5. Kristopher Tapley, In Contention

Like his Top 10 Top 10 classmate Michael Wilmington before him, Tapley's taste for esoterica is less egregious than his inability to keep his meals down. Take for starters this blurb-spray spattering The Incredible Hulk with a monolithic, almost steroidal grandeur:

Louis Leterrier’s re-boot of the mean, green machine was one of the biggest, most exhausting (in all the good ways) film-going experiences of the year. But despite consciously pushing the action peddle to the metal in this effort, and therefore breeding suspicion that the filmmakers might overdo it, each set piece is more dazzling than the last. The film holds the second turtledove of a young studio’s seizure of what promises to be one of the greatest cinematic roll outs the comic subgenre has seen.

"Second turtledove"? Are there three French hens forthcoming? Tapley is even less convincing about his list's number-one film, Slumdog Millionaire, which he acknowledges likely wouldn't have "secured this brand of classification" in a year as competitive as 2007. Or: If it weren't for lists, we'd have no way of knowing that There Will Be Blood is better than Slumdog. Or The Incredible Hulk for that matter. Well! We're glad that's cleared up.

4. Joe DeShano, MTV News

While we're damning with faint praise, it's probably unfair of us to include MTV News video editor DeShano's year-end list; he's not a critic, but was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time when some egg-nog addled Web overlord blasted his Top 10 solicitation to the entire staff instead of just the folks in Movies. But whether we attribute what followed to drunkenness or democracy, it's a spectacular example of why this tradition should be entrusted to more civilians in 2009. Never mind the trenchant accolades for Milk ("It’s interesting to see how a movie made about the late ’70s is still so relevant and poignant today") and Changeling ("Reminded me a little of Frailty, but that’s a good thing") — it's the MTV team spirit for No. 4 Twilight that puts DeShano over the top:

I remember a movie back in 1989 that got fans really excited. Long lines of people dressed like the characters. Everyone was excited about its particular genre again. That was Tim Burton’s Batman. What a glorious day that was. This movie is that for the younger, female generation. What’s better is that it isn’t necessarily some sappy love story. There’s action and vampires and, yeah, a love interest, but there are also subplots and interwoven texture, which are rare to the vampire genre. I actually liked this film a lot and love that it became a big hit, despite all odds. Good job, Twilight folks. I look forward to the sequel.

So do we, if only to get this guy back on the listmaking beat. Only 11 months to go.

3. Michael Sragow, Baltimore Sun

Sragow's generally unqualified endorsement of the awful American Teen tests our tolerance for list contrarianism, but he steps even more forcefully on the fine line distinguishing unorthodoxy from a sideshow of look-at-me-I-liked-What Just Happened stunt criticism. It's the second-worst instinct of the Top 10er (we'll get to the worst), crystallized here with Flash of Genius commendations like, "[N]o actor had a better 2008 than Greg Kinnear, who was a deft light comedian in Ghost Town and delivered an inspired characterization of a wary obsessive here."

We could agree and demand that Mickey Rourke, Frank Langella and Philip Seymour Hoffman apologize for any shadows their towering, even more warily obsessive characterizations threw over Kinnear. Or we could just issue the conviction that critical crimes like these deserve, sentence Sragow to a year of Superlatives Anonymous meetings and check back in '09.

2. Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly

Addict counseling isn't enough for Schwarzbaum, a bona fide Top 10 brutalizer who never experienced a year she couldn't blow to hell with her Molotov cocktail of hive-mind elitism alit with white-hot hype. When she's not condescending to readers with eye-rolling Dark Knight fangirlishness...

Watched again with the passage of time and the changing, too, of the American political landscape, Christo­pher Nolan's triumph of comic-book relevance, starring Christian Bale as a superhero uneasy with his calling in a city anesthetized to matter-of-fact evil, takes on new and even more poignant shadings of relevance.

...she is practicing bloody serial commacide in the name of WALL-E:

Years from now — yea, unto eternity — all who love movies will rank WALL-E among the medium's most profound, subtle, sophisticated, and gorgeously inventive specimens, ever. Never before have robots, Twinkies, a cockroach, and a lone, tenacious plant seedling intertwined so elegantly to tell a story of endurance, optimism, love at first sight, courtship, ecological destruction, postapocalyptic redemption, and... well, eternity.

So — you're big on eternity, Lisa? Then here's a tip: There are not 72 virgins waiting for you in the critical-terrorist afterlife. Cease fire, for God's sake.

1. Roger Friedman, Fox News

Friedman earned his second Listy championship with an unusual flair of imagination: Compiling the Worst 10 Films of 2008. Inspired! But however he decides to send the year off, his signature style of misspellings ("Just because Manola [sic] Dargis put [Synecdoche, New York] on her best of the year list, I had to make sure that sin-eck-doh-key was put in its proper place. ... Keener says she speaks Kaufman’s language. Well, they still need a translater. [sic]"), wild inaccuracies ("[Steven Soderbergh's] landmark 1989 film, sex lies and videotape literally created the indie film world") and vendetta-airing against Scientologists and the legacy-tarnishers of Soul Men withers against the genius that is eviscerating Valkyrie — which Friedman hadn't even seen:

But the reviews so far bear out my original assessment from the first trailer: Tom Cruise plays Jerry Maguire trying to kill Hitler in this ruined account of the 1944 attempt on the Fuhrer’s life. [...] I’ve joked about a tag line for the ad: “You had me at achtung.” But it seems on target. Cruise seemed to understand his predicament by taking a cameo in Tropic Thunder. But all that good will may be wiped out by this peculiar, misguided endeavor.

Slow. Clap. For Mr. Friedman, whose continued bar-lowering is no doubt appreciated by this year's runners-up. May all their examples reflect the symptoms of our deadly list-plague, and may their recovery — and yours — be swift in 2009. In the meantime, does anyone want to deliver an acceptance speech?

