However, in the high-stakes act-off between Tyra and Blake Lively, I think Tyra actually won. That's kind of like being the world's chastest hooker, but as long as you're not in last place, you're not fairing too shabby. Too bad there were plenty of people on the bottom last night as we saw everyone grabbing for a little bit of control. Except Dorota. She's got everything in check.

Dorota:
Power Play: Tells Blair that it's silly to mess with the Constance girls: +3, Can throw a hell of a slumber party: +2, Waters down the martinis: -1
Total: 4
Season to Date: 28
Power Position: Down

Georgina:
Power Play: Didn't make one appearance all episode: -20, Still manages to loom over everything ominously like an evil specter in heels: +5
Total: -15
Season to Date: 8
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Only Chuck Bass could pull off a white tux: +3
Personality Flaw: Excessive reference to himself in the third person: -2
Power Play: Is concerning himself with high school politics: -1
Quip: "What do you espect from a place where men wear sandals": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Let's Blair know that the best thing about her is that she is dating him: +2
Social Schemes: Convinces Jenny to grab the power: +2, His "bring Jenny to the premiere" gambit totally works: +3, The "hire the paps to photo Blair" gambit is also a rousing success: +2
Total: 10
Season to Date: 7
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Personality Flaw: His pop cultural stupidity pays off for a change: +1
Power Play: Only gets invited to the premiere because of stupid Vanessa: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Picks up a hot girl on the street: +2, Is too stupid to know that she is a big Hollywood star. Put down the Milan Kundera and pick up an Us Weekly, Dan: -2, Gets dumped by the star for being just too damn awesome: -1, Has his second fancy girlfriend without even trying: +4
Total: 2
Season to Date: 4
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Personality Flaw: Excessive reference to herself in the third person: -2
Power Play: Wanders into a He-Man lover's support group: -1, Won't go to a movie premiere because she's having a sleep over: -3, Still gets into the premiere when she deigns to go, and doesn't even need an invite: +1, "They don't care that I'm Blair Waldorf": +1 (consolation point), Gets her picture taken by the paps: +1, Chuck set it up: -2, Her confidence is back so watch out, world: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Chuck cares enough to scheme against her: +1
Social Schemes: Has to go back to Constance to feel powerful. Sad: -4, Unseats Jenny Humphrey as Queen with the wave of a wand: Even, Finally gets herself some NYU minions: +4
Total: -3
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Fashion Points: Wears a fedora and a retro T-shirt in public during the day. She can afford a publicist, but doesn't have a stylist?: -2, No, she must not, because someone let her wear that dress to the premiere: -3
Personality Flaw: Has landed face down in the Gossip Girl swamp. She bumps into Dan twice, rooms with Vanessa, and sits next to Serena at lunch all in the same afternoon. What are the odds?!: -3, Her trying to be Kate and Olivia reminds us of Jem and Jerrica: +2, It also reminds us of how much Dan looks like Jerrica's boyfriend Rio, and that makes us laugh: +2
Power Play: The only friend she has to talk to is stupid Vanessa: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Let's Dan woo her: -1, Dumps Dan: +2, Goes back to Dan because he thinks she's "normal": Even (Dan is looking pretty good these days)
WTF: How is this girl famous, she can't even do a good German accent!: -2
Total: -4
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Even

Nate:
Personality Flaw: He saw the fake Twilight movies Olivia starred in: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Where is his girlfriend?: -1
Social Schemes: Convinces Dan to go after famous Olivia, because he thinks it's funny that Dan doesn't know that she's Hilary Duff and, like, super famous: +2, That "Oh, man" face he made after Dan walks away was the best bit of acting that Chace Crawford has ever done: +1
Total: 1
Season to Date: -19
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Family Secrets: Tells Lily she's not going to Brown: +1 (for honesty), Tells Lily she's not going to Brown: -2 (for stupidity), Lies to Ursula to save her job: +1
Personality Flaw: Is so stupid that she can't even be a PR girl for a day. Isn't their jobs to sit in packs of five while one does all the work and the other four furiously check their Blackberries?: -3, Believes she got the job because "someone believes in her." Yeah right, someone believes in her like an amputee believes his arm is still there: -2
Power Play: Gets a glowing recommendation from Anna Wintour: +10, It still can't get her a job with Tory Burch, Marchesa, or the APF: -5, Finally gets a job: +1, It's in publicity. Ew: -4, Has a big movie star best friend: +2
Sexual Intrigue: What happened to Carter?: -1 (because we don't like him that much)
Social Schemes: Finds Ursula's ring: +1, Gets played by her new mean boss: -2, Somehow manages to know what she's talking about when she advises Ursula: +5, Still gets fired—and from being a PR girl: -4,
Total: -2
Season to Date: -19
Power Position: Even

