We're feeling bold, and are hereby guaranteeing these projections to have at least 98% accuracy. We also reserve the right to come back and edit them once the weekend estimates arrive on Sunday afternoon to back up that boast.

1. The Grudge — $21 million
See? Sony has the right idea, launching their big horror movie the week before Halloween. For the wrong time to release a movie, see DreamWorks and Surviving Christmas, arriving today.

2. Shark Tale — $15 million
Angered that his prize shark cartoon has finally been displaced by a remake of a Japanese horror movie, DreamWorks Animation overlord Jeffrey Katzenberg is going to buy Japan and sell it to North Korea's Kim Jong-Il* for pennies on the dollar.

3. Shall We Dance? — $10 million
Jennifer Lopez might be thinking about firing Patrick Whitesell, her agent at Endeavor, but we're going to ask that Richard Gere fire his agent, manager, and his conscience for allowing him to slum it with the colder-than-polar-bear-balls J.Lo.

4. Team America: World Police — $8 million
We realize that we're sounding a little obsessed with puppet sex, but a little marionette gang-banging never hurt anyone's box office take.

5. Surviving Christmas —$7 million
Other than the fact that he's incredibly rich and currently having sex with Jennifer Garner, that Ben Affleck guy can't catch a break. Why is this movie coming out in October? That's more offensive to our seasonal sensibilities than catching the Macy's Santa Claus jerking off into a plastic pumpkin on Halloween. Bombs away!

*We regret initially misidentifying the movie as Korean instead of Japanese. In our defense, we were too busy celebrating our score of 11 of 15 on AllLookSame.com to double-check the movie's origin before posting. We also admit that the original joke was funnier than the "corrected," somewhat nonsenical version.

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