Suddenly the Universe is a very cold and empty place.

• Apparently we are not a nation of people waiting for Amanda Woodward to return to Melrose Place. Heather Locklear's trip back to the series did little to ease its struggles, lifting its gruesome ratings by a mere 15 percent to a 0.8 rating in the 18 - 45 demo. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Meanwhile, just as the world was sending its mocking obituaries to the printers, guess who's having a good week? Jay Leno is up five percent this week, "matching its highest ratings in six weeks." [Hollywood Reporter]

• With two and a half months to go, the Super Bowl's ad space is almost sold out. CBS reports a 90 percent sell-out rate thus far, meaning only six slots are still available. Like everything else these days, Super Bowl ad sales are being viewed as a barometer of the nation's economic health. [Ad Age]

• A Writers Guild report of diversity among its ranks finds "little if any improvement" for the prospects of women and minority writers. Variety writes that the report "found that women scribes remain stuck at 28% of TV employment and 18% in features while the minority share has been frozen at 6% since 1999." [Variety]

• Jennifer Hudson will play Winnie Mandela, the ex-wife of the ex-South African President Nelson Mandela in Winnie, a biopic to be directed by Darrell J. Roodt, maker of Cry the Beloved Country. [Variety]

• Roger Ebert may be off the airwaves, but his influence lives on, remarkably, as the online buzz king. A survey by Nielsen of which critics dominate the internet reveals that Ebert remains a goliath online, crushing all the competition combined. [thehotblog]

• Making 2012's grosses look like the change fallen under the cushions of your sofa, the video game Call of Duty : Modern Warfare 2 reported sales of more than $550 million in the first week of its release. The LA Times puts production costs on the game in the $40 - $50 million range (a fraction of 2012 or Avatar), putting its total budget including marketing somewhere around $200 million. Who's in the wrong business now, movie people? [LA Times]

• Lovely Bones director Peter Jackson told a reporter that, despite his PG-13 rating he had upped the violence in his upcoming film after early test screening audiences "were simply not satisfied" with the depiction of a character's death. [Hitfix]

• Nikki Finke reports that investor Carl Icahn has been snatching up MGM bonds like "A bat out of hell." [Deadline]

• The LA Times reports further on Disney's heroic decision to pull the plug on McG's attempt to America's memories of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea with his remake. The paper writes that execs saw the project, scripted by novelist Michael Chabon as "too dark" and that they will take another stab at it somewhere down the line. [LA Times]

Broadcasting & Cable brings the joyous news: Our long national nightmare may be drawing to a close. If only we can re-open this investigation.

"The evidence in this case strongly suggests that CBS had access to video delay technology at the time of the 2004 Super Bowl," the commission said Tuesday in a brief to the Third Circuit Appeals Court in the Janet Jackson Super Bowl Reveal case. The FCC asked the court to remand the decision back to the FCC so it could investigate further its assertion that the violation was "willful."

If a TV network can fudge answers to a governmental body about the availability of time delay technology in a Super Bowl halftime show and get away with it after just a five year investigation, are we really a nation, at all?

NBC Universal—which runs, among other things, NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, USA Network, Universal Studios, and a bunch of theme parks—pulled in a profit of $391 million in the first quarter of 2009, versus $712 million in the first quarter of the previous year.

It's yet another colossal failure in Zucker's cap: He single-handedly engineered the demise of NBC from first place to fourth; he spent insane amounts of money on the Olympics in Athens and Beijing, which netted great ratings but not enough ad revenue to keep profits growing; he hired a club-kid to run NBC; and he acknowledged defeat last month. But he keeps on keeping his job, maybe because he dazzles and confuses his General Electric boss Jeffrey Immelt with reflections from his exceedingly bald head.

NBC Universal blames the profit drop squarely on the broadcast television unit, which lets it mask poor executive decisions behind the general advertising recession. Yes, local TV advertising is down because nobody is buying cars. But NBC also says that the Super Bowl was a drag on profits:

While NBC aired Super Bowl XLIII to great ratings success, there were significant production costs to air the big game, combined with rights fees paid to the NFL. Those expenses added up to $45 million in the quarter.

"Ratings success" understates it: Super Bowl 43 was the most-watched Super Bowl game in history, and the second-most watched program in the history of television. That's right: NBC Universal is explaining it's poor performance last quarter by saying that it got stuck with broadcasting the No. 2 television broadcast since the medium was invented. Tough luck guys!

Also dragging down profits were expenses relating to the Beijing Olympics, another huge ratings success that, in the normal course of business, ought to mean more money, not less. DVD sales were also down significantly.

