• Twilight star Robert Pattinson hates New York and its deranged women. He's been whining constantly about it while working on a film in the city and can't wait to get back to him mommy in London. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Lady Gaga groped her boobs and stripped down to show off her ample bottom at a gay club in London over the gay pride weekend. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Transformers director Michael Bay says that Megan Fox has "a lot of growing up to do." Bay went on to say that "nobody in the world knew about Megan Fox until I found her" and also claimed credit for turning Nick Cage, Will Smith and Ben Affleck into big stars. Team Megan! [Daily News]
  
  
• Josh Duhamel says that he and Fergie were given a stripper pole as a wedding gift, but that he actually plays around on it more than she does. And oh yeah, he's an ass man. [Page Six]
  
  
• Russell Crowe just can't stop being a prick. He was in attendance at yesterday's epic Wimbledon final between Andy Roddick and Roger Federer when he decided that he wasn't happy with his seat. He saw a better one that was open closer to the court and tried to move down into it. This did not go over well with the ushers working the event. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Oh snap! Chris Brown is hooking up with Kanye West's ex, Amber Rose. The burning question now is who will go all Suge Knight on Chris Brown first—Jay-Z or Kanye? [Daily News]
  
  
• Rihanna attended a 4th of July celebration in Vegas wearing a loose jacket that exposed "silver sequinned nipple petals" on her breasts. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Totally old Entourage actress Carla Gugino says that Hollywood is an ageist town. Yeah, I know, quite shocking, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love recently trashed a hotel room. Now employees at the hotel are saying that the room was "littered with needles and used feminine hygiene products." [Sun]
  
  
• Former Incredible Hulk star Lou Ferrigno says that the stress of being $400 million in debt is what killed Michael Jackson. [UK Mirror]

• Lindsay Lohan's obsessive stalking of Samantha Ronson throughout Europe seems to have worked. Ronson appears to have caved to Li-Lo's insanity out of fear for her life or something, as they were spotted spending the day together in Los Angeles after a Lohan tweet hinted that they may be back togther. [Sun]
  
  
• Things are getting ugly between Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott on the set of their Robin Hood flick. Allegedly producers are having to fly in to make peace between the two, who have refused to speak to each other at times. Russell Crowe also so showed up fat to play Robin Hood at the start of filming, something that didn't please Scott and the producers, who forced Crowe to go on a crash diet to lose 35 lbs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anne Hathaway thinks she's ready for the bright lights of Broadway and is set to play Judy Garland in the the upcoming musical, Get Happy, The Life of Judy Garland. [Daily News]
  
  
• Here's a shocker—NBC is vigorously denying the Speidi torture allegations, basically saying that everything Heidi and Spencer have claimed is a load of crap. Again, shocking. [Daily News]
  
  
• Susan Boyle has reclaimed her sanity with the help of her cat "Pebbles" and is ready to start rehearsing for the Britain's Got Talent tour. [Mirror]
  
  
• This whole Jon and Kate thing is already beyond ridiculous, but it only grows more so by the day—Authorities with the Pennsylvania Humane Society were called on to investigate whether or not the Gosselin's dogs had been abused by the family. [Dlisted]
  
  
• Chris Brown has taken to surrounding himself with burly bodyguards whenever he makes public appearances out of fear that someone will seek retaliation for his beating of Rihanna. [Page Six]
  
  
• Simon Cowell is on the verge of nailing down a deal to produce a remake of Saturday Night Fever, with Zac Efron set to star as the character played by John Travolta in the original. [Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Bensimon of Real Housewives of New York was cleared of assault charges after the dude she allegedly beat up failed to show up in court. [EOnline]

• Yes, it is true! I am working on a Saturday. And Britney is somehow jealous of the woman, a 6 foot tall she-beast named Victoria Prince, who is dating her whiskery little back-up dancer/Portugese rapper ex-hubby. What the boys can really tell her given their age, Ricardo Montalban is 3 and Diamond Walnuts is 2, is sort of beyond me. [Showbiz Spy]
• Kanye West, the rapper chiseled by God Himself from His finest onyx, would like less fans. Because he wants to be freer or something. OK. Easy enough. [Showbiz Spy]
• Russell Crowe was "so old and fat" and Sienna Miller "so young and gorgeous" that she had to drop out of their film Nottingham because their love scenes would look silly. Sounds like Crowe's been saying "Yessing, ham!" to me. Apologies for that! [P6]
• Nicole Kidman is as ashamed of Australia as everyone else should be. Plus her face is all fucked up!!11! [P6]
• Ryan Seacrest wants us to believe that he's boning some Playboy model, as they were spotted recently canoodling at a restaurant in St. Bart's. Later that evening they returned to their hotel room, flopped down on their beds, ordered ice cream from room service, and stayed up way too late watching the second half of Syndey White and reruns of Two-a-Days, squealing every time Ross came on screen. [P6]
• Debbie Harry got old because that's how life works but now she somehow isn't old again! How did she do it??? [TMZ]
• Ew. Gross. Joey Fatone went to the AVN porn awards in Las Vegas. Ew. Gross. Joey Fatone has a penis. [TMZ]

Brolin was at the Palm Springs Film Festival last night, where he attended yet another fete honoring Sean Penn's performance in Milk. Sadly not invited to encore the tipsy range of fraternal sensitivity — with Penn on the "amazing" end and Crowe on the "asshole" extreme — reporters instead cornered Brolin offstage for a clarification:

Realizing he shouldn't have joked like that about a respected actor, Brolin later blamed it on the booze. He admitted to the film critics audience that he'd been drinking earlier that night. [...] Brolin was on his best behavior last night. When asked about the Crowe comment, Brolin told reporters, "It was the ambiance of the room. I love him. I think he’s amazing. He’s a friend. I was bummed out when I saw that today."

