As you'll recall, He's Just Not That Into You — aggressively marketed toward women and released right around the advertising-driven fauxliday known as Valentine's Day — made upwards of $94 million. So the executives at New Line decided to milk the conceit — chicks love love, after all — and greenlight another film devised to separate women from their money by slapping some big-name celebs (Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper and Shirley MacLaine) on a story that supposedly tugs at the heart.

On March 11, before I'd read the script for Valentine's Day, I wrote:

I can already guess that one woman, who you think will stay single, will suddenly find a date; one woman, who you think will have a date, will suddenly be single; and one couple will remain together despite going through a dilemma that should tear them apart.

I was right!

Truthfully, VD is not terrible. But: It's not sweepingly epic enough to be truly romantic, and there aren't tons of jokes, so, much like He's Just Not That Into You, it's technically not a romcom. They are similar in that the movie consists of supershort scenes from each of the ensemble cast's day; a device successful in Love, Actually but more shallow and less charming here. The script is written by Katherine Fugate, whose TV credits include Army Wives, and Xena: Warrior Princess.

The entire movie takes place in one day, and follows different people — a teenage girl intent on losing her virginity; a 30something guy who's just proposed; 20-something coworkers who've just hooked up; a still-blissfully-in-love couple in their 70s, among others — and shows what happens to them on the magical day known as Valentine's Day.

Explains one character — the guy who's just gotten engaged: "Today I can be the kind of cheeseball who tells random people at the ATM about it because it's Valentine's Day and people are all about love today." (This statement is uttered while driving in a van, and immediately after, a "road rager" yells, "Will you use your freakin turn signal you freaking pansy?" Hence: "Comedy.")

Other problems: There's a kid whose character seems so similar to the little boy in Love, Actually, that it was distracting. The guy who's just gotten engaged works at a flower shop, where all of the employees underneath him seem to be extremely stereotypical Latino clichés. One character, a reporter, goes around interviewing people about Valentine's Day, and encounters an 18-year-old girl identified in the script only as a "petite round CHOLA." She, naturally, has liquid liner and utters these words:

CHOLA:
I was hot like jalapena, sexing him
up whenever he wanted. I would
have done anything for that vato,
but still he whored around.

When I read these words, I cringed. Are there Mexican-American girls in L.A. who talk like this? Maybe. But does Hollywood have to perpetuate this cliché on screen?

It was also pretty depressing to read the successful, single woman in the script say:

I haven't had a date on Valentine's
day in almost 10 years. I mean -
it's mostly by choice. I put all
my energy into this job, into
taking care of my clients - and I
know I don't put myself out there
at all - but still - 10 years.
Isn't that pathetic?

The thing that I hate most about
this day - honestly - is that I'm
embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that
it makes me feel as bad about being
alone as it does.

I mean, the character has a point, and these feelings are valid — but isn't naming your script Valentine's Day and releasing it in time for Valentine's Day — and making it a "romcom" in which everybody has happy endings just compounding the issue? What if Valentine's Day were about a band of single women who tried to take down the commercial holiday through renegade street art and guerilla acts of crafty drugstore terrorism? Hmm?

To its credit, VD has (gasp!) a black character in it. Not just a black person, a BLACK MAN. And unlike HJNTIY, there's a nice range of ages, proving that life after 30 exists. In addition, whichever comic moments seem a little flat on the page may be energized with some great direction and acting.

That said, the script was incredibly predictable — considering I called most of the plot "twists" before I'd even read it. True, this is a draft. Things change. But even more frustrating is the notion that because I'm a woman, this is what I want for Valentine's Day.

Earlier: Valentine's Day: What He's Just Not That Into You Hath Wrought

The executives at New Line Cinema can't wait to take more hard-earned cash from women who don't care about storyline and just want to see something about dating and love — again!

That's why there is a project in the works called Valentine's Day. It will hit theaters right before — wait for it — Valentine's Day, 2010. The plot? The plot is iffy. Something about "would-be romantics working their way through a tangle of circumstances in L.A." But that doesn't matter, because Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and Shirley MacLaine will be in it. And Bradley Cooper. New Line will come up with a way to work a story around these people, since all that matters is that there's money to be made. Apparently, He's Just Not That Into You proved that women want to go see "romantic" movies — with other women or a date — right around Valentine's Day.

I have nothing against romance, comedies, or romcoms. I love stuff like When Harry Met Sally, Flirting, and Amelie — thoughtful films with strong writing and characters who are forces of nature. But He's Just Not That Into You — a movie based on a self-help book based on a catchphrase from a TV show — lacked substance and soul; the characters might have well have been cardboard cut-outs with labels like "The Optimist" or "The Seductress" taped to them. And for every bad review, there was a person who said, "I'm gonna see it anyway." Now the studio has 94 million reasons to pull that shit again.

