Before Bartha, Ashley was most recently linked to one ball wonder Lance Armstrong; prior to the bit part actor/bicyclist, the working twin had dalliances with Jared Leto before Lindsay Lohan stole him away. Most curiously, perhaps, was her brief sting dating the Prince of Annoyingness Wilmer Valderrama. The only pattern we see for our Ashley is the common presence of blue eyes (minus Wilmer), a solid but not intimidating bad boy rap sheet (minus Bartha, far as we know), and a general goal of dating the most random Hollywood outcasts in town. Were we not so envious of her newest paramour, we'd quite possibly applaud her diverse taste, even with Wilmer in the pack. Jared will always be Jordan Catalano in our eyes, no matter how much makeup he piles on.

MK has a wildly different (and yet unnervingly similar!) pattern of her own. Currently dating euro billionaire Lapo Elkann, the prunier Olsen counts artist/Uma Thurman cousin Max Snow and every Hollywood bimbo’s favorite throwaway make-out partner Stavros Niarchos among her ex-boyfriends. It seems MK’s requirements include long, mangy hair, an incredibly ambiguous “career” despite being labeled heirs, and guys who are afraid of showers. In the end, we get the sense that the more pragmatic and naive Ashley tends to chase after those who shoot excellent game and resemble knights in latex/guylighter/hair gelled armor, while MK has a far more pointed system: the dirtier, sleazier, greasier, and potentially damaging boys feed (hey, something has to feed her) her masochistic mania. Analysis complete.

[Photo credits: Wireimage]

• THEY CAN'T HIDE FROM US [NYP]

As one source tells the Daily Mail, "They're definitely dating. It's been going on for a long time now - they've been together casually for about a year." And just in case this alleged source is not to be trusted (as per usual), we always have Momager/Pimp extraordinaire Dina Lohan to chip in her two cents (again, as per usual): "Lindsay's mother Dina appears to have given the 30-year-old...her seal of approval. She said: 'Samantha's a sweetheart. She's great – and she's the best spinner around.'" Oh, Dina. Spinner? Really? Well, at least she didn't say "wheels of steel"...

As for the Post, they've decided this "relationship" is one of the smartest public image improvements Lindsay's made in years. And we have to agree with their point: these days, being a full-out lesbian is far cooler than dating Greek heirs and annoying has-beens with names like Wilmer. Girl-on-girl hickies top greasy reality show host fuck-and-tellers any day.

[Photo credit: Splash]

• SO IN LOVE? LINDSAY LOHAN AND SAMANTHA RONSON TAKE THEIR 'ROMANCE' TO NEW YORK [Daily Mail]
• LINDSAY LOHAN BRINGS LESBIAN CHIC TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL [NYP]

boomp3.com

Times must be tough for Wilmer Valderrama if he's second-guessing how much change he has to put into the meter. Why can't all parking be free and/or validated?

[Photo Credit: Fly Net Pictures]

Thing You Don't Know About Women #1: "PMS is not a lame excuse to be able to yell at you. It's a great excuse."
Who It's About: John Mayer. Wouldn't you want an excuse to yell at him, too?

Thing You Don't Know About Women #2: "We really can pump our own gas. It's just that we've got this fantasy of you as a '30s-era full-service station attendant. You'd look so cute in the hat."
Who It's About: Patrick Wilson. He would look cute in any hat. Or without any hat. Or without any clothes...

Thing You Don't Know About Women #3: "We're not complimented when you call your ex a slut. She dated you, too. So what are we?"
Who It's About: Carson Daly. He was engaged to Tara Reid. Nuff said!

Thing You Don't Know About Women #4: "We're smart enough to know that smell is always the dog."
Who It's About: Craig Ferguson. He looks gassy.

Thing You Don't Know About Women #5: "Yes, we can dish it out."
Who It's About: Wilmer Valderrama. He was probably skeezing on other starlets all the time (see Lohan, Lindsay; Moore, Mandy) and deserved a stern talking to.

Thing You Don't Know About Women #6: "No, we can't take it."
Who It's About: Wilmer again. Bet he has a sass mouth.

Thing You Don't Know About Women #7: "We want to raise children. We just don't want you to be one of them."
Who It's About: LFO's Rich Cronin, solely because he was behind the lyrics: "New Kids On The Block, had a bunch of hits/ Chinese food makes me sick." Those had to be written by someone with the mentality of a seven year old.

