He is but one in a long line of illustrious celebrity Bacchus royalty that includes William Shatner, Billy Crystal, James Gandolfini, Bob Hope, Nicolas Cage, Kirk Douglas, Charlton Heston and Ron Howard, the last of whom is still revered by locals for having ushered in the most orgiastic and sin-drenched frenzy the French Quarter has ever seen, and earning him the title His Royal Majesty King Opie the Naughty.

Let the revelries commence! Cleanshaven David Crosby King Val commands it to be so!

• Kilmer to be king of Bacchus in New Orleans parade [AP]

By cellphone from Bulgaria, he said: "There's sort of a rumor around that I'm maybe thinking about running to be governor of New Mexico? Well, it's sort of true. It's been my home 25 years. I really love my state. Poor, hardworking, decent people - Native Americans, carpenters, artists, expats mixed in with hundreds of the world's smartest physicists at Los Alamos. I've always thought of myself as functioning as a candidate for them.

"The media interests me and it's influenced politicians since the '60s, and I'm approaching this as a worthy serious endeavor. I would be very comfortable in my position as a representative for the people."

"People in the state are being supportive. Our current governor, Bill Richardson, who's hoping to be picked as secretary of state, and whom I've seen down in the dirt helping people you know could never help him in return, and whom I love, had a dinner for me and said not to dismiss the idea. Said I could be a great governor.

With Richardson's endorsement in his pocket, might we soon be addressing the voice of K.I.T.T. as "Governor Kilmer?" We don't want to get our hopes up too high, however, as Kilmer has proven in the past to be more of a wide-eyed dreamer than a doer: Two years later, we have yet to see a single ValZone organic food product, his proposed self-charitable celebrity grocery effort, on store shelves.

• SENATOR PREDICTED PRESIDENT OBAMA [Page Six]

And it gets better: Stephen Dorff stars as the amnesiac could-be assassin, with Val Kilmer appearing as the mercenary pursuing him. They started filming way back in April, when Bristol Palin was still unseeded and Mike Huckabee was the biggest thorn in McCain's side. The Peacock has all the luck these days! Anyway, for now, XIII is still on for an unspecified date later this fall — much later.

• 'XIII' [NBC via Chexydecimal]

In today's episode: Al Pacino; Matthew Perry; Val Kilmer; John Krasinski; Vince Vaughn; Spencer Pratt; Heidi Montag; Chris Evans; Simon Rex; Kathie Lee Gifford; Stephen Cojocaru; Dee Snider; Danni Minogue; Mel C.; Randall Kleiser

Wednesday (4/2) Polo Lounge lunch: Al Pacino, in a group of older, possibly producer/artiste-types getting shitfaced.

3/31: At the Fox and Hounds pub in Studio City when who should walk in to sit at a nearby table but Mr. Chandler Bing himself, Matthew Perry. He proceeded to sit at a table surrounded by 4 or 5 girls dressed more for a night of clubbing than for trivia, but I guess someone knew their stuff because their team came in second overall. Matt got up for the joke round and proceeded to tell a tale involving elephant penises (was too drunk to remember the actual joke).

Val Kilmer was on my Virgin America flight from JFK to LAX yesterday (4/1) with his two kids. He's looking hot again, with some highlights and less weight than those unflattering photos of him from last summer. He kept walking up and down the aisles, presumably so people would notice him.

Last night (4/2) at LAX John Krasinski cut in line like he's some entitled uber-celebrity and not just 'that jim guy from the office who couldn't pick a decent movie script if his life depended on it'. Old people were in that line, including my nanna and poppa, and that's never okay. He had a tall chick in tow.

I just got home from watching 21 at the Arclight in Hollywood (04/03 at 10:30pm). Vince Vaughn was walking out in front of us. He looked happy, smiling, and well fed. He was with another guy who could have been a foot shorter than Vince and looked like George Costanza.

4/4: I was just stuck in traffic driving down sunset and a dirty black bmw pulls up next to me. a guy with dirty blonde hair is driving so i look over to see if he's cute or not and OH MY GOD it's spencer pratt. dear lord, why?!? he leans forward and heidi is sitting there in the car with him.

4/2: Chris Evans and Simon Rex at Stone Rose - Evans is hot in a fratty way, but still shorter than you'd expect (I remain shocked by the height challenges of Hollywood stars), kept randomly dancing about and running into people. Rex doesn't look nearly as wrecked as you would expect from someone who has gotten down with P. Hilton, but he genuinely dances like he's mentally incapacitated.

Tuesday (4/1) Polo Lounge sighting (admittedly extremely ho-hum) was Kathie Lee Gifford, loudly "look-at-me, I'm actually working again after ten years of humiliation and shame, eat me Katie Couric" singing songs from some album she announced was some kind of teen thing (yeah, the kids just love KTG!).

