Celebrities at the Met Gala, In Order of Increasing Nakedness
Last night’s Met Gala was a real yawn. The theme—China: Through the Looking Glass—threatened to be a hot pot of tacky appropriation, but instead celebrities erred on the side of average, dressing in clothes that were obviously unfit and much too unambitious for the fête of the year.
The trend, if one were forced, with a loaded curling iron to the head, to define it
was either DRESS TOO MUCH or dress not enough. On the one hand, there were hordes of famous people draped in enough fabric to keep them roasting warm on a long winter night traversing the Yukon. On the flip, there were a number of stars feeling loose and fancy-free, showing up to the Met Gala like it was a formal pool party. You can’t win with these guys, can you? Here they are in order of increasing white tie nakedness.
On Monday at 6pm, it was 82 degrees in New York City. Do you think Rihanna gives a shit?
19. Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz
Lisa Bonet was covered wrist to ankle, yet still adorned in less fabric than that time Kravtiz wore a blanket for a scarf.
18. Dao-Yi Chow and Maxwell Osborne
Designers for Public School, Chow and Osborne hide their knees from the cameras’ glare.
Usher appeared to have a broken foot, which he attempted to camouflage with an alligator-print boot, a cane, and a strange puff of chin hair. Even his face was wearing too much.
16. Alicia Keys
Alicia Keys embraced both of the night’s trends simultaneously, flashing a daring slash of stomach skin, but also grasping her jacket to pull in ever more fabric in around her.
15. Sarah Jessica Parker
14. Jenna Lyons
Pajamas are technically a state of undress, but J. Crew creative director Lyons increased her body coverage by fashioning hers out of chain-mail.
13. Anne Hathaway
Anne Hathaway sported a hood, an around-the-ear-cuff, and a mostly wrinkly dress that did not flatter her. But what matters most is that she would not be recognized from behind.
12. Solange Knowles
Haters of this dress are irrelevant. This pose, on the other hand, has got to go.
11. Jennifer Lawrence
With Jennifer Lawrence, the cutouts began. When will they end? Isn’t it fun to imagine a day when cutouts will see their end? I’m imagining it right now and damn it feels good.
10. Katie Holmes
Katie Holmes, turning coyly over her shoulder, appears silently to taunt Gawker.com. “Yes, I did have a secret entrance to the Whole Foods in Chelsea. What will you do about it now? Hm?”
9. FKA Twigs
FKA Twigs is sporting several legs and a penis. Her penis Robert Pattinson also accompanied her to the event.
8. Cara Delevingne
Cutouts abound, this time with delicate arm and neck painting on British model and perhaps girlfriend of musician St. Vincent, Cara Delevingne. Cara, these tattoos are far better than your current ones. Think about it!
7. Miley Cyrus
6. Dakota Johnson
There is always the one who wears a cocktail dress to the Met Gala. And I gotta say—I’m glad it was Dakota Johnson, who seems cool and good.
5. Kim Kardashian West
Kim got a lot of flack from Beyoncé’s gruesome “Beyhive” for wearing a dress in 2015 that appeared to reflect back on Bey’s Met Gala dress from 2012. Why doesn’t everyone just relax for one quick sec? This is some damn good dress.
4. Joan Smalls
While Kim Kardashian West’s train modestly hid the floor behind her, Smalls’ gown revealed it with daring sheer fabric.
3. Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer Lopez is infamous for wearing dresses the exact same golden tan as her skin. This can be confusing for anyone who looks quickly, then away. Is she naked? Is she not? This dress was boring, but did provide a briefly diverting optical illusion. Is she naked? Is she not?
2. Beyoncé Knowles
The best part about this dress is that it allows the viewer to clearly examine Beyoncé’s shoes. These Givenchy platforms are the best shoes ever made!!!!
After the party is the afterparty. After the ornate yellow fur gown is the sheer bedtime look. Rihnie, you’re free.
Images via Getty/Splash. Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.