Quentin Tarantino's latest quiet little parlor piece Inglourious Basterds will likely bow at Cannes next month, as Tarantino is much-beloved by those Frenchie freedom haters. [Variety] James Franco may be out but Marion Cotillard, Ellen Page, and Cillian Murphy are all signing up for Christopher Nolan's sci-fi action picture Inception. [Variety]

OMG, this is the best/weirdest news ever. Long-lost actor Edward Furlong, who married an old lady then disappeared, will appear in worst-director-ever Uwe Boll's new movie. It's called Janjaweed and is about Darfur. A hard-hitting look at journalists in Sudan, starring Eddie Furlong. Directed by Uwe Boll. Oh. Oh dear. (But secretly: Yessssss.) [Variety] If you need to scrub that info from your brain, go watch a pirated version of the new Wolverine movie online. Apparently it leaked. I don't know where it is, though. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this right now. [Variety]

Remember that book The World Without Us? It was about what would happen if humans were to disappear from the Earth. So: No people. Fox, somehow, has imagined this as a movie WITH PEOPLE! That guy who made a great forty-minute film and a shitty two-hour film with I Am Legend is set to direct. Boo. [THR] Speaking of people disappearing: Awe-inspiring Big Love actress Jeanne Tripplehorn will star in an indie feature called Morning, about mourning. Hopefully she will play a character named Electra. [THR]

Oh phew. AMC has renewed its terrific little series Breaking Bad for a third go-around. If you're not watching this show, do yourself a favor and check it out. That surprise Bryan Cranston Emmy win? Not such a surprise when you watch the thing. [THR]

Granted, everything will change as more reviews trickle in — but not necessarily for the worst. In any case, maybe Boll — not Roland Emmerich — is the ideal Euro-hack to helm that forthcoming $200 million Cusack apocalypse flick. At this rate, he may be Sony's only hope with the critics.

• 'Postal' [Rotten Tomatoes]

We don't necessarily believe for a second that Bay has green lit a boxing match with Uwe Boll, but that's kind of the best part: Within a few days we'll either see Boll sued for the unauthorized use of Bay's likeness to promote Postal, or we'll hear Bay is fighting Boll this fall — the culmination of a dream beating we've anticipated since way, way back six days ago. (And Bay will still sue Boll in the interim.) We literally cannot lose.

A natural opportunist, Boll is hedging his bets in the Los Angeles County courts, where he and Zane will also square off in a civil contest seeking restitution for a distribution deal gone bad —

Director Uwe Boll has sued actor Billy Zane in Los Angeles Superior Court, claiming he's owed at least $700,000 in revenues from the 2006 boxoffice flop Bloodrayne.

Boll claims in the April 30 filing that Zane was the one who suggested Romar Entertainment handle distribution of the film. Zane and Romar principal James Schramm allegedly promised the film would open in 2,000 theaters and that a $10 million advance from Boll would be used for advertising and promotion. But at least $900,000 was paid out to Zane and Schramm and the movie opened in only 950 theaters, Boll claims.

• Uwe Boll Sues Billy Zane [THR]

• Postal [Movieset]

1. Alfonso Cuaron. Del Toro's close friend and (with del Toro and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu) one of the "Three Amigos" conveniently packaged by American press in 2006, Cuaron was Warner Bros.' surprising pick to helm 2004's Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. But his indie chops came in handy in both humanizing the franchise and positioning it more dynamically against Chris Columbus and Mike Newell's entries that sandwiched it. He's a versatile guy who gets the marketplace but isn't beholden to genre interests; in that way, his similarities to Jackson, who jumped from graphic B-horror comedies like Bad Taste to Heavenly Creatures to LOTR, are almost uncanny. Also, he's just a better director than del Toro; Cuaron could have made Pan's Labyrinth in his sleep, but del Toro couldn't have touched Children of Men.

2. Neil Jordan. Another guy with tons of range, the Crying Game/Michael Collins filmmaker is also a grossly underrated craftsman who could save everyone a lot of time and money by shooting both Hobbit films over about four months in Ireland. Alas, Jackson would likely object to the requisite IRA subplot in which Bilbo Baggins is sidelined indefinitely by injuries sustained in a car bombing.

3. David Lynch. A natural short-lister for any film involving midgets. Plus we all know how well his previous would-be fantasy franchise went.

4. Woody Allen. While it's true that Allen has returned from his four-year European exile with a new project featuring Larry David and Evan Rachel Wood, he has made little secret of his availability to the highest overseas bidder. With this in mind, and seeing as Middle Earth's brow-furrowed humorlessness is perhaps its most annoying attribute, we'd like to see Allen invited to New Zealand for a comic run through Baggins' deeply embedded neuroses — not the least of which is his underage shiksa love interest, played by saucy new Disney cast-off Miley Cyrus.

