Part of an ongoing series of increasingly unsettling clips featuring the Razzie-nominated actor during his forced and lonesome stay in the UK Big Brother house, the imagery tickles multiple fringe sexual-fetishes at once—most of which are illegal in 99% of industrialized countries. Enjoy. [YouTube via Videogum]

The erstwhile Mini-Me had tried his damnedest to inject some poignancy into the escapades of the British reality show, but Big Brother was not having it, instead forcing him to dress up as Pooh and eat an entire jar of honey despite his protestations that it was making him fart. Apparently, the British sense of camp springs from that painful intersection where D-list excavation and humiliating punishment collide (we're sure VH1 is taking notes). Want more proof? We leave you, then, with this quote from the Daily Mail about the episode, to which no more can be added:

For their task, Coolio and Tommy Sheridan were made to dress as toy cars and file through a car wash. They stood looking sad and resigned.

• 'Bear with it,' says Big Brother as the celebs object to dressing as teddies and eating honey [Daily Mail]

After working with Ledger in Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus just before his death, Troyer was moved to replicate part of the actor's signature—a heart—as a tattoo on his hand. Troyer recounted his memories in a sober, touching story that belied its setting: an episode of the UK's Celebrity Big Brother. Luckily, Troyer managed to keep the moment respectful; the only flicker of inappropriate reality show camp came just before he began, as the narrator noted, "4:48 pm. Coolio is in the kitchen." [ONTD]

Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

We can't make this up, nor would we really want to. Troyer may be small, but his heart breaks as big as anyone's, and after all of his bitter, tax-resolving sex-tape misfortune last summer, we're deeply sorry for his loss. Or at least we were before Arganese's gossipy publicity jig was up seconds later:

[A]t least her predilection for petite people has landed her a job. Arganese will be starring in Jeff Beacher's new show, Beacher's Burlesque, opening on Halloween in a yet-to-be-determined casino in Las Vegas. "She's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, and as soon as I heard she was sleeping with every midget in town, I knew she was perfect for my show," Beacher told Page Six.

Evil! But rest assured these people will get what's coming to them — just ask Troyer's ex Ranae Shrider, who'll be the first to tell you it's not social climbing if your date is only 30 inches tall.

• LITTLE GUY BETRAYED BIG TIME [NYP]

“He wants to be with her all the time,” an insider tells In Touch. “It’s already getting serious.” The 39-year-old Austin Powers star recently jetted to Las Vegas with the Montreal-based beauty for a romantic weekend. On September 13, they had dinner at Strip House in Las Vegas. “They drank cocktails and were kissing,” a witness reports. “They spent every minute together and seemed in love.” [...] “He looked happy!” says an insider.

Aww! But who is this comely Québécoise, anyway? Her modeling profile reveals a predilection for gunplay and poker-chip pasties, while her Facebook profile picture suggests a flared, Photoshoppy fondness for what the porn industry colloquially refers to as 'Gina Shine. Beyond that, details are sketchy — but worry not! Once their exploits finally reach market for the holiday gift-giving season, the heavily vetted "tell-all" radio interview won't be far behind. Can't! Wait!

• Verne Troyer moves on [ITW]

Bannon tells Us, "the only abuse that ever occurred in their household was that of emotional abuse inflicted upon Ranae and her dog Lacy on the occasions when he hit Ranae and her dog with his 'reaching sticks' or kicked them when having one of his drunken rages.

"This alleged abuse certainly has not seemed to affect his recent round of interviews or his golf swing over the weekend. Is this not the same man who is renown as a professional stuntman in all his movies?"

Did Troyer take his own cries of, "Pick on someone your own size!" too literally, venting his romantic frustrations on the canine caught in the crossfire? Until forensic detectives comb over his walking stick for evidence, we may never know — though we'd advise that tattling bitch Lacy to avoid bathtubs until this whole matter gets settled.

• Verne Troyer's Ex: Abuse Claims "Riddled With Lie Upon Lie" [Us Magazine]

Verne's killer lawyer, Ed McPherson, tells TMZ, "When you pick up a 2'8" human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts."