Cojo at the Beverly Center Macy's on April 2nd in the early afternoon. He was filming some sort of spring fashion segment about the color yellow, in a very loud grating voice.

4/2 PM: Dee Snider eating dinner at SimonLA looking exactly like he looks in every picture you've ever seen of him, chatting with Kerry Simon himself.

4/1: I was roped into going to the Dancing with the Starstaping yesterday at the CBS studios. Sat a few down from Danni Minogue who was there to see her sister sing. Kylie kept looking at her sister throughout the performance. After both songs she would make faces at her poking fun at her own outfit and dance moves. Actually seems like they have good senses of humor about themselves and are close. Other sightings included Mel C.

Runyon Canyon last Saturday afternoon (3/29) with a bunch of friends. We were on the way down and spotted a passel of older gay gentlemen, one of whom was shirtless and quite leathery. Upon closer inspection, the shirtless man turned out to be Randall Kleiser (director of Grease and The Blue Lagoon). The dude must be 60 but he's still fit... just leathery as well.

First, we present the leading men we suspect Kate had no problems getting down and dirty with, from Brandon Routh in Superman Returns to surfer boy Matt Davis in Blue Crush (at right). And though Kate claims some booze was consumed before making out with Jim in 21, we're pretty sure she didn't turn to her stash carefully hidden in the wardrobe department just so she could get through the shoot, judging by this image of him from the movie, at center.

But what of these three? In the college sex 'n drugs flick Rules of Attraction, Kate had to go at it with spikey-haired, long-faced James Van Der Beek, who played a drug-addled violent kid causing trouble. We suspect pills in the benzo category were required; maybe a little Valium or Ativan to numb herself out take after take. And then there was that gruesome bathroom sex scene with Val Kilmer in Wonderland. Kilmer can certainly be a looker when he cleans up, but playing (yup, another) druggie with greasy hair and a ten-o-clock shadow, we're guessing Kate hit the gin hard before getting banged around for this scene. And finally we come to the lovely Kevin Spacey, her other 21 co-star. Personally we wouldn't mind making out with Kev sober, but that's only if we figure out a way to unplug our gaydar. We figure Kate just smoked a joint or two and imagined a parallel universe in which all those gay rumors didn't exist.

Cheers to Kate for proving that sex scenes, no matter who you do 'em with, can be one big high after another.

• KATE BOSWORTH BLACKS OUT HER STEAMY '21' LOVE SCENE [People]

June 2006: "Reese Witherspoon: She's Not Pregnant, It's Bloat!" Star Magazine
After Reese played the lawsuit game with Star for claiming she was pregnant, the magazine launched a counterattack with this doozy.

May 10, 2007:"Val Kilmer Goes From Batman To Fatman," The Daily Mail
Among the story's gems were, "where a six pack once rippled on Val Kilmer's chest, now stands what looks more like a rather large beer belly," and "there appeared to be a lot more to Kilmer than once met the eye." But the report does give Kilmer one reason not to just drift off into the waves and end it all then: "Despite his growing paunch, Kilmer appears to be working harder than ever." Yes, believe it or not, Kilmer's expanding waistline didn't prevent him from acting! Astonishing.

November 2004: "260-lb Kirstie: Too Fat For Sex!" Star Magazine
At her worst, Kirstie wasn't exactly adored by the weeklies, who happily decorated their covers week after week with the world's most unflattering photos and cover stories. But rather than suing them all, she used some of the more stellar headlines in her comeback vehicle Fat Actress.

July 2006: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies," National Enquirer
Demi Moore and Britney Spears were inducted into the "Cellulite Hall of Fame," and Michael Douglas and Chris Noth were accused of having frightful bellies. Poor Gerard Depardieu was even ragged on for wearing a thong on a European beach, where aging actors and healthy appetites are heartily welcome.

May 2007: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies," Star Magazine
The award for "Worst Saggy"? Uma Thurman! "Worst Secret Sagginess"? Kate Hudson! Last we checked, Uma and Kate were two of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, no? And poor Hulk Hogan won the title of "Worst Bikini," who "has gone wrong in so many ways," and whose neon beachwear "makes it touch to avoid noticing Hulk's uh, hogans."

[Photo Credits: Popbytes, Celebitchy, Daily Mail, Ms. Magazine]

• LISA MARIE SUES TABLOID OVER WEIGHT GAIN STORY [Us]

Here, we present the choices on Us' list which we happen to agree with; these guys either went a teensy bit overboard over the holidays or, in Tom Cruise's case, simply haven't been following L. Ron Hubbard's highly scientific detox plan:

Tom Cruise, then and now:

Clay Aiken, then and now:

Val Kilmer, then and now:

Alec Baldwin, then and now:

But! We happen to find these so-called "chunks" far finer now that they've gone from stick-thin, skinny-jeans-wearing hipster wannabes to, well, the closest they're capable of coming to looking like a Man:

Ryan Gosling, then and now:

Adrien Grenier, then and now:

John Travolta, a controversial decision for sure, but we think Now is preferable if only for the absence of that horrendous hairpiece:

[Photo Credits: Wireimage, Getty, Pacific Coast News, INFPhoto, Retna, Bauer-Griffin]

• FROM HUNK TO CHUNK [Us]

Why are you on the run, Iceman? Was your impromptu concert at the Malibu Starbucks interrupted by yawns, highflying Caramel Macchiatos and Gary Busey insisting that he should join in with a ham bone solo and a spiritual chant?

