1. She makes bizarro YouTube clips with Gwyneth Paltrow.

See above. According to Jacob Bernstein's Daily Beast piece, Anderson and Gwynnie are still BFFs, and in 2008 they made this weird little promo together (apparently with the help of Oprah's production company) appeared on Oprah together. Note Gwyneth's grim-eyed stare as she tells the camera, "I work out six days a week." Also note what she perceives as her options: "when you're 35, you either starve yourself, or you do serious cardio. But there's no free ride." I get that Gwyneth's job dictates that she have what Anderson calls "a teeny-tiny body," but what's with the second person? When I turn 35, I'm heartily looking forward to neither starving myself nor working out with Tracy Anderson. Also, one YouTube commenter says Anderson's workouts will leave you "looking like skeletors nutsack," which I guess is body-snark but is also too awesome not to quote.

2. She even steals from herself.

In 2007, Anderson didn't have enough money to outfit her LA studio. So she just started taking machines from the Indianapolis facility. As the machines disappeared one by one, she told her Indianapolis clients "the studio was simply undergoing maintenance." Then one day her customers arrived for a class and the studio was completely empty. Invisible treadmills!

3. She never went to Juilliard, worked on music videos, appeared in Cats, or was sponsored by Carnation Instant Breakfast.

She claims to have done all of the above, but the Daily Beast could find no proof of anything in this grab-bag of impressive and unimpressive credentials (Carnation Instant Breakfast?). Tracy Anderson also did not invent the question mark, has not seen Obama's original birth certificate, and cannot turn water into wine.

4. She calls going to jail "bummer times."

In 2006, Anderson was very briefly jailed for the Dickensian crime of failing to pay the chimney sweep. The Indianapolis Monthly and The Daily Beast both persuasively accuse her of living a lavish lifestyle while ignoring her bills, but here's how she describes the whole experience on her website:

There was a period of about 4 years in my life when I went through several "bummer times." During this period, I got myself into an unfortunate situation in which several negative events happened to me because I let someone else take control of every aspect of my life from finances to business documents. My misguided trust led me to take on challenges I would never have dreamed of facing, and these events affected not only my business, but also my personal life and emotions.

That "someone else" is presumably Glynn Barber, an ex-boyfriend whose own version of events is that Anderson convinced him to invest in her business and then bled him dry. It's a little hard to tell who is telling the truth about their relationship, but Anderson wants us to know her side — for our own good. She writes,

To anyone reading this who has felt hopeless or alone, I hope that my story can help you start to find the inner strength that you need to overcome and start healing, because no one else can give you the strength that you can give to yourself.

Tracy Anderson: firming the glutes, uplifting the soul.

Madonna's Trainer Fights Back [The Daily Beast]
Tracy Anderson Method [Official Site]
Tracy Anderson Method : Madonna And Gwyneth Paltrow Workout [YouTube]

Earlier: Gwyneth Paltrow's Celeb Trainer: Financial Charlatan
Celeb Trainer Tracy Anderson Wants To Give Everyone A "Teeny-Tiny" Body

• Gwyneth Paltrow's cup runneth over during a security check in Barcelona. Translation: he tits were popping out like something awful. [The Sun]
  
  
• Sorry, world, but Megan Fox insists she'll never have a sex tape. Not one that you'll see, at least, which we find kind of surprising. [Us]
  
  
• An Italian reporter stripped down and begged George Clooney for a kiss. He was rebuffed. [E!]
  
  
• It will please you all to know that Jennifer Aniston still believes in love. Whether the elusive emotion still believes in her remains to be seen. [NYDN]
  
  
• Janet Jackson will offer a tribute to her late brother at MTV's VMA awards. Sources say she's not only looking to honor Michael's memory, but also to make the world forget her Superbowl nip slip. [MSNBC]
  
  
• You know how conservatives are always crying, "Think of the children?" Well that's exactly what CNN Airport network did when they banned a PeTA advert in which Pamela Anderson strips passengers of their cruel, animal haberdashery. Said the network to PeTA, "[we're] particularly sensitive because children make up part of the demographic in airports." [Page Six]
  
  
• Shawne Merriman's ex-girlfriend joined his side in the Tila Tequila domestic violence battle. The woman, Gloria Velez, insists Merriman never laid a hand on her. [TMZ]
  
  
• Chris Robinson, the Black Crowes singer best known for once marrying Kate Hudson, has impregnated another, far less famous woman. [Star]
  place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Hudson's wearing a diamond ring, which has some people wondering if she'll marry A-Rod, but we think it will never happen, because, you know, it just won't. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ali Wise, the Dolce and Gabbana flack accused of hacking into interior designer Nina Freudenberger's voicemail, has the strong support of her former boyfriend, hotelist Jason Pomeranc. He calls her a "great girl" and insists the alleged crime was nothing but "playful." Aren't ex-boyfriends the best?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bet.com's former executive editor, Andreas Hale has loads to say about his former employers, and is currently taking on "the unprofessionalism, the tomfoolery, the favors, the misappropriation of resources, the bad ideas that reinforce negative stereotypes" that run rampant across the site's team. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian and her baby-daddy are getting along swimmingly and even finding time to dine with Kevin Federline. Can you believe we just wrote that without puking all over the place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aww! Sexually ambigious singer Mika invited all of his Twitter friends to a bar to get trashed and then he paid the £25,000 tab. [The Sun]

• Emma Roberts likes to give her boyfriend hickeys — and he likes to show them off. Ew. [Page Six]
  
  
• Because she thinks she's Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow's expanding her London home. It will have 33-rooms. We have no words. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Paris Jackson and her siblings enjoyed a weekend in Vegas. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Michael Jackson had two — count 'em, two — super secret email accounts through which he procured prescription drugs. Say what you will about him, but that man clearly had a serious, sad problem. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Speaking of serious, sad problems, Amy Winehouse allegedly wants to get back together with her equally deranged ex-hubby Blake Fielder-Civil. Surprisingly, though, she's aware of how incredibly pathetic she sounds, "I'm so embarrassed, I love him though." Hey, it makes you do crazy things. [Mirror]
  
