20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

Oh, but for the good old days, we're learning as the all-knowing National Enquirer — your trusted (and print-only in this case, we're afraid) oracle for anonymously sourced Foster's Splitsville drama — now reports that the actress's romantic reboot may cost her a quarter of her fortune. Or, adjusted roughly for inflation, $25 million:

Over the summer, however, Jodie began to realize just how much was at stake financially. ... The actress has an estimated net worth of $100 million, with at least $50 million being earned during her relationship with Cydney. Cydney could ask for — and likely get — half of the $50 million if she sued Jodie.

To counter that threat, the source says Jodie is desperately trying to keep peace between her new lover and Cydney. "She wants them to be friends," the source said. "Jodie realizes that if Cydney perceives them to be one big happy family, she'd never sure for half her assets."

And what signifies a "big happy family"? Free residency for Bernard at one of Foster's homes in LA, for starters, followed by invitations to "parties and barbecues" to visit Foster's sons Charles and Kit. And, of course, a classically Foster-esque buyout that we'll likely never know about, requiring a yearly six-figure annuity and the contractual divestiture of Foster's beloved, Scorsese-signed Taxi Driver one-sheet to Bernard's lawyers "just for the hell of it." A tough break, to be sure — perhaps the star's toughest yet. But for a younger woman and anything else worth having, pay now or pay later; we just hope this doesn't necessitate Nim's Island 2.

Sigh. So what does it all mean for you, the weary, woebegone gossip consumer? Join us after the jump for a bit of scorecard updating.

First off, A-Rod's estranged wife was at the courthouse when it opened this morning — and we thought we had Fourth of July hangovers:

"The marriage of the parties is irretrievably broken because of the husband's extramarital affairs and other marital misconduct," according to Cynthia Rodriguez's petition for dissolution of marriage, filed in the family division of Miami-Dade County Circuit Court. ...

"The petitioner has exhausted every effort to salvage the marriage of the parties," Cynthia Rodriguez said in the filing. "However, Alex has emotionally abandoned his wife and children and has left her with no choice but to divorce him."

The couple's 2002 prenup apparently protects Rodriguez's fortune (his current 10-year contract is worth up to $305 million), but we're hearing he's evidently got nothing on the investment planners at Madonna/Ritchie Inc.:

Well-placed sources tell us the Ritchies plan to officially split in November or December — after the Mrs.' upcoming Sticky and Sweet world tour. Why? Big bucks. The concerts are expected to earn close to $300 mil worldwide, and they've decided to ear mark that to provide for their three children's future. ...

There is a whole PR strategy that has been in place for some time. We're told the Material Girl will be "very visible" in the months leading up to the tour to "generate a lot of publicity." That's when "news" of the marriage's demise would slowly leak out, causing tongues to wag — and Madonna to be on the cover of papers and mags around the world.

Ritchie has his latest B-thriller, Rocknrolla, on the way as well — for what that's worth. And as for rumored C-Rod love interest Kravitz? His pre-holiday denial stands: He's still just hosting her in Paris. Sigh again. But Kravitz has been out of the spotlight since Baptism, we guess; we'd charge her extra for the big room if we were him.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• A-Rod's wife files for divorce, alleges infidelity, 'other marital misconduct' [ESPN]
• Madonna and Guy Want You to Buy the Hype [TMZ]

· Towards the end of June, reports started surfacing that Madonna and Guy Ritchie were getting a divorce.

· Soon after, it came out that Madonna was having an affair with A-Rod, a married baseball player on the much-hated Yankees. Madonna's publicist issued a denial, which means that it's totally true.

· Then, it was reported that A-Rod's wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, was "spending a lot of time" with Lenny Kravitz, who, coincidentally, has also banged Madonna.

· And to top it all off, today, announcements surfaced that A-Rod and his wife were separating, thereby adding credence to both the Madonna rumors and the Lenny Kravitz rumors.

See, it's not that complicated after all. And it looks like everybody's getting what they want in the end. Madonna's got A-Rod, C-Rod's got Lenny Kravitz, and Guy Ritchie... well, he's got his mildly successful film career. Hooray!

The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively that the Oscar winner's new love is brunette Cindy Mort, a producer and screenwriter she met on the set of her 2007 film The Brave One.

The 47-year-old star's new squeeze is the former partner of thirtysomething actress Melanie Mayron — with whom she has two children!

Meanwhile, 55-year-old Cydney Bernard is still living with Jodie but their romance is over, say sources. [...]

To complicate matters, Cindy, 51, remains friends with her ex-partner Melanie — and the two women live in separate houses on the same Los Angeles street.

Jodie plans to move into one of [Mort's] Hollywood homes full-time, and ex-Cydney will live in another, disclosed a source close to Jodie.

Confused? We'd recommend taking a cue from The L Word's opening credits, and drawing a map on a dry-erase board plotting every prop penis, French bulldog visitation, and joint Home Depot credit card application to emerge from this all-lady love-parallelogram.

• JODIE FOSTER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND [Enquirer]

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