Andrew Sullivan's Daily Dish covered the events in real time, and today's New York Times has a very good piece on what went down on Sunday.

First: moderate cleric Hussein-Ali Montazeri, a leader of the 1979 revolution and then a critic of the Supreme Leader and an advocate for democracy and equal rights, died on the 19th. The state news agency derisively referred to the beloved ayatollah as "clerical figure of the rioters." His funeral on the 21st became a protest of the regime. Ahmadinejad opponent Mir-Hossein Mousavi was attacked twice by Ahmadinejad supporters.

The next day, Ahmadinejad removed Mousavi as head of the Arts and Culture Academy. On the 23rd, more mourners were arrested.

Protests began happening in Iran's more conservative areas.

Then came the Shia holiday of mourning, Ashura, which commemorates the death of the prophet Muhammad's grandson Imam Hussein, a spiritual forefather of Shia Islam.

Ashura demonstrations helped bring down the Shah, so the Khamenei regime was extremely nervous going into the weekend. The Basij, Iran's volunteer militia of hardliners aligned with the Revolutionary Guard and the Supreme Leader, began clashing with protesters almost immediately. Three protesters were reported killed in Tehran early on the first day of Ashura protests. But protesters were fighting back more than in previous demonstrations, lighting police cars on fire and beating cops who attempted to charge the crowds. Some police refused orders to fire on crowds, and at least one police officer was reportedly spotted wearing opposition green.

Protests spread to almost a dozen other cities.

Killing for any reason is forbidden on Ashura. So in addition to ten dead protesters, it is absolutely insane that Khamenei then assassinated Moussavi's nephew. Ali Moussavi was run over by a car and then shot in the street. Government officials confiscated his body to prevent a funeral.

Hundreds of people have been arrested, and at the end of this, dozens could be confirmed killed. Killing Moussavi's nephew on Ashura was probably one of the dumbest decisions the regime could've possibly made. Protesters have largely switched from chants against Ahmadinejad to chants against Khamenei himself. There is, of yet, no "revolutionary alternative" to the Supreme Leader, and he controls the military and the security forces, but basically he is fucked in the long term, and a lot of Iranian dissidents are about to be locked up and killed.

Like any good storefront psychic that litters the streets of Manhattan, the answers from her three experts—Paula Roberts, Frank Andrews, and Wendy the Psychic—include somethings that will never come to pass, some that are so general they can't help but occur, and some that are "no duh" obvious. Let's look into our very own Magic 8 Ball and see if these predictions pass muster:

• Iraq: Moves toward peaceful land split by ethnic grouping— Please, European map-makers will never let this happen.
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• Afghanistan: Signs of victory in eight months.—Even Cindy admits that this is crazy talk.
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• California: Worst drought in decades.—That's a little bit like predicting that there will be wildfires this summer and celebrities' houses will be threatened. Too easy.
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• Chicago: February blizzards isolate city for days.—In other news, it will be warm in Florida and it will rain in Seattle. Look, we're psychic!
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• Triple Crown winner is a small, unknown bay horse.—I can't even begin to care about this.
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• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes separate. It's the stress of his popularity decline.—No way, her contract has them together until at least 2014.
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• Brad and Angelina? Bad news.—But what's the bad news? That he's keeping that ugly beard?
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• Obama can do little to bolster the economy. And health care makes only a small dent in helping the needy.—Yeah, no shit. Thanks for being a downer.
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• Taylor Swift sings more suggestive lyrics, does a striptease number, writes and produces a screenplay, fights with then returns to Taylor Lautner.—The striptease number has already be choreographed for the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards. As far as writing the screenplay, unless it's a remake of Britney Spears' Crossroads, we don't see it happening.
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• Beyoncé gets pregnant. Maybe twins. Also writes a children's book about grandparents.—The Beyoncé children's book was as inevitable as her clothing line, and will be just as much of an abomination.
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• Renée Zellweger marries Bradley Cooper in a secret island ceremony. Has his baby.—Wait, does that mean that Zellweger is dating a straight guy? We doubt that. Our prediction is that they break up in six months and Renée is "linked" to Zachary Quinto once she is named as the new villain in the next Star Trek movie.
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• Dustin Hoffman produces a DVD on acting and does meaningful commercials for a cause.—This prediction is just like a Cindy Adams gossip item. It's stupid, meaningless and about someone who we don't really care about at all.
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• Shia LaBeouf gets Oscar buzz, maybe even a nomination. A fistfight gives him bad p.r.—This is so true that we thought it happened already.
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• Britney Spears, whose checkbook is enlarging, steals boy-toy Jesus from Madonna. —No way. We all know that Madonna is the one into hung Latinos and Britney is into trashy white guys. Get it straight, psychic!
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• Michael Douglas exits starring roles for director/producer status.—Didn't this happen in like 1975 with One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest?
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• Kirstie Alley and Chaz (nee Chastity) Bono an item???????—Please, Great Gossip Diety, if you make this happen, we promise to stop torturing small woodland creatures and saying mean things about your oracle Cindy Adams. OK, maybe just the first one.
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• Oprah's move a failure, but she does a movie with success.—Oprah called God personally and told him that if he lets her fail that she will bring the world to an end, so we don't think this is very likely.
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• Doris Day brought to good health after visitations in dreams from late son Terry Melcher.—We hope this comes true because the only people who care about this are also the only people who actually read Cindy Adams' column.

Last night, Francis emailed a nastygram (with a prize inside!) to our vacationing overlord Nick Denton, myself, three attorneys (Cyrus J. Nownejad, Brad Brian, David P. Schack), and for good measure two media contacts: Mike Waters, the news manager at TMZ, and Richard Johnson, the editor of the New York Post's Page Six. Francis is threatening to file lawsuit today over his Douche of the Decade award, claiming that he's lost a $10 million contract because we used the word "rapist" in the bio accompanying the prize. (Last week, when Francis' company lawyer Terry Yeom wrote his own letter, this mysterious lost bit of business only amounted to $4 million.) Here's the missive in full:

It falls to Gawker Media's legal honcho Gaby Darbyshire to handle complaints like these. In her reply to Yeom, she pointed out that there are about 140,000 Google search results for "joe francis rapist," including his Wikipedia page. And the old Defamer post we linked to last week is based on a 2006 Los Angeles Times profile of Francis by Claire Hoffman in which an 18-year-old girl gives an on the record account of Francis having sex with her on the Girls Gone Wild bus despite her repeatedly saying no. The whole thing is really worth a read. As Gaby wrote, "frankly, let's face it — given his chosen career and his actions to date, it would be hard to say that your client really has any reputation of social probity and standing to damage at this point, now does he?"

We're sorry that Gaby had to take time during her Christmas break to deal with this. But we are relieved that Francis hasn't let success temper what got him to the top of the douche heap. Shine on, you big beautiful oozing boil of a human being!

Update: Now TMZ says the photo is a fake. The naked ladies are from a 1967 Playboy photo shoot. Still, that doesn't explain why there would be a 1960 FBI memo, as dug up by The Smoking Gun, that describes a photo of "Senator Kennedy and other men, as well as several girls in the nude... taken aboard a yacht or some type of pleasure cruiser." Perhaps this photo was simply a doctored photo to fit the rumor?