  
• Do not — we repeat, do not — call Candace Bushnell a "cougar." Not to her face, at least. [NYDN]
  
  
• Rachel Zoe assistants Brad Goreski and Taylor Jacobson have made peace. Phew! [LA Times]
  
  
• Judith Giuliani plays better golf that Rudy. [Page Six]

• Whatever you do, don't make any sushi jokes around Jeremy Piven — he's sort of sensitive to them. Chris Kattan found this out backstage at a taping of Alexa Chung's MTV series. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• British actor/sissy-boy Robert Pattinson is so afraid of New York women that he's spending his idle time hanging out in bars in Long Island City, just to avoid being recognized by girls in Manhattan. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Jackson has finally been laid to rest at a cemetery in the Hollywood Hills, but the Jackson family is refusing to make the exact location public out of fear that someone might try to steal his body or something. [Mirror]
  
  
• Bethenny Frankel hates Gwyneth Paltrow, so much so that she said Gwyneth makes her want to staple her eyelids shut. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Madonna's fetus fuck-toy, Jesus Luz, has decided that he's tired of modeling and is stretching his wings to try to become a prefessional DJ. This sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kyra Sedgwick says that being ripped off by Bernie Madoff has forced she and Kevin Bacon to embrace the "simpler things" in life. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Mariah Carey, feeling pressured by Whitney Houston's new release, is said to be feeling enormous anxiety about finishing up her new album. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well here's something different: Terri Irwin issued a denial that Steve Irwin's remains were fed to a crocodile in Australia after his death. [Mirror]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham looked ridiculously skeletal when she showed up for her debut as a judge on American Idol. She was also criticized by the show's staff for being wooden and too nice. [Daily Mail]

Former Billboard writer and senior editor Chuck Taylor recently attended a charity event where poor Gwyneth was forced at gunpoint into be the guest of honor and wrote about the experience on his blog.

The press gathered on a balcony above the setting for the $375-a-plate dinner as Paltrow entered amid the typical madness and mania that accompanies any celeb standing in front of camera crews. If you've never seen it, you'd almost pity the star (until, of course, you remember that this is a responsibility of their choice to be in the public eye), as photogs shout out, "Gwyneth, look here." "Look to the right." "Smile." "Turn your head." "You look great." "Hey, Gwyneth, turn around." "Look over your shoulder." "Can you smile again?" It's truly bombast like nothing else in the entertainment business, and you wonder how these folks manage to look relaxed and smile ever so sweetly.

Then again, you consider that an actress like Paltrow makes $10 million per picture... and empathy evaporates. Deal with it. For that reason, it was astonishing to hear the disgruntled comments from the press on the elevator, as we were hurried back to the lobby, that Miss Gwyneth was overheard telling her publicist, "I'm done. Get the roaches out of here," referring to those very photographers that deliver her pictures to the wire services, newspapers and weekly celebrity magazines, helping her maintain any semblance of relevance.

Poor Gwyneth. She's like the Harriet Tubman of modern celebrities, just out there doing everything she can to liberate the masses with colon-cleanses, butt-toning exercises and tasty chicken-roasting recipes. So why do you media "roaches" insist on strapping Her Goopiness to a muddy stump and lashing her with your stinging whips, because that's exactly what you're doing every time you take Gwyneth's picture at a charity event, okay! Leave Gwyneth alone!

• Jon Gosselin, sigh, is now vehemently denying any kind of romance with Star Reporter Kate Major, and has now become part of a gossip cycle where everyone - including yours truly - is being played by some guy who helped a lady pop out eight kids and a Star reporter. Apparently he told somebody at Zombie Radar: "Oh my God, I can't believe she did this to me...What do I do? She's totally [expletive] me over!" Well, the first thing you should do is stop talking to people at Zombie Radar. If it's advice you're after, you should ask someone from Radar 3.0. They'd know what to do. The second thing you should do: have a vasectomy. Make sure you can never, ever procreate again. It's just a bad idea. The next thing you should do is burn any clothing you've purchased over the last few months. Then you should tell Kate Major to go away. Sell the place you just bought in New York, and move back to Pennsylvania. Get a place nearby (it can even be your "gangsta-ass pimp pad" or whatever, if that's really what you need) so your wife - ravenous with power over your guys' eight little moneymakers - can not raise eight human beings whose sole reason for existence is to talk about what a fuckhead they think you are, because if you leave her to her own device, that's exactly what she's going to do. She will raise eight people who will inevitably hate you, only kind of hate her, and be way more like her than you. And if the world goes to war with each other and everyone has to take a side, you'll be lucky if they don't bayonet you. And that's what you get for hanging out with a Star reporter. She's saying that you guys are bumping uglies and you're surprised?! Jon Gosselin, sigh. [NYDN and NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, and he wants his own reality show. Seperate from Kate and the kids. Please give me your tenative titles in the comments, I'll be busy having an ulcer. [E!]
  
  
• Speaking of terrible parents churning out children for the sole reason of creating a profitable enterprise, Octomom - who should be the next Spider Man villain on name alone, and I can't be the first one to think of this: she throws her children at you and they beg you to take them away, she's powered by Zombie Radar and her Achilles Heel is the sad apathy of the world which isn't so much sad as it is generally fair - just signed her kids into a labor agreement. Each kid gets $250/day, and she's looking at around $250,000 over three years, and the other six kids...don't get nothin'. Yeah: so eight of her kids are getting paid for the reality show, the other six get bupkes. Which won't create any kind of inferiority complex. At all. [NYDN]
  
  
• When you think "Lindsay Lohan" and "shakes," you probably think of a reaction involving sniffable drugs, particularly, imported South American Class A narcotics that fall under the "stimulants" family (Anexcitablefamilyforsure!). Well, in this instance, you'd be wrong: she's getting an ice cream shake named after her! She showed up at the same L.A. shop that Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag got shakes named after them at 1:30 A.M. to promote her new shake. It's a mix of Vanilla Ice Cream, Chocolate Swirls, and Oreo Cookie, which is essentially an Oreo Blizzard. Then again, the results probably more than resemble a common reaction after a long night of blow, ew, so maybe you were right the first time. Mind: out of gutter, into toilet. Truly. [Page Six]
  
