Answer: Hiding from their rabid fans.

There are four major types of Twihard attack, each with a unique perpetrator profile and modus operandi:

1. Non-Consensual Neck Bites
You'd think would happen all the time, but forcible tooth-on-neck penetrations are relatively rare in the Twihard universe, probably because most fans would prefer to be Edward Cullen's victim, not his imitator. Nonetheless, a Michigan NBC affiliate reports today that a "white man, about 45 years old" is at large after biting a 17-year-old girl at a New Moon showing*:

I tried to pull away and he didn't let go. He was just kind of staring at me, smiling, in this really creepy way ... He got maybe two, three feet from my chair and he grabs me by the back of my hair, pulls me backward and bites me on the neck.

2. Twihard-on-Twihard Violence
In the orgiastic frenzies surrounding every Twilight event, it is a foregone conclusion that someone would put an eye out. A brawl over a Robsessed poster landed a British teen in the hospital after a screening of the fan documentary last week. Sarah O'Regan explains her harrowing plight:

I didn't find out about the free Robsessed posters till they were all gone. Then I spotted one on the table at the same time as another girl and we both ran for it. I grabbed it first but then she snatched it off me. ... I was frightened, as I don't ever get into fights, but at that moment I was totally Robsessed and I had fire in my heart. It all happened so quickly. I ended up on the floor and my arm and cheek were in terrible pain, so my friend had to take me to hospital. [Note: I have removed extraneous exclamation points from this account because they are annoying, and also because it's funnier as a deadpan.]

O'Regan, who is Robert Pattinson's "biggest fan in the world" and "want[s] to marry him," reports that the poster was torn in half during the scuffle, but that she got "the better half," which included Pattinson's face. She remains in good spirits:

I'm so gutted I missed the screening, but the DVD company have sent me a free copy of Robsessed which I have already watched about 4 times

Though terrifying, Twihard-on-Twihard violence is easily avoided, mostly by avoiding any and all Twilight-related gatherings.

3. Twihard-on-Bystander Violence
A message board directory of Twilight-related attacks, reveal baseball beat-downs, broken bones, small explosive devices, and a nearly scratched-out eyeball. This tale of an attempted schoolroom throat-slashing has a somewhat unreliable narrator, but is really good, in a Bad Boys meets Mean Girls sort of way:

[I]n Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. she came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed "How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!" Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn't have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed. She was expelled, but I got after school detention for defending myself (our principal is a ass)!

To avoid Twihard-on-Bystander attacks, stay away from places where teenagers congregate and do not, under any circumstances, openly criticize Twilight in public. Should you be the victim of Twihard-on-Bystander violence, know that it is not your fault, Mommy and Daddy still love you very much, and next time, carry a rape whistle.

4. Celebrity-Directed Attacks
Celebrity-directed attacks are theoretically dangerous to Twilight's beleaguered stars, but since event organizers now know to anticipate them, the cavalcade of beefy New Moon security actually leaves Twihard fans at greater risk of endangering themselves. Witness Robert Pattinson's tale of how he once cajoled a female fan into getting naked in public: After an autograph-seeker asked, "What can I do to get your attention?" Pattinson replied, "um, just take your clothes off," prompting the nubile young female to rip her clothes off and get "dragged out of the room by security."

* UPDATE: She was lying! Props to commenter Matt Cherette for calling bullshit early.

• After all the build-up, the actual film seems rather beside the point. But New Moon is here and looking to do the box office what vampires do to their victims, except not leaving them dead, but rather filled up with money. The second installment of the Twilight series has already become the all time online ticket sales champion. In it's opening weekend it is expected to rake in in the range of $85 million domestic, although there is some buzz that it could, just possibly, if we can dare to dream, break the magic $100 million opening weekend figure. [Hollywood Reporter]

• And if you are worried that what with there only being a couple Harry Potter movies left and Twilight being half over, that we might soon be running out of fantasy mega-cycles at our multiplexes, set your mind at ease, help is on the way. Lorenzo di Bonaventura yesterday nailed the rights to produce a film adaptation of the six chapter literary fantasy series The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel. Bonaventura, Variety notes, presided over the launch of the Potter series which has currently grossed $5.38 billion worldwide while he was head of production at Warner Brothers. [Variety]

• Oscar's got a new director. The fantastically named Hamish Hamilton, veteran of directing live concert events will take the Academy's baton under producers Bill Mechanic and Adam Shankman. [Variety]

• The Academy however, majorly dissed its once darling Michael Moore. His latest installment of the Michael Moore Yells at The Rich cycle Capitalism, A Love Story, failed to make the short list of 15 films up for the Best Documentary prize. The list which included favorites Valentino: The Last Emperor, The Cove and Every Little Step, will be winnowed down to five nominees in February. [The Wrap]

• Forbes has done the math on the most-overpaid stars in Hollywood, coming up with a showbiz equivalent of a PE ratio, calculating how much their movies gross for every dollar they are paid. Topping the list: Will Ferrell whose films earn a mere $3.29 for every dollar he has paid. [Forbes]

• The New York Times reports on how early very obscure Oscar buzz for Jeff Bridges' performance as a country singer in Crazy Heart transformed a movie that its distributor had deemed unreleasable into a major awards contender. [NY Times]

• Asked in an interview with CNBC's Erin Burnett about the pending sale of NBC/Universal to Comcast, CEO Jeff Zucker was tight lipped, saying "I'm incredibly interested to see what will happen...Time will tell." Asked about his decision to upend NBC's schedule with the Jay Leno Experiment, Zucker deflected the question, focusing on the show's spin, saying he thought it was unfortunate that the move had been portrayed as part of a cost-cutting strategy and that its just about making great shows. His team is focused on doing "whatever it takes to put on the best television," he said, which is something less than saying either "We are committed to giving Jay as long as he needs to find an audience" or, on the other hand, "What the hell have we done!?" [Hollywood Reporter]

• With fans already camped out awaiting its Friday opening, New Moon, the latest installment in the Twilight cycle, has already broken its first record, becoming the all-time leader in advance ticket sales, according the Fandango's rankings. The ticket seller reports that a full 86 percent of its sales over the past week were for New Moon. The US government has advised all citizens to prepare a safe room in their homes that will be kept free of all media, warning the incoming vampire tsunami over the next week will overrun every available crevice of television, newspapers, magazines, internet and human speech, flooding the populace with a deluge Twilight propaganda. [Deadline]

• Use whatever big bang metaphor you like, 2012 did that at the box office this weekend, hauling in $225 million worldwide. Precious also impressed on a much smaller scale, taking the number four slot with $6.1 million while running on only 174 screens. The weekend also gave some hope to Disney's promise that A Christmas Carol would prove to have legs through the holiday season despite its tepid opening. Carol dropped off a mere 26 percent from its opening weekend. [Variety]

