• The first apology is in in Polanski World '09. Not quite an apology actually, just a clarification. Whoopi Goldberg started out today's episode of The View by clarifying that when she said the original charge was not "rape rape" she explains, sort of, she was not attempting to brush away the charges but was making a distinction between rape and child molestation, and then she changed the subject to clear up bizarre talk that she herself had been molested.

• In perhaps the most pompous dismissal yet of these little people and their ridiculous child rape fears, legendary film critic/hero to film students everywhere, Jonathan Rosenbaum posted the following statement on his blog under the header: On the Arrest of Roman Polanski, "American lynch mobs never die; they only become more self-righteous about their savagery."

• Charter Board Member of the No Such Thing As Bad Publicity Association Brett Ratner has promptly injected himself into the melee, saying he would like to make a sequel to last year's Polanski documentary.

• In case anyone was worried that the public wouldn't have an opportunity to go over in minute detail every element of the molestation, America's media is stepping up to the plate with a refresher course. abcnews.com among others have sprung to action, satifsying the public right to know with extensive excerpts from victim Samantha Grenier's graphic 1977 grand jury testimony.

• The Polanski legal team has brought a big and well-connected gun on board: Reid Weingarten, best known as a close personal friend of Attorney General Eric Holder.

• And across the web, the outrage is boiling over towards Polanski's entertainment industry defenders.

And we've still got miles and miles to go before Roman sleeps!

P.S.



P.P.S.

Lyons was joined by his At the Movies co-conspirator, Ben Mankiewicz, to walk the ladies through their Oscar prognostications. Here is the short version: Ben M. loves Marisa Tomei, on account of her breasts, and Ben L. loves Christopher Nolan and Slumdog Millionaire hottie Freida Pinto, neither of which are nominated. Also, Joy Behar hates The Reader. HATES it. If The Reader were, say, a perky blond co-host, she would scream at it, "I will burn you down," because of the hatred.

Also enjoyable: when the Bens are asked whether there's ever been a tie between actors at the Oscars (there has, famously), and they both sit there awkwardly drawing a blank until Whoopi Goldberg saves them. Guess they haven't added that trivia to the Scene It? Box Office Smash DLC yet.

• The View [ABC]

No, the strangely warm conversation between the liberal comic and the conservative shouting head was most confrontational on the topic of Helen Thomas, whom O'Reilly had compared on his Fox News Channel show to the "Wicked Witch of the East" from Wizard of Oz. "If you're going to do a little humor, learn how to do it," Goldberg said. Zing!

Goldberg may have devised the most realistic strategy yet for effectively arguing with O'Reilly on his notoriously hostile show: hold your tongue. She endured absurd, delusional O'Reillyisms like the "bottom rung" comment and the assertion that O'Reilly understands "the Barack Obama phenomenon better than anyone else in this country." Her reward for ignoring this bait was the chance to make the point she was prepared to make, and the one that would most effectively rebut her host.

[via HuffPo]

Until then, however, we'll just have to continue admiring them from afar. On today's show, the subject of that much-circulated image of Michael Phelps diving into a bong came up, prompting Whoopi Goldberg to admit, "I have smoked weed." It was an admission the audience wasn't quite sure what to do with at first, eliciting a nebulous sound half-way between a wheeze and a yawn; then the High Times subscribers among them finally shook out of their stupor to applaud the co-host's candor. Joy was instantly on board with a sardonic, "Shocking." But keep an eye on Sherri's reaction, who remains locked in a disapproving death-stare that all but reads, "Well that's the last time I dump my kids off at your house to go on a date with Jeremy Piven." [The View]

Still, the noted flat-Earther is far from a flat-chester, and she admirably did her best to keep things under control as The Biggest Loser trainer Jillian Michaels commanded her to bounce up and down. Seeing the potential for disaster (things on set are still skittish since the time Andy Dick reached for a donut backstage and accidentally punched Barbara Walters unconscious), the Whoopster leaped into action, swiftly securing Shepherd's assets with an exercise bungee. Aerobic professionals are applauding her calm decisiveness in averting this potential disaster, and while surviving audience members where shaken, they were mainly just thankful to Goldberg for having saved their lives. [The View]

Yes, apparently Smith was a YouTube sensation that year for a rendition of Dreamgirls' "And I Am Telling You" that saw the performer hone his trademark: take an iconic song closely identified with a female singer, then choke, stomp and stretch every word until it lies sputtering on the ground (at which point a belted out glory note will presage a final, finishing Ram Jam). View producers booked him then and produced the clip today for a panel of co-hosts who had completely blocked him out of their minds. After being forced to sit through an encore while horrified thought bubbles of "We booked that?" floated above their heads, we can assume the forgetting was a survival technique. It is a rare day indeed that we agree with the opinions of the dunderheaded View panel instead of Simon Cowell; thank you, Von Smith, for nothing.