On the upside, NBC Universal's cable networks were up 19%, which explains why executives were describing boring old USA this week as the company's "single biggest asset."

E! brings word of Comcast's attempt to smooth out what some might deem a problem, but what we would prefer to call a pleasant (if flaccid) surprise:

In a statement, the cable giant blamed the intrusion on a fiber-optics line operated by Cox Cable and that it was launching its own probe into what it called "an isolated malicious act." Comcast also promised a $10 credit to affected subscribers.

What about us, Comcast? We've watched it, too—and that isn't even counting the damage we've surely incurred from watching Bruce Springsteen's crotch-attack while we unfortunately still had our 3-D glasses on. We will accept our ten dollars in pennies, for the purpose of shenanigans.

• Feds Planning Super Bowl Porn Probe? [E!]

That's not to say there wasn't some vindication in the averaged numbers, which Nielsen revised today to confirm that the game has history's most-watched with 98.5 million viewers. The figures aligned closer with NBC's preliminary estimate, and were accompanied by the network's head of research half-assedly forgiving Nielsen's error. "They are looking into the problem," we're told. "But the final report card is accurate: This Super Bowl is the most-watched program in television history."

Wait, what? Doesn't the final episode of M*A*S*H still hold that distinction with 106 million viewers? Not if you count virtually anyone who watched so much as a few commercials or an instant-review break, which NBC is reportedly doing on the way to claiming a final tally of 151.6 million viewers Sunday night. Way to set a precedent, team — which in turn sets us up for even more creative network revisions and, naturally, a full season order of Knight Rider, which minutes ago we were surprised to learn actually drew 77 million viewers at its peak. And you don't even want to know what a retroactive smash Rosie Live! was. Thanks for nothing, Nielsen.

• Super Bowl update: NBC says game was most-watched ever [EW]

• NBC claims Super Bowl the most-watched event ever [The Live Feed]

Adding his own twist to the now seemingly requisite Super Bowl "did I just see that?" FCC-baiting moment (Janet's exposed breast, Prince's monstrous silhouette, Tom Petty in only chaps giving Full Moon Fever, etc...), Bruce Springsteen slid down a runway at full speed, his momentum stopped by a potentially catastrophic crotch-camera collision.

We were actually tuned into the Puppy Bowl's kitty show at the time, but we were alerted to the Balls in the U.S.A. moment by a text message reading, "Did you just see Bruce Springsteen slide into the camera and facefuck America?" Today, Defamer commenters expressed similar concerns.

In case you missed it, the moment is above, replete with the sound of delighted Super Bowl party guests squealing at the very thought of the Boss's genitals pressed against every TV screen in America like a jar of pickles.

Degree of Difficulty: 5 Execution: 8.7 Anticipation: 9, for the nauseous awareness that Springsteen's crotch is inexorably rocketing our way.

[You Tube]

Yes, Comcast subscribers in the fair Arizona burg were treated to a Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction in the waning moments of the game that offered a gender-reversed spin on Janet Jackson—and how. Naturally, the parents who let their children watch Bowl commercials where Danica Patrick takes a naked lesbian shower are outraged by this terrible, cup-less display of male genitals. Here at Defamer, we're notably more sanguine (hey, we deal with bare wangs—both celebrity and cerulean—for a living).
Execution: 3 Anticipation: 7

• Porn Clip Penetrates Super Bowl Broadcast [TMZ]

The clip (do we even need to mention that it's NSFW?) from ClubJenna, apparently meant to broadcast on the Shorteez channel but instead spliced into KVOA's feed of the football game, is but one of the many porn channels from which Comcast makes a healthy profit. Across the industry, porn accounts for more than a quarter of pay-per-view revenues. Cue a round of handwringing among the media. Comcast customers have better purposes for their hands.

As for the rest, we've selected some of our favorite and least favorite spots below; your additions and subtractions are welcome in the comments.

Best ads

Hulu.com featuring Alec Baldwin. Baldwin knows how to sell the self-snarking: "They say TV will rot your brain. That's absurd. TV only softens your brain — like a ripe banana." Might even redeem the fact that Hulu makes you watch Hulu ads in order to watch Super Bowl ads.

Cash4Gold.com, featuring Ed McMahon and MC Hammer. Here comes the depression, let's laugh at these C-list celebrity stand-ins for the pathetic lifestyle liquidators we will soon become! Ha HA. (Right on the edge of awful, obviously.)