• The Academy of Motion Pics met in a low-key, old fashioned, just-among-friends ceremony to give out its special awards off-camera this year. Special Oscars were handed to Lauren Bacall, cinematographer Gordon Willis and producers Roger Corman and John Calley. The evening was full of low-key speeches and tableside toasts to the honorees. Warren Beatty heralded the wonder of attending an Oscar event where "Nobody's worried whether 36.9 million people are watching us, or 29.2 million." The off-camera nature of the event apparently inspired the stars to their most-long winded heights. Time it took to hand out four awards: three and a half hours. [NY Times]

• Variety chronicles the keeping the trains running resigned mood at MGM as the company waits to be auctioned off and wonders whether it will continue to be a standalone studio. While the wait goes on, development work continues on The Hobbit, James Bond 23 and a Poltergeist reboot. Audiences will rejoice at the news that the studio is guaranteeing it will release the already completed Red Dawn, Hot Tub Time Machine and a 3D retelling of Cabin in the Woods. [Variety]

• Mediaweek reports on "Growing Pains at Hulu." The portal is apparently demonstrating why joint ventures in show biz are fraught propositions as conflicts have been springing up between the ABC, NBC and Fox staffs whose companies co-founed the site. [MediaWeek]

For months the build-up to the campaign has turned America's teenage girls into a pack of depraved junkies, refreshing their browsers with increasing rage looking for the latest tidbit of the film. Since the first Twilight film itself came out, Summit has doled out pieces of New Moon in tiny parcels, offering up stills from the film, three trailers, song lists from the soundtrack, soundtrack cover art, new posters, set photos data about the film's running time and of course relentless 24/7 coverage of every movement of stars Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner etc.

Like alleged pieces of the true cross floating across Europe in the middle ages, there may in fact currently be more artifacts of New Moon out there on the market than there actually is New Moon to hold them; by our calculations New Moon would have to be approximately 18 hours long to fit in all the pieces of New Moon that have found their way into the public space.

We have no doubt that once the public safety threat has been passed, Congress will want to investigate the fact that Summit entertainment has for the past year kept the teenage girls of America hovering over a precipice between sanity and raving bedlam. The campaign however, has brilliantly created not just one mega-PR event with the release of the film but turning the release of PR materials themselves into mega-events, with their own build-up, countdowns and launch parties — and making the tireless muckrakers of entertainment journalism their lackeys in the frenzy.

Take this week for instance. The big event in Twilight-land, still reeling from the launch of the New Moon soundtrack currently topping the iTunes charts, will be the release of a new clip from the film, to debut on Access Hollywood. The clip itself will presumably run about a minute, as past clips have. But building up to the release of that precious minute of footage, Access Hollywood received permission to preview the release of the clip; the clip which will preview the movie, running on their site an approximately three second slice of the minute to come.

The clip's release will be followed by blanket coverage on MTV and elsewhere of reaction to the clip's release and hundreds of hours of punditizing about where this leaves us as a Twilight-based society.

Someday these people will understand that they have toyed with forces beyond their power to control. But until then, all we as society can do is pray. And lock the doors.

• It's a waiting game to see whether Vivendi will exercise its put option on its remaining 20 percent stake in NBC Universal, possibly sending the network studio hybrid into the fabled lands of IPO. While the anticipation mounts, Vivendi's chair said the company would take the next few months to make up its mind. [Variety]

• Oprah's Harpo Productions, Sam Mendes and Focus Features are teaming up to bring Joseph O'Neill's celebrated cricket pot-boiler Netherland to the big screen. [Variety]

• Spike Lee and Robert DeNiro announced plans to make a series about Alphabet City for Showtime. Alphaville will be an ensemble drama set in the 1980's. [Hollywood Reporter]

• With a mere two months until its release, pre-sales of tickets for New Moon the second installment of the Twilight saga have been brisk, with many locations reporting showings have already sold out. [Hollywood Reporter]

• What you won't read much about in the trades is the rumors about the trades themselves. Yesterday, Nikki Finke declared Variety was planning to take its website behind a pay wall and the Hollywood Reporter to cease publication entirely. The Wrap attempted to find the truth behind the rumors. It quotes a "high level" Reporter exec reacting "with amusement" to Finke's item, while Variety remained oblique about its online plans. [The Wrap]

Apparently attempt to limit the damage to international communications , Summit Pictures released the new image out on Labor Day, when presumably they hoped to sneak them past the angry Twilight mobs roaming the internet. If so, the hope was in vain.

The new picture, featuring stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson staring at each other, has sparked a frenzy of speculation as fans try to piece together what their open mouthed expressions mean, what the expressions tell us about New Moon and Twilight issues in general, and beyond that, what they say about our chances to survive as a species on a planet where you and a cute guy can really really like each other but for really stupid reasons not be able to be together.

At the Twilight fan site hisgoldeneyes.com partisans attempted to unravel the meaning of Bella and Edward's gaze in the 400 long and counting comments section.

Speaking on a basic formal level, commenter Jordan attempted to establish some context:

I think its the scene after the B-Day party. If you zoom up close to Edwards eyes, they look gold. When they came back from Italy, his eyes were black, because he didn't eat n a while.

That's a theory backed up by Monica who wrote:

Yeah Jordan is right. It's after the birthday party. Plus Edward looks like he's wearing the same jacket as he was during the party. Plus his eyes are gold there.

And no Laura, Edward's lips are supposed to be red when he's not thirsty. Gold, Pale and Red. That's Edward for ya.

Peering beyond the mere tactical concerns, Simply Bee attempted to grapple with the philosophical issues raised by the image:

You know something. I haven't even given my two cents about the picture. I think it's depressing the looks they are sharing with eachother make my stomach tie up into a nervous not of anticipation to see what words will go along with the expressions. They both look so lost and like they are grasping onto the remnant of humanity they have left, if they lose one another then they also lose their selfs. It's kind of heart wrenching.

Over at bellaandedward.com discussed centered around the critical question of whether the inches of fabric wrapping around Kristen Stewart are from the front of a dress or a tank top. If the former, it would indicate that the scene we are looking on may take place after the pair's Italian sojourn, and thus that the ring shown here may be the engagement ring Edward bestowed upon Bella and that what we may be looking upon, and it is hard to understate the consequence of this — if one can picture the moment when some fuzzy images come to us from a deep space probe and it slowly dawns upon humanity that we are seeing the first images of extra-terrestrial life — this may in fact be a shot from the Proposal Scene itself.

Tempting as that possibility is to many, a few harded debunkers on the bellaandedward boards attempt to shoot it down. Writes pitiless commenter Megan:

You guys are morons. They don't get engaged until Eclipse. That is the same ring that she wore in Twilight on her right hand index finger. Pay attention little girls.