As enumerated since 2005 at this Defamer editor's alma mater, the annual survey of Top 10-list transgressions aims to improve both critical rigor and reader experience, all while helping save cinema from those who would rank it for no other reason than to see how much more profoundly their superlatives might resonate among those of their peers. Worse, the Top 10 impulse generally rewards the same rotation of 30-35 movies that such circle jerks — cheered on by high-rolling studio publicists — remind us are OK to single out from the 600+ released each year.

We can do better, as can the 10 critics comprised in this year's Top 10 of Top 10s. For their varying permutations of laziness, decontextualization, overstretching, vagueness, self-importance and all-around bad writing, we bestow the accompanying trophy, colloquially known around the Defamer office as the "Listy." May its autofellating icon (NSFW version here) remind the winners every day of their valued service to criticism and cinema in general. Let's hand out the hardware!

10. Anthony Lane, The New Yorker

As the court jester to David Denby's sulking imperial hack, Lane often enlivens The New Yorker's film criticism with much-needed bursts of wit, enlightenment and contrarian panache. But when he drunkenly crashes to bed at the end of each long year, ensuing depressions like "The Ten Best Films of the Year" qualify little more than whatever his editors appear to have overheard him muttering in his sleep. By our count, Lane endorses only five of the 10 films on his list — not even a list, really, but rather a stream-of-consciousness blog screed deploying the words "confused," "stuttering" and "compromised" to describe We Own the Night, Quantum of Solace and I've Loved You So Long, respectively. By the time he anoints WALL-E the year's highlight, his preciousness reasserts its will over his process. And just like that, it's 2009, and the cycle begins anew.

9. Michael Wilmington, Movie City News

A critic's Top 10 contrarianism is less a criterion for our consideration than is his or her ability to write engagingly, persuasively or at least logically about the year's picks. No one cares that Wilmington chose Shine a Light as his No. 1 film of 2008; it's troubling, though, to see him effuse about Mick Jagger, "He's the Stone that, like Sisyphus' rock, never stops rolling." Of course, Sisyphus's rock was his eternal curse for cheating the gods, which leaves us wondering if Keith Richards represents the wily Greek in this equation or simply the craggy, calcified hill over which poor, asthmatic Martin Scorsese pushed Jagger for two interminable hours. Such confusions litter Wilmington's lengthy copy, but he deserves bonus points for his description of Australia's "magical artificiality," the best euphemism we've yet heard for "gold-plated bullshit."

8. Brian Orndorf, eFilmCritic

eFilmcritic has earned its reputation as The Authority on critical abuses, from its comprehensive attacks on blurb whores to its assiduous attention to Ben Lyons' every misstep. But it could stand some housecleaning — particularly in Orndorf's room, cluttered with abstraction ("A fitting new chapter in the life of the big screen’s greatest hero, [Indiana Jones and the] Crystal Skull presented a buffet of amusement and thrills to be gorged on with as much repetition as possible"), obviousness ("A Swedish horror production with enthralling, unnerving romantic overtones, Let the Right One In is not a simple film to summarize or absorb") and overripe portent ("Revolutionary Road made for a spellbinding sit ... Not an easy sit by any means, Road nevertheless stuns with its dedication to the gnarled core of hope"). Orndorf's work is the list equivalent of that marginal American Idol dreamer dispatched with a "Pitchy, dawg" and Paula Abdul's sympathetic admonitions to try again next year. You are not going to Hollywood.

7. Marshall Fine, Hollywood and Fine

Anyone can make a Top 10 list, but veteran critic Fine infuses his with an unusual cross-breed of entitlement and boredom, rotely inflating the same late-year films (Revolutionary Road, Benjamin Button, WALL-E, etc.) as pretty much everyone else. It's an "I don't give a shit, but you should" blog-fart that hardly seems worth the effort, such as in Fine's praise of Button: "Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett strike sparks as destined lovers who take years to actually find each other." "Strike sparks," Marshall? Really? Extra-super-bonus points for his take on fifth-worst film My Blueberry Nights: "For the first time, critics noticed that the over-praised Wong [Kar-wai] had nothing to deliver, perhaps because there weren’t subtitles to distract them." Sophisticated!

6. Ed Gonzalez and Nick Schager, Slant Magazine

Speaking of sophistication — like, to the point of impenetrability — Slant's two-headed Gonschager hydra is approaching lifetime-exemption status on the Top 10 of Top 10s. Where in previous years it was fun to play "Who Said It?" with the duo's dense, overlapping favorites, their lists differed almost entirely in 2008, affording only the opportunity to play "They Said What?" with their unfavorable descriptor-to-noun ratio:

Gonzalez: Built on sensuous interplays between people and objects, reality and representation, José Luis Guerín's rapturously alfresco In the City of Sylvia uses a voluptuous language of spatial-temporal equations to conflate one's love of people with one's love of movies.

Schager: Hype and haters be equally damned, Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight is a complex contemporary morality play filtered through DC Comics's iconic cowled vigilante. Visceral and vital, this über-blockbuster is both cultural touchstone and preeminent example of the superhero spectacular's expansive potential.

We herewith predict: If ever a sixth inert gas is to be discovered, Gonzalez and Schager will find it.

Tomorrow: The top five!

· The year's top-three meme-ready utterances: "Contract, Guy, Contract." "Google me, you dumb fuck." And "I THINK SHE ABOUT TO PULL SOME'N OUTTA HER PANTS!" Not necessarily in that order.

· Things were going great for the gays after finally welcoming Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan into the fold. And then came Proposition 8.

· Shia LaBeouf had his balls thwacked, hand shattered, pinkie nearly amputated and likeness stolen. But it could have been worse: At least he's not Mike Myers. Or Eddie Murphy. Or a Wachowski brother.