  
• Newsflash: Jessica Biel spends lots of time in the gym. [ShowbizSpy]
  
  
• Walking slutty Halloween costume Megan Fox thinks she looks hot. There should be a national referendum on this: Can you get past Megan Fox's freaky thumbs to think she's hot? I'd vote "Yes," but only because I have a thing for freaky appendages, specifically thumbs. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Kelis thinks her new son is perfect. Well, yes. For one thing, there's only one of them. For another, he's GOD'S SON'S SON, SON. [US Weekly]
  
  
• So, Gwyneth Paltrow, who took a road trip across Spain with Mario Batali and Mark Bittman but wouldn't eat anything but fish on the trip - seriously - yesterday showed her GOOP readers how to cook chicken. Some Daily News writer did a helpful play-by-play of the video, which includes quotes like this: "I feel inspired to cook all the time...It's sort of what I lie in bed and think about at night which is maybe a problem." On the one hand, yes. On the other hand, your mans is Chris Martin, and he's busy mourning his career before it's already over and walking around looking all sad in a cape. Marital bliss: a wonderful thing. Hopefully your recipes don't call for any apples and you end up accidentally cooking your ridiculously-named child. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• The L.A. coroner's office is being investigated for leaking details of Michael Jackson's death to the press for cash. Meanwhile, it occurs to me that this would've made for a great episode of Six Feet Under. [AP via NYDN]
  
  
• Jude Law hit a female paparazzo (paparazza?) in the face and thinks it's funny. Jude Law: dick! [PITNB]
  
  
• Joe Francis is awesome at being Professionally Sleazy: he bought off guards in jail at Reno by having his homeboy drop off Cartier watches, gift cards to Saks Fifth Avenue, and, uh, a big screen TV? Anyway, the cops just got busted, and Joe Francis is somewhere getting some girl who turned 18 yesterday to take her top off for a hat. [TMZ]
  
  
• LeAnn Rimes is learning how to live without her husband, because they've been living in separate digs for a while. More interesting than this is the fact that People thought this item was worth picking up, on, and also, remember, like, twelve years ago? [People]
  
  
• Ha, Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock doesn't really care for Robert Pattinson. [People]
  
  
• Ashton Koosher says Meesha Barton's "doing great." Take it from him. Honestly, he probably doesn't know the first thing about doing drugs, because WHO WOULD WANT TO DO BLOW WITH ASHTON KOOSHER? Just sayin. [Reuters]

• Katie Holmes thinks that she can dance (and sing!) so she appeared on So You Think You Can Dance last night to do a Judy Garland number, one that some think was choreographed by Tom Cruise. Her dancing was meh, her lip-syncing was God-awful, but it's probably the only way she can possibly make her husband's cock hard, sadly. Here's the video of the splendid event! [Mirror]
  
  
• Gerard Butler is worried that he's become a fat ass because he's lost his six-pack abs and has joined a private gym in Chelsea to work some of his hideous blubber off. [Page Six]
  
  
• People who know Kate Major, the former Star reporter now boning Jon Gosselin, say that she's a fame-whore who has been desperately seeking a meal ticket to stardom. Really? You don't say! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Nas did not let the fact that Kelis was giving birth to his child get in the way of his hard partying. Nas reportedly cavorted with young babes and swigged champagne while Kelis was in labor. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• When she wasn't performing on SYTYCD, Katie Holmes stayed home with the kids while Tom Cruise went out and had a threesome with David and Victoria Beckham. A dancing and partying threesome, not that kind of threesome, as far as we know anyway. [Page Six]
  
  
• The plane crash that nearly killed Travis Barker last year has brought he and Shanna Moakler back together again. [Page Six]
  
  
• In the event you've ever wondered what it would be like to watch Gwyneth Paltrow prepare and cook a chicken, now you know with this amazing video. [Guest of a Guest]
  
  
• We always had a feeling that Avril Lavigne was the type of girl who has booze poured down her gullet straight from the bottle, and now our suspicions have been confirmed. [Sun]
  
  
• For a woman of almost 40, hell a woman of any age, Gwen Stefani looks ridiculously good these days. Just look at these damn abs—Gerard Butler wishes he had these! [Daily Mail]

• Jon Gosselin may have found himself another ladyfriend, a tabloid writer named Kate no less. Her full name is Kate Major and supposedly she and Jon met doing a story on him and has a history of getting "too close" to her interview subjects. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• A new book by a former Secret Service agent says that the Bush daughters were out of control heathens who did everything in their power to defy authority and just do whatever the hell they felt like doing, kinda like their dad! [Page Six]
  
  
• Some crazy Russian guy has been issuing death threats against Britney Spears, who is so spooked by it all that she's refusing to allow her children to make the trip with her. When will Vladamir Putin stop harassing Britney Spears?! [Sun]
  
  
• Tito Jackson just doesn't understand why Michael's doctor, Conrad Murray, didn't make an effort to get help sooner on the day that he died. Murray is sort of in hiding and alleged to be the main focus of a criminal probe. [Mirror]
  
  
• John Mayer is such a dick! So back when he was dating Jessica Simpson, on her birthday, he sent her a DVD of one of his live shows as a present. In other news, why do all of Jessica Simpson's men treat her like shit on her birthday? [Page Six]
  
  
• A scary-looking Cameron Diaz partied it up in London with Jude Law at some club. It's possible that The Sun obtained the worst photo ever taken of Diaz to attach to the item. [Sun]
  
  
• Patrick Swayze is looking like his health may be improving. The British tabloids are all running a picture of a relatively healthy-looking Swayze just sort of hanging out in a cowboy hat. He is apparently going through some super-duper secret revolutionary radiation treatment. [Mirror]
  
  
• Gwyneth Paltrow is pissed because the producers of Iron Man II picked Scarlett Johansson to be on the movie's poster over her. [Sun]
  
