Star went retro with a Jen/Brad story; OK! beat the horse carcass that is the Jessica Simpson "weight battle." Life & Style seized upon the "Octomom". But kudos to In Touch, for taking a risk and putting Tara Reid on the cover. Guess who wants to buy a magazine with Tara Reid on it? No one. Intern Margaret assists as we attempt to drink delicious, bubbly, celebrity gossip.

In Touch
"Rehab Saved My Life." Intern Margaret wants to know if money exchanged hands between the magazine and Tara Reid, or Promises Malibu — otherwise, why in the name of Bombay Sapphire is there an "exclusive" cover story about Tara Reid? Her revelations include things like: "I wasn't drinking any more than my friends, so I didn't get it. I'd think, why am I an alcoholic and she isn't? The truth is, some people can drink and some can't." Moving on: Jet-setting is "taking a toll" on Angie and Brad's brood! They've been to eight countries in eight weeks — from the U.S. to Germany, France, Japan, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and the U.K. An eyewitness in the Japanese airport said, "The kids looked miserable and frightened." Three of them had coughs and runny noses. Plus, the children's education has been "patchy at best." Ever wonder why John Mayer can't commit? It's because a girl named Allison broke his heart when he was 16. A friend says, "They were madly in love, but something went wrong." John vowed never to get his heart stomped on again! Tom Cruise finally looks like the "man of Katie's dreams" because he toned up. An eyewitness from a beach in Brazil says: "He's totally ripped." Next: Pamela Anderson is now living with her new boyfriend, a 41-year-old electrician and surfer. Pretty much the qualities she'd need in a live-in love, no? Also: Things are "heating up" between Renée Zellweger and MSNBC legal analyst Dan Abrams; they were seen buying wine together. As for the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident, a source claims that the couple is already back together and in seclusion. After her divorce, Pink went to a class called "Demystifying Anger." She says: "Anger is a survival instinct and we're meant to feel it. If expressed in the right way, it's the most healthy feeling you can have." T.I. on Joaquin Phoenix's rap career: "I will not pass judgment until I've actually witnessed his rap ability with my own ears. You've got to keep an open mind." By the by: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson "can't let go." Sam made $3 million from dating Lindsay last year: She gets $5,000 a night DJing by herself and $25,000 if Lindsay shows up. As for LL, she is "extremely dependent" on Sam and "constantly" texts and calls when they are not together. "Lindsay loves the drama. She'll cause fights so that Sam will pay attention to her," a pal says. Lastly: Cameron Diaz is totally gonna marry Paul Sculfor; they're looking at old castles and "stately homes" in Britain to have a fabulous summer wedding.
Grade: D for content, downgraded to F for cover (clean water in a filthy glass)

OK!
"I Will Lose 20 Lbs In 8 Weeks!"
Jessica Simpson has gone up a size in jeans but "Tony couldn't care less," someone says. But she's going on some kind of diet anyway. The pull quote says: "She eats her feelings. It's hard." Moving on! Josh Duhamel and Fergie are ready to adopt… a puppy! Ed Westwick has to tell new girlfriend Jessica Szohr where he's going when he goes out and when he's home, he checks to see if she's called. The mag calls this "whipped"; seems fairly normal, no? In Chris Brown/Rihanna news, a "pal" of Chris's says: "Chris is a great guy. Don't believe everything you read." Lastly: Guess who is getting an engagement ring for her birthday (TODAY!!!)? Jennifer Aniston! She and John Mayer are "slipping away" for a romantic getaway, and John will propose. He recently Twittered that he was at the Diamond Exchange in Tustin, a cut-rate Southern California jewelry store. It was a joke.
Grade: D- (beer with cigarette butts in it)

