In a New York Times article that oozes with both astonishment and unbridled adoration, Bellafante explains that Ball and his team have gone above and beyond to create "an allegory for nearly every strain of tension in American life." The vampires are gays! Religious wing-nuts are taken to task! Unchecked sexual freedom, embodied in that witchy woman, Maryann, brings only soulless destruction.

Ah, yes, the fictional town of Bon Temps holds up a mirror to the nation and demands, "Look at yourselves!" And Bellafante's giving the nation the benefit of the doubt by assuming viewers get the message.

Wood sat down recently with renowned E! gossip queen Marc Malkin to discuss her role as Louisiana's renowned vampire queen, Sophia.

The 21-year old couldn't really say much, lest series creator Alan Ball smite her, but she did offer titillating hints that her character will bed another female and, possibly, a man.

She's not necessarily a lesbian.... Her human partner is a girl, but I'm pretty sure she goes both ways. I think vampires are like that in general.

Just as note: Wood once dated Marilyn Manson and made out with Mickey Rourke. And that's all we'll say....

The Good Stuff

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Weeds; June 8th, 10pm
Showtime's hit comedy, about Mary Louise Parker the suburban mommy pot dealer, regained any momentum it lost during the Albert Brooks period by shacking Nancy up with a deadly but lovable Mexican politician cum drug lord and deepening the stakes with a life-saving pregnancy plot twist at the very, very end of last season. Plus, Silas'll probably take his shirt off a lot more, and we might finally get to see where, if anywhere, the undeniable Nancy/Andy chemistry could lead. Almost as much summertime fun as just actually getting stoned.

Top Chef Masters; June 10th, 10pm
Basically the same thing as regular Top Chef, except with food world superstars rather than wannabes. You won't get the same disaster quotient you get on the o.g. version, but that's probably actually a good thing. Bravo's once proud (and dwindling) fleet of competition series have begun relying too heavily on wackadoo personalities rather than on talent, so maybe this is the ideal corrective. Sure they may have out-there, annoying personalities, but we're pretty much guaranteed they're all gonna be competent.

True Blood; June 14th, 9pm
HBO's kitschy vampire series started off wildly uneven last season, veering from scary-sexy to scary-stupid in the middle of episodes. But it eventually found its deep-fried Southern Gothic stride, with clever storytelling and ever-deepening characters gushing out of every orifice. And, yes, Anna Paquin is ungodly annoying, thus rendering the show's central relationship something of a bore, but she's more than made up for by the dangerously sexy Ryan Kwanten, the filthy-fascinating Nelsan Ellis, and the as-yet-unexplored-but-still-intriguing lesbodrone that is Michelle Forbes. As entertaining a show as one could want during the hot 'n sticky months. [See Ed. note below]

Mad Men; August sometime, 10pm
AMC has two of the best shows on television right now, and this is their flagship (the other is the fabulous Breaking Bad). When we last left the worried Don Draper, he was staring down dual abysses—his swiftly unknotting past, and the disappearing of everything the late 1950s promised the 60s would be. Poor Betty has problems of her own to deal with (oh dear, a baby), and of course there's that whole Pete/Peggy thing (oh dear, a baby), and the unsettling matter of Joan's rape. Not exactly light summer fare any of it, but compelling, beautifully detailed, oddly menacing capital a Art nonetheless.

The Maybes

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Nurse Jackie; June 8th, 10:30pm
The first episode Showtime's new Edie Falco vehicle is actually already on demand, and we gave it a watch last night. While Edie Falco (who plays the acidic-yet-warm, painkiller-addicted title nurse) could basically recite tax code and make us swoon, we're not so sure about everything around her. Medical shows are really hard to make original at this point, no matter how many gratuitous swear words and sex references you throw into the pot. Peter Facinelli's Dr. Asshole is basically a (slightly) grownup version of the Asshole he played so many years ago in Can't Hardly Wait and the good-lookin' Haaz Sleiman couldn't really find his way through the dense thicket of ooh-snap girlfriend gay stuff the writers gave him in the pilot. Points, though, go to theater goddess Eve Best and sadsack Merritt Wever for handling their barely sketched-out roles with aplomb. We'll keep watching for now, but we're cautious.

Hung; June 28th, 10pm
HBO's show about a man (The Sweetest Thing's vaguely annoying Thomas Jane) who has an enormous penis and becomes gigolo has a great supporting cast (including the underrated Anne Heche and the vastly underused Jane Adams), but that premise... If it's funny/sad, we're into it. If it's funny/gross, we didn't like Californication the first time, so why would we like it grosser?

10 Things I Hate About You; July 7th, 8pm
We love ABC Family for Greek, but hate it for The Secret Life of the American Teenager. So we're not really sure where the hell we fall on 10 Things. The movie on which it's based was a tart little surprise of a teen flick, but the small screen cast seems, frankly, nowhere near as attractive or interesting as a lineup of Heath Ledger, Joe Gordon-Levitt, Gabrielle Union, and Alex Mack. That Larry Miller stuck around to keep playing the overprotective dad of Kat and Bianca (yes, like in Taming of the Shrew) might indicate that there's some quality poking through the formula holes. We're curious to find out for sure.

