MisterHippity's new line beats the original, "Wait Now I Can't Remember. Was She 'Ginger', Or Was She 'Sexy'?"

Or perhaps it's only accidental. Either way, we hope this doesn't fracture Posh's fragile peace with the Cruise family — at least not so close to David Beckham getting his free basketball court out of the deal. Make up, kids. Like, figuratively this time.

• Spot the Difference [Holy Moly]

Some celebrity-penned tomes seem like they might actually contain worthwhile information: Celebrity Detox by Rosie O'Donnell, for instance, or How I Play Golf by Tiger Woods. But what about Naomi Campbell's Naomi? Victoria Beckham's That Extra Half An Inch? Or Tori Spelling's unfortunately titled sTORI Telling?

Kelly Osbourne and Miley Cyrus have definitely had life experiences that are not "average," but is there enough to fill a book? And who will buy their stories? (And who will ghostwrite???)

While I don't have any celebrity autobiographies (well, someone did give me Raising Kanye, by Donda West), I asked around and Megan owns Gracie by George Burns. Megan and Jessica both own Me, by Katherine Hepburn. Jessica says: "Also I read Drew Barrymore's sex and drug addled teen memoir when I was at camp in 1995. It was totally passed around like contraband." Maria used to have Beauty Inside And Out, by Tyra. Margaret admits: "I own Having It All by Erika Kane. Note this is not a book about Susan Lucci, but a celebrity autobiography written by the fictional character she plays on All My Children. I don't want to discuss why I own this. The shame runs too deep." Fess up: Do you own (or have you read) celebrity memoirs?

Why Are So Many New Memoirs 'Inspirational'? [Guardian]

boomp3.com

Film director Len Wiseman appeared to be slightly distracted as he left Victoria Beckham's party in Beverly Hills with his wife, actress Kate Beckinsale. Wiseman's hands could barely maintain the "ten and two" position on the steering wheel as Beckinsale's hand mysteriously disappeared below the frame. The couple's luxury car remained stopped at a traffic light on Wilshire for a few lights, much to the dismay of motorists behind the couple.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

As we noted a few months ago, Tom decided that the best way to kiss and make up with old pals Victoria and David Beckham was to offer the couple a weekend vacation at his own home. Nothing says "Procreate for the good of Scientology mankind!" like a few sleepless nights spent at an eerie secluded Hubbard boot camp disguised as a celebrity's mansion. And a few years ago, Cruise made a similar misstep by presenting his tiniest pocket spokesperson, Dakota Fanning, with a cell phone for her 11th birthday. Sure, Dakota's parents wouldn't let her use it and her lack of any actual friends made it entirely useless, but the alien-esque Fanning sure loved prancing down the street "pretending" to talk to imaginary contacts!

Though it wasn't exactly freaky or strange, Tom's gift of a Segway to Hollywood's resident Paranoiac J.J. Abrams left the mystery man disturbed (but mysteriously!). As Abrams told the NY Times in a 2006 interview, his favorite movie-star gift is indeed the Segway, but his quote frightens us just a tad: "Tom Cruise gave me one of those two-wheel Segway scooter things. I'm still trying to get him back for that." Um, because it was programmed to scoot directly towards COS headquarters no matter which direction you pointed it? Last and, in a way, least, future fugitive Katie Holmes has had the fortune of receiving more than a few of Tommy's bizarro presents. As a wedding gift, Cruise reportedly gave his new bride a $20 million dollar jet, even though Katie couldn't fly the thing and was pregnant at the time. But by far the most classic gift on the list is Tom's genius idea for Katie's 27th birthday present: a "DVD compendium of every movie he has ever acted in," inscribed with little handwritten notes from Tom on each film. Because nothing says Happy Birthday like a copy of Magnolia with "It's not going to stop. No, it's not going to stop. 'Til you wise up." scrawled on it by Tom himself.

• TOM, KATIE & THE KIDS SEND GIFTS TO BABY SUNDAY [People]

Harrison Ford, Outed by Helen Mirren: "She considered him 'the nicest, sweetest guy you could want to meet. But he can't kiss - he finds it impossible to kiss on screen.' Then, she added: 'He's probably not very good off screen either. It's not just me - other actresses agree. Whenever we get chatting off screen and we get around to talking, we come to the same conclusion.'"

Jason Segal, Outed by Alyson Hannigan: "Alyson refused to kiss him or do any romantic scenes with him, because he smelled like smoke. He thanks her for forcing him to do that because now he not only smells better, he feels better as well."

Orlando Bloom, Outed by Keira Knightley: "Keira Knightley claims Johnny Depp is a better kisser than Orlando Bloom...When quizzed on who she thought was the best kisser out of the two actors, she told InStyle magazine: 'Johnny Depp certainly wasn't bad.' Despite Orlando's gushing praise for Keira's kissing technique, he did admit he found it 'peculiar.'"