• I believe them. TMZ says it consulted all kinds of experts, and they wouldn't lie about that. Say what you will about the propriety of their sources, TMZ's big breaks generally stand the test of time. This qualifies as a big break, and they know it. Update: Nooo! TMZ, you giveth and taketh away, despite my desperate longing for this one glorious image to be true. Cruel mistress, I will trust your sneakily-gotten hospital reports and invasive stolen legal documents never again.
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• The back story is based in fact. That it is insanely juicy, oh-so-scandalous fact only sweetens the deal:

  There are numerous articles and books on President John F. Kennedy which mention a 2-week, Mediterranean boating trip that JFK—then a Senator—took in August, 1956, with his brother Ted Kennedy and Senator George Smathers. The trio reportedly entertained a number of women on the yacht. Jackie Kennedy was pregnant at the time and was rushed to the hospital while JFK was on the boat. Doctors performed an emergency C-section, but the infant was stillborn.

  Lest you be confused by how this meshes with the last season of Mad Men, the baby described here is Jackie's first, Arabella, whose stillbirth occurred in 1956. In 1963, when the Draper household was falling apart, Jackie's youngest, Patrick Bouvier, died at the age of two days of a respiratory disease.

• But here is a question: Who took the picture? The angle suggests they are either (a.) docked, and the cameraman is on land (b.) beside a second boat, and the cameraman is on that (c.) alone, and the cameraman is treading water and angling his camera lens up, which doesn't seem likely, because cameras did not come waterproofed back then. Was there some 1950s paparazzo lurking about, and if so, does he have a whole role of sordid naked yacht pics? Or was Teddy aboard a second, even wilder pleasure yacht?
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• And: Who are these randos who keep popping up with intimate imagery of JFK cavorting with naked girls and Marilyn Monroe smoking "weed", anyway? How would such a picture come to exchange hands in the first place, and why did the old guy fold and unfold it so many times? He knew it was the president, and valuable, so unless he carrying it around in his back pocket as a talisman, there can't be much reason for the crappy shape the photo's in.

[TMZ]

Look! I put a pretty picture on it and gave it a transcript for People Who Don't Hear So Great.

Jakob was flying in from San Juan, and this is constant with what's been previously reported, which was that the new regulations would be in place for international flights arriving into America. Jetblue's site notes:

Operations Update Last Updated: 12/27/2009 [10:00 pm EST] Customers on flights originating outside of the United States are asked to allow at least one additional hour for check in due to U.S. government mandated security procedures. Please note: JetBlue's LiveTV programming will be inoperable on these flights as a result of these new procedures. Customers are asked to plan accordingly.

Jakob also—surprisingly, for this blogger!—makes both a salient, populist point and a trenchant observation when he notes the following. Astute kvetching, here:

I was also pissed that we couldn't watch TV on our flight. And if I were JetBlue, I'd be pissed that one of my company's distinguishing features was now indefinitely banned.

Truth. That said, if I were

1. Working in print,
2. Working in the business of drugs that will knock you the fuh out, or
3. A kinetophobic,

I could see this as the kind of thing that would make my day. Until then, most people will simply buy an extra magazine and stock up on Xanax. And this is where I'd lament these regulations not actually being of any foreseeable security value except for terrorists who wait to file their taxes at the last minute and terrorize during the last hour of the plane ride, and uh, the paralyzing threat that is JetBlue's XM Radio, but that's fairly obvious as it is. What more's there to say, here? This is patently ridiculous, and also, sucks.

Monday update: JetBlue P.R. Morgan Johnston emails to say that the ban on live TV has been rescinded: "I wanted to advise you and your readers, that as of this morning JetBlue will be resuming regular LiveTV service for all US bound international flights."

In today's column, Tripsas waxes ecstatic about about the 3M Company's "innovation center," which helps their customers provide input in the design process. Cool! Except NYTPicker has learned that Tripsas and other "innovation researchers" were flown to the center last month—airfare and accommodations gratis. Imagine the infamous Thrillist junket with less booze and more whiteboards.

This is not kosher with Times freelancer rules, which state:

In connection with their work for us, freelancers will not accept free transportation, free lodging, gifts, junkets, commissions or assignments from current or potential news sources.

Clearly, 3M was a "potential news source" at the time they flew Tripsas out to their Innovation Chocolate Factory, since they became a current news source in today's column. But Tripsas, who is a professor at the Harvard Business School, is trying to work the "In connection with their work for us" clause into a loophole, according to NYTPicker:

"I am a professor who does research on innovation and, in fact 3M was not aware of my recent NYT affiliation when they invited me," Prof. Tripsas told The NYTPicker via email. "As a professor, I am sometimes invited to speak to companies about innovation, and it is not unusual for the company to reimburse travel expenses, so 3M did pay for my hotel and airfare. I did not inform the New York Times of that since I viewed the visit as a speaking engagement that was part of my broader academic research. "

See, it had nothing to do with the Times!

Even giving Tripsas the benefit of the doubt in assuming that 3M—a company at the forefront of corporate innovation—didn't know she wrote a column in the Times about corporate innovation, it's hard to believe that her 3M piece was in no way inspired by her tour of 3M. Unless 3M is so innovative as to have devised a memory-erasing machine which allowed Tripsas to forget everything she witnessed that day. (Which, they ought to roll that out right now for all the people who made the mistake of seeing "Sherlock Holmes.")

As Times' public editor Clark Hoyt helpfully put it in his latest column:

In the end, there is a bright line here. Journalists cannot use the power of The Times, or any newspaper, for what can be construed as personal purposes. It is simply wrong to look as if you are getting even with a company, or writing a plug for family or friends.

It's pretty easy to see the tit-for-tat that "could be construed" from Tripsas columnar 3M lovefest coming right after her 3M junket.

Granted, the Times freelancer rules are so complicated even Times editors misunderstood them. But after finally figuring out which rules he broke, the Times came down hard on Mike Albo, the impoverished travel writer who just wanted to hang out in Jamaica and have a personal butler and free booze all paid for by JetBlue.

If the Times doesn't axe Tripsas' column we are blaming two things:

1) Tripsas' fancy job at Harvard.
2) Times editors being a bunch of hypocritical hypocrites.

REMEMBER MIKE ALBO:

(Mike Albo Memorial T-Shirt™ Courtesy of Foster E. Kamer)

Yesterday Mediaite and TV Newser reported on Schurnga's two wares he's got for sale: the first, a blurry picture of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. The second is himself, for interviews. CNN got to him first. They also got an interview.

This is the interview Jasper did. You can watch the entire thing, but it only gets good around 6:45, when Schuringa appears to be looking off-camera, trying to end the interview, and in doing so, preserving his product for further sale.

Mediaite's Steve Krakauer deftly explains how things like this go down:

The practice of paying a "licensing fee" rather than a direct exchange is a way networks who claim to never pay for interviews can get around the issue. By paying for images and video, they are free to say no money was exchanged hands for the actual interview – which is still viewed as unseemly for news outlets not named the National Enquirer or TMZ. But paying for something to secure an interview happens quite a bit.

