The Kim Kardashian Selfie Awards For Kim Kardashian Selfies
[Note: Some of the photos below are NSFW]: When you are Kim Kardashian, every year—1998, 2012, 40 A.D., the future—is a good year for you. Looking out over the hills of Calabasas or the boulevards of Paris, your kingdoms, both, you can feel proud of all you have wrought. Fame for you has expanded like a waist freed from a waist trainer, and in 2015, your notoriety continues to grow.
It’s not even May and Kim has been very busy: she arrived at the Grammys in a slick, regal Jean Paul Gaultier gown and enough oil to blur skin and dress. She dyed her brunette hair a striking icy blonde, then almost immediately dyed it back. She was an advocate for her husband’s shoe release and modeled in his NYFW show. She visited her ancestral Armenia on the 100th anniversary of the Armenian genocide and used an exclamation point in an Instagram caption. And in just a few days, she will release her first book: a hardcover compendium of intimate selfies titled Selfish.
The book is compact and sleek. The handwriting throughout—superbly clean and legible—is Kim’s own (captions dot several pages, occasionally adorned with hashtags like #wifelife). Toward the middle of the book the pages are black instead of white, and on each of those are selfies with boobs exposed, ass naked. These, she’s quick to point out, are for her husband. Some of the racier pictures are surprising in their intimacy: one photo is a very closeup image of Kim’s boobs in a wet white t-shirt as she seductively pulls it down. The book is a perfect representation of the idea of Kim Kardashian: she gives to us for free what other celebrities would feel embarrassed to have leaked.
After Kardashian covered Paper magazine in December, revealing every single part of herself that most everyone had already seen, Kardashian exhaustion rumbled. How much more intimately could we get to know the reality star and model? And why should we keep paying attention? Kim’s five-hundred page tome—which possesses 474 selfies of Kim—flirts outrageously with and tests that line. “You thought you were sick of me?” it taunts. “This is only the beginning.”
We have pored over each page to push the limit on understanding who this woman is and what she does best (Kim Kardashian; be photographed). Allow us to present to you: The Kim Kardashian Selfie Awards for Kim Kardashian Selfies. The terms of the awards are simple: does Kim look most Kim-like in this selfie? Is the image mesmerizing like a Magic Eye? Beautiful like a Balmain blazer? Interesting in some way? Do these selfies make us feel? Do they make us ache or wonder or remember that life is both short, punishing, and full of misery? Are we horny? Curious? Do we find her visage frightening for reasons we cannot explain?
Of 474 selfies, these are the best of the best.
Description: Tongue out, right hand up, cheap fur pillows in the background.
Reason For Award: Baby hairs. Of-the-moment slang. A coyly written “lol” that reads more like “101.” This selfie, taken one year before the leak of her sex tape with Ray J, has everything. It’s the purest form of #tbt one can imagine.
Selfie Taken By a Blackberry lol
Description: Remember when Kim was on Dancing With the Stars? Now you do.
Reason For Award: This photo is grainy as hell. Kim looks like a Vegas showgirl who hasn’t made it past her first casting call. She is in what looks like a tiny, uncomfortable dressing room and wearing bangles the color of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. It’s a very, very dismal photo, made only more dismal by the Blackberry with which she takes the selfie. A++++++.
Description: Kanye is sleeping lmao.
Reason For Award: Kim just punked her husband. Ya burned, Kanye! This also appears to be taken on a Blackberry—in 2012!!!!! Kim is a jokester and a brand loyalist, and does not care about your fancy technology, which is endearing.
Kim and Friends Selfie
Description: [L to R] Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé Knowles, Solange Knowles
Reason For Award: This selfie (questionable) was taken at the Met Gala, an evening where many believe Kim established her “cred” in the high-fashion world by wearing a gloved Givenchy gown akin to an elasticized pair of curtains. I personally think she looked wonderful. In this photo, Beyoncé is half grimacing and Solange barely cracks a smile. Maybe they did not like her dress.
Selfie That Is Not a Selfie
Description: Kim is wearing a fur hat, touching her hair, and giggling with a wide smile.
Reason For Award: Not only does Kim look phenomenal (we so rarely see her smile and laugh with her teeth in photos), but this photo cannot possibly be a selfie. If she was able to dislocate her elbow and bend her forearm like Gumby, that would be reasonable. But I do not think Kim can do this. I love it!
Kim and Family Selfie
Description: Seven selfies of Kim and younger sister Kylie, the former in a camo baseball cap, the latter in a pink-and-black tiger print T-shirt.
Reason For Award: Kylie Jenner was eleven years old in these photos. Here is a recent photograph of Kylie Jenner, four hundred years later. Time is a social construct that no person can truly trust.
Selfies With Things on Head
Description: Kim is wearing a helmet of some sort.
Reason For Award: You still know that it’s Kim! Even with the helmet on! Flawless execution and a good reminder to always be safe. Broom broom.
Reason For Award: AHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
R-Rated Selfie (NSFW, Do Not Scroll Down If At Work)
Year: 2012 (but somewhat unclear)
Description: Kim is naked and bent over in her walk-in closet. Her skin is VERY, VERY DARK.
Reason For Award: The caption: “Fresh spray tan. I get so dark . . . Kanye calls it a Yé-tan.” Unreal insight into the famous couple’s relationship and the kinds of fun conversations they have. Her pose, despite being completely naked, is not sexy. She looks alien-like and alarming. Of all the NSFW photos in this book, this one is the best because it looks like contemporary art and not porn.
Description: Kim is grimacing with an elephant behind her. It is literally such a stupid photo.
Reason For Award: As Kim puts it, “I just wanted a selfie with an elephant. This pic was taken before the elephant scared me.” The elephant is probably very nice and also flattered to be in a photograph with famous worldwide celebrity Kim Kardashian. This photo is notable because Kim doesn’t “think [she’s] ever taken as many selfies as [she] did in Thailand.” This was probably a throwaway selfie until this little book came about. I’m glad you kept it, Kim!
Description: Very upclose photo of Kim’s face, almost definitely too close. She is in a cab of some sort.
Reason For Award:
I was in Italy with Kanye for my birthday. We went shopping and found the best stuff. We went to dinner and I changed halfway through dinner in a small bathroom into my new green Lanvin dress. There were so many paparazzi that showed up while were eating. I wanted to change into a dope new look.
“I wanted to change into a dope new look.” Who hasn’t thought this? In Kim’s world, this very thought can be an immediate reality.
The Best Kim Kardashian Selfie in the Kim Kardashian Book of Selfies
Description: Three women in the back of a car. One woman in the front. All four manage to make it into several photos at once.
Reason For Award: In only two pages and four photos, the existence of the Kardashian family is justified. The photos are from a zip-lining trip between sisters (Kourtney is sadly missing) and while the three women take selfies in the back, Kim is in the front, taking her own selfie of herself, which turns into a photo as well of the sisters taking selfies. It is like looking into an M.C. Escher sketch of our modern, navel-gazing times, but instead of spiral staircases, we have narcissism-on-demand and intimacy that is repainted as exposure (or is it the other way around?). These women show us a renovated version of the American dream: do very little, be very little, think very little, but show it all. And because of our incredulousness that this actually worked for not just one sibling, but the whole Kardashian-Jenner brood, we simply cannot look away.
Pardon the distortion of some images—capturing them was almost impossible. Top image via Instagram. Images via Rizzoli/“Selfish”. Contact the author at email@example.com.