[Photo Credit: X17]

Apparently, the people at General Motors who've long been signing Arnett's paychecks to be the voice of GMC Trucks have suddenly become aware that the revived Knight Rider is essentially a co-production between NBC and rival Ford (whose logo not only appears in all promotions for the program, but will be digitally superimposed upon new star Justin Bruening's forehead in every frame), and have politely asked their spokesman to step away from the project. Despite this bizarrely late-arriving contractual snafu, we must credit Peacock emperor Ben Silverman with making a spectacular save in landing Kilmer; the gifted actor will surely bring a new dimension to the part, alternately imbuing the supercar's lines with a fluid, Morrisonesque sexuality, an Iceman-quality arrogance, or thundering, Old Testament menace.

• Val Kilmer voices 'Knight Rider' [Variety]

Still, the tease de résistance came with the prominently bazoomba'd figure in Wilma Flintsone pearls, her face obfuscated by a tantalizing "GUESS WHO?" sign. We were tempted to say Kelly LeBrock, until a story in the margins led us to wonder if their editors weren't perhaps throwing us a distractingly buxom red herring: Lesbian Kirstie Alley? Is that you?

• National Enquirer via Popbytes

IS Val Kilmer too scared to play Adolf Hitler, or is he just too bloated? Kilmer was set to play the Nazi dictator in the "Hebrew Hammer" sequel, "The Hebrew Hammer 2 - Hammer Versus Hitler," but dropped out recently.

"He may have gotten cold feet," said our spy. No matter - the original Hammer, Adam Goldberg, who in the first movie played the Orthodox Jewish action hero who saves Hanukkah from the clutches of Santa Claus' evil son, has signed on again.

We'd be disappointed if, as Page Six postulates, Kilmer's decision stems from insecurities relating to middle-age spread. All it would really take is one throwaway line about how the German leader spent his summer vacation "eating mein way through Bavaria, eins creampuff at a time," before audiences would quickly grow accustomed to the film's zaftig Führer, and settle in for an enjoyable evening of watching The Hebrew Hammer make chopped liver of the historical supervillain.

• HE'S NO HITLER [NY Post]

The residents were supposed to move their cars off the street. The wife of a TMZ staffer was at home, taking care of her one-year-old child when she heard banging at the front door. A woman named Kelli Lassen told the staffer's wife, "You need to move your f**king car because we need to park the toilets for the Val Kilmer movie." Nice.

We contacted Lassen, who at first denied saying it, then said she was reacting to a man in a nearby apartment who wouldn't move his car. She said she called that man a "f**king asshole" and then acknowledged she got hot with the staffer's wife.

Lassen apologized for her outburst, but added, "Val Kilmer can't even use the bathroom."

To her credit, the movie's Prophet of Impending Port-a-Potty Doom apologized for the incident, but it's ultimately difficult to blame her for her shortness with the TMZ staffer's wife; one can only imagine the enormous pressure she was under to oversee the installation of the mobile commodes before the notoriously difficult Kilmer could discover the failure to establish a comfortable place in which he could move his bowels, as they could've lost an entire day of shooting as the actor sulked around the set, complaining to anyone within earshot, "I can't create under these conditions! Who's a guy got to blow around here to take a fucking dump?"

• Val Can't Take Dump So Residents Must Pay [TMZ]

In today's episode: Jeremy Piven; Jennifer Aniston; Val Kilmer; Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor; Elton John, David Furnish, Fergie, Jason Statham, Saffron Burrows, Naomi Campbell, Joe Pesci and Rashida Jones; James Woods; Kiefer Sutherland; Nick Nolte; Stephen Hawking; Aimee Mann and Michael Penn; Matthew Fox; Kal Penn; Tim Daly; Jeremy Sisto; Giovanni Ribisi; Hilary Duff; Ian Ziering; Sean Hayes; Amy Smart; Tim Gunn; Dr. Phil; Kevin Weisman; Kyle Howard; Matthew Lawrence and Cheryl Burke; Wilson Cruz, John Ameche and Tiffany Fallon. In Vegas: Warren Beatty and Annette Bening.

· I saw Jeremy Piven dressed to the nines Friday (3/30) night outside of Citizen Smith. He was wearing man jewelry, a fedora, and he was holding an unlit cigar. He went to the valet, changed his mind, and went strolling up Cahuenga instead. He was—no shock here—with a very tall brunette model type.