· With the tragic help of the late Heath Ledger — and despite the best saboteurial efforts of Momzo the Clown — The Dark Knight became the box-office phenomenon of the decade.

· Twilight, Iron Man, Sex and the City, and plunderrific Indiana Jones 4 were box-office sensations, Australia, Speed Racer and Zack and Miri Make a Porno went straight to Flopz™. And Delgo was Del-gone before we knew it.

· Lessons in love came hard to Anne Hathaway, who could have learned a thing or two about how to find a man from classy Bachelor contestant Stacey. Or, if she's after something more casual, Ben Lyons is always happy to oblige Hollywood's starfucking needs.

· The 2008 vintage of celebrity sex media proved disappointing at best, with Verne Troyer's frightening video tryst easily outmaneuvering Kristin Davis's racy amateur porn for the overall top spot. Linsday Lohan handily won the Glossy Nudes category, while Adrienne Bailon earned Best Nontroversy with a little help from the Worst Publicist in the World.

· Yet scandal-plagued tween darling Miley Cyrus ultimately emerged in a class by herself, devouring her clothes and going topless-ish for Vanity Fair. But so what, right? Teenagers fuck.

· After numerous teases and an awards-show casualty, the WGA strike finally concluded. Bored with all that peacetime labor harmony, a defiant SAG turned its own missiles on Hollywood.

· We were saddened to see the dissolution of power couples ranging from Madonna and Guy Ritchie to Star Jones and Al Reynolds. If only they had half the excuse that Sarah Silverman had for her temporary bust-up with Jimmy Kimmel.

· The View usurped The Hills as our favorite source of shrill, soul-debasing thrills.

· The Oscars and Emmys were nice and everything, but this year we finally discovered we're really more of a Video Music Awards kind of blog.

· A handful of doomed mini-majors were at the vanguard of the film industry's march toward recession. Harvey Weinstein, meanwhile, straggled behind the pack to bury his dead and plot his retreat.

· We got to know — like really got to know — the Jonas Brothers, Courtenay Semel, Dustin Lance Black and Tyler Perry. In 2009, we resolve to finally meet our beloved Archie.

· Scientology might have had its detractors, scandals and sword-swinging nemeses, but at least its members didn't go around Hollywood asking who this crazy Rosh Hashanah person is.

· We cornered Judd Apatow, Robert Pattinson, Sam Rockwell, Kathy Griffin, Stephen Daldry, John Cusack, Werner Herzog, Rob Corddry, Russell Brand, David Cronenberg, Etan Cohen, Vera Farmiga, Casey Wilson, Dave Holmes and Dennis Hopper into having a word with us. Not all at once, alas, though that would have been awesome.

· Tom Cruise slogged through '08 as well with an ailing studio and a bit of an eyepatch problem, culminating in his "Nazi apologia" Valkyrie. Katie Holmes avoided the whole mess by spending a few months on Broadway.

· The fearless leadership combo of Jeff Zucker and Ben Silverman continued to offer reason upon reason why NBC is your home for Must-Flee TV.

· ZOMG!!!! EARRRRRRRRRTHQUAAAAAKE!!!!

· Nothing surprised us more than Corey Haim's touching full-page contrition. Except maybe for Dolly Parton's unspeakbly filthy mouth.

· So long, Mr. Lisanti. You are missed. As are you, Miss McAleer. And you, Mr. Reinhardt. And you, Miss Friedman. And you, Mr. Graham. Happy new year to them and to you, Dear Reader. We'll see you in 2009!

KYLE

10 of my favorite posts:
· 7 MTV-Defining Stars Who Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Anymore
· What Elisabeth Hasselbeck's Choice in Pirate Shirts Can Reveal About This Election
· 'Star Magazine' Readers in Revolt After Mario Lopez 'Chesthairgate' Scandal
· EXCLUSIVE: MTV VMAs Host Russell Brand Takes the Defamer Pop Culture Test
· How the 'Anne Hathaway Loves Anal Sex' Rumor Fooled The Internet
· DreamWorks Assistant Thinks 'Rosh Hashanah' Is Newest Hollywood Power Broker
· 'Twilight' Star Robert Pattinson Wonders Why You're So Afraid of His Chest Hair
· New, Oversharing Adrien Brody Takes You Inside the Castle 'King Kong' Built
· Ten Hairy Hippies That Do Inexplicably Well With The Ladies
· Brooke Hogan on Sarah Palin: 'Who's That?'

5 of my favorite headlines:
· Sometimes There's So Much Booty In the World, It Feels Like Kevin Spacey Can't Take It
· Who Needs '90210' With This Lucrative Gig Impersonating Zach Galifianakis?
· Marcia Brady on Anal Sex: 'Ow, My Rectum!'
· McCain Scores Crucial Endorsement From One Half of 'The Cutting Edge'
· Pop Quiz: Is This Colin Farrell, or the Hot Homeless Dude Outside Trader Joe's?

5 posts with pictures you could get lost in:
· 'Brokeback Mountain' Author Not Interested in Your 'Zombie Jack Twist' Fan Fiction
· Arriving Astride Winged Serpent, Satan Himself Announces Rinna/Hamlin Reality Show
· Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens in 'Sex Shop Musical'
· Has 'Jennifer's Body' Removed the R-Rated Areas On Jennifer's Body?
· Scott Caan Gives Defamer Commenter a NSFW Christmas Present

STV

STV's Picks
·Teenagers Fuck (And Other Lessons From The Miley Cyrus Debacle)
'Spirit,' '7 Pounds' and 'Revolutionary Road': A Taxonomy of Trash
· Josh Groban: Emmy Laughingstock or Accidental Genius?
· Late Child Star Heather O'Rourke Writes Outraged Memo to God Upon
Learning of 'Poltergeist' Remake
· The Wachowskis Still in Hiding as 'Speed Racer' Circles the Drain
· Why You Don't Care About Eddie Murphy
· Empty Desks, Fire Sales, and Other Signs of the Weinstein Apocalypse

Fine Art
· BREAKING: Nikki Blonsky Injured, Arrested in Brutal Luggage-Defense Melee
· Sign Defamer's M. Night Birthday Card!
· Nikki Finke vs. Sharon Waxman: The Grudge Match Continues
· So Did You Hear The One About Jodie Foster And The 20-Something Endeavor Agent?