Life & Style
"Obsessed With Angelina."
A plastic surgeon who does not treat Nadya Suleman says that she appears to have gotten surgical procedures to augment her lips and perfect her nose, making her resemble Angelina Jolie. We noticed! Moving on: The Friday before the Grammys, Chris Brown and Rihanna were fighting and yelling "Fuck you" at each other at Timbaland's pre-Grammy party. The room full of music execs acted like they'd seen it before. But Rihanna and Chris were reportedly seen leaving a hotel together the morning after the incident, before he turned himself in to police. A friend of Chris's says he is freaking out and can't believe he went that far. He also says he's worried he's going to lose all his endorsements. "I know it's messed up, but that's what he said." Moving on: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri will return to New York, because Katie is shooting film here next month. Plus, she might join the Broadway musical Finding Neverland. Next: Angelina and Brad went to Thailand to visit a refugee camp; they are "open to adopting a child" from the camp, according to an insider. This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, we have stars who have "freshened up" for the Oscars — and there are actually men on the page! Brad Pitt got some Botox; Mickey Rourke had a facelift and eyelid surgery. But! the doc has kind words for Kate Winslet: "She appears to have had nothing done and looks fantastic." Lastly, in "Star's Figure Flaws — Fixed," Michelle Trachtenberg has "big" thighs.
Grade: D (flat, day-old off-brand soda)

Star
"The Jen-Brad Tapes"
In a recent interview, Jennifer Aniston admitted, "I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband. It's like saving love letters." Not exactly! Star asks, "Why can't she let go of this diary of lies and deceit?" Apparently Jen stills plays a message in which Brad says, "I can't wait to get my hands on you, Golden." That was his pet name for her! She also listens to messages he left when he was about to leave her, trying to analyze every single nuance and see if there were any hints that he was falling out of love with her that she missed. A friend says she has other stuff from her relationship with Brad, like press clippings, napkins from their first few dates, seashells from walks on the beach. "It's not like it's all tucked away, either. She's spent many lonely nights going through old keepsakes. And she sometimes wears Brad's old t-shirts to sleep in. It's not healthy." Moving on: Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr are going to Jamaica for a weekend getaway. Cynthia Nixon is planning to have a child with her girlfriend of five years, Christine Marinoni. An insider says they'll use Christine's eggs but Cynthia will carry the baby. Intern Margaret wants Steve to be the daddy! Slumdog Millionaire's Dev Patel and Freida Pinto were spotted in L.A. sharing kisses over a shared slice of Oreo cheesecake, awwww! Jennifer Aniston might be feuding with the other castmates from Friends; there was talk of a movie, but Jen wanted double the pay of the other stars, so now the flick isn't happening. Sherri Shepard might get laid off from The View due to the economy (and her unpopularity)! Blind item: "The honeymoon is already over for this newly married duo. When hubby got caught flirting with a delivery girl and dishing out a $100 tip, his misses flipped." Michael Douglas's son Cameron was evicted from his house in L.A. because he wasn't paying rent; the landlord has shared pictures of the left-behind drug paraphernalia! A mirror with powder on it, spoons used to "heat a substance" over the stove and filthy syringes. Finally: The mag printed Rhianna's horoscope: "It's all systems go! Prepare for your career to get the kick start it needs. Love and romance are yours for the taking — prepare to give someone the key to your heart. Your intuition is heightened: Follow it and you can't go wrong." (Fig. 1)
Grade: C- (unsweetened tea gone cold)