As I wrote earlier this year, when you go see a movie like He's Just Not That Into You, you're casting a vote, telling Hollywood you want more flicks in the same vein. And this is what HJNTIY's box office bonanza hath wrought: Valentine's Day. As a former screenwriting major, it is painful to read that this project is being dictated by a calendar date — along with a cast and director (Garry Marshall) — and not by an actual story someone was inspired to write.

Who knows? Maybe there will be some surprises! Maybe they'll change the title to Single Awareness Day. Maybe some great writer (writers, plural, probably) will be hired by the studio to come up with a perfectly charming Valentine's Day tale. (I can already guess that one woman, who you think will stay single, will suddenly find a date; one woman, who you think will have a date, will suddenly be single; and one couple will remain together despite going through a dilemma that should tear them apart.) But for now, I'm already announcing that I'm just not that into it.

Hollywood Has Feb. 14 Circled in Red [NY Times]

Earlier: Liveblogging He's Just Not That Into You
Cliché-Laden Chick Flick Tries To Convince You It's Not Full Of Clichés
He's Just Not That Into You: Gay Minstrel Show?
More Reasons Not To Get Into He's Just Not That Into You
He's Just Not That Into You - First Review
There's No Way You'll Be Into He's Just Not That Into You

Adding new details to an earlier Post item, \Justin Rocket Silverman blogs that he was outside a party for Charlotte Ronson at the Eldridge when he saw Lohan girlfriend Samantha Ronson storm out, "a scowl on her face." Lindsay soon followed, chasing after Ronson. Silverman soon followed, notebook in hand, following the fighting couple. By just "a few steps."

At one point Samantha stopped in the middle of Houston Street and said something in a whisper.

"What are you talking about?" shrieked Lindsay in response, "I've been with you all night!"

The couple disappeared into the Bowery Hotel, and Silverman did some reflecting.

As I strolled away, I was struck by two things. First- how painful it must be to have a lover [Ronson] who is so much older, and probably more emotionally mature, toy with your heart and mind.

Second- how identical Lindsay Lohan's screams sounded to the drunken female cries I hear every night outside my East Village window.

As we read Silverman's Post post, we were struck by two things. First, how painful (yet denial-piercing) it must be to have an intrepid reporter document one's inaugural Valentine's Day blow-out fight.

Second, why was a pin-up like Silverman working on the gossip beat on Valentine's? Still single, apparently. Sigh. We did our best, Rocketman.

L'Auberge Espagnole
About a young Frenchman's study abroad experience in Spain. This isn't really a romance per se—I mean, there's kissing and sex and stuff, but it's not the main focus. But you will swoon at the locations and the sexy accents and feel 20 years old and adventurous again. A real delight.

Maurice
A Merchant Ivory weepy about British school chums who are secret homos. It's stuffy and terribly British, but with an undercurrent of raw, wild abandon. If you see only one movie this year about Hugh Grant being a floppy, charming prick, make it this one.

Swimming Pool
A curious, strange psychosexual thriller starring the queen of curious, strange psychosexual thrillers, Charlotte Rampling. She's half the sexy draw here, the other half being the little old gardener man. Kidding. It's Ludivine Sagnier as the bratty, coitus-crazed daughter of Rampling's editor. A creeper.

The Talented Mr. Ripley
You've probably all seen this, but if one of you hasn't, please rent it. In my mind it's Anthony Minghella's best film. And if you don't find Jude Law, Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett, Gwyneth Paltrow, or Jack Davenport (or, I guess, James Rebhorn) sexy, then the Italian locales alone should get your delicates in a bundle. Sure there's lots of scary murder and stuff but... oh well. If you've seen this already, Minghella's over-criticized-of-late The English Patient is also a swooner.

A Very Long Engagement
France. World War I. The adorable Audrey Tautou. Her wonderful Amelie director, Jean-Pierre Jeunet. It's all delightful, funny, and sad. But best of all is Gaspard Ulliel. Marvel and wonder "can that actually be a real person?"

So those are my choices. Not really any American movies, I guess. You could, I dunno, rent Bull Durham or something if you want a local pick.

Happy day.

Her name, as if you can't read for yourself, is Phyllis J McGuire, and let there be no mistaking it: She is romance. A visit to phyllisjmcguire.com reveals that the lady with the sparkly jewels, gravity-defying bouffant, and custom-made straight-jacket of pink cashmere is one-third of popular wartime singing group The McGuire Sisters. What's more, Phyllis is the recipient of the "the largest flower delivery in history"—12,000 roses—earning her the well-deserved title of The International Ambassadress of Valentine's Day, which we just made up. (It just so happens, Heart-Shaped Candy Day is also PJM's birthday.)

We suppose this is as good an opportunity as any to mention that we love you. Each and every one of you. There we go again. Phyllis made us do it.

• phyllisjmcguire.com/

• ABC Valentines [abc.go.com]