Maybe it was ambiance, maybe it was six or seven glasses of ambiance, we'll never know. But to the uncanny extent Brolin could channel that ambiance for his aggrieved character in Milk ("I'm Dan White! I have issues! *burp*"), we'll take his word for it. This man is a professional.

• Josh Brolin Regrets Russell Crowe Comments [Hollyscoop]

We're just glad to hear it's still technically alive after months' worth of starts and stops, but never more glad than we were this morning to hear that the behind-the-scenes drama has achieved thrilling new levels of acrimony. Reports today have Universal and Imagine eyeing a March starting date for the revisionist Robin Hood drama, if only long-time collaborators Crowe and Scott were getting along:

Sources say Crowe blames Scott for the disastrous drubbing their fourth collaboration, Body of Lies, received from critics and at the box office last summer, and no longer wants to work with the British director.

"Ridley is the only one who is willing to stand up to Russell and tell him he's too fat and that he can't show up four hours late to the set," said one source. "He [Russell] wants someone he can control."

The actor and director share an agent at William Morris, a representative for whom denied any such edicts or prerequisites for Crowe, who hasn't had a hit with Scott since Gladiator in 2000. But it would seem a reasonable split under the circumstances, with Crowe already having succumbed to Imagine's trainer-to-the-stars and Scott surely having better things to do than bump around the forest for two months with a drama magnet who can't even open a movie. But enough about Sienna Miller. Maybe it is time for a change after all; Ron Howard seems a close, innocuous friend of all involved, with friendlier, Cinderella Man-era euphemisms like, "Let's do that one again, but slimmer" and, "Rice cake, Russell — I mean, nice take, Russell" coaxed Crowe into fighting trim without the old-school taskmastering.

• DIRECTOR STRESSES OUT CROWE [NYP]

• Madonna is supposedly getting "ficando" in Rio with a Brazilian model named Jesus. This means they can get it on with no strings attached while sad stupid Alex Rodriguez quietly studies Kabbalah or whatever. [Sun]
• Go ahead and hide behind your secret shops and unmarked bags, rich plutocrats. Bruce Springsteen isn't ashamed to shop at Barney's, head held high, like a proper, blue-collar rich person. [P6]
• Sorry poors, but the economic implosion is working out great for Mary-Kate Olsen. "That's where I got this! The recession!" [P6]
• This can't be a real picture of Katie Holmes looking "worryingly pale and tired" as she burns out on Broadway raising her kids while acting in her play. [Mirror]
• Penelope Cruz was late for a London screening of "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." Then she ran to her suite to change, so Havey Weinstein yelled, "Tell her to get her f***ing ass here right now!" [Mirror]
• Russell Crowe is fighting with Ridley Scott, on a movie set, over being told "'he's too fat and that he can't show up four hours late." [P6]
• These topless pictures of Amy Winehouse are not as disturbing as you might think. She's put on some needed weight. And does not appear high! [Daily Mail NSFW]
• Actor Fisher Stevens will totally vouch for Jeremy Piven on the mercury poisoning thing. He had it, until he cut back to only "small fish." [P6]

Warners may be the only studio that hasn't yet had its big Iraq-themed clusterfuck; that time appears to have arrived. (Its defunct subsidiary Warner Independent bungled the underrated In the Valley of Elah to a $1.5 million wide release last September, just one of the misfires that cost the mini-major its life.) Universal only opened with $17.1 million for last year's The Kingdom, and Paramount saw Stop-Loss die quickly this past spring, earning almost half of its $11 million total gross in the first week of release. So if Iraq and the war on terror aren't over yet as Hollywood themes, they probably will be when Monday rolls around.

Critics aren't digging it either, but maybe even more importantly: Has Leonardo DiCaprio ever seemed more out-of-place than the Body trailers and TV spots?

It's worse than Blood Diamond, and we're facing it again with the upcoming Revolutionary Road. Audiences see more punchline than pedigree. From Warners to the White House, would you really entrust any matter of national security to this man? We'll have our own bold, pinpoint predictions about Body's fate in tomorrow's Defamer Attractions column, but for now, better safe than sorry, Warners: Watch out for chihuahuas.

Boomp3.com

At the premiere of Body Of Lies, Russell Crowe was shocked to hear that one of the reporters on the red carpet was not a fan of cheese. The rough and tumble Aussie actor couldn’t believe that the reporter did not enjoy one of the finest things in life. Crowe said, “Perhaps, this woman has been given the wrong cheese and maybe I’m the person to teach her about the ways of proper cheese consumption. I love CHEESE! Give me a nice slice of Havarti and a beautiful Bordeaux and I’m as tame as a baby kitten.”

[Photo Credit: WENN]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Hip Hop aficionado and dolphin short enthusiast Russell Crowe took to the rough and tumble streets of Beverly Hills to pick up the latest mix CD from his favorite rapper, Supa Soaker. The Body Of Lies star asked Supa Soaker if he sells his mix tapes and CDs on line as a direct digital download. Crowe believed it would increase Soaker’s audience and it would be a lot easier to put onto his iPod. Crowe said, “Mr. Soaker and myself know that Beverly Hills is full of hardcore hip hop fans, but I believe he’s limiting his commercial appeal by focusing primarily in this area. Now, if he was on MySpace or the Friend Book, he might have more fans.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

"It was eight years ago, and I find it unbelievable that Meg continues publicly to rehash and rewrite the story of our relationship," the actor tells us exclusively. "Also, I find it regrettable that our son, Jack, has to be reminded in a public way of the turmoil and pain that every child feels in a divorce."

Quaid, who went on to marry real estate agent Kimberly Buffington and have twins last November, adds: "I, myself, moved on years ago and am fortunate to have a happy, beautiful family."