Thing You Don't Know About Women #8: Women are meant to talk and men to listen. We don't want to be fixed; we want to be heard.
Who It's About: Kip Pardue. The insouciant smirk always plastered to his face makes us think he wouldn't be the best listener.

Thing You Don't Know About Women #9: "When we ask if you've had any work done, it's because we want to know what our kids will really look like."
Who It's About: Carson Daly. Have you seen his face recently? He looks like an entirely different person.

Thing You Don't Know About Women #10: "When we ask you how we look, it's okay to lie; when we ask you how she looks, you better lie."
Who It's About: Ross McCall. This is advice he should keep with him for the future.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: 10 Things You Don't Know About Women [Esquire]
Jennifer Love Hewitt [Who's Dated Who]

Earlier: The Esquire Map To...Minnie Driver's Dating Life
Women We Love

In today's episode: Diane Lane; Katherine Heigl, Josh Kelley, and Sara Ramirez; Kirsten Dunst; Alex Trebek; Cynthia Nixon and Rob Schneider; Rose McGowan; Jonah Hill; Dominic Monaghan; Alice Cooper; Wilmer Valderrama; Rich Sommer; and Blake Lewis.

· 12/8 - Diane Lane and daughter, both looking lovely with similar pixie cuts, braving the holiday madness at the Century City mall Saturday evening. I immediately started searching to see if hubby Josh Brolin was around - damn that man is having a fantastic year - but sadly he was nowhere to be seen.

· Walking out of the Variety screening of JUNO at the Arclight on Tuesday, I saw Katherine Heigl (with Josh Kelley) and Sara Ramirez (with unnamed man). It looked like they were double dating. Sara was thinner than I expected but it was incredibly refreshing to see two working actresses who wouldn't fall over if a stiff breeze came along.

· I saw Kirsten Dunst at the Arclight around 4:30 pm on Saturday, December 8th. No make-up on, looks exactly like you'd think she would. Not very tall and she was in heels. Very thin and absolutely no butt to speak of. She was with an older producer-type gentleman. Thought they'd head in to the theaters, but they made their way up the ramp towards the restaurant. I mentioned that they could've picked a better place to eat to my friend, to which she responded, "She doesn't eat."

· Friday, December 7th at 12:45 p.m. fellow-Canuck, Alex Trebek at the Sherman Oaks Galleria on Ventura Blvd. God only knows what the Canadian Quizmaster was doing in that pathetic excuse for a mall; then again I was headed to Paul Mitchell. The gent was sporting two nondescript brown-paper shopping bags; sans adequate labeling for further prying eyes. Maybe PF Chang's takeout - so ending the mystery once and for all.

· It seemed like a slow Monday night at Chinois on Main in Santa Monica until Cynthia Nixon and two other dykish gals walked in for a bite. Shortly after Rob Schneider and a group of 3 came in as well. I'm sure they all ordered the fish!

· And in the random sighting of the month, saw Rose McGowan in the Aaron Brothers framing outlet on Sunset and Western, Sunday afternoon.

· Dec 9 - Mr. Superbad Jonah Hill entertaining a table of Los Feliz's finest hipsters...recomended: half pastrami and half franch dip.

· On Tuesday, December 10 I went to the Blick Art Store on Beverly Blvd. to pick up some molding hooks. Walked in and spied Now-Dead Lostaway & Hobbit Dominic Monaghan waiting in line to purchase spraypaint. When he finally got to an available cash register to pay, the cashier gal (who clearly had no idea who he was) saw the spraypaint, looked at him, and asked if he was eighteen. His reply? "I have a beard!" Awesome exchange to see, especially knowing that now-unemployed Dominic is either a tagger or a huffer.

· Funny sighting sunday at the Rose Bowl flea market... Alice Cooper, accompanied by a cute young woman (a daughter maybe?). They were very cool, and super nice to the dealer..but here's the funny part: they were debating between buying a box of "Jesus Wheaties" or a box of "Hitler-O's". Some kind of vintage gag cereal items, I guess. They ultimately went with the Hitler-O's. And they didn't even haggle over the price. Oh and Alice looks pretty good, for being like 200 yrs old.

· Saturday 12/8 I spotted Fez aka Wilmer "i like young thangs" Valderrama at the Bev Center with a gaggle of teenage darlings sporting the various requisite westside teen uniform of leggings, newsboy caps, and handbags that are five times bigger than their heads. ok so i wear that crap too but i drive a camry and they probably drive range rovers. color me jealous.

