Simon Cowell Bragging About Talking to Zayn—OK, Man

Kelly Conaboy · 11/16/15 11:27AM

Since its release last week, One Direction’s new album Made in the A.M. has echoed loudly over the hot, muddy shit pits of hell. “I’ve got fire for a heart, I’m not scared of the dark. You’ve never seen it look so easy.” On the beat, the devil cackles and takes a coal from the fire, tossing it onto Harry Styles’s boyish torso. Simon Cowell knew this was coming.


Kelly Conaboy · 07/31/15 03:58PM

Earlier today, male pop ensemble One Direction released “Drag Me Down,” the group’s first single without former member Zayn Malik (the member who liked graffiti). “Drag me down,” fans wonder, “Is this a dig at Zayn?”

Mysterious Force Pulls Harry Styles to Ground in A+ PERFECT Onstage Fall

Kelly Conaboy · 07/10/15 12:02PM

During the first night of the North American leg of One Direction’s On the Road Again tour in San Diego, California, Harry Styles took a big, silly, backwards tumble to the ground. This was also America’s first Zayn-free One Direction concert. Coincidence?

Zayn Has Chosen a Different Hair Color, Which Is His Right

Kelly Conaboy · 06/08/15 12:33PM

As you know, we at Defamer are dedicated to keeping you up to date on the length and style of former One Direction member and lifelong graffiti enthusiast Zayn Malik’s hair. It is worth noting that our reporting is not reliant upon agreeing with the choices made re: the length and style of said hair.

Stephen Hawking Breaks Silence About Zayn

Kelly Conaboy · 04/27/15 08:55AM

We’ve all been taking about Zayn, whoever that is, a lot now all of a sudden, but one man has remained curiously silent: Stephen Hawking. What’s he hiding? What reason does he have to be such a coward re: stuff about Zayn? One brave fan got to the bottom of it this weekend during a Q&A event at the Sydney Opera House.

Step Aside Billy Zane

Kelly Conaboy · 04/21/15 02:40PM

Did you think that Zayn, a person we talk about now, was just going to lie down and die after leaving One Direction? Did you think he was just going to dig a Zayn-sized hole in the dirt; kiss his fiancée, Perrie Edwards, goodbye; jump in the hole; and kill himself right in the hole? Did you think that he was going to hope that a helpful stranger would pass by and fill up the hole with dirt, or maybe someone he hired in advance? Well think again, you lunatic, because maybe he’s going to try acting now.

Zayn Finally Speaks: "I’ve Let Fans Down"

Kelly Conaboy · 03/27/15 02:32PM

Zayn—what's going on in his brain? So many thoughts he can't contain. He had to give his mouth free rein, so an exclusive interview The Sun obtain(ed)—Zayn.

Everybody's Worried About You, Zayn

Kelly Conaboy · 03/20/15 12:32PM

The world got word yesterday that Zayn Malik, the member of One Direction who likes graffiti, exited One Direction's world tour due to rumor-based stress. Today, the world has gotten word that everybody is worried about him.

Breaking: Zayn Got a Haircut

Kelly Conaboy · 01/19/15 09:55AM

Take a deep breath. Take another. Lie down on the ground. Close your eyes. Picture the world falling down around you. Imagine your body covered in debris. Do you feel its weight? You are immobile and your breath is shallow. This is the end. This is the end. This is the end. Zayn got a haircut.