Why, is that a thinly veiled shot at Meg and her lovely adopted daughter, Oprah Winfrey Ryan? Be careful, Dennis: you can shut her down in the press all you want, but Meg Ryan will never be afraid to give you some lip (after all, she's got plenty to spare).

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Dennis Quaid says Meg Ryan's beef over divorce is 'unbelievable' [NY Daily News]

But she tells the new issue of InStyle (excerpted by Entertainment Tonight), "Dennis was not faithful to me for a very long time, and that was very painful.

"I found out more about that after I was divorced," she adds.

Of Crowe, she says: “I think he took a big hit. But Russell didn’t break up the marriage. He was definitely there at the end, but it wasn’t his fault. I was a mess. I hurt him too at the end. I couldn’t be in another long relationship, it wasn’t the time for that. So I got out.”

She continues, "My time as a scarlet woman was really interesting. As painful as it was, it was also incredible liberating. Now I was utterly free. I didn’t have to care about what people thought."

Now that Ryan has injected life into a long-dormant story with these new, lip-smacking details, we await rebuttals from Quaid and Crowe. In the meantime, like something that was once thin that has become surprisingly full, our impression of Ryan has expanded to include these new revelations. Who knew that America's Sweetheart could OH MY GOD MEG STOP. STOP DOING THAT TO YOUR LIPS. JUST STOP, PLEASE. LOVE, DEFAMER.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Meg Ryan: Dennis Quaid "Not Faithful to Me for a Very Long Time" [Us]

Boomp3.com

Master thespian Russell Crowe took to the mean streets of Sydney to research for his latest role: Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute. The exhaustive research Crowe routinely performs for his role has become a therapeutic process for the actor but, for this part, it's also a lot of fun. Crowe said, "I just get to hang out on the corner in the fresh air and putting my finger firmly on the pulse of the city. Sydney is definitely a city of Lil' Wayne fans and people who don't have the good taste to stop when they see a fine piece like me on the street." Crowe then went to great lengths to make the comparison between the constant feelings of rejection that actors and streetwalkers both face. Crowe said, "You have to the thickest skin around to make it in both of these industries, I'll tell you that much."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Keep in mind this is the same script Universal bought more than a year ago for seven figures, piling on none-too-cheap rewrites by Brian Helgeland and now, according to Patrick Goldstein, British playwright Paul Webb. But that's the least of his problems, said Uni chair Marc Shmuger:

The original script had enormous appeal because it had what Hollywood craves—a great part for a big movie star. But it wasn't exactly the kind of character Scott imagined for his vision of Sherwood Forest. "The script had the sheriff of Nottingham as a CSI-style forensics investigator, set in medieval times," Shmuger explains. "It was really well written, but Ridley's interest took him in a different direction." ...

The delay could help on one front. Crowe, who has looked, shall we say, like he's been feasting on the king's venison in recent films, needs to lose some weight before he's ready to play such an athletic part. (After all, he's not playing Friar Tuck in this movie.) As encouragement, the production team plans to send Joe Abunassar, a top Las Vegas-based trainer who works with NBA stars, to Australia to get Crowe into fighting shape.

So old-fashioned! Everyone knows the Seth Rogen Stretch-and-Retch is the wave of the future. In any event, Shmuger confirms the studio still wants Nottingham, but all signs point to a mid- to late-2009 shoot for a 2010 release, which we take to mean that the U and Nottingham producer Brian Grazer should default to Ron Howard by the time you finish reading this. Alas, Ridley, you were close.

• 'Nottingham': Will Russell Crowe ever romp in Sherwood Forest? [LAT]

Russell Crowe for The Insider
Also playing some sort of regular schlub whistle-blower, Crowe went up to 220lbs to look more convincingly close to his real-life character's age. Crowe was praised to the high heavens for his "brave transformation" and an Oscar nomination followed.

Ryan Gosling for The Lovely Bones
The talented young actor perhaps wanted to a look a bit older for his role as an angelic young murdered girl's father. So he bulked up a couple pants sizes and then... well, then he left the movie over creative differences. Oops! At least he got to eat doughnuts or whatever for a while.

Jared Leto in Chapter 27
The My So-Called Life actor gained a staggering 60 pounds to play John Lennon assassin Mark David Chapman, developing gout (the disease of kings of old!) during the process. Sadly, the film was not well received and fizzled quickly. At least he has a great gout story now. It beats my rickets tale to all hell.

George Clooney in Syriana
Our modern-day Frank Sinatra gained 30 pounds to play a disillusioned CIA operative in Stephen Gaghan's Traffic-like portrait of the oil trade. Clooney won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for the performance, many critics citing the way he completely "disappeared into the role."

Sylvester Stallone in Copland
Rocky Balboa gained about 40lbs to play a sad-sack New Jersey policeman in this quiet thriller that was meant to revive his acting career. While Stallone and the movie were both quite good, they went mostly unnoticed and disappeared into film history. Stallone since bulked back up and recently played a 60-year-old John Rambo.

Robert De Niro in Raging Bull
To play the aged Jake LaMotta, the famously intense actor gained a whopping sixty pounds. Obviously the movie was met with resounding critical laudits and set De Niro on the course for super stardom, his intense Method-y persona intact.