Which Katelyn seconds:

It cant be after italy, she looked like crap after italy and she wasnt dressed nciely or had her hair done, and even if she did, she just woke up after a day of sleeping, so her hair coudlnt look that good anyway, and edward is in a a suit. def after her birthday party

Over at twilightsource.com, commenter Sarah weighs the many issues raised by the image and delivers her final verdict,

OMG. I think this picture just really shows how much Chris is putting into this film. The make up is PERFECT. Bella is pale, compared to "standard" humans, but Edward, OMG, Edward is a chalky, stark white. EXACTLY like a vampire SHOULD be. He conveys so much pain and love through his eyes, like he is sorry for what he did (or is going to do) and just wants to kiss her and tell her it's ok. Gosh. CHRIS WEITZ YOU RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In related news, vampire fans making the pilgrimage to Northern Utah can now get lost in a giant field of corn carved to resemble Twilight rivals Edward and Jacob. Inexplicably, the space aliens who created this maze carved a little local TV reporter holding a microphone into the corn next to the vampires.

Entering the final 90 day window for America's teenage girls to drive themselves to screeching madness over the release of New Moon, the second film in the Twilight celibate vampire series, these two pieces of news coming so close together are the Hot Topic equivalent of air raid sirens, warning all good people to take cover.

First, American magazine stands braced for assault today with the launch of Teen Vogue's 3/4 naked photo-shoot of Taylor Lautner, featuring his newly installed pectoral muscles, brought on board in preparation for his character's transformation into a topless werewolf in New Moon.

In the words that some editor thought would be cute to fill up the space next to the pictures, Lautner brazenly attempts to pass the buck on any damage caused by girls driven to violence by the sight of his torso. He says, "I think the fans would love anybody who played Jacob... I'm just lucky to be the one who got the chance." Nice try, Lautner. We'll see you in court.

Meanwhile, in full and total nudity news, authorities can breathe a sigh of relief that it's just Bella (Kristen Stewart) taking it all off and frankly, if you're a teen girl, that just looks desperate and not at all exciting, as it would be if Rob Pattison were — let us not even imagine such things.

Stewart is slated to play a 16 year-old prostitute in the upcoming indie film Welcome to the Rileys. She uttered sometime, somewhere to the font of celebrity quotes that is WENN, "It's an independent movie that nobody would normally see and now it's like, 'Oh, let's go see Bella in this stripper movie, it'll be crazy,'"

Count off one nation of 11-to-16-year-old girls as not impressed.

Ok!
Missing in Action!

Us
"How He Tricked Her." If you care about The Bachelorette, then you may want to know that a body language expert found Ed Swiderski's eyes were full of lies. We don't care, so we don't want to know. Also inside: A source says that Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger are "100% seeing each other." The only reason they didn't say anything before was because he was seeing Jennifer Aniston at the same time, but wasn't as into her as she was into him. Rachel McAdams and Josh Lucas: Splitsville. Also inside: When Jon Gosselin was home with the kids, he only played with them when the cameras were rolling. The rest of the time, he was smoking and talking on his cell phone. Jon complained to a group of photographers outside his house: "They think I'm messing around and not a good father, but I'm on my cell phone all day working, trying to make money and take care of my kids." Sparklevamp Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spent three nights together in his hotel room. An insider says: "They're not boyfriend-girlfriend exactly, but they've definitely hooked up." And the guy who plays Bella's dad says: "If they want to date each other, fine! Look, when you're that age, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to date people you probably shouldn't date. It's all part of the growing process." See, Twilight is real, and he's afraid Sparklevamp is gonna bite Kristen. Lastly: Jessica Simpson is turning to alcohol to deal with her breakup. She was smashed at Ken Paves' birthday party! Who among us has not gotten drunk at our hairdresser's bash? Ooh, and a source says John Mayer has naked pictures of Jessica on his cell phone, and showed his friends at lunch.
Grade: F (disemvoweling)

In Touch
"Angelina Humiliates Brad."
At the Hollywood premiere of Inglourious Basterds, Angelina "literally hogged the spotlight" from Brad, "making him look foolish." She was wearing a strapless leather cocktail dress, "and completely upstaged Brad." If she hadn't gone, the headline would have been: ANGIE ABANDONS BRAD. But since she showed up, there are six pictures of the two of them, with commentary like "Their tense arrival" and "Angelina won't stand back." (Fig. 1) There's also a picture of Angelina in her black strapless leather dress next to an image of Jennifer Aniston's Elle cover, where Jen is also wearing a black leather strapless dress and the subhead reads, "Angelina Stole Jen's Look!" Another spread has a collection of pictures in which Brad is made out to be an exhausted, heavy-drinking slob now that Angie is in his life. During their relationship, "He's gone from hot to haggard." And! In the table of contents, it says, "Angelina's Wearing Brad Down." (Fig. 2) Also inside: "They Look Like Mr. T!" (Fig. 3) Lastly: Ellen Pompeo is having a girl, if you care.
Grade: F (Morse code)

Life & Style
"They're Back On!"
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart shared a hotel room at Chateau Marmont from August 6 to August 8, and were spotted hanging out at various events all weekend. They were photographed separately taking smoke breaks on the room's balcony. The mag claims they had dinner on the hotel's back patio and were holding and kissing. A witness says: "The alcohol helped him shed his inhibitions and they could hardly keep their hands off each other toward the end of the evening." Though the cover says "Robert confirms he's dating Kristen," this is what they mean by that: Apparently New Moon costar Nikki Reed said something like "I saw the pictures [of you and Kristen]. I thought you were going to keep it secret" to Rob on an Alaska Airlines flight, and he said, "keep your voice down." Not exactly a "confirmation." Also inside: Kim Kardashian has dyed her hair — and eyebrows — honey blond. She says: "I definitely needed a change in my life… I have this whole new outlook and personality. It had transformed my attitude." Kate Hudson's biological father, Bill Hudson, is using the magazine to try and send messages to Kate. Moving on: "Khloé: I'm Not On Cocaine." This is a teaser for Kourtney And Khloé Take Miami, where you'll see that Khloé has coke in her bag. But she has a good reason! Lastly, Heidi Montag says: "I'm not wearing anything in the Playboy pictures. My skin is my accessory."
Grade: D (semaphore)