SETH

Posts of Note
· Gamut Of Implant Technologies Gather To Celebrate A Newly Anointed Playmate Queen
· Hollywood 2: Dawn Of The Ladies
· The Indiana Jones PlunderWatch Clock
· Defamer Transcription Service Presents: A Visit With The Trumps
· Liveblogging The Oscars: Choke On The Glitz
· Send Everyone Else Home: In The Bachelor's Stacey, We Found A Slut We Can Take To Mom
· Paris Hilton's Tear-Drenched Super Bowl Defeat
· Carrie Fisher Comes Full Circle
· Who Said It: John Cusack, Diablo Cody Or Bob Ross?
· SNL's Gay Minstrel Show

Headlines I Like
· 'Guitar Hero: The Movie' Rich In Ratnerian Themes Of Artistic Fakery
· Barbara Walters Recalls Riding In The Bus With Her Emotionally Retarded Surrogate Daughter, Rosie
· JC Chasez: 'Chace Crawford Is Not My Bum-Junkie'
· Hilton Flack Elliot Mintz Elicits Angry Statement From Nat'l Assoc. for the Advancement of Oompah Loompahs
· All The ऌs Have Been Crossed And The ऱs Dotted
· A Beaming George Takei Spotted Lingering Over July Issue Of 'Brides' Magazine
· Katie Holmes Poised To Make Her Broadway Escape In 'All My Sons' Revival
· 'Even I Draw The Line At Hitting My Own Mother,' Says Outraged Joker About Recent Christian Bale Arrest
· Easy-Meal Jihadist Rachael Ray Promised 72 Extra-Virgins In Paradise
· Fire Up Your Oscars: Here Come Da 'Milk'!

Misty Photoshop Mem'ries
· Brad Pitt's Cryptic New Tattoo Explained!
· Uma Thurman's 'Happy Stalked Actress Day' Card: A Defamer Recreation
· The Grazerhead Halloween Mask
· Ryan Phillippe Doing His Part To Prevent L.A. Real Estate Bubble From Popping
· Robert Downey Jr. Falls Deeper Down The Mustache Hole, George Clooney: Keeper Of The Stache
· For His New Murder Trial, Phil Spector Chooses Hives-Chic
· SAG Celebrity-Standoff Holiday Cards: Joyeux No-el and Happy Yea-nukkah!

10) Lindsay Lohan Celebrates Sobriety By Dropping Trou For 'NY Mag'

9) Megan Fox As Naked As Allowed By Canadian Film Regulation Law

8) Katie Holmes Marathon Mystery Deepens With New Questions About Unidentified Runner #6074: Updated

7) The Kristin Davis Sex Tape: The Graphic Novel

6) Joan Rivers Ejected From British Talk Show After Calling Russell Crowe A 'F***ing S**t': With Video!

5) DEFAMER EXCLUSIVE: Backstage Elisabeth/Joy Blowup Rocks 'The View'

4) Dolly Parton Threatening To Sue Howard Stern For Tossing Her Lovely Audio Book Into A Filth Salad (NSFW)

3) Mini-Me Sex Tape Conclusive Proof That Our Civilization Is Doomed

2) Paris Hilton's Tear-Drenched Super Bowl Defeat

1) The Tom Cruise Indoctrination Video Scientologists Don't Want You To See

We scoured hundreds of one-sheets, banners, international posters and other materials for the handful that provoke, move, repel and entrance — sometimes all at once. Your mileage may vary, and a few notable omissions will have to wait a year for revisiting. But find below what we hope will inspire more studios and designers — for better or worse — to an improved 2009.

THE BEST MOVIE POSTERS OF 2008

The Bank Job: Most Jason Statham posters afford him little opportunity to do more than look fierce, threatened or thoroughly trapped. But this one-sheet for his nifty, underappreciated heist gem frames him exactly as we like him: A kitchen-sink bloke with style to spare. However badly he wants what's on the other side of that window, it probably wants him more.

Boarding Gate: Upping the stakes from last year's Brave One/Jodie Foster firearm-phallus campaign, the marketers behind Olivier Assayas's nonsensical thriller dispensed with implicitness altogether by placing Asia Argento's handgun squarely in front of her exposed panties. NB: When faced with the opportunity to have Angelina Jolie bend bullets from her groin-mounted firearm, Wanted's poster designers blinked in favor of something "a little more Moby-Dick-y."

Forgetting Sarah Marshall: Universal could have thrown Marshall's decent ensemble on the one-sheet, but in a flash of brilliance, determined that even a bikinied Kristin Bell couldn't entice viewers quite the way a mysterious, vaguely misogynist, hand-lettering campaign probably could. $62 million in domestic grosses later, the move would influence another, less successful campaign this fall. (See Zack and Miri Make a Porno below.)

Funny Games: Michael Haneke's English-language remake of his own infamous, utterly despicable 1997 film was nevertheless remarkable for how it treated its leading lady. Often shot from behind or from her side, often stripped, tear-streaked and/or terrorized, Naomi Watts's performance is a marvel of experimental endurance that you shouldn't have to watch an otherwise awful movie to appreciate. Just check out the poster. You're welcome!

Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay: Neil Patrick Harris. A unicorn. If only Valkyrie had thought of this.

THE WORST MOVIE POSTERS OF 2008

Chapter 27: When considering particularly bad poster art, it's tempting to imagine yourself in the late phases of the film's campaign development. But the stunning misconception guiding Chapter 27 to ruin actually freezes us in the moment when Fat Jared Leto's face is unveiled as Lennon assassin Mark David Chapman. And then we laugh and laugh and are eventually fired from the project. Which is just a long-winded way of us saying nobody fucking wins when Jared Leto gains 70 pounds for his art.

My Best Friend's Girl: If your leading man comes out to complain that his face looks like a vagina, then you've got a bad movie poster.

Righteous Kill: We've already griped at length about what specifically makes the Righteous Kill poster such a wreck. But, it turns out, we forgot something: 6. Tagline not a tacky-enough reminder of a man's actual murder at the hands of cops. They don't cut corners in England, apparently.

Space Chimps: We intended to keep this assortment to domestically released posters. However, this tres-rare artwork encapsulizes not only the reasons why Space Chimps crashed upon liftoff, but also why virtually all of Western Civilization hates us. If posters could be tried for international war crimes, this would have gone to the Hague months ago.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno: Loosely related to the Sarah Marshall campaign's crude sell, the poster for Kevin Smith's hard-R flop still undersold an A-list cast on the premise that viewers would rather read Harvey Weinstein barking at them than see the actual faces of Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. If any film needed the full-ensemble treatment — including Craig Robinson, Brandon Routh, Justin Long and porn vets Katie Morgan and Traci Lords, even all just sitting on a couch in Smith's basement — this was the movie. You know what happened next — and not just partly because we called it months ahead of time.

Sean Young Drunk-Heckles Julian Schnabel Off the DGA Awards Podium
We're not sure what Julian Schnabel ever did to Sean Young to have warranted this kind of drunken hostility at the DGA Awards—probably asked her if any more of those "delicious crabcakes are coming out of the kitchen, waitress?"—but it made for riveting morning-after gossip.

David Letterman Repeats a Monologue Nearly Verbatim on Consecutive Nights
This had to be some kind of Late Show writer's room plot cooked up after someone jokingly suggested they just rehash the previous evening's monologue to see if anyone noticed. Still, when the gags get bigger laughs the second night, and America is the butt of the joke, you have to ask yourself: was it worth it? Probably.

Jason Alexander Plays an Overacting Serial Killer on Criminal Minds


Some say the middling sitcom The New Adventures of Old Christine has finally broken The Seinfeld Curse. This guest spot should be all the reassurance you need that it’s alive and well and wearing a Sheinhardt on a competing network.

Nick Nolte Explains His Mugshot Was Actually a Charity Snapshot
Nick, just embrace it. It’s mugshot history.

Steve Guttenberg Jogs Around Central Park Naked Below the Waist
This probably would have made more sense as a sequence in Can’t Stop the Music. As it stands now, however, using middle-aged Guttenjunk to scare passing strollers is probably not the best way to draw attention to your latest project.

G4’s Human Wrecking Balls: The Dumbest TV Show Ever Devised
The Idiocracying of America just took one giant leap forward with this show about two brothers who break solid objects with their bodies.

In Light of Recent Tragedy, New York Sorry About All Her Jennifer Hudson Shit-Talking
Sometimes, when you’re met with the unthinkable, you’ll be amazed at who emerges from the woodwork to become a rock in your hour of need. This isn’t one of those cases.

William Shatner Slightly Bitter Over George Takei Wedding Snub
So you’ve been left off the invite list to the gay wedding of co-star from your seminal, 1960s sci fi drama. Do you A) move on. B) go on YouTube to accuse him of being mentally ill? If you’re Bill Shatner, the answer is B.

Near-Fatal Traffic Collision Survivor Shia LaBeouf Gifts Jay Leno with His Severed Pinkie Nail
This wouldn’t have probably bothered us nearly as much had he given it to literally any other talk show host. Unlike Scarlett’s snotty Kleenex, however, you just know Leno would have tossed out the priceless LeBeoufian keepsake moments after the cameras were off.

Space: The Final, Chintzy-Looking, America’s Next Top Model Frontier
This entire sequence should be plucked out of its reality show context and projected on modern art museum walls around the world.

Trump Infomercial Hostess Weeps in the Presence of her Combforwarded Hero
Perhaps the most shameful single moment of the year.

John Mayer Thinks Jennifer Aniston is a Great Girl, Brah
Look, tabloid press lingering outside Equinox SoHo: John Mayer just wants his life back OK? Jen’s a great girl, but he just doesn’t lead people on like that.

Disney’s The Princess and the Frog and the Offensive Firefly Stereotype
We don’t know exactly what he’s supposed to be—all we know is that we refuse to endure a full movie of this mouth-breathing glowworm narrator, hand-drawn or not. Oh, and Randy Newman sucks.

The Big Brother Four-Legged BJ Monster
This broad-daylight, slurpy-sounding sex act is mitigated slightly by the fact that later on, one of the perpetrators asked the other to be “his first girlfriend” in his on-air testimonial. Wait a second—that just makes it worse.

The Bachelorette Stuns GMA with Her Astonishing Dumbness
Back when DeAnna Pappas was still engaged to Jesse the Snowboarder, but before she had revealed her choice to America, she admitted she was “two totally different people with each guy.” But all we saw was the same incredibly dumb person, over and over again.

Tara Reid Tries Unsuccessfully to Stage a Hyde Entrance
We're not really sure what this pap being "an ugly little Asian dude" has to do with Tara Reid's last grasps at a career, either.