  
• The recently institutionalized Mischa Barton is rumored to have been suicidal when the LAPD arrived at her house last week. [Sun]

• Britney Spears is a woman who is dedicated to her man/agent. So dedicated that she's converting to Judaism to show Jason Trawick how much she loves him. She's been wearing a star of David around her neck and has enlisted a rabbi to tour with her to teach her the religion. As a Cajun/Louisianian, I'd like to offer a trade to the Jews. You guys take Britney off our hands, and we'll take Natalie Portman. Sound good? Sweet. Have fun with her. [UK SUN]
  
  
• Gwyneth Paltrow, faux-lifestyle expert, physician, chef, dietician and Jim Jones in training, sent out a message to her GOOP death cult raving about some detox clease she did where she didn't eat anything for three weeks. In other news, Chris Martin probably isn't an ass man like Barack Obama. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jerry Seinfeld, apparently not content with the billion or so dollars he's banked from Seinfeld, is doing wacky commercials for some bank in Australia. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven says he hasn't eaten a piece of fish in 9 months since his horrible mercury poison thing. Now he's all into yoga and is all about achieving "balance." Whatever. Still a tool. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Katie Lee Joel isn't wasting any time since dumping sad old man Billy Joel for some swarthy lothario—Now she's opened up a burger spot in West Village near her townhouse called "Burger County." [Page Six]
  
  
• Jamie Foxx just can't contain his unrelenting cheesedickery. The other night he was at a party at Tao in Vegas when he took over the mic from the DJ and starting taunting Rihanna, who was dining with Jay-Z, to the point where she got up and left. [Page Six]
  
  
• 19 year-old Harry Potter star Emma Watson bought a $3,000,000 London home for her and her boyfriend, some 26 year-old "financier" named Jay. [Mirror]
  
  
• Katy Perry is running around Turkey in a bikini with some mystery guy just putting his hands all over her and we have to admit, we're kind of jealous. She looks damn good! [Daily Mail]

Yes, Gwyneth is downright awful when she speaks about how great it is to be pretty and have tons of money and live in Spain, but can we all admit that this line — the one that has strangely evoked the most web-hate — is actually kind of true:

Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more. They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their Blackberries on.'

Yes! The BlackBerrys and iPhones and Pres or whatever they're called. Enough! We know we sound like Dave Barry or something—some leathery old "comedy" writer making out of date arguments—but just because it's old doesn't make it any less true. It's a holiday weekend in about two hours, so please leave the work machine at home, locked in a drawer, and go embrace the one lone aspect of Gwyneth Paltrow's charmed life that you can. Then on Monday, we can all return to resenting the fact that we don't tour expensive European destinations while pretending to eat food that we would never actually eat because we're crazed macrobiotic diet freaks who think shampoo will kill people.

Image: Splash

• Elle is letting Lindsay Lohan off the hook in regards to the 400K in jewels that went missing after a recent photo shoot she did for the magazine. A spokesperson said "Elle has no reason to believe that Lindsay Lohan was in any way responsible and has no further comment to make." And now Lindsay's pissed that anyone would have the audacity to accuse her in the first place because, you know, Lilo would never steal anything. [Daily News]
  
  
• Two insane Ohio cops tried to break into the home of the surrogate mother carrying the child of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick so that they could blackmail them or rip the baby from the womb and hold it for ransom or something. Who knows? [Daily News]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are insanely jealous of—Wait for it—Jon and Kate! Apparently, these two are seething that Jon and Kate are hogging up all the tabloid magazine covers. For shame! [Page Six]
  
  
• Nick Hornby recently took both his current and former wife on an exotic vacation, along with his kids by both women, and they all stayed in the same vacation home together, which all seems like a very Nick Hornby thing to do. [Page Six]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake loves ordering rounds of nitrogen chilled tequila shots at douchey Manhattan clubs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Fox's Juliet Huddy's third marriage is coming to an end after just four months. Ok, so if you're under the age of 40 and you've been married three times, something's wrong. If your third marriage doesn't even last six months, something's seriously wrong! [Page Six]
  
  
• Well here's proof that the London theater scene is going to crap just like the New York theater scene—Mariah Carey is set to star in a new play on the West End next year. [Mirror]
  
  
• Britney Spears threw on some pink hot pants and went out for some McDonald's in London the other day, because Britney doesn't get any more painfully Britney than when she's running out for McDonald's in pink hot pants. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Madonna has enlisted Gwyneth Paltrow to decorate the bedroom of her new adopted African baby, Mercy, just because she's Madonna and can get away with asking people to do ridiculous things to please her. [Sun]

• Leonardo DiCaprio has dumped his latest supermodel girlfriend, Bar Refaeli, because she wanted to get serious and settle down to start a family. Meanwhile, Leo has been spotted out and about in New York City trying to pick up girls in downtown bars. You've been warned ladies. [People]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus has dumped that little boyfriend of hers, Justin Gaston, and has set her sights on winning the heart of Nick Jonas. Surely Disney has absolutely nothing to do with all of this, right? [Star]
  
  
• Britney Spears just didn't feel comfortable giving her agent at William Morris only 10% of what she earns, so now she's banging him on the regular as well. [TMZ]
  
  
• Lauren Conrad's sure to be horrible novel, L.A. Candy, sounds a lot like an autobiography of her pampered little life, except Lauren's name in the book is "Jane" and Brody's name is "Ignatius." Actually we're kidding about the Brody part. [Daily News]
  
  
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar said that his live performance as "Zack Morris" on Jimmy Fallon's show the other night was the most "anxious and nervous" he's ever been in his life. [Starpulse]
  
  
• David Carradine made a slew of purchases at his favorite Los Angeles sex toy shop only weeks before his tragic death-jerk, or at least that's what the Ninjas who killed him want us to believe! [TMZ]
  
  
• Colin Hanks recently became engaged to his flack and as a gesture of appreciation for marrying her son, Rita Wilson gave the lucky fiance a $10,000 handbag. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chris Martin says that if his Goop-y wife Gwyneth ever left him, he'd probably just quick Coldplay and embark on a solo career. We're not sure what one has to do with the other, but whatever. [Sun]
  