Vincent D'Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket and The Salton Sea
The intense and weird Law & Order: Criminal Intent gained a mind-boggling 80 pounds to play an overweight private in Stanley Kubrick's Vietnam nightmare Full Metal Jacket, then, years later, fattened himself up to play a gross drug dealer in the recent depress-o-fest Salton Sea. D'Onofrio got a big break with Metal Jacket and now works steadily, weight gain or not.
[Damon image via Splash]

• Cop-slugging reporter Alycia Lane sued her former employer, saying the Philly TV station pushed her into an embarassing Dr. Phil interview, as though there is any other kind. [AP]
• Someone wrote an entire song about the night he, then a bartender, punched a rude Russell Crowe in the face. Crowe's flack artfully said Crowe may not "know anything about" the incident, except that it's not true. Convincing. [P6]
• Mike Myers is supposedly some sort of tyrant who demands that Late Night With Conan O'Brien interns fetch him Twizzlers, raspberry seltzer and soy milk. That's a joke, right? You can't be a non-child-star tyrant with that list of demands. [P6]
• Toby Young doesn't think his former Vanity Fair boss Graydon Carter will give any magazine love to Young's Carter-slamming movie. [YoungManhattanite via P6]
• Town & Country magazine just loves this little place in Ireland run by a kiddie porn collector. [P6]
• Britney Spears's 17-year-old sister Jamie-Lynn gave birth to a baby girl, Maddie Briann, not via c-section, in case you were wondering.
• The issue of Vanity Fair with 15-year-old Miley Cyrus' scandalous photo shoot is hot in prisons acorss the country, so Cyrus has been deluged with thousands of, uh, supportive letters. According to HollyScoop, "that's what ya get for posing half naked." Yes, she deserves to be hounded by horny felons. [HollyScoop]
• Katie Holmes sent a $2,000 "congrats-on-getting-knocked-up-ps-help-I'm-being-held-prisoner" gift basket to her husband Tom Cruise's ex-wife, Nicole Kidman. [OK!]

"I just found out," Miller, 26, tells the BBC. "It's the most exciting news in the world."

This isn't any old Robin romp: This time in Sherwood Forrest, the usually villainous sheriff is due to be portrayed as heroic, while Robin - traditionally known for nobly stealing from the rich to give to the poor - is not. ...

Casting for the Hood has yet to be announced.

We were under the impression that "revisionist" simply meant Grazer and Scott may splurge on a dialect coach for this version, thus avoiding the dodgy English accents that torpedoed Kevin Costner's mullet-hero stab at Robin Hood in 1992. Instead, look for the crafty filmmaker circumvent both the old myth and a near-certain SAG-strike hangover by simply hiring Denzel Washington, tweaking a few lines from the American Gangster script, jamming everyone in the forest for eight weeks and letting the testosterone do the rest. He's not Ridley Scott for nothing.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Sienna Miller to Star in New Twist on Robin Hood [People]

"I thought there was a seven-second delay," Rivers told MediaGuardian.co.uk. "They earlier showed a picture of a man with an obvious erection under his coat so I thought it would be all right."

"I have won an Emmy, been nominated for a Tony award, done every show and become an icon and when people ask me what is left in my career I have always said I don't know, but I have never been forcibly thrown out of a TV studio. It is another milestone," she added.

However, Rivers said she would still appear on the show again. "In a second. But they didn't give me my goody bag, which I am very upset about," she added.

The full, uncensored outburst is above. (We also enjoyed the nervous denouement, particularly when one co-host awkwardly attempts to move things along to the next topic.) And while Rivers expressed incredulity that the comments elicited hundreds of angry complaints from viewers, when she was shown one e-mail from a mother-of-three from Leeds who was "gob-smacked when that gormless woofter Rivers whinged with 'er grotty loo-mouth on me telly!" she realized just how easily offended they can be on the other side of the pond.

• Joan Rivers thrown off Loose Women for Russell Crowe outburst [Guardian]

Meg Ryan appeared on the special issue's third cover, following Jodie Foster and Cindy Crawford, in 1994. Happily married to Dennis Quaid and still enjoying that whole America's Sweetheart phase, Ryan was a natural choice. But as we all know, five years later Ryan entered an affair with Proof Of Life co-star Russell Crowe, which led to divorce, trout pout and making dirty movies. Oops. As for Mel Gibson, People's 1996 cover star, beauty gradually descended into bigotry and all kinds of sugar tit-laden anti-Semitic madness we just don't even feel like discussing in detail at the moment.

The very next year, none other than Tom Cruise and his uber-serious mug graced the cover. Officially adored by the world after appearing in Jerry Maguire the year before, Cruise was still married to Nicole and every woman in the country felt that Cruise truly "completed" them. But after hiring a divorce lawyer, a beard (in the form of Penelope Cruz), and a new wife, Cruise's beauty is now only recognized by those with OT-V clearance and above. And finally, 2004's issue featured a blissfully married Jennifer Aniston, who sadly spent most of her interview "laugh[ing] off speculation of then-husband Brad Pitt's rumored romance with Mr. & Mrs. Smith costar Angelina Jolie." Again, oops.

[Photo credits: People.com]

• KATE HUDSON IS PEOPLE'S MOST BEAUTIFUL COVER GIRL [People]

boomp3.com

Academy Award winner Russell Crowe decided to turn the tables on the paparazzi Tuesday afternoon after years of being on the other side of the camera. Yet after taking a few pictures of the dudes from TMZ and X17, Crowe became bored. That is, until Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt walked by and joined in on the snap session. After the demonic reality stars disappeared into a store, Crowe told one of his fellow photographers that he hadn't felt this alive since the birth of his children and now understands why they spend all those long nights in garbage dumps.

[Photo Credit: X17]

In today's installment: Russell Crowe, Drew Barrymore, Kiefer Sutherland, Teri Hatcher, Matthew Perry, Chris "Mr. Big" Noth, Chrissie Hynde, Jemaine "Flight Of The Conchords" Clement, Mindy Kaling, Samantha Mathis (with Keith Carradine!), Werner Herzog, Dax Shepard (with Bradley Cooper!), Cedric Yarbrough and Professor Cornell West.