· 12/8/07 - Saw Rich Sommer ("Harry Crane" from "Mad Men" and "Other Guy" from "Devil Wears Prada") at the Ralph's at Burbank and Van Nuys, buying a wee half-pint of store-brand heavy cream (which he carried out in-hand...perhaps too eco-conscious to take a bag for one item...or just very proud of his purchase). I don't think I've ever actually seen anyone buy heavy cream, even out here in the backwater Valley. He looked thinner than on TV, though, so the cream isn't doing any damage, I guess. He was alone, sort of distracted and fidgety, wearing glasses, and very, very tall.

· At LaLa's on Melrose Saturday night (12/8) and who should boisterously enter and sit down at the table next to us? American Idol runner-up Blake Lewis, of course. He acted as though he really wanted to be recognized. However, I saw no fan approaches. Sorry Blake, maybe you'll read this and feel better.

Wilmer Valderrama and America Ferrara were spotted sipping Hennessy cocktails at the official after party for the Imagen Awards Saturday night."

FremantleMedia North America (FMNA), producers of some of television's most successful brands including "American Idol," "America's Got Talent" and "The Price Is Right," has inked a first-look deal with Wilmer Valderrama and his WV Enterprises (WVE) to develop and launch future series concepts on a global scale. [...]

"We're very pleased to be working with the talented tour de force better known as Wilmer Valderrama," says [FMNA CEO Cecile] Frot-Coutaz. "He and [partner] Danny [Villa] are very gifted producers with a keen sensibility for entertaining content that appeals to their generation. We look forward to creating great projects together."

Admittedly, we don't share Valderrama's impressive professional background of playing fourth-wheel characters on a longrunning Fox sitcom, so we aren't even going to pretend to know what "future series concepts on a global scale" means. Franchising Yo Momma internationally strikes us as a logical place for FezMantle productions to start, however, as its hopeful, universal message of using hyperbolic statements regarding the obesity of the enemy's mother—not guns—could lay the blueprint for world peace.

For those of you who just can't get enough details about this exciting venture, the entire press release is after the jump.

• [FremantleMedia.com]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE May 1, 2007

FREMANTLEMEDIA NORTH AMERICA SIGNS
FIRST-LOOK DEAL WITH WILMER VALDERRAMA

"American Idol" Producer Teams Up With Valderrama's WV Enterprises
For Future Scripted and Unscripted Projects

BURBANK, CA - FremantleMedia North America (FMNA), producers of some of television's most successful brands including "American Idol," "America's Got Talent" and "The Price Is Right," has inked a first-look deal with Wilmer Valderrama and his WV Enterprises (WVE) to develop and launch future series concepts on a global scale, it was announced today by Cecile Frot-Coutaz, CEO of FMNA. Valderrama, who will serve as executive producer and may star in certain projects, will set up offices in FMNA's corporate headquarters in Burbank, California, along with producing partner Danny Villa, who prior to joining WVE served as director of talent and series development at MTV.

"We're very pleased to be working with the talented tour de force better known as Wilmer Valderrama," says Frot-Coutaz. "He and Danny are very gifted producers with a keen sensibility for entertaining content that appeals to their generation. We look forward to creating great projects together."

"I'm thrilled to partner up with such a groundbreaking company as FremantleMedia, and to share ideas for new and original concepts that promise to be influential for not only youth but for all demographics around the world," says Valderrama.

Best known for his role as 'Fez' on the hit series "That 70's Show," Valderrama most recently starred opposite Ethan Hawke and Patricia Arquette in Fox Searchlight's "Fast Food Nation" directed by Richard Linklater. He is also the creator, producer and host of the hit MTV show, "Yo Momma," now in its third season. Additionally, he is currently starring as the voice of Latino hero 'Manny Garcia' in "Handy Manny," an animated series on The Disney Channel.

Valderrama is attached to star in the feature film version of "CHiPs" for Warner Bros., in which he'll reprise the role of 'Ponch' from the classic television series. His production company, WV Enterprises, is currently developing "PartyBuddys" with Universal Pictures, based on the life stories of James King and Jason Roefaro who founded the New York company of the same name which offers its clients a type of fast-pass to a celebrity lifestyle for a night. Other film credits include the 2006 Warner Bros. holiday feature "Unaccompanied Minors," the Sundance 2006 hit "The Darwin Awards," and the indie film "El Muerto".
(more)

FremantleMedia North America (FMNA) is a division of global media giant FremantleMedia, one of the largest international creators and producers of program brands in the world. Based in Burbank, California, FMNA currently produces some of the most innovative and highest-rated entertainment on television, including the multiple Emmy-nominated musical/reality phenomenon "American Idol" for Fox, "America's Got Talent" and "Thank God You're Here" for NBC, "American Inventor" for ABC, "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency" for Oxygen, "Property Ladder" for TLC, "Monarch Cove" for Lifetime, the daily syndicated "Family Feud", and the longest-running game show in television history, "The Price Is Right" for CBS.

