The site OceanUP has published pictures of both stars accommodating a fan in what appears to be a very unlikely location: a sex shop. Never did we think that leaked Zac Efron dildo pictures would emerge in quite this way! Here at Defamer's West Coast branch, we've put our innocent minds on the line to ID all the sex paraphernalia the Disney stars have been photographed with (trust us, the downright filthy NYC office would have had everything diagnosed and purchased online within five minutes). Won't you help us out?

• Zac Efron Vanessa Hudgens SEX Store [OceanUp]

WHAT'S NEW: Excepting battles for second place, we haven't had a good duel at the box office for a while now. We don't really have one this week either, but we're keeping an eye on High School Musical 3: Senior Year and Saw V for symbolic value alone: Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens and the rest of their East High cohorts may be the first force to vanquish the splatter series on opening day since it launched in 2004. We talked a bit yesterday about HSM3's unprecedented market, and we stand by our $38 million call. Saw V will catch the older kids forced to drive their blubbering siblings to the mall; that and the fanboy cult should treat the film to a $29.7 million opening.

As if HSM3 and Beverly Hills Chihuahua weren't enough of a full-time cultural assault, Disney has Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D as well to court the Halloween crowd; that should pick up at least $5.3 million on 284 screens. Angelina Jolie and Clint Eastwood's missing-child melodrama Changeling also opens small today before platforming wide Oct. 31; we'll get into it a little more at that time. Also opening: The Anne Hathaway/Patrick Wilson ESP thriller Passengers (we hadn't heard of it either); the middling Disney/Bollywood animated effort Roadside Romeo; Kristin Scott-Thomas's Oscar bait I've Loved You So Long; and probably the best Swedish vampire coming-of-age film ever made, Let the Right One In.

THE BIG LOSER: The week's other wide release, the shouty cop-family drama Pride and Glory, finally gets its furlough from the New Line tombs after a nearly two-year delay. But buzz is low, reviews are upside-down, and Ed Norton and Colin Farrell can't open a window these days let alone a big Warner Bros. offering. It'll be left with about $7 million worth of Max Payne's week-two scraps before being reassigned to a nice, quiet desk back at the precinct.

THE UNDERDOG: As predicted here last month, the confounding appeal of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman's directorial debut Synecdoche, New York will likely never play at the box office. But in Philip Seymour Hoffman's performance as a theater director attempting to stage his life's work despite a wayward wife (Catherine Keener), a quickly jaded paramour (Michellle Williams), a fragmented lover/aide (Samantha Morton, giving way to doppelganger Emily Watson), black holes in the time/space continuum and a variety of debilitating physical ailments, you will find the anchor in both the saddest, sweetest perplexity of Kaufman's career and quite possibly the best American film of the year. Just as no volume of words can or even should describe what's happening here (though we will try in our love letter to come later today), we can't recommend enough that you find two hours in your weekend — and then however many years of contemplation afterward — to accommodate this masterpiece.

FOR SHUT-INS: This week's few DVD releases of note include The Incredible Hulk (both Marvel's folly from last summer and the collected TV series), the scary Liv Tyler sleeper The Strangers, Craig Lucas's Sundance blip Birds of America and for the exhaustive Hoff completist in all of us, Knight Rider: The Complete Series.

Is a tween riot enough to keep you from the multiplex this weekend? Will you defy Saw V's marketing campaign and actually believe how it ends? Have you yet put off laundry for another day to take in Synecdoche, New York? Better yet, call in sick and let's make it a holiday. Tell your boss we said it's all right.

Boomp3.com

Living legend Dustin Hoffman stopped off at a Brentwood magazine kiosk looking to pick up his weekly fix of the celebrity gossip rags. However a crowd quickly developed once the I Heart Huckabees star arrived, forcing Hoffman to feign interest in more serious fare like the Economist and The New Yorker. The crowd eventually went away, allowing the Hoffeweizen to scoop his favorite mags. Walking away, Hoffman was overheard to have said, “Oh, I’m so glad to see Zac and Vanessa are so in love together.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Us
"How I Saved My Son." To be honest, we couldn't really get into this cover story. Meaning: refused to read it. Intern Margaret applauds Jenny McCarthy's efforts, but… yeah. Also inside: According to Jason Alexander, the guy that Britney married for 55 hours, he has renewed his friendship with Brit. Britney's rep denies this. There are two pages about Jen Aniston and John Mayer being back on: They spent the weekend together in New York! Plus: Shanna Moakler describes Travis Barker's skin grafts: "That's when they shave the skin off and then staple cadaver and pig skin right on, so the skin underneath can heal." Science! Lastly: American Idol's Nikki McKibbin wed her childhood rollerskating coach. She'll appear on the second season of Celebrity Rehab.
Grade: F- (silt)


