The Emmys were last night and their only redeeming quality was the scarcity of cutaways to Lena Dunham. But for those of you who missed all the unnecessary fawning over what is basically tantamount to a 20-something's Tumblr, fear not: Lena Dunham erotic fan fic exists and it is 1000x grosser than you thought it would be.
"Lena Dunham's Dick," penned by The Newsroom writers room assistant and self-described "Jewish Judd Apatow" Harris Danow first appeared on his aptly titled blog LenaDunhamsDick.com, and his since gone viral thanks to the biggest purveyor of love in this digital age: Craigslist missed connections. It tells a stirring fictional tale of a young man who dated Dunham in college, and upon seeing her face plastered all over town on billboards for Girls, is no longer able to maintain an erection. (Men all over America usually feel similar pangs of erectile dysfunction after seeing those billboards, but sure, we'll call it "fiction.")
Some lunch losing snippets:
But she also looked more glamorous than I remembered you. She didn’t look like the type who after we boned would squeeze her belly and make it talk like a Muppet for a post-fuck interview. But then I knew for sure it was you when I saw a new HBO series from Judd Apatow and Lena Dunham.
But the only words I could think of were, a new HBO series from Judd Apatow and Lena Dunham. [sic] To get you out of my head, I stripped to my boxers and watched porn. But I couldn’t get it up. No matter what I watched—amateurs, lesbians, teens, face-sitters, baby-sitters, cum-spitters, MILFs, GILFs, JILFs (Jews)—I could still push myself like I was made of Nerf.
We started hanging out. You showed me your short films. I remember that one where you got naked in the fountain and brushed your teeth until the campus police made you stop. [...] But I didn’t get it. It’s a girl brushing her teeth in a fountain. What was I missing? I knew your parents were downtown artists who painted men with dildo faces or whatever, so maybe it was supposed to be avant-garde. I never understood that stuff, I just pretended to in college so I’d seem more intellectual. Did Judd Apatow get it?
It gets worse from there, so feel free to check it out on your own. Dunham seems to have no Twitter response to the fact that a fellow HBO employee is disseminating poorly written erotic literature about her, but if her past reactions to sexual parodies are any indicator, Danow, who apparently used to be an attorney, may be looking for a job soon. (It may not help that he misspelled "assistant" in "writers' assistant" on his LinkedIn resume.)
We have reached out to HBO for comment and have yet to hear back.