We put the original tape up Monday afternoon. The tabs all go to press on Monday night so they can be out on the stands for Wednesday, so there were plenty of harried reporters working their Blackberries trying to get these stories together.

Of course, we've been waiting all day to run out and see just how they were going to handle this mess. The answer: some well, some horribly. Except with the people at People, they seemed to have dropped the ball altogether (or just don't give a fuck).

So this is how we handled the story. Take a look at how everyone else did, we judged them based on the size of the story, it's placement, if they got the details right, what additional reportage they did, and, of course, whether or not we got the credit for bringing the world one more piece of naked celebrity detritus.

Magazine: Us Weekly
Headline: McSteamy's Sex Tape Scandal
Page: 56
Size: Full spread
Details: Us leads the mood on the set of Grey's Anatomy (understandably tense) on the day the video went online. Gives a recap of the movie followed by a look into how it went public. Talks to Peniche's mother, who denies her daughter leaked the tape for some quick fame. Includes a "Who is Kari Anne Peniche?" sidebar.
Our Due?: We're mentioned by name and there are screencaps with our watermark.
Grade: A

Magazine: In Touch Weekly
Headline: Can Their Marriage Survive?
Page: 48
Size: Full spread
Details: Talks to a "friend" of Rebecca who says, "she wishes it had not happened." Duh. An "insider" says this was not their first threeway (PS—If threeways are involved, it doesn't seem like their marriage is in too much trouble). The rest of the article focuses on how Gayheart's hit-and-run accident affect her and how a prior picture leak made her "emotionally fragile." Includes a "Who is the Other Woman?" sidebar.
Our Due?: Screen caps with our logo, but no mention by name.
Grade: B+

Magazine: Star
Headline: Rub-a-Dub-Dub...Three in a Tub
Page: 39
Size: Full Page
Details: Basically just a recap of the video. However, an "insider" says that Dane was told by Grey's to clean up his partying ways "and this tape proves he hasn't done that."
Our Due?: Mentions both Gawker and Defamer by name with screen caps baring both logos. Double word score!
Grade: C

Magazine: Life & Style
Headline: Grey's Star's Shocking Sex Tape
Page: 39
Size: Third of a page
Details: A recap of the video along with a description of Peniche, and the statement from Dane and Gayheart's lawyer. There is a nice picture of Dane and a topless Gayheart
Our Due?: No mention.
Grade: F

Ok!
Missing in Action!

Us
"How He Tricked Her." If you care about The Bachelorette, then you may want to know that a body language expert found Ed Swiderski's eyes were full of lies. We don't care, so we don't want to know. Also inside: A source says that Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger are "100% seeing each other." The only reason they didn't say anything before was because he was seeing Jennifer Aniston at the same time, but wasn't as into her as she was into him. Rachel McAdams and Josh Lucas: Splitsville. Also inside: When Jon Gosselin was home with the kids, he only played with them when the cameras were rolling. The rest of the time, he was smoking and talking on his cell phone. Jon complained to a group of photographers outside his house: "They think I'm messing around and not a good father, but I'm on my cell phone all day working, trying to make money and take care of my kids." Sparklevamp Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spent three nights together in his hotel room. An insider says: "They're not boyfriend-girlfriend exactly, but they've definitely hooked up." And the guy who plays Bella's dad says: "If they want to date each other, fine! Look, when you're that age, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to date people you probably shouldn't date. It's all part of the growing process." See, Twilight is real, and he's afraid Sparklevamp is gonna bite Kristen. Lastly: Jessica Simpson is turning to alcohol to deal with her breakup. She was smashed at Ken Paves' birthday party! Who among us has not gotten drunk at our hairdresser's bash? Ooh, and a source says John Mayer has naked pictures of Jessica on his cell phone, and showed his friends at lunch.
Grade: F (disemvoweling)

In Touch
"Angelina Humiliates Brad."
At the Hollywood premiere of Inglourious Basterds, Angelina "literally hogged the spotlight" from Brad, "making him look foolish." She was wearing a strapless leather cocktail dress, "and completely upstaged Brad." If she hadn't gone, the headline would have been: ANGIE ABANDONS BRAD. But since she showed up, there are six pictures of the two of them, with commentary like "Their tense arrival" and "Angelina won't stand back." (Fig. 1) There's also a picture of Angelina in her black strapless leather dress next to an image of Jennifer Aniston's Elle cover, where Jen is also wearing a black leather strapless dress and the subhead reads, "Angelina Stole Jen's Look!" Another spread has a collection of pictures in which Brad is made out to be an exhausted, heavy-drinking slob now that Angie is in his life. During their relationship, "He's gone from hot to haggard." And! In the table of contents, it says, "Angelina's Wearing Brad Down." (Fig. 2) Also inside: "They Look Like Mr. T!" (Fig. 3) Lastly: Ellen Pompeo is having a girl, if you care.
Grade: F (Morse code)

Life & Style
"They're Back On!"
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart shared a hotel room at Chateau Marmont from August 6 to August 8, and were spotted hanging out at various events all weekend. They were photographed separately taking smoke breaks on the room's balcony. The mag claims they had dinner on the hotel's back patio and were holding and kissing. A witness says: "The alcohol helped him shed his inhibitions and they could hardly keep their hands off each other toward the end of the evening." Though the cover says "Robert confirms he's dating Kristen," this is what they mean by that: Apparently New Moon costar Nikki Reed said something like "I saw the pictures [of you and Kristen]. I thought you were going to keep it secret" to Rob on an Alaska Airlines flight, and he said, "keep your voice down." Not exactly a "confirmation." Also inside: Kim Kardashian has dyed her hair — and eyebrows — honey blond. She says: "I definitely needed a change in my life… I have this whole new outlook and personality. It had transformed my attitude." Kate Hudson's biological father, Bill Hudson, is using the magazine to try and send messages to Kate. Moving on: "Khloé: I'm Not On Cocaine." This is a teaser for Kourtney And Khloé Take Miami, where you'll see that Khloé has coke in her bag. But she has a good reason! Lastly, Heidi Montag says: "I'm not wearing anything in the Playboy pictures. My skin is my accessory."
Grade: D (semaphore)

Star
"Divorce!"
The only source in this Sarah Palin "shattered marriage" story is Mercede Johnston, Levi' sister. She says Sarah and Todd are fighting all the time, and Todd ends up sleeping on the couch. Bristol used to tell Levi that Sarah and Todd would argue over the smallest things, like whose turn it was to do the dishes, and sometimes Todd would take off for days to his cabin in Eureka to get away from all the tension. Let's just remember that Mercede is 17 and is talking about her brother's ex-girlfriend's parents. She also says that after Bristol got pregnant, Todd and Sarah were yelling at each other a lot. Um, yeah. An Alaskan blog The Immoral Minority ran a headline: "Sarah And Todd Palin Are Splitsville." The blog claimed that Sarah had purchased land in Montana and was considering relocating there with the kids. Plus! After a fight, Sarah threw her wedding ring into Lake Lucille. An insider says the couple might come to a financial agreement for Todd to stay with Sarah and "give the impression of a loving husband" — at least through her book tour next year. Related: 15-year-old Willow Palin was caught on video drinking vodka (with a chaser of Mountain Dew) and taking a hit off of a joint at a party. Also inside: Like us, Star now watches for Photoshop of Horrors (Fig. 4). Unsolicited uterus update: Pénélope Cruz "bump alert" picture shows a very small baby "bump." Blind item: "Which singer is such a diva that she wears bright red lipstick to bed? She recently made her hubby go out at 10pm to get a replacement tube of her favorite shade." More about Kristen and Rob's "Hot Hotel Hookups!" The story begins thusly: "When Robert Pattinson's room is rocking, don't come knocking." Rob Pattinson had a guitar delivered to his hotel room so he could serenade Kristen Stewart. The magazine asks: Did Rob put a ring on it already? Kristen was seen wearing a ring on THAT finger. Gosselin news: "It's All-Out War!" They're doing things to annoy each other: Kate threw out Jon's favorite grill and most of his favorite shirts, except for one "special" Ed Hardy shirt, which she slashed with scissors and left out for him to see. She's been threatening to get rid of his tractor. She put up a no smoking sign and taught the kids to chant "smoking kills," and she taunts Jon by saying he's fat and ugly. Jon's been leaving cigarette butts lying around the house, and Kate's sensitive about her age, so he calls her "granny" to see if he can make her cry. Next: True Blood's Alexander Skarsgård played a suicidal transvestite named Geert in a 2006 indie flick, check out a pic (Fig. 5)! Lastly: Jessica Simpson is planning to write a multi-million dollar tell-all, which will spill details about her ex-boyfriends and her "love luggage" — her weight. Tony Romo liked her to dress up as a cheerleader, but with garter belts, stockings and high heels. And he'd bring food into the bedroom. John Mayer would talk baby talk in bed and was always begging her to experiment — he wanted her to go to sex parties "just to look." Jess might reveal how she fell for Dane Cook while filming Employee Of The Month "when he made her laugh so hard he made her pee her pants on the set." And! A source says: "She'll probably write about one wild night she had with Jude Law in New York, and how close she came to being his baby mama."
Grade: C- (braille)

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OK!
"$100 Million Or The Kids!" This is an eight page story, but the only "news" we learned is that IF Debbie Rowe doesn't try to get custody of Michael Jackson's kids, she COULD get $100 million. But! IF she does seek custody, she COULD get $50-$100 million to keep the kids in the style to which they are accustomed. Moving on: Just so you know, this is the "Summer Of K-Rod." Meaning Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez. Robert Pattinson is so stressed out by stalkery fans that he has "retreated into his own private world." This means the crew of Remember Me has "essentially stuck Rob in a box, constructing a seven-foot high enclosure from material screens where the actor retreats between takes." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston has a "high school crush" on Bradley Cooper. She's not worried by the fact that he recently went on a date with Renée Zellweger — a pal says: "It looks like Needy Edie is throwing herself all over him. We joke about how Renée's face stopped moving a few years ago. I doubt Jennifer will see her as competition."
Grade: F (bombed building full of rubble)

Life & Style
"It's Over!" If you believed that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were actually dating, then you may believe that he has dumped her for Emilie de Ravin. Though a Remember Me insider says: "I haven't seen any overt flirting between Robert and Emilie on the set." Yawn. The story titled "Britney's Revenge" has the subhead: "The singer's in the best shape of her life, while ex Kevin has packed on weight." "Michael's Worst Nightmare" is that the kids will have exposure to Joe Jackson. Except in the same damn paragraph, it says, "He's always been allowed to see his grandchildren." So the only cause for concern would be Joe exploiting the kids for financial gain, not that there's any evidence of that. Some "prominent" citizens of the city — including two Tulane professors — want Brad Pitt to be the new mayor of New Orleans. Will he run? Twelve days after going on a dinner date with Jennifer Aniston, Bradley Cooper went to dinner with Renée Zellweger (with whom he's working on a movie). There was no "Dr. Rey's Casebook" this week. Lastly, Rihanna tattooed her tattoo artist! The singer inked a tiny umbrella with an R on the handle for him and two other guys at the tattoo shop (Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (burned, charred house)