Steve was dead-on. This is what happened:

All the media organizations found Schuringa's company website, which had his cell phone number on it. By the time he finally got to Miami, his final destination, CNN and The New York Post had gotten to him.

Once the Post and CNN got through to Jasper, he handed over all negotiations to his friend who lives in Miami who he came to the U.S. to visit. His name is Shai Ben-Ami. He's an Israeli guy who's in the restaurant business, as a Google search would turn up. He owns some kind of Pick Up Stix imitator. Though their Orange Chicken sounds good about now.

Schurnga sold the "TV Rights" of the first of his two photos to CNN for $10K.

The "print rights" went to the Post for $5K.

Later, Schuringa was paid upwards of $3K by ABC News for a second photo, which Schuringa tried to sell to other local news outlets for $5K, unsuccessfully.

Jasper Schuringa made at least $18,000 from two shitty, blurry photos.

Why?

Because the only way to get interviews with this guy was to pay him, so CNN and The New York Post ponied up. Fox News used the Post's interview, because they're part of Murdoch-stan. NBC apparently didn't pay, because they don't have their own interview. Neither does the New York Daily News or the New York Times. But the New York Daily News did take CNN's photo (albeit watermarked) and interview quotes for their story in this morning's paper for the low price of free-ninety-nine. Thrifty!

One reporter reached Shai just before Jasper went on CNN, and was told that after they were done with CNN and worked out a contract with ABC, they'd talk to the reporter about the print rights to the second photo, and Jasper would talk to reporters if—and only if—the reporter decided to buy it.

"He was quite upfront about it," we're told. "He made it clear that Jasper was only talking to news organizations that paid."

And he made it clear over emails. Which look like this. Emphasis mine:

The post and times still talking about photo 2 what can you offer forit!? I feel bad dropping with you after you have been cool with us ...
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

You might have to run it only for monday cuz abc wants to use it aswell for tv news and they stressed if we could hold off till monday with paper ? Would that work ...
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

Others numbers are extremly higher
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

They have exclusive rights for photo 1, that is a final, for photo 2
they are offering 3k, we are going with them soon if I don't hear back
from you on equal contract ... Thanks for all ...
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

Welcome to the wonderful world of Checkbook Journalism. Have you seen the photo? It looks like this.

It's nothing.

Neither is the other photo, which is just more of the same. Again, these major news networks aren't really paying for the photo, they're paying for the thing that comes with the photo: an interview.

Here's the "funny" thing: CNN admitted to Mediaite and TV Newser that they paid for the photo, but wouldn't comment on the interview. When pressed, will they cop to it?

CNN tells Mediaite they paid a "licensing fee" for the exclusive cell phone image, which they have been using throughout the day...CNN clarifies the network did not pay for the actual interview during CNN Newsroom.

Of course not. Because they're a news organization, not tabloid scum.

So:

Technically, did they pay for the interview? Probably not.
Categorically, did they pay for the interview? Absolutely.

When CNN wanted to talk about Balloon Boy a few weeks back? They wanted the goods—the exclusive—but they didn't want to pay, be seen as paying, or refer to the story as anything but allegedly true. So they got the next best thing: my boss, talking about the story!

Looks like they learned their lesson.

Checkbook journalism is back, and here to stay. Media critics who lambast some news organizations for paying for sources are going to have to deal with the cold, hard fact that getting a scoop has gotten a lot more competitive these days.

Not only that, but the mainstream outlets who hold themselves in higher regards than those (like ours) who openly admit to ponying up for a story are doing the same thing themselves, the sole difference being: We don't feel the need to lie about it. Why do they?

Introducing John Mayer: The Blogger.

So, this happened:

And then TMZ followed it up with a post cutely titled "True Lies" (like the AWESOME James Cameron movie starring Tom Arnold and Tia Carrere) where, in some Avatar press interview footage, James Cameron notes that "he'd sign as many autographs as people will line up for."

Nice! James Cameron doesn't really seem like the kinda guy TMZ would go for, right? But Avatar posts are getting awesome traffic right now, so they're just astutely following the news cycle. And it just so happens that James Cameron called this guy a "fucking asshole" and they were there to get footage of it!

So why'd James Cameron, the fan-friendly director, freak out? Maybe it was because it was Christmas Eve, and he's normally signing things when his wife isn't with him. Or maybe it was because he had a turbulent flight! How the hell do you feel when you get off of airplanes? Or maybe it was something that happened between the relatively suspicious cuts on the TMZ game tape.

But most people know better. John Mayer, who probably deals with this kind of shit often, is one of them. And in an articulate posting to his Tumblr—John Mayer has a Tumblr! And it's not John Mayer Will Change Your Life! How 'bout that?—Mayer breaks down how this works, from his perspective.

First, he calls out the system: everyone's for sale, everywhere.

American Airlines has long been known to have at least one person in their organization selling flight manifests to the paparazzi. I'd imagine it's not hard to find a gate agent or a skycap willing to trade a well-known name or two for a couple hundred dollars..

Which, as this website knows, is totally correct. Money buys things, like scoops!

...The fact that passenger lists are not available to the general public means that anyone waiting at the airport with any more than the CD from the passenger seat of their car has gotten word of which celebrities will be traveling through the terminal in the same way the paparazzi do. In some cases, these "fans" are working in concert with them. After all, it's a great way to get a celebrity to interact with you on video if you can ask them impolite questions while they're stopping to sign a few items for someone. If they decline, it's time to switch to plan B: paint them as shallow Hollywood types that only care about the "little people" when it best serves them. This logic doesn't really hold water since everyone now knows that being videotaped at LAX is regarded as one of the most high profile appearances one can make, especially during the release of a film.

Also true! Most celebrities have to fly like normal people do: through airports. And if you've ever been to LAX, you know the hell that may or may not await them (and you!) as you shuffle through paps to find your friend giving you a ride home. And celebrities know to look good when they go through LAX, because, again, they'll be photographed. And often, asked to become part of the celebrity autograph moneymaking machine! Celebrities are wont to preserve autographing things for fans and charities and things like that; they don't like to sign the shoddy things scheme-people try to get them to.

Even some of TMZ's commenters know this, one of whom pointed out that this eBay seller is most likely the guy in the video, who screamed after Cameron "I'm an asshole because I ask someone I admire for their autograph that makes me an asshole? I make $15-an-hour at work to go see your film and I'm an asshole?"

That'd make sense, as the guy in the video's wearing the same hat he also got Jackie Earle Hayley to sign. Which I guess he keeps a good stock of. Or: was just smart enough to take it off his head and get it signed by Hayley at the time.