OK!
"Young, Rich & In Love!" Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are YR&IL. They vacation together, work out in matching outfits and own million dollar homes. He's 21, she's 19. Yawn. Moving on: Kelly Ripa was at the Madonna concert and totally got to sing along when Madonna handed her the mic during a song! Is The Hills over? An insider says: "No one gets along anymore. Whitney moved to New York, Audrina can't stand to be in the same room as Lauren anymore, and they all want more money." Hey, ever notice how Katie Holmes and Mr. Spock look alike (Fig. 1)? Next, profound words from Eva Mendes: "My secret obsession is love. I love 'love!' I love being in love, and I love having someone be in love with me. Love is the sexiest thing in the world." So, this is probably bullshit, but there's a 2-page story about how even though they broke up 2 years ago, Cameron Diaz is still pining for Matt Dillon. "I'm sure she still thinks about him — a lot." a pal of Cammie's says.
Grade: F (sludge)


Life & Style
"I'm Pregnant!" If you care about The Bachelor's Trista Rehn Sutter, then you'll be interested to know she is knocked up again. Another story we refused to read. Moving on: Angelina bought the same dress in 6 colors (Fig. 2). Jamie Lynn Spears has been "struggling" to shoot down reports that she is pregnant again. "I'm not pregnant," Jamie Lynn says. At her concert, Madonna dedicated a song to "anyone with intimacy issues." Her marriage is "all but dead," says a source. Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes a cross as a gift for appearing on Broadway. The mag points out that it is more like a Catholic cross than a Scientology cross, which has eight points. But, it's actually a square cross, like the Red Cross. Whatevs. Lastly: A picture of Sarah Jessica Parker as a kid. Cute! (Fig.3)
Grade: F+ (sand)


In Touch
"I'm Not Anorexic." Basically this is a six-page series of articles calling out "scary skinny" actresses and explaining why they are so slim. Lindsay Lohan is on a "risky new diet" that involves Redline, an energy drink that promises to burn fat through a shivering response. Like a chihuahua? A doctor says it's pretty close to being an amphetamine. Anne Hathaway has eliminated carbs and sugar and become and "insane" calorie counter. Angelina Jolie is only eating 1,000 calories a day, and there's a chart so you can play along at home! The mag also claims that in those pix where she's wearing that black dress at the premiere of Changeling she's also wearing a "custom made corset." Could it be called "Spanx"? As for Keira Knightley, she is still insisting that she is naturally thin, but that doesn't stop the magazine from drawing arrows that point to her "thin arms" and "skeletal back." A pal says of Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock: "She works out 4 to 5 hours almost every day." Moving on: Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony came up with the idea for their second wedding at 12:30 am after seeing the Las Vegas Pussycat Dolls. The Hills' Justin Bobby speaks! He was overheard telling a pal he never hooked up with Lauren Conrad and it's all for the show. "When a group of blondes tried to ask him about it, he threatened to punch them," says an onlooker. Gossip Girl stars Taylor Momsen and Chace Crawford were spotted making out at two parties in NYC. Even though they go to the same school on Gossip Girl, in real life he is 23 and she is 15! Rose McGowan is going to marry director Robert Rodriguez after all: They'd taken a three-month break, but it's back on. Jessica Lowndes and Adam Gregory from 90210 are dating, if you care. Ooh, exclusive interview with Holly Madison: "There were a lot of people — not just Hef — who wanted me to pretend we were still together for the sake of the show." She also says: "I want to be out of there by Halloween. It is so awkward being there, because he is dating other people." Also! She'd been getting fertility treatments but the clinic told her pregnancy wasn't possible because Hef was too old. Next: An interview with Kelli Dawson, the woman who claims she had relationship with Casey Aldridge (he denied last week it in OK!) says: "I heard that [Jaime Lynn] told Casey she is pregnant." Lastly, a sausage-loving town in Rostov-on-Don, Russia, has an exhibition of masterpieces of art made entirely out of slices of local sausages and meat (Fig. 4).
Grade: C- (cyanide-processed gold ingot)


