Uh oh, Pepper looks pissed. And Tony looks alone. What happened to all his friends?

Garry Shandling makes his big debut as Senator Stern, so Tony mocks him, naturally.

See Tony is alone. Empty chairs. Empty soul. It's lonely at the top.

But wait, it's Rhodey, he's back...and he looks pissed. And who's that to Rhodey's left? It's Sam Rockwell, as Justin Hammer. Did they walk in together? And where did Pepper go? Where's Happy?

Same sexual chemistry between Pepper and Tony, check. But then again I think RDJ is so charming he could have chemistry with a lamp post... lucky lamp post.

Iron Man is America, and a rock star. And look in the background — it's the Iron Man dancers, thus proving the slutty Halloween rule to be true: any outfit can be made whorish.

These gloves could very well be the best little party favors ever. Please hand these out at Comic Con!

Whiplash is obsessed. See? See? He has newspaper clippings. And newspaper clipping are to stalkers what glasses are to shy mousy girls with a hot girl dying to get out inside: stereotypical. But let's assume that since he's spent so much time cataloguing the family story, that this grudge may go way, way back. Since he's had time to make a scrap book.

Who hit Tony?

The garage is all cleaned up and stocked with new rich guy toys. Bruce Wayne who?

What is happening to Tony's neck?

Yikes it's spreading. Tony is literally turning into an Iron Man. Also, he could be turning into a human computer, which has happened in the Iron Man comics before.

More Justin Hammer, and in perfect timing with Whiplash's "shark" comment.

Nick Fury just wants to get motherfucking Tony onto the motherfucking team.

More Iron Man-ettes. I suspect this may be a banner year for the cosplay fans.

Scarlett Johansson as Natasha Romanoff in her Black Widow "business casual" attire.

War Machine prototype!

Is the Black Widow working for Rhodey? Is that her in the background?

Black Widow in her ass kicking attire, is she beating up Happy? I bet Jon Favreau just loved that.

Whiplash finally shows us what his lightsaber whips can do — which is break Tony's car.

Which he does.

I'm still not sold on the Whiplash outfit, but it does look pretty bad ass from behind.

Uh oh — will Tony be Whiplashed in half, or will the bad guy just show off some more? Answer: Show off.

Whiplash has nasty metal mouth.

What is this flying contraption? It looks like it's shooting at Iron Man? Multiple Mecha suits?

A first look at War Machine, and Tony's new suit, with a triangle chest plate. Is this due to the metal veins? Also the background is filled with power suits, almost like an Armor War...

War Machine and Tony fight other mechas and you get a faceful of War Machines shoulder gun, and Tony's fully reconstructed suit, Mark VI. Very nice. So who thinks they are filming the Armor Wars story?

This is disturbing on at least seven levels.

1. Inherently disturbing: A nine-year-old is performing "Smack That." Alongside these lyrics:

Smack that, all on the floor
Smack that, give me some more
Smack that, till you get sore
Smack that, oh ooh

She "smacks" her buttocks, thrusts her hips, and shimmies her shoulders.
2. A crowd of young adults is cheering her on.
3. ...one of whom is her older sister, who may have suggested the song (0:30)
4. Given Miley's experience with sexualized-young-people controversy, does this sisterly interaction have a whiff of "victim working out her angst by victimizing others"?
5. Noah's outfit looks suspiciously like a Minnie Mouse dress. Since the Cyrus family juggernaut is a Disney creation, this is extra creepy.
6. This version of the video bears the logo of mileyworld.com, Miley Cyrus' official fan site, meaning there is a chance that the Cyrus family and/or their starmakers want Noah to be perceived this way.
7. Noah has been in absurd situations like this before and is a child actress, recording artist, and inheritor to a formidable family mantel. Is it even possible to save this child from the farcically oversexed wilderness of... Disney? Hollywood? America at large?

Fade in. Ms. Gaga, ever the generous host, is just chilling with her minions, listening to music.

She is wearing her razor-blade sunglasses, because a girl can never be too careful. The world assaults us with images! We must fight back! (Or, as she told MTV News: "I wanted to design a pair for some of the toughest chicks and some of my girlfriends - don't do this at home! - they used to keep razor blades in the side of their mouths… That tough female spirit is something that I want to project. It's meant to be, 'This is my shield, this is my weapon, this is my inner sense of fame, this is my monster.") I certainly hope you're taking notes.