See! Scheme-people are quick-witted! And when they don't get what they want, which is money, sleazy scheme-people get angry. Then they try to get people like James Cameron to call them "fucking assholes." And John Mayer sees that part going something like this:

While I can't speak to what happened before the segment of video on TMZ, I can tell you that the man in the tiny hat with the Avatar poster had probably engaged with Cameron from at least 50 paces before the automatic doors. That's how it goes down; they walk alongside you. They bark requests at you, trying to get your pulse to quicken. If you give in and sign, the guy with the poster gets to sell it and make a few bucks. If you don't give in, as it gets harder to acquiesce with each successive yelp, then the stench of cash really starts to waft in as Video Camera Guy gets the goods while you explain in no uncertain terms to Obnoxious E-bay Poster Guy that he's not going to get what he's asking for tonight.

Pretty good, right? Mayer goes on to observe that Cameron isn't used to dealing with this kind of bullshit. Think about the last time James Cameron was doing serious press rounds. TMZ wasn't around then.

Mayer's entire blog post is here, and if you'll read through it, you'll note that it's not just "good for a rock star," but "good for a blog post." Not bad! Though the most interesting part is actually when he notes, of Cameron's media dealings:

He doesn't understand the media shuffle, and I'm glad he hasn't given any thought to it. It's actually a waste of brain matter, and a slippery slope of compromise.

Well, Mayer does speak from experience, and that experience clearly involves very little compromise, but also, clearly, an impressive regard for self-awareness (just as suspected). John, anytime you feel like taking to the blog, holler. We're a growing company, and I, for one, am impressed.

So! When you open this week's New York Times Sunday Styles, what kind of original wonderful 00's retrospective will they have for you?

"Bloggers Crash Fashion's Front Row," New York Times - 12/27/2009*

Hm. That sounds/looks familiar.

"Young Bloggers Have Ear of Fashion Heavyweights," New York Times, 09/13/2009

Yeah, but that's gotta be some...kind of...coincidence. Right?

[Click to enlarge, please.]

"Style bloggers take centre stage," Financial Times - 11/13/2009*

"Fashion Bloggers, Where They Belong: In The Front Row," Mediaite - September 29th, 2009

"Milan Fashion Week: Bloggers Go Front Row" - Scallywag & Vagabond, September 28, 2009

"Front Row Fashion Bloggers at Dolce & Gabbana," Cortorture - September 28, 2009

"Tavi Gevinson, 13-Year-Old Fashion Blogger Scores Front-Row Seats at New York Fashion Week" - Zimbio, September 21, 2009

"Bloggers Take Over the Front Row," InStyle - September 10, 2009

"Style blogger Susie Lau is headed for fashion's front row," The Observer - February 8, 2009

So, how long have people been using this stupid fucking tired dead horse linguistic chicken bone? Let's put it like this: Greg Lindsay, writing for MediaBistro, beat all of them to it.

"Bloggers In Tents: Fashion Warms to New Media," MediaBistro - February 6, 2007

Here's the takeaway:

1. The New York Times is laying off the wrong people. I already miss Allen Salkin far more than I ever thought I would.

2. Fashion bloggers are running fashion. Market editors should all fear for their lives.

3. Old age and treachery are of no use in the world of fashion writing. The most influential of these bloggers is a thirteen year-old girl who is feared and respected by the most powerful people in that business.

4. Neither are intelligence, creativity, or writing ability. Fashion writers and the people writing about fashion all fall behind a 13 year-old girl.

5. Fashion has now reached new levels of awareness-lacking self-parody.

Fashion people, I shouldn't have to do this for you. But when somebody shows up to a party wearing the same thing as someone else, it's, like, a crime punishable by summary execution, right? Well, guess what: you're all wearing the same trend piece. Let me fix this:

It's time to take those fashon bloggers, and the writers writing about the fashion bloggers, and kick them the fuck out of the front row, the second-to-front row, the tents, and then, make fashion and fashion writing interesting and readable and a total plutocracy or dictatorship or what have you. This kind of writing makes fat-hating Cintra Wilson look like a potential MacArthur Genius Grant recipient. Sometimes, when you give power to the people, it turns out that the people—as is the case here—suck. So you gotta take it back. Anna Wintour, just hire the 13 year-old kid and get rid of the rest. Kelly Cutrone, you should carry around brass knuckles and every time you see a laptop at a fashion week tent, you should not hesitate to smash them into said laptops.* Do you understand what I'm saying, here? Unless everyone writing about fashion actually sucks that bad—and that can't be possible, can it?—this has to be a conspiracy. Maybe's it's Mugatu and his return behind this.

IT'S THE SAME HEADLINE.

IT'S THE SAME BAD WRITING.

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

[*The reason this will never, ever happen is because a majority of fashion writing is predicated on selling the products they're writing about, supported by advertisers selling the same products. Bloggers help get the word out about these products, thereby, more publicity for advertisers, with less hassle, because they're not dealing with major publication divas. So really, fashion bloggers are here to stay, whether anybody likes it or not. The trend pieces about them, however, might be getting a tad bit stale. At the very least, fashion's sense of wonder with them as new toys will likely get that way, too.]

A long time ago, back when Radar wasn't a Zombie Radar, Charlie Sheen got married and it was carefully observed that, at his third wedding, Sheen noted:

"The first one was a show, the second one was a con, and this one is the real deal."

If by show, you mean, "I shot her in the arm." Oh, no, wait, that was fiancee Kelly Preston. But if by "con," he meant, "that time I was married to Denise Richards and she accused me of child molestation so in retaliation I accused her of beating the shit out of me," he'd be correct, I guess. So when he talks about the "real deal" he must've meant "the one time in my life I'll be in a relationship without a domestic abuse spat that involves police being called," well, he was wrong. Because he's now being accused of choking wife Brooke Mueller out.

He was charged with second-degree assault, menacing and criminal mischief and was housed in the Pitkin County jail, cops said. He later posted $8,500 bond after speaking with a county judge, according to police spokeswoman Stephanie Dasaro in Aspen.

No, but really Charlie Sheen, what's wrong with you?

Conspiracy Theorist? Check.
Racist? Check.
Druggie? Check.
Wifebeater? Check.

Also, Charlie Sheen, what's wrong with the people you marry or try to marry?

Kelly Preston ended up with John Travolta, and they both ended up scary Scientologists.

Denise Richards went totally fucking bonkers and had a show on E! where all bonkers people get shows.

This one was drunk and also isn't talking to cops which will just make this worse.

Better question: What's wrong with us? How is Charlie Sheen the highest paid actor on TV? Do you know anybody who actually watches Two and a Half Men? The real conspiracy theory is how Charlie Sheen still has a career. The guy is a bona. fide. fuckup. He is also invincible.

This incident, like every other Charlie Sheen incident, will matter not to anybody.

Charlie Sheen could burn down the Chateau Marmont with His Holiness the Dalai Lama in it after getting too crazy with his homemade meth lab, and Hollywood wouldn't hesitate to give him the leading role in a six-picture feature adaptation of Redwall as the lead mouse. And he'd win an Oscar for it.

Whatever. When this civilization is dead and the Avatard aliens or whoever are trying to understand our history and they get to the part about Charlie Sheen's career and the human compassion it somehow fueled itself on to keep going and going and never fail to die, all they'll need to do is watch this scene, which is basically the answer, and also, might serve as an essential part of the complex algorithm that is our ability as a species to conjure up forgiveness, or indulge ourselves in masochism, or something.

