<![CDATA[Gawker: defamer, xmen]]> http://tags.gawker.com/assets/base/img/thumbs140x140/gawker.com.png <![CDATA[Gawker: defamer, xmen]]> http://gawker.com/tag/defamer/xmen http://gawker.com/tag/defamer/xmen <![CDATA[Disney's Marvel Deal Forces DC's Hand]]> In a battle between Mickey Mouse and Superman, most people would put their money on Superman. Well, that's almost true. Sure, Superman would definitely kill Mickey, but the Mouse has Disney power, and that Disney power forced Superman's company's hand.

Hoping to become more of a superhero power player in Hollywood, Warner Bros. has been quietly reorganizing its comic arm, DC Comics, to focus its energies on blockbuster hits. They claim they've been working on this for months, but Disney's announcement that it was buying Marvel accelerated things a bit.

Warner had intended to announce details about its plans for DC Comics in January, as it begins a 75th anniversary celebration of the DC brand, Barry Meyer, chairman and chief executive of Warner, said in an interview.

But the Disney announcement resulted in so many questions about the possibly heightened competition "that it would have been disingenuous for us to suggest that we had not been thinking about it." He added that the Marvel-Disney announcement "reconfirmed in us our strong belief in how valuable DC really is."

That remains to be seen. While, yes, DC has the strong Batman franchise and, to a far lesser degree, a burgeoning Superman series, it's also unleashed a slew of stinkers, like Catwoman and Watchmen, which failed to live up to its potential. Marvel, meanwhile, had the X-Men trilogy, keeps rolling out Spider-Man flicks, made three Blade movies, Iron Man and will no doubt make a splash with the forthcoming Thor, Avengers and Wolverine 2 big screen adventures.

DC will have to look mighty hard for characters who can stand up to Marvel's icons. Our suggestion? Neil Gaiman's Sandman. Why, oh why, has that not been adapted?

Image via Madolan's flickr.

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<![CDATA[Disney Buys Marvel, Now in Business with Every Studio in Hollywood]]> It was announced today that Disney shelled out $4 billion for Marvel Entertainment, Inc. Not only does it now own Spider-Man, the X-Men, and Iron Man, but is also in business with almost every Hollywood studio. What a tangled web!

More important than printing comics (which, they actually still do!), Marvel is valuable for the merchandising and movie rights to all its characters—over 5,000—many of which have become the massive film franchises that are the lifeblood of the movie studios. The only two studios that aren't dependent on Marvel for summer tentpoles are Disney and Warner Bros. (which bought out DC Comics and its stable of characters including Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman). Paramount has Iron Man, Sony's long been living off Spider-Man, 20th Century Fox lives and dies by how many X-Men,Wolverine, or Fantastic Four films it can spin out and Universal would like you to like The Hulk.

All of a sudden, those studios have just discovered that Disney may be in control of their summer fates. Welcome to your new groveling life, studio executives.

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<![CDATA[The Force Is Strong in Star Trek!]]> To Infinity, and Beyond! I mean... um... Frak! Wait. No. I am... your father... Greedo... Bespin... Um... Oh, right! Star Trek prospered this weekend and will likely live long in theaters.

1) Star Trek — $72.5 million
Yes, that intro was belabored. But Star Trek did do well, despite the wold's most important critic, me, finding it a bit underwhelming. While not matching or besting the awful Wolverine's numbers last weekend, Trek did manage to improve on its franchise's last best debut, First Contact's $30 million thirteen years ago, by more than double. Good work everyone! But mostly good work J.J. Abrams, who is basically made of gold at this point. People just love him. And people just love the movie. It got a rock solid A from CinemaScore, which ought to mean good word-of-mouth ticket sales in the weeks to come. Unlike...