APRIL 10
· Another Matthew Perry Trivia sighting at Barney's Beanery in Pasadena on Thursday. His team of 4, "Dos Dedos", only contained one dressed-up young lady this time, and most likely took first right in front of the antagonistically-named "Bing's Bingers". I say "most likely" because I left before they announced my losing score...

APRIL 11
· Standing in line with all the middle aged punkers at the X reunion show at the Henry Fonda Theatre was Chrissie Hynde...She looked great and didn't look like she's had any work done...couldn't believe she had to wait in line with the rest of us!

APRIL 12
· Drew Barrymore was at the Derby Dolls roller derby on Saturday night April 12th. Here is some photographic evidence.

· I was having lunch at Cafe '50's in Sherman Oaks around 1pm. I couldn't help but notice that every 10 minutes or so, a group of girls ages 7-12 (?) wearing colored bandanas (different colored than the last group, not different colored from each other) with an assigned parent or guardian would come in and have their photo taken by the jukebox (I heard one mother saying it was a scavenger hunt). After 2 or so waves of bandana-wearing tots, Teri Hatcher came in leading the Pink Bandana group. She wasn't wearing much makeup and politely asked for the someone to take the group's photo (that's a switch) by the jukebox. Then they were off, presumably to find 12 bottlecaps or some such that was next on the scavenger list.

APRIL 13
· Russell Crowe with his wife and boys strolling around the Century City mall on Sunday afternoon. They looked like every other family suffering from heat exhaustion.

· Mindy Kaling from The Office having a brunch at Joan's on Third. Met up with some (nonfamous) friends, looked cute and casual, drives an adorable Mini Cooper.

APRIL 14
· Samantha Mathis and Keith Carradine (don't think they were together but stranger pairings have happened in this town) at the Arclight on Monday night. I assume they were there for the special screening that little me wasn't invited to because I didn't see them at my screening of The Visitor. Just before the movie, as I was exiting the ladies room I passed Carradine entering the men's room undoing his pants several feet before the doorway. Note to guys: ick.

· Today at approx. 5:00 PM at the Starbucks in Dana Point, Chris Noth and his girlfriend walked into my Starbucks and ordered a drink. Chris ordered a Chai Tea Latte and his girlfriend had a chop chop pasta salad. They were not with the baby. His girlfriend seemed very very nice. She actually asked for a fork from me and I told her where they were but we were out so I went to the back to get some and brought back one to her and handed it to her and she said thank you and was very nice about it. However, Chris was sort of a dick. Not really a dick to me but a total dick to his girlfriend. Anyways, I thought this was a notable celebrity sighting..

APRIL 16
· could have sworn i saw Jack Bauer at Dan's Subs in the Valley. He even had the arm tats, looked great clean shaven ...he was not with the woman from ny. He had his arm wrapped around a different raven haven hair chic. Much more busty and shorter. at one point he called her Janet (or maybe Janice). He was very happy and relaxed.

· Today at the Koo Koo Roo on Wilshire I saw Cedric Yarbrough, Jonesie from Reno 911. He was hanging out by himself eating lunch listening to something on his earphones. I don't want to say anything bad about him being there or being lame or anything like that because I LOVE Reno 911 and my boyfriend doesn't, so there.

· Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords waiting to cross Los Feliz Boulevard at Hillhurst. Had to look twice because, although that block of the street is not so lousy with hipsters, Clement was blending in with his surroundings. Is he staying in one of the big-ass apartment buildings on the north side of Los Feliz?

APRIL 17
· Saw Werner Herzog at Hollywood Video on Westwood Blvd. ask the clerk if they had a used copy of 'Jungle 2 Jungle' on VHS. [Ed. Note - Really?]

APRIL 18
· Odd couple Dax Shepard & Bradley Cooper (Nip/Tuck, Wedding Crashers) at Katsuya in Studio City.

APRIL 19
· Toast on 3rd Street, today. Was putting my name on the host's list, when I saw an older man in a black suit out of the corner of my eye. I told my friend, "Huh, that orthodox dude looks like Cornell West." And It WAS Cornell West! He was having lunch with a more casually attired Tavis Smiley. The PBS whore in me was totally freaking out.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

If you saw the preview for The Insider, you pretty much know what most of Body of Lies will be like. It's men under intense pressure shouting at each other over cell phones, usually beginning their speeches with some variant on "Don't fuck with me!" Russell Crowe smugly lectures Leo for most of the movie in speeches like this: "This is the New Model Al Quaeda. [sic] These are the new evolved analog cockroaches. They got in place and waited. This is war. This is not Osama got Lucky on his flying fucking carpet."

The testoster-ensemble is mitigated by agent DiCaprio's naggingly "nymphomaniac" wife back in the States (played by Black Book siren Carice van Houten) and a mysterious "French aid worker" whose vagina apparently doubles as a launching pad for Leo's tender character arc. And while we've stood by Scott through even his most banal transgressions (this story kind of reminds us of Legend, in fact, but without the unicorn), we're a bit nervous about the 70-year-old's chances of finally breaking his awards-season drought with what amounts to a well-tailored Departed Redux. Worse yet, we expect most viewers would agree that the world needs another war-on-terror film like we need Dune re-made by Peter Berg. Wait, what's that? Oh, fuck.

[Photo Credit: Estrenoblog]

• Advance Script Review: Body of Lies [CC2K]

5. Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett: After only three weeks of courtship following their first meeting on the set of The Player, the crooner managed to tie the knot with the Pretty Woman. But all the flack Julia received for falling in the sack with such an odd-looking, unknown duck wasn't the least bit worth it; their 1993 wedding turned into a 1995 separation, leaving Jules looking just this side of desperate.

4. Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn: Speaking of desperate, the weeklies' favorite pity princess was still grieving or whatever over the loss of Brad to Angelina, and her are-they-or-aren't-they "relationship" with Vince Vaughn on the set of The Breakup just made her look even more pity-worthy after Vaughn's repetitive, close-to-insulting denials to the press.