Star
"Divorce!"
The only source in this Sarah Palin "shattered marriage" story is Mercede Johnston, Levi' sister. She says Sarah and Todd are fighting all the time, and Todd ends up sleeping on the couch. Bristol used to tell Levi that Sarah and Todd would argue over the smallest things, like whose turn it was to do the dishes, and sometimes Todd would take off for days to his cabin in Eureka to get away from all the tension. Let's just remember that Mercede is 17 and is talking about her brother's ex-girlfriend's parents. She also says that after Bristol got pregnant, Todd and Sarah were yelling at each other a lot. Um, yeah. An Alaskan blog The Immoral Minority ran a headline: "Sarah And Todd Palin Are Splitsville." The blog claimed that Sarah had purchased land in Montana and was considering relocating there with the kids. Plus! After a fight, Sarah threw her wedding ring into Lake Lucille. An insider says the couple might come to a financial agreement for Todd to stay with Sarah and "give the impression of a loving husband" — at least through her book tour next year. Related: 15-year-old Willow Palin was caught on video drinking vodka (with a chaser of Mountain Dew) and taking a hit off of a joint at a party. Also inside: Like us, Star now watches for Photoshop of Horrors (Fig. 4). Unsolicited uterus update: Pénélope Cruz "bump alert" picture shows a very small baby "bump." Blind item: "Which singer is such a diva that she wears bright red lipstick to bed? She recently made her hubby go out at 10pm to get a replacement tube of her favorite shade." More about Kristen and Rob's "Hot Hotel Hookups!" The story begins thusly: "When Robert Pattinson's room is rocking, don't come knocking." Rob Pattinson had a guitar delivered to his hotel room so he could serenade Kristen Stewart. The magazine asks: Did Rob put a ring on it already? Kristen was seen wearing a ring on THAT finger. Gosselin news: "It's All-Out War!" They're doing things to annoy each other: Kate threw out Jon's favorite grill and most of his favorite shirts, except for one "special" Ed Hardy shirt, which she slashed with scissors and left out for him to see. She's been threatening to get rid of his tractor. She put up a no smoking sign and taught the kids to chant "smoking kills," and she taunts Jon by saying he's fat and ugly. Jon's been leaving cigarette butts lying around the house, and Kate's sensitive about her age, so he calls her "granny" to see if he can make her cry. Next: True Blood's Alexander Skarsgård played a suicidal transvestite named Geert in a 2006 indie flick, check out a pic (Fig. 5)! Lastly: Jessica Simpson is planning to write a multi-million dollar tell-all, which will spill details about her ex-boyfriends and her "love luggage" — her weight. Tony Romo liked her to dress up as a cheerleader, but with garter belts, stockings and high heels. And he'd bring food into the bedroom. John Mayer would talk baby talk in bed and was always begging her to experiment — he wanted her to go to sex parties "just to look." Jess might reveal how she fell for Dane Cook while filming Employee Of The Month "when he made her laugh so hard he made her pee her pants on the set." And! A source says: "She'll probably write about one wild night she had with Jude Law in New York, and how close she came to being his baby mama."
Grade: C- (braille)

Fig. 1 (click to enlarge)

Fig. 2

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Fig. 4

The aforementioned cease and desist letter was obtained by TMZ and claims that both books, Scott's published in 2006 and Meyer's in 2008, contain a post-wedding sex scene, a scene where the main character's wife dies and a scene about a woman carrying a demonic child with evil powers, all with similarities in dialogue. Coincidence? Obviously, Jordan Scott's people don't think so, but Meyer's people are calling shenanigans.

The claim that 'Breaking Dawn' by Stephenie Meyer somehow infringes on an alleged book by someone named Jordan Scott is completely without merit. Neither Stephenie Meyer nor her representatives had any knowledge of this writer or her supposed book prior to this claim.

The TMZ post has a link to a 15-page PDF letter detailing the alleged dialogue ripoffs. Having read through it, I'm unconvinced of any wrongdoing. You'd almost think that Scott thinks as though she's the only writer to ever include a wedding, a death and a sex scene in a novel, but go ahead and judge for yourself.

A website called Irish Central claims to have a source in the police department - and, come on, it's New York, of course they do - detailing the city's cops disbelief with what the young star's security detail has on their hands, and even more, the fact that they think they're at all capable of dealing with it.

"Enough is enough," said a highly-placed official at Police Headquarters. "His security people aren't up to the task of keeping him safe, and they have no idea how to deal with the crowds this guy attracts." The source pointed to a well-publicized incident in which Pattinson ran from a crowd of admirers and was slightly injured when he was struck by a taxi.

"That's amateur hour," the police spokesman said. "We have celebrities a lot bigger than this guy who can come and go in perfect safety because we know how to take the right precautions. We have presidents and kings come and go. This poor kid can't get in or out of a car without things getting dangerous."

The post goes further into detail about how overwhelmed his current protection is, and how they don't know how to deal with the massive crowds that show up wherever he goes. Pattinson's also apparently fairly disturbed by the attention he attracts, which, besides being inconvient and scary, is also a source of embarrassment to him. And honestly, if I were followed by Twilight fans wherever I went, I'd be embarrassed, too. Pattinson's probably still cursing JK Rowling for (SPOILER ALERT) killing his character in the fourth film in the Harry Potter series. If only he could go back to a time more magical, less, uh, psychologically fraught with emotional peril.

Young Pattinson already hates the women of New York for trying to murder him. He tried buying one of his stalkers dinner, it didn't work. He stalkers have proven themselves to generally be sexually charged alcoholic ragers. It really is out of control. Yeah, he's a bankable movie star and fine as far as genetics go. But he seems to be an otherwise nice, normal guy who invokes the hidden sexual pathos (which then manifests into bloodthirst) of what might sometimes be fairly normal human beings. Until he does receive his police protection, he can go with the whole cross/garlic combo to stave off the bloodthirsty Spinsters In Training. Or at least get a stun gun.

'Twilight' star Pattinson may be in N.Y. Police Department's spotlight [Irish Central]

How's your spirit today? Is it acting "uncooperative"? Well, watch out cause you could get fired the way Twilight actress Rachelle Lefevre did! Starlets be warned, Summit studios is not down for your shitty moods or for your 10-day movie-shoot with the guy from Sideways. [Variety]

Great news for those of you eager to witness the country's proletariat fulfill their historic destiny by seizing control of the cultural means of production: leftist stalwart Howard Zinn and Hollywood hottie Matt Damon have signed on for an HBO series based on Zinn's book "A People's History of the United States." Eat a dick, capitalist-hegemon! [ THR ]

Billy Crudup's blue swinging wang has knocked Nic Cage's Knowing out of the top slot for DVD sales. Watchmen from Warner Home Video, has shot to the top of the national home video sales and rental charts its first week. [THR]

Who among you has the emotional veracity to stop giving Paul Haggis work? The Crash director is making a new movie with Russel Crowe called Three Days. It's a remake of the french flick Pour Elle about a wife who is imprisoned for a murder she claims she didn't commit and the husband devises a way to get her out. It's assumed Crowe will play the husband. [ THR ]

Jennifer Aniston will be in a new romantic comedy curiously named Pumas. Right. [ Variety ]

Spiderman director/longtime Orc Sam Rami has signed on to direct a live-action film based on the videogame World of Warcraft. For too long the Orc community has been slandered and stereotyped in the movies. Hopefully, Rami will foster greater diplomatic ties to the isolated Orc nation. [AP]