FremantleMedia is the production arm of the RTL Group, Europe's largest television and radio broadcast company. With interests in 34 television channels and 30 radio stations in 11 countries, RTL Group is a division of leading integrated media and entertainment company, Bertelsmann AG.

Oh-ho the mistletoe hung in Wilmer's jeans

Really, what better way to kick off the holiday season?

Have Yourself a Merry Lohan Christmas! [Best Week Ever]

THR, Esq. reports that photographer Jodi Cobb is suing Geisha House, the Hollywood eatery owned by Big Brother All Stars winner/Jack Shack proprietor Mike "Boogie" Malin and B-list restaurateurs Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valderrama, for the establishment's alleged liberal, unpaid use of her geisha photography in their decor and marketing materials. Geisha House's management counters that they're not so much "stealing" her images as "knocking them off so they don't have to pay":

[Geisha House proprietor Lonnie] Moore, who is represented by Geoffrey Gold of Rutter Hobbs & Davidoff, said the lips photographs featured in the restaurant are not the actual "Lips" photograph by Cobb. The restaurant had tried to work with Cobb to use her photograph, but "she wanted too much money," Moore said. So the restaurant created its own version of the photograph.

"It's similar, but it's different," Moore said, adding that various elements of the picture, including the angle, the lighting and color, are different from Cobb's version. [...]

Moore said he doesn't see the reproduction of Cobb's work as damaging to her reputation. If anything, he believes they benefit her.

"It actually makes her more well known," he said. "It's the ultimate respect and we're showing reverence for her. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery."

This all seems like nothing more than a simple misunderstanding of how celebrity-backed enterprises remunerate their business associates. Once someone explains that Cobb will become wealthy beyond her wildest dreams when a Geisha House flack tips Page Six that Valderrama was caught digitally penetrating (or "canoodling," in the tabloid parlance) an Olsen twin beneath a reproduction of one of her conspicuously attributed photos, we're sure she'll quickly drop the suit as other restaurants come clamoring to work with the hottest photographer in town.

• Photographer Alleges Geisha House Photos Infringe [THR ESQ]

Universal Pictures has optioned the rights to the comedy "PartyBuddys" for Valderrama to produce as a possible starring vehicle.

The project is based on the life stories of James King and Jason Roefaro, who founded the New York company PartyBuddys, which offers its clients a type of fast-pass to a celebrity lifestyle for a night. Clients can get VIP treatment at clubs with the help of a savvy PartyBuddy, plus be shadowed by pseudo-bodyguards and fake paparazzi.

It's a tantalizing proposition: A fairy godmother-style small business that, by simply meeting their quote, provides you with your very own fedora and set of Mastersons to round out the "I'm a complete asshole" fantasy you've long dreamt of fulfilling. Of course, high rollers might allow themselves to be upsold to the deluxe package, which includes a virginal Mandy Moore-type waiting to be deflowered in a Range Rover parked in a back alley.

• Valderrama plans "Party" with Universal [THR]

WILMER VALDERRAMA MAKES SINGING AND DIRECTORIAL DEBUT WITH MUSIC VIDEO FOR NEW DISNEY CHANNEL ANIMATED SERIES, "HANDY MANNY"

— Valderrama's Six Year Old Brother, Christian Valderrama Makes Acting Debut in the Video —

BURBANK, August 8, 2006 — Wilmer Valderrama makes his singing and directorial debut in a music video for Disney Channel's new multicultural animated series "Handy Manny" which stars Valderrama in the title role of Manny Garcia, a cheerful handyman, who, along with his eccentric team of trusty tools, is always available to help others. Valderrama's six- year-old brother, Christian Valderrama, makes his acting debut alongside his big brother in the music video, which is set to premiere on THURSDAY, AUGUST 24 during Disney Channel's learning-focused Playhouse Disney programming block (6:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m. ET/PT).

It's a testament to Valderrama's viability as a versatile, one-man brand that he can now add to his ever-lengthening resume, right beneath "Latin-stereotype sitcom sidekick" and "Latin-stereotype action star (pending)," the impressive credit of "Latin-stereotype childrens' music video star/director," managing to boldy dip a toe into Hollywood's nepotism-friendly waters while he was at it.