For When Our Brains Are Mush

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.NYC Prep; June 23rd, 10pm
The Bravo show is this. Just spoiled rich New York City kids—the real-life Gossip Girls. It'll probably make you want to drink, so good thing it's summer and that's when drinking is forgiven, even encouraged. So pour that wine into a big ol' tumbler full of ice and sip deep. Or shallow. You know.

The Real World: Cancun; June 24th 10pm
Yes, it's happening. MTV has decided to sacrifice seven not-at-all-virgins to appease vengeful Montezuma. They'll go wandering through the jungles of the urban Yucatan, figuring out what happens when people stop being polite and start vomiting body shots into each other's belly buttons. Bad boy rocker Joey (from fuckin' Lawrence, Mass kid) and contest-winner Ayiiia (yes, three i's) are stone fox boombalotties, plus there's lots of weeping in the trailer, so... sigh. We're stoked, dude.

Wipeout; Wednesdays at 8pm
People falling down was pretty funny last summer. We're hoping the charm hasn't worn off. Don't fail us, ABC.

OK, that's it. The Boston Globe has an easy list of everything else. So go! Watch TV and have fun and enjoy the silly summer pleasures. But also be sure to get outside once in a while and experience all that the sweltering season has to offer. Like, um... Drinking outside. Or drinking on the beach. Those are sort of the same things, huh?

Oh well.

Editor's note: True Blood, like other TV shows (even some mentioned in this very post!), is a Gawker advertiser. Their campaign, though, includes sponsored posts via Bloodcopy.com, which when it was introduced generated some discussion in the media about media. So here is the boring disclosure: Those Bloodcopy posts are written by the advertising department. Editorial posts are written independent of who advertises; we might endorse, trash or simply ignore TV shows that happen to advertise. And that's why you keep a bright line separating the editorial and advertising in the first place, kids.

Top pic via Getty

Yes, it seems vampires aren't the only supernatural B-movie entities the population of Bon Temps has to mingle with on a regular basis. Sam was kind enough to lay out the shapeshifting rules:

1. He can turn into any animal, but leans towards dogs, because everyone loves a dog.
2. He needs an actual animal to use as the shapeshifting blueprint.
3. He can't do humans—too complex.
4. He can usually control the impulse, except on a full-moon night, at which point he can only turn back into a human once he falls asleep.
5. But that DOESN'T make him a werewolf—got it? But yes, werewolves do exist.
6. There's several thousand other shapeshifters out there, but he hasn't found them, and he doesn't know if it runs in genealogy because he was adopted. (And abandoned.)

That still leaves a lot of questions unanswered: Should you feed your shapeshifter gluten-free kibble? What do you do if your shapeshifter doesn't get along well with other shapeshifters at the shapeshifter run? With only two episodes left, we doubt we'll learn everything there is to know about the ductile species. In the meantime, enjoy the above montage of Sam doing what he does best. Good boy! Attaboy, Sam! Whozagooboy? Yes you are!

• True Blood [HBO]

SUNDAY

Mad Men: Hurts So Good
The Lowdown: A drama produced by Sopranos alum Matthew Wiener, Mad Men, now in its second season, is a detailed look at the Madison Avenue ad world of the early 1960's and the lives in its orbit.
What People Will Say: "Not as good as the first season." "Too slow." "Too sad." "I don't get it." "Who cares about their families, let's show more fucking." Similar stuff to the Sopranos detractors who foolishly didn't like the show as much when it went on a more philosophical bent toward the end of its run.
What You Should Say: "It's still great! I'm sick of people crying shark-jumping too soon." Yes it is unbearably sad some (most) of the time, but it's a show that is more profoundly About Something than most movies today, let alone television. The over-analysis on blogs and whatnot is getting to be a bit much (heh), but the show itself is a beguiling and slightly off-center work of art.
[Returning. 10pm, AMC, Airing now]

True Blood: Six Feet Over
The Lowdown: Doing some direct Dexter competition with his former Six Feet Under star Michael C. Hall, creator Alan Ball brings us a dark and bloody Southern Gothic vampire tale.
What People Will Say: "It's so dark and hip and cool and totally warped man."
What You Should Say: Well, we're not exactly sure yet. Its relentless advertising has gotten a bit tiresome, but the pedigree is certainly there. Though, even if you never read a review, you can definitely say "Anna Paquin is annoying" with assurance.
[New. 9pm, HBO, Sept. 7]