1. In the nerd equivalent of heaven, James Cameron and Peter Jackson attended their first Comic-Con, and did a panel together where they talk about the future of film-making and Jackson reveals that a script for The Hobbit, his Lord of the Rings prequel, will be finished in a month. [Zap2It]

2. Lost isn't known for parting with information easily, but they did have some good tidbits at their panel. Characters Juliet and Daniel Faraday will be back for the final season. Also in season six: no more time travel, the return of Charlie and Boone, the backstory for the enigmatic Richard Alpert, and some allusions to what may be alternate timelines. Damn, that shit makes our brain hurt. [EOnline]

3. Warner Bros. tried to roll out the new Patricia Heaton comedy The Middle at their Mom-A-Con. No one showed for the counter programming. Everyone said, "Mom, stop embarrasing me!" [THRFeed]

4. Hayden Panettiere is going to get some girl-on-girl action for the new season of Heroes. Yeah, cause that is what is going to fix this show. [io9]

5. Two scenes from the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon, were screened. Lots of girls screamed. [CelebrityCafe]

6. Iron Man 2 is going to fucking rule. Fans were excited by footage that shows Samuel L. Jackson's return as Nick Fury, Mickey Rourke playing new villain Whiplash, and a bunch of awesome special effects. Robert Downey Jr, director Jon Favreau, and new additions Scarlett Johannson (who plays sexy spy Black Widow) and Don Cheadle (replacing Terrence Howard) were all in attendance. That's either an A-List Comic-Con panel or a night at The Waverly Inn. [EW]

7. Ok, Iron Man gets two entries because the sequel is laying the foundation for Marvel's much anticipated (among comic geeks) Avengers movie (not the crappy Uma Thurmond one, this one has Captain American and shit). [EOnline]

8. We haven't seen the last of Battlestar Galactica, Edward James Olmos' career to continue. [io9]

9. You're probably not going to see Family Guy's "Abortion Episode," at least on the air, but it will probably be on DVD. What? Fox suddenly has standards? [LAT]

10. Alien invasion drama Vis back and the geeks love it. Is there anything left from the '80s for us to bring back? Alf, maybe? [THRFeed]

Surely you've heard about the notorious Twilight Riots of '08? An unruly girl-mob, outfitted in capes and uncomfortable training bras were forced to wait hours just to glimpse the fanged protagonist of a beloved vampire franchise AND THEN THEY WENT INSANE!

Well, those girls got tickets to Comic Con. And so did some varsity-level sci-fans anxious to see footage from James' Cameron's Avatar.

What is Avatar about? No one really knows! But what we do know (or at have at least heard) is that Cameron has rejected eight different versions of a promotional trailer. So the Sci-Fi enthusiasts (who generally carry the Y-chromosome) savage from their diet of Cheetos and Red Bull will be aggressively gobbling up all things Avatar. Should they get in the way of estrogen frenzied vamp girls, there will be mayhem. Or maybe a few less virgins and a few more future citizens of middle earth if you know what I mean! Hey-O! Either way, concern for the public's safety abounds.

Image via The Daily What

The Wall Street Journal does a little comparative study of the two franchises' marketing strategies, focusing mainly on the about-to-drop (squee!) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. See, there's a little romance in that book, and Twilight is all about romance, so is that vampire story's mega success responsible for the HP posters that front-and-center tout hot, hot teen wizard love? The producers say no!

"With all due respect to "Twilight," the longevity and world-wide success of the Harry Potter franchise speaks for itself," a studio representative said.

Ha. As it should be. Twilight is a blip on the cultural radar compared to the Harry Potter phenomenon—the provenance of chastely horny teenage girls and lonely, approaching middle age hobby LARPers, whereas Harry and Co. have the mass and broad appeal of a Da Vinci Code (only they're much, much better.) Though, if we're honest with our Potter-obsessed selves, it's hard to believe that the smoldering and yearning of Twilight—such catnip!—had nothing to do with the smoldering and yearning poster shown here.

The Twilight producers, for their part, are respectably cognizant of their big brother's long shadow:

"It's the only franchise that we ever pay attention to," says Rob Friedman, chief executive and co-chairman of Summit Entertainment. "We are very cognizant of where they are, and we've always been wary of being in too close proximity to ‘Harry Potter' because we know our fans cross over so much, and we definitely don't want to compete with ‘Harry' for attention."

Damn right. Wizard beats vampire, every time.

OK!
"$100 Million Or The Kids!" This is an eight page story, but the only "news" we learned is that IF Debbie Rowe doesn't try to get custody of Michael Jackson's kids, she COULD get $100 million. But! IF she does seek custody, she COULD get $50-$100 million to keep the kids in the style to which they are accustomed. Moving on: Just so you know, this is the "Summer Of K-Rod." Meaning Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez. Robert Pattinson is so stressed out by stalkery fans that he has "retreated into his own private world." This means the crew of Remember Me has "essentially stuck Rob in a box, constructing a seven-foot high enclosure from material screens where the actor retreats between takes." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston has a "high school crush" on Bradley Cooper. She's not worried by the fact that he recently went on a date with Renée Zellweger — a pal says: "It looks like Needy Edie is throwing herself all over him. We joke about how Renée's face stopped moving a few years ago. I doubt Jennifer will see her as competition."
Grade: F (bombed building full of rubble)

Life & Style
"It's Over!" If you believed that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were actually dating, then you may believe that he has dumped her for Emilie de Ravin. Though a Remember Me insider says: "I haven't seen any overt flirting between Robert and Emilie on the set." Yawn. The story titled "Britney's Revenge" has the subhead: "The singer's in the best shape of her life, while ex Kevin has packed on weight." "Michael's Worst Nightmare" is that the kids will have exposure to Joe Jackson. Except in the same damn paragraph, it says, "He's always been allowed to see his grandchildren." So the only cause for concern would be Joe exploiting the kids for financial gain, not that there's any evidence of that. Some "prominent" citizens of the city — including two Tulane professors — want Brad Pitt to be the new mayor of New Orleans. Will he run? Twelve days after going on a dinner date with Jennifer Aniston, Bradley Cooper went to dinner with Renée Zellweger (with whom he's working on a movie). There was no "Dr. Rey's Casebook" this week. Lastly, Rihanna tattooed her tattoo artist! The singer inked a tiny umbrella with an R on the handle for him and two other guys at the tattoo shop (Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (burned, charred house)