Steve Carell, Outed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: "I just see Steve Carell's lips. 'So the bottom of a cat's paw - the soft supple part underneath - that's what Steve Carell's lips are like. But his tongue is like kitty cat litter. That's the physical experience.'"

Woody Allen, Outed by Helena Bonham Carter: "He tells you up front certain ways of kissing he does not want. No exchange of liquid is permitted. It can be a bit offensive because he makes no effort at all."

Angelina Jolie, Outed by James McAvoy: "I can tell you what it was like to kiss her on a film set: It was awkward, sweaty and not very nice."

Tom Cruise, Outed by Thandie Newton: "Kissing Tom Cruise was slightly icky and sort of wet. I'd really go home at the end of the day actually moaning about how hot it was and how many times we had to do it."

Victoria Beckham, Outed by Corey Haim: "She does this little grr gnaw thing that felt like a girl gnawing on your lip."

Sienna Miller, Outed by James Franco: "The British beauty's toothache made filming a nightmare. Franco admits filming the scene was far from enjoyable and had to be cut short when his co-star complained. He says, 'I think we kissed once in that film and it wasn't at all intense - there was no rolling around or anything. Sienna's molar was giving her pain so she called the dentist!'"

Leonardo DiCaprio, Outed by Virginie Ledoyen: "I think Leonardo is a nice guy. But I don't want him as a lover. There [was] no honest passion. No real sensitivity in our love scenes. In our underwater love scenes all I could think of was not drowning. I can't even remember his kiss."

[Photo credits: Getty, Wire Girl, Showbiz Spy, Renee Ashley Baker, NetGlimpse, Wireimage]

• JAMES MCAVOY: KISSING ANGELINA JOLIE WAS 'NOT VERY NICE' [ITW]

David has already shown his pecs, abs, glutes, and all other kinds of abbreviated names for manly muscles in ads for Gillette, Motorola and, of course, last year's bulge-centric ad for Emporio Armani's fragrance.

But Posh enjoys taking off her size 00 divvies just as much, seen here in 2006's infamous W spread (shot by Steven Klein) in which the LA-bound Beckhams played house in lingerie, treasure trail-revealing pants and, often, nothin' at all. Together again to promote their his-and-her fragrances "Intimately Beckham," a porn-y straddle session seemed perfectly in order. And just for fun, we've included a shot of David playing gladiator for Pepsi, standing in a sea of...Pepsi. But his arms are visible! Which reminds us: we could really use a Pepsi right about now.

[Photo credits: People, Thisislondon.co.uk, Daily Mail, PopCrunch, JustJared]

• DAVID BECKHAM STRIPS DOWN FOR ARMANI - AGAIN! [People]

According to the Daily Mail, Britney has recently gone from a size 14 to a size 10 by "following a strict diet based on Victoria Beckham's eating regime." Before detailing what the tiny bobble-headed Brit's regime actually is, we'll give you some perspective. Not that anyone needs reminding, but Marilyn Monroe was the epitome of pin-up girl hot, and it's been widely reported that she wore a size 12. As for Posh? That alleged 23-inch waist of hers so often exaggerated by massive tight belts belongs to a size 00 body. Yes, those are two 0s. Whether or not Britney actually plans on downsizing to such an extreme is unknown, but we find her Monroe-esque curves of late far sexier than the toothpick look favored by Posh and her toothpick-y peers.

In any case, a source claims Spears heard how Posh "stays so thin" and has been chomping on the following oh-so-mouthwatering dishes: steamed fish and edamame beans, goji berry juice, and seaweed shakes. Well, goji berries are a favorite of ours, but seaweed shakes? Why, Britney, why? We can only hope she's at least eating the entirety of each random diet dish, as opposed to splitting each bean in half like Jacob Marley or, of course, Hubbard hostage, Katie Holmes.

[Photo credits: Splash, Getty]

• SLIMLINE BRITNEY FINDS A POSH WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT [Daily Mail]

The tiny couple in question? None other than Lily Beckinsale and Brooklyn Beckham. Apparently (and we quote), "Kate Beckinsale has reportedly given her 9-year-old daughter Lily permission to 'date' Brooklyn Beckham." But before Kate begins setting up a registry at Harrod's, she may want to consider the wrath of Tom Cruise's SWAT team of Hubbard-humping disco stars — a month back, we noted Suri's obvious crush on the very same hot boy on campus, and Beckinsale's new friendship with Victoria Beckham isn't going to protect her from the wrath of Xenuphobes either. But before we prepare for the impending battle of the broods, it sounds as though Kate is simply dreaming of a romance still in its very early stages: "I am dreading the day Lily brings home a boy. But she and the Beckham boys get on really well...If she did have to have a boyfriend, then I suppose Brooklyn would get my seal of approval!" And considering Lily's apparent fondness for wearing as much makeup as possible before reaching double digits, as evident in the above photo, we have a feeling Posh would gladly approve as well.