2) Wolverine — $27 million
Nobody liked Wolverine. Not even Wolverine liked Wolverine. Jean Grey called it "middling" then enclosed herself in her mind bubble. Professor X awkwardly twiddled his thumbs and then slowly backed his magic wheelchair out of the room. Gambit explosively charged his cell phone and was all "Uh, I gotta get that..." and ran away. Jubilee didn't say anything because no one cares what Jubilee has to say. Cyclops chuckled softly to himself, his visor glowing the ruby red of satisfaction. Psylocke cut a hole in the wall with her telekinetic hand blade and slipped away into the night. And Beast quietly pooped in a corner, reading Chaucer. The movie dropped a steep 68% from last week, because nerds told other nerds who told sorta regular people who told the normals "wait for the DVD." This is bad news for everyone except for me, who is maliciously happy that Taylor Kitsch shan't be as big a star as some predicted.

3) Ghosts of Girlfriends Past — $10.4 million
Speaking of pooping in a corner, Matthew McConaughey's little ghostly romantic comedy about Jennifer Garner paying her Violet bills and Emma Stone trying to get famous and Michael Douglas doing a sad little softshoe while mumbling "see Kitty, I'm not old..." fared just aight in its second weekend. The Dudester can usually go bigger than this, but summer romantic counterprogramming really only works effectively when the lynchpin upon which the whole thing hinges hasn't been sun griddled down to a mostly useless mound of drawling tanned hide.

4) Obsessed — $6.6 million
Boncee, Boncee! She's still got it. Her thriller about killing white ladies while Stringer Bell watches, helplessly aroused, has thrown $56.2 million's worth of blonde bitches down the stairs in three weeks. Which is significant considering the movie only cost about $20 million to make. So expect Boncee to feature in some more thrillers, like The Hand that Rocks the Crib and a remake of A Stranger Among Us, about the Destiny's Child singer moving to Boca.

7) The Soloist — $3.6 million
Jamie Foxx sitting in a dark room, muttering to himself. Yes, that's the plot of the movie. But it's also what happened this weekend, when the actor wrote the AMC in Century City a check for $3.6 million, got some Butterfinger bites, and sat by his lonesome in the theater, trying to figure out what went wrong.

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<![CDATA[Is Fox Head Tom Rothman Dulling the Claws of 'Wolverine'?]]> If there's one important lesson that can be drawn from the blockbuster performance of Warner Bros.' The Dark Knight, it's that audiences aren't afraid of a comic-book movie that takes a walk on the dark, grim side. However, the same can't necessarily be said for Fox topper Tom Rothman (the bane of AICN) who greenlit two Fantastic Four movies, hired Brett Ratner to direct X3, and now is allegedly mucking with the X-Men spinoff Wolverine. Despite the fact that the gritty, Hugh Jackman-topped film was met with a giddy response at this year's Comic-Con, Jeff Wells says that Rothman is pressuring director Gavin Hood to make the movie more kid-friendly — and when Hood won't cave, Rothman is taking matters into his own hands:

There was/is a huge Wolverine set being recently used. I'm not even sure which lot it was built on, but the look or mood of the set is, according to a source who was told Hood's view of things, supposed to be on the dark, dinghy and somber side. I only know what I was told, but the basics are that Hood was away from the set for whatever reason (shooting something else, taking a day or two off), and when he returned to the big somber set he was shocked to find that it had been repainted top to bottom on Rothman's orders. The murky-scuzzy vibe was gone, and a brighter and less downish look had taken its place.

Perhaps Rothman has taken his fan letter from Steven Spielberg too much to heart, but a child-friendly Wolverine feels less "X" and more "Y?" Does this mean his bristly greeting of "Bub" will be redubbed "Buddy," or his iconic cigar will be replaced with a pixie stick? C'mon, Tom: Wolvie isn't meant for buoyant musical numbers — or don't you remember what happened last time?

