Michael Douglas, who has braved both cancer of the throat and foot of the mouth, is apparently man enough to admit that publicly shaming his wife’s vagina for his health issues wasn’t exactly a “smart move.”

A quick recap: in 2011, Douglas gave a bizarre interview to the Guardian suggesting the cause and cure of his throat cancer came from the same place: a woman.

The throat cancer, I assume, was first seeded during those wild middle years, when he drank like a fish and smoked like the devil. Looking back, knowing what he knows now, does he feel he overloaded his system?

“No,” he says. “No. Because, without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

From what? For a moment I think that I may have misheard.

“From cunnilingus. I mean, I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer.” He shrugs. “And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

Right, I say. OK. So what he is suggesting is that it all evens out? “That’s right,” says Douglas. “It giveth and it taketh.”

And indeed, the cunnilingus comments he gaveth, and the cunnilingus comments he now taketh away: this week Douglas walked back his definitively unsexy and wholly medically inaccurate conclusions.

‘What I was trying to say was that there is a sexually transmitted virus called HPC,’ Douglas says, in an attempt to clarify the controversy that ensued.

‘But there is a vaccination that they recommend to all kids before they become sexually active so they don’t catch HPC, which is a cause of certain types of cancer – cervical cancer, tongue and throat.’

So he didn’t imply that performing oral sex could cure certain types of cancer?

‘No,’ he groans, anguished by the notion. ‘I was trying to make a public service comment.’


‘It was one of those things... and I so regretted any embarrassment that it caused Catherine,’ he winces, before adding: ‘And her family.’

Here’s a public service comment, for free: next time you want to talk about your wife’s vagina, for any reason at all, definitely don’t do it!!!!!!!!!!!

Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.