• KATE BECKINSALE: MY DAUGHTER CAN DATE BROOKLYN BECKHAM [NYDN]

With other guests like Kyra Sedgwick, Eva Longoria and Tobey Maguire attending, it's no surprise the security was so tight, but why the golf carts? Did Tom and Katie really force their guests to go scootering around their mansion just to say, Look! We're Rich! You Knew That Already But, But...Look!

Though paparazzi weren't allowed to snap anywhere near the actual party, they did manage to get a good handle on just how pricey the guests' rides were: Bentleys, Lexuses and Porsches galore. We're just relieved Jeremy Piven wasn't on hand to witness the rides, lest he throw a very Ari Gold-esque fit and begin pounding away at his beloved hoopty chick magnet with his hairy bare fists.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash]

• TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES HOST A-LIST HOUSEWARMING PARTY [Us}
• TOMKAT HOST THE PARTY OF THE YEAR (WITH POSH AND OPRAH ON THE GUEST LIST) [Daily Mail]

Hello Magazine is reporting that Tom Cruise was plum out of ideas for what to get recently drifting BFF David Beckham for his birthday. So instead of a fruit basket or a lifetime supply of Tom Cruise Purple, the Hubbard-loving Clear decided to treat both Posh and Becks to a private weekend getaway at one of Cruise’s favorite romantic spots in Napa Valley: his very own home!

”They wanted [Posh] and David to make use of their property [and] insisted that it should be just the two of them and that they should thoroughly spoil themselves.”

But after hearing more details on just how Tom planned this so-called “private” getaway, we’re worried the Beckhams are about to be abducted by a Xenuphobic SWAT team...

It's true that TomKat's birthday surprise might very well be an innocent gift, or a way of saying "We've never had sex in this place, but someone should!" But as the story's source continues, "Tom even booked his jet for them and told them they had to be at a private airfield at a specific time so work commitments couldn't get in the way." Let's see: Tom's private jet, taking off from a private airfield at a time designated by Cruise. Is no one else getting the creepy feeling this "vacation" is Cruise's sole tactic remaining in Scientology's official bag of conversion tricks? We'd like to request the assistance of British feds in setting up spies at both the Freelands dock and Gold Base stat.

[Photo credit: Socialite's Life]

• TOM CRUISE GIVES THE BECKHAMS A BIRTHDAY SURPRISE [Starpulse]

Though Hubbard's crowned prince did his best to quite literally shove little Suri towards the more age-appropriate 3-year old Cruz, Suri was visibly smitten with Brooklyn. Anyone else hear "Suri, Brooklyn" and get just as uncomfortable as David Letterman's Oscar audience did post "Uma, Oprah"? In any case, it seems Tom may have given up the fight towards hooking up Posh 'n Becks to e-meters, and has begun using Suri as a delectable treat for the kids. We can just little Brook Becks now: "Mommy Posh! Suri says honey babas are brilliant! I must have ten this instant!" But Brooklyn may have some serious competition...

As Us reports, Suri's favorite movie thus far is Travolta's drag vehicle Hairspray, leading the Cruise fam to a viewing of the Broadway show while in New York early this month. And Suri's giggles and shy grin upon leaving tend to mean only one thing: she can "hear the bells," and they've been rung by star Ashley Parker Angel. We're just left feeling sorry for Tom's Other Daughter (Isabella, 15, who appears to have overcome that "awkward" stage). When will Katie take her along to the next Scientology mixer at the House of Hubbard?

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• TOM AND KATIE PLAY BABYSITTER FOR THE BECKHAMS AS THEY TAKE BABY SURI TO WATCH DAVID PLAY FOR LA GALAXY [Daily Mail]
• SURI CRUISE'S FAVORITE VIDEO IS HAIRSPRAY! [Us]

Call it a magic moment, call it a completely forced photo opp, but the Cruises and Beckhams did briefly pose on the carpet before entering the Gala. And though Victoria certainly didn't look happy about it, her nipples sure did.

Amidst the sea of designer gowns, we thought Eva Longoria's dramatic ruffle-adorned number was most impressive. Busy and over the top maybe, but her petite little body suddenly looked voluptuous and the midnight purple color was the perfect choice.

Thandie Newton usually kills on the carpet, so we were baffled to see her in this very Madonna circa 1995 S&M lingerie-esque ensemble. And poor Mischa Barton, possibly still smarting from those unflattering balcony bikini pictures, chose a shapeless dress that was boring on the bottom, modern Bride of Frankenstein on the top.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage, Daily Mail]

• TOMKAT AND THE BECKHAMS TURN ON SOME OLD-FASHIONED GLAMOUR - BUT WAS IT TOO OLD FOR POSH? [Daily Mail]

"It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes"...a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight — with little sleep or food."

