Justin Bieber Is Not a Grown-Up Yet

Rich Juzwiak and Jordan Sargent · 11/13/15 12:00PM

Today sees the release of the fourth proper Justin Bieber studio album, Purpose, an album that contains a fair amount of listenable material from Bieber (at least three songs!). Preceding this album has been a string of derpily titled singles—“Where Are Ü Now,” “What Do You Mean,” “Sorry”—that work on their own as proper songs and don’t require built-in fandom for appreciation. They’ve all gone Top 10 on the Billboard Hot 100 (“What Do You Mean” debuted at No. 1, in fact), which has helped shape a narrative that this album marks a comeback for Bieber. But where did he go? What do you mean, music press? And, most importantly, why should we care? Below we attempt to unravel these great mysteries.

Justin Bieber on Dad's Penis Comment: "Such a Dad Thing to Say"

Kelly Conaboy · 10/19/15 02:30PM

What do dads say? Probably something like, “The game’s on!” Right? Another classic thing dads say is: “Ask your mother.” You can hear it now. Or maybe they say, “GET OFF THE LINE!” if they need to use the phone for business, and here you are talking to your friend about what? Nothing. But what do dads say if they see your penis and it’s big?

I Want To Die

Jordan Sargent · 10/09/15 11:25AM

A refresher course on Justin Bieber’s dad. He’s allegedly: abandoned Bieber’s mother, roundhouse kicked a woman in the face, harassed a fight attendant so badly that she cowered in a cockpit, thrown a dog off a balcony and trashed an apartment paid for by his son. And he dresses like every day is Halloween during the year Malibu’s Most Wanted came out.

Breaking: Justin Bieber Creeps Ever Closer to Platonic Ideal of Ellen

Kelly Conaboy · 05/01/15 11:40AM

It’s not a particularly “fresh” “joke” to point out the similarities between Justin Bieber’s appearance and that of Ellen DeGeneres, but if it’s the truth, what else can you do. Lie? Do you want us to tell you a lie? We are not liars. Justin Bieber got a haircut, and he looks more like Ellen Degeneres than ever.

Justin Bieber Pledges Leonardo DiCaprio's Pussy Posse

Kelly Conaboy · 03/24/15 10:00AM

Leonardo DiCaprio, actor and founding member of the Pussy Posse, and Justin Bieber, dystopian parable admonishing fame's influence, were spotted partying together at 1Oak nightclub in West Hollywood over the weekend. Hmm. But don't those guys hate each other?

Justin Bieber Has Found a New Small Animal to Neglect

Jay Hathaway · 03/23/15 11:00AM

A tiny, precious Yorkshire terrier puppy, through no fault of her own, finds herself dependent on late-stage puberty sufferer Justin Bieber and/or members of his family and entourage for her care and continued survival. Good luck and godspeed, Esther the puppy. Other pets in this position haven't fared all that well.

Grown Man/DJ Diplo Is Majorly Fucking Up the Affairs of Selena Gomez 

Allie Jones · 02/05/15 09:00AM

The young woman whom Drama follows, Selena Gomez, could come bear the wrath of her longtime BFF Taylor Swift soon, thanks to the 36-year-old DJ known as Diplo. Why? Because Diplo, an adult who enjoys and produces electronic music, apparently also likes meddling in the tender, romantic affairs of America's young people.