5. Uwe Boll. Why not? He is the only genius in the whole fucking business.

[I]t's my message to Michael Bay, Michael, in between your pool parties in LA or your casting sessions with the strippers you should start training now. And I'm sure you look good, you look thin. I saw you at the Hollywood Film Festival, I think you're a fit guy and you do like private karate Asia bullshit crap fighting stuff in LA where you think you're super cool that you do that with your 500 bucks per hour trainer.

So let's meet in the ring in September or October. Pay-per-view. Mandalay Bay. Las Vegas. Twelve rounds of boxing. Boll against Bay.

If we're not sick of either man by then, we'll consider attending. Meanwhile, the Uwe Boll Movie Challenge is one step closer to legitimacy this morning as we hear that Boll himself — who classically derided the usage of ketchup, little brothers and "bullshit name[s] out of the Internet" among his haters' own film oeuvres — has signed on to judge short films employing those criteria.

Two days after laying his challenge down, proprietor Matthew Dessem tells Defamer HQ that there are still no prizes, but he's being hard on himself: Think of the distinction of having your work ridiculed by a man whom 224,285 people (and counting) have asked to stop making movies. "This is a big step toward my ultimate goal: becoming a footnote on Uwe Boll's Wikipedia entry," Dessem adds. We're glad to help, Matt! Now if we could just find a little brother, our own filmmaking fantasies could be complete.

• Boll/Bay Showdown [Movieset]
• Now With Even More Uwe Boll! [UBMC]

To compete in the Uwe Boll Movie Challenge, you must create a short film that meets the following guidelines:

-It must be made at home.
-You must use ketchup.
-You must use a little brother.
-You must not use some bullshit nickname out of the internet.
-You have until May 16th.

Beyond that, anything goes. You don't have to use Mini-DV. If you don't have a little brother, you can use someone else's. ... The filmmakers Boll has called out (Michael Haneke, Tom Twyker, Gus Van Sant, Steven Spielberg, Eli Roth, George Clooney, and especially Michael Bay) are encouraged to enter.

Naturally, in keeping with the full trajectory of a Uwe Boll enterprise, there are no awards to be won, except maybe an honorary petition to urge the winning filmmakers to stop making movies. Hell, we'd take it.

• The Uwe Boll Movie Challenge

Well, then! That showed us. We applaud Bay's typically unique, senseless approach, which has even his loyal fans scratching their heads over the point of why Bay would bother to announce he's lying in the first place. We're all for taking this to its logical end point, however, where the flaxen-haired fauxter reveals the entire Transformers franchise is a hoax — in which case we could all give robust thanks and even sworn Bay enemy Uwe Boll would have to retract that "fucking retard" accusation he leveled so forcefully in recent weeks. We think we can all agree it's a small price to pay under the circumstances.

• Transformers 2 Auditions [Shoot For The Edit via /Film]

"Lets say Tom Tykwer, he did 'Run, Lola Run,' right? But 'Perfume' is a piece of sh-t, let's face it, yeah?"

"How many good movies did Gus Van Sant do?" he added, continuing his verbal assault on some of film's best current auteurs. "He did a few good movies but also a few bad movies. But if you have this kind of reputation you get invitations to film festivals or whatever.[...]

But while he bears his claws for the likes of Twyker, Haneke, and Van Sant — he saves his true venom for only one man. And that one man is Michael Bay.

"I think he's really bad. And I think the point is, if you get $250 million for every movie you do, how you gonna make a bad looking movie, with bad sound, bad special effects, whatever?" Boll criticized. "But everything dependent on directing is bad in his movies. And so I think it's kind of absurd, how some people are getting counted like they are geniuses or whatever. But the reality is that in a lot of these $150 million movies, the real credit deserves to the special effects people. Or the second unit crew."

Regardless of what you might think of his non-talents, you must at least give the man credit for his courage in pointing out that many of the most celebrated directors of our time are wearing no clothes at all. Will Hollywood's crown prince of the blowing-shit-up arts grace the outrageous assertions with a response? Or will he perhaps even go one better, accepting Boll's challenge to don a junk-defining Spandex singlet, and meet his critic in the wrestling ring for a little German-rules Extreme Fighting, aka Keine Regeln kämpfen, to determine just who is the most able-bodied shlockteur of them all? The ball is in Bay's court.