• The View [ABC]

While he didn't call Russell Crowe an "asshole" this time, nor flirtatiously butter up Sean Penn, Brolin did manage to fire off a verbal fusillade at several of the assembled celebrities, says Vulture:

"Josh Brahlin," he drawled when he took the podium at the National Board of Review awards ceremony, mimicking host Whoopi Goldberg's mispronunciation of his name. "That's how fucking famous I am... I just whispered in her ear, I said, 'What the fuck is the matter with you?' And she goes, 'I don't know. I'm high.'...I know that ninety percent of you right now are going, what’s he going to say?"

He introduced The Visitor's Richard Jenkins, the Spotlight Award winner, as a Hollywood newcomer: "It’s amazing that he’s just in his early twenties, yet he portrayed Professor Walter Vale as a man in his late fifties, early sixties, with such conviction and grace... We’re all on the edge of our seats as to what he’ll do next." Also, he marveled at the fact that Jenkins has starred in "in excess of fifty movies in the past three years," calling the actor a virtuoso whose talent surpassed that of Day-Lewis, Crowe, DiCaprio, "and of course, Clint Eastwood, wherever you are, who many also think is in his sixties or seventies, but who is really 32." Brolin further noted that 2008 was a great year for Jenkins, "the sexiest man alive, a tireless spokesperson for Rogaine, opening up new pathways for the future of acting." He paused dramatically, and then said, "Okay, that’s all the funny shit."

Suddenly, we've just imagined an Oscar ceremony where the stars align so we can see random, blubbering speeches from all four acting winners (Brolin, Mickey Rourke, and a twice-honored Kate Winslet). Sorry, Heath Ledger—we'd rather throw our support behind the only nominee likely enough to swig from a flask onstage and aggressively mumble, "Hugh Jackman's our host, folks. Give him a hand. What, they couldn't get Josh Hartnett?"

• Josh Brolin Politely Corrects Whoopi Goldberg on Pronunciation of His Name [New York]

It all began when Barbara Walters brought up Bush's final press conference and dubbed it unusually introspective. This didn't sit quite right with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the Bush BFF who invaded the Oval Office over the weekend, had a 15-minute conversation with the president about dog biscuits, and now feels qualified to pronounce Bush her replacement husband should Tim's remote ever linger too long on MSNBC.

Predictably, Joy Behar threw herself into the mix, and the resulting melee was a shouty clusterfuck that recalls the ladies' good ol' days. We led with the clip in which Hasselbeck compares Bush to Abraham Lincoln (!), but so much went on that we've provided a second, even more high-volume sampling. Enjoy!

• The View [ABC]

We've spilled a lot of e-ink about how Walters has spent every single day in '09 coming up with new, increasingly overt ways to insult her cohosts, so imagine our delight when she said that her perennial New Year's resolution was to "be nicer" ("THAT'S your New Year's resolution?" said a dubious Sherri Shepherd). Walters then attempted to become visibly kinder on air, which in her mind meant contorting her face into a terrible, clown-like rictus and slamming her cohosts with even greater condescension and frequency (but while smiling!). The display is not for the faint of heart; please, we beg of you, do not watch this clip before bedtime.

• The View [ABC]

As our year begins to come to an end, intern Brian Colgan reviewed Elisabeth Hasselbeck's on-screen political arc (in short: "Wright Wright Rezko Rezko Ayers Ayers VICTORY!") and composed a video so incredible, you could watch it with your hand covering the top half of the screen and still get the gist from Elisabeth's emphatic, repeated gesticulation. We made it through this together, America. Like that one kid in Into the Wild, we have endured this tough, immense experience and come out the other end stronger.

Oh, wait. Didn't that kid die?