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<![CDATA[Whither Our Superheroines? An Outraged Culture Demands To Know]]> In all the drama surrounding Edward Norton's Hulk trouble and Iron Man star Robert Downey Jr.'s gloriously checkered past, we've overlooked one of the more conspicuous problems afflicting this summer's superhero glut. To wit: Where are all the women? Are there any comics featuring female heroes whom some studio will take a chance shepherding to the screen? At least one commentator shares our concern at Vulture, and the prognosis isn't looking good:

Historically, in superhero movies, the only way for an actress to get a piece of the action is to be a piece of action. While all these female characters will certainly be smart, capable women, their primary function will still be as the hero's love interest. These perilous roles virtually guarantee that no amount of brains or pluck will be enough for a damsel to save herself from distress; her endangerment serves to ratchet up the tension of the film, which is always nicely resolved with the tender coda of her rescue. ... What does it take to get some superequal rights up in here?

The author does cite the presence of Selma Blair as the "pyrokinetic" romantic interest in Guillermo del Toro's upcoming Hellboy II — essentially the exception that proves the Hollywood rule. Meanwhile, Film Experience proprietor Nathaniel Rogers spent the weekend at New York's Comic-Con, recoiling from the near-second-class citizenry afforded icons like Supergirl and Batgirl while a new Jenna Jameson comic book sold like mad elsewhere in the building. Yes, we know that Elektra and Catwoman tanked, but Halle Berry's folly is no good reason for the long-awaited Wonder Woman movie to eternally inhabit Development Hell — at least not when Marvel will spend $300 million making The Incredible Hulk twice before throwing a quarter of that into spinning off Ellen Page's Kitty Pryde character from X-Men. We're just saying, boys.

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<![CDATA[Ben Silverman's Great Taste In Foreign TV Hits Rewarded By Emmy Voters]]> · X-Men fans, take heart: Tsotsi's Gavin Hood, not X-Men 3: The Last Gasp of a Once Vital Franchise's Brett Ratner, has signed on to direct Wolverine. [Variety]
· It's official: NBC's Ben Silverman is the new Norman Lear. In producing two of the Emmy nominees for best comedy (The Office and Ugly Betty), Silverman has equalled a feat last acheived by his idol, who in 1973 earned sitcom nods for All in the Family and Maude. [THR]
· In other Emmy oddities, Fox's instantaneously premiered/canceled Drive makes history as the first-ever Primetime Emmy broadband nominee for a three-minute clip that streamed on Fox.com. [Variety]
· Upon learning of her Emmy nomination for her work on Brothers & Sisters, Sally Field was overwhelmed by a Meg-Ryan-in- When-Harry-Met-Sally-quality orgasm, a spasm of ecstasy so paralyzing she was unable to do her usual, "You like me, you really really like me!" schtick. [THR, THR]
· When John Travolta in drag and fake gay-married firefighters clash at the box office, no comedy fans will escape unscathed. [Variety]

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<![CDATA[Fox And Marvel Announce 'Magneto: The Early, Nazi-Hunting Years']]> magneto.jpgFox and Marvel have announced they will be spinning off an X-Men character into his own movie. Not Wolverine, however, which is still listed as in development, but telepathic metal manipulator Magneto:

[Ian] McKellen's participation in "Magneto" will likely be limited, since the film is an origin story. In a storyline hinted at by the original "X-Men" films, Magneto comes to grips with his mutant ability to manipulate metal objects as he and his parents try to survive in Auschwitz. Magneto meets Professor Xavier (played as the wheelchair-bound mutant leader by Patrick Stewart) when Xavier is a soldier liberating the concentration camp.
Magneto hones his powers by hunting down and killing Nazi war criminals that tortured him, and his lust for vengeance turns Xavier and Magneto into enemies. Both characters will be played by actors in their 20s.

Director David Goyer has his work cut out for him, as the margin of discretionary error tends to widen when one segues from tales about bat-suited vigilantes to a mutant coming-of-age story set inside history's most efficient death factory. Still, the subject matter seems far richer than your average "fell into a tank of toxic sludge at the Ace card factory" supervillain origin, and we for one are looking forward to witnessing our unlikely hero, equal parts Simon Wiesenthal and Uri Geller, carving up the bad guys using nothing more than some intense concentration and his former SS tormentors' own Nazi uniform belt buckles.