FYI: Motherboard, barbed wire or fine screen door mesh manicures are the new hot shit. Adjust accordingly.

Suddenly, there's a flash of light.

A room! With Ukranian vodka! This must be a dream. Or a nightmare?

Coffin-like pods line the floor. Note the one which reads "Monster," as therein lies our heroine.

By the way: Since The Lady refers to her creative team as the Haus of Gaga, this scenario, naturally, takes place in the Bath Haus of Gaga.

The Lady emerges, wrapped up for freshness.

It's important to loosen up the joints and muscles after being transported — nay, kidnapped — into a questionable dimension. Working out with friends keeps you motivated.

Speeding through a hole in the time/space continuum often leaves a layer of grime. Bathing is a must.

Here, her eyes are wide with knowledge, not fear: She is a captive!

Product placement! Did you know that Dr. Dre, who has his own Beats By Dre headphones, worked with The Lady to make Heartbeats by Lady Gaga?

Back to the story: Gaga is ripped from the bath by her captors.

She is really just an innocent young thing, what could they possibly want with her?

Well, first they'd like to strip her of her latex garments…

…Then they'd like to force imported vodka down her throat. The usual Tuesday night stuff.

Fueled by liquor, Gaga is trussed up in a sparkly ensemble, robbed of her Burberry overcoat and forced to dance.

So many male bidders, so little time!

The Man With The Gold Chin Strap takes an interest in Ms. Gaga. Gold+Man= Goldman? As in Goldman Sachs? Is Gaga part of the bailout package?

Her brain aches; she must make a choice. She can flee. Sure. But she can also stay and dance her ass off, use this man the way he wants to use her. She could really, really use the money, you see…

…She's got a little problem with her spine. And Oxford won't cover the surgery.

So she dances. She seduces him because she has to. And because she can.

According to The Woman's Dictionary Of Symbols & Sacred Objects, the bond between cats and women has always been strong. There was a time that the patriarchy, suspicious of this connection, would accuse any woman seen talking to or petting a cat of witchcraft. Cats were sacred to the Ancient Egyptians, and festivals for the the cat goddess Bast were huge. The Norse goddess Freya rode in a chariot drawn by cats, and felines were generally thought to be magic. So save your shaved pussy jokes until the end.

Oooh, looky! Our favorite ankle-snapping Alexander McQueen shoes from his Spring 2010 show in paris. You know, the Futuristic Interplanetary Mutant Alien Queen one. Not Derelicte In Wonderland… that's so Fall 2009.

If you saw the McQueen ensembles and thought to yourself, "Who wears that? Now you know.

Anyway: Gaga drags herself and her bear carcass peignoir to do what she knows she must do.

Mr. Goldman awaits, hand creeping toward his stimulus package.

He'd like to see what he's purchased.

She's happy to oblige.

But! Little does he know — she has power, strength, and can, like a young Drew Barrymore, start fires with her mind.

(See, she has already informed the others that there will be a revolt! That's where the red and the leather come in: Viva La Revolucion!)

Yes, the bed is aflame. Fire can be symbolic of passion, but in this case, she is using it as a weapon, to destroy her enemy.

In the end, her sparkbra is saved, but Mr. Goldman? He is merely a charred skeleton.

The moral: Buy flame-retardant lingerie.

Here's the video clip, sans commentary. Enjoy.

Lady Gaga Says 'Bad Romance' Video Is About 'Tough Female Spirit' [MTV News]
Bad Romance Exclusive Premiere [Facebook]
Lady Gaga Bad Romance [YouTube]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
An Analysis Of The Underlying Themes In Britney's New Candie's Commerical

1. Pete and Ken are both named head of accounts: This is the biggest (and most obvious) setup of the evening. When they fire the old head of accounts, the new Brits in town divide his job between Pete and Ken, dropping the hint that they expect one of them to out perform the other. Narcissist Pete is pissed, of course, and whines to his wife (who wears a killer hat to the office). Ken is cooler about it and thinks that it's a good opportunity for competition.
What's coming: It's war. And Ken is toast. Also, more hats!

2. Sal gets caught with a dude: Well, it was bound to happen eventually, because he's not a very convincing heterosexual. When he and Don go to Baltimore to save their London Fog account, Ken calls the front to get his air conditioning fixed, and the bellhop who shows up to fix it is only interested in using one tool, and it's Sal's. Before they can go all the way, the fire alarm goes off, and Don sees the two men together. Sal is relieved that Don don't mention it.
What's coming: Something like this is bound to come out (har har) eventually. Either Sal is going to get outed or he'll confide in Don, but maybe the closet door is cracking open a bit.