Us
"Fear & Abuse."
A Rihanna pal says Chris Brown "pimp-slapped" the singer and "punched her in the face," which prompted an eyewitness to call 911. Rihanna's injuries, which included bite marks on her hand and fingers, were photographed by the police before she was taken to the hospital. A source says that Jay-Z "hit the roof." And: "Chris is a walking dead man. He messed with the wrong crew." Back in December, a friend of Rihanna's saw bruises on Rihanna's neck and asked if she was okay; Rihanna responded, "We broke up again." Apparently, at Timbaland's pre-Grammy party, Chris and Rihanna were fighting because Chris accused Rihanna of "fucking" Timbaland and asked her how he was in bed. After the beating on Saturday night, her people were trying to see if they could cover up the story — and the bruises — and released a story about the couple being in a car accident. Moving on: Us obtained legal documents revealing that the "Octomom", Nadya Suleman, went by multiple aliases, and once tried to change her last name to Solomon — her sperm donor's last name. They point out that her alleged sperm donor's name is David Solomon, which is the Hebrew translation of her father's middle and last names: his name is Ed Doud Suleman. That leaves us wondering if "David Solomon" is itself an alias or IF HER FATHER IS HER SPERM DONOR. Plus! Here's an old picture where she doesn't have Angelina's nose (Fig. 2). Also: Neighbors say the Suleman household was "volatile" and that Nadya and her mother fight a lot with "lots of expletives and abusive language." After one fight, a neighbor saw two little boys running "stark naked out of the house." And another neighbor says, about their old house: "It was like transients: mattresses on the floor." Also inside: A spread of the new cast of America's Next Top Model! (Fig. 3) Lastly: There is an ad for Passages Malibu in this issue. "Don't spend another minute struggling with dependency," the copy scolds.
Grade: C (grape soda)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Us
"A-List Nip/Tuck" This is the story that Scarlett Johansson is pissed about: The mag says her nose was "more bulbous" as a teen; Scar Jo's rep says "she has never had a nose job — ever." Also on the list: Janet Jackson (duh), Teri Hatcher (Botox, maybe eyelid surgery), Marie Osmond (nose job, face lift), Fergie (nose job), Cameron Diaz (nose job), Angelina Jolie (nose job), Meg Ryan (maybe eyelids, maybe cheek implants), Halle Berry (nose job), Lisa Rinna (nose job), Jennifer Aniston (nose job) and Paula Abdul (nose job), as well as the gang of trout-pout ladies, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Keira Knightley, Lindsay Lohan. The Britney Spears story is all about supercreep Sam Lutfi, who "orchestrates everything" for Brit, has a restraining order against him from a former "business acquaintance," has fake producer credits on IMBD.com, and whom actual producers describe as "a hustler type." But Britney is "so desperate for a friend" that she trusts him, a source says. And just after she blew out the candles of her chocolate birthday cake on Saturday night, she went to the bathroom and cried her eyes out. Also inside: Jennifer Love Hewitt is pysched to be engaged! "I've read the bridal magazines every single month since I was 14." Try not to vomit. John Mayer and Cammie Diaz had a date last week at Gold Bar in NYC where they kissed and danced to Jay-Z. Lindsay Lohan broke up with Riley Giles because "she gets bored," a friend explains. Tom Cruise took "Kate" and Suri on a trip to the alps, where they rode a snowmobile and ate risotto; they're thinking of buying a chalet. Spencer Pratt's sister Stephanie tells the mag that she started doing drugs at 15 and was so high in history class she asked a girl to feel her heart, since it was beating so fast she thought she was going to die.
Grade: C+ (clay)

Life & Style
"Where's Shiloh?" Apparently shots rang out near the Los Feliz home of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, the security guy's van was hit by a bullet! "I'm doing fine but I don't want to talk about this," he says. Apparently Angelina, Brad and the brood have security issues. Angie considers leaving the house a danger. Please note that heir head of security makes $5,000 a day — and the new guy makes $3,000 a day. Still, no one answers the question "where's Shiloh?" Since she "hasn't been photographed" since October, we're forced to assume she has ceased to exist. Also inside: "Britney's Pregancy Drama!" Brit's not acting pregnant, since she's been seen drinking and smoking. Also, there are reports that the babydaddy is not J.R. Rotem but a "dancer named Chuck." Jessica Simpson went dancing with Tony Romo and she "grabbed Tony's butt and started spanking it to the rhythm of the music." Brendan Fraser's new toupee looks great, "if it's 1993," says Intern Sharon; Britney is banned from L.A. club Winston's for swapping clothes with the employees one too many times; Paris Hilton and Swedish boy Alex Vaggo went on four dates in six nights; Lindsay Lohan's been going out lately but her dad Michael tells the mag, "She knows she can't have friends who drink." "Body Blunders" is one of those bile-inducing stories in which the mag prints pics of Cindy Crawford's stomach and says it is "sagging." Homegirl had two kids! L&S also says Tara Reid is too skinny, Uma Thurman's eyes are uneven and Kate Moss is now "thick."
Grade: C (topsoil)