In Touch
"Explosive Tell-All Book" So. Ian Halperin, who's been writing an unauthorized biography of Michael Jackson for a while, is leaking all kinds of crap from his book. The book alleges that Michael liked having sex with men — not boys — and once picked up a construction worker in Las Vegas. There are also some weird pictures of Neverland— taken in 1993 — in which there are male mannequins posed in a room like they are talking to each other. Moving on: "Who Looks Better For Their Age?" Has John Mayer, Kristin Davis and Ellen Page as winners (Fig. 2). Did you know that Lourdes Got braces? (Fig. 3) Oh, look, our LEAST FAVORITE KIND OF STORY: "Cellulite Hits Stars Younger Than Ever!" Over six pages, the mag tries to shame Lauren Conrad, Hilary Duff, Jamie Lynn Spears and Mischa Barton for having dimples on their thighs. The mag talks to docs who blame cellulite on partying, having a baby, genetics and being thin (!!). Though one doctor says: "The thighs, butt and hips are genetically programmed to store fat." Groundbreaking. Angelina is "escaping" to France, where she will stay with the kids while Brad Pitt travels to Indonesia and Brazil for film projects. The mag spins this story as though Angie needs to spend time alone, instead of "Brad has work to do." Lastly: "Who Wore It Better? Kids' Special!" Seriously, they've got children competing for best dressed. And naturally, Suri Cruise wins her category (Fig. 4).
Grade: D (flooded home)

Star
"Inside Their Shattered World." This is by far, the sleaziest of the rags, with cover lines like "Who Will Be Our Mom?" and "Coroner: Michael Wanted To Die." A family friend says that the kids' isolated life has left them socially awkward, and they don't know how to act around anyone who is not family, a nanny or a bodyguard. Sometimes they even revert to infantile behavior like thumb-sucking or clinging to security blankets. A psychologist who does not treat them says, now that their father has died, "The kids could become very anxious and depressed." OBVIOUSLY. An eyewitness who was in the emergency room when Michael was brought in says that she overheard a female official from the coroner's office tell a cop: "The Jackson family strongly believes that Michael wanted to die. The family said he was very depressed for a long time, and they wanted to know what he used to kill himself." Ugh. Ugh! Then there's a quote from a "source" close to Michael, who says: "He wrote suicide notes, and then tore them up. He even kept one with him." His past as an abused child and his depression were what he discussed in the note. Allegedly. Moving on: Madonna and Guy Ritchie have reconnected over his support of her adoption of Mercy. "Flirt Alert!" Lance Bass and Dustin Lance Black — screenwriter of Milk — met in a VIP section of an NYC club. They talked! They danced! Dustin left at midnight; Lance "slipped out ten minutes later." Johnny Depp has a whole room in his London house devoted vampires, which he uses to relax, meditate and be alone. Oh snap: Miley Cyrus's best friend Mandy Jiroux is hooking up with Miley's ex Justin Gaston. Brad Pitt got an ultimatum from Angelina Jolie! An insider says that after his Moneyball shoot was canceled, "Angelina sat him down at the kitchen table and sternly told him, 'You must be with me this summer — it's not an option.'" She threatened to leave him if he said no, but Brad had an ultimatum of his own! He wants to settle down in one place, and can't stand the constant globe-trotting. Whatevs. Kate Gosselin wants her twins, Cara and Mady, to be the next Mary-Kate and Ashley. A rep for the Gosselins contacted a record label to talk about the possibility of the twins making a children's album. Kate wants them to have toys, clothing and TV shows. Did Anna Paquin and True Blood's Stephen Moyer hook up before he'd broken up with his girlfriend of seven years — who is also the mother of his child? He says he and Anna had chemistry from the start, and that they tried to keep things professional as long as they could, but it was "unstoppable." Lastly: Continuing with the sleaze, there's a story about a fight at Farrah Fawcett's funeral — Griffin O'Neal, who was banned from the ceremony, showed up anyway.
Grade: D+ (structure infiltrated by toxic mold)

Us
"Truth About His Kids." A friend of dermatologist Arnold Klein visited Michael and the kids Christmas 2008 — along with Arnold Klein and Carrie Fisher. The mag has the pictures to prove it! Arnold Klein and Carrie Fisher are friends, and Michael's kids love Star Wars, so Michael introduced her to his children as "Princess Leia." And she did the "help me Obi-Wan" speech for them! This magazine also claims that Debbie Rowe once admitted that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of his children — and didn't want to have biological kids — because he was afraid of giving them vitiligo. And Debbie Rowe said she married MJ "to prevent the taboo of having a child out of wedlock." A source says that Rowe knew MJ was a drug addict, but didn't care, as long as it didn't hurt the kids — but did want the nanny to be present 24 hours a day. There's also some weird stuff about the Nation of Islam and Michael Jackson's secret Nazi memorabilia. And! Another source says Michael was "as addicted to eBay as he was to drugs." He'd get high and stay up all night buying things. WHO DOESN'T? By the by, Debbie Rowe claims she slept with Brad Pitt before he was famous. And Michael Jackson was angry with Justin Timberlake because in 2001, they were staying at the same hotel, and JT was having "really loud sex" with then-girlfriend Britney Spears. Michael sent a security team to make them go quiet down. Diana Ross was "shocked" when she found out that she's named as back-up guardian in the will, because she thinks her kid-raising days are behind her. Sigh. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan turned down a role in The Hangover because she thought the script had "no potential." Or maybe she didn't want play a stripper. Again. Lastly: If you love sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson, you'll love these outtakes from a Rolling Stone shoot that never got published. A sampling? Sure! (Fig. 5)
Grade: C (termites in foundation)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Margaret assists in weathering the hazy climates in In Touch, Us Weekly, Life & Style, Star and OK!, below.

Before we get to the weeklies, we have to recommend this paragraph from an excellent piece in the Guardian:

Editorial meetings at celebrity magazines… may not always resemble those elsewhere. "You build the story around an emotion," says a celebrity weekly editor, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "What's happening with poor Jen this week? Well, John Mayer's seeing someone else, and for a woman of her age, that must be awful ... So you construct a narrative of what a woman her age may be feeling." Stories may start with nothing more than a set of photographs: Aniston looking happy, or sad - or happy one moment and sad the next, since if you take multiple shots of anyone, with a fast shutter speed, you can capture a range of expressions. "The question is: how can we construct a story around a set of emotions that our readers are going to relate to? It can come from a genuine tip, or a photo. Or it can come out of our ass."

You don't say?