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<![CDATA[Brett Ratner, Auteur]]> On the day that Brett Ratner's X-Men: The Last Stand, the triumphant culmination of his bombastic, incomprehensible-action aesthetic, finally reaches retail shelves in DVD form, the deferential director who long ago quietly surpassed his idols is finally ready to surrender some of his trademarked humility and stake a claim to his rightful place among the auteurs whose work truly defines the medium:

MTV: You got onboard late in the development process. What input did you have into the script? Did you say, "I want more of this character," or, "I want a scene in this location"?

Ratner: I did not change the plot of the film. ... Two of my other movies, I came into the project [while it was already in development]. Directors are, in my opinion, the auteurs of the movie. Not that writers aren't important, but that's why it's a Brett Ratner film and not a Zak Penn or a Simon Kinberg film. That's why it's a Bryan Singer film. I'm the most collaborative person with the writers. I actually had Simon and Zak there the whole time I was making the movie. They're the biggest "X-Men" fans in the world, so, you know, I'm not taking anything away from them. But what I'm saying is the script is not the movie. The movie's the movie. Where I put the camera, how I block the scene, the tone of the scene — but I did stay very true not only to the first two movies but to the comic books.

If anything, the studio-mandated involvement of writers provide a significant obstacle to the realization of a true Brett Ratner Film, as their pages full of "talking," "plot," and, "people doing things for realistic, motivated reasons" frequently undermines the movie playing in the auteur's head. It's a testament to his uncompromising dedication to his exacting vision that the final product gets as close as it does to faitfhully translating the split-second flashes of automobiles pirouetting through the air and suddenly bursting into flames that Ratner sees each time he closes his eyes.

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<![CDATA[First Look: 'Wolverine! The Musical']]>
ChocolateCakeCity.com, the people behind Brokeback to the Future, are back again with a trailer for X-Men-3: The Last Standing Ovation. It's the story of a loner mutant who, tormented by recurring flashbacks of showtune snippets and sparkly costumes, seeks to uncover the truth about his high-kicking, musical theater past. Will his retractable adamantium claws get in the way of mastering Fosse's exacting, jazz-hands-heavy choreography? Will he help Chorus Boy, a young mutant with amazing triple-threat gifts, work through his mutant-related issues? And, most importantly, will he make his second act finale costume change in time? The trailer offers few answers, so you'll have to suffer the interminable wait for its theatrical release to find out.

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<![CDATA[Wolverine Named Most Powerful Make-Believe Person In Hollywood]]> wolverine-powerlist - DefamerHaving exhausted nearly every permutation of that perennial entertainment publication chesnut, the Hollywood Power List, Entertainment Weekly has now turned to the realm of fictional players, rendering pop culture's most recognizable make-believe characters hopelessly insecure by assigning them meaningless, numbered potency rankings. And while Wolverine and his people can sleep tight knowing his mutant talents are very much appreciated, the Spongebob Squarepants and Deuce Bigalows of this world could find themselves frantically flipping pages, wondering how and when they let it all slip through their non-existent fingers:

"Wolverine is our pick for Hollywood's top character based on a devoted, built-in audience and early excitement over his planned solo flick, which could be out as soon as 2008," writes Tim Stack. [...]

Following Wolverine, in order, are Harry Potter, Spider-Man, Shrek, Robert Langdon (the main character of "The Da Vinci Code"), Jason Bourne ("The Bourne Identity" and "The Bourne Supremacy"), James Bond, Jigsaw (the villain of the "Saw" horror films), Bart Simpson and Madea (Tyler Perry's trash-talking grandmother).