3. Angelina Jolie and Billy-Bob Thornton: Embarrassing enough as it is to get dumped by someone like Billy Bob, it was his alleged reasoning that made this breakup particularly gruesome. According to countless reports, Thornton just didn't feel like being a dad to Angie's little bundle of joy Maddox. However, the outcome (Chosen One! Brad Pitt!) was hardly anything to frown about.

2. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck: Gigli. We're sorry, that's really all there is to say.

1. Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe: Talk about losing a rock solid reputation; America's sweetheart, married to a classic hunk (with a cute kid to boot!), ran off with the (then) Australian lothario while filming Proof Of Life in 2000. The results? Out with the marriage and the good girl cred, on with the racy movies and trout pout. Disaster.

• TOP 25 HOTTEST ON-SET HOOKUPS [AOL Movies]

• London tabloid Daily Mail snickered at Kate Moss' bony knees during Moss' night on the town with her rocker boyfriend, but what about the frightening shot of her face at left? The tab writes, under that photo, "Kate's hard-partying ways are beginning to show on the world beauty." Or maybe it's just the tint on the limo glass? [Mail]
• Britney Spears was not allowed to go to the bathroom alone, call anyone or touch the mail, but she was allowed to order something called a "lobster burger."
• Lily Allen had a miscarriage, broke up with her lover and her show got low ratings. Now lingerie maker Agent Provocateur is backing out of a modeling deal she trained hard for. Where is Chris Crocker when you need him? [Sun]
• Yankee Derek Jeter shut down by actress Sienna Miller, who had no idea who he was. [P6]
• Vanessa Hudgens,18, looking cute in an airport. ("Hot" would be creepy still, right? Too soon?) [X17]
• After being "inappropriate" with an adult film star during the taping of a reality show, married Daniel Baldwin returned home. Now he's got a black eye.
• Oil heir and inventor of the term "firecrotch" Brandon Davis is out of rehab and, surprise, now has a short temper, most recently with some South Beach hotel staff who called the police. Sounds like a certain hotel needs to sign up for the Russell Crowe Celebrity Sensitivity Training Workshops. [P6]
• Jessica Simpson is blocking a video she starred in, because it might possibly have some redeeming social value. [P6]
• After all the pussies canceled their Oscar parties, which diehard queen was left standing? Elton Fucking John, that's who. [P6]
• Michael Bolton is engaged to an actress from Desperate Housewives in an attempt to create the most sickening wedding ever. [Daily News]

[P6, Deceiver, P6]

· CBS's strike-enhanced winter lineups will include repeats of popular scripted shows, the premieres of new comedy The Captain and existing sitcom Old Christine and the first! ever! in-season installment of Big Brother. Meanwhile, NBC and Fox will ask viewers to choke on all the episodes of Law & Order and American Idol they can cram into their respective schedules. [Variety]
· Kelly Preston and Ron Eldard continue to toil in Hollywood's fifth circle of made-for-Lifetime-movie hell. [THR]
· Russell Crowe has officially "committed" to take the role in Universal's State of Play hastily vacated by Brad Pitt right before Thanksgiving. [Variety]

· Report: Oscar-hopeful, artsy-fartsy films may have limited commercial appeal. [Variety]
· Cameron Diaz hopes that America's tastes continue to deteriorate to the point that her new holiday special, Shrek the Halls, will take its rightful place alongside the Frosties, Rudolphs and Charlie Browns of the end-of-year TV-special season, becoming a new Christmastime tradition. [THR]
· Ray Winstone's CGI-tightened belly continues to be popular at the foreign box office. [Variety]

1. 3:10 to Yuma - $14.1 million
During another one of those early September, post-summer weekends when most habitual moviegoers, thoroughly exhausted from the preceding three months' worth of soul-sucking blockbuster sequels, can't find the strength to make a trip to the multiplex, 3:10 to Yuma proved the grudging first choice of those motivated enough to separate themselves from their couches. Once settled into their stadium seats, we're sure ticket buyers were sufficiently entertained by two hours of a dirty-faced, peg-legged Christian Bale glowering at charming rogue Russell Crowe while waiting for Crowe's psychotic, gay lieutenant to rescue his boss from a date with a prison train, where he might conceivabl y meet a crazier, more handsome trigger-man.

2. Halloween - $10.034 million
With Halloween having dropped over 60 percent from its record-breaking debut, we're forced to conclude that everyone who was interested in learning more about the developmental issues that led Michael Myers to become the masked, suburbanite-disembowelling psychopath we all know and love showed up on opening weekend.

3. Superbad - $8 million
To celebrate Superbad's passing of the all-important $100 million box office milestone, proud producer Judd Apatow will present writer/star Seth Rogen with a solid-gold movie projector featuring a twelve-inch penis where one might normally expect to find its lens.

4. Balls of Fury - $5.693 million
We've recently been treated to comedies about competitive dodgeball and ping-pong, but has anyone put Kickball: The Movie into development? Walken would be up for it if the money was good enough.

6. Shoot 'Em Up - $5.450 million
Any studio brave enough to put up a promotional website in which a new mom fires a machine gun at a baby carriage deserves a better result than this. We are officially disappointed in America.

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE September 7-9, 2007 [Box Office Mojo]

In today's episode: Catherine Keener; Leonardo DiCaprio and Kevin Connolly; Tommy Lee Jones; Jon Voight; Michael Cera and Mandy Moore; Ellen Barkin, Perry Reeves, and Eddie Kaye Thomas; Courteney Cox Arquette, David Arquette, and Powers Boothe; Kirsten Dunst, an Olsen twin, John Hawkes, Dayton Callie, Paula Malcomson, and Garret Dillahunt; Jonah Hill; Nicole Richie and Joel Madden; Adam Levine and Clea DuVall; Seth Green; Tim Meadows; Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart; Vanessa Williams and Rick Fox; Mike Tyson; Valerie Harper; Jeff Gordon, Dominick Dunne, and Rachel Zoe; and Suge Knight.