3. Peggy can't get her secretary to do any work: We didn't get to see much of the firm's only female copywriter and this episode she only interacted with the show's other females—both secretaries who weren't having any of Peggy's nonsense. First, her secretary has a hard time getting any work done because she's flirting with one of the Brits who is now employed at taken-over Sterling Cooper. Then Joan gives her the brush off at the elevator, asserting her authority as the babe with the biggest balls.
What's coming: How is Peggy going to overcome the chauvinism of the office when not even the ladies have her back? It's going to be another lonely year.

4. Don says he'll "always come home": We find out that Don wasn't raised by his prostitute mother, who died in child birth. His working-girl mom told Don's dad "If you knock me up, I'll cut your dick off." After she dies, the midwife names the baby Dick. Ha! Later, DonDick tells his upset daughter that "he'll always come home," but then has a hard time staying focused when telling her about the night she was born.
What's coming: More sadness and ennui for the Drapers, of course. However, his "I'll always come home," can either be a promise that he's going to break or a threat that he's going to keep. But these two won't break up. Who else is going to torture them?

5. Joan and Moneypenny have it out: Joan is one fierce bitch, and that is why she totally hands a new British "secretary" his ass without ever raising her voice. When he starts to think that he's better than the girls in the pool, she assigns him a vacant office. She knows how to please a man—always appeal to his ego—but it's obvious she's setting a trap. Of course, his move illicits a dressing down from his boss. Good work, Joanie. There's a reason you're our favorite.
What's coming: We have a feeling Moneypenny won't take this lying down. But he should. If he pushes her too hard, Joan will take that gold pen necklace of hers and stab him in the eye.

Hughes died last Thursday, and by noon on Friday, Canadians Matt Austin, Kari Hollend, Mike Facciolo, and Lenny Panzer had inked a deal to have their recently-complete Hughes-centric movie Don't You Forget About Me released by Alliance Films. They also wound up on CNN and with a huge uptick in traffic to their blog.

Started more than three years ago, the crew set out to track how and why Hughes faded into obscurity after a run of such successful films. Of course, as the crew told the Globe and Mail they're a little sad that their success is largely due to Hughes death.

"It's a very uncomfortable feeling and you can't help but feel guilty," Ms. Hollend said. "You never want to feel like something good has happened to one person as a result of something bad happening to someone else."

While the group scored some interviews with Ally Sheedy, Andrew McCarthy, and Mia Sara (Sloane from Ferris Bueller's Day Off!) still no news on whether or not they bagged a conversation with the man himself. You do need a reason to go see the movie, now don't you! We do know that Molly Ringwald declined to participate.

Ms. Ringwald (The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink) declined numerous interview requests, for what Mr. Austin suspects are similarly melancholy reasons: "She was very close with him and I think she didn't want to speak on his behalf."

The release date is still being set, but we'll be calling in sick and stealing our father's Ferrari to go to the premiere.

Will Ferrell couldn't host SNL without getting around to Celebrity Jeopardy, though they pulled out two serious stops for this one: Tom Hanks as Tom Hanks, Norm McDonald as Burt Reynolds, and Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery, which is why we're here. Certainly not as great as of the CJ's of the past. Then again, I'm not sure who thought of it, but whoever did, genius: there was nothing more fun on TV this week (sorry, Lost) than watching Tom Hanks try to maneuver through plastic dry cleaning wrap.

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Ferrell's opening monologue was essentially one giant "fuck you" to the Tony voting committee and Broadway, who - if they have any brains about them at all - will give themselves national exposure by handing Ferrell a Tony for his solo show on Broadway (and subsequent HBO special). He's competing against Liza Minnelli. Somewhere, Brian Friel is not laughing. The joke about theater people's pompous self-seriousness is (especially in New York) ridiculously funny. And sadly: resonant. Unfortunately, outside of New York, it might not take.

Speaking of the Bush show, the cold open was Ferrell doing Dubya, of course - when's that going to get old for him? Will it? - and Hammond as Cheney. Again, Ferrell trying to push home the Tony win. Some of the late night ladies at Jezebel didn't like it; personally, I enjoyed. Anything with the words "face shooting" in it gets a chortle, here, but I'm a cheap date. You?