Scott:
Family Secrets: You only told your secret last week, and already nearly everyone has forgotten about you: -2, Georgina knows your secret and she is going to fuck you up: -4
Sexual Intrigue: Vanessa still wants it: +1
Total: -5
Season to Date: -26
Power Position: Even

Rufus:
Family Secrets: Is he going to bother to tell Lily that their spawn had a stalker adoptive brother?: -2
Personality Flaw: Has not only forgotten about his gothy daughter, but also his new fake son: -3, He and his billionaire wife only seem capable of attending social events that revolve around the lives of 18 year olds: -3, Lily blames Serena's antics on Rufus' horrible parenting skills: -2
Power Play: Makes fun of Lily with Serena: +2, Helps Serena make bad decisions: -1,
Total: -9
Season to Date: -29
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Now that you have a famous roommate the paps will be watching you, so no more wearing horrible hanky top things: -3, Or that dress you wore to the premiere: -1
Power Play: Gets a famous roommate: +2, Gets to take Dan to a fancy event for a change: +2, Her new famous roommate only has her to confide in: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Forgives crazy psycho Scott: -2, Then he goes and disses her to take a call from Georgina: -3
Total: -4
Season to Date: -41
Power Position: Up

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Says no to the ugly mirror-encrusted Lady Gaga reject headband of power: +2, Spawned a million raccoon-eyed dopplegangers: -3, Cute shoes at the premiere: +1
Personality Flaw: Thinks she can change the world. Oh, poor naive Jenny: -3, Lets her mute gay sidekick actually speak: -1
Power Play: Finally accepts that she is the new mean girl and gets her minions to buy her free yogurt: +4
Social Schemes: Disbands the mean girls: +2, They get Blair to unseat her: -3, Teams up with Chuck to get Blair: +1, Chuck's plot to get Blair wouldn't work without her: +1
Total: 1
Season to Date: -53
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Family Secrets: No one bothers to tell her about her child's fake evil brother that is really her devil spawn: -3
Fashion Points: She's back, and you can't even tell she had work done: +5, Is wearing a floral print metallic top just like Blair's from last episode. No good being one step behind: -1
Personality Flaw: Can not get Serena to go to Brown no matter what she does: -4, Doesn't even say hello to her mute gay son when she returns home from "visiting grandma": -3
Total: -6
Season to Date: -73
Power Position: Up

Ursula:
Fashion Points: Other than that mascara on her face, she doesn't look horrible crying in a bathroom and that is hard to pull off: +3
Personality Flaw: Trusts stupid Serena to do something other than pout, make bad decisions, and go to parties: -30, Goes through an entire episode of Gossip Girl without using the exposure to vainly attempted to make her neologism "smize" (you know, smile with your eyes) happen: -50
Power Play: Talks to Serena on the couch like she talks to the contestants on America's Next Top Model: +2, Gets the best work she's ever done cut from the movie: -4
Quip: "You know you have surrounded me with amateurs," you mean like the producers of GG did by hiring you to act, Tyra?: -3
Social Schemes: Figures out that her mean publicist is lying to her: +2, Gets Serena her job back: +5, It's still a PR job: -4
Bonus: Just for being crazy enough to try to act on Gossip Girl and letting everyone pick on you: +1
Total: -78
Season to Date: -78
Power Position: Down

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

His song "Every Girl" was an odd choice to close the show that was more of a tribute to Michael Jackson than an awards ceremony. Everyone had MJ on the brain, whether it was in their acceptance speeches or conveyed in their outfits. (Host Jamie Foxx wore a succession of Michael's most famous costumes.) Artists like Ne-Yo and Ciara sang Michael's songs, and Beyoncé performed "Ave Maria" and Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" in memory of the King of Pop.