Kevin Spacey Dumps a Whole Jamba Juice on Letterman’s Carpet
Simply charming.

Tom Cruise Introduces Oprah to His Leather-Bound Script Collection
There are no other books on the shelf.

Artie Lang Gets Cupcakeboarded
Does this really seem like a good idea? No. No it does not.

Milo Ventimiglia Offers Stunning Demonstration of Why We Need Writers
What's his power? Being a retarded Easter Bunny?

Baldwin vs. Garcia: In which 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin belittled his Thursday night brethren, mocking NBC for running hourlong episodes of My Name is Earl when the show is "done" and "cooked." In response, Earl creator Greg Garcia told Defamer that Baldwin was a"psychotic narcissist" who can't do math. Burn?
Olsen vs. Pratt: In which Mary-Kate Olsen ragged on former high school classmate Spencer Pratt while on Letterman (left). Why? Because Pratt sold a photo of Olsen to the tabloids back when they were teenagers. Publicity-whoring kids—they start so early these days!

Fanning vs. Woods: In which Dakota Fanning's attempt to portray herself as a normal cheerleader was thwarted by her Winged Creatures director Rowan Woods, who called her a "disaster" on set. One steely glance from the 14-year-old, however, and he took it all back in an email to Defamer.
Emanuel vs. Silverman: In which Endeavor head honcho Ari Emanuel told "high as a kite" NBC playboy Ben Silverman to tone down his carousing and meeting-missing. He did no such thing (Beijing Ben answers to no one!) and was summarily ripped a new one by Emanuel in the executive dining room at Universal.
Blonsky vs. Golden: In which Hairspray star Nikki Blonsky threw down with Top Model castoff Bianca Golden at an airport in Turks and Caicos. Instead of learning lessons of racial harmony through song and dance, Blonsky kicked Golden's mom in the vagina. No amount of pudenda glitter is going to cover that bruise.


Letterman vs. McCain: In which also-ran presidential candidate incurred the awesome wrath of David Letterman by ditching his guest appearance to chat with Katie Couric down the street. Lesson learned: don't mess with Letterman. Also: maybe the McCain/Palin ticket shouldn't do interviews with Katie Couric.
The, uh...let's not use the word "Retarded" vs. Tropic Thunder: In which DreamWorks was forced to yank a Tropic Thunder tie-in website for insensitivity to the mentally handicapped. Literally dozens protested the film's Westwood premiere, dressed in "Retardbusters" t-shirts that went ironically on sale at the Y-Que the very next day.

Piven vs. Mamet: In which a bored Jeremy Piven attempted to escape his Broadway duties by fishing around for an excuse to explain away his "fatigue," eventually settling on a reality TV doctor/bodybuilder who would diagnose his problems as the symptoms of an "avid sushi eater." David Mamet spoke for all of the Great White Way when he suggested that Piven undertake a new career.
Rudin vs. Weinstein: In which a cash-strapped, hit-deficient Harvey Weinstein bumped The Reader up to a 2008 slot, which left director Stephen Daldry little time to finish the film, put Kate Winslet in a difficult promotional jam, and induced tyrannical superproducer Scott Rudin to yank his name off the picture. Still waiting on that $1 million donation, Harve!


Hasselbeck vs. Behar & Defamer: In which the on-air arguments by professional shrieker Elisabeth Hasselbeck spilled backstage, where several Defamer operatives lay in wait. This led to a through-the-looking-glass moment where, after years of covering The View's hot topics, Defamer itself became the hot topic. It also led to the banning of poorly designed campaign t-shirts on ABC, forcing Hasselbeck to find refuge in pirate blouses and a spiked mug filled with coffee and everclear. We'll have what she's having—in 2009, we're gonna need it.

October
· Britney loses her kids.
· Charlie Sheen and his correspondences with ex-sad, jobless pig, Denise Richards
· David Letterman's classic post-jail Paris Hilton interview.
· Tell Me You Love Me introduces America to prop nuts and fake jizz.
· Danny Bonaduce piledrives Jonny Fairplay.
· Pamela Anderson weds the Paris Hilton sex-tape guy in Vegas.
· The path to war.
· IggyGate rocks a nation.
· That creepy thing about David Copperfield you could never quite put your finger on.
· The Great 2007 Fire of Everyfuckingwhere.
· The Great Strike Chair Dispute is a bad sign of things to come.
· Marie Osmond down n' out.
· Jerry Seinfeld demonstrates some Late Night hubris.

November
· The strike is on. (And on and on and on.)
· Ellen DeGeneres crosses picket lines.
· Shia LaBeouf's Walgreen's arrest.
· Fabio vs. Clooney.
· Michael Jackson's Ebony cover.
· Mickey Rourke's Vespa DUI.
· Dog the Bounty Hunter's gets caught N-wording on tape by his own son.
· The Incredible Picketing Baby: A strike star is born.
· Sharon Stone leaves little to the imagination.
· Matt Damon named the sexiest man alive.
· The hunkiest Bachelor ever refuses to play by The Bachelor rules.
· A live 30 Rock among the sweet spots in a bitter strike.
· Carson Daly's strike solution.
· Carrot Top scores!

December
· Kiefer's in jail :(
· Jodie Foster publicly thanks her life partner.
· Katherine Heigl puts her foot in it in Vanity Fair.
· Jennifer Love Hewitt's ass is a topic of much discussion.
· Dr. Phil's audience spared a taping of Dr. Phil.
· Quentin Tarantino horrifies early risers with his Golden Globe announcements.
· Steven Spielberg staying put.
· Jamie Lynn Spears is having a baby.
· A Return to Late Night.
· Last DUI of the year? Bet on it: Mischa Barton.
· Worldwide Pants the slacks of reason in the growing strike madness.