· Another Friday night of strong cocktails at the Tower Bar. Tonight, the view from the stool is enhanced by a casually-dressed Jennifer Aniston celebrating something with The Gays, a somewhat dumpy female manager/publicist type and (what looked like) Orlando Bloom (no promise there). Lots of red wine, lots of gift bags, lots of attention from Dimitri and really frequent and long ciggie breaks on the patio (like the whole table smoked).

· So, I'm in Zuma Jay surf shop on main street in Santa Monica. I see this kid who looks like one of the kids in Dogtown and Z boys and sitting there talking to him about surfwear is a guy that appears to be his father. I'm thinking to myself kid, with that burned out, beer bellied, sunburned loser as your dad, you are really up against it. Then I heard the guy talking loud and my god if he didn't sound just like Val Kilmer. But he looked like hell, I mean he looked worse than Jim Morrison after he Od'd. Completely unrecognizable. Like I said, Fat, beer bellied and sunburned. Think Val Kilmer mixed with Jim Morrison in the summer of 1971 then devoured in a Chocalate Sundae by Marlon Brando. Bad.

· While idling just south of Sunset near Beverly Hills, spotted Ben Stiller getting out of a black car-service car. The driver gave me a look like "OMGZBenStiller" and I was happy for him. Stiller, who is surprisingly broadshouldered for a little guy, then greeted wife Christine Taylor who was waiting further down the street. I can't figure out why they meet in the middle of the city instead of, like, at home, but they got in Christine's black Benz—Ben took the wheel—and rolled off in the direction of B.H.

· Major celeb cluster at the GQ party at the Beverly HIlls Hotel, 2nd April. (Note this was the British edition of GQ, so bad teeth, smoking on the patio and Brit atti-tood.) Elton John was there with life-partner David Furnish. (Elton was wearing black ankle booty things, like comfy granny shoes from a catalogue.) Fergie arrived in stilettos with a gal pal. Jason 'Crank' Statham dragged his 'bird' around, looking short but densely buff with cartoonlike dark stubble and gulping the champagne. Saffron Burrows swanned in with big blond hair and gold lamé dress. No acting career as such, but supermodel hot in the flesh. And then the capper - in marches Naomi Campbell dragging Joe Pesci by the hand. Random! He's a homunculus with so much nip and tuck and tan, he looks like a Mayan petrified head. She's a total Amazonian - big and tall. Can you imagine the angry sex that goes behind the blinds. Back down to earth, Rashida "The Office" Jones and her model waif sister Kidada. Rashida were there being normal, but apparently my wife says Rashida has long arms.

· 4/1 - Saw a guy walking a dog down Burton Way, and when I was about to shout, "Hey, cute doggy!" I see that it was James Woods near the Hermitage where I always see him and I didn't say anything. He did check me out on my bike though.

· 3/29/07 at around 3pm saw Kiefer Sutherland at the Mayfair on Franklin. He looked trim and relaxed, wearing what looked like paint-spattered Adidas.

· very unsettling sighting yesterday 4/2. had to go to a doctor's appointment in Santa Monica (at St. Johns) in the afternoon. got off the elevator and headed towards my doctor's office. as i was walking up to the door, this really disheveled guy was coming out. his hair was ratty, face was beat down. it's at the end of a narrow hallway, so we came quite close as we passed each other. as i looked up at him, i realized it was NICK NOLTE. the really sad part? he looked just like that crazy mugshot that was making the rounds a few years back.

· Saturday, March 31st, Denny's at Sunset and Gower: Brian fucking Wilson.

· Perhaps some will disagree, but I think my Friday (3/30) sighting kicks butt on the traditional "Tara Reid chugging everclear in the Ralph's parking lot" sort of thing. The husband and I were at the Getty Center around 3:30pm and found ourselves standing next to Stephen Hawking, right under that flatulent art organ thing of Tim Hawkinson's that's hanging overhead in the lobby. Hawking was in his tricked-out wheelchair of course, with the communication device and whatnot, and was dressed casually. He appeared to be there on pleasure instead of any super-brainy physicist business, and was with some folks who could have been family, aside from one dude who looked like a bit too bleach blonde, black-clad and rico sua-ve for the rest of the group assembled. Perhaps he was an escort of some kind or just a well-manscaped relative. We didn't bother them, but was very cool to see Hawking in person. I mean how often does that happen on the space-time continuum?

And later that evening, stoic indie music power couple Aimee Mann and Michael Penn sat near us at the UCB theatre for the Doug Benson Interruption (sans Benson but still hilarious). Apparently they do laugh sometimes. It looked like they came to see Andy Kindler, as they were chatting it up with him outside on the sidewalk after the show. He's never been my particular cup of geek, but was funnier than expected in person, who knew?