In what has already shaped up to be a not-so-great week for the boy from Krypton in the confidence-building department, it can only add salt to the virility-questioning wounds when you've been out-charted by a tricycle-riding puppet and the world's lamest drag queen. We can only hope Superman doesn't resort to typical Kryptonian cattiness to get back at his more popular rival, by bitterly telling anyone who'll listen that he saw Wolverine changing at the Hollywood superhero gym, and that he has "back hair for days."

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<![CDATA[Monday Morning Box Office: Jen And Vince End Ratner's Reign]]> other-breakup.jpgEnjoy the weekend box office numbers, which are 67 percent less Ratnertastic than last week's troubling, record-shattering results.

1. The Break-Up—$38.1 million
On Friday, a Universal distribution executive seemed to hint that there was no such thing as a "Jennifer Aniston movie fan," as the studio was banking on "Vince Vaughn fans as well as the romantic comedy audience" to turn out for the opening weekend. Today, however, the existence of the Bigfoot-like group has been proven, as we doubt that the Vaughn/Rom-co ticket-buying block could have been responsible for the entire $38.1 million gross; we estimate that Anistonites must have chipped in at least $4-5 million of the take, camping out in packs of four to six people at multiplexes around the country, demonstrating their commitment to the star by wearing festive, rainbow-colored wigs representing the iconic "Rachel" hairstyle.

2. X-Men: The Last Stand—$34.35 million
Brett Ratner, the onetime King of Hollywood, has been unceremoniously dethroned by Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, but at least Ratner gained yet another record to hold over idol/inferior Steven Spielberg's head: the biggest post-Memorial Day weekend drop-off in history (67 percent). Let's see if he can still get a table at Hunan Cafe without a reservation once the proprietress hears about his ugly tumble from glory.

3. Over the Hedge—$20.6 million
Over the Hedge star Bruce Willis' Voice continues to enjoy the fruits of the movie's box office run, as Page Six will report tomorrow that it's engaged in a torrid, if age-inappropriate, phone-sex affair with Lindsay Lohan.

4. The Da Vinci Code—$19.3 million
Pleased that offending Catholics yielded some impressive worldwide grosses, Sony plans on a more inclusive approach for sequel Angels & Demons, hoping that a touch of Muslim-baiting will bring not only a fatwa against planned director Ron Howard, but a flood of moviegoers anxious to see what all the fuss is about.

5. Mission:Impossible III—$4.67 million
As a morale-boosting measure, Paramount emperor Brad Grey has installed a ticker above the lot's commissary that counts in real time how much more money M:i:III has made than Poseidon.

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<![CDATA[Brett Ratner Dabbles In Humility]]> ratner-spielberg.jpgBrett Ratner, newly crowned King of Hollywood, has mixed feelings about yanking idol Steven Spielberg from his box office throne and defenestrating him from the nearest palace window. Ratner "gamely attempted humility" about X-Men: The Last Stand's success in a chat with NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove, but we think you already know how his stab at sounding humble turned out:

"I feel sort of guilty, because I look up to guys like Spielberg, and I beat every record of his," the 37-year-old Ratner crowed - quietly and in good taste.

Steven Spielberg's 1997 sequel, "The Lost World: Jurassic Park," held the previous record of $92.7 million.

"He's like my idol," Ratner said. "Biggest Memorial Day opening in history - so that feels good."

Ratner was also basking in the afterglow of his reception at the Cannes Film Festival. "I walked in with Halle Berry. Everyone is in black tie, and they say, 'Eeetz Brett Ratner!' and everyone stands up and claps for you as you walk in. For a filmmaker, I don't think there's anything better. Other than maybe winning an award."

Sure, awards would be nice, but who needs the recognition of critics and peers when he's crushed "every record" of his hero by the tender age of 37 and already basked in the comically accented worship of the tuxedoed French? Standing at the edge of the Cannes red carpet and ignoring the quiet snorts of Eee theenks we're actually cheering for eeeem! Silleee sillee leetle man!, Ratner saw the breadth of his domain, and he wept for there were no more hacky worlds to conquer.

