Last night, Coldplay released their new song “Adventure of a Lifetime.” Let’s all agree that this song is 100 percent about having sex with a young movie actress immediately after your divorce.
EDM Ken-doll and Taylor Swift consort Calvin Harris was seen leaving a Thai massage parlor on Sunset Boulevard earlier this week, after spending two hours inside. Radar reported the spot Harris visited received raves on Yelp as the best “happy ending” spot in town, conjuring visions of a normal human man casting about for relief from his obligations to an exquisite celebrity android. But when it comes to professional handjobs, there are more reliable sources than Yelp, and, apparently, more reliable massage parlors than In Thai Spa.
If you see one film about a woman who can only orgasm when she sees her husband weeping, see Australian writer/director/actor Josh Lawson’s The Little Death. The anthology film intertwines stories about five fetishes—rape fantasy, role play, dacryphilia (arousal by crying), somnophilia (arousal by a person who is sleeping), and telephone scatologia (arousal from obscene phone calls)—in a playful, often hilarious manner. The scenarios tease out absurdity with cleverness (isn’t a rape fantasy a paradox, after all?). It all culminates with the knock-out final segment, “Sam & Monica,” in which a deaf man uses a Skype sign language interpretation service to call a phone-sex line. The three-way call segment is one of the most brilliant pieces of short-form filmmaking that I’ve ever seen.
Here is a photo of Taylor Swift and her new “beau,” the DJ Calvin Harris, enjoying a pool day and doing fun-but-ultimately-restricted poses for the camera. Do these two people like having sex (together), or do they LOVE having sex (together)? If you said yes to either, I’m sure this “hot couple” appreciates your faith.
In our post-Snowden era, the importance of safeguarding our cyber-connected devices against triflin’ eyes has never been more clear, or more urgent. Just ask permanent musical teen and avid sex practitioner Bow Wow, who’s just shared a handy guide for avoiding computerized surveillance while fucking one’s fans.