  
• Michael Jackson is demanding that he have a children's choir to back him up on stage and travel with him on his upcoming comeback tour. [Mirror]
  
  
• Usher has barely been married for two years and he's already running around on his wife and doesn't even seem to be trying to hide it. [Page Six]

Here's a short version of Anderson's story:

After gaining weight and getting ridiculed as a ballet dancer, she developed a dance-based workout technique designed to "manipulate your muscular structure." She and her husband Eric opened several gyms in Fishers, Indiana, but quickly went into debt, partly due to Anderson penchant for driving fancy cars but not paying her sewer bills. After filing for bankruptcy and starting yet another gym, she asked Glynn Barber, a married dad who owned a tool-and-die business, to build her a "Hybrid Body Reformer," a variant on a Pilates machine that would both tone muscles and "make you super-tiny." Barber built twelve of the machine and, despite the fact that Anderson didn't pay him, both became romantically involved with her and invested in her business. Over the next several years, Anderson proceeded to bleed him dry of his eight-figure fortune, making him pay for luxuries like a $1,500 a night hotel in London when she visited Madonna, and an apartment in Los Angeles when she decided to relocate there. Though Barber is now broke, the home they shared in Indiana is being foreclosed upon, and one of her gyms has closed without fully reimbursing clients for unused lesson, Anderson apparently continues to train Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Oddly, an article by Donna Freydkin in today's USA Today makes no mention of Anderson's malfeasance. Freydkin calls Anderson "the woman responsible for Paltrow's attention-grabbing transformation from willowy to wow." And Paltrow (whom Anthony Bourdain called "the one bitch who refuses to eat ham") sounds like a promotional brochure when she gushes,

I had always been dedicated to exercise, but no matter how hard I worked, I never was able to change the things that bothered me. Her method is so rewarding because, yes, you are working hard, but you know you are getting somewhere. I really never thought that at 36, after two children, I could look better than I ever had.

How has Anderson gotten away with years of unpaid bills, bankruptcy, and using up a man's fortune, only to wind up a lauded trainer to the stars? We see two equally depressing reasons. One, Anderson embodies the pre-recession ethos of keeping up appearances at all costs. Her expensive car, home, hotel stays, and studio equipment were all part of Anderson's strategy: her associates told Indianapolis Monthly that "she sells herself with charisma and succeeds, time and time again, by giving the impression that she is already successful" — even when she has no money to pay for the things she buys. Though this strategy has resulted in devastating financial fallout for Barber — and for others too quickly taken in by the early 21st centuries buy-now, pay-later mores — it seems to be working for Anderson, at least for now.

The other secret to her success: people, especially actresses, really want to be thin. Anderson "promised that anyone could look like her," says former client Amy Paull. "Anyone could be a size 0 or a size 2." Paull adds that when people hear of Anderson's financial troubles, "the usual comment I hear is, ‘It's terrible what she did, but did her workout work? People are so desperate to be thin." Desperate enough, apparently, that they don't care if their trainer has cheated others and may well cheat them. Tracy Anderson: yet another sign of the end-times.

Getting Ripped [Indianapolis Monthly]
Meet the fitness trainer who transformed Gwyneth Paltrow [USA Today]

Now we know that there's all sorts of doctoring and prepping that goes on backstage with celebrities before they walk out on stage, so it's likely that Gwyneth or her assistant lathered up her legs good with lotion before she went out, but this was a little over the top. And as noted by blogger Soup, someone must have taken a towel to her in the second segment, as evidenced by the photo on the right in which she's lacking the blinding sheen she had in the first.

Naturally, we turned to Twitter to see what others were saying about all of this, and as of now it seems as though the "lard theory" seems to be taking root.





We just want to make more Goop jokes right now, but we suppose the title filled our quota, so we'll just let this one go.

UPDATE: Here's video of the greasy-leg segment in question.





Greasy Gwyneth photo via Soup
Tweet via Courtney Reimer's Twitter

• Oh no. Kelly Bensimon, the much-beleaguered Real Housewives star, is in trouble again. This time it's not for twinkicide or Nay, Saks! syndrome. No, a former Elle Accessories colleague named Celeste Greenberg is claiming that Bensimon stole her owl pendant idea. The two were supposed to share in the profits for the ugly necklace, but instead Bensimon ran away with the idea and that was that. Bensimon's people claim that Kelly was just being nice to ugly old Celeste by even talking to her or giving her a job. So who's to say. One thing's for sure though. I'll bet Kelly wishes she'd never picked up that phone call from Bravo producers. [GoaG, via P6]
• Dabney Mercer, the poppy-faced 31-year-old sister of bumblebee socialite Tinsley Mortimer, is reportedly dating a 24-year-old financier named Marc Koch. When asked about the pairing, big sis Tinsley nodded, smiled, and said "I haven't been this hungry since the pajama fire." [P6]
• Unlovable spinster sadsack Jennifer Aniston has been spotted cadoodling with her soon-to-be costar, animate slab of Highland lamb meat Gerard Butler. They've been seen snuggling in New York as they prep for The Goree Girls, in which the lonely and often miserable Picture Perfect actress will play a 1940's woman in prison who starts a country western band. Fitting. Whiskey-filled ballads about long lost love and beans. Weeping and farting: Jen's M.O. [NYDN]
• Only a two days after a terrified horse bucked her off its back, the Madonna-witch moves forward with another baby snatching operation. Her adoption appeal in Malawi will be on May 4th. The singer forged in the black, evil smokes of Detroit is hoping to bring 3-year-old Mercy home with her so she can make her famous Clemency Chowder. [Us]
• Meredith Grey is pregnant. McSquirmy? McSquealy? McShitty? [People]
• Kate Hudson had a 30th birthday party and you weren't invited. But Gwyneth Paltrow and Justin Timberlake and Matthew McConaughey and Jessica Alba were. So, actually, not being invited is sort of a good thing. [People]

Image via Getty

• Gwyneth Paltrow tried to post a blind item on her Goop.com, not realizing that when people know you're half of the blind item, it's pretty easy to figure out the other half. People are reasonably sure Paltrow's ex-roommate Winona Ryder is the "frenemy who... was pretty hell-bent on taking me down." [P6]
• Jesus Luz, Madonna's Brazilian model and double rebound partner, reunited with the singer at a New York restaurant and shared a car after. He also landed a slot in Dolce & Gabbana's fall-winter men's wear campaign. Yes, we're stuck with him.
  