In Touch
"Explosive Tell-All Book" So. Ian Halperin, who's been writing an unauthorized biography of Michael Jackson for a while, is leaking all kinds of crap from his book. The book alleges that Michael liked having sex with men — not boys — and once picked up a construction worker in Las Vegas. There are also some weird pictures of Neverland— taken in 1993 — in which there are male mannequins posed in a room like they are talking to each other. Moving on: "Who Looks Better For Their Age?" Has John Mayer, Kristin Davis and Ellen Page as winners (Fig. 2). Did you know that Lourdes Got braces? (Fig. 3) Oh, look, our LEAST FAVORITE KIND OF STORY: "Cellulite Hits Stars Younger Than Ever!" Over six pages, the mag tries to shame Lauren Conrad, Hilary Duff, Jamie Lynn Spears and Mischa Barton for having dimples on their thighs. The mag talks to docs who blame cellulite on partying, having a baby, genetics and being thin (!!). Though one doctor says: "The thighs, butt and hips are genetically programmed to store fat." Groundbreaking. Angelina is "escaping" to France, where she will stay with the kids while Brad Pitt travels to Indonesia and Brazil for film projects. The mag spins this story as though Angie needs to spend time alone, instead of "Brad has work to do." Lastly: "Who Wore It Better? Kids' Special!" Seriously, they've got children competing for best dressed. And naturally, Suri Cruise wins her category (Fig. 4).
Grade: D (flooded home)

Star
"Inside Their Shattered World." This is by far, the sleaziest of the rags, with cover lines like "Who Will Be Our Mom?" and "Coroner: Michael Wanted To Die." A family friend says that the kids' isolated life has left them socially awkward, and they don't know how to act around anyone who is not family, a nanny or a bodyguard. Sometimes they even revert to infantile behavior like thumb-sucking or clinging to security blankets. A psychologist who does not treat them says, now that their father has died, "The kids could become very anxious and depressed." OBVIOUSLY. An eyewitness who was in the emergency room when Michael was brought in says that she overheard a female official from the coroner's office tell a cop: "The Jackson family strongly believes that Michael wanted to die. The family said he was very depressed for a long time, and they wanted to know what he used to kill himself." Ugh. Ugh! Then there's a quote from a "source" close to Michael, who says: "He wrote suicide notes, and then tore them up. He even kept one with him." His past as an abused child and his depression were what he discussed in the note. Allegedly. Moving on: Madonna and Guy Ritchie have reconnected over his support of her adoption of Mercy. "Flirt Alert!" Lance Bass and Dustin Lance Black — screenwriter of Milk — met in a VIP section of an NYC club. They talked! They danced! Dustin left at midnight; Lance "slipped out ten minutes later." Johnny Depp has a whole room in his London house devoted vampires, which he uses to relax, meditate and be alone. Oh snap: Miley Cyrus's best friend Mandy Jiroux is hooking up with Miley's ex Justin Gaston. Brad Pitt got an ultimatum from Angelina Jolie! An insider says that after his Moneyball shoot was canceled, "Angelina sat him down at the kitchen table and sternly told him, 'You must be with me this summer — it's not an option.'" She threatened to leave him if he said no, but Brad had an ultimatum of his own! He wants to settle down in one place, and can't stand the constant globe-trotting. Whatevs. Kate Gosselin wants her twins, Cara and Mady, to be the next Mary-Kate and Ashley. A rep for the Gosselins contacted a record label to talk about the possibility of the twins making a children's album. Kate wants them to have toys, clothing and TV shows. Did Anna Paquin and True Blood's Stephen Moyer hook up before he'd broken up with his girlfriend of seven years — who is also the mother of his child? He says he and Anna had chemistry from the start, and that they tried to keep things professional as long as they could, but it was "unstoppable." Lastly: Continuing with the sleaze, there's a story about a fight at Farrah Fawcett's funeral — Griffin O'Neal, who was banned from the ceremony, showed up anyway.
Grade: D+ (structure infiltrated by toxic mold)

Us
"Truth About His Kids." A friend of dermatologist Arnold Klein visited Michael and the kids Christmas 2008 — along with Arnold Klein and Carrie Fisher. The mag has the pictures to prove it! Arnold Klein and Carrie Fisher are friends, and Michael's kids love Star Wars, so Michael introduced her to his children as "Princess Leia." And she did the "help me Obi-Wan" speech for them! This magazine also claims that Debbie Rowe once admitted that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of his children — and didn't want to have biological kids — because he was afraid of giving them vitiligo. And Debbie Rowe said she married MJ "to prevent the taboo of having a child out of wedlock." A source says that Rowe knew MJ was a drug addict, but didn't care, as long as it didn't hurt the kids — but did want the nanny to be present 24 hours a day. There's also some weird stuff about the Nation of Islam and Michael Jackson's secret Nazi memorabilia. And! Another source says Michael was "as addicted to eBay as he was to drugs." He'd get high and stay up all night buying things. WHO DOESN'T? By the by, Debbie Rowe claims she slept with Brad Pitt before he was famous. And Michael Jackson was angry with Justin Timberlake because in 2001, they were staying at the same hotel, and JT was having "really loud sex" with then-girlfriend Britney Spears. Michael sent a security team to make them go quiet down. Diana Ross was "shocked" when she found out that she's named as back-up guardian in the will, because she thinks her kid-raising days are behind her. Sigh. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan turned down a role in The Hangover because she thought the script had "no potential." Or maybe she didn't want play a stripper. Again. Lastly: If you love sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson, you'll love these outtakes from a Rolling Stone shoot that never got published. A sampling? Sure! (Fig. 5)
Grade: C (termites in foundation)

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OK!
"Tragic Death." The mag chose a cover image that some are calling "ghoulish" and a "disgrace," especially since Michael Jackson may already be dead in the photo. Some advertisers may be pissed and there's talk of a boycott. Inside you'll find a standard collage of old and new Michael Jackson photographs. Also inside: Kristen Stewart has dumped her boyfriend Michael Angarano, according to a source, which means she COULD date Robert Pattinson, but she doesn't want to rush into another relationship. YAWN. One spread in the "news" section is called "The Many Faces Of Johnny Depp" and is just pictures of characters he has played. News? Really?
Grade: F (pulled away by rip tide)

Life & Style
"Who Killed Michael." The headline inside is "Drugs, Anorexia and Missing Millions," and you'll find a typical sensationalist story: the family thinks drugs were being used to manipulate Michael; there might have been millions stolen from him; he kept saying that he owed people money and people would kill him if he didn't do the London concerts. On and on, bullshit. Moving on: Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler are "competing" for Jennifer Aniston. During a late night shoot on Bounty Hunter, Jen was getting really "chatty" with Gerard, and a source says "Gerard was getting really close to her on the escalator." Um, it's an escalator. How far apart can two people be? Also, Gerard is "just like" Brad Pitt because they "wear similar hats," "they love their bikes," they've got great bodies," and they both wear aviator sunglasses. In a story about how Kate Gosselin might raise her kids alone, there's a sidebar on Jon Gosselin, in which the magazine spells his name with an H (we circled it in yellow for you) and prints the headline, "John Trades The Kids For Booze, Money And Women." (Fig. 1). Kendra Wilkinson had "wedding dress drama" when days before the ceremony, she discovered that her dress didn't fit! Her boobs were too big, because she is three months pregnant, "I had to get my whole dress redone," she explains. Britney Spears would like her agent/boyfriend Jason Trawick to move in with her at the end of her tour. Jacqueline of RHONJ clears up what Caroline was accusing Danielle of doing to Dina in the reunion special, saying: "Danielle was trying to harm Dina by giving her ex-husband a phone number that might give him leverage in the custody of their daughter Lexi." Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel might be "taking a break" since they have not been photographed together since May 31 and a source says, "I think they might be over." Robert Pattinson's aunt speaks to the magazine and says: "I don't think it would be a good idea for Robert to be in a serious relationship with Kristen. How can he live his life with a fellow star with their every move being watched, just like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?"
Grade: D- (jellyfish sting)

Star
"52 Best & Worst Beach Bodies!"
Some of the "best" include 15-year-old Ali Lohan, perennial fave Kim Kardashian, and Julia Roberts. Worsts? Kate Gosselin, Stephanie Seymour and Helena Christensen — the latter two have cellulite. Moving on: According to this magazine, Janet Jackson should get the kids because Katherine Jackson is too old and "it's what Michael would have wanted." Although the cover says "Janet Fights For Michael's Kids," it appears to be a lie — there is no information ANYWHERE indicating that Janet has gotten involved or wants the kids. Next: Justin Ross Lee, "an up and coming Facebook celebrity," sat next to Ashley Olsen on an airplane, took pictures of her sleeping and apparently sold the story to Star. It's a Star "exclusive." Disney Star Selena Gomez has a mole on her chest and if the 16-year-old star tries on a dress with a neckline low enough that the beauty mark can be seen, her mom nixes it. Says the mom: "I'm on constant mole patrol." James Haven — brother of Angelina Jolie — has a license plate which reads "Shilloh," because that was his nickname as a kid. Angie named her daughter after him, in a way. Lindsay Lohan went to get a manicure and had no cash on her, and no credit cards; she let another customer pay the bill for her. Blind item! "Which funnylady is a fan of those funny-smelling cigarettes? Tongues were wagging when she showed up half-baked at an industry dinner in L.A. on June 19th." In an interview with Robert Pattinson's exes, we learn that he was "amazing" in bed and that his first girlfriend now works in a slaughterhouse in New Zealand. Kevin, the ex-husband of RHONJ's Danielle Staub, claims that Danielle brought up "the book" to producers before the show. After she made the plea deal so she wouldn't go to prison, she started receiving anonymous threatening phone calls — possibly from the drug dealers she'd ratted out — and was talking about maybe going into the witness protection program.
Grade: D (mangled and tumbled by six foot waves)

In Touch
"Gone Too Soon."
To accompany this classic, retro cover straight out of 1984, there are two long stories about Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, PLUS A PULL-OUT POSTER with Michael on one side and Farrah on the other. Margaret is totally hanging it in her locker. (Fig. 2a, 2b) Also inside: Lindsay Lohan wears $2,165 ripped jeans. (Fig. 3). Madonna and Mercy look cute together! (Fig. 4). Did Stephanie Pratt have a nose job (Fig. 5)? Is Britney "unraveling" again? Recently she went shopping and changed her outfit in every store. Then, in London, she "tearfully shut herself into a closet" and "her assistant had to coax her out by promising to buy her tacos." Kate Gosselin is "flabby" now that the divorce is getting to her. Or wearing a different cut of bathing suit? Bradley Cooper is "going to break Jen's heart" because the night before their date, we was out with Lake Bell and "had his hands all over her legs." Check out Style Network star Ruby's "first fashion shoot" ever, on page 85 (Fig. 6). Lastly, a spider monkey named Coco announces that she likes bananas, grapes and swings, and is the 4th of the Girls Next Door (Fig.7).
Grade: C (sunburn)