OK!
"Finally True Love" The cover goes to Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, whom absolutely no one cares about. And yet! Six pages of text and photos — including a prom-esque shot of the couple in front of a Christmas tree. Feel free to hurl! Also inside: Miley Cyrus' dad Billy Ray will hide in the kitchen with the German shepherd when she has boys over; the mag describes Britney's extensions as "buttery blonde," which is an insult to butter. Also, today is the day Britney is supposedly going for $81,000 worth of cosmetic procedures: hips, thighs, change of implants, tummy tuck and nose work. This means she'll be on pain meds! And she might not be able to interact with the kids while she's recovering. Maddox Jolie-Pitt wrote a letter to Santa, asking for toys for his siblings, but not for himself, because he "has everything he could ever ask for," says a source. Awwwww.
Grade: D- (rock)

In Touch
"Britney's Pregnancy: The Proof!" The mag prints pictures of the alleged text messages from J.R. Rotem confirming Brit's pregnancy. Apparently J.R. has a girlfriend, and Brit was mad he wouldn't break up with her. The mag claims the she threatened to get rid of the baby and in the end he told her to "stay away" from him. Also inside: The Spice Girls are at war! During rehearsals, they have to stop singing so Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell can take a break and meditate. Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham is being a diva by showing up late. Posh was overheard saying "Geri is lucky we let her back in." Although Angelina wants her children to know their heritage and culture, they won't be visiting their biological families. Lindsay Lohan wanted to get Stavros Niarchos back after she heard he was with Mary-Kate Olsen? Devious! Lauren Conrad's friends confronted her about how thin she was by buying her a plate of pasta. Subtle! Nicole Richie's (unnamed) birth mother was at her baby shower — creating an awkward moment when Nic gave a speech about how she wants to be a good mom.
Grade: D- (sand)

Star
"Showdown! Jen's Christmas With The Pitts" Jen Aniston is good friends with Jane Pitt and she was invited to Christmas in Springfield, MO. Apparently Angie is pissed! Also inside: Audrina has been bad mouthing Lauren Conrad. She says LC is "crazy, insecure, jealous, totally fake," according to an insider. Joel Madden will get his baby's name tattooed over his heart, and the baby's name will either be: Ryan, Lennon, Casey, or Dylan. Which one of those is not a dead rock star? Katie Holmes is still in contact with Chris Klein, and she'd never let Tom tell her not to be, says a source. Possibly because Chris is Suri's real daddy? Just asking! No one's favorite couple, Nick and Vanessa, are getting married in Las Vegas. "It's definitely going to be wild, but it won't be trashy," says a friend. Apparently there will not be cameras, thank Zeus. Hulk Hogan's marriage is a sham: It had been over for at least 12 months. The "peroxide pair" were both big on alcohol, but Linda's the one who mixes booze with pills. She often put vodka in her milk or orange juice as early as 10 a.m. Also, Linda is mean to daughter Brooke, once telling her to "grow a brain," prompting Hulk to come to Brooke's defense (which made Linda call Hulk a "wuss.") "Lindsay Begs For Drugs" is a story which claims that as soon as Lohan landed in NYC, she called up her friends looking for Xanax and blow. Her friends said no, boo, but then she met up with a dealer named Chris. The next day she and Riley went to a party on Long Island where she "reeked of booze" and was "wasted" on vodka. Peeps at the party say "she looked high as hell." Riley apparently met some girl at the party, took her outside and had sex with her. Then Riley and LL had a screeching fight that silenced the party. Also? Sources tell the mag that back in October, LL and Riley were found passed out in a room at Shutters Hotel in Santa Monica. And, OMG, one of them left a bloody syringe on the room service tray and now they're banned from that hotel. Jeezus. Oh, and someone claiming to be Britney posted on her private MySpace page that she'd lost the baby. Sigh.
Grade: B- (mulch)