I think we like his smile. That has to be it.

LOSER: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab—or whatever his name is—tried to light a mixture of powder he'd taped to his leg, trying to kill everyone on board. Asshole. Well, he was foiled. And again, as Ravi pointed out yesterday, news organizations didn't even get his name right:

ABC news are naming that suspect as Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, who they say is an engineering student at University College, London. (Wall Street Journal: "Abdul Mudallad"; MSNBC: "Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab".)

Heh. He doesn't deserve to have his name correct! Paging Alessandra Stanley! I'd call him "Fuckface FireBalls Magoo" but I think that'd also denote a #SorryGabe tag, and I'm far past my quota for the month. Scary moment of foretelling, however: his Dad had called the U.S. embassy in Nigeria six months ago to warn them of his son's radicalization. Eegh.

BRIEF HISTORY OF LOSERS LIKE HIM: You'd think terrorists would know that it's probably a bad idea to fuck around on an airplane, because people on airplanes who are near them will undoubtedly kick the shit out of them on the regular, and ask questions later. Terrorists, don't you get it? Airline passengers all around the world—and especially Americans—will not hesitate to give you a down home ass stomping if you wild out. Richard Reid tried to do it in 2001, they kicked the shit out of him. Some guy shouted "I've got a bomb" in January and they kicked the shit out of him. This guy had an argument with an off-duty pilot, and they kicked the shit out of him and duct-taped him to his seat. Etc, etc, etc. Basically, if you even remotely appear to look like you're going to bring some ruckus on an airplane, your fellow passengers will kick the shit out of you. As was the case here. Good on those passengers. Or good on this one passenger!

WINNERS: Us! Because he failed. Also, this good looking fellow named Jasper Schuringa, who was identified as the guy who stopped Paula Abdul Farouk Whatever.

"I pulled the object from him and tried to extinguish the fire with my hands and threw it away," Schuringa told CNN. Schuringa said his hands were "pretty burned" after incident, but said the injuries were minor. "I am fine. I am shaken up. I am happy to be here."

You will also be happy to belatedly be the recipient of an abundance of ass in your stocking for Christmas. Dude's already got a Facebook fan page, which includes a marriage proposal. NICE.

LOSERS: People traveling into the US on international flights. If you're flying into America, and you look even remotely upset about your honey-roasted peanuts, you're going to be read the riot act and sent to a dark room with a lightbulb as soon as you land. The increased security measures this thing has prompted go something like this:

• Passengers on international flights coming into America only get one carry-on.
  
  
• During the final hour of your flight coming into America, you won't be able to get out of your seat.
  
  
• Or access your carry-on baggage.
  
  
• Or have "personal belongings or other items on their laps."
  
  
• And possibly, no electronics at all during international flights going into America. This is unconfirmed as wide policy, but if true, will make sitting next to me very awful, as Radiohead's oeuvre is typically my flight music of choice, and I will be forced to hum Kid A for upwards of six hours the next time I take an international flight back to America (next week). Or if I'm feeling really sadistic, Pablo Honey.

Remember when you used to be able to go to the gate and meet people at the gate? That was at the beginning of this decade! And here we are, at the end of this decade! Where some people can't even take a piss for the entire hour final hour of their flight. The times, they are changing.

Biggest Assholes: Al-Qaeda. Everyone who was pretty sure he wasn't an Al-Qaeda operative and just an asshole with thankfully bad engineering skills is wrong: he's an associated asshole.

Best Schadenfreude: The kid probably burned his balls really badly. The Red Hat Ladies of Terrorism—What? They're everywhere and nowhere at once. It makes sense.—sewed "80 grams of PETN, a compound related to nitro-glycerin used by the military" into his underwear by their top bomb maker in Yemen. If this guy's their top bomb maker, well, he's probably getting a demotion today. Awful upshot, however? Everyone's balls will be examined more thoroughly whenever they travel here on out:

The device intended to blow up the Northwest flight was made at the location in Yemen, according to Abdulmutallab, and consisted of a six-inch packet of powder and a syringe with a liquid. Both were sewn into the student's underwear so they would be near his testicles and unlikely to be detected, he told agents.

Basically, terrorists mess up everything for everyone. Trenchant Geopolitical Observation: Everyone should just blow out their cherry bombs and chill the fuck out.

[Top Photo via Getty Images]

To use the Gawker Internet Yule Log™:
1)On Christmas morning, press "Play".
2)Bask in its glory.

Merry Christmas, you ungrateful wretches.

Looking at a whole bunch of old Cover Lies is a great way to remind yourself that ladymags just recycle the same old weight-loss, man-snagging, and faux-self-improvement tropes again and again and again. In February Cosmo, for instance, we saw the Simple Way To Revolutionize Your Life. Yes, ladies, it's breathing. Millions of women have died because they ignored this basic tip.

Am I normal? Is he? You might not give a shit, but one important goal of ladymags is to make sure you and your genitals are conforming enough. So get out the measuring tape and appraise various aspects of your "down-there."

Of course, the Weight Loss Tip is also an essential part of the woman's magazine anatomy. These tips fall into two categories: Totally Insane, and So Basic That If It Worked Everyone Would Be Skinny. May Glamour offers the latter.

Like the Weight Loss Tip, the Sex Tip changes little from month to month. May Cosmo (May was an especially lie-alicious month) offered pull-out cards with tame sex fantasies — like going to a wedding in nice clothes — for those who can't even think up lame, cliched scenarios on their own.

Another tried-and-true ladymag trick is to promise scandal and deliver saccharine. May Vogue was full of models talking about how nice other models are — just like how every celebrity in Hollywood loves every other celebrity, every famous marriage is perfect, and every star stays thin by chasing after her kids.

It might seem like it's easy just to churn out monthly variations on tired themes, but the staff at magazines actually have it rough: they have to take all the free shit advertisers send to them and somehow shoehorn it into what passes for an editorial feature. A frequent solution is the "20, 30, 40" method — age categories that are, as June Marie Claire makes clear, pretty much random.

Dividing women into age categories isn't just a way to sell cosmetics — it's a way to promote clothes too. August Vogue did this by putting the ancient, decrepit Christy Turlington on its cover, then filling its interior with teenage and twentysomething models supposedly showing off looks for older women. Also a Vogue standby: the terrifying cosmetic procedure. Here it's "Inner Eyelid Laser Incineration."

Elle is often especially good at featuring clothes that look good on no one. As a bonus, the September issue also offered some eyeshadow "tips from hos."

Related to the Completely Unflattering Outfit is the Completely Absurd Photo Shoot — and Vogue really excels in this department. In October, highlights included several combinations of things that shouldn't be combined: tennis and breakfast in bed, boxing and evening gowns, horses and hats.

Of course, the secret weapon of all ladymags is that they're completely depressing. Whether they're telling you that your man will leave you because you're too successful, or doling out confusing, contradictory sartorial advice, if you read enough of them you will not want to eat, have sex, go to work, or even get dressed. All you will be able to do is lie in bed and read magazines. Which is exactly their plan.