• Press Release of the Day: Is There Anything That Talented Wilmer Valderrama Can't Do? [FranklinAvenue]

As anyone who has worked on the [CBS] Radford lot might know, Wilmer Valderrama's parking space name plate was "Donkey Punch." If you're going to beat your girlfriend in the head while "at the peak of your passionate lovemaking," you might as well advertise to your co-stars, the writing staff, and the lot's security department.

While we certainly wouldn't accuse Valderrama of being involved in a DonkeyPunchGate, this revelation will at the very least make us reevaluate our former belief (based on his reputation as a leading devirginizer of local starlets) that he must be an exceptionally gentle lover. It's always painful to lose one's illusions, isn't it?

UPDATE: We are ashamed to admit a failure in Donkey Punch intel, as a couple of readers have pointed out that it was Danny Masterson, not That 70s Show pal Valderrama, who had the nameplate. (It's also his DJ name, apparently.) We regret the error and encourage you to adjust your opinions of both actors' sex lives accordingly.

• Blind Items We Don't Want To Solve: Donkey Punch Edition [Defamer]

Despite his reputation for being a man about town, sauntering up red carpets, downing shots of Patrón at the hottest hot spots, "I'm really focusing on the next chapter of my life," he said. "I've got to keep growing as an entertainer, keep challenging myself." [...]

That afternoon, Mr. Valderrama, dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt and smelling of the cologne Drakkar Noir, was quite willing to discuss the women he has dated over the years. Mandy Moore was "the first love of my life," he said. "I was madly in love with her. She is one of the most wonderful women I've ever met; a real lady." He and his Ms. (Lindsay) Lohan, meanwhile, "had a really passionate relationship," he said. "There were so many factors that played into our breakup. We needed to do a lot of growing up on our own."

Clearly something is drawing "real ladies" like Moore (and, um, "other" types like Lohan) to the actor; could it be the bewitching fragrance associated with so many an 8th grade social bathroom preparation ritual known as Drakkar Noir? We fear LA's velvet rope mafia is about to be infested with an army of Valderwannabes, reeking of the popular 1980s cologne, Polo collars flipped up and Vuarnets resting precariously on their heads, hoping to capture just a little of Hollywood's most charmed Venezuelan's lightning in a bottle.

• Talkin' Trash With Wilmer Valderamma (sic), Creator of MTV's 'Yo Momma' [NY Times]
• Previously: Wilmer Valderrama Lets Howard Stern's Listeners In On A Big Secret [Defamer]

When Wilmer claimed that he took Mandy’s virginity, Howard wondered if sex with her was difficult at first. Wilmer told Howard that the sex was “really good” with Mandy, but also acknowledged that it wasn’t “like warm apple pie.” [...]

Howard said that he had a list of women with whom Wilmer allegedly has had sex and wanted his thoughts on each of them. The first name Howard mentioned was Jennifer Love Hewitt, who Wilmer replied “was an eight.” [...]

Because of the number of A-Listers on Wilmer’s list of sexual partners, Howard asked him if he’s well-endowed. Wilmer responded that he’s “been blessed” in that department, before saying that his penis is more than eight inches long.

And here we were accepting at face value that Valderrama ascended to the King of A-list Poontang throne by remaining "grounded and grateful for his success." Little did we realize the success he was so humbly referring to had nothing to do with his career, and everything to do with the blushed whispers shared between Hollywood starlets about the oversized dimensions of his Venezuelan man-trophy.

• FROM VENEZUELA TO STARDOM [HowardStern.com]
• Previously: Valderrama, Audiences Face Challenge With His Role In CHiPs [Defamer]

He says he expects the Highway Patrol cop story to be something so explosive that it will propel him to above-the-title status for good. "It's one of those things where [I'm like], 'OK, this is a different time now,' " said the actor, who will play Ponch and start shooting in the spring. "For me the challenge is ... how does a sidekick for eight years on a sitcom go from that to a leading man?"

We'll refrain from offering the easy answer (Everyone together now: "He doesn't!" Feel better?) and instead focus on the fact that while Valderrama may be ready for his leap to the big screen, audiences very well may not be, especially when they realize they are in for a straight up, 100-minute, darkened-theater dose of giant Valderrama, minus the trusty Wilmer-filtering devices of remote controls and regular commercial breaks.

• Movie File [MTV News]
• Previously: Fez Does Ponch [Defamer]

• Valderrama saddles up for 'CHiPs' [THR]