Us
"Candace Cameron: How I Lost 22 Lbs. On My Own!"
Here is a direct quote from the six-page story: "She started eating less and working out more." Moving on: There's a "Do You Know Who I Am" spread, which reveals Jennifer Love Hewitt's old nose was bigger, Renee Zellweger's old body was bigger, and Amy Poehler's old hair was bigger. Shania Twain broke up with her husband, Mutt Lange, in May, because he was cheating on her with her best friend, Marie-Anne Thiébaud. Now Shania is hanging out with Marie-Anne's husband, Frédéric Thiébaud. Shania was seen being fed an olive by Frédéric at lunch recently. And they went skydiving together! Next: What has Madonna done to her face? Plastic surgeons who don't treat her say she's using Botox, got a brow lift, has filler under her eyes, cheek implants and may have gotten a subtle mini face lift. Her chin is natural, though. Lastly — and this is exciting — there are four pages of sketches from designers (Carolina Herrera, Badgley Mischka, Zac Posen, Diane von Furstenberg, Oscar de la Renta) of Inauguration evening and day looks for Michelle Obama and the kids!
Grade: D (evisceration)

Life & Style
"Yes, I'm Pregnant!"
Janet Jackson, 42, allegedly sat down the band traveling with her on tour and said, "Guys, we're canceling the rest of the tour. I'm pregnant!" The magazine speaks to Jermaine Dupri's Aunt, who says, "I texted Jermaine a few days ago to ask if Janet's pregnant." His answer? A coy, "not yet." Basically, they won't announce anything until after the first trimester. Moving on: Angelina Jolie has a "new face." A doctor who doesn't treat her thinks it's all Botox, Juvederm, and fillers. Injectables, not surgery (Fig. 1). So in T: The New York Times Style Magazine, Katie Holmes went on and on about how she's not a wallflower; a source says she's doing it now because she wants a Tony. And "She knows she's been portrayed as this kind of Stepford wife, and it was important for her to set the record straight." Also! Tom Cruise has been wearing white Nike Air Force 1s, which add 2 inches to his height! He is a baller. A story called "The Obama Diet" (Fig. 2) has a picture of the President-Elect "running" in a suit, eating a soft shell taco and holding a small bottle of hot sauce. 2009 is gonna be just fine. Gerard Butler wasn't always so hot (Fig. 3)! Gossip Girl's Ed "Chuck Bass" Westwick and Jessica "Vanessa" Szohr were seen Christmas shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond in NYC. "They sure looked like they were a couple," says an eyewitness. Tobey Maguire is, at his wife's request, taking parenting classes: Apparently he spoiled the first kid, and there's a second one on the way. Lastly, in a spread called "Star's Figure Flaws — Fixed!" we find out how to "solve" the problem of having a "lean frame" or a "petite frame," like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Oh, and guess what? Ugly Betty's Amanda, Becki Newton, is "pear-shaped."
Grade: D+ (flaying)

In Touch
"It's A Girl."
It will be an "unusual" and "memorable" Christmas: Angelina and Brad are taking the kids to Ethiopia to get their fourth adoption underway. A source says, "They've already picked out a little girl… They don't want Zahara to be the only African in the family." And! Even though Angie hasn't said anything, many, as in the editors of the mag, believe she is carrying baby number 8. Crazytown. Moving on: "Friends" worry Madonna is suffering from a mid-life crisis. "She's obsessed with her appearance, adopted younger friends on tour, and has replaced Guy Ritchie, 40, with 33-year-old Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez." Uh-oh, reporter Ian Halperin says Michael Jackson has "a very severe lung condition called Alpha-1 antitrypson deficiency. He needs a lung transplant. He also has emphysema and chronic gastro-intestinal bleeding. He can barely speak and the vision in his left eye is 95% gone." Oh, Marilyn Manson's new dame is model Isani Griffith, 24. Dude has a type. Is Winona Ryder okay? A source says she seems to be on a "downward spiral" since Rilo Kiley guitarist Blake Sennett ended their relationship in August. In a spread called "Who's Really Cheating," there are tons of blind items (Fig. 4). Joel and Benji Madden spent a week in the Central African Republic as UN Goodwill Ambassadors; Joel plans on raising money for UNICEF's Tap Of Project, which provides safe drinking water. Lastly, Lynda Carter, TV's Wonder Woman says: "Beyoncé's phenomenal. I think the whole idea of her playing Wonder Woman would be great."
Grade: C- (ravaged)