In this clip from The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (1982), Dolly and the other working girls sing "Hard Candy Christmas."


From their 1984 special Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas to Remember, Dolly teams up with Kenny Rogers—and a bunch of creepy mannequins—to sing the title song she penned "A Christmas to Remember."


In the 1990 TV special A Down Home Country Christmas, Dolly relays the story of her first (and only?) doll she owned as a child, Little Tiny Tassel Top, which was made out of a corn cob, and was the inspiration for the first song she ever wrote.


In the made-for-TV movie Smoky Mountain Christmas (1986), Dolly plays a country music star who runs into a mountaineer (Lee Majors), seven orphans, and a witch in the backwoods of Tennessee. In this clip, she sings the title song.


In another song from her 1984 special with Kenny Rogers, Dolly sings "White Christmas."


From her vlog, Dolly wishes everyone a Merry Christmas for 2009.

Mr. Incredible's trip down memory lane.

Verdict: Worth it. The art on the Incredible magazine covers is absolutely frame worthy.

2012 had crazy Woody and his pull-down chart of conspiracy. Planning to write about climate change? Whoops, you're now dead — see, he put a line through each scientist's name.

Verdict: Worthless, the wall of clippings and the crazy person blog was overkill. But then again this is 2012, so at least it's staying in its wheelhouse.

Mulder's office is papered with clippings and UFO sightings in the last X-Files film, thus hitting us over the head one last time with the fact that he's a BELIEVER.

Verdict: Worthless. Anyone going to this movie already knew all about Mulder's beliefs. They didn't need the "crazy obsession" wall, but they can keep the wrinkled poster from the original X-Files show.

In The Children of Men you get a quickie recap, not only of the Jasper character and his comatose wife but of the present day situation as well.

Verdict: Worthless. If Jasper's wife was indeed tortured by the oppressive new government regime, would they really keep the giant reminder posted on their wall of that horrible experience? Go on down the line, lovely pictures of friends, interesting and telling news clips of something they probably worked on, awards explaining their characters — and then a giant full-page story detailing the brutal torture your wife, thus making her completely unresponsive. Ah, memories.

Here's another newspaper moment in Children of Men that wasn't really used to portray obsession or honor, but it was nice that the production crew made sure all the headlines were relevant to the story.

Verdict: Worth it, even if it was just an aesthetic.

Halloween! Michael will never die, and neither will his victim's memory of him.

Verdict: Worth it. It's a horror movie, it's expected.

The Hills Have Eyes remake had a quickie wall of foreshadowing, and filled us in that the Hills were definitely full of mutant kid eyes.

Verdict: Worth it, it was great build up to the horrible nuclear family reveal. That little girl haunted me for days, and I needed a little build-up to the character, cliché though it may be.

Whip Lash's lair in Iron Man 2 is all about obsession.

Verdict: Worthless, for now. Until we see more. We didn't need the clippings to prove that Whiplash wants to kill Tony, because all he literally does, from the looks of things, is try to kill Tony. But maybe it will flesh out some backstory , although it's highly unlikely as all those clippings are pretty modern.

Mr. Glass' wall of destruction in Unbreakable.

Verdict: Worthless and Worth It. Samuel L. Jackson was scary enough in this as is, but it did help catch you up if you hadn't already called him as the bad guy hours earlier. Also, I believe there may be some flaws in these clips.

Original Nite Owl's den was a museum to Watchmen.

Verdict: Worth It. This is the kind of thing director Zack Snyder excels at. And when it's good it's very, very good. Everything on this wall has a back story. Even with its other shortcomings, Watchmen did have a very well thought-out set. Even if it was ripped from the novel, it looked good.

Willy Wonka's pops reveals to the audience that he didn't hate his son at all, because he framed all his newspaper articles. This was actually more creepy than exciting, but then again it is the remake of Willy Wonka, where Depp gives pale death face smiles for half the film, so it least it fits the tone.

Verdict: Worth it, since it fits in with the crazy theme of the film.

In the last ten years, researchers have discovered thousands of species, both living and extinct. We got dino-eating crocodiles and killer kangaroos; a fish with a transparent head and a demon duck of doom; a bright pink millipede and giant spiders. And previously named species, such as the tongue-eating isopod and the alien-limbed Magnapinna, made headlines.

A few of these species were observed before 2000, but were only named or recognized as species in the last ten years. And each has some wonderfully monstrous quality, be it their incredible size, arsenal of offensive or defensive weapons, or knack for survival.

A Big Cat With Bite: The Bornean Clouded Leopard, which was found to be a new species in 2007 (though it had been observed long before), may not look like much at first. It may weigh in at a mere 55 pounds, putting it on the small side for a big cat, but it has the largest teeth of any known cat alive. It has even been described as the modern answer to the Sabertooth Tiger.
The Largest Snake to Slither the Earth: If South America's giant Anacondas make you quiver, be grateful that Titanoboa cerrejonensis has been dead for two million years. This prehistoric constrictor grew up to 50 feet in length and weighed in at a whopping 2500, the largest snake ever found. And its favorite food? Crocodiles. I can only imagine the digestive system on that thing.

Incidentally, this decade also saw the discovery of the smallest known snake, the Barbados Threadsnake.

Fanged Frogs: 2009 was a big year for frogs with teeth. Fanged frogs turned up in the Mount Bosavi crater in Papua New Guinea, where strange and wondrous new species are being discovered all the time. But even more monstrous are the Limnonectes megastomias, recently discovered in Thailand. This amphibian has been known to use its fangs in deadly combat, dismembering its froggy opponents. On top of that, when a bird swoops near, L. megastomias will snap and turn it into a tasty feast.

Sea Monsters of the Ancient Deep: Paleontologists digging in the Arctic Svalbard islands uncovered what they believe to be a new species of pliosaur, one with a skull twice as large as a Tyrannosaurus rex's. Its teeth were 12 inches long (with a bite four times as strong as T. Rex's), and is 15-meter-long body weighed an estimated 45 tons. That would make this Jurassic beast considerably larger than any pliosaur previously discovered.

Beware the Box: Giant jellyfish are a sight to behold, but it's the diminutive Malo kingi that you'll really want to avoid. The jelly gets its name, tragically, from its first known victim, Robert King, an American tourist swimming off the Queensland coast in 2002. Some researchers believe kingi venom is among the most toxic in the world.

A Rat as Big as a Cow: They just don't make rodents like they used to. Josephoartigasia monesi weighed around a ton — dwarfing the modern capybara — and had enormous incisors that rival a beaver's wood shredding teeth. Those incisors came in hand when fending off predatory birds and Sabertooth Tigers, though this largest of the rodents snacked on fruits and vegetables.

Mammal-Eating Plants: Pitcher plants are nothing new, but these large, rat-eating veggies added a few species in the last ten years. Naturalist David Attenborough was immortalized in Nepenthes attenboroughii, a new species found in the Philippines. Rodents are attracted to the liquid in the pitchers, then drown when they tumble inside.

A Bug Bigger Than You: In 2007, diggers found giant spiked claw belonging to Jaekelopterus rhenaniae in Prum, Germany. This sea scorpion, which lived 390 million years ago, was an estimated 8.2 meters long and ate anything it could get its claws on — including other scorpions.