• The View [ABC]

However, the choice has angered many gay rights advocates, who worry that the selection will legitimize Warren's fervent advocacy in favor of Proposition 8. Joy Behar, too, is upset about the pick ("It's like putting Cheney in charge of gun control!"), which surely makes Elisabeth's toes even tinglier. And, as always, Barbara Walters attempts to bring peace by reaching for a historical anecdote she only half-remembers while her cohosts silently count down their "five second rule," at the conclusion of which they are free to merrily ignore her and resume their crosstalk. Still, the clip's real horror show is Whoopi's Ed Hardy-like tee-shirt, which suggests a wrathful View stylist has found a new target. Clip above.

• The View [ABC]

The furor prompted Elisabeth to make amends on today's show, but in the most hurried, sneaky way possible. After the ladies devoted endless amounts of talk to offensive, sexist comments made by Rush Limbaugh about Hillary Clinton, Elisabeth quickly rushed out the apology for her comparatively innocuous jab just as Whoopi began to throw the show to commercial. Clever, girl, but the real expert would have snuck it in during the View's endless crosstalk, where no one would have been the wiser. Clip above.

• The View [ABC]

Very little has changed in the hosts' positions (and Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shepherd continue to advance the idea that gay marriage means that churches will be sued, dismantled, and rebuilt into Abercrombie & Fitch superstores), but at least Goldberg was kind enough to start things off on a new level of inanity by confessing that this "suffrage" thing that people have wanted throughout history? She's not really sure what that is! Maybe it's about suffering? Kinda sounds like it! "I guess it's when black people had to, you know, they didn't want to die for being black," Shepherd offers. Yeah, it's either that or the right to vote. You know, whichevs!

• The View [ABC]

While recounting a story about how her husband Tim simply wouldn't brave a long holiday line to buy some $6.99 napkins (But the bargain, Tim! It was so relatable!), Hasselbeck immediately began to flail and rewrite her marriage vows on-air. "Ohhh," moans an attempting-to-sympathize Barbara Walters, while secretly thinking, "You don't have people for that? Why, once I was at a dinner party hosted by Henry Kissinger and Chita Rivera, and I sent this kind cater-waiter out to procure the cannelloni au gratin for me at Sardi's. I tipped him with a signed headshot and a two-dollar bill, as was the custom at the time."

• The View [ABC]

First, Hasselbeck (whose enraged gay stylist dressed her today in a yellow pirate blouse over sushi pajamas) claimed that 62% of California voters said "yes" to Prop 8, a figure that overshoots actual reality by, oh, about ten percent. Then, Shepherd demurred when pressed on the biblical definition of marriage that she had so ardently defended, admitting, "This is what's bad, 'cause I don't even remember." Lest you think she was some sort of bigot, though, she hastened to add that she still hadn't picked out a wedding gift for her friend DeGeneres. Somehow, we think that not nullifying her marriage may go over better than a set of steak knives.

• The View [ABC]

Without Joy Behar around to rebut her, Shepherd ran rampant, tossing out right-wing talking points about the proposition (which took away the marriage rights awarded to gay Californians) like they were so many Sherri coins. First, she insists that without Prop 8, her pastor could have been sent to jail for preaching against homosexuality. Either she's referring to Swedish pastor Ake Green who was convicted, then acquitted of "hate speech" (under, y'know, Swedish laws) and became a religious cause celebre, or she's bringing up the falsehood that churches would be sued for not performing same-sex marriage. Just like they get sued so much when Jews want to marry in the Mormon temple! Oh wait, that doesn't happen. Barbara Walters attempts a weak rebuttal, but the audience is on Sherri's side. Eventually, even Whoopi concedes that if civil unions were strengthened until they reached a point that seems awfully separate but equal to our ears, maybe the gays would be happy and stop fighting so much. Or not! Clip above.

• The View [ABC]

Hasselbeck, dressed in a funereal black top (with a pirate-reminiscent ruffled collar!), took her cues from John McCain's gracious concession speech and delivered one of her own. "No one lost today," she said. "God knows I fought hard for the other side, but today is a victory for this country." Then, reaching deep inside, she even gave hated rival Joy Behar a fist-bump. Godless America, we have succeeded: Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a terrorist now. One of us. One of us.

• The View [ABC]

Of course, Shepherd's theory is only bolstered by the fact that SNL can't cover Michelle Obama unless Maya Rudolph's got a free weekend, but later in the show, head writer Seth Meyers came out to do some damage control. "Next time we do it...Sherri, you can come and play yourself," he offered. Is there no end to SNL's 30 Rock poaching? Somewhere, we imagine that an exhausted Tina Fey just muttered "Blergh" and collapsed into her Sabor de Soledad.

• The View [ABC]