According to the NY Daily News, Cameron "Sex Is The Best!" Diaz and Puff "Sex Is The Easiest Thing To Get" Daddy have been playing fuck buddies ever since March when they had an intimate dinner (translation: they ate in the same restaurant), and last month they (No! Way!) hugged at a Walk of Fame ceremony (translation: um, they hugged.) But things have allegedly gotten interesting ever since last month when the private room escapade occurred in New York, and last Friday at Prince's house, when "Diddy was bringing his lips toward hers when he realized someone was approaching. Smiling, they closed the theater's door and locked it. We heard them giggling inside." Translation? See, there's this movie? Called What Happens In Vegas? And Cameron's in it? Oh and also? There's this new show on MTV? Called Making The Rock Band? And Diddy is the producer? Translation executed.

• CAMERON DIAZ AND DIDDY A TOUCHY TOPIC [NYDN]

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull — $151.1 million
Defamer's groundbreaking Indiana Jones PlunderWatch Projections Tracker™ was just about pinpoint precise once we factor in the the +/- $9.5 trillion margin of error, calculating the triumph of America's archaeological/Commie-killing sweetheart in real time over its five-day opening frame. Its four-day total was no less impressive, tallying $126 million from Friday to Monday, while the worldwide total of $311 million had George Lucas stroking his massive under-chin on his Marin County deck, conjuring inspiration for his and Steven Spielberg's forthcoming fifth installment, Indiana Jones and the Hard-to-Insure Septuagenarian Star.

2. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian — $28.6 million
Disney insiders cooly told us this morning they're not worried about the 58% drop from Caspian's opening weekend or the fact that the four-week old Iron Man almost surpassed it for second place overall. When asked about the shrieks and cries audible in the background, we were rebuffed: "What? Oh, that? It's nothing. Andrew Adamson stopped by, is all — he's telling us about the next Narnia movie. Anything else?"

3. Iron Man — $25.6 million
The comic hero bumped his cumulative take to $260 million since May 2, which means Marvel Studios' troubled companion film The Incredible Hulk can draw literally nobody to the theater and still be an official success. Congrats to David Maisel and the whole team!

4. What Happens in Vegas — $11.1 million
Fox's "shite date movie" counterprogramming trick worked like a charm once more against the action/fantasy epics encircling it, but look for the "late Sydney Pollack cameo" wave to lift Made of Honor to a resurgent weekend ahead.

5. Speed Racer — $5.2 million
If the box office was The Gong Show, a cackling Chuck Barris would have pointed this sorry act offstage two weeks ago. Alas.

[Photo Credit: Rotten Tomatoes]

Granted, everything will change as more reviews trickle in — but not necessarily for the worst. In any case, maybe Boll — not Roland Emmerich — is the ideal Euro-hack to helm that forthcoming $200 million Cusack apocalypse flick. At this rate, he may be Sony's only hope with the critics.

• 'Postal' [Rotten Tomatoes]

WHAT'S NEW: The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian is guaranteed to knock incumbent champ Iron Man from its box-office perch, with most observers predicting the second installment of the Disney franchise to muscle into first with as much as $79 million. And with merely five days before Indiana Jones 4 wheezes into multiplexes internationally, Disney is no doubt hoping that even that number is somehow on the low end. We don't think so; even without major counterprogramming, $74 million seems a little more reasonable what with holdovers Iron Man, What Happens in Vegas, Made of Honor and even Speed Racer still pulling in viewers who are just fine waiting for the DVD. Also opening: a light week overall, with the America Ferrera vehicle How the Garcia Girls Spent Their Summer and the acclaimed Norwegian drama Reprise playing small-ball in Caspian's shadow.

THE BIG LOSER: Iron Man may drop another 50% from weeks two to three, but with Speed Racer forecast to pull in less than $10 million in its own second week — potentially accumulating less than $30 million domestically in 10 days of release — the indignities just never end for the Wachowskis, Warners and everyone involved.

THE UNDERDOG: Back when Sangre de mi Sangre (Blood of my Blood) was known as Padre Nuestro, its Grand Jury Prize at the 2007 Sundance Film Festival all but assured it the fest's long-suspected "best picture curse." But we knew at the time it was a remarkable debut feature for writer-director Christopher Zalla, whose identity-theft thriller about a pair of Mexican stowaways transplanted to New York was misread as everything from a globalization allegory to an overreaching effort at social realism. In fact, Sangre is all and none of these things, nothing more so than a riveting glimpse at two immigrants' reinventions: Villainous schemer Juan (Armando Hernández) and his "papa," cash-hoarding dishwasher Diego (Jesús Ochoa). The latter's tentative warming to his imposter son — while real son Pedro (Jorge Adrián Espíndola) scours Brooklyn for any clues to both men's whereabouts — is as dynamically acted and observed as any first film you'll see this year. And despite its precarious limited release, you should seek it out, and you should see it. Fuck the Sundance curse.

