Gawker: defamer, vagina dentata

Twitterin' Britney Updates Us On Her Giant, Man-Eating Ladyparts

Seth — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 13:13:49 EST

Subscribers to Britney Spears's official Twitter feed (yep—Brit's Twitterin'!) have grown accustomed to updates like "I love Japan! I think all the tiny cars are so cute!"

But not even the most die-hard Britney fans, inured from countless limo-disembarking genital-flashes, could have been prepared for this announcement:

"Hi Y'all. Brit Brit here, just wanted to update all on the size of my vagina. It's about 4 feet wide with razor sharp teeth"

What was initially thought to be the malicious work of an online hacker is now looking to have been an authentic update from Britney's own mobile phone, the singer wanting to finally come clean about how her public-parts have grown in recent years to monstrous, Sarlacc Pit-like proportions.

britney spears twitter hacked? [ONTD]

Indiana Jones And The Vagtastic Voyage

Jessica — Tue, 27 May 2008 11:00:00 EDT

I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull over the weekend, and I don't think I'm giving anything away by telling you that the climactic fight scene occurs in the recesses of a dank, sinister cave. I realized shortly after leaving the theater that every climactic Indiana Jones fight scene occurs in a cave, generally populated by Nazis, Russians, or some other group of anti-American miscreants. And we all know what those caves symbolize: vaginas! In fact, it seems like the Indiana Jones series is one, long, convoluted vagina dentata myth. Think about it: In the Last Crusade, Indiana Jones travels deep into the fertile crescent to find the Holy Grail; he goes through several underground lairs to find it, and while he's trying to run away, a giant crack opens in the ground. And don't even get me started on the infamous boulder scene in Raiders of the Lost Arc, wherein a big ol' rock comes rolling down a dark, narrow passageway after Indy has stolen a totemic treasure.

I'm not the only one who sees the Indy flicks as dentata dramas. According to one Mr. Cranky on his eponymous website, "The climax of Temple of Doom is the key. The offerings made to the female God include a human sacrifice lowered down a canal into a pit of red hot lava. When Kate Capshaw is tied to the contraption and lowered, Indy's Willie is threatened. His Willie's entrance into the canal equals death, and Indy will have none of that."

Mr. Cranky also points out that Temple of Doom highlights Indy's overwhelming fear of being emasculated. A thread that goes throughout the four films is Indy's fear of snakes. It seems that our big, conquering superhero is threatened by external, slithering phalluses! In the Crystal Skull, at one point, Shia LeBouf's character asks Indy to "grab onto his snake," to get Indy out of a pit of quicksand. Indy is not exactly thrilled about it.

In the Last Crusade, Indiana Jones gets that adorably virile scar beneath his lower lip from whipping himself as an inexperienced teen. Considering all that dentata evidence, I think he got the scar from some other, more sensually barbed exploration.

Indiana Jones And The Temple of Doom [Mr. Cranky]

Earlier: Indiana Jones 4: The Kingdom of The Crystal Dull

Vaginas With Teeth Get The Tinseltown Treatment

Slut Machine — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 17:00:00 EST

Above is the trailer for Teeth, a horror/comedy about a girl who discovers that she has vagina dentata — teeth in her taco! It first premiered at Sundance last January, where it gained lots of buzz and critical acclaim, and the film's star Jess Weixler won the Sundance Special Jury Prize for Acting. Reviews say Teeth is full of "raunchy sexuality and ridiculous gore, including a number of chopped off penises," which sounds right up our alley. And by "alley," we mean "vagina." Kidding! Anyway, it opens in NYC and L.A. November 30, with a wider release in mid-December.
Teeth Finally Being Released in November; Distribution Rights Sold [First Showing]