Be excited for: Flash Forward, the new ABC mindbender about the Hoffs/Drawler Funeral Parlor, Joel McHale's comedy about community college, and a second season of Parks & Recreation. These are shows that the networks are pitching to ad folks as exciting members of their new fall lineup. My Name Is Earl might be canceled. So. He giveth, and He taketh away. [Variety]

Marcus Nispel, who directed that beautifully-filmed-but-scary-and-awful Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, is in talks to steer The Last Voyage of the Demeter, about the Bulgarian boat that Dracula is aboard and everyone dies. It's in Bram Stoker's book, which was based on Francis Ford Coppola's movie, I'm pretty sure. [Variety]

Warner Bros. has acquired the rights to Japanese manga series Death Note, which they plan to make into a live-action movie. The series is about a guy who gets a magical power which enables him to kill anyone just by writing their name down on a piece of paper. We hear Dick Cheney's a fan. [Variety]

I... hm. So? Well. Here's the— Eesh. OK. Hot Tub Time Machine. Is the name of a movie. And it's about exactly what it sounds like it's about. John Cusack and Rob Corddry are in it. And now so are Crispin Glover, Lizzie Kaplan, and Kings boombalottie Sebastian Stan. It's about old friends who travel back to 1987 in a magical hot tub. I guess it's like a throwbacky kinda comedy? 80's comedy pastiche/homage? About a time traveling hot tub? The world is maybe out of ideas? [THR]

Jim Carrey might star in The Beaver, that buzzed-about comedy about a guy who has a relationship with his beaver hand puppet. So Jim Carrey wouldn't be the beaver. Even though he looks like... Anyway, Jodie Foster might direct! [THR]

Oh how faaabulous. Barry Levinson is doing a movie about coming of age in 1960's Baltimore. It's totally not Liberty Heights! That was set in the 50's! [THR]

Congratulations. Your life's dream has been realized. Disney has renewed Wizards of Waverly Place for a third season, plus there's going to be a movie this summer. For those of you who would call star Selena Gomez a rat-faced menace, you people are just crazy. And for those of you who harbor illicit desires for that kid who plays her older brother, well... Happy May Day! Ha! [THR]

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At a press conference on Wednesday afternoon, Wizards of Waverly Place star Selena Gomez finally announced her decision to run for America's Teen Queen. In her speech, Gomez outlined numerous domestic policies including plans for cheaper lip-gloss, universal gift cards for Forever 21 and weekly Jonas Brothers concerts. During her speech, Gomez refrained from bashing her competitor, Miley Cyrus, even going as far as saying that Cyrus has taken some pretty cool photos, but cool photos aren't enough to lead America. At the end of her speech Gomez said, "We're going to go to the Teen Choice Awards! We're going to be on the Ryan Seacrest radio show, Tom Harkin! The Today Show! Live With Regis & Kelly! Robertson Blvd! The Morning Show With Mike & Julie! Raging Waters! And then we're going to take it all the way to MTV Music Awards and we're going to win! Burbank High football rules! YEAH!"

Photo Credit: Splash Pic

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Lindsay Lohan v. Hilary Duff: As silly, catty and pointless as the battle for waste of space Aaron Carter was back in 2003, freckle-faced Lindsay Lohan and healthy Hilary Duff spent years exchanging passive-aggressive jabs aimed at each other via bad songs, magazine interviews, and of course, endless false claims that things were Totally Cool! between the two. The feud was memorably spoofed in this 2004 SNL clip in which Lindsay assures the world there's no truth to her feuds with Duff (as portrayed by Rachel Dratch).

Lauren Conrad v. Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad vs. Heidi Montag: After spending a few shameful years with our eyes glued to the insanely gorgeous cast of MTV's Laguna Beach, the series ended its wildly successful run with a focus on the brewing animosity between good girl LC and bad girl with bigger boobs Kristin Cavallari. Over an irritatingly boring boy, of course. But Lauren Conrad's girl trouble didn't stop there. Along with the rumored cat pee-based tension between Lauren and silicone-enhanced roommate Audrina Patridge on The Hills, the entire point of the show has always circled around her hatred of hip hop star/runaway bride of Frankenstein, Heidi Montag. High-pitched screaming fights both seen on-camera and gossiped about endlessly off-camera, have been reported for what feels like centuries. And yet, and yet...how to look away?

Shannen Doherty v. Entire Beverly Hills: 90210 Cast: Doherty landed the career-changing part of Brenda Walsh in 1990 at the age of 19, and almost as soon as the epic series wrapped its first few episodes, rumors were rampant that her on-screen catty demeanor was not a result of magnificent acting. After just four years, Brenda’s character was shipped off to Paris and replaced by the sexier Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Why? Long story short, Doherty made a series of bizarre decisions off-camera: trashing hotel rooms, adding two quickie marriages followed by two quickie divorces to her personal resume, giving paparazzi the bird, and most memorably, appearing in uncomfortably unsexy nudie spreads in Playboy.

• DISNEY STAR SELENA GOMEZ: I'M NOT FEUDING WITH MILEY [People]