Us
"His Final Days."
Margaret says this is the best Michael Jackson story she has read all week. Instead of the recapped/CNN stuff the other magazines are printing. The mag talks to Michael's former bodyguard, who says that MJ was often over-medicated and "I would have to literally lift him up and carry him back to the car or back to his room." Michael had a fall-out with his former best friend, illusionist Uri Geller, because Geller tried to tell him he was taking too many painkillers and anti-depressants — Michael couldn't accept someone confronting him, because he's used to getting his way. A family source says that Michael's usual schedule was to sleep until late in the afternoon and stay up all night, but when he started rehearsals for the tour, it "totally screwed up his system." He started using stimulants in order to get up early for the rehearsals. There's another story in the mag about Michael's "Life As A Dad" with tons of previously unseen pictures of his kids. Plus, there's deep insight as to what the kids' lives were like. Sources say the kids were very intelligent and fairly normal. Michael would get down on his knees on the floor and change Blanket's diaper. Michael made a big deal out of Christmas, because growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, he wasn't allowed to celebrate. But a photographer says that his wacky behavior did affect the kids: He was paranoid that someone was trying to poison the kids, and at hotels, there would be a long list of stuff they couldn't eat. When they stayed in fancy hotels, Michael would go in and baby-proof everything — like go in and put cardboard and tape on all sharp edges of the furniture. The kids were home-schooled in a classroom at Neverland that had blackboards, textbooks and desks, and the children had to wear matching uniforms to school. They had instructors, but Michael also handled some of the lessons: He taught them African-American history, music and art. There's also information on the biological father of the kids, dermatologist Arnold Klein. Plus: Did you know that Katherine Jackson and Joe Jackson don't live together? She lives in L.A. and he lives in Vegas. Also inside: Kanye West has been interning at the GAP's offices in NYC. "He works all the time, and one Friday night recently, he stayed until 12 am. He's learning the fashion business from the inside and trying to do it quietly." Jennifer Garner hates Ben Affleck's ex, Gwyneth Paltrow! She's annoyed that Gwyneth sends her kids to Violet's school… but only for a few weeks a year, which "messes up the dynamics of the class." Lastly, there are six pages of "official photos" from Kendra Wilkinson's wedding — she was bumped off the cover by the death of MJ. Margaret found the wedding, which took place at the Playboy Mansion, to be a "shockingly classy affair." Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt were among the bridesmaids, and Hef and his three new girlfriends were in attendance. Hef danced with Kendra to "As Time Goes By." Fatherly!
Grade: B- (sand in crotch of swimsuit)

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Ok!
This mag can't really be called a tabloid anymore. They've been threatening to change, then everyone got fired and things are not the same. Instead of gossip, it's all fashion, makeup, diet tips, pictures and stuff like Dita Von Teese's fave cocktail and an interview with Padma Lakshmi about her jewelry line. Is it "Elle Weekly," as they described? Not exactly. But there's no juicy "news."
Grade: N/A (disqualified from game)

In Touch
"38 Best And Worst Beach Bodies." There are seven pages of celebs in swimsuits. Guess who the mag says "could use a little work"? Lindsay Lohan; Kate Hudson, whom they accuse of "flaunting her curves,"; Katherine Heigl, who "has cellulite" on her "lumpy butt"; and tennis champ Serena Williams [Fig. 1]. In a "Beach Body Showdown," Beyoncé beats Britney, because of her "star quality" thanks to her "chiseled abs." Moving on. In a poll of who should be the black James Bond, Will Smith won, but Diddy, Idris Elba and Jamie Foxx were all in the running. Diddy says, "I think James Bond should be sent on a mission to New York. He should meet me: black Bond." In other news, Jennifer Aniston is "torn between two men." She was seen flirting with Bradley Cooper — they have gone on a few dates and sent a few texts. "But there is one big problem," according to the mag: She's been back in touch with Brad Pitt. "Seeing Brad and talking to him opened up a whole can of worms for Jen, emotionally. She never really stopped loving him," says a source. Which Brad will she choose?!?! Lastly, "Katie's Baby Dream: Twins." Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are gonna try in vitro, and MAY have twins. "Katie wouldn't mind having two more kids with Tom, but she didn't have the easiest pregnancy with Suri, so she isn't looking forward to two more pregnancies," says a source. And she is "thrilled" and Tom is "over the moon" about their nonexistent kids. Obviously.
Grade: D- (red card for insulting language)

Life & Style
"Jen Betrayed By Her Best Friend." Courteney Cox and David Arquette have been on Jen's side since her divorce from Brad Pitt. But! May 3rd, the couple attended a dinner at a friend's house and Brad was there and they totally talked to him!!! Then they spoke to him again later that night, backstage at a Chris Cornell concert. "It's got to be hurtful," notes psychologist Jean Cirillo, who does not treat Jen. "She seems like a sensitive person and Courteney should know that." What's worse, Courteney is hard at work on Cougar Town — a TV series about older women dating younger men — and Jen wants to make a movie called Pumas, about the same topic. Why is Courteney trying to make Jen's life miserable??!?!?! Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are getting "EVEN CLOSER," and there is proof, as you'll see in this picture of them squeezed into a limo together — the caption reads, "the costars sat with their legs touching," but it was either that or amputation! [Fig. 2] Bruce Jenner has a new face, have you seen it [Fig. 3]? Fifteen year old Ali Lohan is "turning into Lindsay" but really is just wearing her hand-me-downs [Fig. 4]. Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Belly In Hollywood?" Pamela Anderson, 41 and mother of two, would "look fab" with the 26-year-old abs of Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. [Fig. 5]
Grade: D (red card for foul play)

Us
"Kate & The Bodyguard." A source says Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 and her bodyguard are sometimes "very physical, often touching each other." And! She was spotted "gently poking him, giving him little love pats, unlike slapping does with Jon." Meanwhile, TLC is struggling to retool the May 25th premiere of the show to "somehow reflect or acknowledge the current reality in an otherwise heavily produced 'reality' show." A source says of Jon: "He really hates her and is out to destroy her publicly." Someone saw him at a restaurant with Deanna Hummel, his purported mistress, and says, "He shouldn't have acted like that. He's a married man." Also, a source says when one of her kids was bleeding, Kate raised her arms and said, "can someone deal with this?" She didn't hug the child or call him by name, she acted "like he was a roach." Here is a fun before and after of Kate: [Fig. 6]. Also inside: Angelina is mad at Madonna. She's infuriated that her Madgesty is trying to adopt from Malawi because she thinks Madonna "is a blatant copycat" who is "coming from the wrong place." She thinks instead of caring about the child, Madonna is in it for the publicity. Lastly, this magazine has an ABSOLUTELY EPIC spread of how many times In Touch has had Brad and Angelina "fake news" on their "inventive" covers. Burn! [Fig. 7]
Grade: C (yellow card for unsporting behavior)

Star
"Inside Jon & Kate's Twisted Marriage!" Kate's brother and sister-in-law, Kevin and Jodi Kreider, talked to the mag because they think Kate is selling out the kids and they're worried about them. Jodi was on the show for 3 seasons and is "popular with fans." Apparently when Kate found out that Kevin and Jodi were getting compensated for appearing on the TV show, Kate freaked out and screamed, "No one is getting paid but us!" Anyway, Kevin told the mag that while they were filming the show, Jon and Kate would fight so much, the crew would have a hard time getting 15 minutes of usable footage out of an 8 hour shoot. Kevin says that Jon came over recently and said he believes Kate has been unfaithful — with the bodyguard, Steve. Jodi says Jon has wanted off the series for a while, but Kate wasn't about to let him off, with so much money at stake. So Kate offered Jon a contract — stating that he could have girlfriends — as long as he showed up for shoots. There's so much more... it goes on forever. But. Moving on: Sarah Michelle Gellar is 5 months pregnant and it's a girl. Kristen Stewart's boyfriend, Michael Angarano, visited her on the set of New Moon and asked her to marry him. She thinks she's too young to get hitched and wants to wait. She's 19; he's 21. Is Jennifer Love Hewitt knocked up with Jamie Kennedy's baby? She was spotted buying a pregnancy test at a CVS. And wearing flowy dresses. Blind item! "Which cable TV hunk had an affair with his on-screen wife? Now that production is back in schedule, will the couple, who both have significant others, pick up where they left off?" (Please don't let it be Jon Hamm!) Also inside: This mag says Rihanna thinks that the nude pictures of her were released by Chris Brown because he invited her to his birthday party and she didn't show up. Don't their problems run a little deeper than that? Next: "Shannen Doherty: Homewrecker!" She's dating the photographer who shot her Radar cover last summer, Kurt Iswarienko, and he filed for divorce from fashion designer Taryn Brand on Christmas Eve. Taryn's mom tells the mag, "Shannen broke up a marriage. That's all I'm going to say." Ashlee Simpson is pregnant again, according to multiple sources. This has the mag wondering if Jessica Simpson's belly is a baby "bump." [Fig. 8] Last, but not least: David Hasselhoff has a "deathwish." He went to the hospital SEVEN times last year for alcohol poisoning and a source says, "when the booze runs out, he moves on to cough syrup."
Grade: C+ (yellow card for blatant harassment)

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Life & Style
"Trista & Ryan's New Baby."
Margaret refused to read the cover story, so we won't talk about that. Also inside: A piece called "Brad And Jen Get Close Again" is about Brad visiting a hotel downtown (for a photoshoot), which was super close to the hotel where Jen is staying while shooting The Baster. In the end, they didn't meet up, though. The magazine also alleges that Jennifer Aniston is "dressing like" Angelina Jolie because — GASP — she wore a high ponytail [Fig. 1]. What else? Cameron Diaz will never settle down because a psychologist who does not treat her says "she represents women who recognize that maybe they're not going one partner for a lifetime, and that should be okay." A sidebar about Cammie is titled, "Her Long-Term Loves Never Last." Wait, if they were long-term, how did they not last? Also, Cam gets compared to George Clooney. Rihanna is dating again; the mag links her to three different guys. Ooh, look: A grade-school picture of Michelle Obama [Fig. 2]!
Grade: F (raw, poisonous cashews)

Ok!
"Secrets From The Set"
Here's the "secret": Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and some other New Moon peeps went back to the hotel and jammed on guitars and harmonica. This mag also has a quiz: "Who Is Your New Moon Soulmate?" Also inside: Britney's kids will be able to go with her on the European leg of her tour. There's a glittery pic of American Idol's Adam "Glambert" Lambert [Fig. 3], who says, "I have nothing to hide."
Grade: F (burned chestnuts)