· 3/30 - Matthew Fox + entourage (including big bald bodyguard in a black Killers tshirt) came out for tv on the radio at Fonda tonight. He met up there with "Nikki," (Kiele Sanchez) the new chick on Lost. I don't know her real name. He was very tall and fucking HOT in some tight dark gray long sleeved thin material shirt. He even had a Jack-esque black necklace on. And she was very skinny of course. I think he came with his wife, but maybe not, now that I think about it. She was some very pretty asian woman but I think his wife is hispanic. He was rocking the fuck out and singing along to all the old TVOTR songs, and left before the encore dripping with sweat. I love this guy so much. But I was too shy to say anything to him even tho he's on my favorite TV show.

· 3/30 - Friday night at the Century City food court saw Kal Penn with a bunch of hipsters. He actually locked eyes with me and smiled as I made my way up the escalator towards him. Flirting perhaps? Worth considering if there are some free White Castles involved.

· 4/1 - Tim Daly getting a few coffees to go at the Starbucks at Santa Monica and Wilshire. He looked good. Not terribly exciting, but there you have it.

· Wednesday the 28th: Elton/Billy Chenowith hotness Jeremy Sisto at Jeffrey Sebelia's fashion week show. He's super tall, and I tried to brush by him, but our bodies never met. I cried myself to sleep and cut off my tattoo.

· Saturday 31st: Prince of Scientology Giovanni Ribisi in a motorcycle jacket at Alcove in Los Feliz, 10am ish. No dark vultures circling overhead. No voice of Satan. Very pleasant and adorable. Perhaps worshipping across the street?

· Tuesday morning, 12:30am - Burbank Bob's Big Boy

Hilary Duff and a few equally (frightfully) skinny loud girls stumbled into Bob's. Seriously - if you are going to pick an establishment to come into, and be loud enough to guarantee you get noticed, your first choice is Bob's!?!

A few people even shushed her and her posse of skeletons before they sat in a large booth in the back, and sipped milkshakes.

I sat and tried to enjoy my Chili Spaghetti, while other customers were not-so-quietly mocking her with phrases like "you tell them, Hilary", and "What?"...clearly mocking how loud they were all being.

They left in an ugly white Range Rover with equally ugly white wheels, after being snapped by the Paparazzi.

I liked her better with the blonde hair...and the original teeth.

· Saw Ian "Twinkletoes" Ziering at the Griddle Sunday 8 AM, where I've seen him a bunch of times before, but this time is different! Because he's hot hot hot again! Ride that wave, Sanders! He was with an older man I assume was his lover/provider, and was eating something healthy-ish, despite the pancakey temptations all around him.

· i went to house of blues last night (thursday) to have a drink with my cousin from nashville, the tour manager for jeremy camp. apparently he is a very popular christian singer, the show was sold out, and there was no parking on the strip. we were in the balcony vip shouting conversation to each other when my wife pointed out sean hayes eating ribs with two people in the foundation room, right up against the glass partition. it seemed strange for a gay advocate to be around so many christians shouting "hallelujah" with their hands in the air. lucky for him, i don't think anyone else noticed . . . or did he want to be noticed? pretty weird.

· I saw Amy Smart (currently a brunette) at Yu-N-Mi sushi in Beverly Hills Thursday night when I was leaving after my dinner. The restaurant is small and was crowded, so she and her fellow diner were sitting on a bench waiting to be seated. so yes, even celebrities must wait sometimes....

· saw tim gunn stride through the lobby of the standard, downtown. looking dapper, dressed in a comfortable suit sans tie, he was on his way to the parking lot to wait for a car to pick him up, but took time out to stop and chat w/ crew people unloading equipment out of a van for the project runway auditions scheduled the next day. tim couldn't have been more nice, genuine, and warm to the workers. he seemed so pleasant, in fact, i dropped all semblance of blase l.a. star sighting cool and actually went over to the man and introduced myself. i blurted out what a big fan i was of him and he smiled, took my hand, shook it, listened ever so graciously as i babbled how given his courteous, diplomatic skills at negotiating conflict he should run for president. he only chuckled, thanked me again, as i walked away. what a nice man!

· Last night (4/1) as my friends and I were dining on some fine Italian
cuisine at the Rainbow, in walks Dr. Phil and some friends, who were then seated at the table behind us. Of course we all considered asking him for advice, but didn't want to interupt him as he was knee deep in chicken parm.

· It was supporting tv character night on Franklin tonight (4/1) - Kevin Weisman (Marshall from Alias) was at the next table tonight at the fabulous Pimai Thai, with a large group of people. He spent a lot of time outside pushing a baby around in a stroller. Next door at Mayfair, Liza Weil (Paris on Gilmore Girls) was in the next checkout line waiting to purchase her yogurt.