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<![CDATA[What Would You Say To Brett Ratner?]]> We imagine that $120 million was all the validation X-Men: The Last Stand director Brett Ratner needed for his superhumanly hacky vision, so a trip to the ongoing flame wars raging on his official messages board probably haven't shaken his faith in his work. And it's not like Ratner doesn't have defenders on his home turf—as you can see in the subject list, a fan (sadly, not CLove1000 ) declares that "All the anal retentive sexless Ratner haters can go to hell!", a sentiment which nicely balances the regrettably violent "I Want To Punch You In The Face" and the sodomy-flavored "You bent X-Men over...", two threads initiated after Ratner himself somewhat prematurely thanked his online community for "how supportive everyone has been."

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<![CDATA[Brett Ratner Impresses Famous Chicks With His Handiwork]]> Before he discovered that America would surge to the multiplexes in Memorial Day weekend record numbers to see how many cars he could blow up in a movie about mutants (answer: too many to count, as evildoing genetic freaks seem to have a nasty grudge against the automotive industry), X-Men: The Last Stand director Brett Ratner risked a grisly gutting by the replica Wolverine claws of disappointed fanboys by taking in public screenings at the Chinese Theatre on Thursday and Friday night. At the midnight Thursday showing, Ratner wisely brought some muscle, as a high-level Defamer operative shares this story:

My friends went to a midnight screening of X-men [Thursday] night at the Chinese and were talking about what a hack Brett Ratner [Ed.note—That's not a nice way to talk about the King of Hollywood, is it?] is before the movie started. A woman behind them interrupted their conversation to defend Ratner, saying he was a great director and they didn't know what they were talking about. Apparently she got all up in their grill. They didn't say anything because they were so shocked—the woman was Courtney Love. Apparently, Love's date was pretty embarrassed too, because he kept sinking down further and further in his chair. It was only after the screening that another audience member told them her date was Ratner himself.

Normally, a man like Ratner might feel somewhat emasculated by his date leaping to his protection, but in this case, that feeling was probably balanced by the relief that Love didn't jump over the seat and chew off the heckler's nose, causing an unnecessary distraction on his big night.

After the jump, another report of Ratner trying to impress a different ladyfriend with his movie the next night, this time without abuse or a neutering defense of his directing prowess:

After taking in a sold out show of X-Men 3 at Grauman's on opening [Friday] night my friends and I soon picked up an appearance by Balthazar Getty and Rebecca Gayheart as we stood outside the theater post-show. Suddenly the paparazzi showed up and we were left wondering why in God's name does anyone care about either of them. Before us appeared [Brett Ratner] himself accompanied by, gulp, Salma Hayek. As we contemplated our next move, by that I mean which bar to get drunk at, my friends and I witnessed a well-manicured Rat holding hands with a disheveled and unimpressive Salma as they jumped into their chauffeured SUV only to drive off into the night.


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<![CDATA[Trade Round-Up: Heathen Foreigners Continue To Mock Christians]]> · International audiences love boringly presented blasphemy, Brett Ratner: Da Vinci Code wins the foreign box office for the second week in a row with $90.9 million, while new release X-Men: The Last Stand rakes in $76.1 million. [Variety]
· CBS settles its lawsuit with Howard Stern and Sirius, with Stern's new satellite home paying CBS $2 million for rights to his radio archives, dashing our hopes that the affair would be settled by a winner-take-all match of anal ring toss between Les Moonves and Beetlejuice. [THR]
· The Palm d'Or goes to director Ken Loach for The Wind that Shakes the Barley, reminding us that films besides Da Vinci and X-Men screened at Cannes. [Variety]
· Studios looking past traditional promotional campaigns with fast food and soft drinks tie-ins this summer are joining up with less conventional marketing partners, like Superman Returns' risky, co-branded line of feminine hygiene products featuring Lois Lane's likeness. [THR]
· ABC and CBS make it easy for viewers to ignore their American Idol clones The One and Rock Star by scheduling them to face off in the same summer timeslot. [Variety]


