Plan on never unhearing what you're about to hear about the Vanderbilts and their love of tongue play; if geriatric oral sex isn't your thing, TLC's new sex-focused reality series makes Kim Kardashian look like Jennifer Lawrence; Hollywood has joined the NFL in disenfranchising Native Americans for a quick profit; and a quarter million people who you never knew even watched Duck Dynasty now want Phil Robertson back.
Miley's just bein Miley, Justin's just bein Justin, and Jesse Jackson's definitely just bein Jesse Jackson. Just a normal December day in Hollywood.
If all you wanted from Santa was a Sherlock mini-episode and a glimpse of Dean Pelton, today is your lucky day. Merry Christmas! And I'll take this opportunity to also wish a very Merry Christmas to those of you who watched The Sound of Music Live! even though you've ruined TV forever.
HBO has released another trailer for a criminally underrated show that you might not have had a chance to check out yet; Rich Kids who don't know how to read books are now getting their own book; Jon Hamm may not be a child-abandoning, Xenu-eschewing nutbag, but his newest trailer shows that he still ain't no Tom Cruise; Jennifer Lawrence continues her quiet campaign of world domination.
Maybe people will cheer a little less aggressively for Ellen's 12 Days of Giveaways this afternoon—a man who won a vacation from the talk show host died while taking it; a very small Will Ferrell indie flick is making big bucks; Martha Stewart has got no time for Gwyneth Paltrow; and SoulCycle is giving back for the holidays, starting with Carey Mulligan.
The parade of black women through 30 Rock's Studio 8H will soon be drawing to a close as Lorne Michaels is zeroing in on who he will add to the cast; what was supposed to be a commercial for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty turned into something much more poignant; the new season of Archer is almost upon us, and thank god; and humor pieces on the economics of Middle Earth should generally try to be, well, humorous.
Winter is coming, blah, blah, blah, just get me Game of Thrones the fourth season and get it now; the Interstellar is light on story, but heavy on McConaughey at his silken-voiced finest; the Weinstein's are back baby, and you'll never work in this town again (if you're a non-sequel); and because this is Los Angeles, you're welcome for Sriracha: The Movie.
The road to absolute power is paved with hypocrisy…and casualties. Praise Frank Underwood, the House of Cards season two trailer is here to tide us over until February; SNL will have a black woman on the cast by January; Spider-Man is getting spinoff movies; and Adam Sandler will be overacting the role he was born to play: himself.
Despite erroneous reports to the contrary, Universal will not be scrapping the shot footage of Fast & Furious 7; if you missed Audra Macdonald leave Carrie Underwood in her dust, you'll have another chance; Inbetweeners is getting a sequel; and So You Think You Can Dance royalty got married last night.
George Clooney is the ambassador to everything; Bette Midler has been cast in the role she was born to play; Jack Reacher will be back in theatres; and the World's End gang wants to remind you that it's the most wonderful time for a beer.