FOR SHUT-INS: Highlights among new DVD releases include Francis Ford Coppola's mind- (and patience-) bending comeback Youth Without Youth; Denzel Washington's late '07 Oscar bait The Great Debaters; the Diane Keaton/Katie Holmes/Queen Latifah trifecta Mad Money; the Criterion Collection's Louis Malle tandem The Lovers and The Fire Within; and — finally, thank God — Two and a Half Men: The Complete Third Season.

Does anyone want to go out on a limb for or against Prince Caspian's weekend reign? Did we miss anything on a sluggish week for new releases? Can you explain Youth Without Youth in 50 words or less? Don't be shy; the floor is yours.

1. Iron Man - $50.5 million
Iron Man's strong finish was confidently predicted by just about everyone, including your own mother, who called yesterday to thank you for her bouquet, but "would have preferred you send me that Roger Downey Jr. fellow—he can rocket-boost over here anytime! Oh, your father's getting jealous now. Pipe down, Seymour—you know you're the only Iron Man for me. By the way, I predict a healthy 49% drop with the audience skewing slightly more female due to strong word of mouth. Anyway, thanks again for the flowers! And don't forget to call your sister!"

2. Speed Racer - $20.210 million
How to tell the difference between an underperforming™ tentpole and a true bomb? When studio executives can't even drum up a quote brimming with the false, "Hey, let's see how it fares internationally—those foreigners love everything!" optimism we've come to expect from someone with a stinker to spin and a job on the line. That said, let's take Speed's temperature, via these observations from Warner Bros. president of domestic distribution Dan Fellman: "It's just one of those moments in our business where the results don't seem to justify our hopes, and we'll move on." Bomb, Speed Racer, bomb!

3. What Happens in Vegas - $20 million
Certainly the fact that Racer could barely* outpace Vegas—a moderately budgeted Hollywood remake of a Japanese horror film about a man who wins big at Pachinko and is forced to marry Cameron Diaz—only heightened Warner Bros.' shame, leading to a tragic but seemingly inevitable mass seppuku ritual at their Burbank offices this morning, using the ceremonial, third-floor-kitchen bagel knife.

4. Made of Honor - $7.6 million
The 17th straight Patrick Dempsey romantic comedy to connect with his core audience of extremely lonely women, clinical psychotics, and people in dire need of a quiet place to nap and/or duck the law held strong in the fourth position, practically guaranteeing its sequels, 27 Tuxes and A Groom of One's Own.

5. Baby Mama - $5.766 million
Lamaze humor is frequently lost on us.

*And probably won't even.

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE May 9-11, 2008 [Box Office Mojo]

Whatever audience for high (or even medium) wit once existed has mostly decamped for Assisted Living. There remains a small slightly doddering crowd that's up for small, well-written comedies like Helen Hunt's Then She Found Me, which is currently playing in a release that will remain forever limited to older people who are not afraid to visit the "art" houses Mass market comedy (unless Judd Apatow and his heart-healthy pals are involved) is pitched largely to a young crowd that apparently likes to see pretty people — especially upwardly striving ones like Diaz's character — humiliated and abused in ways that are stupefyingly familiar.

I'm beginning to think that these kids represent a resentment demographic, less eager to laugh than they are to exercise spite and envy at peers who want to grow up sensibly rather than throw up mindlessly in some sleazebag movie.

While we certainly wouldn't put such harsh judgment past the author, 75-year-old Time critic Richard Schickel, the headline is an obviously, gloriously ironic point of departure into the very cultural lapse he laments. Like we care: We're just thrilled to see a mainstream reviewer meet his reader halfway in these troubled critical times; if only stick-in-the-mud David Ansen has preceded a few more pans with announcements like "My Balls Act Better Than Bruce Willis," maybe at least one of these tragic decampments could have been avoided.