Extreme Living, in Your Hairspray: Extremophiles can exist in environments that would kill lesser species — in extreme heat or cold, inside nuclear reactors, or in the void of space. Microbacterium hatanonis, discovered in 2008, chooses an odd environment as its home: in hairspray. It's not clear how the bacterium affects humans, but the discovery adds more information on where and how they can survive.

Bomber Worms: This year, a researcher at Scripps Institute of Oceanography discovered seven new species of sea worms that secrete small globs of fluid that act as biological flash bombs. These bombs glow, distracting predators while the worm slips away. It's only a shame that their defensive bombs can't be weaponized for bonus monster action.

A source tells us Sarandon, 63, is now in a relationship with the 31 year-old Bricklin. Which, first of all: Holy shit. Second of all: This suggests Sarandon's investment in Bricklin's Ping Pong social club, Spin, was not only motivated by her professed love of the game. Bricklin is a filmmaker whose latest (first?) film is a documentary about his father, the founder of Subaru of America. He's also one of three principals in Spin, which opened this September in the Flatiron and offers unlimited ping pong playing and hobnobbery for a modest $100/month membership fee. (Filmmakers Franck Raharinsoy and Bill Mack are the other two founders.)

If the rumor is true, the unlikely couple's relationship was probably sparked by their mutual appreciation for thwacking a little plastic ball across a net. According to the Observer, Sarandon and Bricklin first met in 2007 at one of the celebrity-studded "Naked Ping Pong" parties Bricklin and his two filmmaking buddies hosted in their Tribeca loft. (Alas, no actual nudity was involved.) Sarandon then hired the trio to make a video for Robbins' 50th birthday. (Whoops!) According to our source, "The rest is history."

A quick trip down Google lane finds Bricklin to be a cuddly hipster Ping Pong nerd, haplessly forehanding his way into the pages of Vogue, the Times and New York Social Diary. In 2008, he tried out for the Beijing Olympics in what must have been a joke. His level of play was described by USA Today as "marginally better than some pickup pingpong match in a college dorm rec room." (He lost in the first round, 4 sets to nil.)

We'll see if Sarandon and Bricklin are spotted playing any heated doubles matches in the near future.

Update: ABC News reports that Sarandon's publicist, Teal Cannady, denies that Sarandon has been volleying with Ping Pong boy:

"The rumors are absolutely untrue," Cannaday told ABCNews.com. "Susan's relationship with Jonathan Bricklin is strictly a business one."

Here's Bricklin playing Ping Pong in 2007 while waiting in line for the release of the iPhone. Yes, really.

[Pic Getty]

According to an "Occurrence Report" obtained by the non-profit Project on Government Oversight (POGO), researchers blew up their building with a powerful cannon used to study the types of forces produced by a nuclear explosion:

"On December 16, 2009, Shock and Detonation Physics Group researchers heard a loud unusual noise from Technical Area 15, Building 562 after firing a shot from a large-bore powder gun (LBPG).... the researchers conducted surveillance outside TA-15-562 and observed that two doors had been blown off the facility and concrete shielding blocks on the west and east side of the building were separated from the wall."

Although no one was hurt, a POGO source puts the damage at around $3 million. We're going to say it: That was $3 million of taxpayer funds well-spent. Forget those stem cell thingies. Blow up a couple buildings every month and we'll have high school students flooding science classes like they were Jonas Brothers concerts.

After Noah Shachtman's Danger Room picked up the item, a representative from the National Nuclear Security Administration sent a testy email to the blog claiming that "no building at Los Alamos was destroyed in this incident and any suggestion otherwise is the sort of irresponsible hyperbole we've come to expect from [POGO]." (They're probably a little defensive due to the string of embarrassing safety lapses POGO has exposed at LANL over the years.)

OK, now we are getting into the semantics of destruction: The spokesperson was criticizing a press release POGO sent out titled "Los Alamos National Researchers Accidentally Blow up Building with a Cannon." (Greatest press release ever?) That does not necessarily mean the WHOLE building was blown up, right? The Occurrence Report itself said that "two doors had been blown off the facility"—presumably in an upward direction? Furthermore... Oh, screw it, what the
hell are we even talking about: SCIENTISTS BLEW UP THEIR OWN BUILDING WITH THIS CANNON:

(From the Los Alamos National Laboratory Shock and Detonation Physics Group website.)

Here is the entire Occurrence Report. You'll note that a building being blown up with a civil war-type cannon rates as "Significance Category 2". We'd hate to see categories 3-10:

(Pick via Chadh's Flickr)

OK!
Did a double issue last week so the editors could spend the holidays rereading the Twilight books, or ahem, doing some "reporting" on Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.
Grade: Excused for religious holiday (Keeping the "Christ" in Christmas.)

Us
"Elin's Revenge"
Everyone at Us must have had visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads all week because the only new information in this story about Elin Nordegren divorcing Tiger Woods is this dud of a quote from her twin sister Josefin Nordegren: "It's been difficult because it's not something we can deal with in private... But we are doing our best." Snore. In other news, Angelina Jolie gave Jennifer Aniston a break this week and agreed to be the one who's "so lonely." Angie's sad because she has no mommy friends, but for some reason the source phrased that as "Angelina is hungry for normal moms to be around," which makes it sound like she's a mom-brain craving zombie. In "Better Without Makeup?" (image 6), we learn that 66 percent of Us readers think Lady Gaga is beautiful just the way she is. The same can not be said for Kim Kardashian. Finally, Us calls out the other tabloids for their bogus covers in "Fake News of the Year" (image 7). Too bad we already beat them to it.
Grade: F (All he wants for Christmas is his mistress.)

Life & Style
"Tiger And Elin Fight For The Kids"
This story retells Tiger Woods saga from the point of view of his two kids, Sam, 2, and Charlie, 10 months. The mag writes: "Sam and Charlie may be too young to grasp that at least 14 different women have now accused their father of cheating on their mother..." Lately Charlie's been pretty preoccupied with spitting up on himself and watching Backyardigans, so we can't argue with you there Life & Style. Ivana Trump, who has absolutely nothing to do with the Tiger Woods, tells the mag Elin Nordegren should be thankful that the kids are too young to read or watch scandal coverage. As for Elin, she's determined to divorce Tiger, even though Kultida Woods begged her not to. An insider explains, "Tiger's mom is from the old school, where women didn't leave their husbands over indiscretions and didn't take their children from their home... She tried to speak to Elin about keeping the family together, but Elin wasn't receptive at all." So Elin didn't want to turn a blind eye like a good '50s housewife? Shocking. Next: Us Weekly reported that Mickey Rourke is marrying Elena Kuletskaya in April, but they're not even dating. Were you aware that stars are just like us? Diddy is inappropriately obsessed with Jersey Shore too! He says, "I grew up with Italians when I went to school in the Bronx, so I've always been connected to Guidos. I'm saying the word in a positive sense. They're just cool and family-oriented and hilarious!" Be advised: Brad Pitt has gone 233 days without shaving (image 8). In closing, it seems Dr. Mehmet Oz knows the effect spending the holiday with the fam has on us, so he's shared this servicey little guide to curing holiday hangovers: (Image 9).
Grade: D- (Losing the deed to your platinum mine.)

