As the donut-licking trial of Ariana Grande entered its 67th day, the embattled former pop star finally took the stand in Good Morning America’s Times Square courtroom Tuesday morning to address allegations that she hates Americans. (The allegations are based on the time she said, “I hate Americans.”) But, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do you just go around wishing a good morning to people you hate? The defense rests.
It is especially important to think about saying you’re sorry before you introduce defense exhibit A, a fragrance called “Ari by Ariana Grande,” to your remaining fans who haven’t just fucking died already despite your fervent wish that they would. It’s even more important to say those things when summer has come and gone and you still can’t drop your album until this whole donut thing blows over, so you’re forced to test the waters with a marshmallow-scented eau de toilette.