• Uwe Boll Slams Michael Bay...And Gus Van Sant(?!?) And Tom Twyker [moviesblog.mtv.com]

I don't even know why you get off on me like crazy because I'm not in the Hollywood system. I'm the opposite basically, and maybe this is the reason that you all hate me so much, because I prove that you can do it outside the system and you can come up with cheap excuse why you never make it. You are not able to make more than your mini-DV video at home with ketchup and your little brother, so I really think you should wake up at one point and you should put your jealous situation away. And if you write me, you don't write me with some bullshit nicknames out of the internet. Write me with your name and address so that I can track you down and rip you apart. Thank you.

No, Dr. Boll, thank you. Thank. You.

• EXCLUSIVE: Uwe Boll has a message for all the 'Boll haters' [YouTube]

I have been called a genius by some of the world's top scientists. I became interested in writing scripts many years ago, and studied screenwriting independently (and intensely) between 1985 and 1990, and wrote two practice feature scripts and ten TV scripts. However, I was living in isolation (as geniuses sometimes do), so had no social contacts, much less connections in the industry. ...

I have managed to interest an investor from overseas via my website, who wishes to remain anonymous and who has 20 M he wants to invest outside his country in some area. However, he would also like a business plan, budget, timeline, etc. He has not specified the entertainment industry, but also has not rejected my proposal of it.

Ideally, if the investor likes the science-fiction business plan, I would like to write or cowrite the first script and then bring in a name director and name actors. I would also like to get a studio involved at some point. So, initially we would need money for me to write or cowrite the script and for a producers fee to cover your costs of creating the business plan and getting name talent.

This is exactly the kind of rational thought that gets people going places in this the industry, where MENSA exiles and other logical types have long sought refuse from the crass life of the mind. We figure this guy, who claims visual effects advances have driven his timely move, already has a few solid leads working by now, but if you know any producers willing to put a $20 million business plan together on spec for an anonymous investor and a dude whom some of the world's top scientists called a genius before he went into hiding to hone his cognitive psychological prowess (which he's clearly put to fine use here), then hey: Greatness awaits. Off you go.

• Producer Wanted [Craigslist]

I want that there's a petition also out there — like a pro-Boll petition — and I expect a million votes pro-Boll. And I hope somebody will set it up and you all start signing it, because look: I'm not a fucking retard like Michael Bay or other people running around in the business, or Eli Roth making the same shitty movies over and over again. If you really look at my movies you will see my real genius, you know?

And if you go on May 23 [to] Postal you will see that I deliver a movie that nobody else delivered in the last 10 years, what is way better as all that social-critic, George Clooney bullshit what you get every fucking weekend. You have to really wake up, and you have to see me what I am: I am the only genius in the whole fucking business. Goodbye.

• Exclusive: Uwe Boll responds to online petition [Movienet]

FN: Are you aware that there is a petition online, signed by 18,000 people, requesting that you stop making movies?

UB: Yeah, I know that. 18,000 is not enough to convince me.

FN: How many would it take?

UB: One million. Now we have a new goal.

Naturally, the troops have mobilized around the Web: At the aforementioned petition, nearly 1,300 signatures have accrued in the 10 minutes it took to write this item, bringing the total to nearly 58,000 at press time. Considering that the average Boll film draws around 15,000 theatrical viewers, we don't imagine there are 1 million people in the world who would bother to be this offended by House of the Dead. However, you also can't turn off the lush bloom of fan democracy once it's on, so here's your pen. Do your duty.

• Stop Dr. Uwe Boll [Petition Online via Vulture]

By John Gaudiosi

The year 2008 is going to be a very busy year for controversial film director Uwe Boll, who has a legion of detractors in the gaming community after films like Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne and House of the Dead. The prolific filmmaker, who independently finances every one of his movies, has a slate of movies in the can. He talks about what the coming year brings in this exclusive interview.

First up for Boll is his $60 million fantasy epic, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. The movie, which stars Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, Kristanna Loken, Matthew Lillard and Burt Reynolds, will open on 2,500 screens across North America on January 11—making it Boll's biggest film release yet.

"In the Name of the King is tracking well," said Boll. "Eighty percent of the TV spots for the film will begin January 1. The film opened in Germany and other foreign territories already and remained in the Top 10 for the first three weeks in every territory.

Boll concedes that In the Name of the King is by far the best movie he's ever made with the best cast and the best script he's ever worked with.

"I already have the director's cut DVD version in my head, which will be much longer and have more character development," said Boll. "The theatrical release is really action-driven, which works for the big screen. It's already 2 hours and 10 minutes long. The director's cut will be a much better movie."