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<![CDATA[Tuesday Morning Box Office: Brett Ratner, King Of Hollywood]]> You spent your three-day holiday weekend trying to relax, but you never really achieved that elusive calm, anxious that you'd have to wait another day for the box office numbers. Know peace:

1. X-Men: The Last Stand—three-day: $103.125 million (four-day: $120.125 million)
Last night, we had a very troubling dream, in which Brett Ratner, the hacky mutant director whose X-Men: The Last Stand shattered the Memorial Day weekend box office record, was officially crowned King of Hollywood.

His reign was not a benign one. In a gross abuse of his royal powers, Rush Hours 4-25 were immediately, unilaterally greenlit, as were Ratner-helmed remakes of Scarface, the first two Godfather films, and, puzzlingly, the Charlie Sheen/Emilio Estevez sanitation engineer masterpiece Men at Work. Populist directing legends Steven Spielberg and George Lucas were shackled and brought before the new King and made to feed him grapes, while more critically accepted peers Wes Anderson and Spike Jonze were publicly beaten to death with souvenir stand "Best Supporting Dad" Oscars in front of Ratner's Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. Then came perhaps the most surprising development, Ratner's establishment of an official religion in which it would be acceptable for him to enter into a polygamous union with longtime partner/mentor Robert Evans and a rotating stable of Romanian models. We never had him pegged for a religious guy, but there you have it.

We did not remain asleep long enough to see what the second day of King Ratner's nightmare monarchy held.

2. The Da Vinci Code—$34 million
Given the unforeseen events of the weekend, it's kind of hard to get worked up about Jesus knocking up Mary Magdalene or Tom Hanks' hair anymore, isn't it?

3. Over the Hedge—$26.875 million
Taking full advantage of its position following the success of Over the Hedge, Bruce Willis' voice has demanded a $1.5 million perk package for its next project, including a private jet allowance, a three-man personal security detail, a studio-comped nanny, and an on-set masseuse.

4. Mission:Impossible III—$6.6 million
While M:i:III's disappointing $115 million domestic total in four weeks of release has been viewed by many as a sign of Tom Cruise's declining stateside stardom, its impressive $163 million foreign box reveals that Cruise's international fan base's collective English skills are not developed enough for them to be turned off by the things he says when a tape recorder or television camera is pointed at him.

5. Poseidon—$5.53 million
The expected flock of international cruising enthusiasts hasn't yet materialized, but Warner Bros. is still optimistic that Poseidon will finally find its audience. They've realized that pinning their hopes for box office salvation on such a needlessly specific segment of the moviegoing public was the wrong approach, and will now cast a wider net by praying that anyone who has ever heard of water might eventually buy a ticket.

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<![CDATA[Trade Round-Up: Mutants Vs. Malediction On Memorial Day]]> xmen3-poster - Defamer· Variety leads with the story, "Will 'Code' erode?," which asks how X-Men: The Last Stand will fare at the box office this weekend opposite the still strong Da Vinci Code. Leading us to wonder out loud, "Does the mere posing of a question really qualify as a news story?" Or, for that matter, a lame trade round-up joke? [Variety]
· NBC's program-grid shell game has their competitors snickering behind their scrawny, fourth place ass. But it could well be they who laughs last, when Super Deal or No Deal, featuring a stadium of 1000 models holding briefcases containing amounts from $.01 to $1,000,000,000, devours the Thursday 6 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. time slot. [Variety]
· Canadian networks divvy up this year's American TV offerings, then frantically futz with their schedules in an adorable attempt at mimicking the habits of their neighbor to the south. [Variety]
· Morgan Freeman is close to signing on to Gone, Baby, Gone, Ben Affleck's directorial debut from a script he wrote, answering the age old question, "How many motorcycles does it take to get Morgan Freeman to star in your big comeback vehicle?" [THR]
· Les Moonves tells shareholders that CBS has gotten off to "a terrific start" since its divorce from Viacom, a less than subtle dig at rival Tom Freston. And somewhere in Heaven, the legend goes, the Angel of Corporate Honcho Harmony yelps in pain as a clump of wing feathers is instantly torn off. [THR]