Us
"Affair With Teacher."
Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is having an affair with an elementary school teacher named Deanna Hummel, says her brother, Jason Hummel (and five other sources). Jason tell the mag that the two have been dating for three months and "spend tons of time together." Jon only slept over once, but the two would be gone all weekend sometimes. Quoth Jason: "How do I say this? The walls are thin, let's just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex. Let alone with a married dude who's like almost twice her age and who has 8 kids and a maybe-crazy wife." There are pix of Deanna sunbathing at Jon's house in a bikini. And apparently there is video of Jon leaving Deanna's house at 7:30 in the morning. Jason says, "Either Jon didn't care about keeping it a secret or he's the world's dumbest man. He would come over and park one of his three cars right across the street… Dude, when you're sleeping with a woman who's not your wife and TV cameras follow you everywhere, you better keep that quiet. I just think he's such a fucking moron." By the by, Jason used to be a drug dealer.
Grade: C (shelled walnuts)

In Touch
"Jen & Brad Together Again!"
Brad and Jen have been talking frequently on the phone and texting each other, says the mag, and their conversations are "becoming longer and more personal as he confides in her about his current situation." See, apparently the atmosphere at Brad's house is "cold" and his relationship with Angie is falling apart, so Brad is using Jen as a shoulder to cry on. And here's what happened: After Brad visited Angelina on the set of Salt, he drove across town to where Jen's film The Baster was in production. THE PAIR QUIETLY MET FACE TO FACE. "He pulled up in his black SUV," says a source, although Jen's rep denies it. "Jen snuck into his car. They drove around New York City together, talking." And! Jen gave Brad a gold necklace for his birthday in December (???) and he's been wearing it "almost constantly." Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat either star, says: "He's letting Jen know that he's available to her, and emotionally involved with her on some level." And that pink braided necklace he's wearing on the cover? Made by Shiloh. Then there's a box titled, "Watch Out, Angelina, Jen's Caught Up To You!" which explains: "If you count all of her movie and television roles, Jennifer has given birth to six children." But! If you count all of Angelina's roles, she is a crazy person and a tomb raider. So. Moving on. Salma Hayek's honeymoon took place on a private island off the coast of Africa where there are only 11 guest bungalows, and yet there are eight extremely intimate kissy beach pix in the mag. Someone was hiding on a boat! Hey, did you know that the surrogate twins are saving Sarah Jessica Parker's marriage? SJP's friends say the twins are just "Band-Aid babies" to keep the couple together. Johnny Depp is a "real life pirate" because he and his family are living on a boat in Puerto Rico; the vessel is called VaJoLiRoJa, which comes from combining the first letters of each family member's name. Raise your hand if you want to live on a boat with Johnny Depp. In the middle of all this celebrity coverage there are two pages on Swine Flu. Hmm. Weird. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have been hanging out at her farm 90 miles away from L.A.; a witness saw them at the farmer's market: "They were buying tangerines, holding hands and looked madly in love." Lastly: Is Violet Affleck the new Suri [Fig. 4]?
Grade: C+ (almonds)

Star
"Pregnant Angie's Secrets & Lies!"
Here is the first line of this story: "Angelina Jolie is a jealous, cunning liar who cheated on Brad with a famous rock star, schemed to lure him away from Jennifer Aniston — and even slept with her own mother's boyfriend!" These are the allegations in Andrew Morton's new book. He says she was in an L.A. mental institution in 2000, and hours after her release, she married Billy Bob Thornton. She was so obsessed with him, she threatened to kill herself if he didn't marry her. She was always asking her boyfriends if she could taste their blood. She had a "brief but steamy" affair with a guy her mom knew — who was attached and 20 years older — and she seduced him. She also seduced her mom's boyfriend after her mom had a fight with the guy, but then confessed to her mom and promised to never do it again. An insider says, "I'm told she was pregnant two or three times. She was careless and wasn't ready to be a mom." The insider adds that Angie has always felt regret about those babies she didn't have, which could be why she's determined to have a huge family. Sigh. Angie doesn't want her girls to know about her multiple boob jobs — she had them enlarged before Tomb Raider but reduced afterwards. And! Guess what? Salt will come out at the same time as The Baster. Oh, and the rock star Angelina had sex with "half a dozen" times? Blonde and female. They did it on the beach in Malibu. They were linked summer 2007 to September 2008. We can't guess who it is! Moving on: Halle Berry "bump alert." [Fig. 5] Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford are trying to adopt a little girl. Blind item: "What funnyman's career might be flagging due to his dependence on downers? After a disastrous comedy set in NYC, he admitted he's hooked on Vicodin. Deadly serious." Jennifer Aniston had the staff of the Greenwich Hotel shut down the pool area so she could go skinny dipping, which is what she does to relax. Katie Holmes has been secretly smoking: A staff member spilled the beans to Tom Cruise, who confronted her. Turns out she's been puffing on and off for a while and is afraid to quit because she'll get fat. Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's ex-husband talked to Star and says "Michelle has kids for other people but she hardly ever sees her own son." She also has a tattoo of "the international symbol of bisexuality." Robert Pattinson went to a strip club in Vancouver and got a lap dance from a lady named Kendra, who says he was "Actually kind of shy and not a great tipper." He returned two days later, and asked for Kendra, but she wasn't working, so he left. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman are seeing each other, and their "encounter" was the reason Robin Wright wanted a divorce. Again. "Friends" are suggesting that John Travolta and Kelly Preston adopt a kid to deal with the grief of losing Jett. A "local" says of Jon & Kate Plus 8: "I heard Kate was getting way too close with her personal trainer, so Jon started cheating." Lastly: "Hollywood Prom Night" includes lots of celebs' old pictures — and old noses — and a snap of Verne Troyer, who was Homecoming King [Fig. 6].
Grade: B- (creamy peanut butter)

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That's what the celebrity media is betting at least. Us Weekly scored the biggest coup in the current news cycle: an on the-record interview with Lohan.

"It's absolute hell," Lohan told Us... Lohan says she's "so alone" without Ronson.

"Everyone's turned on me," says the actress.

Socialite Nicole Richie, Lohan reports, said "Uck" as she walked by Lohan following a Lohan-Ronson showdown at Chateau Marmont, while actress Drea De Matteo told Lohan, "Come at me, bitch." It sounds like there just might be another side to the story there. Anyway.

Us also quoted "sources" saying Lohan has threatened to kill herself repeatedly over the past month in response to Ronson trying to extricate herself from the relationship. The magazine rushed its coverage onto the cover of Wednesday's issue, where it describes Lohan as "Dumped, humiliated, broke & crying."

National Enquirer sibling RadarOnline, meanwhile, has "rehab graduate" Lohan "chugging" a bottle of Belvedere vodka at a Hollywood club with her mom Monday night and implied Lohan maybe lit a joint.

Over at Time Warner, TMZ had Lohan "devastated" over press reports Ronson might seek a restraining order, while People, providing a rare bit of good press of Lohan, later quoted Ronson's attorney saying his client didn't want such a restraining order.

Lohan is in a sad and tragic place, no doubt. Also pretty certain: No media outlet's about to pass up, in the middle of a recession, what's looking like the biggest celebrity meltdown since Britney Spears' mental hospital tour of '08.

Contributing editor Margaret assists as we try and reach the pinnacle of celebrity "news" by reading In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. Results below.

Ok!
"Best Friends!"
Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie are both in New York for films, but "the working moms' most important project while in Manhattan is coordinating a playdate for their two adorable toddlers!" Not that it has happened yet. Still, the mag pushes the kids together on the elaborately Photoshopped cover and inside there's another composite photo where it almost looks like Suri and Shiloh are standing on the same sidewalk, except you know that they are not, because the photos are months apart. The cover is a real achievement since it involved cutting out Shiloh's basket so that Suri's dress would appear behind the handle, even though these children HAVE NEVER MET. Moving on: Mariska Hargitay is recuperating from her second surgery in two months from complications after suffering a collapsed lung. Be well! A story about how Tim Gunn has a little crush on Anderson Cooper is illustrated with tiny hearts (Fig. 1). Tim says he loves Coop's "brain, looks and style. He's fabulous!" Margaret wants them to be boyfriends and have little well-dressed babies. Gwen Stefani's kid Kingston has a crush on their neighbor, Britney Spears: "He think [Britney] is really great and cute, and he flirts with her," Gwen says. A story about Briney being on tour contains this sentence: "This tour had a totally unexpected impact on Britney and her own kids, turning them into a real family," a "friend" of Brit's tells the mag. Because they used to be a fake family, you see. Lastly, in a Rihanna story, an insider claims Rihanna is "desperate" to keep Chris Brown out of jail. Ugh.
Grade: F (falling down a flight of stairs)

In Touch
"Friends Fear It Will End In Death."
Perhaps coincidentally, the picture of Chris Brown inside shows a skull tattoo on his hand. The article is about how Chris could kill Rihanna, but there is no new information. Moving on: "Posh Steals Tom's Style" made us LOL (Fig. 2). Next, there's a spread which seems to insinuate that Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick is hot for some dude with whom he attended a Knicks game (Fig 3). Love the way they gaze into each other's eyes and whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears. Jessica Simpson is "back in her Daisy Dukes" but they are actually not the same shorts she wore in 2004; though they are the same jean shorts she wore in 2007. Also: Who cares? A spread called "Stars Are Starting To Look Like Vampires" is about pale skin and red lips. Yeah, Dita Von Teese is pictured.
Grade: D- (getting stuck in an elevator)





Us
"Bachelor Revenge!"
Margaret says she read the whole story and found it "boring and stupid and made-up." Apparently after they filmed After The Final Rose Melissa Rycroft sent Jason Mesnick emails that were leaked online. (By her, one assumes?) In them she said: "I can't believe you did that to me publicly. I can't even tell you how much respect I lost for you. Seeing the person that you became you are right: A relationship between you are I would never work." That is like when someone dumps you and you say, "No, I am dumping you!" Moving on: A sidebar about celebrity babysitters reveals which stars sat for other stars: William H. Macy used to babysit for Jeremy Piven; Kristen Bell used to babysit Hayden Panettiere; Alice Cooper used to babysit for Keanu Reeves; Michael Bolton used to watch Paula Abdul. Next: Nadya Suleman, known in this mag as "Octomom," wrote a letter to her 14 kids (?!?) and Us hired a handwriting analyst to study it. Because Suleman didn't loop her "G," she has unfulfilled wishes and dreams. Sad! But hopefully her "wishes" aren't for more kids. Oh, so the video of her giving birth is being shopped for $1 million and apparently Suleman wanted it shot so her other kids could see the miracle of life. Plus, in a Radaronline interview, when asked if she would do porn, Suleman said: "Who wants to see me naked? Maybe in a year when the baby fat goes away." So that's not a no? In a Chris and Rihanna story, Bow Wow, a friend of the couple, says the rumors of a pregnancy and secret wedding are not true. A "friend" of Rihanna's says: "Am I scared for her? Hell yeah. I saw the girl's face. She looked like chopped liver. He could kill her next time." The DA tells Us that since Chris texted an apology to Rihanna's assistant "that amounts to a confession." Also: "If she says she hit him first, that could very well be the difference whether he spends any time in jail or not." Plus: America's Next Top Model winner Jaslene Gonzalez says she was in an abusive relationship for four years. She's put two restraining orders on him since winning the show.
Grade: D (climbing extremely steep stairs on hands and knees)

