It’s been a pretty shitty summer. We’ve lost our privacy, our faith in the justice system, James Gandolfini, and our dignity. And now, it is with great sadness that I announce the latest Summer 2013 loss: the young Hollywood action star. May God rest his soul.
As if young American men aren’t disappointing enough in real life, Nick Schager over at Esquire highlights their onscreen failures as well, blaming the “sorry state of badass cinema” on Hollywood’s new crop of dainty leading men. He argues that in a genre where “manliness is equated with godliness,” the new generation of action hunks isn’t “macho” enough for audiences.
Making Schager’s list of pussies? Channing Tatum, Armie Hammer, Henry Cavill, Garrett Hedlund, Charlie Hunnam, Taylor Kitsch, and Ryan Gosling. He lets Vin Diesel off the hook for his apparently macho work in Fast & Furious 6, because I guess he saw a different version of the movie than I did.
Sure, I guess we could waste time arguing that Hollywood is evolving and of course these pansies are already stars. But at the end of the day, it is hard to defend Shia LaBeouf as anything more than just “a guy who plays with Transformers.” What directors really need to do, it seems, is get these pretty boys to nut up, put 'em in Iron Man suits like that super manly Robert Downey Jr., and then people will stop wasting their money on crap like Grown Ups 2 and start wasting it on crap like White House Down.
There’s a lot at stake here. Think of all of those new babies now named Channing and Armie. If we don’t resuscitate the young action star and do it soon, how will all the tiny Channings—with no macho role model to call their own—survive the playgrounds of the future?
[Image via Getty]