• When Kevin Spacey finds himself in the secret back room of a shoe store, he watches Kill Bill with his buddies. Uh, perhaps that is one element of what goes on. Sure. [P6]
• A 26-year-old woman in camouflage fatigues was arrested for peeping into Britney Spears' windows. The best part is she was initially asked to leave, but balked. Who do you security people think you are? [Us]
• The woman who was supposedly sleeping with Bruce Springsteen denied that she's been sleeping with Bruce Springsteen. But the pair do work out together, supposedly. Raising eyebrows! Because it's not like seeing Bruce Springsteen work out at your gym with anyone would raise eyebrows. It takes a harlot. [P6]
  
• Rihanna may have texted Chris Brown about his purported new girlfriend. He wrote back, "it's none of your business." Which is true. More of a case for social services. [Scoop]

At least, that's what Star magazine hears. Via The Sun:

[Johansson] has reportedly lost over 14lbs since she began working out with her Iron Man 2 co-star in preparation for the movie.

A source told Star magazine: "The pair have been doing daily workouts with Gwyneth's personal trainer TRACY ANDERSON."

Maybe Johansson can complain further about the extreme weight loss plan (as she did a couple of weeks ago in London) on Paltrow's website Goop, cementing its position as the definitive online shop of body-image horrors.

Life & Style
Following her breakup with John Mayer, Jennifer Aniston is prepared to do the unthinkable: Become a single mom. Though the mag is not sure whether she'll conceive naturally, use artificial insemination, or adopt, Aniston obviously has babies on the brain because her new $15 million six-bedroom mansion "has more than enough room for a nursery." Next: Justin Timberlake supposedly ran into Britney's dad Jaime Spears on the golf course and told him he's nervous to ask Jessica Biel to marry him even though she's the one. Jaime told him to "put a ring on her finger," and JT said he's already got one picked out, according to an insider. By the way, Jessica and Justin's new apartment has three bedrooms, which the mag points out is "plenty of room for kids!" Kellan Lutz of Twilight explains Robert Pattinson's "hookup trick": "He lowers his head down and the girls love it!"
Grade: F (Band aid in your burger.)





Ok!
"I Will Never Remarry." The mag writes that Jennifer Aniston has "experienced a stark epiphany: No man can live up to her ex-husband, Brad Pitt." A source says that since "each time she dreams of having a devoted husband, babies, and that white picket fence, she is let down," Jen has resigned herself to a life of love affairs and single motherhood. Also, there's a two page story about how Jen has "found her soulmate" in her dog Norman. Moving on: Jaime Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge are still living together with their baby Maddie, but an insider says JLS has called off their wedding. "Jaime Lynn has everything she wants and feels no need for a ring and a piece of paper," says the source. Also, she likes being a Southern mom and is never going back to Hollywood. Finally, in an interview OK! asks Gavin Rossdale if he and Gwen Stefani are planning to have another baby. "That would seem logical, but then again so would sleep!" says Rossdale, "But, you know the men aren't in control of that stuff."
Grade: D- (Expired hot dogs.)

Us
"He's The One!" This story is pretty much an excuse to print cute pictures of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, as there isn't really anything new to report on the engagement front. A Witherspoon insider says, "All of Reese's friends tell her they think he's The One." As for when Jake will pop the question, a pal says, "It's not a matter of if, but when. And when Jake asks, she will definitely say yes." Moving on: An insider says Jennifer Aniston's breakup with John Mayer wasn't mutual. "She would never have paraded him around like that if she didn't think what they had was real. She feels like he played her," says a source. Us has exclusive pictures from Natasha Bedingfield's wedding. Brandy attended the wedding, which was at the same place where Josh Duhamel and Fergie got married (but unlike their wedding, Bedingfield's wasn't fishing themed). Next: Us broke the LeAnn Rimes cheating story last week, and their follow up, "Why She Cheated," just makes it sound even more like a publicity stunt. When LeAnn and her husband Dean Sheremet were "caught" kissing by the paparazzi they were coming out of Whole Foods and had only purchased a banana and a bottle of water. A source says Eddie Cibrian "told his wife that this was a publicity stunt for the Lifetime movie." Finally, Michelle Obama "takes top honors" (if you can call it that) as Us celebrates 2009's best makeovers with 24 pages of filler.
Grade: D (Dieter's delight, a.k.a. cottage cheese on a bed of lettuce.)

In Touch
"The Breakup" Insiders say Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are constantly fighting because she's filming Salt and he's stuck taking care of the kids. "Brad gets tortured by the kids all day. They wrestle him and kick him and constantly harass him," says a source." Supposedly Salt insiders heard her saying during a phone call, "Will you please respect the fact that I am working right now? All you have to do today is watch the kids." Things are so bad Angie has banished Brad to the couch in their four bedroom suite at the Waldorf-Astoria. James Haven is staying with the family in New York and Angie has asked her brother to talk some sense into Brad. The mag dug up pictures of Angie looking uncomfortable with Brad for the requisite "maybe she's more into her brother than her husband" sidebar. (Fig. 1) In Touch asks: Has Tori Spelling taken her diet too far? Spelling's rep says she's the same size she was before giving birth, but the mag thinks her young, super-skinny 90210 co-stars "could be a bad influence." Paris Hilton's new boyfriend Doug Reinhardt says he wants to have a baby with her. "Paris would make a great mom - she's my Angel Princess," says Reinhardt. Nick Lachey and Vanessa innillo had a fight at a L.A. restaurant. Manillo stormed out right after their food was served and Lachey paid the check and had takeout boxes made up before he caught up with her outside. In Touch says plastic surgery has left Daryl Hannah "almost recognizable." Next: The mag is calling out LeAnn Rimes for probably fabricating her affair with co-star Eddie Cibrian. "It's fishy how very obvious she was about this," and insider says. In addition to the TV movie Northern Lights, Rimes has a new song and book coming out next month. "She wants to get back on the A list," says the insider. In an interview, the mag asks Matthew McConaughey if he has any regrets about past relationships now that he's married. He says, "You wouldn't be where you are if you didn't go through all the other things. It's an honor to be at an ex-girlfriend's wedding or to have them over to dinner. There's nothing goofy about that."
Grade: D+ (Week old Red Lobster doggie bag.)