Clearly the favorite amongst the cast who came close to breaking character a bunch of times. Watch Jason Sudeikis try to handle this without laughing, especially around the five-minute mark. Jokes about speed, Bill Hader getting some strangeness in - something about a green Swatch - Maya Rudolph coming in and making complete, absolute, arbitrary nonsense. It was wonderful.

Finally: the cameo-laden finale. Spoiler: it's Ferrell doing "Goodnight Saigon." Kinda fitting. That band has Anne Hathaway, Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss, Amy Poehler, musical guests Green Day, and Paul Rudd in it. Again, this one sits squarely on the shoulders of its stars, not the writing.

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Oh yeah: Green Day was the musical guest and played some stuff off their new album, but when's a band gonna come on SNL and not do that? Remember when SNL musical performances used to be mildly interesting? Green Day should've come out dressed as 14 year-olds, played "Basketcase," broke some shit, and left. Memo to Lorne Michael: think dynamic. Also, question for Lorne Michaels: Did you burn through your entire Rolodex to pull this one off? Probably. Did it help that you had one of your best and brightest alumni hosted? Naturally. But you can't pull a glued audience simply based on the potential promise of cameos and only half-decent writing that your ace(s)-in-the-hole can walk circles around. You're gonna run out of ringers, eventually.

This time, he's screaming about something called study technology. Kind of like A-Yo, but different. Mr. Trickle, the stage is yours:

I've got nothing new to say about this other than the fact that I sometimes wonder if Paul Thomas Anderson knows just how close to the truth he got about certain characteristics of this man.

. . .

Costumes:
Even though she's pictured in the trademark fedora on the cover, Ava Rose's Jones generally opts for the topless look, eschewing the Indy's customary leather and khakis for a more breezy, summertime feel. You never know when a quick costume change might help you slip into a particularly well-guarded tomb.
Advantage: Carolina

Tools:
Indy uses his trusty whip for just about everything, while Carolina, oddly enough, opts for a boomerang with which she pummels aggressive suitors.
Advantage: Indy (But only because you can't swing over a pit of snakes with a boomerang.)

Sidekick:
In "Temple of Doom," Indy adopted Short Round, a small, wisecracking Chinese boy with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond his years. In "Broken Covenant," Carolina adopts Dixie (played by the adventurous Bree Olson), a buxom, wisecracking Southern girl with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond her years. (Sample advice to her companion. "You've got a pussy, dont'cha? Use it or lose it!") Short Round distracts guards by running between their legs. Dixie just fucks them.
Advantage: Carolina (Duh.)

Villains:
Never trust shady European treasure hunters with white hair! Indy is haunted at every turn by dirty Frenchman René Belloq, then turncoat Walter Donovan, then Soviet minx Irina Spalko who wants to mind rape everyone in America. Meanwhile, Carolina is seized by a crazy old coot who nearly kills her and her friends in his backyard. However, none compare to Arnold Toht, the evil Gestapo agent who is both creepy and psychotic, burning the key to the Well of the Souls right into the palm of his hand without missing a beat. Fortunately, each one of these people eventually get their faces melted off.
Advantage: Indy

Evil Henchmen:
Bad guys in all the movies employ an army of faceless olive drab clones who are either German, Russian, Nazi, or all of the above. Carolina's pursuers can also be spotted driving leftover Soviet trucks, so all your evil empire bases are covered.
Advantage: Draw

Femme Fatales:
Nikky Blond (as Helga) bears a striking resembles to "The Last Crusade"'s Alison Doody, though she dies much earlier. But what a death it is, coming shortly after a boning session down in the catacombs.
Advantage: Carolina

Accents:
We're not sure which was more forced—Bree Olson's high-pitched southern drawl or Cate Blanchett's fussy Russian dominatrix. But Bree is just so adorable, we can't possibly knock her down.
Advantage: Carolina

Gruesome Fates:
Besides the spiked dildo to the head above, the most striking parallel between the two films is that both "Crystal Skull" and "Broken Covenant" feature a scene where the bad guy meets a horrible end at the tiny claws and teeth of ravenous, man-eating fire ants. Not a good way to go. Having honey poured on your cock before they devour it is just adding insult to injury.
Advantage: Carolina

