(Graphics created by Cheryl Campbell; click on image to enlarge)

Related: Harper's Index (March 2008) [Harper's]

Lindsay's Super Comeback [Harper's Bazaar]

Blonde Ambition: Tinsley Mortimer [Harper's Bazaar]

Earlier: The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: J. Lo's Diamonds, Giuliani And The Cougar Allure
The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: January 2008
•The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: December 2007
•The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: September 2007
•The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: August 2007
•The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: July 2007

Tom Beck, Deep Impact

President Lindberg, The Fifth Element

Mays Gilliam, Head of State

Duane Elizondo Camacho, Idiocracy

Douglass Dilman, The Man

David Palmer,24
Principled, dedicated man facing crazy, bomb-explodey times. Confounded by scheming wife. Sadly, he was assassinated after leaving office.

Wayne Palmer, 24
Principled, dedicated man facing crazy, bomb-explodey times. Confounded by his scheming, Cheney-esque VP. Not quite dead yet.

• The View [ABC.com]
• Previously: Hillary Clinton Gunning For Strategically Crucial 'The View' Endorsement [Defamer]

Ron Burkle, seen in the company of models like Gisele Bundchen since he separated from his wife, is a key member of Clinton's billionaire boy's club. (Former member: teen-massage-loving Jeffrey Epstein.) We don't really believe Hollywood's autumn rumor that the former president, notorious for receiving oral sex in the Oval Office, had entertained an actress on Ron Burkle's plane. (That was probably just an amalgam of Clinton's supposed affair with raunchy actress, Gina Gershon, and earlier pictures of the ex-president with girls on the Burklejet.)

Nobody really cares about Burkle's ties to foreign governments, apart from a few right-wing obsessives. It's Burkle's ties to pretty women that represent the real embarrassment, and threat to Bill Clinton's image as a reformed husband, or at least a more discreet reprobate. With Hillary Clinton in a battle for the Democratic nomination, her husband does not need a billionaire modelizer as a friend.

• WATCH VIDEO

But the moment has come when we have found that we have nothing left to say that can fit on a t-shirt. Plus, coming up with such pith is really tiring.

So we're selling out the rest of our t-shirts and then THERE WILL BE NO MORE. You know what that means: They'll become "collector's items" and nerds will keep them sealed in plastic bags for the future. We've even discounted all shirts to $17.99, and many sizes are already sold out. So buy them now, or forever hold your peace.

Looking for something a bit less spiteful? Take a look at our full catalog of shirts, including Yes, I'm Quietly Judging You, New York: If You Can Make It Here, You Must Have a Trust Fund, and Douché.

We have plenty of other shirts, too, including Yes, I'm Quietly Judging You, New York: If You Can Make It Here, You Must Have a Trust Fund, and I Hate Your Kids.

Douché [The Gawker Shop]

I really don't know how I feel about [a woman in the White House]. I see the positive parts of it. But, you know, I think there's something incredible about a First Lady. That, to me, is a woman in the White House. It's sort of like being parents to the United States, and she takes on the role of mother and confidante and care-giver. Standing behind every powerful man, there's a powerful woman...I don't want to say no, because that doesn't sound very open-mined. But do I want it to be Hillary? No, I don't think so.

Also, we learn Angie is married to a former football player with whom she likes to vacation in Las Vegas, was discovered by David Hasselhoff — "please don't make it sound cheesy, because that's not what it was" — wears silk pajamas that are lined in cashmere, took the stage during the Republican National Convention, loves to shop, would like to have another child but is "waiting on God," has a four-year-old daughter with a pet gecko that totally grosses her out although she is "confident that at any point she will be into Christian Louboutin instead of the lizard," and credits her high school cheerleading coach with instilling in her the confidence to realize she was "not a complete idiot."

Just because I'm friendly, and I like to guffaw when I laugh, and have a cold beer and hang out with my husband and my girlfriends, doesn't mean that I'm not just as intelligent as someone from, let's say, Manhattan.

Anyway, the writer, Amy Spencer, mysteriously fails to mention Fred Thompson, which could be because she, too, is just as intelligent as someone "from Manhattan," or more likely, because she asked Angie about the election and Angie was like, "huh? Oh no I was planning on endorsing Pat Tillman..."

(There is, of course, the inevitable reference to cynically pro-Britney legend Chris Crocker, who has forever changed the course of histrionic webcam confessionals.) Meanwhile, in another, quieter corner of YouTube, one inspired, prepubescent Report fan is doing what he can to keep the Colbert spirit alive while his favorite fictional TV host is out of work. Once he graduates the seventh grade, a scab job somewhere on Comedy Central surely awaits.

• Videologblog: Writers Strike (Colbert Report writers) [YouTube]
• Previously: Striking Writers Producing New Hit Series 'Not The Daily Show' In Curbside Studio [Defamer]

Looking for something full price? We have plenty of other shirts, too, including Douché, New York: If You Can Make It Here, You Must Have a Trust Fund, and I Hate Your Kids.

Yes, I'm Quietly Judging You [The Gawker Shop]

Though the sidewalk shoot progressed smoothly enough at first, their hypervigiliant Viacom bosses eventually caught wind of the guerrilla production, and in a move designed to show how seriously the company takes the staff's unauthorized actions, dispatched CEO Philipppe Dauman (who, weirdly, decided to adopt a pseudonym for the raid but didn't bother to change out of his instantly recognizable Monopoly Man ensemble) to disrupt the segment and reclaim the scripted material that is rightfully theirs.

• Not The Daily Show, With Some Writer [YouTube]

The whitey winner gets a pair of round-trip tickets to Portland, OR, the whitest city in America. You'll also get put up in Ace Hotel, which is kind of like the Bowery Hotel of Portland. Yay!

So what again do you have to do? This:

• Take a photograph of the Whitest kid you know being as white as he/she can possibly be.
• Have the Whitest Kid you know answer these three questions:
  1. What is a French Cuff, as it pertains to denim?
  2. What is your favorite Lil' Wayne lyric?
  3. Fairfield or Greenwich, and why?
  
• Send answers and photograph to WhitestKidContest@gawker.com
  
• Listen to some Jimmy Buffett and wait.

  Standard Contest Rules apply.

Looking for something cleaner? We have plenty of other shirts, too, including Yes, I'm Quietly Judging You and New York: If You Can Make It Here, You Must Have a Trust Fund.

Pure Filth ]The Gawker Shop]

Looking for something else? We have plenty of other shirts, too.

You're With Me, Leather [Wikipedia]
Yes I Am Quietly Judging You ]The Gawker Shop]

Is this shirt too cheery? We have plenty of other shirts for you to choose from, including I Hate Your Kids and It's Not Whoring If You Do It For Free.

Yes I Am Quietly Judging You ]The Gawker Shop]

Couldn't care less? We have plenty of other shirts for you to choose from, including I Hate Your Kids and Productively Lazy.

Save the Enzos ]The Gawker Shop]