MSNBC's Jeanette Walls offers us a double shot of Kabbalah nonsense to kick off the week. The Kabbalah Centre will soon put out a "user's guide" for the red string bracelet that supposedly keeps its wearer safe from the evil eye. They're also planning a billboard on Sunset Boulevard to promote the book; quite logically, the billboard will be wrapped in a gigantic red string, protecting the huge advertisement from the heebie-jeebies projected by the legion of motorists and homeless that will gaze upon it each day. No doubt the "user's guide" will include tips on how to accessorize the red string with other de rigeur Hollywood fashions, like the Von Dutch hat, Ugg boots, and the Scientology mind-control implant scar.

In other Kabbalah news, Madonna has achieved the gender-neutralizing apotheosis of her spiritual powers. She now transcends the mortal designations of man or woman, getting her own place to sit on the men's side of the Kabbalah Centre's worship area. To protect the more plebian, B-listed members of the Centre from scratching out their eyes at the site of this higher being, she sits behind a screen that obscures the view of the newly-Immaterial Girl.

• The Scoop: Special treatment for the Material Girl [MSNBC]
• Madonna's Coded Cry For Help [Defamer]
• Rabbi Urges Kabbalah Coup [Defamer]

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