This is exactly what's going to happen at the movies this weekend:

1. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban — $103 million
We remember when we were a young wizard...that wand was always poking out of our robe or going off in the middle of the night, while we learned its wonders as we ran the shower. It was a happy, wonderful time of self-discovery. But, sadly, the American public didn't pony up over a hundred mil to watch it happen. They'll rectify that oversight this weekend for poor, little, pubescent Harry.

2. Shrek 2 — $38 million
It's been a great run for Shrek and his giant ogre schlong. He'll be putting it back in his pants this weekend. When the DVD lands, though, he's whipping it back out, and America better limber up for the return.

3. The Day After Tomorrow — $35 million
We don't know, TDAT's new ice age seems kind of cool: hanging out on the beach in Mexico, the vice president becomes less evil, and everyone talks to you like you're a retard.

4. Troy — $7 million
We don't know, living in Troy like Achilles sounds like it could be fun: hanging around and having three ways in a tent, wearing a leather skirt, and talking to everyone like you're a retard that learned English from a movie poster.

5. Raising Helen — $6 million
No one ever talks about movie copycat violence anymore. Whatever. We're gonna be a little busy trying to kill our sister so we can adopt her kids, but if you happen to see this, drop us a line and let us know if it sucks.

Contact information for this author is not available.