• What Happens in Vegas Stays Sucky [Time]

Speed Racer
· Just a drag 'Racer' [LAT]
· Great fun, if you like watching video games [Globe and Mail (sub. req'd.)]
· 'Speed Racer' stalls at the starting line [Detroit Free Press]
· 'Speed Racer' spins by screen at nauseating, wearing pace [Salt Lake Tribune]
· 'Speed Racer': Take a Detour [WashPo]
· 'Speed Racer' limps around the track [USA Today]
· A nonsensical computer-generated racing thriller freaks out our correspondent with its cartoon plastic tackiness [London Times Online]

What Happens in Vegas
·Insults, but no jackpot in 'Vegas' [EW]
·'What Happens in Vegas' is nothing to write home about [Kalamazoo Gazette]
· Not buying this Vegas line, or even the odd couple of losers [Union Tribune]
·There is no escape in 'Vegas' and not much comedy, either [signonsandiego.com]
·Wedded miss in new Kutcher, Diaz comedy [suntimes.com]
·Shoulda Stayed in Vegas [Winnipeg Sun]
·What happens? You don't want to know [CanWest]
·'What Happens in Vegas' feels like a losing streak [USA Today]

WHAT'S NEW: Whereas last week the only question we faced was the degree of the Iron Man beating awaiting Patrick Dempsey and Made of Honor, today we're starting a pool to see how close (or how far) Marvel's $100 million hero will keep Speed Racer before pulling away in the Sunday home stretch. Most observers expect Iron Man's take to drop as much as 50% this weekend, but like last Friday, we think lingering word-of-mouth and irresistible talent will keep the film well in excess of expectations — as in $65 million to Speed Racer's $40 million. We'll get to the Ashton Kutcher/Cameron Diaz vehicle What Happens in Vegas in a second, but more painlessly for now, here are some of the other new titles bottlenecking theaters: Music video maven Tarsem's sumptuous (and apparently boring) labor of love The Fall; the John Leguizamo / teenagers-fucking satire The Babysitters; the espionage spoof OSS 117: Nest of Spies; and the canny Paskowitz family documentary Surfwise.

THE BIG LOSER: We've heard it said that What Happens in Vegas is Fox's idea of counterprogramming to Speed Racer, but what do you really call it when the weekend's biggest new release itself amounts to second fiddle overall? History will decide, but we think $20 million estimates are far too generous for the Kutcher/Diaz miscarriage. Try closer to $16 million and, as the gift that keeps on giving, a pan for the ages from Manohla Dargis: "[B]ecause its director, Tom Vaughan, brings nothing of interest to the movie, including filmmaking, there isn't anything to say other than to note its insulting ugliness and ineptitude. ... It's disheartening that Ms. Diaz doesn't seem to realize that there's no upside to a role that strips away her dignity even as it peels off her clothes, especially when she's playing the shrew." Now that's love we can all take to the bank.

THE UNDERDOG: A terrific Famke Janssen skips the glam in Turn the River, the writing-directing debut of actor Chris Eigeman (Metropolitan, Kicking And Screaming). As a single-mother gambler and pool shark planning to steal her young son away to Canada — but only after hustling her way to $50,000 — Janssen digs into River with both leading-lady aplomb and a wounded integrity most of her male contemporaries usually try to approximate through overwrought brooding. Co-star Rip Torn is good for a few ironic flourishes that redeem the late melodrama, all of which are outdone by Janssen's real pool-shooting exploits. We wouldn't bet against her — at least not this weekend.

FOR SHUT-INS: You can have your I'm Not There DVD's, your P.S. I Love Yous, your vagina dentata comedy Teeth, your fourth season of The 4400 and all that other bullshit. But there is really only one new title worth welcoming into the guilty sanctuary of your own home: The Hottie and the Nottie. Miraculously neither watchable nor as bad as it's made out to be, judge for yourself the blight of Paris Hilton vanity on this week's release calendar.

So are you down for or down on Speed Racer? Will What Happens In Vegas stay, ahem, in Vegas? Will newfound billiards talent Famke Janssen kick your ass for an easy 50 grand? Go all in and let us know where your money's riding this weekend.

Yes, thankfully, the athletically impressive thighs of Lake were more fully on display than those of Diaz, though the actress, making her first red carpet appearance since the passing of her father Emilio. Cameron wore one of her trademark skin-tight dresses, one that gave Gwyneth a run for her money in the clavicle flash arena. But more importantly, why so blue Ashton? And where is Mrs. Kutcher? Haven't you accompanied her and her brood to each and every single one of her flop premieres over the last few years? And she couldn't be bothered to support you at what may turn out to be a quasi-successful rom-com? Maybe ever since Bruce Willis got that manly penis piercing, Kutcher's just feeling a little impish?

[Photo credits: Getty Images]

• SMILING CAMERON DIAZ MAKES EMOTIONAL RETURN TO THE RED CARPET IN A MINI-DRESS [Daily Mail]