Blogging layabout Jim Treacher watches a scad of online trailers and then writes "a bunch of stupid snotty unfair crap about them." Also, pretty accurate. And, unlike David Cross, he is unlikely to supply the voice of a talking dog in any of them.

On Constantine: "Keanu Reeves branches out in this tale of a pallid, black-clad loner with supernatural powers who seems to gravitate toward damp, dilapidated buildings with poor lighting. Based on a DC Comics series about a blond-haired British fellow with a discernible personality."

On I, Robot: "Asimov, Raped."

On Alexander: "Colin Farrell plays either Alexander the Great or the lead singer of Warrant. The filming of this motion picture marked the first time an Irishman ever battled an elephant that wasn't flying and pink."

• Here's a thing I like to do where I sit on my ass and watch online trailers for movies I'll never see and then type up stupid snotty unfair crap about them [Mother, May I Sleep With Treacher?]

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