Life & Style
"Force To Diet."
Though Katie Holmes's rep denies it, the mag claims Kate is on a "Scientology detox diet known as a purification rundown." It's a combination of exercise, vitamins, nutrition and sauna that dislodges drug residue and other toxins. Sounds fun! But: Taking niacin has maybe made Katie's skin yellow. A reporter asked her about her favorite restaurants, and she held up a drink and said, "As you can see, I'm on my liquid diet right now." Have you seen Angelina and Brad's Long Island living room? It's insane (Fig. 4)! The house has a "shocking past" — wild parties! A feng shui consultant who does not work for Brad and Angie says: "If they want to cleanse the energy of the home, they could go around the perimeter of it with sage or ringing a bell. In every corner you clap your hands to break up the energy. Energy often gets caught in corners." Good to know. Rihanna has been invited to go on Oprah's show, but Chris told her not to do it, saying it would make things worse. According to a friend. And: "She really did change her email address and her cell phone number." Rihanna isn't talking to friends or family who don't support her decision to get back with Chris. There's an "exclusive" interview with Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger about the breast reduction she got. She went to an associate of Dr. 90210 (Dr. Rey) because she saw him on TV. Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook: Necks. Anne Hathaway's is "wrinkle-free," maybe because she is 27? Nicole Kidman's neck is "loose." She is 41. Jane Krakowski, 40, would "appear younger" with 28-year-old Kristen Bell's neck. (Fig. 5)
Grade: D+ (riding an elevator which stops at every floor)

Star
"Caught: Brad & The Nanny!"
Here's the deal with Brad Pitt and the nanny: Brad walked into the twins' room and saw the nanny sitting on the bed. He asked what was wrong and she told him she didn't feel well. He sat down next to her and started rubbing her back. "It really was all very innocent," says an insider. But if they were alone in the room, who is this person?? Anyway. Angelina walked in and "flipped out." She "got right in Brad's face, screaming at the top of her lungs and told the nanny to get out of her house and never come back." Then the commotion woke the babies and they started crying; Angie just snapped. "She slapped Brad right across the face. He was stunned." Brad stormed out of the house and went on a long motorcycle ride. Now the kids are upset because the nanny is gone and Angie gets mad when they ask where the lady went. Moving on: Jennifer Love Hewitt is now dating Jamie Kennedy. Blind item! "Which aging sexpot needs to get a handle on her carnal instincts? Diners at a chic LA eatery were disgusted by a sloppy makeout session with her younger lover. Such bad taste!" Miley Cyrus has fake teeth and they fell out of her mouth at a recent photo shoot. Brad and Angie have "added another kid" to their brood: Shiloh's imaginary friend, Amy. Shiloh says she likes Amy better than Knox and Viv. "Jake Puts A Ring On It" is about how Reese Witherspoon showed up at a photo shoot wearing an engagement ring, but took it off when she saw people staring. She's not ready to go public with it, but Gyllenhaal popped the question. Two pictures of Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick on vacation in Jamaica. An insider says Chris Brown won Rihanna back "with the promise of marriage and babies" but now "he's made it clear that if she even thinks of leaving, she'll pay for it." "One minute he's whispering sweet nothings to her and the next he's making threats." Next: Britney and Kevin are falling in love again. While on tour in Florida, Brit took the family to Disneyworld and booked a whole floor at a hotel for her camp. An insider says: "Her room was only four doors down the corridor from Kevin's! They looked awfully friendly when they met up in the hallway!" The two allegedly stay up all night talking in hotel rooms and backstage, Kevin hugged Britney and told her she looked "gorgeous" before she went on. A different insider says there's been "some kissing." The sister of Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston, Mercede Johnston, tells the mag that Bristol broke up with Levi more than a month ago, is not attending school and rarely lets Levi see their son. Scandal! Is Paula Abdul only acting like she is over Idol and into her jewelry line? Or does she want producers to beg her to stay? Finally: "We Love Our Curves" is an eight page photo-driven story about "curvy" celebs. The mag claims Beyoncé is a size 12, Jennifer Hudson is a size 10 and Mad Men's Christina Hendricks is a 10. Does that make any sense?
Grade: C- (stuck going up endless narrow, ancient stone spiral staircase)

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Star went retro with a Jen/Brad story; OK! beat the horse carcass that is the Jessica Simpson "weight battle." Life & Style seized upon the "Octomom". But kudos to In Touch, for taking a risk and putting Tara Reid on the cover. Guess who wants to buy a magazine with Tara Reid on it? No one. Intern Margaret assists as we attempt to drink delicious, bubbly, celebrity gossip.

In Touch
"Rehab Saved My Life." Intern Margaret wants to know if money exchanged hands between the magazine and Tara Reid, or Promises Malibu — otherwise, why in the name of Bombay Sapphire is there an "exclusive" cover story about Tara Reid? Her revelations include things like: "I wasn't drinking any more than my friends, so I didn't get it. I'd think, why am I an alcoholic and she isn't? The truth is, some people can drink and some can't." Moving on: Jet-setting is "taking a toll" on Angie and Brad's brood! They've been to eight countries in eight weeks — from the U.S. to Germany, France, Japan, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and the U.K. An eyewitness in the Japanese airport said, "The kids looked miserable and frightened." Three of them had coughs and runny noses. Plus, the children's education has been "patchy at best." Ever wonder why John Mayer can't commit? It's because a girl named Allison broke his heart when he was 16. A friend says, "They were madly in love, but something went wrong." John vowed never to get his heart stomped on again! Tom Cruise finally looks like the "man of Katie's dreams" because he toned up. An eyewitness from a beach in Brazil says: "He's totally ripped." Next: Pamela Anderson is now living with her new boyfriend, a 41-year-old electrician and surfer. Pretty much the qualities she'd need in a live-in love, no? Also: Things are "heating up" between Renée Zellweger and MSNBC legal analyst Dan Abrams; they were seen buying wine together. As for the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident, a source claims that the couple is already back together and in seclusion. After her divorce, Pink went to a class called "Demystifying Anger." She says: "Anger is a survival instinct and we're meant to feel it. If expressed in the right way, it's the most healthy feeling you can have." T.I. on Joaquin Phoenix's rap career: "I will not pass judgment until I've actually witnessed his rap ability with my own ears. You've got to keep an open mind." By the by: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson "can't let go." Sam made $3 million from dating Lindsay last year: She gets $5,000 a night DJing by herself and $25,000 if Lindsay shows up. As for LL, she is "extremely dependent" on Sam and "constantly" texts and calls when they are not together. "Lindsay loves the drama. She'll cause fights so that Sam will pay attention to her," a pal says. Lastly: Cameron Diaz is totally gonna marry Paul Sculfor; they're looking at old castles and "stately homes" in Britain to have a fabulous summer wedding.
Grade: D for content, downgraded to F for cover (clean water in a filthy glass)

OK!
"I Will Lose 20 Lbs In 8 Weeks!"
Jessica Simpson has gone up a size in jeans but "Tony couldn't care less," someone says. But she's going on some kind of diet anyway. The pull quote says: "She eats her feelings. It's hard." Moving on! Josh Duhamel and Fergie are ready to adopt… a puppy! Ed Westwick has to tell new girlfriend Jessica Szohr where he's going when he goes out and when he's home, he checks to see if she's called. The mag calls this "whipped"; seems fairly normal, no? In Chris Brown/Rihanna news, a "pal" of Chris's says: "Chris is a great guy. Don't believe everything you read." Lastly: Guess who is getting an engagement ring for her birthday (TODAY!!!)? Jennifer Aniston! She and John Mayer are "slipping away" for a romantic getaway, and John will propose. He recently Twittered that he was at the Diamond Exchange in Tustin, a cut-rate Southern California jewelry store. It was a joke.
Grade: D- (beer with cigarette butts in it)

Life & Style
"Obsessed With Angelina."
A plastic surgeon who does not treat Nadya Suleman says that she appears to have gotten surgical procedures to augment her lips and perfect her nose, making her resemble Angelina Jolie. We noticed! Moving on: The Friday before the Grammys, Chris Brown and Rihanna were fighting and yelling "Fuck you" at each other at Timbaland's pre-Grammy party. The room full of music execs acted like they'd seen it before. But Rihanna and Chris were reportedly seen leaving a hotel together the morning after the incident, before he turned himself in to police. A friend of Chris's says he is freaking out and can't believe he went that far. He also says he's worried he's going to lose all his endorsements. "I know it's messed up, but that's what he said." Moving on: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri will return to New York, because Katie is shooting film here next month. Plus, she might join the Broadway musical Finding Neverland. Next: Angelina and Brad went to Thailand to visit a refugee camp; they are "open to adopting a child" from the camp, according to an insider. This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, we have stars who have "freshened up" for the Oscars — and there are actually men on the page! Brad Pitt got some Botox; Mickey Rourke had a facelift and eyelid surgery. But! the doc has kind words for Kate Winslet: "She appears to have had nothing done and looks fantastic." Lastly, in "Star's Figure Flaws — Fixed," Michelle Trachtenberg has "big" thighs.
Grade: D (flat, day-old off-brand soda)

Star
"The Jen-Brad Tapes"
In a recent interview, Jennifer Aniston admitted, "I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband. It's like saving love letters." Not exactly! Star asks, "Why can't she let go of this diary of lies and deceit?" Apparently Jen stills plays a message in which Brad says, "I can't wait to get my hands on you, Golden." That was his pet name for her! She also listens to messages he left when he was about to leave her, trying to analyze every single nuance and see if there were any hints that he was falling out of love with her that she missed. A friend says she has other stuff from her relationship with Brad, like press clippings, napkins from their first few dates, seashells from walks on the beach. "It's not like it's all tucked away, either. She's spent many lonely nights going through old keepsakes. And she sometimes wears Brad's old t-shirts to sleep in. It's not healthy." Moving on: Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr are going to Jamaica for a weekend getaway. Cynthia Nixon is planning to have a child with her girlfriend of five years, Christine Marinoni. An insider says they'll use Christine's eggs but Cynthia will carry the baby. Intern Margaret wants Steve to be the daddy! Slumdog Millionaire's Dev Patel and Freida Pinto were spotted in L.A. sharing kisses over a shared slice of Oreo cheesecake, awwww! Jennifer Aniston might be feuding with the other castmates from Friends; there was talk of a movie, but Jen wanted double the pay of the other stars, so now the flick isn't happening. Sherri Shepard might get laid off from The View due to the economy (and her unpopularity)! Blind item: "The honeymoon is already over for this newly married duo. When hubby got caught flirting with a delivery girl and dishing out a $100 tip, his misses flipped." Michael Douglas's son Cameron was evicted from his house in L.A. because he wasn't paying rent; the landlord has shared pictures of the left-behind drug paraphernalia! A mirror with powder on it, spoons used to "heat a substance" over the stove and filthy syringes. Finally: The mag printed Rhianna's horoscope: "It's all systems go! Prepare for your career to get the kick start it needs. Love and romance are yours for the taking — prepare to give someone the key to your heart. Your intuition is heightened: Follow it and you can't go wrong." (Fig. 1)
Grade: C- (unsweetened tea gone cold)

