This week in Jerusalem! Armenia wasn’t always easy, but then, the best things in life never are. This week, we follow a grinning and drenched Kanye West out of the Kardashians’ homeland and into the holy land, where Bubba is baptized and cookies are still Armenian.
Every week, keen-eyed Kardashians scholar Mariah Smith uses paparazzi photos, gossip-blog coverage, the family’s own Instagram and Twitter accounts, and common sense, to investigate, and establish a detailed and accurate shooting schedule of Keeping Up With the Kardashians—laying bare the distorted timelines and manufactured plotline of America’s royal family. Welcome to Keeping Up With the Kontinuity Errors.
On Sunday night’s episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, the A-Plot was the final leg of Kim and Khloe’s trip to Armenia and North’s baptism; the B-Plot was Kylie’s fear of being asked questions on the red carpet; the C-Plot was Kris Jenner’s loneliness, and the D-Plot was the discovery that North West’s nickname is “Bubba.” Alright y’all, let’s hit and quit and get to gettin’!
Kimberly Kardashian West is still in Armenia with her youngest Kardashian sistren, Khloe. The two are joined by their cousins, Kourtni and Kara, both of whom have either rejected or were never offered assistance by the Kardashian’s glam squad for their stint on national TV. North West has finally begun to speak—she calls Kim “mama.” The group is having dinner when Khloe discovers that Kendall is on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar, and begins to miss her so much that she FaceTimes her at the table. More amazing than Kendall’s success as a model, is Khloe’s iPhone case that miraculously casts her in perfect lighting. Kim, Khloe, and Kendall’s Armenian meal was filmed on April 9, 2015.
Kim, Khloe, North and their cousins, now joined by Kanye West, visit a Monastery in Armenia. Far off in the distance, Kim notices Mount Ararat, where, according to Kim via the Bible, “Noah’s Ark landed.” While in the Monastery, Kanye is overcome with emotion, grinning from ear to ear, as he takes in the fashions of the Bishop who is explaining the history of this holy place. The group then hears from some people who sing one sustained note, Kim claps her impressively tiny hands together in gratitude, and they finally light candles before peacing out. Note that in her confessional, Kim repeatedly mentions this being the last day of their trip to Armenia. In any case, this scene was filmed on April 9, 2015.
In a not at all unexpected turn of events, Kanye West ratchets up the theatrics in Armenia and performs a free, middle of the night, outdoor concert for his fans. Kim—makeup-less and childless—beebops along with the crowd as her husband, who shockingly gave E! the rights to his music, dives into a lake and has the time of his charmed little life. Kanye’s pop-up concert was filmed on April 14, 2015, 5 days after Kim’s last day in Armenia. Hmmm.
At last, the family reaches Jerusalem. Kim and Kanye West baptize North “Bubba” West at the Armenian Church in Jerusalem. Kim, Kanye, and Khloe sit with the Armenian Patriarch of Jerusalem in advance of the ceremony where they are served Armenian cookies. Everyone but Kanye indulges, because he’s a messy eater and doesn’t want to ruin his clothes before the main event. The moment was profoundly beautiful and Bubba’s family obviously had a wonderful time as well. Bubba’s baptism was filmed on April 13, 2015. The trip was quick, because they had to be back in Armenia the next day to film Scene 4. Come Hell or Holy Water, production never stops!
Back in Calabasas, Kim gets frozen yogurt with marginally successful rapper Tyga’s girlfriend, Kylie Jenner. Kim calls an unmade up, freshly plumped lip, Kylie Jenner “cute,” and it’s obvious she’s still jet-lagged from her trip. Kylie needed some sister time with Kim, because she’s freaking out about the questions she’ll be asked at the Billboard Music Awards regarding her dad, Caitlyn Jenner. Apparently the About Bruce special airs the same night as the award show, and Kylie knows the press will be ruthless. Poor little thing. Aside from dealing with a tough life transition, Kylie seems to also be suffering from a neurological incident, as this was filmed on June 18, 2015 over a month after the Billboard Music Awards on 5/17/15.
At the Billboard Music Awards, Kylie is nervous AF and “might faint,” because she can’t handle the pressure of possible questions about Caitlyn. On the red carpet, Kylie runs into Kendall, who’s too busy fighting for our fashion with the #BalmainArmy, and has zero time to quell Kylie’s nerves. Kendall even goes so far as to ask her publicist if she can even take a pic with Kylie. The bitch is ruthless, okay. Eventually, Kendall is cleared to take one photo with her fan, Kylie. Kylie, too overcome, eventually runs off the red carpet. This was filmed on May 17, 2015.
Because we’re all worth it and dreams come true, Kris Jenner and her female children, Kourtney Kardashian, Kimberly Kardashian West, Khloe Kardashian, Kendall Jenner, and Kylie Jenner are at an anniversary cover shoot for Cosmopolitan. All draped in virginal white, the KKKKKK Krew pose as though they’ve been dealt a life sentence for killing the game. It’s a crime of fashion, and every last one of them is guilty! Cosmopolitan’s November 2015 shoot was filmed on May 15, 2015.
Thanks for looking back at it with me, dolls. I’ll see you all next week for another KUWKris Jenner’s Piano Lesson’s re-cap on #KUWTKE. #BubbaGumpShrimp
Images via E!