While Tom hasn't exactly been sending us postcards regarding Katie's conversion and all the progress she's made over the years, we'd always assumed she'd been hooked up to a lie-detecting e-meter for a session or two by now. But apparently those fun interrogations hadn't yet been thoroughly completed (are they ever?). The only issue we have with Star's report has to do, of course, with this "purification" obsession and the alleged 36-hour periods spent without food. Wasn't Katie's dieting tactic one of the reasons Tom became so upset with her in the first place? Apparently splitting meals is far more harmful than that whole Knights Of Hubbard detox plan Kirstie Alley would simply die without following.

• EXCLUSIVE: SCIENTOLOGY BOOT CAMP FOR KATIE HOLMES [Star]

"Holmes is annoyed Beckham is choosing to spend most of her time with new friends Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale."

After reports surfaced that Katie and Tom were not invited to Posh's dinner at Eva Longoria's restaurant last week, Victoria was predictably labeled the villain in the situation. But as we learned yesterday, Cruise had a conflict, which suggests it wasn't Posh's decision to ban the couple from her small gathering. However, as we just noted, Katie is reportedly jealous that Victoria has become chummy with Eva and Kate. But really, Katie, are we still in high school? Sure it's lovely to have a BFF, but this new jealousy-driven behavior is striking us as being very Single White Female of you. We know that Tom keeps you on a short lease, but surely you could find some other pro-Scientology friends to play with. Say, maybe, Erica Christensen or Laura Prepon? We know they're not quite as major as Posh, but at least with those two, you'll always be the queen bee!

[Photo credit: Getty]

• VICTORIA BECKHAM AND KATIE HOLMES' FRIENDSHIP 'STRAINED' [Showbiz Spy]

As we reported, on the night of April 16th when Posh and Becks held an intimate dinner the night before her actual birthday, only a select few glamour girls were invited, like Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale. But being the clever talentless superstar that she is, Posh sneakily planned a bigger, better, over-the-top celebration last night, inviting the more usual suspects like Will Smith, Elton John and Gwen Stefani.

And, thankfully, Tom and Katie. But it turns out Tom had a good excuse for missing last week's gathering; he was busy saving the world one gala at a time by presenting an award at the Will Rogers Motion Picture dinner that night.

And as for Katie, we're never ones to jump on the premature pregnant guessing game, but compared to her most recent trend of showcasing her trim figure with body-hugging dresses, this loosely fitting shift dress is the ideal shape when it comes to hiding baby bumps. Has the all-mighty Cruise sperm struck again?

[Photo credits: X17]

• TOM AND KATIE CELEBRATE VICTORIA'S 34TH [Just Jared]

As we heard last week, Tommy had just about had it with Katie and Posh's buddy system when it came to losing weight, and intended on splitting up the power union so he could have his regular-sized wife back. And we'll never know how they do it (or who "they" is, for that matter), but all the forces of Scientology seem to have come together to dissuade Katie from hanging out with the Beckham bunch in order to please Hubbard Hall of Famer Cruise. But really, we somehow suspect Beckinsale and Longoria are far more fun to hang out with. They both have that ginormous toothy laugh going on, and don't come accompanied by men who are over a foot shorter than them in their heels.

[Photo credit: Pacific Coast News via Daily Mail]

• POSH AND NEW BEST FRIENDS KATE AND EVA DINE OUT AHEAD OF 34TH BIRTHDAY...BUT WHERE WERE THE CRUISES? [Daily Mail]

Becks, 32, and Posh Spice, 33, met staff at a top private nursery attached to a Jewish temple in Los Angeles last week.

A source said: "There's no plan for Cruz to be educated in the Jewish faith.

"It's just one of the best schools for young children in LA." [...]

Becks' mum Sandra's family is Jewish but she doesn't practise and he has no other association with the religion apart from his famous Hebrew tattoo.

But David referred to himself recently as "half Jewish".

Success would certainly count as a coup, as the school's strict admissions policy rarely makes exceptions for non-100% certified Jewish students—i.e., ones not born to a Jewish mother. (Posh, despite all her feroshity and love of a good shmata deal, is a shiksa. We know! It's totally ferkakte!) Still, no L.A. institution is completely immune to the seductions of power and celebrity, and the couple's generous offer to fund The David and Victoria Beckham Jewish Children's Soccer Camp—a stunning facility housed in a Rem Koolhaas-designed, geodesic half-dome meant to resemble a massive yarmulke—may be just the gesture to shuffle their little one to the top of the long waiting list.

[Photo Credit: Future Forcast, Off Beat Ink]

• Beckham is Star of David [The Sun]