In the lawsuit, Troyer basically says the chick terrorized him, once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then throwing him to the floor."

Troyer claims his damages from all that Shrider did to him exceed $20 million.

It's a shame that what began as a simple role-play from the Love Guru trailer could end in tears and recriminations, but we admire Troyer's willingness to think big when asking for damages. However, why stop there? We encourage Troyer to drag Myers into court for a hilarious trial in which Myers would play himself, his own lawyer, the judge, and several of the jury members, each ready with a vaguely Scottish accent and a wan, outdated catch phrase.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Verne to Sex Tape Co-Star: You Beat Me, Bitch! [TMZ]

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Love Guru star Verne Troyer was the person to hang out with at the ESPN X Games Celebrity Golf torment on Tuesday afternoon. Troyer's audience at the tournament included reality TV mavens Brody Jenner and Frankie Delgado, the latter of whom compared the pint size actor's golfing skills to Phil Mickelson. Jenner said, "He's good, but he's nowhere as awesome as K-Fed. He's like the Tiger Woods of celebrity golfers, but Verne is kind of cooler cause he has that sex tape."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

However sad it is, it seems that the aforementioned influential scene of diet pills and pointless high school ambition best exhibited by Jesse's freak-out was not as fictional as our wee tween minds originally believed. According to Vulture's sources, Dustin and his ghostwriter (i.e.: mainly his ghostwriter) will reveal all kinds of details about the "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying" that went on after Mr. Belding shut down the lights each night. As insanely thrilled we are to go and purchase a retro wall SBTB wall calendar on which we shall X out each day until the book is released, there's still a tiny part of us that always hoped Zach and Kelly never actually did the deed after "Cut!" ended the day. Nor do we want to learn the inevitable truth that Slater was on steroids. Same goes for how many rails it took to keep Lisa Turtle from transferring to rival Valley High. Oh well, it can do anything more to ruin our childhood memories than The Phantom Menace did, right?

• SCREECH WRITES 'SAVED BY THE BELL' TELL-ALL [Vulture]

And what of claims made by Shrider, like that she nearly drowned the Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me star in a romantic bubble bath?

"There's no incident like that. She's coming up with things and telling media anything to make it interesting. I haven't seen everything she's done...The things she says just aren't true," he adds.

Must be awkward, then, considering the former couple still live together.

"She's still in the house," Troyer says, noting that he's taking legal action to force her out, but their situation "makes it even harder, to, you know, not strangle her."

But... how would that even work? Anyway, Troyer's pulling through with the help of friends, family and his lawyer, as well as by continued (if "dehydrated") work on films including Heath Ledger's unfinished final project, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. Recalling the late actor's troubled time on set ("He couldn't sleep because he was so wrapped up in the character of Joker in Batman. ... Throughout our shoot it was the same way"), a misty-eyed Troyer nevertheless insisted Ledger was not suicidal — anything but, really, with a Ledger heart sketch eventually making the rounds as the default Parnassus crew tattoo. Troyer pointed out his own on his right hand, conveniently obscuring the small Guru Pitka likeness he drunkenly had inked during production on The Love Guru. Thank God those days are behind him.

• Verne Troyer Talks Sex Tape, Heath Ledger's Death [Yahoo!]

"It wasn't quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn't wear a condom. There was no point, they're all too big."

4. "Verne told me not to reach down and hold his hand when we walked in as he didn't want it to look like a child out with his mum. When we got to the table he'd fixed for the restaurant to pile three thick phone books on the seat so he could be on the same level as me. Once he'd sat down it was just like having dinner with a normal-sized man." — Ranae, on her first date with Verne Troyer (see photo)

3. "I had to kneel down just to give him a hug. And anything but the traditional missionary position was just impossible. So I'd lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees!" — On copulation

2. "For a small guy he's quite well endowed. I had no complaints. It was strange having sex with someone who couldn't reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over. But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing." — On the size and apparent stamina of Verne's mini-me

1. "Without a doubt there's nothing Verne enjoys more than seeing himself on screen. Watching his own films is his favourite hobby. So it was no surprise when he asked if he could film us having sex. He said we could use it to get ourselves turned on. Verne ordered champagne and strawberries to get us in the mood. Then we got down to it. First the tape shows Verne pleasuring me for 15 minutes which was amazing. The next 45 minutes is us having sex. And we really enjoyed ourselves." — On what viewers can expect to see on their sex tape

Now, if you'll excuse us, we're off to take a long, long shower. We have a feeling that no amount of scrubbing will ever fully cleanse us from this experience.