July
· The big fucking robots finally come—and conquer.
· Kwik-E-Mart's invade the area.
· Lindsay Lohan comes of drinking age.
· CAA assistants gather to greet Becks in the stairwell. He never comes.
· Live Earth's a dud.
· Rosie O'Donnell defiles Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
· Ed Limato squeezed out at ICM.
· Jon Lovitz's Andy Dick smackdown.
· Introducing, Herr Cruise!
· Filipino "Thriller."
· Lindsay Lohan: The Coke-Pant, Denalijacking arrest.
· McPherson to Silverman: "Be a man."
· Merry Miller's Holly Hunter interview disaster.

August
· Billion Dollar Ratner Week.
· Whoopi Goldberg arrives at The View.
· Lohan joins the Cirque.
· The Phil Spector trial field trip and he's greatest canine supporter.
· Big Brother's Amber is leery of Jews, and other BB intolerances.
· Merv Griffin dead, gay.
· John From Cincinnati drowns in an inscrutable riptide.
· Hey—it's Naked Leopard Man! (Thanks, Dave!)
· The Learning Channel not quite successful achieving its mission statement.
· Owen Wilson attempts suicide.

September
· Rita Cosby's outrageous Howie-on-Larry allegations.
· Bill Murray's drunken Swedish golfcart joyride.
· Jerry Lewis's gay telethon slur.
· Crazed Italian Brad Pitt fan-attack!
· The Britney Spears VMAs performance of a lifetime.
· Kathy Griffin: "Screw Jesus. This award is my god now."
· Acknowledging the Rubyfruit Mafia.
· O.J. Simpson's stolen-shit shakedown.
· An Emmys in the round.
· Kid Nation premieres, and homesickness abounds.
· Spector jury hung. Mistrial is declared.
· Sherri Shepherd admits she has no clue what shape the planet is.
· Leave Britney Alone!
· George Clooney's motorcycle accident.
· Kiefer Sutherland's U-Turn of Doom.
· Spielberg: "Completely Immaterial."

We cannot express enough just how much joy we derived from reliving the greatest recorded moments of the year; some of them we've now seen dozens, even hundreds of times, and yet they still offer us new discoveries—such as Barbara Walters observing, "Well, you can do both," upon it being suggested to her that it's impossible to simultaneously feed one's children, and know that the Earth is in fact not flat. Oop! We've already said too much. From us to you, enjoy.

• Defamer Clips

May
· Paris Hilton sentenced to 45 days.
· Hasselburger down!
· Bruce Willis's Sweary Night in Canada.
· Russell Crowe loses it rhapsodizing Brian Grazer.
· Chris Albrecht's bumpy night bumps him right out of HBO.
· Kirstie Alley the surprise hero of The Great Griffith Park Fires of 2007.
· Paris pardons Elliot Mintz.
· Who knew the Upfronts would wind up being a gigantic waste of time? (Ahem.)
· Jerry Seinfeld's Bee Movie zipline stunt.
· The Pinkberry question.
· An Idol winner.
· Rosie storms out of The View.
· Shhhhhh. It's sleeping Jakeypoo on a train.
· Lindsay Lohan's "usable amount of cocaine" DUI arrest.
· · Kevin Reilly is shitcanned, and a perfect storm rock star takes his place.
· Hey—remember that TB guy?
· Typo of the Year.

June
· Paris, In-n-Out-n-In.
· Isaiah Washington fired from Grey's Anatomy.
· The Jericho peanut campaign starts a new era of snack-food-based fan demonstrations.
· Rob Lowe commits birdiecide.
· Eli Roth's monstrous manhood.
· Clooney and Damon press their paws in Grauman's.
· Don't Stop Believin': The Sopranos is over.
· Paris finds God.
· Brian Grazer and Gigi Levangie call it quits.
· Innovative assistants have their benefits revoked, and quickly restored. Shmears for all!
· CAA needlessly sends its assistants for iPhones.
· Paris is released.
· How Studio 60 ended.

January
· Tara Reid's endless New Year's Eve countdown.
· Vanessa Minnillo cusses her way into the new year.
· From Justin to Cameron: You're dumped.
· Welcome to the end of The O.C. era, bitch.
· Indy 4 gets a greenlight, and crystal skulls are still things you associate with a head shop.
· Gail Berman gets the ax, making Brad Grey the Emperor of Paramount.

· Welcoming the Beckhams.
· James Cameron settles on a project.
· Donald and Rosie still having relationship problems.
· Angelina Jolie assesses her feelings about the new white blob in her life.
· Golden Globes, top to bottom.
· The beginning of the end for Isaiah Washington.
· Sorky fights back!
· Dreamgirls, snubbed.
· The CAA Death Star opens for business.
· Nicole Kidman's Invasion accident. (Sooo not worth it.)

February
· The Aqua Teen Hunger Force marketing campaign has Boston under siege.
· With Lloyd Braun as her witness, Gail Berman shall rise again.
· Sienna Miller's Today show f-bomb.
· Chewie booked.
· OMFG: Anna Nicole dies. Eight great YouTube moments.
· Zucker ascends.
· Prince's Super Bowl demonschlong.
· Hey—remember that crazy astronaut in the diaper?
· They don't call Ralph Fiennes the Mile-High Mad Dog for nothing.
· Paris Hilton and Antonio Villaraigosa cozy up to discuss policy.
· Liveblogging Oscar.
· Britney shaves her head, and America really starts to suspect that something might be wrong.

