Goonies star Corey Feldman is attempting to transform himself into the next Hugh Hefner—complete with his own FeldMansion, a bevy of Jumbo's Clown Room wannabes calling themselves "Corey's Angels," and a pervasive, weary, existential sadness. Luckily for anthropologists of despair, Vice's Jamie Lee Curtis Taete was on hand to chronicle the scene at Feldman's recent birthday party with an article that required final approval from Feldman before being published. According to Taete:

Ron Jeremy, Tom Green, Woody Harrelson, and Chris Kirkpatrick have all previously been spotted at Corey's parties. When I found out that the hottest names in Hollywood were going to be living it up in a mansion with some of the hottest bitches on the planet I knew I had to see that shit with my own two eyes.

No one is more surprised than Chris Kirkpatrick that he is one of the hottest names in Hollywood. Even in jest.

What ensued can only be described as The Saddest Party There Ever Was, enthusiastically documented by Taete in some excellent photos: All the lights on as a few people mill about in each room (this is from when the party was in "in full swing"). Aging strippers in varying amounts of makeup are huddled around what looks like an Ed Hardy convention. Some are texting. One enjoys ("enjoys") a massage chair (or as Taete puts it, "Did I mention he has a fucking massage chair?" It is important to note this is a pretty basic massage chair; Feldman did not spring for Sharper Image.). There's "an outdoor area with a pool where people are raging just as hard inside." "Raging" here seems to be in the Dylan Thomas "rage, rage against the dying of the light" sense.

Feel like you missed out? Fear not—this isn't just a one-off festival of lost hope and despondency. Feldman will be hosting these parties multiple times throughout the year, and it's open to all us commoners: All it takes is $250, if you're a guy, or $0 and a penchant for near nudity if you're a girl. Generous.

In related news: Corey Feldman really needs a new graphic designer.

[Image via Vice/Jamie Lee Curtis Taete]