Star
"Angie & Brad: Twins Again!"
Alas, this story does not claim that Angelina is actually pregnant with twins. Instead, it says that Angie is getting "secret" fertility treatments and "trying really hard in the bedroom." So the couple is "gearing up" for twins. A "friend" says "She's 33, she doesn't feel like she has time to sit around and wait." Angelina is also eating yams, which are supposed to increase her chances of having twins. Orange juice, too. Oh, and fertility drugs. But Angelina and Brad are fighting, because Brad wants the babies to be born in New Orleans, and Angie wants them to be born somewhere "exotic," like India. Meanwhile, Maddox wants Brad and Angie to get married, so there's a wedding scheduled for June. All the kids will be in the wedding party. (There are elaborate descriptions of the proposed wedding venue, at a lodge in the Ozark mountains — with entire paragraphs dedicated to the fireplace and where to put the carved meat.) But Angie and Brad don't want it to be splashy like Brad's wedding to Jen because, "They don't want to be showy during these hard financial times." Moving on: Ginnifer Goodwin and Chris Klein: Dunzo! Lo Bosworth is avoiding Lauren Conrad — she's sick and tired of the inflated ego and sense of entitlement. Blind item! "Which actress is so messed up, she's seeing shrinks on both costs? Only, they've been giving her conflicting advice, and the back-and-forth has made her more wacky than ever." By the by, Jennifer Aniston is a fan of "Pokies," the plastic nipples that slide in under a bra. Suri Cruise loves Dora The Explorer's cousin Diego, and has asked her mom to get her one. The mag actually prints these words: "Katie's not about to pop one out just to so Suri can have a playmate. Even if she were to get pregnant again, there's no guarantee she'd have a boy — or that she'd name him Diego." Did Oprah have a non-surgical procedure called Thermage to take care of the bags under her eyes? A doctor who does not treat her says she got blepharoplasty (eyelid surgery). Rachel Zoe weighs 89 lbs. (Fig 5). "I've never seen her eat, only smoke," says an insider. Clay Aiken has a new boyfriend. The lucky guy is a Broadway dancer named Reed Kelly, from the ensemble cast of Wicked. Even though People magazine painted him as a great dad last week, Star says "Booze, weed and hookers are a big part of Kevin Federline's lifestyle." Next, there's an article about Britney's manhunt, and the mag creates a quasi-funny internet dating profile for the pop star. Lastly, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt may have a baby on the way: Spencer sees all these celebrities making cash on baby pictures, and he wants in! Heidi was dragging her feet, but he's convinced her, so look for a little money-grubber in the over early next year. Oh, and they think having a Newlyweds-type show featuring them as parents would be a huge hit. Plus, they only go to the apartment they "live" in on the show to film scenes. "That place is practically a set," says a source.
Grade: C (ruined)

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When cops showed up, Kristina was lying on the ground outside their apartment "wearing only blue jean pants" and "bleeding from her nose," while Karissa was standing over Kristina asking who had done this, "as if she had no idea what had happened."

Best part: a neighbor said he witnessed the one twin kicking the other twin in the face, though "he could not identify which sister was which." Karissa eventually fessed up.

We beg to differ, TMZ; the "best part" is almost certainly that Kristina wore nothing but "blue jean pants" to the outdoor rumble with her twin sister, thus providing a pugilistic back story for what will almost certainly be a tastefully topless recreation of the incident in the pages of Playboy. Hef, enjoy your makeouts with the twins while they last, but if you take a Jimmy Choo to the face that was meant for Kristina, don't say we didn't warn you.

• Hef Twin Busted for Catfight with Her Sis! [TMZ]

According to TMZ, both sisters were arrested earlier this year for felony aggravated battery in the decidedly non-Holmby Hills locale of St. Petersburg, Florida. What exactly transpired in this bunny-on-bunny-on-civilian crime? Says the website:

We just talked to a relative of one of the victims and here's what they tell us went down. The twins went out after work with one of their Wing House co-workers, Erica Civello, to a house party. Kristina allegedly started arguing with Erica, and Karissa came up behind her and hit Erica over the head with a bottle of beer and they both "jumped her." Erica suffered a concussion.