Treasure:
Carolina is also on the hunt for the Ark of the Covenant; the very same artifact that made her dad famous. (Yes, you read that right .... Carolina is Indy's daughter! And much better behaved than her greaser brother, if you ask us.) Papa comes to the rescue to save the Ark and his brood, which is a little disappointing, because we think Carolina could have handled herself just fine. Just like the last time, foolish people pay for messing with the Ark and the Jones family, although the aforementioned face-melting still makes us cringe to this day. Advantage: Indy

Sex:
Indy is a legendary cocksman, bagging lady friends from Nepal to Vienna to Shanghai. Carolina, however, does not follow in his footsteps. In fact, she's only had sex with one man in her whole life! He was a suave treasure hunter who broke her heart and left her unable to love. (That's why his penis gets eaten by ants.) The tables are turned however, when "Crystal Skull" finds Indy settling down with his baby mama while Carolina finally buries her man troubles (literally!) and makes up for her lack of sexual experience in a big way.
Advantage: Like you have to ask?

And the winner is ... Only one movie this summer will give you action, adventure, treasure, and a sizzling hot anal threesome. We think the choice is clear.

· Adam & Eve's "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (official film site @ carolinajonesxxx.com)
· Order: "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (Adult DVD Empire)

* * * * *

Previously: Ava Rose In "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (Yes, That Was Quick)

• Previously: The Cruise Indoctrination Video Scientology Tried To Suppress
• Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography [Amazon]
• Church of Scientology Statement

We're well aware of the fact that it's difficult to try to tackle Lovecraft from any angle, but why would you try to make things harder for yourself by sticking Tori Spelling in your movie? If this was a retelling of Lovecraft starring bitchy girls who can't find the proper shade of lip gloss at the local L'oreal counter who then get eaten by some sort of lurking horror, then we'd get it. However, it sure looks like they're trying to be serious in this trailer, which for the life of us we can't really wrap our heads around. Especially once Donna Martin appears.

"Someone get down to the Peach Pit, quick! We've opened a portal to R'lyeh!" Yikes. Someone must have dialed in a favor or had some serious blackmail material for this one. We still prefer the Donna-free Cthulhu movie, which manages to be engaging despite being silent and in black and white.

Cthulhu the Movie [official site]

And it seems that Spears' performance didn't leave all VMA viewers with the same feeling of disgust. Weighing in on a story about Spears and her subpar routine, ABCNEWS.com commenter wheaton1006 remarked, "I'd hit it."

• Why Was Britney So Bad? [ABC News]
• Previously: Compassionate 'Extra' Selflessly Offers Britney Spears a VMA Do-Over [Defamer]

• JAHERO [Rosie.com]

• Previously: A Taste Of The Junction [Defamer]

If you listen closely to the soundtrack of Richard Linklater's "Fast Food Nation", you might hear some familiar moans and squeals coming from somewhere offscreen (and no, we don't mean the ones coming from the livestock during the abatoir scenes): they belong to Fleshbot Commandress-In-Chief Joanna Angel and Sabrina Sparks, who lent their talents to a short clip by porn auteur Eon McKai that was commissioned for the film. Alas, only the audio portion of the video was used in the final cut, but you can see it in its entirety on Eon's site—where you can also read how his fanboy dreams came true via a thank-you copy of "Slacker" autographed by Linklater himself. Who said there was no such thing as a happy ending where porn was concerned?

· "Porno 101" (QuickTime video @ eonmckai.com)
· Eon's Blog: "I have been knighted a SLACKER (aka eon is a fan boy)" (eonmckai.com)

Previously: DVD Review: "Girls Lie", DVD Preview: "Joanna Angel's Guide to Humping", Suicide Girls + Eon McKai Music Video

In the absence of any defining facial characteristics like moles or birthmarks on the female participant in that alleged Britney Spears sex tape clip we posted about this morning, we're forced to take increasingly desperate measures by way of forensic analysis—which has basically involved finding as many photos of the real Britney's tongue as we could and comparing them with the darting and stabbing specimen in the video. Unfortunately, we still haven't come to a conclusion yet, which may have something to do with the fact that our eyeballs have turned to jelly after rewinding it so many times. So we present the question to you, gentle (and not-so-gentle) readers, for your opinion; if you're not too sick of voting on things this week, let us know what you think.

Update In light of recent developments, we sort of had no choice but to close the poll (though you can still see the rather interesting results after the jump). But hey, feel free to keep arguing in the comments if it makes you feel better. As for us, we just plan on getting really, really drunk.

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