· thursday - starbucks at beverly and charleville, just an assistants throw from william morris, i saw the cute-as-hell Kyle Howard, currently of tbs' "my boys" and formerly of the hideously underrated "grosse pointe." he looks good and at about 6' tall is considerably taller than i imagined. however, the thrill of the sighting was undermined by some tedious dressed-all-in-black agent assistants ordering their lattes, blabbering about a whole lotta pretentious nothing, at a decibel level usually reserved for a judas priest or iron maiden concert.

· Lesser Lawrence brother Matthew Lawrence and the girl dancer who won Dancing with the Stars with Emmet Smith (my lady informed me her name is Cheryl Burke) waiting patiently for a table at Casa Vega in Studio City on Sat night (3/31). They were holding hands, definitely a couple — wasn't Joey on that show? I guess that was his brother's window of opportunity. Seemed normal, I guess. She's not that cute. They were bitching about having to wait more than 45 minutes for average Mexican food in the valley — but then again, so was I.

· Leatherfest was this weekend, so no surprise that there was an inordinate amount of hot homo guys at Marix in Weho on Sunday, but who would have predicted the high (homo) celebrity factor? First, John Ameche ( Mr. Out NBA) walks in towering above everybody. Looking a little shabby - just jeans and a t-shirt - but cute nonetheless. Had arms around some cute (and much shorter) guy. Then, among all the testosterone and steroid enhancees, walks in Wilson Cruz - from TV's pathetic Noah's Ark. Again, tight T-Shirt and tight jeans. Someone should tell him that the gym has other machines, than the one that works the chest.... just a (bitchy) suggestion. And, seated front and center, surrounded by all this man-flesh was former Playmate of the Year, Tiffany Fallon at a table of more hot guys. (The only straight guy at our table identified her) Unfortunately, with this crowd, her brand spanking new hard-to-get Louis Vuitton "Runway Bag" got more attention than she did. What can I say? I work in retail.

Special Warren and Annette Vegas Magic Edition:

· Not sure if this counts since it was Las Vegas but... last Wednesday I
was at MGM's David Copperfield show (you know you want to see it) and in walks Warren Beatty sporting a black leather jacket and a well-teased hairdo. He had a strange yet serene surprised look on his face as he looked around. (The look read: Yes, it's me - in the flesh.) Later after the show he emerged from the theatre with Annette Bening who look beautiful but with what seemed like ratty hair. When a fan stopped to shake Warren's hand the older daughter (?) seemed to yell something at the fan and Annette shushed her. Warren still had the surprised expression on his face.

It's late in the day, so our resistance to superannuated, frequently beturtlenecked producer Robert Evans' trademarked hypnotic, question-and-answer cadence ("Am I lulling you into a trance-like state right now with the sound of my voice? You bet. Is there anything you can do to stop me? Think again, Trixie. Now do me a favor. Hit that button next to the waterbed that says "The Perfect Storm" and get ready to be capsized by a tidal wave of love, baby.") is dangerously low, but in watching this video clip pimping his in-progress second memoir, we think Evans just admitted that he nearly consented to marry Val Kilmer. Would he have married good ol' Val in the sexual sense? No way, Mary. The Kid ain't no fruitcake, even for a capital-s Star like Mr. Kilmer.

• Kid Notorious [VF.com]

In today's episode: Uma Thurman; Hilary Swank and Sean Young; James Woods; Liv Tyler; Kelsey Grammer; Val Kilmer; Marlee Matlin; Paris Hilton; Ginnifer Goodwin and Chris Klein; Kevin Dillon; Carson Daly; Rachel Dratch; Sarah Michelle Gellar; Simon Fuller, Ace Young and Kellie Pickler; Jason Lee and Giovanni Ribisi; Zooey Deschanel; Lucy Davis; Brooke Burns; Scott Ian; Ja Rule; Boris Kodjoe and Leslie Jordan.

· Monday February 5th 2pm Sat next to a very beautiful Uma Thurman and female friend at The West Hollywood Gateway Center outdoor cafe. She enjoyed a humble Gyro from Daphne's over the course of 45 minutes. She wasn't really recognized until she got up to leave and her tall, voluptious physique caught the attention of everyone within 100 feet.

· I saw Hilary Swank at Revolution Fitness on Montana Avenue in Santa Monica today (2/05/07). It was just before the 5:00 PM spinning class, and she came in announcing that she needed to borrow some shoes for the class. Then she added, "My name is Hilary." I don't even remember what she was wearing, but it was not anything dramatic. She was alone.

I saw a paparazzo (sp?) outside Revolution Fitness, waiting for Hilary. He was in a white Mercedes, the trunk of which was open. He was fiddling with a camera and preparing to pounce when she left the fitness studio.

I also saw what I firmly believe was Sean Young in the 6:00 PM indoor rowing class, also at Revolution Fitness, on the same day. She entered wearing this thick long coat...the kind of thing you'd wear if you were going on a trek through Siberia. She didn't stay for the whole class. Is Sean Young considered a celebrity?