The mystery of Wing House rears its engimatic head once more! Was the twins' former place of employment this Hooters knockoff, or was it this transitional house for adult survivors of traumatic brain injury? Based on the context clues, we're thinking the former...but Erica? That other Wing House might be just the ticket for you in your Bud Light-brained state. Godspeed!

• Hef's Girls Put the Jail in Jailbait [TMZ]

we are kristina & karissa shannon we are idenical twins we work well together and have worked for winghouse doing advertisement for 3 yrs. and are now working on the centerfold for playboy!!!we are new playmates and are exploding fast we are going to be shooting the girls next door show while doing our centerfold while we are out at the mansion in LA we love modeling,acting, and are very outgoing with great,fun ,and exciting personality's! we are interested in doing movies,commercial's, host events exc.We have done commercials and billboards and the cover of the swimsuit calender's and things for winghouse!

We were somewhat curious about the much-mentioned "winghouse," so we did some further digging and can narrow the Winghouse in question to one of two alternatives: either the twins posed for this Hooters knockoff, or they've kindly devoted their time to cheering up adult survivors of traumatic brain injury. Either way, their sparkling "personality's" should help them take the Mansion by storm! Enjoy your high-flying, semi-incestuous new life, ladies!

• Hugh Hefner’s New Twins [Buzzfeed]

• karissa&kristina [OneModelPlace]

Hard to fathom but, just ten years ago, the diva known 'round the world was known simply as that hot big-bottomed girl with a shimmy-shaking breakthrough music video in heavy rotation on MTV (remember, in those days, MTV still played videos). But she hadn't quite let go of her penchants for ass-enhancing spandex onesies, nor her not-so-subtle habit of posing with said ass front and center. Few can forget her appearance as Diddy's arm candy at the 2000 MTV Music Awards, with her skin-tight white jeans, taut belly and bandana proving she's so real, from the block, and down with her peeps. For a few more minutes that is, considering no one from the block (any block) would be down with perhaps the most famous fashion faux-pas of the decade, the paper thin maniacally patterned green-ish disaster Lopez wagged tongues with just a few months later. One overly tight yellow polyester skirt and tacky pair of knee-high hooker booties later, and Lopez figured it out (finally): with a, ahem, imperfect eye for style well-proven, ensemble eyesores may appear on Max and Emme in the future, but thankfully, we'll only have to endure them once.

[Photo credits: Wireimage]

• JENNIFER LOPEZ TWINS NEVER EAR THE SAME DESIGNER CLOTHES TWICE [Daily Mirror]

Despite the fact that just about everyone and their favorite blog have known that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting two Chosen Ones this time around, heroin dabbler-turned-UN Ambassador Jolie had yet to officially confirm the news. And until a Today Show interview taped today in Cannes, featuring Jolie and co-star Jack Black promoting their upcoming animated flick Kung Fu Panda, we’re pretty sure the very pregnant actress would have kept her lips sealed until the day those magical spawns open their cherubic eyes for the first time. But thanks to an impromptu joke made by Black, Jolie was put on the spot, and clever Today host Natalie Morales took full advantage of it...

During the interview, scheduled to air tomorrow morning, the scruffy Black proved that "funny" actors will do and say just about anything to get a laugh. Unfortunately for Jolie, her co-star felt the need to crack this joke for no apparent reason: "You're gonna have as many as [the] Brady Bunch when you have these." As we all know, the feisty Brangelina tribe currently adds up to four. Being the masterful mathematician that she is, Morales struck while the iron was hot and asked Jolie if she was expecting twins. Jolie's response? "Yeah, yeah, we've confirmed that already. Well, Jack's just confirmed it actually." Despite the awkward moment, we have to give kudos to Jolie for handling the tense situation with apparent grace, and cleaning up Black's mess.

[Photo credit: NBC via People]

• ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT EXPECTING TWINS [People]

WHICH IS WHICH?

[Ashley Dupre pics via Us]