Breakdowns: Everyone Quit Watching TV, Perez Hilton Is Getting A ShowS

Perez Hilton finally achieved his goal of being famous, in the most ironic and exploitative way possible; Netflix is giving you the best Valentine's Day gift ever; the terrifying nightmares of your youth are back to haunt you; and Cats is being turned into a movie, because, Hollywood.

  • Former internet troll masquerading as reformed victim of bullying Perez Hilton has paired up with reality production powerhouse Bunim/Murray to create a one-hour docusoap Gay Dads Of New York, starring Hilton and his group of NYC gay friends. (No surprise, Hilton has no friends, and producers are currently casting for those roles.) The show has not been sold to a network yet, but with the Real World and Keeping Up With The Kardashians producers behind the project, it's only a matter of time before we see white cum dots animated on baby faces on Bravo every Sunday night. [Deadline]
  • In an effort to curb single people suicide around Valentine's Day, Netflix is giving you the best gift of all: the entire second season of House Of Cards, releasing on February 14, 2014. Jokes on you losers in a relationship who have to "go to dinner," the rest of us will be using our free time to watch Senator Underwood scheme. [Deadline]
  • CBS Films will be bringing back the nightmares of your youth—they're adapting Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark, the famed Alvin Schwartz book targeted at middle schoolers, and have Saw writers Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan at the helm. [THR]
  • This is…an idea: Andrew Lloyd Weber says that based on the success of Les Miserables, Universal is now going to turn Cats into a movie as well. Now we know what not to go see, Christmas 2015. [THR]

Breakdowns is a daily roundup of all the news that wasn't interesting enough to deserve two paragraphs.