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<![CDATA[Short Ends: Jared Leto Would Like The World To Know He Is 'As Gay As A Goose']]> leto-goose - Defamer· In an instant message interview with AOL Music today, Jared Leto announced to the world he's as "gay as a goose." He wisely waited until his fatty period was over, avoiding an embarrassing rejection by his new adoptive people.
· In further goose news, if you haven't seen this moment from last night's American Idol finale, in which one of their creepiest early rejects gets the panty-pooping shock of his life when Clay Aiken (who appears to have found a new best friend in Garnier Nutrisse) joins him on stage, well...you must. You simply must. And while we're at it, here's Kevin Covais, who's probably getting more puthy than you ever thought potthible, warbling through a Bacharach classic.
· And in even further goose news, we proudly present the following comic book movie headlines: "Superman' Director Bryan Singer Relates To Outcast Hero," and "The 'X-Men' come out."
· Our grandmother is a sexier, more coordinated dancer than Paris Hilton. Oh, and there's a nipple slip in there, which would really thrill and titillate us if we hadn't already been introduced to her clitoris on multiple occasions.

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<![CDATA[Hugh Jackman Uses Halle Berry As His Sailor-Teasing Bait]]> Just two days after Ryan Seacrest's ass was extricated from a collapsed glass coffee table by some extremely secure firemen, "musical competition-emceeing heartthrobs surrounded by hunks in uniform" week continues with this photo of Tony Awards host and X-Men: The Last Stand star Hugh Jackman, with co-stars Kelsey Grammer and Halle Berry, in a morale-raising PR stop aboard the USS Kearsarge. At one point, USA Today reports, Jackman told the crowd, "Not everyone can get their photo with Halle, [but] I do have Halle's phone number here." The ruse instantly served its purpose, with all 1500 voracious servicemen pouncing on Jackman at once in a chaotic attempt at collecting the exclusive digits. White pants, caps, and scarves flew every which way, until all that was left was a massive, groaning mound of twisted male limbs. Minutes later, a battered Jackman crawled out with a wholely satisfied look on his face, the crumpled, blank piece of paper still clutched in his sailor-sullied hands.


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<![CDATA[CGI Facial Rejuvenation Arrives Too Late To Save Faye Dunaway]]> dunaway-cannes - DefamerThe latest advancement in computer generated effects—a convincing reversal of the human aging process—is on display (spoiler alert) in an early scene of X-Men: The Last Stand, in which Ian McKellen's Magneto and Patrick Stewart's Prof. Xavier are rendered 20 years younger for a flashback. As McKellen raved to reporters in Cannes about the technique ("It's as brilliantly done as airbrushing in a magazine. You cannot tell the difference,"), director Brett Ratner fretted about how the powerful technology could possibly change showbiz forever:

"I'm scared for Hollywood, because A-list movie stars are going to be putting that in their contract. `I want 10 years taken off me.' This technology is unbelievable," said "X-Men: The Last Stand" director Brett Ratner. "It's like painting the lines out of your face. Why do people have to have plastic surgery, anymore? Just be in a movie and look flawless and perfect."

Sadly, had Faye Dunaway's career peaked only a quarter of a century later than it did, she too could have taken full advantage of the risk-free benefits of digital rejuvenation. Instead, she arrived at Cannes having taken 20 years off the old fashioned way: by storming into her plastic surgeon's office and ignoring his warning that the extreme overhaul she's demanding would make her look like Jessica Biel's terrifying aunt.

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