· Went to the Wilco show last night- 8/29 at the Greek Theater. They played their last song, and I'm walking out of the aisle when this woman barrels down on me obviously in a rush. She apologizes over and over again and calls me sweetheart. I suddenly recognize the distinct voice of Catherine Keener. She apologizes again. Very nice and cool for being a Wilco fan. Love her.

· On Monday night (August 27) - I saw the infamous Leonardo DiCaprio roll in to the Viper Room at about 11:15pm wearing jeans, a black long sleeved shirt and a brown tweed newsboy cap. He was alone.

He watched the band - Blackcowboy - whom he's had perform at events and in a movie he produced.

But then I saw Kevin Connolly running down the strip to meet up with his buddy, Leo.

· It's been the week of middle-aged-transitioning-to-older tough white guy actors. Today (8/30) at Clementine Jon Voight snagged our table as we got up to leave. He was quite smiley and friendly enough for an irascible type. Might need to lay off the facial cosmetic treatments, though; he's looking a little plasticized.

And forgot to report — Tommy Lee Jones walking into Orso this past Sunday around lunchtime.

· Tuesday, Aug 28. Café Stella in Silver Lake: Michael Cera on a romantic dinner date with Mandy Moore. Cripes, you can have Valderrama and Braff, Mandy, but do you really need Cera too? He was supposed to be my boyfriend, but I had the decency to wait until he sprouted some more pube before making my big move.

· at the 8/29 wilco show at the greek theatre... c-level sightings of eddie kaye thomas (american pie epics and fox's unwatchable 'til death) and perry reeves (ari's shrewish wife on entourage). but classing the place up was cougariffic ellen barkin...

· I guess seeing celebs at the Dodgers Dugout Club is like shooting fish in a barrel, but, August 28th game, end of the seventh, we see owner Frank McCourt and a lot of security in the bar and then the front of David Arquette and the back of Courteney Cox Arquette. Boy, is he good looking in person! Courteney, your work here is done.

And as we were leaving, Powers Boothe in the cheaper seats. Do I get any points for that one?

· Tuesday August 28 at Spaceland. Tiny and cute Kirsten Dunst, and an equally tiny but not as cute Olsen twin (God help me, I have no idea which one). They rocked out a bit to King Straggler, but didn't see them after that. It was a benefit for a very cool local theatre company, so thanks Kiki for (most likely inadvertently) supporting the arts! Also many Deadwood/John from Cincinnati alums - since John Hawkes (Sol Starr) is in King Straggler. Dayton Callie, Paula Malcomson, Garret Dillahunt...but this is for "celebrities" not "brilliant semi-recognizable character actors" right?

· 8/27 - Jonah Hill, just standing on the corner of Fairfax and Oakwood near the Out of the Closet thriftstore, using his cell phone. I had the distinct feeling EVERY CAR passing him was going 'hey, it's the kid from Superbad, you know, the one not from Arrested Development' as they drove past this busy corner.

· Out for some Labor Day frozen yogurt to ease the pain of the sweltering heat in the valley, I instantly recognized the easily identifiable tattooed-ness of Joel Madden and then realized that the girl in front of him was Nicole Richie. They were headed into the Coffee Bean next to Studio Yogurt at Laurel Canyon and Ventura. Satisfying some pregnancy cravings?

· Sunday, Aug 26th...A cornucopia of celebrity sightings. Adam Levine and Clea DuVall, both at Mustard Seed Cafe on Hillhurst, dining separately. Levine is hotter than expected, she looks just like she's looked the 9,000 other times I've seen her in Los Feliz. That afternoon at The Grove, saw Tim Meadows on my way into the movies, where I then saw Seth Green (cue the standard: "he's so short!" reaction) at the afternoon showing of Superbad. Post-movie (loved it, btw. Viva Michael Cera), went to Barney's Coop and saw Kirsten Dunst, where the cashier loudly and embarrassingly thanked Dunst for shopping there. Ugh.

· Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart at Cafe Mauro for a late Saturday lunch. With four Hipster friends. They both looked very east coast preppy (baseball hats, chinos, white Ts). But left looking very Hollywood/Bling in a black Caddy DTS with chrome shoes.

· Sunday night/ August 27th- Vanessa Williams and Rick Fox with kids at California Adventure's Vineyard Room restaurant. Rick only person in the room not to get up and watch the Electric Light Parade that passed right in front of the restaurant. Good for them though, even with a divorce keeping family trips for the kids.

· Tough guys like Pinkberry, too! 104 degrees on Thursday 8/30 around noon at Pinkberry in Studio City. Iron Mike Tyson dressed smartly in a fedora and that unmistakable face tattoo. Now my boyfriend can't just say that Pinkberry is "just for chicks".

· Sunday, August 26th. Heading back to LA from Aspen, television's sassiest neighbor from Minneapolis, Rhoda Morgenstern aka Valerie Harper, seated in first class, chatting and laughing with her fellow cabin mates. She looked great however, I was disappointed when she went into the "see me, recognize me" vintage actress routine of gabbing loudly on her Jitterbug and gesticulating wildly outside the terminal while looking for her ride. Simmer down, Rhoda. Simmah down now!

· Aug. 30: Apparently, my last minute, un-planned "quiet date night" at the Chateau was the idea of the day. Also on "dates" were Bungalow regular Dominick Dunne, NASCAR's Jeff Gordon with a woman friend, and Rachel Zoe.