Us
"Fear & Abuse."
A Rihanna pal says Chris Brown "pimp-slapped" the singer and "punched her in the face," which prompted an eyewitness to call 911. Rihanna's injuries, which included bite marks on her hand and fingers, were photographed by the police before she was taken to the hospital. A source says that Jay-Z "hit the roof." And: "Chris is a walking dead man. He messed with the wrong crew." Back in December, a friend of Rihanna's saw bruises on Rihanna's neck and asked if she was okay; Rihanna responded, "We broke up again." Apparently, at Timbaland's pre-Grammy party, Chris and Rihanna were fighting because Chris accused Rihanna of "fucking" Timbaland and asked her how he was in bed. After the beating on Saturday night, her people were trying to see if they could cover up the story — and the bruises — and released a story about the couple being in a car accident. Moving on: Us obtained legal documents revealing that the "Octomom", Nadya Suleman, went by multiple aliases, and once tried to change her last name to Solomon — her sperm donor's last name. They point out that her alleged sperm donor's name is David Solomon, which is the Hebrew translation of her father's middle and last names: his name is Ed Doud Suleman. That leaves us wondering if "David Solomon" is itself an alias or IF HER FATHER IS HER SPERM DONOR. Plus! Here's an old picture where she doesn't have Angelina's nose (Fig. 2). Also: Neighbors say the Suleman household was "volatile" and that Nadya and her mother fight a lot with "lots of expletives and abusive language." After one fight, a neighbor saw two little boys running "stark naked out of the house." And another neighbor says, about their old house: "It was like transients: mattresses on the floor." Also inside: A spread of the new cast of America's Next Top Model! (Fig. 3) Lastly: There is an ad for Passages Malibu in this issue. "Don't spend another minute struggling with dependency," the copy scolds.
Grade: C (grape soda)

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One hopes, because there are three young children involved, that they'll keep their cool and blunder on in private. Though discretion is not always Maddy's forte and Guy will have to come to terms with the fact that he's not really famous without his muscly bride. Though juicy details about Madonna's Kaballah-fueled romp in the twenty million dollar hay with Yankees sucker Alex Rodriguez and Ritchie's supposed on-set romance with a young British chippy promise to "entertain" for some time. Plus, there are wonderful unconfirmed tidbits about Madge slapping Guy and calling him a coward for eating chocolate bars, and Guy returning fire by calling her old and wrinkly. Whee!

The tabloid press will, of course, screech and caw and ruffle their feathers, pulling smaller and smaller strands of meat from this marriage's dessicated carcass, but eventually—if Madonna and Guy play it close to their chests—they'll have to find some other moldering corpse of a blessed union to feed off of. Who's due? Um... Ashlee and Pete? Nicole Richie and that man that she married? Elton and David??

Boomp3.com

Living legend Dustin Hoffman stopped off at a Brentwood magazine kiosk looking to pick up his weekly fix of the celebrity gossip rags. However a crowd quickly developed once the I Heart Huckabees star arrived, forcing Hoffman to feign interest in more serious fare like the Economist and The New Yorker. The crowd eventually went away, allowing the Hoffeweizen to scoop his favorite mags. Walking away, Hoffman was overheard to have said, “Oh, I’m so glad to see Zac and Vanessa are so in love together.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Us
"How I Saved My Son." To be honest, we couldn't really get into this cover story. Meaning: refused to read it. Intern Margaret applauds Jenny McCarthy's efforts, but… yeah. Also inside: According to Jason Alexander, the guy that Britney married for 55 hours, he has renewed his friendship with Brit. Britney's rep denies this. There are two pages about Jen Aniston and John Mayer being back on: They spent the weekend together in New York! Plus: Shanna Moakler describes Travis Barker's skin grafts: "That's when they shave the skin off and then staple cadaver and pig skin right on, so the skin underneath can heal." Science! Lastly: American Idol's Nikki McKibbin wed her childhood rollerskating coach. She'll appear on the second season of Celebrity Rehab.
Grade: F- (silt)


OK!
"Young, Rich & In Love!" Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are YR&IL. They vacation together, work out in matching outfits and own million dollar homes. He's 21, she's 19. Yawn. Moving on: Kelly Ripa was at the Madonna concert and totally got to sing along when Madonna handed her the mic during a song! Is The Hills over? An insider says: "No one gets along anymore. Whitney moved to New York, Audrina can't stand to be in the same room as Lauren anymore, and they all want more money." Hey, ever notice how Katie Holmes and Mr. Spock look alike (Fig. 1)? Next, profound words from Eva Mendes: "My secret obsession is love. I love 'love!' I love being in love, and I love having someone be in love with me. Love is the sexiest thing in the world." So, this is probably bullshit, but there's a 2-page story about how even though they broke up 2 years ago, Cameron Diaz is still pining for Matt Dillon. "I'm sure she still thinks about him — a lot." a pal of Cammie's says.
Grade: F (sludge)


Life & Style
"I'm Pregnant!" If you care about The Bachelor's Trista Rehn Sutter, then you'll be interested to know she is knocked up again. Another story we refused to read. Moving on: Angelina bought the same dress in 6 colors (Fig. 2). Jamie Lynn Spears has been "struggling" to shoot down reports that she is pregnant again. "I'm not pregnant," Jamie Lynn says. At her concert, Madonna dedicated a song to "anyone with intimacy issues." Her marriage is "all but dead," says a source. Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes a cross as a gift for appearing on Broadway. The mag points out that it is more like a Catholic cross than a Scientology cross, which has eight points. But, it's actually a square cross, like the Red Cross. Whatevs. Lastly: A picture of Sarah Jessica Parker as a kid. Cute! (Fig.3)
Grade: F+ (sand)


In Touch
"I'm Not Anorexic." Basically this is a six-page series of articles calling out "scary skinny" actresses and explaining why they are so slim. Lindsay Lohan is on a "risky new diet" that involves Redline, an energy drink that promises to burn fat through a shivering response. Like a chihuahua? A doctor says it's pretty close to being an amphetamine. Anne Hathaway has eliminated carbs and sugar and become and "insane" calorie counter. Angelina Jolie is only eating 1,000 calories a day, and there's a chart so you can play along at home! The mag also claims that in those pix where she's wearing that black dress at the premiere of Changeling she's also wearing a "custom made corset." Could it be called "Spanx"? As for Keira Knightley, she is still insisting that she is naturally thin, but that doesn't stop the magazine from drawing arrows that point to her "thin arms" and "skeletal back." A pal says of Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock: "She works out 4 to 5 hours almost every day." Moving on: Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony came up with the idea for their second wedding at 12:30 am after seeing the Las Vegas Pussycat Dolls. The Hills' Justin Bobby speaks! He was overheard telling a pal he never hooked up with Lauren Conrad and it's all for the show. "When a group of blondes tried to ask him about it, he threatened to punch them," says an onlooker. Gossip Girl stars Taylor Momsen and Chace Crawford were spotted making out at two parties in NYC. Even though they go to the same school on Gossip Girl, in real life he is 23 and she is 15! Rose McGowan is going to marry director Robert Rodriguez after all: They'd taken a three-month break, but it's back on. Jessica Lowndes and Adam Gregory from 90210 are dating, if you care. Ooh, exclusive interview with Holly Madison: "There were a lot of people — not just Hef — who wanted me to pretend we were still together for the sake of the show." She also says: "I want to be out of there by Halloween. It is so awkward being there, because he is dating other people." Also! She'd been getting fertility treatments but the clinic told her pregnancy wasn't possible because Hef was too old. Next: An interview with Kelli Dawson, the woman who claims she had relationship with Casey Aldridge (he denied last week it in OK!) says: "I heard that [Jaime Lynn] told Casey she is pregnant." Lastly, a sausage-loving town in Rostov-on-Don, Russia, has an exhibition of masterpieces of art made entirely out of slices of local sausages and meat (Fig. 4).
Grade: C- (cyanide-processed gold ingot)


Star
"Stars Without Makeup." Well, they just did this EXACT SAME STORY in July, but here it is again. Intern Margaret says that in the "without makeup" pictures, they are all wearing makeup. Eyeliner or something. She also says they all look pretty damn good "without" makeup. Also inside: Rihanna was spotted sitting on Kanye West's lap backstage at a T.I. concert in Hollywood. "Before long, the two were full-on kissing each other," says a source. Scandalous! To mark her 55th birthday in January, Oprah is giving herself the gift of $500,000 in plastic surgery. Star actually creates before and after pictures so you don't have to use your imagination (Fig. 5)! Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have renewed their romance with intimate dinners at John's Soho apartment. She checked into a hotel, but it was just for show. A source says: "She actually spent her nights at John's place. They ordered sushi and watched movies and he played the guitar for her. She spent several nights there. And yes, they slept together. Jen says the sex is amazing and that she can't help herself — she's crazy about him!" Who is this source, the sheets? In Maureen McCormick's upcoming book, she discusses her sexual experimentation with Greg Brady, how she fell into coke, and it includes the following info: "A contractor named Harrison Ford made her a special hot tub with a hidden compartment she used to stash cocaine."
Grade: C (gold ore)


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Us
"The Style Issue." The mag conducted a photo shoot and interview with Hilary Duff, Lauren Conrad and Taylor Swift. Five pages of these ladies talking about clothes. Yawn. Lauren says, "I've thrown out stuff after seeing my own photos." And: "I'm always trying to hide my thighs." Intern Margaret deems the cover story "stupid and boring." Next: As previously reported, Kirsten Dunst's teeth look very different on the cover of Bazaar than they do in real life (Fig. 1). Lastly, there's a picture of Shenae Grimes from 90210 carrying food (watermelon, grapes and a styrofoam take-out container) — maybe to counter the previous "too thin" story?
Grade: F (flagellation)


OK!
"Untold Love Story." How, exactly, is Lindsay's story "untold"??? Anyway: The article is all old stuff about her relationship with Sam Ronson, but one new thing we learned: A source says "[Lindsay] recently bought Samantha a Red Bull, kissing her on the forehead and mouthing, 'I love you.'" Also inside: Is Demi Moore expecting? She went to a restaurant with Ashton Kutcher and ordered a non-alcoholic beer. There are baby pictures of Muhammad Ali's grandchild, Curtis Muhammed Conway Jr. Mom is Layla Ali, dad is a retired NFL star.
Grade: F (flogging)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Baby Boom!" So the magazine actually printed this sentence: "First came marriage — and now comes the baby carriage for Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon." A random source who saw Mariah at the airport says, "Mariah looked great, but she seemed to have put on a few pounds. Maybe she's pregnant — or at least planning on it!" Next up: Seven pictures of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel on vacation Italy, including one seriously creepy nighttime picture where the paparazzo was clearly stalking them during an intimate moment. A story called "Wild Hot Nights With Michael Phelps" insinuates that he's dating Doree Walker, a 34-year-old former Miss Alabama, or Amber Peterson, of Sunset Tan (as seen on E!). Or Stephanie Rice, or Amanda Beard. Lastly: Drew Barrymore made out with Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick, but she's not exclusive with anyone. An insider says "She just wants a man and grabbed the young, hot one." Another source says: "She has a new tongue piercing and wanted to try it out."
Grade: D (cutting)