In Touch
"REVENGE PREGNANCY"
For the 8,000th time this year, Angelina got pregnant to trap Brad in their loveless union. She has a "telltale bump" [of fabric] and sources say she's three months pregnant. This is putting a damper on Brad's plans to leave Angie for Jennifer Aniston. They've been hooking up secretly, yet the mag still figured out the exact time and location of their last rendez-vous: December 9 at 3:30pm on a secluded trail off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills. Jen told a friend it was "like their relationship had never ended," but someone from In Touch writes: "She wouldn't reveal whether she and Brad had a romantic encounter," which is apparently how the mag is referring to sex now. Meanwhile, Angie "will do anything to keep Brad around — and that includes planning a huge celebration for Zahara's 5th birthday on January 8, knowing that he would have to attend." Why else would a mother plan a birthday party for her 5-year-old daughter? Also plotting against her man: Britney Spears. She wants Jason Trawick to propose to her for real, not just on the cover of numerous tabloids, so she's been wearing five wedding rings to give him the hint (image 10). In strangely plausible news, In Touch claims that Tiger Woods is still hooking up his mistress Rachel Uchitel (she was on the receiving end of the most romantic of Tiger's dirty texts.) Rachel recently left her New York apartment and headed to Florida. She says she's spending the holidays with relatives, but she's been spotted out and about in the Florida town where Tiger's yacht is docked. A friend says, "They have been sleeping together the entire time since the scandal broke." Check out "Before They Were Famous," a.k.a. stars' original noses (image 11). Also, this may shock you, but Lady Gaga wasn't born wearing a see-through lace body-stocking (image 12). Next: A-Rod has been purposely playing the victim in the press since his breakup with Kate Hudson, and he made sure he was photographed looking glum on the night of the New York premiere of Nine. "His behavior really calls into question how authentic he was in the relationship to begin with," says clinical psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers. Really?! In "Weight Winners and Losers of the Year," we learn that Kelly Clarkson is a "loser" because she's gained weight and "seems more comfortable in her skin now than she was during her midriff-baring days on American Idol." We'll shame you yet, Kelly!
Grade: D (Thinking of all the fellas that you haven't kissed.)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup!"
This is just 10 pages of pre-holiday filler. Without makeup Jessica Simpson "looks like a completely different person," Jennifer Garner "looks like she's neglecting herself," and Kate Gosselin has the "look of exhaustion" all over her face (image 13). We preferred Us's gallery of humiliation, which was presented in one spread without catty commentary. Moving on: Jude Law and Sienna Miller had a pregnancy scare. Jude is such a gentlemen that he allowed Sienna to pee on a stick in his home, but it was a false alarm. A source claims there is a baby on the way for Bruce Willis and his wife Emma Heming. Bruce's rep said he's not aware of a pregnancy, but didn't exactly deny it. FYI: Don't view image 14 if you're eating. Hailey Glassman is dating Celebrity Boxing Federation promoter Damon Feldman, who says, "She's been very friendly. She's very classy." The phrase "Hailey get your pants on!" comes to mind. Obvious Blind item: Which closeted male celeb drew the suspicions of his A-list costar when he was just not that into their love scenes? She'd never met a straight man with no interest in her goods! Kim Kardashian has been looking at engagement rings with Reggie Bush. Her only requirement? That it be bigger that her sister Khloe's nine carat ring. "Khloe beat Kim to the altar, but Kim will beat her with the size of the ring," says a source. Audrina Patridge told her friends that she thinks it's only a matter of time before she gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and they just laughed. One of Bret Michaels' hair extensions fell out while he was recording with Miley Cyrus. She saved the grungy lock and may frame it. In other news, Britney Spears called Kevin Federline in tears to canceled a visit with her boys because Jason Trawick demanded that they spend time together. Brit was so upset that she called off their engagement, which she pushed Jason into in the first place. Tiger Woods' "No. 1 mistress" Rachel Uchitel has been telling friends that she's two weeks late. She told Tiger and an insider says it "it scared the hell out of him" because "Rachel being pregnant could actually make his nightmare a whole lot worse." Rachel has been bragging to friends, saying that she sees having a "cub" with Tiger "as her meal ticket." Jennifer Aniston is still trying to adopt a Mexican baby with Brad Pitt's' help, but Star writes, "in the meantime, she's sowing her wild oats all over Hollywood." The mag claims she's dating Sam Rockwell, Josh Groban, and Josh Hopkins of Cougar Town, who Courteney Cox brought to Jen's holiday party. A source says they exchanged numbers so later "Jen picked up the phone and asked Josh to come to her chili cook-off party." Finally, "Jersey Shore Drug Scandal!" In an interview with her local paper, Jenny "J-WOWW" Farley admits the guys on the show are "heavily into steroids... injecting whatever it could be into their system that will make them bigger and better looking." But, it's much worse than we suspected: The kids are also injecting self-tanner. J-WOWW says the girls take human growth hormone and "they inject tanner into their bodies... just like steroids, to get the perfect color skin. I've seen people go far beyond the extremes that were portrayed on the show."
Grade: D+ (There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas.)

Misery loves company and just like we drowned our bad experiences from Thanksgiving in sorrow stew, we're doing the same thing for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, and any other holiday in December where one is tortured by family.

But this time of year brings it's own special brand of hell. Along with the ache of awful gifts and the pain of disasters in the kitchen, we also get to talk about awkward office party hookups, sloppy secret santas, and all that holiday cheer turned into corrosive, deadly venom. And don't forget that time that drunk Aunt Nora had one too many glasses of egg nog and tried to give Uncle Teddy a BJ in front of the whole family!

I have a Christmas horror story. About six years ago I got to my parents' house a few days before Christmas and I could tell something was wrong with me. For days I was telling my mother (who loves Christmas more than whores love penicillin) that I thought I had appendicitis or something and she kept telling me that I was making it up and to not ruin Christmas. After gifts were exchanged and the holiday meal was finished, I got a horrible shooting pain in my side, like I was the baby Jesus and someone was trying to nail a stake into me. Finally, I forced my mother to take me to the hospital, where they discovered I was passing a kidney stone and it was now too late to do anything about it other than wait through the horrible, blinding, vomit-inducing pain. Luckily, morphine was involved and my mother's punishment was trying drag all six-plus feet of me to the car while I was dosed out of my mind on pain medication.

Now, come on, I know you can do better than that. Leave your best tale of Yuletide woe story in the comments section. We'll decide the winner next week so there is time for everyone to share the fresh trauma that occurs over the weekend. Whoever has the best tale of the worst holiday will win a nice fancy bottle of champagne (Standard Contest Rules apply) so that you can at least enjoy New Year's Eve since your holiday was such a bust.

So go make your list, check it twice (proper spelling, punctuation, capitalization, and such go a long way) and let the airing of grievances commence.