Star
In a continuation of a story Star ran recently about Angelina Jolie catching Brad Pitt comforting their pretty nanny, "Don't Touch Me!" claims Angie's still mad so she's refusing to sleep with Brad. " A source says, "she knows it's torture for Brad, denying him that way. But she wants him to learn a lesson." She refuses to take a daily bath with Brad, which is apparently one of their "sexy traditions" and has banned him out of her bedroom. At least in Star's account, Brad gets his own room at the Waldorf-Astoria, instead of the couch. However, the mag says he's taken to "camping out with the kids in sleeping bags inside little tents in their rooms" at the hotel. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman were spotted making out at a hotel in Hollywood. An eyewitness claims he walked in on them making out behind some curtains on a terrace off the hotel bar. "When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves," he said. The hotel was hosting a party, and the eyewitness says once the room got crowded, Sean and Natalie took an elevator up to the private rooms and didn't come back for 45 minutes. After returning to the party, the two split up. "[Natalie] broke it off when she found out that Sean was still with his wife, Robin Wright Penn," says a source. Sean started flirting with another woman, who said "I don't do that! Your girl's upstairs, and your wife is at home. You're busy." The eyewitness says Sean chuckled and left. Moving on: Guy Ritchie is dating Elle Macpherson. A source says Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are planning a June wedding. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet's apartment smells less than fresh? Neighbors say funny-smelling smoke surrounds her door on her days off. How's that for a bit of gossip?" In a possibly related story, Leighton Meester has asked everyone on her floor in her apartment building not to smoke because the smell comes under her door and she gets a sore throat if she's exposed. In "Starving For Attention" Star is hating on ladies for being too skinny. They suggest Gwyneth Paltrow eat a "big ol' piece of chocolate cake." (Fig. 2) A doctor who didn't treat Natasha Richardson says she probably could have been saved if she had taken her instructor's advice and let paramedics look at her head immediately. "The typical mortality rate from epidural hematoma is relatively low ... It needs to be taken care of right away," said Dr. John Knightly of the Concussion Center at Overlook Hospital in Summit, N.J. The mags all featured pictures of Richardson's grieving family at her funeral, but frankly, we couldn't handle pouring over pictures of her coffin being carried to her grave. In an exclusive, Star wonders why Jaime Lynn Spears and baby Maddie didn't accompany Casey Aldridge to Roosters Mud Jam, "a dirt-caked ATV event in Dehli, La." He and his friends were drinking heavily and there are photos of a blonde holding on to him as he drives his ATV into a muddy river. The woman, Brandin Walker, 25, is a married mother who says she was just innocently hanging out with Casey, and that her husband was at the event. Finally, in a story entitled "Jennifer is Jaime's Taco Belle" we learn that Jaime Kennedy "adores plumping [Jennifer Love Hewitt] up with yummy, calorie-packed eats!" Watch out JLH - it sound like Jaime is planning on eating you!

Grade: C (Soggy tortillas.)

Fig. 1



Fig. 2

Ok!
"The Truth About which Stars Are Really Pregnant"
The mag claims that Angelina Jolie has been taking prenatal vitamins and trying to cut out junk food, so clearly she is trying to get pregnant. And! Angie and Brad are adopting an African orphan from an unspecified country. Katie Holmes is knocked up, and has told close friends, but is waiting until she is farther along to make an announcement. Yet there are "signals" that she is pregnant, for instance: she "looked happy" at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere, had hair extensions and her face looked fuller. Also, she had a slice of cheese pizza with Suri last week. As for Jennifer Aniston — she and John Mayer have split for now, but "that's not dashing her baby dreams." According to a 2005 article, she said "I never said I didn't want to have children. I did and I do and I will." Seriously, this quote qualified her to be a part of this cover story. Lastly, "Don't believe rumors that Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged." Since the Prince just started Royal Airforce training, there's no way a royal wedding could be planned.
Grade: F (fetal pig)

Life & Style
"Twilight's Hot Hookups: Back On!"
This story has lots of pictures, no hookups. Although Kristen Stewart does say: "The chemistry between artists is difficult to define. But in my case, when I looked at Robert, it was like I could look into his heart. And he could do the same to me. And that's very important." Which seems like an old quote, no? Plus there's a pixelated image of Pattinson's GQ cover. Moving on: The story called "Jen and John: It's Over!" seems to be based solely on deconstructing John Mayer's Twitters. For instance, the one which says: "There is nothing better in this world than the act of falling asleep while playing the guitar perched on your chest. Amp off. G'night" clearly means that he "just wasn't that into" Jennifer Aniston. Next, Nicole Scherzinger claims that performing helped her shed pounds, but there is literally no difference between the "before" and "after" pictures: She is freaking thin in both (Fig 1). A spread called "Everyone's Affected By The Recession" mentions that Alex McCord from Real Housewives lost her job; Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Victoria Beckham each wore the same dress twice and Kevin Bacon flew coach. Lastly, there are six pages of "Wedding Gowns With Personality," which are actually just white designer dresses, if you're into that.
Grade: F+ (frog)

