What do you think fucking a pie can get you? A lasting career in the illustrious film industry? Not quite. The lifelong respect of your peers? I’ve got news for you, buckaroo. The eternal adoration of your family? *That thing where Larry David makes this face* Well, how does a pristine home at the foot of the Beverly Hills sound?

You may remember the actor Jason Biggs, from when he fucked the titular Yankee pie in American Pie, and then did several other things after that, perhaps even dozens of things. Now it’s 2015, and Jason Biggs is getting on with his life, as we all are. He sold his house. I would buy the shit out of this house. (If I had approximately $2.56 million.)

Here is a view of Los Angeles, from the vantage point of Jason Biggs’ old house. Will this work? This will work.

Jason Biggs just sitting on this long wood porch gazing out at Los Angeles’ champagne sky with not a care in the world. Fucked a pie, now look where he is. Or was. I’d like to be there.

Is this living room décor my thing exactly? No. It’s far from it. Do I want to lounge in this room forever? Nonetheless I do.

Could this bedroom use a hand? It could use a thousand hands, each making this room look like something other than this room. Would I do whatever it takes to sleep in this bedroom for just one night?

I would do anything.

I’ve seen better pools. We all have. I’m not trying to sell you a bill of goods here. But.......

...anyone got a pie?

Contact the author at jordan@gawker.com.