In Touch
"Jen's Had Lipo!" The headline of this story asks "Why Would Skinny Jen Have Lipo?" Intern Margaret says, "Maybe because you keep printing pictures of her in a bikini?" Basically a source says Jen had LipoDissolve on her butt and thighs, a procedure Britney Spears also reportedly had. It's an injection that removes unwanted fat, and because it's non-invasive, there's little recovery time. It's made from organic human compound, which sounds gross. Oh, and remember Jen's old nose? (Fig. 2) Also inside: More pictures of Jessica and Justin in Italy. Megan Fox may have spent $26,500 on her appearance: Nose job, lip injections and breast implants. Next: Angelina, Brad and the brood have moved to a 30,000 square foot mansion in Palais Schlosspark outside of Berlin with a private helicopter pad, which allows Brad to shuttle back and forth to the nearby set of Inglorious Bastards. Wolfgang Puck's restaurant CUT is decorated with celebrity portraits, and Heidi and Spencer now have their photographs hanging on the wall. Even though Tom Cruise loves to eat there, his picture isn't up. Meanwhile these dead-eyed portraits of Speidi will make anyone lose their appetite (Fig. 3). Jamie Lynn Spears is alone and Casey is sleeping on a friend's couch. Lastly: Lance Bass says, "It's scary for someone to come out because they know it will hurt their career — even now." In a sidebar called "Stars Go Public For Different Reasons," Lindsay and Sam join Clay Aiken, Ellen and Portia, Neal Patrick Harris and T.R. Knight in a gallery of gays.
Grade: C (spanking)


Star
"Angie Forced Into Therapy!" How does Angelina have the time to nurse newborn twins, take care of the other kids and move to Berlin and talk to a therapist? The mag says: "Angie started seeing the doctor daily for short power sessions, and has continued to get help via phone and web cam." Ah. The mag also says Brad "put her in therapy." Angelina thinks she's fat and barely touches her food. She's reluctant to be seen in public because although she's lost some baby weight she still hates her stomach. And she won't have sex with Brad because she doesn't want him to see her naked. Moving on: Someone yelled out "Prince" upon seeing Rihanna in London. Blind item: "What sexy actress has been anything but angelic on the set of her new TV show? Her costars are fuming after the dirty diva demanded more screen time and a bigger trailer." Chris Klein is losing his hair. Jennifer Aniston is in Mexico to hatch a plot to revive her lovelife, and her plan involves Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo had an Emmy party at his house and Jen was there; she brought beer and did an impersonation of George Clooney. A source says, "It was obvious she was in full-on cougar mode!" Next: Britney and Kevin hooked up several times at the Mondrian Hotel. Taylor Momsen, Katrina Bowden and Lindsay Lohan are "wasting away" (Fig 4). Mad Men's Jon Hamm had a troubled childhood; he was 2 years old when his parents got divorced. He lived with his mom, but she died when he was 10. Then he moved in with his dad and had problems with that. He says, "I spent most of my time sponging food from my friend's families and sleeping in their basements." He lives with his girlfriend, whom he's been dating for 10 years, but says: "I don't necessarily want kids. I don't know if it's for me. I think when people come from a stable family, having children becomes a celebration — and I'm not sure it would be that way for me." Also: Mary-Kate and Ashley both have boyfriends and the dudes hate each other. Lastly: There's a story called "Girls Gone Mild: Booze, Drugs, Sex Tapes — What Ever Happened To Those Good Ol' Days? These Hollywood Starlets Have Replaced Debauchery & Mayhem With Daycare & Monogamy!" and it features Nicole Richie, Christina Aguilera, Ashlee Simpson and more.
Grade: C+ (sitting in the corner with a dunce cap)


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Jossip has the goods on the ex-Us staffer, Jill Ishkanian, who had left the magazine (which she then sued) to start a paparazzi agency called Sunset Photo & News (where she was embezzled from).

So how did the industry veteran just happen to be driving near the actress one night this week?

Because, according to one conspiracy theory, Ishkanian was purposefully following her with an agenda in mind.

You'll recall that back when Ishkanian (pictured) was running Sunset Photo, a certain lady named Denise Richards just happened to appear in a number of the agency's shots that were then sold to the tabloids. A on-looker might surmise that Sunset Photo and Richards has a special relationship going on, which benefited them both: Sunset got to profit from photo sales, and Richards got to dictate how she came across in the press (read: good). That was especially important, because the entertainment press was inexplicably obsessed with Richard's then-beau, Richie Sambora, who is Locklear's ex-husband and father to her daughter — and plenty of outlets were interested in painting Richards as the villain in the feud between she and Locklear. [Ed: This story was soooo boring, we didn't even pay attention a the time.]

All this might have led some, like TMZ, to conclude Ishkanian (a Richards ally) tailed Locklear, phoned in a false report of erratic driving to get her arrested, which meant she would have the first pictures of the incident, and another favor paid to Richards, who's still keen on seeing Locklear fall.

We asked Ishkanian to comment on the matter, and she told us "I'm not getting into a pissing match with [TMZ head] Harvey Levin who has all his facts wrong" and instructed us to check with the police investigating the matter, or her attorney. "I'm willing to go through yet another controversy if it means that I saved the life of Heather Locklear, or some other person down the road that may have been affected by her condition behind the wheel. A condition that was not determined by myself, but by 3 CHP officers. The toxicology reports should be very telling indeed."

It appears that the long-awaited Melrose Place revival is now playing out in real life! Was Locklear drugged by Richards? Will Ishkanian rip off her wig and plot to blow up Malibu Colony? Will Lisa Rinna join the saga just as it starts to feel played out? Developing!

• Heather 911 Caller Up to No Good [TMZ]
• The Curious Case of Heather Locklear's Paparazzi-Ready DUI Arrest [Jossip]

Life & Style
"Forced To Live A Lie." The cover story is mainly rehashed stuff about Britney's past — her lip syncing, her boob job, etc. Then there's a story about Britney's kids' birthday party: Lynn and Jamie Lynn attended, and it was the first time that Sean and Jayden met little Maddie. Jenny McCarthy's son and Gwen Stefani's son were also guests at the party. Britney looks totally normal in jeans and a sweatshirt. Next: Lindsay's wearing a "massive" heart-shaped diamond ring on her engagement finger. Her rep denies that she's engaged; sources say she bought the ring herself at an antique store in NYC. Also inside: Jennifer Lopez is "Superwoman" because she did a triathlon in Malibu and threw a surprise party for Marc Anthony in NYC on the same day. Funny how she recovered from the "foot injury" that kept her from judging Project Runway! Lastly: Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli's on-again, off-again relationship is off.
Grade: F (broken toilet)

Ok!
"Miley's New Man." Miley Cyrus has been hanging out with a cute 20-year-old underwear model by the name of Justin Gaston — he's a also an aspiring country singer who was once on Nashville Star. Miley's dad Billy Ray introduced Justin to Miley and they've gone to church together a couple of times. His MySpace page says, "I love Jesus." Here's a picture of Justin in his underwear (Fig. 1). Also inside: Ben Affleck and the Geico Caveman are surprise look-alikes. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (broken Bakelite bangle)






In Touch
"The Richest & Poorest Stars." Intern Margaret suffered through eight pages of "completely random factoids about celebrities and money." It's all been previously reported, but the among the "poorest" seems to be Rihanna: There are rumors that she only has $20,000 in the bank. Ruben Studdard owes $200,000 in State and Federal taxes. Among the richest: Simon Cowell, who owns a $14 million house in London and a $20 million mansion in L.A. Next: Jessica Simpson says her "abuse" song is not about John Mayer. "I don't talk about my relationship with John Mayer anymore, because it's disrespectful to the man I'm in love with, and it's just… done." Plus! On Newlyweds, the parts where Nick and Jessica were fighting were edited out, because Jess's dad was a producer on the show. Also inside: Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester and Blake Lively don't speak to each other unless they have to. Pam Anderson and Mickey Rourke made out at a nightclub in Toronto. Ashley Olsen has asked Mary-Kate Olsen not to be involved with their higher-end fashion line, The Row, because MK parties all the time and doesn't take the business seriously. Is Lindsay Lohan cutting herself? There are inconclusive pictures of her taken after the MTV VMAs with what could be cutting scars, but also they sorta look like they could be old (Fig 3). While Jennifer Aniston was in Toronto for the film festival, she flirted with Gerard Butler at a party.
Grade: D- (warped vintage 78s)

Star
"Nicole Moves Out!" Apparently, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have been fighting and she keeps "storming off." Except the first time Nicole "stormed off" she went to her mom's house and came back the next day; the second time, she "stormed off" to Fashion Week and Joel joined her the next day. Then he walked out on her… by heading back to L.A. For the MTV VMA party. Where he was spotted flirting with Mischa Barton. It doesn't seem like Nicole actually moved out. Blind item! "What young diva was singing 'S.O.S' at the register when her credit card was declined? She said she'd come back to pick up the Gucci shoes another time, but she never did." Portia de Rossi plans to change her name to Portia DeGeneres! She and Ellen purchased stationery engraved with "Mrs. & Mrs. DeGeneres" from Tiffany and used it to write thank-you notes to their wedding guests. Jessica Simpson had a bad performance on Good Morning America because she stayed out late at a Marc Jacobs Fashion Week party the night before and got sloshed. Also: The back of her skirt blew up while she was singing on TV and she wasn't wearing undies. "The Brangie Bunch's Pigpen Castle!" story is about how the chateau is a mess: Maddox and Pax have set up an erector set in the front foyer, and the boys have toothpaste wars with Zahara and Shiloh. Maddox leaves blue hair dye all over the house. Angie lets them color all over the walls. When they go dirt biking, Brad doesn't make them wipe their feet when they come inside. There's more on Miley Cyrus's dude in here, with another underwear pic. Five-foot seven-inch Keira Knightley weighs only 99 lbs. She went to several parties where she didn't eat anything, only drank, and at one, she asked for a glass of water and when she stood up to drink it, she collapsed. Also thin: Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock (Fig. 4). Lastly: "Bristol Palin Stole My Guy" is about Levi Johnston's ex girlfriend, Lanesia Garcia, who used to be BFF with Bristol. Bristol urged Lanesia to break up with Levi, and as soon as she did, Bristol started dating Levi. Lanesia and Levi started dating at 12 and lost their virginity to each other at 15 and used protection. Just so you know.
Grade: C (stained Saarinen chair)