So it was weird that Lil Wayne—along with Drake and Young Money—didn't go the same route. However, it was more of an, "It's not right, but it's OK" kind of thing. Well, at least, it would've been, if he hadn't had a group of pre-teen girls dancing on stage. Take a look at the lyrics:

I like a long haired thick red bone
Open up her legs then filet Mignon that pussy
Ima get in and on that pussy
If she let me in Ima own that pussy
Gon' throw it back and bust it open like you posed' to
Girl I got that dope dick
Now come here let me dope you
You gon' be a dope fiend
Your friends should call you dopey
Tell em' keep my name out they mouth if they don't know me
Huh
But you can't call me tunecha
I'll fuck the whole group
Baby I'm a groupie
My sex game is stupid
My head is the dumbest
I promise
I should be hooked on phonics
haha

But anyway I think you're bionic
And I don't think you're beautiful
I think you're beyond it
And I just wanna get behind it
and watch you

(back it up and dump it back-
back it up and dump it back)

[CHORUS:]
Cause' we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And she like us too

I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world

[Drake:]
yea
alright
(ohh ohhh)
She be jumpin up and down
Tryna fit that ass in
Took her half an hour
Just to get that belt to fasten
All they want to talk about is partyin' and fashion
Every single night I have a dream that I am smashin
Them all
Young Money man this shit so timeless
And I'm in the mood to get faded so please bring your finest
And what are all your names again we drunk remind us
Are any y'all into girls like I am (lesbian)honest

She wants me she wants me
Cause' I got it all shawty tell me what you don't see
I will fuck with all y'all
All y'all are beautiful
I just cant pick one so you can never say I'm choosing hoes
And Wayne say pussy pussy pussy
And weed and alcohol seem to satisfy us all
Damn
And every time I think of staying with her
She bring that friend around that make a nigga reconsider man

CHORUS

[Jae Millz:]
I aint being disrespectful baby I'm just being Millz
And I don't know how fake feels so I gotta keep it real
I just wanna fuck every girl in the world
Every model every singer every actress every diva
Every high saddity chick every college girl every skeezer
Stripper and every desperate housewife that resemble eva
My role model was wilt
So married woman or milf
It don't matter who you is miss
You can get the business
Haaaa

[Gudda Gudda:]
These hoes is gods gift like Christmas
I like em caramel skin long hair thick ass
And I swear I'm feelin all y'all
I'm scrollin down my call log
And Ima call all y'all
My butter pecan Puerto Rican
She screamin out papi every time a nigga deep in
And I'm about to get my Bill Clinton on
And Hilary can Ride em' too boy I gets my pimpin on

[Mack Maine:]
And bitch Im Mack Maine -aine -aine -aine
Sanaa Lathan
Meagan Good
Angelina Jolie
Hah
D Woods
For free suites Id give Paris Hilton all-nighters
In about 3 years, holla at me Miley Cyrus
I don't discriminate, no not at all

The girls may have been family friends, or huge fans of his that he allowed on stage. I'm sure there was some kind of cognitive dissonance going on with that (there had to be!), but it was not exactly the best way to "celebrate" a man so closely associated with inappropriate relationships with children during the last two decades of his life.

But maybe Weezy was just robo tripping. That's his thing. It certainly seemed like that was the case at the opening of the show.

Oh, and what's up with Jamie Foxx hating Tyra? His looked like he wanted to puke when she hugged him.

More baffling was Tyra's weave/wig. It was waxy and weird and totally uncharacteristic of her. I think somebody needs a MAKEOVERRRRRRRRR!!!!

Beyoncé was working some different looks. She had Dynasty-sized shoulder pads:

And, mid-performance, changed into a bridal outfit:

It looked like one of those food protection tents:

While her performance was a tribute to MJ, her shoes were a tribute to Stevie Wonder's hair.

Best jewelry of the night goes to T-Pain.

Worst comeback of the night goes to all of New Edition, but specifically, Bah-bay:

See if you can pick out the transgender among the kewpie-doll contestants. They didn't say there's a transgender in there, but c'mon—Tyra loves surprises! (Our money's on Martha Plimpton.)

Cycle 12 premieres March 4th on The CW.

• ANTM [The CW]

The editor of the Gay Socialites blog reveals that he was recently asked to take part in...well, we're just going to let you find out yourself, because discovery is fun:

After a few minutes of talking with one of the Associate Producers on the telephone today, I found out that I'm not gay enough for Tyra Banks. The AP told me that Tyra was looking for someone who was a bit more "queeny" to participate in "Gay Town", a reality experience for "The Tyra Banks Show."

From what I was told, Tyra is going to lock a bunch of gays, lesbians and bi-sexual people in a room and observe how they act in different situations. Then in a few days, Tyra will bring the gays on-set to talk about their experience.