· Wednesday (8/29) - Annoying lunch-time Beverly Center traffic, in line to make a left-turn at 3rd onto La Cienega; I look in my rear-view mirror, it's Suge Knight looking equally pissed in his gleaming off-white custom Land Rover. Needless to say, I made a very quick and efficient left as soon as I got the arrow. As he drove by I was a little surprised he had plates on it, let alone standard issue.

If there is anybody I know who was born for this e-mail, text-message, BlackBerry, information-superhighway, YouTube, MySpace, blogosphere, URL world we now live in, it's Brian Grazer. A modern-age hunter-gatherer of information.

Facts, figures, thoughts, wisdom—he sifts through them all at a rate of knots and processes them all on a surfboard slicing through the ocean or as he caresses a brush over canvas or on a mountaintop that has a view of the edge of the world. These days, it's not whether your attention span is short or long. It's how you use it that counts.

Would you think less of us if we admit that Crowe's words coaxed forth a tear as we fleetingly allowed ourselves to imagine that we were the canvas so gently—yet so confidently—caressed by the brush of the spikey-haired master? Of course you would. So we will admit to no such thing and will never speak of this again.

• Brian Grazer By Russell Crowe [Time.com]
• Previously: GrazerWatch: Imagine Producer Cultivating New Set Of Creepy Powers [Defamer]

"In a conversation . . . he can hear your soul," Crowe says of Grazer. "He knows almost instantly how you really feel about something, and in Hollywood . . . that instinctive, savant-like skill gives him an alchemist power."

We can only hope that Grazer will use this newfound soul-hearing ability (he obtained the aforementioned alchemist power years ago by eating a piece of the preserved brain of 14th-century scrivener Nicholas Flamel, which has since allowed him to transform the lead of other people's half-developed ideas into box office gold) for good, not evil; should he choose to explore its dark side by further manipulating the clearly mesmerized Crowe into unleashing his barely controlled rage against Grazer's enemies, there would be no stopping the spikey-haired Svengali.

• ORGY OF FAME [Page Six]
• Previously: Hollywood GrazerWatch: Unleashing The Colossus [Defamer]

Perhaps disappointed that David Geffen's bid to buy the paper and transform it into the pulpy megaphone he's always craved never really went anywhere, the LAT is doing what it can to make sure that the voices of the entertainment industry's biggest personalities are heard, inviting Imagine's Brian Grazer to superproduce the inaugural edition of an already doomed a bold guest-editor experiment for its Sunday Current opinion section. So what exactly will be required of the new Times editor-for-a-day? A press release can explain while we dab up the bit of melted brain matter that's trickling from our ear:

What would one of Hollywood's most innovative producers do with the paper if he could be editor for a day? That is the question Grazer will answer in the March 25th Current. And that's the question The Times will be posing to an eclectic mix of personalities over time: what would you do if you could edit the paper for a day? As guest editor, Grazer's responsibilities include choosing topics and assigning them to writers.

"We asked Brian Grazer to kick off the program because we wanted to tap into his creative vision," said Andres Martinez, editorial page editor of the Los Angeles Times. "Brian's an ideal choice because his interests are notoriously wide-ranging, and often unconventional. His career is powered by an endless curiosity, and we thought it would be fun to hitch a ride along the way."

"When the Los Angeles Times invited me to guest edit the Sunday Current section, I had to say yes," said Grazer. "There's nothing that excites me more than learning new things and then sharing what I've learned with others. It's what I do as a filmmaker, and it's what I've tried to do for The Times. One big interest of mine is the impact of technological and cultural change, and my hope is that by asking a really interesting group of writers and artists to focus on this subject, readers will gain a better understanding of the world we live in."

We can think of no better editor for the Current section than the midwife of intellectually challenging fare like Fun with Dick and Jane, Undercover Brother, and Nutty Professor II who has previously disclosed an inability to read. Of course, that seemingly troubling last point should pose no obstacle to a successful guest stint at the Times, as we're sure that Grazer will make use of the same support system he's built to overcome his aversion to the printed word, with his cultural attaché helping him choose interesting contributors and a thoroughly literate assistant reading him the coverage of their submissions. Come March 25, the entire town will rise early and sprint to its doorstep, eager to read longtime creative partner Ron Howard's controversial thoughts on withholding treatment from schizophrenics so that they can enjoy lives filled with imaginary friends who invite them on thrilling adventures, then devour frequent collaborator Russell Crowe's heartfelt essay on the tragic decline of etiquette in the hospitality sector. That amazing Sunday can't come soon enough!

• LOS ANGELES TIMES OPINION SECTION TAPS BRIAN GRAZER TO INAUGURATE GUEST EDITOR PROGRAM [LAT]

Universal has hardly had time to refuel the Brinks trunk since it dumped out a pile of cash to acquire the rights to the inspiring story of displaced, soccer-playing kids from war-torn nations it hopes to one day reimagine as Kicking & Screaming II: The Fugees, but it's already emerged triumphant from another bidding war, beating out New Line and Warner Bros. for the script Nottingham by coughing up "seven figures" to its writers (the creators of recently canceled Showtime series Sleeper Cell) and betting another $20 million that mild-mannered character actor Russell Crowe (A Good Year) will shine when given a chance to finally be the center of attention of a big-budget project. The script's high-concept of "Robin Hood, but where the Sheriff of Nottingham is the good guy" is so "now why didn't I think of that and become a millionaire overnight?" simple that Imagine's Brian Grazer, who'll be superproducing for Universal, will be overheard at various cocktail parties over the next month telling transfixed conversation partners, "You know, I always felt in my gut that Nottingham was misunderstood and Robin Hood was kind of a dick, but I knew that if I waited long enough, someone would finally tap into my consciousness and put it all together."

• Universal flies with Crowe [Variety]