[Photo Credit: News Of The World]

• Mini-Me Sex Tape Secret [News Of The World]

Which, apart from unanswered questions after the jump about Verne's junk, is the most important thing:

The state of California filed a $26,812 lien against Troyer on April 25 for unpaid taxes. Troyer owes taxes from 2004-05, according to the Los Angeles County Recorder of Deeds office.

The IRS filed a $256,551 lien against Troyer on March 26, 2007, for unpaid income taxes. He owes taxes from 2003-04, according to the Los Angeles County Recorder of Deeds office.

His side: Troyer could not be reached for comment. His former manager, Elena Fondacaro, said the tax issue is being addressed. "Some of that is false information," she said. "It's taken care of —it's being handled —I should say. It's not as bad as it looks."

But what about... you know. How does that look? Troyer's ex-girlfriend and scene partner Ranae Shrider wasn't having any part of it in an interview this morning with a DJ in Tampa; "They were together six months," her manager intervened, "So he must have made her happy." Thank God, we guess — we'd hoped to have not given our retinas for anything less.

• Tax man takes big bite out of 'Mini-Me' actor [Detroit News]
• Verne Troyer's Sex Tape Partner Speaks! [WFLZ]

Yes, that's Mini-Me Verne Troyer in a sex tape shot with his former live-in girlfriend at the couple's apartment. A third party has snatched up the tape and although no deal has been made, we hear dealer Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris' video, is entertaining a $100k offer from SugarDVD to distribute the nastiness.

While we are still too mortified by the sight of Verne Troyer frenching some ho to properly collect our thoughts, we will go out on a limb and say that this sex tape will certainly prove to be more exciting that that snoozer of a vid that Kim Kardashian put out. And if the publicity gods are willing, maybe this means renewed hope for The Love Guru's second weekend at the box office, after all. Then again, let's hope not. See you in Gomorrah, peeps!

• Mini-Me Sex Tape: Avert Your Eyes [TMZ]

• WATCH VIDEO

• WATCH VIDEO

Joining in this campaign is the Spiritual Science Research Foundation, whose editor Sean Clarke has outlined the spiritual consequence for being associated in the movie. Based on an afterlife demerit point system, those involved with making the movie can anticipate residence in the second region of hell for 1,000 years. Watching it for entertainment would carry its share of consequences, too.

As baffled others are quick to point out, anti-Love Guru spearhead Rajan Zed has not yet seen the movie, though Paramount reportedly promised him an early preview that he pledged to take advantage of. Still, we are deeply troubled by the 1,000 years of damnation facing beloved figures like Myers, Alba and particularly Verne Troyer, whose one-two punch of Postal and The Love Guru (not to mention his mortifying Surreal Life stint prior to that) seems like a millennium of personal and professional hell no Hindu demerits could possibly outstack.

And anyway, if a real-life love guru can get out of a molestation rap in Texas for $10 million, surely the stars can bargain with someone in this crowd who has some afterlife influence.

• Hating the Love Guru [Eye Weekly]

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Star of the upcoming film The Love Guru, Verne Troyer had the limo ride from hell on Monday afternoon. At first, the limo driver thought Troyer was the talking baby from the eTrade commercial and asked if he had any hot stock tips. Troyer explained that he was an actor, prompting the driver to ask him if he ever had been a Vin Diesel impersonator. At the trip progressed on, the driver asked if Troyer had met anybody famous during his acting career like that guy from The Sopranos or that girl from Dancing With The Stars.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]