Eschewing that pussy, win-for-charity stuff with which the Hollywood card-poseurs of Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown waste their time, Ben Affleck took home $356,400 real American dollars as the winner of the 2004 California State Poker Championship. Congratulations, Ben! We have to admit that we're a little sick of celebs playing poker for orphans, boob cancer, and various subsets of the illiterate community. It gets so depressing. Take your mad-money windfall and get yourself a treat. Maybe the 300 large can pay the salary of a guy to scan your driveway for paparazzi whilst you wander around in your boxer-type shorts and adjust your balls? Perhaps he could even adjust them for you.

• IT’S NO ACT: BEN AFFLECK WINS 10K CAL STATE CHAMPIONSHIP [PokerPages.com via la.comfidential]

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