Ok!
"Tempted By Another Woman!" Sigh. It's easy to see why this magazine is losing $450,00 a week. Nothing good here. Robert Pattinson and Emilie de Ravin filmed a kissing scene for Remember Me, and "after the cameras stopped rolling," Emilie "snuggled with him for at least 10 minutes." A source says, "you can tell it's more than work relationship." Also inside: Ashlee-Simpson-Wentz is on Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet. Mary-Kate Olsen tried to use her black Amex card in a dive bar. She told the bartender: "I don't know what to tell you, this is all I have." Lastly: Jennifer Aniston went out with "new man" Bradley Cooper. The restauranteur says: "They were two people coming in for dinner at 11 at night. You can figure out the rest." Wait, what? After-sex dinner? Before sex dinner? What are we meant to assume?!?!
Grade: F+ (hot, humid & very rainy)



Us
"Backstabbing, Lies & Fights" If you want to know more about The Real Housewives of New Jersey, you'll find this issue chock full of information. If you don't care, then this is not the mag for you! Notice how they cut off Teresa's pregnant belly on the cover? Here are sample tidbits: New mom Jacqueline says: "I am not friends with Danielle. She has not seen the baby, nor will I ever allow her to"; Dina and Danielle are not friends because of a financial dispute; Danielle says of the sex tape her boyfriend Steve is shopping: "I've been told by my attorney not to discuss that. But I can tell you one thing: It is unauthorized and it was taken with his cell phone." Okay. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan claims that her allegations about Justin Timberlake cheating came from someone hacking into her Twitter account. Uh-huh. Sure. Apparently the club owner who saw JT that night says he was only hanging with —and left with — guys. Mad Men's Christina Hendricks spills details about getting hitched to Geoffrey Arend in NYC on October 11: "We are doing a very small, very sweet simple wedding, so it's really been a pleasure." Lastly: Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper's "Hot Date Night" — they stayed quite late at Il Cantinori in NYC and "there was no show of emotion." But! A friend says: "Jen will never last with someone who doesn't drink. She loves her margarita Sundays." Another "friend" accuses her of setting the whole thing up for the paparazzi: "Instead of going out with a normal guy, she'll go after the hottest thing of the moment, because it will get her the most time in the spotlight. She knew paparazzi would be on them, and that it would be a huge story. She did the same thing with Vince and John. This was so set up."
Grade: D (sticky days of drenching rain)

Star
"Jen & Bradley: It's On!" More about the Cooper/Aniston date: An eyewitness says: "I went over to say hi to them, and noticed that they were holding hands under the table…" Bradley and Jen chatted to a waiter about his upcoming wedding and the spy says Jen make eye contact with Bradley and flashed a huge smile. OMG ALL WIMMINZ WANNA DO IS BE BRIDES. Next: Hot guys in glasses (Fig. 1). Blind item! "Which globe-trotting young hottie has been hiding a big secret in his entourage? No matter where he goes, the actor always makes sure to have his AA sponsor by his side." BREAKING: Tori Spelling has gained 12 lbs. Nick Cannon already has a tattoo of Mariah Carey's name on his back, but he wants a butterfly to remind him of his wife. And he wants it be "manly." Jon Gosselin is writing a "revenge tell-all book." He's halfway done with the manuscript and could get $10 million. Look for it in November! Jon wants to world to know that he thinks Kate's been sleeping with the bodyguard for months and rubbing the relationship in Jon's face. Also, Kate often "withheld" sex from Jon. Moving along: Jamie Lynn Spears, 18, went to a friend's bachelorette party in Florida and drank vodka and orange juice. Underage drinking scandal! But JLS kept things low-key. Also, in case you're wondering, JLS is "no longer in love" with her baby daddy, Casey Aldridge, and if they do ever get married, it'll be because her family is pressuring her.
Grade: D+ (humid, hazy days with no sign of rain)

Life & Style
"Why Angelina Is Hiding The Twins." This is not about her rack. Angelina's babies are suffering from serious digestive problems. Knox spits up every meal; Vivienne has food and environmental allergies and is on a lactose- and gluten-free diet, yet is still underweight. There's a sidebar called "Where The Twins Have Been Hiding," which is basically pictures of Angie and Brad's houses. In other words, they've been at home. SHOCKING! The homes are described as being "shrouded in secrecy," as an "Ultraprivate LA retreat," and "French fortress" would be. A friend says Britney Spears is not engaged and "the ring" is an old ring. Megan Fox is "torn between two guys," Shia LaBeouf and Brian Austin Green. "Can Jen Tame Her New Bad Boy?" Apparently Jennifer Aniston should watch out for Bradley Cooper. "He's slept with a lot of women," says an "L.A. partygoer." "A bunch of my friends say he's slept with them." This person also says "He's not a keeper." Bradley is also described as a "womanizer" and a "ladies' man." Next: "Is Emilie Dressing Like Kristen To Win Over Rob?" — because the only reason a woman would want to wear jeans and Chucks is to bone a sparkle vamp (Fig. 2). A "friend" says that Jon and Kate Gosselin's divorce "could get very ugly because so much money is at stake." Have you seen the woman who spent $220,000 to look like Britney Spears? This is your chance (Fig. 3)! Mariah Carey has spent $111,000 on a Cinderella-themed nursery in her Bel Air mansion. Is she pregnant? Does she know she is having a girl? Lastly, in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Which Star Has The Best-Shaped Butt?" Kristen Stewart's ass "doesn't jut out," so clearly she'd look great with Jessica Biel's "youthful and athletic" derriere (Fig. 4).
Grade: C- (humid, with drizzle)

In Touch
"Kate's Private Hell." It's not a public hell, it's a private hell, okay? The mag prints this sentence: "Her face a mask of pain, Kate walked alone to the edge of her driveway…" She spoke to a security guard, who walked her back to the house, and she started wiping tears from her eyes and yadda yadda yadda. This story is mostly told through the use of photographs with arrows and short captions like "Mady's sad." And "Jon has a pot belly." Boo. Here's a question: "Who looks Better For Their Age?" Losers include Carmen Electra, Kiefer Sutherland and Amy Winehouse (Fig. 5). Winehouse? Cheap shot. "Wow! Megan's A Brand New Woman" is a detailed photo journey of Megan Fox's plastic surgery (Fig. 6). Angelina cried at two different events for World Refugee Day, but this magazine says: "many suspect that her tears sprung from more personal troubles." She's not upset about fugee kids! She's upset about Brad, who is "burned out" by all the fighting. Angelina is "isolated" and "lonely" and she "regularly sobs." As for Jen Aniston, the paparazzi have nicknamed her "The Phantom," because she doesn't get photographed unless she wants to. So the snap of her date night with Bradley Cooper? No accident. A "pal" says she picked the restaurant because Brad Pitt likes it and she wanted to make him jealous. There are pictures of Robert Pattinson being "manhandled" by fans on the streets of New York, and he looks frazzled, paranoid and freaked out. Dr. Gila Carle, who does not treat the star, says: "I beg him to get therapy." Warning! Kate Hudson is a "Curse For Men." "Hudson's lovers have been plagued by problems" and the mag asks if she is a "bad-luck charm." Dr. Lisa Boeksy, who does not treat anyone involved, says: "Some women have an overly intense effect on men. Their beauty and charm are so intoxicating that men lose sight of everything else important." A story called "They Look Better With A Few Extra Pounds" includes Audrina, who went from "bony to beautiful," Mischa Barton, Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger and Teri Hatcher. Lastly: The best part about "What It's Really Like Dating A Star" are the multiple blind items. For instance: "An actor just had a baby with his girlfriend, but behind her back is having an affair with his fellow actor friend."
Grade: C- (intermittent showers)