· I had the requisite James Woods and starlet-working-out-her-daddy-issues girlfriend last night (2/1) at Jones' on Santa Monica Blvd. Waited a few minutes to be seated and seemed to be keeping the ball-busting curmudgeon schtick in check. I also couldn't help but note that girlfriend's nose job seems to have healed quite nicely, per an earlier James W. privacy watch submission.

· Does Liv Tyler live in Silverlake? Yesterday (Thursday), I saw her at our Trader Joe's at 11AM, looking every bit like a Silverlake Mom—- kid sitting in the shopping cart, funky glasses, etc. She was chatting with some guy (could have been the musician-husband but I don't think so) about the wonders of various TJ's frozen foods products. She's really very beautiful, in a natural some-people-are-born-with-it way.

· Saw Kelsey Grammer with his wife, Camille, at the Westfield Topanga food court in Woodland Hills. They were both trying for "incognito" in their dark sunglasses, but many hungry shoppers spotted him anyway. He is quite tall and was casually dressed in a black hoodie and khaki-colored shorts. They opted for organic food from Coral Tree Express, but when they looked for seats, there were none available. So, Kelsey asked another couple if they could sit at their table, and the clueless pair agreed, never once seeming to recognize the celebrity "doing lunch" with them.

· tuesday night, january 30, watched as a front row table was cleared (forcibly? only the occupants know) for val kilmer and his 5+ entourage for the nightwatchman show at hotel cafe in hollywood. First one then a second much younger female slid playfully onto his lap while val intensely with head bowed or in deep concentration absorbed the evening's performance. while not looking horrible, time has not been good to the middle-aged actor... noticiably bloated, greyed and wrinkled, booze and/or fun in the sun have taken their toll.

· Thursday, 1/31- Marlee Matlin at LAX. She's gorgeous. With her assistant. I was bummed it wasn't the guy who played her assistant on West Wing. Then I realized that television and life aren't the same thing.

Friday 1/26 - Paris Hilton at The Grove. By herself with a ponytail coming out of the top right hemisphere of her brain. And a headband. She was wearing those monstrous Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen I-am-your-demented -grandmother-and-will- fuck-your-eyes-out shoes, skinny jeans, boring tee, and shiny Pink Ladies jacket (the style, not the brand). She touched my hand and I remarked (as I'm sure the one thousand other people she touched whilst barreling through to the front of the line did, too) that I'd just contracted herpes. It was hot.

· Saw Ginnifer Goodwin & Chris Klein at John O' Groat's for brunch on Saturday, 1/27 around 1:30pm. She was wearing this awesome beige, wool wrap with Uggs and yoga pants, no makeup, very fresh and pretty; he was in jeans, t-shirt and a baseball cap. She sat inside and waited for a table (they put their name in with everyone else) while he stayed outside (to keep attention away from themselves? not sure why). Very together, cute and normal.

· Kevin Dillon (JOHNNY DRAMA!) working out at the LA Fitness in Marina del Rey. Brought in his own personal trainer. The usual - smaller in person, worse skin. Still really do-able. But where the hell was Piven!??!

· sunday night, january 28, spent about two hours three stools down from kevin dillon and presumably his agent at tom bergin's on fairfax in l.a. now i know it's his main claim to fame, but either he's not much of an actor, or his entourage schtick is not acting at all. dressed in a white shirt and black suit, obviously intoxicated (and sucking down pints like no tomorrow), his new yawk swagger was spot-on for his popular tv character. even while sucking down cigarettes outside, it was deja vu watching him chat up the bartender and local sycophants.

· While noshing on the finest sashimi in L.A., I spotted an extremely manorexic Carson Daly dining with friends/co-workers at a table at Sasabune on Feb. 1st. He was hiding his protruding bones with the '90s long sleeve shirt under a t-shirt look. On Jan. 31st, I saw a fancy-attired Rebecca Romijn at The Urth Café in Santa Monica with a female friend.

· 1/31 - SNL alum Rachel Dratch chatting and laughing at a table of otherwise unrecognizable people at Mozza (yes, the pizza is worth all the fuss).

2/4 - Scream queen Sarah Michelle Gellar at Equinox Westwood. Flawless.

· 2/1 - simon fuller, ace young, and kellie pickler all cheering on chris daughtry at his el rey gig
2/2 - jason lee and giovanni ribisi sharing a vip booth at m. ward's show tonight at the el rey.

· 2/3 - Saw Jason Lee with family in tow (wife, Pilot Inspecktor, and two grandma types) at Dusty's in Silverlake. He looked just like Earl and was sporting a leather motorcycle outfit. Too bad the service there isn't as good as the sighting.