March
· The Wolfgang Puck hepatitis A scare rocks canapé-noshing Hollywood!
· Antonella Barba: A star for the talentless, naughty-internet-photo generation.
· The first juicy-ish gossip item in the history of Hollywood sound mixers.
· Avert your eyes: Travolta is boogying in bikerwear.
· Steven Spielberg's stolen Rockwell.
· Fat Leto.
· Pax Thien put on Angelina's Black Card.
· Sly busted in Australia for possession of HGH.
· Britney in Promises.
· Richard Jeni's suicide.
· Brian Grazer presents The Los Angeles Times Currents Section: An Imagine Production canceled because of Grazergate.
· The amazing Lily Tomlin/David O. Russell Huckabees freakouts.
· Sanjayamania reduces us to tears.
· The Great Burbank Fire of '07.

October
· The importance of being Jack Foley.
· InSinkErator™ vs. Heroes.
· The Rosie Nip/Tuck sex scene.
· Mel Gibson has many dark Pop-Tart secrets.
· The McChokey vs. McSteamy chokedown!
· Black like Jolie.
· The Madonna orphan controversy begins.
· NBC 2.0.
· This is the dawning of the Age of Borat.
· Madonnah does Opra.
· The All-Star Media Titan Tom Freston Roast.
· Brian Atene, we are your bitch.

November
· Tom Cruise overthrows the tiny nation of United Artists.
· Universal plunks down $42.5 million for a Bruno movie.
· Reese Witherspoon drops some weight.
· K-Fed's Halloween horror.
· Doogie Howser likes men.
· Things go from bad to worse for Kevin Federline.
· Borat's big splash.
· Gaylancer 3: The Reichening.
· Daniel Baldwin's still kicking up crack-related trouble in Santa Monica.
· Something Brainwashed, Something Blue.
· If It Had Aired, Here's How The Planet Would Have Erupted Into Flames.
· Michael Richards: How Not To Make Friends, and Distance People.
· Goodbye, Robert Altman. Be adequite.
· Britney Spears jumps the shark.
· Lindsay Lohan: Unclean and (trying to be) sober.

December
· Apocalypto's red tide.
· Amy Pascal just one penis shy of being most powerful person in Hollywood.
· Lane Garrison's Can't Hardly Wait night could probably have waited.
· Lindsay's nutcase manifesto.
· Jennifer Aniston just can not keep a man! What gives?
· Year-end awards season mania kicks off. Leo and Clint double dip at the Globes.
· Ms. Nicole Richie's wild, Vicodin-and-pot-induced ride.
· The agency holiday giving season is here, with varying results.
· Rosie vs. Donald. Rosie on Donald.
· We got Pageant slut fever!

July
· Where's Suri?
· Hilary Swank tells the world Chad Lowe's ongoing drug problem really put a strain on the relationship.
· A good year for the Bruckaneer.
· Joe Francis takes one for the titty-flashing team.
· Adam Sandler and Kevin James go go-go boy crazy in WeHo.
· Nina Jacobson gets the news she was fired from Disney while in the delivery room.
· Haley Joel Osment does his former child star duty.
· Oprah Winfrey tells everyone her lady-lover Gayle is just her friend.
· Colin Farrell's Tonight Show stalker ambush.
· Lindsay Lohan's Morgan Creek letter and that creepy-ass fleshkini photograph.
· "I'M GAY"
· Ellen Pompeo's Big Fat Plate of Nothing diet.

August
· Well...Mel.
· Thanks for the add, World Trade Center!
· Director Vadim Perelman's busty bar brawl.
· Brian + Gigi 4-ever!
· More Mel.
· Naughty kinkajou!
· Ever get the feeling Robin Williams checked himself in for the material?
· Agent takes it all at the World Series of Poker.
· Andy Dick adds biting to the repertoire.
· Tom Cruise is booted from Paramount, and a Redstone vs. Cruise war for the ages begins.
· Survivor goes the race war route.
· Snakes On A Bomb.
· Tom Cruise gets backing from the loop-de-loop set.
· Emmy's Angels reunion.
· Les Moonves picking on Tom Freston never gets old.

April
· Katie Holmes gets ready to bite the binkie.
· John McTiernan is charged with lying to the feds about Pellicano.
· Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson catfight over Brett Ratner's affections.
· Payola Six rocks the gossip inhaling world.
· Aaron Sorkin's delicious crack recipe.
· Up close and personal with Gay Vito.
· Enter Suri.
· Charlie Sheen's dirty, prep squad laundry is aired by Denise Richards.
· Julia Roberts bombs on Broadway.
· Britney Spears still knew the whereabouts of her second baby.

May
· M:i:III's global premiere challenge has Cruise firing on all pistons.
· Mark Gill is given his Warner Independent waddling papers.
· Randy Quaid settles his Brokeback lawsuit.
· Teri Hatcher goes on and on about her gripples.
· A bad omen of things to come: M:i:III disappoints™.
· It's never too early for Kiefer's Christmas tree tackle!
· Upfronts sizzle with Studio 60 potential!
· Ride the rails on The Da Vinci Code express.
· Brian Grazer puts the "p" in prank.
· As far as we're concerned, this is the image of the year.
· Britney Spears angry poetry takes on a whole new level of couchhusband-dumping significance.
· Hugh Jackman and his horny sailor friends set a course for adventure.

February
· Brokeback Mountain and Oscar seem like a definite couple, but you know how that goes.
· Lee Tamahori: DGA member looks like a lady!
· Britney Spears was supposed to be the next Debra Messing.
· Werner Herzog is Joaquin Phoenix's guardian angel. (Yeah, we thought we had dreamed that one, too.)
· Tom Ford gives us a naked Scarlett Johansson, and yet no cleavage. Explain that one!
· New Line online marketing gives us a virtual Vera Farmiga, then invites you to eat her out until she "[COMES] her fucking brains out!"
· The Stacy Snider defection rumors swirl.
· Overdosing on Oscars hype.
· The split that never came gets the legal threats that never materialize.
· Jeremy Piven is crowned King of L.A. Nightlife. As if we needed Los Angeles magazine to tell us that.