Other than the character of Farmer and the krugs, Boll admits that he took almost nothing from the Dungeon Siege videogame, although he worked closely with the game's developer, Gas Powered Games, which had a representative on set while filming in Vancouver, British Columbia.

"The very beginning of the film has Farmer tending to his crops, but that's about it from the game," said Boll. "The Dungeon Siege game didn't have a real story. Chris Taylor at Gas Powered Games likes the movie and they're really behind the film. I think gamers will be happy with this film even if it's not really based on the game's story at all. It's a good fantasy film. I'm just happy to get it out on 2,500 screens. I don't think it will be a disaster like BloodRayne was."

Boll has partnered with FreeStyle Releasing for this film, the same distribution company that released Captivity and The Illusionist. For BloodRayne, Boll partnered with a start-up called Romar, which he later sued. The company failed to book the movie on the appropriate number of screens and film prints were mailed to theaters that never showed the movie. BloodRayne, which was a hit on DVD and spawned a straight-to-DVD sequel, which has also sold well, was a complete box office bomb.

Next up for Boll is Postal, his political comedy very loosely based on Running with Scissors' controversial first-person shooter. Boll said Postal will hit theaters in May or June 2008.

"We're going to go up against one big event movie like an Indiana Jones 4 or a Prince Caspian," said Boll. "I think we'll get more press and have a better chance against one big movie than six smaller movies the same weekend. It will be like David versus Goliath."

The $15 million film will open on 1,500 to 2,000 screens and unlike In the Name of the King, which will not be screened for press, Boll will be showing Postal to everyone in the media beginning in February. Boll wrote, directed, produced and actually stars as himself in this movie. Zack Ward stars in the film.

"My new PR agency, 42nd Street Public Relations, is working on getting me on talk shows and mainstream media and political shows," said Boll, who will be featured in the February issue of GQ Magazine. "They're going to try to get me on 'Larry King Live.'"

Also hitting theaters in 2008 from Boll are a pair of original, non-gaming movies. 1968: Tunnel Rats will open in late summer/early fall, but will be shown in film festivals like Tribeca and Berlin earlier. Boll said Universal Music has given him a complete soundtrack of hit songs from 1968 for his Vietnam war movie, which will be released as an art house film. A videogame based on the film will ship in tandem for Xbox 360 and PC.

Horror fans will be able to see the NC-17 rated Seed at the Fangoria Convention January 18. The 1970s movie, which stars Michael Pare as a man hunting down a released serial killer, will be rolled out in a limited release.

"We're doing 100 prints of the film and will move those from territory to territory across the country," said Boll. "The film's rated NC-17 and it's too hard for normal film audiences. There's a four-minute-long scene where a woman is killed with a hammer and it's one of the most gruesome scenes ever filmed."

Those who couldn't get enough of Alone in the Dark will be able to check out the straight-to-DVD sequel, which doesn't feature anyone from the original or tie into the original in any way. The DVD will be released in March or April of 2008.

As for Far Cry, which is being finished up now, Boll said because 2008 is so crowded with movies, he may hold that theatrical release until 2009, which should have more openings with the Hollywood writers' strike. Boll said he will likely film only one movie in 2008, but hopes to film at least two in 2009. The tentative plan is to film videogame adaptations of Sabotage and BloodRayne 3 (which will follow the World War II Nazi premise of the first game) in Croatia back-to-back.

Gamers will have plenty of new Boll films to talk about for the coming years.

Rather than challenging her to a fight or asking for an e-mail address at which he could berate her at his future convenience, he shared his belief that 9/11 was executed so badly by a doped pilot that they'll eventually "have to redo it." Say what you will about Boll's resume, but you're never going to hear anything that interesting come out of the mouth of Spielberg or Scorsese at one of their movie premieres.

• Previously: Defamer Stakes Out Some Space On The Stony Awards' Green Carpet [Defamer]

chris your review shows me only that you dont understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you dont see courage because you are nothing. and no go to your mum and fuck her ...because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it.

people like you are the reason that independent movies have no chance anymore. uwe boll PS: POSTAL is R RATED . The MPAA understood the satire — you not — you dumb fuck

The rest of the amusing exchange between the writer and director (and briefly, a publicist) is here, but nothing that follows really approaches Boll's opening salvo. Kohler should just consider himself lucky that Boll merely invited him to violate his own mother instead of beckoning him into the ring for one of his legendary critic ass-whoopings. The momentary sting of those clever words is almost certainly less painful than a brutal pummeling by Boll's meaty, smirk-erasing fists.