Worst ads

CareerBuilder.com. Because if there's anything worse than listening to screaming and watching a Koala get punched, it's having to do so five or six times.

Pepsi - "Pepsuber." Ben Silverman's secret plan to save NBC is to license everything on the network that people still like. (Yes, we know some of you liked it.)

Doritos - "Crystal Ball." Just randomly violent.

Here's a compilation of the top moments so far. We'll keep updating this post as the game unfolds.

Patraeus coin flip

LA Times contributor Choire Sicha: "The Patraeus coin-tossing jokes just write themselves." Indeed! Former Time columnist Ana Marie Cox: "Apparently David Patraeus overseeing superbowl coin toss but not the Iraq elections." Twitter's "acavert:"K watching Gen Patraeus and the #superbowl coin toss: 'Wow, he sure has a lot of charms on his hat!' Seanwolter: "Thanks Super Bowl! I didnt know Gen Patraeus was such an attractive young man."

Cardinals' 45-yard run

It will be forgotten amid the epic plays below, but this run, followed by a shorter touchdown rush, put the Cardinals firmly in the game early in the second half.

The Intercept

James Harrison's 100-yard intercept return was reportedly the longest in Super Bowl history. Even non-football fans had to stop and take notice of the lead-widening play. This looked easily like the defining moment of the game — until a series of plays in the second half.

The Boss' nasty slide

Were you accidentally slamming your junk into America's face, Bruce Springsteen? Or did you simply find Prince's infamously phallic 2007 halftime show way too subtle?

Cardinals comeback

A Steelers endzone foul resulted in a safety against the then-leading team, setting up the Cardinals for this touchdown play just a few downs later by wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald. This would have marked the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history (13 points), NBC told us, if not for...

Steelers comeback

After something like 78 yards over the course of eight downs, the Steelers were 2nd and Goal when Santonio Holmes caught a seven-yard touchdown pass in the very corner of the endzone. The cameras were sure to catch Fitzgerald's exclamations of "no no no" as this was happening.

In the best, most entertaining possible way.

Josh Stein tracked down some fan pics on Flickr earlier; Getty Images recently dumped the pics below into its database.

If you spot any particularly nutty ones during the game, add them in the comments.

(All pics via Getty)

Send your photos to tips@gawker.com!

Too Close Shot of Steeler Fan's Bellybutton


Sad Steeler Cupcakes


A Super Fun Superbowl Party


Steeler Fans Wearing Insulated Yellow and Black Thermal Camo in Tampa Bay

The Lone Steiler Fan

Preparing this list it occurs to me, though the theory isn't fully formed as you can see, that Superbowl commercials form a neat arc. Starting in the 1970s, the ads were brazenly and unironically sexy. This overt sexiness carried over into the 80s where commercials often included famous football players. The player involvement and sexytime boob shot flagged in the early nineties. By 1998, ad teams had come up with a new trope: silly anthropomorphized animals.Lizards, raccoons, horses, a menagerie of beasts. By 1998, there was a preponderance of silly creatures. Starting in the aughts, these silly animals themselves were replaced by overt sexiness though this time the boobs were accompanied by a self-knowing wink. This brings us to today, when boobs and winks are used to sell the majority of products. As Hamilton Nolan noted on Friday this seems to be the season of the hard sell. Winking has turned into blinking which has morphed into squeezing ones eyes so tight the frigid economic apocalypse isn't let in at all.

Let Noxema Cream Your Face
Talky sex puppet Farah Fawcett creams all over Joe Namath's face during SUperbowl VII in 1973.

Miller Light
In 1980, MIller LIght ran a series of ads featuring Colts QB Bert Jones and Steelers lineman LC Greenwood in a series of epistolary encounters not dissimilar to Griffin & Sabine.

GM Robot
Wall-E meets that Pixar lamp meets Brazil and the Industrial Revolution. 2007

Pepsi P. Diddy
Pepsi plays on the idea that P. Diddy is such a sell-out that he would produce a rap song featuring a can of soda pop. And—and here is the real stroke of genius—P. Diddy is such a sell out that he actually does end up producing a rap song featuing a can of soda pop. Fuck you, Pepsi.

PETA Veggie Love
There is a lot of hullabaloo surrounding this ad which was rejected by NBC for broadcast during the afternoon's game. Whilst I disagree with NBC's reasong (they claimed it was too sexy) I do think this ad is genuinely horrible. A girl shoving a stalk of broccoli up her cooter doesn't make me want to stop eating meat even a little. So you thought this was a best of list but it's not really because this ad is blech.