Excellence in Media! We can't wait to see Gay Town (run by Mayor William Sledd and hysterical Deputy Mayor Chris Crocker) flourish in a boom stereotype economy, only to crumple when crafty producers take away video cameras, internet access to Pink is the New Blog, and flat-irons.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Not gay enough for Tyra Banks? [GaySocialites.com]

20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

LOOKING FOR GIRLS WHO WERE AT TWILIGHT EVENT IN SF!

Hi,

My name is XXXX and I work at the Tyra Banks show in NY. I am looking for
girls who were at the TWILIGHT event in San Francisco and was wondering if
there is any way you can post something about that or put me in touch with
people who were at the event. We are looking huge fans of TWILIGHT who want
to share their story on the show. If this is possible, please let me know. I
would appreciate your help because I am having difficulties finding people
who were at the event.
Thank you,
XXXXXX
—

So should you love mop-headed dead-eyes boy so much it hurts, why not send in your information and get a special spot on Trya Banks' couch.

It's here that Francis unloads, implying that Lindsay is the equivalent of a "lesbian until graduation" and stating that, uh, Rosnan is a "wretched woman...taking [Lindsay] down a path that's just wrong for her." Thank God, America, that we have fine, upstanding men like Francis who are so concerned about our young ladies going down the wrong path. Be there for her, Joe. Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear for her worries, and a positive influence who can help lead Lindsay out of the woods with a 12:30 am carton of pralines and cream and a tender, heartfelt message: "Those tits look great in that shirt, but I bet they'd look even better out of it..."

• The Tyra Banks Show

Now we have 90210. And, new on the CW: Privileged. As Robert Bianco writes for USA Today: "What an odd America CW inhabits. As far as CW is concerned these days, we all live in a land where most everyone is white, wealthy and incredibly, well, privileged." But one of the most popular shows on the CW has a diverse mix of racial and socio-economic backgrounds, with men, women, blacks, whites, Latins, gays, straights and "fiercees" all working together: America's Next Top Model.

It's not strange that Tyra's show appeals to women of all demographics — my mom loves it, and it definitely has a strong teen following — because it's campy fun while still showcasing real human personalities faced with real challenges. Not the ridiculous photo shoots: The tasks that teach the contestants things like honesty, confidence and self-awareness. Of course, the makeup and pretty clothes can't be denied.

But makeup and pretty clothes aren't enough, which is why Privileged seems to fall flat. (USA Today's Bianco calls it "a second-rate imitation" of Gossip Girl, with "clunky jokes, overwrought performances and a tone that implies we're actually supposed to care.") As for 90210, Entertainment Weekly's Ken Tucker calls it the "Sarah Palin" of TV Shows: "Its main purpose is to remind you of a trusty old product while adding some new vigor and soap opera to the cultural discourse." (Meanwhile, Gossip Girl is earning pretty good ratings so far this season.)

But the real question is: Why can't the CW network take some of the multi-culti, LBGT-friendly vibes Tyra brings to America's Next Top Model and sprinkle them in the rest of the whitewashed (except for Everybody Hates Chris) prime time programming? CW network president Dawn Ostroff tells AdAge that she is looking for a new head of reality. And she says: "Our primary goal each season is to develop shows that fit with the CW's brand identity, connect with our core female viewers and help create audience flow across the week. And 90210 accomplished each those perfectly." Hear that? Adopted black kids (who happen to be jocks!) are "perfect."

'Privileged': The Kids Are All White, And Kind Of Shallow, Too [USA Today]
Family Drama, the CW Way [AdAge]
CW Dazzles in Prime With Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill [MediaWeek]
90210 Review [EW]

Watch the video, after the jump:

• Paris Hilton Responds to McCain Ad [Funny or Die]

Voguing like a supermodel, Tyra pays homage to Michelle Obama and Jackie Kennedy with pearls, slinky black shift and curly flip, draped against a Barack Obama lookalike and smiling at a tyke playing hide-and-seek à la JFK Jr.

Banks confessed that if she were first lady, her Secret Service code name would be "KMFA: Kiss My Fat Ass."

We can see it now: Nigel Barker as VP, Miss Jay as Secretary of the Interior, and Mr. Jay as Tyra's own personal Karl Rove. Sadly for erstwhile Top Model castoff Janice Dickinson, she would be immediately placed on a "do not fly" list, shipped to Gitmo for a special new facial rejuvenation procedure known as "waterboarding."