• You Dumb F*ck': Uwe Boll Responds To Our Postal Review [Game Life]

Back in June, Uwe Boll, the much-pilloried director of inept, video-game-based filmed entertainments (and, perhaps most damningly, a movie in which Tara Reid starred as a genius anthropologist), challenged a handful of his most vocal detractors to a public boxing match, promising that scenes from the fights would later be incoherently edited into future masterwork Postal. On Saturday night, the pugilistic director finally engaged his predictably glass-jawed critics in the much-anticipated fisticuffs up in Vancouver, utilizing his long-bottled rage to quickly dispatch all four combatants with a flurry of hacky fists. There's video of the melee above (via Ain't It Cool's report), and after the jump, the Defamer Special Correspondent on Runaway Bloodsport Production offers a blow-by-blow of the event. Enjoy.

The gates of hell were opened Saturday night around the Plaza of Nations in Vancouver, BC. Uwe "Raging" Boll - director/producer of masterpieces like Seed, House of the Dead, BloodRayne, vs. four of his harshest movie critics, next door to a Mariah Carey concert.

We didn't understand at first what was about to unfold, as there was a genuine panic over the fact that alcohol was not being served, a problem solved by running into the new casino next door and then back to see the carnage..

The crowd - a peculiar mix of people swelling with joy and anxiety...those with real concern for Uwe (basically the crew from

Postal, Seed, etc.) screaming UWE UWE UWE, a table of shiny intoxicated Britelight Producers (the Vancouver Production company responsible for harbouring Uwe) showed embarrassed support, offset by a real crowd of spectators there to, you know, see real, professionally trained fighters respectfully beat the crap out of each other after this "opening entertainment."

It didn't take long for us to realize he had charmed Jeff Sneider (Ain'tItCool.com), Chris Alexander of Rue Morgue magazine, Richard "Lowtax" of SomethingAwful.com and Nelson Chance Minter into the ring with shiny promises of publicity as a cover to actually take serious shots to their heads.

Uwe barely managed a smile as the intros were made and more verbal criticism was bravely thrown down. Ding Ding round one. Boll was indeed there to seek some feral payback and any hope of playful petting was lost in the eyes of his critics - they had to take their punches now like men.

The situation quickly sank into a surreal bully vs geek schoolyard brawl. Jeff and the boys may be verbally and intellectually superior, but Uwe is bigger and it seems outside of the happy endings in bloodless Hollywood movies, the bully wins and nerds live to write the screenplay about it.

After the first few steady punches to the head on critic number one - it was over. Technical knockout...what?? That was maybe two minutes. I could barely get high off the rush. Before I could metabolize the joy fight two had begun and, of course, a few swishy dance moves around the ring and whack, critic two (I've long lost the memory of names - Monday morning disease ) sways, unsteadily stumbling like a Mariah bobble toy...knock out number two... These guys were getting hurt for real - at this point I closed my eyes like a bitch and went to my happy place.

Opened my eyes to flashes of blood spewing from face of nerdy critic three. Outside Sneider was barfing all over our glorious Canadian soil.

Had my eyes on all the cameras and webcasts for the fleeting moment fight four was on. The pain was short. Stifling sly arrogance, Uwe leaves the ring satisfied to have proved something. I don't know what, but I'd watch it again.

• Uwe SMASH!! [AICN]
• Uwe Boll Challenges Critics To Beat His Lack Of Talent Out Of Him [Defamer]

Towards the end of the filming of Postal, the five most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the chance to be an extra/stand-in in Postal and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10-bout match. There will be five matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All five fights will be televised on the Internet and will be covered by international press.

If you find yourselves confused as to what boxing has to do with the fact that Boll makes unbelievably crappy movies, you're clearly overthinking the matter. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for critics to disprove the stereotype that they are all doughy, benign nerds who are only capable of rendering damage in the form of cutting remarks. As an added incentive, equals from the same publication are welcome to take the director on simultaneously: Whatever pay-per-view fees were involved, we'd gladly hand them over to see the NY Times' Manohla Dargis jump on him from behind and dig her thumbnails into his eye sockets, distracting Boll long enough for co-reviewer A.O. Scott to bring him down from behind with a sharp blow to the head with Pauline Kael's I Lost It at the Movies.

• Do you wanna go POSTAL on Uwe Boll? Here's you chance to stomp his ass into a slimey mudpile! [Ain't It Cool News]

• Boll's Latest Film Is Based on Video Game [AP]
• Uwe Boll [IMDb]
• Previously: A Message For Uwe Boll [Defamer]