Angels and Demons: Having never seen or read The DaVinci Code, we're really not sure what to expect from its sequel. Apparently it involves half-angel/half-demon gargoyles and the word ILLUMINATI, which can be read the same way upside down and looks like something a Suicidal Tendencies fan would have tattooed along his upper back. A few quick flashes of a crucifix branding iron, Ewan McGregor, and a helicopter didn't do much else to tell us what was going on or why we'd want to see this. Scary music though! That choir is clearly trying to tell us something. Turn around, Tom Hanks! The Statue of David is about to stab you!
Execution: 4 Anticipation: 3

Land of the Lost: The crack synergisticists at NBC Universal have done it again, making The Today Show's Matt Lauer a key figure in Land of the Lost. We get a brief glimpse at Cha-Ka and some Sleestaks, Will Ferrell screams a lot and acts wacky. This turns out pretty much exactly how we imagined it would.
Execution: 5 Anticipation: 4

The Year One is the first project written and directed by Harold Ramis since 2002's Analyze That, so it's arriving with high hopes. After watching this two minute scene, we're having trouble honing in on what tone they're going for. The laughs are pretty broad, the language is modern, the performances a little too relaxed. Michael Cera is basically playing George Michael in a caveman outfit; then David Cross and Paul Rudd show up saying they're Cain and Abel (which kind of threw us. Which story are they telling, exactly?) Still, we respect the ballsiness of choosing one simple scene and not bombarding us with every funny line in the movie squeezed into a 30-second spot. (Though we're sure that's coming.) We're cautiously optimistic.
Execution: 4 Anticipation: 6

Star Trek: A vast improvement over the first trailer, we lost a lot of the cheesy dialogue but still get Bruce Greenwood telling a young Kirk, "I dare you to do better." ("I don't know—maybe endorse an internet travel site, or start a YouTube show where you can complain about how John Cho didn't invite you to his gay wedding.") We even meet young Bones, who looks as though he's about to utter his first "Dammit, Jim."
Execution: 8 Anticipation: 8

Fast and Furious 4: With a subtly backhanded tagline ("New Model, Original Parts"), this is probably the most brainless offering, and yet we want to see it. Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez: the gang's all here. And with about six words spoken in the entire spot, it still kind of thrills us that Walker can make his three sound wooden.
Execution: 7 Anticipation: 7

Transformers: Rise Return Revenge of the Fallen: Holy crap, that looks awesome. We bow down before the Bay.
Execution: 10 Anticipation: 9

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: We're still convinced this movie was made by France-hating eight-year-olds. No sign of The Doctor™—he must be at one of those latex breath-control fetish parties.
Execution: 4 Anticipation: 4

Up: After the next-level shit going on in Wall-E, it's hard to get excited about a crotchety old man floating around underneath thousands of helium balloons as the annoying kid next door drops the GPS system for comic relief. Still, this is PIXAR, so we're prepared to be dazzled once that house touches down somewhere interesting.
Execution: 8 Anticipation: 7

Monsters vs. Aliens: That material as done-to-death as this still managed to make us smile a few times (there's some nice Dr. Strangelove touches in there) bodes well, though the "lovable monster misfit" thing just feels so tired to us. But don't listen to us. This will make a gazillion dollars.
Execution: 8 Anticipation: 6

Laugh all you want (we're right there with you), but hey — it worked. Follow the jump to read why.

"The airing of scripted indecency or indecent material in prerecorded programming would likely show recklessness, or may even constitute evidence of actual knowledge or intent," the judges wrote. "But when unscripted indecent material occurs during a live or spontaneous broadcast, as it did here, the FCC should show that the broadcaster was, at minimum, reckless in causing the indecent material to be transmitted over public airwaves."

The FCC argued that CBS was reckless in allowing the incident to occur. But the judges sided with CBS, which had argued the incident was unscripted and that the network had tried to prevent it by having "numerous script reviews and revisions" and "several wardrobe checks" and by implementing a five-second audio delay of the broadcast. CBS said video delay technology was not available at the time.

The best part of the judgment, though? As neither Jackson nor Timberlake are CBS employees, the network isn't responsible for their actions, premeditated or otherwise. And suddenly, we can't wait to see what a salivating Rupert Murdoch pulls out of his sleeve for Super Bowl XLIII next February; if this decision wasn't an engraved invitation to stage The Moment of Truth — Halftime Stripper Edition, then we don't know what would be.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Court tosses FCC 'wardrobe malfunction' fine [LAT]

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