· At Mani's Bakery on Fairfax around 8p Friday February 2, Zooey Deschanel and a gaggle of male friends. They seemed to sit outside and leave without eating. Looks exactly like she does in the movies, with the big eyes and the skinny and the dark hair and everything.

· Friday 2/2/07: In line at LAX for my Southwest flight to Albuquerque. After I push women and children out of the way to snag my preferred seat and stow my luggage, I get settled in my seat. Boarding the flight after me was Lucy Davis (Dawn, the "Pam" from the original British "Office" and currently stuck on "Studio 60"). I felt bad for her having to fly with the hoi polloi. She kept her head down and chatted on the phone until we took off. Bonus — she was also on my flight back to LAX Sunday night. Again, chatting on the phone as long as possible (probably yelling at her manager to at least get her a coach ticket on a normal airline next time).

· friday 2/2 at the Wolfgang Puck Cafe counter in Gelson's Valley Village, I saw a stunning Brooke Burns...I always thought she was smoking hot on TV and she doesn't disappoint in real life. I don't know how tall she is, but i'm 5'10" and had to look up at her. she was with some actor-type guy that definitely was NOT bruce willis. lucky bastard. i'd so hit that.

· 2-4 saw Scott Ian rock god (without the red dye on his beard) pulling into Bristol Farms on Beverly in his Lexus Rx whatever hybrid family wagon looking like he was on a mission. Probably picking up those last minute snacks for the Super Bowl

· Just had dinner at Jerrys in Encino. Ja Rule was 2 booths down with an ugly little chic.

Boring!

· Just saw Boris Kodjoe last night at 24 hour fitness in Sherman Oaks Galleria. He was using the stationary bike while reading a script. Very reserved demeanor. He always appears to be in deep thought. Extremely handsome in person, and tall as hell.

· Monday 2/5: I saw the guy that played Beverly Lesley (Karen's nemesis) [Leslie Jordan] on "Will & Grace" wandering around Staples on Sunset. He's pocket sized—I just wanted to pick him up and hug him.

"My idea for the label is to have someone do a prosthetic job on me as Paul Newman, but instead of the drawing, it would be a photograph," he says. [...]

ValZone would also appropriate Newman's practice of specifying exactly where the proceeds from the sale of each product go—except in Kilmer's case, the revenue would be earmarked not for charities but to support his lavish lifestyle. "It will all be 100 percent organic, 100 percent profit," he says. "Here's why: I like my GTO convertible. And if you've got a vintage car, you've got upkeep. I have two gorgeous children. My son's school costs more per year than my four years at Juilliard, plus rent and airfare back and forth."

It would seem a waste of time and resources for Kilmer to subject himself to a lengthy latex and spirit gum makeup application session just to approximate the timeworn and quintessential Newman of the logo. After all, the label illustration already bears a striking resemblance to a widely circulated photo of the beer bellied actor strolling on a beach in a cowboy hat (pictured), an iconic and all-American image that would be right at home wrapped around the bottleneck of the high-calorie blue cheese dressing goldmine that will eventually bankroll plane tickets to graduations and custom chrome refurbishing.

• Val Kilmer's Salad Daze [Radar]

A Defamer operative in the market for multimillion-dollar, celebrity-owned New Mexico resort real estate stumbled upon a listing for Val Kilmer's Pecos River Ranch, a riverside spread up for sale for the low, low price of $18,000,000. Eight figures seems like an absolute steal for the ability to fly-fish in the same waters into which the renowned, if currently doughy, actor cast innumerable, exquisitely tied lures, while the true, well-monied superfan will enjoy a unique opportunity to recreate Kilmer's monthly peyote binge, in which he casts the property's stock of mule deers, turkeys, black bears, cougars, waterfowl, bobcats, beavers, eagles, and peregrine falcons in a community theater recreation of his favorite scenes from The Island of Dr. Moreau.

[Photo: Sotheby's, with a splash of Photoshop]

• Tract 17C & 17D Los Trigos Grant $18,000,000 [Sotheby's]
• Welcome to Val Kilmer's Pecos River Ranch [PecosRiverRanch.com]
• Previously: The Iceman Ageth [Defamer]

Val Kilmer in the Malibu Starbucks this morning (8/8). He was with a vaguely recognizable, vaguely pretty woman and a young girl. He was also wearing an authentic cowboy hat. I text messaged my girlfriend because she gets all excited about this stuff and she wrote back "Is he fat?" Now that she mentions it, he was looking a little husky....

Kilmer should be credited for being relaxed enough in his own skin to settle into the midriff-ballooning comforts of middle age. Not every former pretty-boy is confident enough to laugh off the cruel points and whispers of summer beachgoers, who barely wait until you're out of earshot to excitedly dial up their friend and announce, "Now I know what Jim Morrison would have looked like if he was still alive. Eeeewwwww!"

• Val Kilmer goes from Batman to fatman [DailyMail.co.uk]