Star
"Stars Without Makeup." Well, they just did this EXACT SAME STORY in July, but here it is again. Intern Margaret says that in the "without makeup" pictures, they are all wearing makeup. Eyeliner or something. She also says they all look pretty damn good "without" makeup. Also inside: Rihanna was spotted sitting on Kanye West's lap backstage at a T.I. concert in Hollywood. "Before long, the two were full-on kissing each other," says a source. Scandalous! To mark her 55th birthday in January, Oprah is giving herself the gift of $500,000 in plastic surgery. Star actually creates before and after pictures so you don't have to use your imagination (Fig. 5)! Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have renewed their romance with intimate dinners at John's Soho apartment. She checked into a hotel, but it was just for show. A source says: "She actually spent her nights at John's place. They ordered sushi and watched movies and he played the guitar for her. She spent several nights there. And yes, they slept together. Jen says the sex is amazing and that she can't help herself — she's crazy about him!" Who is this source, the sheets? In Maureen McCormick's upcoming book, she discusses her sexual experimentation with Greg Brady, how she fell into coke, and it includes the following info: "A contractor named Harrison Ford made her a special hot tub with a hidden compartment she used to stash cocaine."
Grade: C (gold ore)


Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Boomp3.com

At the Paris premiere of the latest chapter in the exhilarating High School Musical series, hunky film star Zac Efron admitted to long time gal pal Vanessa Hudgens that she’s nearly as pretty as he is. The pint sized hunk admitted that being in the City of Lights could have had an influence on his decision to call his musical partner pretty. Efron said, “She usually looks good, but something there’s just something about tonight.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

High School Musical trilogy star Vanessa Hudgens attempted to make a quick and anonymous exit from the Los Angeles area home of hunky boyfriend Zac Efron. Disguising herself in Efron's unwashed gym clothes, Hudgens assumed she'd be able to sneak away as one of Efron's friends or even as Efron himself. Yet as one photog said, "The sandals are kind of a give away, you know?"

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Yes, even with his hipster tighty stretch jeans and slim calves post-workout, Zac 1.0 was the epitome of our every tween to teen girl's fantasy boyfriend. He could sing! He could fake love for vocally decent but dancing-challenged Vanessa Hudgens! He won the gold medal for "Most Wanted" celebrity in something called The Celebrity Black Book in 2007! This new and improved (or as the Brits like to call it, "wee and weedy") transformation into a muscle-tee sporting poster child for steroids' unpleasant side effects has minimized our crush to shameful Kieran Culkin levels of perviness.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• FROM SCRAWNY SCHOOLBOY ZAC EFRON BULKS UP [Daily Mail]

boomp3.com

Some people go to New York City to see the landmarks and museums and some go just to stand outside the various morning news show in order to propose to their significant others. And then there are individuals, such as High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens, who just go for the pizza and to live on a New York City diet built entirely around eating slices whenever humanly possible.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

Just last week, kiddy-pornish pics of Miley in the tub with other underage-y girls surfaced, likely breaking Billy Cyrus's achy-breaky heart all over again, adding yet another member to Disney's Teen Nudie Pics Club (Cough, Vanessa Hudgens, cough). But aside from a few sorta lezzy tub pics, the possibility of Cyrus claiming the #1 spot in theaters this weekend means that the industry might want to take a more serious look at movies for 11 year-old chicks no longer obsessed with Paris/Lindsay/Nicole tackiness. If tween girls do in fact rule the world, does that mean a) Mitt Romney will get elected cuz he's totes hot, b) Brit Brit's black lacy number she prefers riding gurneys in will be in for promz and c) babies makin' babies is the hottest trend4eva? As Leonard Cohen predicted, the future, our friends, is murder.