Us
"Too Thin For TV." The new stars of the new 90210, Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup, are pretty damn skinny. According to the mag, Jessica is 5'8" and 100lbs; Shenae is 5'3" and 90lbs. But! Both ladies weighed more (118 and 120, respectively) before they started the show. What is going on? A show source says, "I've never seen Jessica or Shenae eat." Another source says," They both smoke like chimneys." The pictures are disturbing (Fig. 5). Next: A French journalist asked Eva Longoria if she was pregnant and she said, "No, I'm just fat." Bristol Palin's future kid will "be in good company," the mag claims, because these people were also born to teen moms: Selena Gomez, Jack Nicholson, Debi Mazar and Barack Obama. Maddox Jolie-Pitt is being tutored at home in his French chateau. Homeschool! Lauren Conrad and Project Runway winner Christian Siriano are designing gowns for the "Emmy girls" who present statues during the awards show.
Grade: C+ (Steelcase tanker desk)

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Star
"Little Princesses." Intern Margaret says, "The story is summed up on the cover." It's six pages comparing growing up Shiloh Jolie-Pitt to growing up Suri Cuise. (Shiloh: Hand-me-downs, cookie monster, twin dollies, free spirit. Suri: $$$ Designer duds, still a bottle baby, security blanket, calls the shots.) After reading about who likes Nutella and Meerkat Manor, here's what you glean: Shiloh's the down-to-earth kid whose mom cuts her hair and who runs around the backyard getting dirty, while Suri gets salon cuts, throws a fit if her blanket is left behind and has a closet full of expensive dresses. Suri picks out her clothes herself, except when the nanny helps. Moving on: Christina Applegate has been dating Martyn Lenoble for several months and she wants to have his baby. So even though she has breast cancer, she doesn't want to have chemo or radiation until she gives birth. Some doctor who doesn't treat her says pregnancy can help some early-stage breast cancer. Next: While in Los Cabos, Mexico, John Mayer disappeared for a 25 minute walk with a young lady and came back smoking a cigar. There are hot tub pix. The mag says: "The notorious ladies man may have sparked the stogie to celebrate a flash of freedom far from his 39-year-old girlfriend and her baby dreams." Egads. Are Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds planning to get hitched this winter after ScarJo's birthday? The mag says will it be a traditional Jewish ceremony in NYC. Madonna is mad at Britney because the pictures of Brit's "surprise" video for the Sticky & Sweet tour got leaked online and Madge thinks Brit's camp is to blame. Blind item! "Which hot TV actor was lying when he said he wasn't dating a certain reality star? Source say she recently visited him on set, where they spent 2 hours flirting with each other." Guesses? Lastly: Reese lost 20 lbs. "for Jake."
Grade: F (anal fistula)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Cutest Kids." An 11-page "special" with lots of pictures of celebrity babies. Suri Cruise gets a 2-page spread about going to The Little Mermaid on Broadway and going bowling in New York. All of the kids get tags; for instance: Maddox is "the daredevil," Zahara is "the globe-trotter," Apple is "The Clotheshorse." Valentina Pinault, Salma Hayek's kid, is "The Accessorizer." She is 11 months old. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan thinks of the Ronsons as "the family she never had" because they are close to each other and not fucked up. She also changed her Facebook religion status to "I'm converting" so now there's speculation that she will become Jewish! Slow news summer. Next: Angelina's on a "race to get ready" for Brad Pitt's movie premiere August 27th. The movie is Burn After Reading and the mag claims Angie "wants to look like a trophy wife" on the red carpet so she's trying to lose 20 lbs. Insane on so many levels! There are newborn twins at home in addition to like a posse of other kids. Are we really supposed to believe she is worrying about her red carpet weight? Fuck.
Grade: F, but B if you LOVE baby pix. (self-correcting rectal prolapse)


Us Weekly
"18 Lbs In 10 Weeks!" Jennifer Love Hewitt exclusive! There's a different picture from a different angle inside the magazine and her body looks different. Not as whittled down. In the six-page story, the mag talks to her trainer and discovers — shocker — that Love Hewitt has been working out more and eating less. If you're interested in her exact diet and workout plan, it's there, in all of its boring detail. (No carbs after 3pm.) Next: Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer headed for a breakup? (Did it already happen?) There are pictures of him in a hot tub with some chicks, looking smug and smoking a cigar. Us also calls out Star and OK!'s "fake news" for running Jen/John baby and marriage stories last week. Also inside: In a 4-page story interview with Lauren and Lo about The Hills, the reporter compliments LC's runny mascara in the season 4 trailer. Lauren responds by naming the mascara and eyeliner she was wearing that day, which happen to be Avon, the company she reps. Ooh! A picture of the transgendered contestant on the upcoming cycle of America's Next Top Model! Her name is Isis (Fig. 1). Lastly, Ali Lohan has, um, filled out. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (anal abscess)


OK!
"Britney Tells All ABout Her Boys And Her New Life." Brit's "first interview in 2 years" is 8 pages long, with new pictures of Jayden and whatshisface wearing white tuxedoes in the backyard. Britney is wearing a white dress but it's like, a bikini cover-up that you can see through and the top is split from sternum to belly. The story is filled with the humdrum details of Brit's daily life: She reads the boys Berenstein Bears books. There's kiddie artwork on the fridge. She makes them pancakes. Intern Margaret says, "It's chock full of details, but they're details you don't care about. She seems healthy." Brit says she has a good relationship with her mom now and and appreciates her more. It ends on a hopeful though frightening note: Britney is writing a lot of songs for her new album. Next: The first line of the "Suri & The City" story reads, "Move over Carrie Bradshaw, there's a new trendsetter in town!" More on ScarJo's wedding: Even though Scarlett has said she has no immediate plans to get married, she was spotted reading InStyle Weddings & Brides, and an spy says "You could tell that she had earmarked pages." Plus! She totally wore white to a movie premiere! Lastly: "Is Lindsay A Faux-Mosexual?" She was seen flirting with guys. She's also "the aggressive one" in her relationship with Sam.
Grade: C- (anal fissure)


In Touch
"Jamie Lynn Betrayed." The mag tracked down Kelli Dawson, 28, who claims she had a relationship with 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn's fiancé and baby daddy. Kelli, 28, yes, 28 years old, is photographed in virginal white wearing a wooden cross around her neck. She says: "I still love him and I think he loves me." They were still sleeping together when JLS was six months pregnant with Casey's baby. Kelli says, "I see him all the time, at least once a week." They live in the same town. "I think that he's trapped," Kelli sighs. She also says: "When I see Jamie Lynn doing interviews and talking about how happy she is with Casey, it seems so fake. She is trying to paint a pretty picture, but it's messy art." Truth! Moving on: The "Jen And John Take A Break" story has more hot tub pix. Page 6 of this issue has a poll question, "Are you surprised that Britney hasn't had sex in 7 months?" (Fig. 3) It makes little sense until you get to page 56, where you find a story called "Seven Months Without Sex!" So basically, Britney's been working out instead of getting laid. Also she's been living with her dad. Dr. Drew says: "With bipolar, you become hypersexual. Before Britney began treatment, sleeping around with different men could have been the result of the manic state she was in." Britney joked to a friend: "How do you make out with a guy while your dad watches?" Next: Nicole and Joel have hit a rough patch. She's living in his house in Glendale and feels likes she's stuck in the suburbs. She wants to move back to Hollywood! Also, is her baby daddy helping enough? While on tour, Joel said: "It's hard to be on the road, but I have a great girl and she takes care of everything." Lastly: Guy Ritchie gave Madonna a $100,00 Rolex Masterpiece in tricolor 18K gold, surrounded by 42 brilliant baguette cut diamonds, the "ultimate timepiece."
Grade: C (hemorrhoids)


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Hard-nosed investigative analysis after the jump:

First of all, let's eliminate a few. Out of Us Weekly's list of twelve star virgins, at least two are famously deflowered: the indefatigable Britney Spears and the formerly married Jessica Simpson. And though we can't be sure Gary Coleman has finally done the deed, we'd like to believe his wedding (and Al Roker's prodding) may have helped hasten things along.

That leaves us with nine star virgins, and three of those are the Jonas Brothers. Take them out of the equation, and you're left with six separate celebrities, all of whom (it may not surprise you to learn) are young and female. Yes, while we can't imagine that a reporter would ever ask, say, Phil of the Future if he'd given it up yet, apparently the world would fall off its axis if even one famous teen girl neglected to reveal the state of her hymen. Let's hear it for sexual stereotypes and pernicious double standards!

• Star Virgins [Us Magazine]

According to one editor of a celebrity weekly, it's the "last trip to the buffet table," as Britney Spears' gurney-bound trip to the hospital signaled the end of dish. If that seems a bit ominous, it may be because there is a discernible lull in glossy-packaged brain candy. "There's nothing going on in celebrity land. There's no news, no gossip, no scandal," whined a TV producer to Liz Smith a few months back. "The Oscars showed how dull things are. People are only interested in politics." It's true. Reliable pop tarts no longer yield Google results like they once did (at left, Paris Hilton's trend chart, which shows a baseline traffic drop of about two-thirds). Here are a handful of theories about what's happened:

1. Politics trumps all. Hillary dodges phantom sniper fire, Obama defends/tolerates/repudiates his reverend, Bill fields a panicked 3 a.m. phone call from Gina Gershon, and McCain's inner beast is the only thing that can stop the Army's latest bioforce experiment gone haywire. Nicole Richie would have to actually get fat before she could stand to compete with Ashley Dupre.

2. Media boundaries are getting blurred. The Atlantic Monthly ran Britney on its cover in the same news cycle that had Us Weekly interview Obama and Camille Paglia. Then the New York Times paid almost as much attention to Heath Ledger's demise as, well, Gawker did. Things are not as they should be and we are all scared and confused.

3. Burn-out. What can Paris possibly do next except mutate into Lynne Cheney? And who cares?

4. Bad narrative. Here's Salon's Rebecca Traister: "Every once in a while a slam-bam terrific plot development — Pitt's abandonment of Aniston for Jolie was probably the apotheosis of celeb-weekly euphoria — would shake up the whole tableau, allowing the character descriptions to become fluid: stud could transform into cuckold; nice girl into tramp; a blood-obsessed, tattooed husband-stealer could even become a mother earth figure." So not only do their scripts lack cohesion, their lives do, too.

5. Gossip mongers are too old/out of the loop. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sound like they'd get up to no good in an Evelyn Waugh novel. In fact, they're engaged, and she's on The Hills. Go figure.

All reasonable explanations for the current wasteland, but none really indicative of a Jann Wenner-led Rapture. The election will be over soon. Just because tabloids are being replaced by papers of record doesn't mean people aren't paying attention to the same content—it's just getting harder to track how they do it. And slam-bam terrific plot developments can't go extinct: there's always royalty to depend on for a good debauch with national consequences, and innocence will continue to be lost so long as its existence continues to be heralded.

Number 5 seems the likeliest bet. The next generation of sex tape stars and unwitting genitalia models is still in transition from the Disney Channel. But if Miley Cyrus is anything to go by, they (and the people who exploit them for a living) have a bright future yet. But can someone please get poor Spencer Pratt a Wikipedia entry?