In Touch
"How She Lost 10 Lbs In 2 Weeks"
Dr. Fred Pescatore, author of The Hamptons Diet, who does not treat Jessica Simpson, says: "Her stomach and legs look much thinner." The mag claims this is due to making "smart choices" in the last two weeks when it comes to diet and exercise. At no point to they quote Jessica or anyone currently helping her, though they do talk to her trainer from the 2005 film Dukes Of Hazzard and a person who attended her concert on March 13, who says, "Her legs looked a lot thinner and more toned." Moving on: Is Mandy Moore knocked up? A source says she wed Ryan Adams in a "shotgun" wedding because she is pregnant, although it is very early on. (Mandy's rep says she is not pregnant.) Next: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spent an estimated $50,000 for their appearance at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere. That includes $30,000 on dental veneers; $3,000 hair extensions; $1,500 on makeup — for Tom — and $10,000 on spa treatments for Katie. Also inside. An insider tells the mag "Britney is still very self-conscious about her body and appearance." This is illustrated with six pictures of Brit in a bikini with captions critiquing her physique. A celebrity trainer and nutritionist, Jay Cardiello, who does not work with Britney, says things like, "She looks out of shape, bloated, and about 150 lbs." A story titled "Robert Thinks He's Ugly" is based on DVD commentary from Twilight star Robert Pattinson, who apparently says things like, "Sometimes I think I look as if I've had facial reconstructive surgery. After burns or something. My whole head looks like it's had a face lift. A really bad one!" He also says he has a "butt chin." There's more, but you get the point. "How Brad Came Between John & Jen" says that "Jen spent most of the evening talking about Brad. It got on John's nerves. He said it was bordering on obsessive." Plus, on Oscar night, John pulled a photographer and said, "Get ready, I'm about to pay for your kids' college." Then he pulled and unsuspecting Jen over and started hamming it up for the cameras, kissing her on the temple and stuff. Don't you want to throw up all over him? The best spread in this issue is "Inspired by C3P0" (Fig. 2). With the sidebar, "Copying Chewbacca Can Get A Little Hairy." Lastly, in an interview with Julia Roberts, she says, "People get wildly famous, and they get incredibly slim. It never happened to me, not matter how hard I tried."
Grade: D- (fish)

Star
"$10 Million Tell-All"
John Mayer has been telling friends that he is thinking of going public with all of Jennifer Aniston's juicy secrets. A pal says: He's been keeping notes in his daily journal since the moment they met, and he knows he could make millions of dollars. For instance: Jen called John Brad in bed, which freaked John out, and he told her, "I can't compete with the sexiest man alive." Jen does yoga or Pilates for four hours a day and John thinks she is obsessed with exercising. She likes to watch hours and hours of reality TV, which isn't really a "juicy" secret. Jen is really aggressive in bed and likes to do role-playing stuff. She dressed up for him a few times and agreed to have sex in unconventional places once or twice. John has lots of pictures of Jen in Mexico smoking and drinking — "and she doesn't look like the girl next door." And: John told friends he liked to photograph Jen while she was sleeping. A source says she was wearing next-to-nothing, had no makeup on, and her hair was a wreck — not the kind of thing she would want to get out. Moving on: "Knifestyles Of The Rich& Famous" Details Gwyneth Paltrow's nose job (Fig. 3). Did she also used to have brown eyes? Anyway, a doctor who doesn't treat her thinks some cartilage was removed. When it's subtle, you know it was a good surgeon! An insider says Prince William "popped the question" to Kate Middleton during a romantic getaway. Blind item: "Which rehab grad has given up trying to hide her off-the-wagon status? She knocked back vodka at LA's Bardot and a few days later followed her partying with a drive." Kristen Stewart is sick and tired of all the attention Robert Pattinson gets: "Except for filming together and mandatory work functions, Kristen refuses to be in the same room with Rob." Katie Holmes must be pregnant, because at the Japanese premiere of Valkyrie she had hair extensions, she was glowing and she wore a loose dress that "accented a slight bulge in her belly." Plus: "At one point," an insider tells Star, "she glanced at her stomach and smiled shyly." Oh dear: "Rihanna & Chris Sex Tapes!" Exclamation point the mag's, not ours. An insider says: "They've had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them." Apparently Rihanna likes dressing up as a dominatrix, and role-playing. Next, Nicole Richie is telling friends she is having twins and hoping that they are boys. In a reversal, there's a piece called "Incredible Shrinking Dudes," with Benji Madden, Vince Vaughn, Seth Rogen and Josh Gracin — usually the mag picks on the ladies' bodies! Lastly: "Step Stars: They're not bio babies, but these celebs treat their partners' kids like their very own flesh and blood. All together now: Aww!"
Grade: C- (earthworm)

Us
"Caught In An Affair."
In an amazing feat of reporting, the mag has security cam stills of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian making out over dinner. Cibrian you may know from Third Watch, or as a guest star on Dirty Sexy Money, Samantha Who, or Ugly Betty. A restaurant staffer says: "I saw them holding hands across the table during the entire meal, laughing and kissing. They kept blowing out the candle on the table and making out over it." Cibrian is married to a model and has two kids; they were wed in 2001. Rimes was married in 2002 at the age of 19. The two met on the set of a cable movie Northern Lights. There are also pictures of Rimes driving to a hotel, having a friend go in and book a room. The friend comes out and gives her the key; then she goes inside. Cibrian shows up; then he leaves four hours later. A friend says Rimes and her husband are "more like best friends. You don't feel any sexual heat." And! Rimes was seen carrying a book titled For Better Or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. Moving on: Britney rejected a $3 million dollar book deal. She "summoned" publishing honchos to discuss writing her autobiography, but was "unkempt" and "out of it" at the meetings and turned the offers down because she was hoping for $8 million, like Hillary Clinton got. The Jen/John split story in this mag is kind of Choose Your Own Adventure-ish; they supply various reasons, you pick whichever you like: "It was amicable, they both wanted different things." or: "John does want to get married and have kid, just not right now" or: "It never seemed that serious. I think she liked dating a younger guy" or "Her friends suspected he was using her for press" or: "The whole thing is a publicity stunt they're both in on" or: "She's always either all the way hot or all the way cold. But that doesn't mean it won't be on again tomorrow."
Grade: C (owl pellet)

Fig. 1

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