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Related: The Brangelina Industry [Guardian]
Mag Bag: 'OK!' Loses $450K A Week [MediaPost]

Aw, all grown up. Little Sam Weir is little man now. Actor John Francis Daley, from Freaks & Geeks, has landed a writing deal with his partner Jonathan Goldstein. They'll pen Cal of the Wild, a comedy skewering outdoorsy reality shows like Survivor. The pair has sold two scripts in the past. Daley is 23. So, sorta grown up. [Variety]

Premiere dates for pretty much all the fall ABC series have been announced. Except for a few, one of which is America's favorite television program. I don't quite... I just don't quite know what we're going to do. If we don't know when it's coming back, won't the nation spin into chaos and discord? I mean, it's Private Practice for God's sake. We need its special brand of late-afternoon sexual snappiness. And we need it soon. [THR]

Oh, but there is a premiere date for the third season of some bullshit show called Mad Men. Who the hell cares about that garbage? In case you're a weirdo and you do, it's August 16th. Pah. Give us our Addison! [Variety]

Hard-boiled creator of The Shield Shawn Ryan has gotten the greenlight from FX on his new series, Terriers. The gritty crime drama will be about two small dogs, a Cairn and a Dandie Dinmont, who solve mysteries. At least I'm pretty sure that's what it's about. [THR]

Young stars on the rise Jesse Eisenberg and Michael Angarano are set to star in the film Ceremony, to be produced, written, and directed by Hollywood scions Jason Reitman and Max Winkler, the son of Henry. Everyone will stand around and talk about Audis, then try to all hit on the extra in the little jean shorts. [THR]

Mainstream weirdo Tim Burton will have a show at the MoMA in Manhattantowne starting in November. The exhibit will feature drawings, paintings, storyboards, various little sculptures, and other oddities. Sounds fun! [Variety]

When you think of films one would call visionary, do you think of a movie like the single-takes Nine Lives or the eerie stillness of something like Silent Light? Well, you're way off. You should be thinking of a movie like Twilight. That's a film of vision. And the Vision Awards in Hollywood will bestow that title upon that film in a ceremony coming very soon. I mean, they're also awarding Shonda Rhimes (give us our Addison!!!), so you know that it's really prestigious. [THR]

Fuuuck, man. This show sounds good. Martin Scorsese's Boardwalk Empire—about the early days of A.C.—has just cast The Wire's Michael Kenneth Williams as Chalky White, the mayor of Chickenbone Beach. Yes. [THR]

That these fans are rabid and crazed isn't exactly news. Twi-twinkers, or whatever they call themselves, are some of the most insane devotees out there. They're as fantastical and lost-in-the-clouds as Harry Potter followers, but they're also dangerously sexualized (chastely). It's a heady and potent plasma. Hell, Entertainment Weekly has built a whole wildly successful cottage industry out of the irksome phenomenon.

Which is all to say that even though we know these girls (and, yes, boys) are zealous, we had no idea just how bad it can get until we saw the above compilation video of some folks from around the world reacting—with ear-piercing abandon—to images of shirtless werewolves and sparklesuckers and frowny moon goddess girls and everything else that goes down (but doesn't, you know, go down) up in rainy Forks, WA.

Lower the volume on your speakers before viewing. Seriously.

Oh, and here's what they're all freaking out about. See if you can time why they're shrieking when! (Hint: shirtlessness).

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Oh dear God. Porcelain sex robot Chace Crawford will be Ren McCormack. Though Zac Efron was long ago maybe going to star in the upcoming Footloose, he backed out because, you know, no homo. So the Gossip Girl actor has now been cast and the whole movie has sprung a leak. [Variety]

Oh, good. The up-and-coming young actress Melissa Leo has been cast in David O. Russell's The Fighter, playing Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale's moms. [Variety]

Jackass Chris Pontius has just been called up to the artsy leagues. He'll play a role in auteur Sofia Coppola's new movie Somewhere. Playing the lead in that movie about a fried-out rock 'n roller living at the Chateau Marmont? None other than our old, long-lost friend Stephen Dorff. Good for him. Elle Fanning is also in it. So. [THR]

Lostie Matthew Fox has left ICM for the new mega-agency WME, forged in the volcanic fires of William Morris and Endeavor's god-like lovemaking. So hopefully for Fox this means less Speed Racer and Vantage Point and more, well... anything else. [Variety]

Good news for those of you helplessly addicted to those wonderful crystals, those glassy things that burn and smolder and give you energy and keep you up for hours, and are dangerous in that "I'm alive!" kind of way. No, Ricky your meth dealer hasn't figured out the science from Breaking Bad ("I want blue meth like the TV, and I want it now.") It's just that Robert Pattinson's sparkly vampire skin diamonds will be twinkling for a fourth Twilight movie. Aren't you happy? [THR]

Huh. Benjamin Bratt's dirge-like A&E drama The Cleaner has been picked up for a second season. So, well, that's nice. [Variety]

The lineup for Cannes has been announced, with only two American films entered into formal competition. Those would be Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds and Ang Lee's Taking Woodstock, which curiously stars mild comedian Dmitri Martin. Other movies, in and out of competition, that we're interested in: provocateur (with only middling success) Lars Von Trier's horror movie Antichrist, Terry Gilliam's Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, and a new creeper by Michael Haneke called The White Ribbion, an allegory about fascism set at a German boarding school in 1913. [Variety]

Naomi Odenkirk, who reps a bunch of SNL stars, and Marc Provissiero, who has repped many sitcom writers, have come together in a blessed Hollywood business marriage to form Odenkirk Provissiero Entertainment, a representation firm for funny people. So you hear that class clowns and Rude Mechanicals in college productions of Midsummer's everywhere? There is a place for you in California. [Variety]

Oh good. Speaking of comedy! Comic genius Cameron Diaz has signed on to play the lead in Bobbie Sue, about a "hard-charging female ambulance chaser" who becomes the face of a big firm that is being sued for sexual discrimination or something, so she probably learns a lesson about being a woman instead of chasing a paycheck and isn't that terrific. [Variety]

If you were to consider one actor the younger Dustin Hoffman, you would immediately think of James Marsden, right? Good. Director Rod Lurie agrees with you. He's just cast the Second Noah star in the Hoffman role in a remake of Straw Dogs. Instead of rural England, the new version will take place in the deep South. Hm. [THR]

The inevitable third Twilight movie, called 'Pire Walk With Me, has found a director. David Slade has experience with the vampire genre, as he directed the Josh Hartnett Alaskan boondoggle 30 Days of Night. Only in that movie the vampyrs ate your face off. In Vamps 3: Hardbodies, they just sparkle at you and refuse to boff. So, slight nuances. [THR]

Oh, fun. Director/writer Rian Johnson has posted the opening sequence from his new film The Brothers Bloom on Hulu. We lurved Brick and have been excited for this movie for some time. And the clip doesn't disappoint. [EW]