[Photo Credit: TV Crunch]

• 'HANNAH' TAKES ON 'EYE' AT BOX OFFICE [Variety]

·Once again indulging the female facial hair fetish she previously explored via her memorable Frida unibrow, Salma Hayek will play the bearded lady in Paul Weitz's Cirque du Freak. [Variety]
· How is the writers strike affecting Canadians starved for imported American TV content? Click through and find out! [THR]
· Christian Bale is "in negotiations" to join Michael Mann's movie Public Enemy as the FBI agent hot on the trail of Johnny Depp's legendarily beschlonged mobster John Dillinger. [Variety]

"Disney finally decided that they don't want her back," an insider reveals to OK!.

"They feel that as long as Zac Efron is in the movie, all will be fine. He's the real star — the household name — and, most importantly, he comes without baggage."

While Efron might be enjoying some flash-in-the-pan heartthrob status, history has shown us time and again where that particular deal with a tweenage Satan can lead. Hudgens, meanwhile, is hardly out of the game; if she plays her cards just right, she can parlay her banishment from Disney's never-nude Eden into lucrative subsequent career-acts as an MTV VJ, E! News Correspondent, View co-panelist, Proactiv spokesperson, and Vegas magician's assistant, in that order.

UPDATE: Hudgens's people discredit the story, claim they are still in talks for HSM3.

• Curtains for Vanessa's High School Musical [OK!]

"A 'prehab' (program) would be terrific for young artists," says acting coach John Kirby. "However, most of the time, because of their desire to fit in and a great desperation for popularity, it becomes difficult to hold onto so many of the original values they were taught." [...]

Nickelodeon has a policy of putting its actors through a program called "Nick 101" at the start of each season. Executive producers and Nick execs bring the casts together and discuss everything from what a "call time" means to how to prep in advance when they get scripts to how they need to conduct themselves in public when fans inevitably approach them.

"For a lot of our kids, getting on one of our shows is their first job," says Paula Kaplan, executive VP of talent for Nick. "They need to be told that they should never give out their phone number or email address. They need to be told in advance that they're now a public figure and people are going to come up to them."

That Nickelodeon's stable of child stars has remained relatively scandal-free is a testament to the efficacy of their program of instruction. As Disney watches its current talent and troubled alumni succumb to pregnancy hoaxes, racy photo scandals, and serial rehabilitations, the company may decide it needs to adopt Nick 101-inspired "Surviving Disney" coursework to keep it competitive in a complicated, tabloid-obsessed world; in addition to teaching the basics of show business life to its younger employees, it can go a step further by providing the crucial crisis management skills required of those transitioning to more adult Hollywood careers, offering advanced classes like "Just Press Delete: Erasing The Nudie Pics That Could Alienate The Tween Fanbase That's Growing Up With You" and "Yes, Those Were My Coke Pants: Learning To Take Responsibility For Your Actions."

• Could 'prehab' save showbiz teens? [Variety]

She has since reemerged upon the scene, in a network-approved, flash-resistant sequined potato sack that leaves everything but her knees to the imagination. Bucking the trend, however, is Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus, who found herself the victim of a pregnancy hoax, and has turned to Extra's cameras to defend her virtue:

Cyrus opened up about all those pregnancy rumors saying, "It's given me the street cred to say that would be impossible, because I'm living my life the way I believe is right and that is to stay pure." Cyrus does not believe in sex before marriage, she said, "No, I don't at all!"

So committed is she to saving herself for her future husband that Cyrus has already attended a father-daughter purity ball on the arm of her bemulleted cowboy dad, Billy Ray. After pledging him her undying virginity in a ring exchange ceremony, the two shared a touching line dance, in which they do-si-do'd their shared commitment to preserving Miley's purity to the familiar strains of Achy Breaky Heart.

• Miley Cyrus Lashes Out [ExtraTV.com]
• Vanessa Hudgens Makes First Post-Scandal Public Appearance [UsMagazine.com]

"I want to apologize to my fans, whose support and trust means the world to me," said Hudgens. "I am embarrassed over this situation and regret having ever taken these photos. I am thankful for the support of my family and friends."

We're sure her public will quickly forgive her for this youthful indiscretion, knowing that in this age of self-leaked, poorly art-directed sex tapes, they're lucky that their tweens weren't prematurely ended by stumbling upon grainy night-vision footage of their hero copulating with co-star/rumored boyfriend Zac Efron while innocently surfing High School Musical fan sites.

• High School Musical Star Apologizes to Fans [ABC News]