• TIPPECANOE AND TYRA, TOO [New York Post]

Tyra is obviously a quick study, and in her quest for branding "Tyra" as what she refers to as "attainable fantasy," TyTy has no doubt closely watched her idol Martha Stewart, and has learned from her mistakes as coming off too cold or business-y. Bu it's hard to believe that Tyra's first concern isn't money, particularly because she continually talks about it in the article. Normally cartoonish, she actually comes off like Montgomery Burns.

"I'm frugal," she said. "I've always been this way. When I was young, my mom would give me my allowance, and I'd peel off a little each week and have some to spare." She looked around the room, which had cream industrial carpeting and walls painted in a shade somewhere between cantaloupe and terra cotta. "When we moved into these offices, I didn’t like the carpet," she continued. "But do you know what carpeting costs? It’s really expensive. So, I picked out a color palette that would go with this carpet, and I painted the walls instead. Painting is much less expensive than carpet." She considered this decision for a moment. "One of the first things I ask when I hire someone who deals with the financials of the company is about their spending habits. How you spend money reveals a lot about you."

Only people who super care about money say they're frugal. She also writes in very small print so that she doesn't have to go through notebooks as quickly. And you know that has nothing to do with being green.

Hirschberg remarks on Tyra's weird, yet winning, combination of deliberate details and chaotic improvisation when it comes to her shows and producing projects. But even Tyra herself talks about how her current success was a longtime in the making, a plan she and her mother (her best friend, manager, and onetime stage mother to a child star, although the two would deny that) had carefully mapped out years ago when she first got into modeling.

"My mom said, 'You will not go to Paris without studying the industry first,'" Banks said. "I went to the fashion library in Los Angeles and looked at all the French magazines from the past. My mom explained that I should study the names of the hairdressers, the stylists, the makeup artists, the photographers, the editors and, of course, the designers. I watched videotapes of models walking. My mom said, 'This is not just glamour — it is a business.' So when I arrived in Paris, I was ready.'"

Um, except she never bothered to learn French. LOL!

Once she got to Paris, she "saw that the girls with cosmetic and swimsuit calendars made more money than the high-fashion girls," so when she began to gain too much weight for runway, she looked at it as an opportunity to really cash in with Victoria's Secret contracts and Sports Illustrated covers. She even viewed her skin color as a lucrative opportunity rather than a setback, because at the time, there was no "black Cindy Crawford." as she puts it.

At the end of the day, Tyra—who points out that she doesn't drink and is not into the latest fashions — is just like any other success story: She's a geek who made good. And like most embittered geeks, she wishes to inherit the earth. Or at least to rule it.

"I want power," she said. "The power to make change. I have never been interested in being ‘hot’ or ‘cool.’ I’m not interested in walking down a bunch of red carpets, dating someone famous, being in a big movie. I’ve done those things, and it never felt right. But I do want power and not for financial reasons."

But it's kinda hard to believe that someone so calculating isn't all about the numbers. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Banksable [NYT Magazine]

• WATCH VIDEO

At left, Naomi proudly showed off her naturally defined hairline at a February event by pulling the whole damn mess of it back as tightly as possible. And look how happy she is! She's all, Look Bitches, Fear Me All You Want, But Respect This Bombass Hair. Alas, a more recent photo taken this month reveals a more somber Campbell. Sure, her sad expression may have something to do with that pesky assault charge, but we'd be a bit glum too if noticeable patches of missing hair were visible to one and all. We suggest Naomi appear on Tyra for some good ol' weave advice. Tyra doesn't know much, but when it comes to talking weaves, she's a regular prodigy.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• HAVE HAIR EXTENSIONS TAKEN A TOLL ON NAOMI CAMPBELL'S VANISHING HAIRLINE? [Mail On Sunday]

The report claims she instead wants to focus on her talk show, with recent blue-chip guests like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton having given the aspiring supermogul a taste of what it truly means to have the Oprah-level power she craves so much. Presiding over the weave-yanking exploits of a houseful of aspiring boat show hostesses seems a lot less glamorous when there's an eight-hour foam-latex application waiting for you at your day job, that you might give your viewers a more accurate first-hand account of what it feels like to live your life as a 700-lb transexual sex-worker.

• No more 'Top Model' for Tyra Banks? [MSNBC]