MONDAY

Gossip Girl: It's Hip! And Annoying!
The Lowdown: We don't talk about it much on the site, I mean not as much as we like breathe or blink or whatever, but it is on our minds from time to time. Basically it's a series about rich New York City kids—some of them girls, some of them gay—who do fake-bad things like do drugs and have sex.
What People Will Say: "It's crap!" "It's garbage!" "It's silly and/or offensive!" Or: "It's silly/offensive crap garbage that's a wicked guilty pleasure." The former assessments come from Philistines with no sense of joy. The latter, from people who think they get the joke but don't.
What You Should Say: "Fuck off, there's nothing guilty about it. I'm just keeping up with the times." Yes the show is not "well made" all the time, and yes it features the acting stylings of a glorified sex robot, but it's also trendy and au courant and it's what the kids (well, a few million of them) are watching. And there's no shame in that. Why curl up into a Havishamish ball and let the bright world forget you? Stay with it! "Plus, Blair's fashions are totes fun to gawp at."
[Returning. 8pm, The CW, Sept. 1]

The Hills: Zombies Are Scary
The Lowdown: Dim, cork-filled Angelenos wander around sun-dappled real estate, letting their blithe spirits mash up against each other in this MTV reality Gymnopédie.
What People Will Say: "Vapid, gutless trash. Won't someone please think of the children???" Or, again, "GUILTEE PLEAZURR!!1!"
What You Should Say: Similar to the Gossip Girl angle, except you could add a little dash of social studies revolutionary spice to it. "I have to know my enemy in order to destroy it." That kind of thing. You should be careful to note Lo's bitchiness and either think it's kicky good fun or despise it. Also, any time you are asked who your favorite character is, there are only two acceptable answers: Whitney (bovine, out to lunch, sad, enigmatic) or Doug (his grandfather invented frozen burritos or something.)
[Returning, unfortunately. 10pm, MTV, airing now]

TUESDAY

90210: Out With the Old, In With the Ew
The Lowdown: Another CW teen bitch fest, this one is a "reimagining" of the seminal 90's series about the rich and troubled kids of West Beverly (Hills) High.
What People Will Say: "My cherished memories are tarnished!" Or, "How could this be done to us, wasn't the first one bad enough??" Other Nancy Naysayer stuff like that.
What You Should Say: "It could be interesting to see if this is what bursts the teen bubble." It could go either way. 90210 might hook its star to Gossip Girl's (admittedly wobbly-wheeled) wagon and find some buzzy success, or it could be a terrific flop. Also say things like "Shenae Grimes was only so-so on Degrassi," if you want to horrify and yet strangely intrigue potential mates. Also throw in a "I can't believe Jessica Walter agreed to be on it, though! How's that Arrested Development movie coming along anyway?"
[New. 9pm, The CW, Sept. 2]

Fringe: What?
The Lowdown: It's the X-Files as done by Alias and Lost wunderkind J.J. Abrams.
What People Will Say: "Look, Joshua Jackson isn't dead."
What You Should Say: "My face hurts."
[New. 9pm, Fox, Sept. 9]

WEDNESDAY

Top Design: Now Oldham Free!
The Lowdown: This is the second season of the Jonathan Adler-related interior design competition show. The first season was bizarre and off-tone, but now those, um, magical Magical Elves are taking the reins so there may be hope.
What People Will Say: "There is too much of this reality stuff, I am so tired of this." "'See you later, decorator' is a terrible catchphrase."
What You Should Say: "I agree, care for a refresher on that Tom Collins?"
[Returning, sort of. 10pm, Bravo, Sept. 3]

America's Next Top Model: Why We Can't Have Nice TV
The Lowdown: This is the worst television show ever made. Tyra Banks is a monster.
What People Will Say: "It's so bitchy and trashy and fun! Tyra's fierce in a hilarious way."
What You Should Say: "This is the worst television show ever made. Tyra Banks is a monster. My face hurts. Oh, but, how's that tranny doing?"
[Returning, endlessly. 8pm, The CW, Sept. 3]

THURSDAY

Kath & Kim: The Dingo Ate My Good Show
The Lowdown: An import of a classic Australian sitcom, Kath & Kim stars two likable actresses (Molly Shannon and Selma Blair) behaving badly and mugging for the camera. Part of NBC's continued efforts to reinstate a Thursday night "Must See TV" comedy block.
What People Will Say: "Oh, rubbish. This is nowhere near as good my precious, precious foreign version." Or, "I don't get it. Where are the men?"
What You Should Say: "I will watch for Molly Shannon, because she is wonderful and deserves a huge career and lots of awards. Plus it will be interesting to see how NBC fares, given all the trouble surrounding this show." Or, "Hush up about your damn foreign shows, this is AMERICA. Don't tread on it or leave it, buster."
[New. 9:30pm, NBC, Oct. 9th]

30 Rock & The Office: Yes, Please
The Lowdown: Two exquisitely funny shows, both ended with bang-up finales. Michael is a daddy, sort of! Dwight and Angela! Jim and Pam! Liz Lemon wants a baby!
What People Will Say: Inevitably, I'm sure: "They've jumped the shark, no one cares about ____'s plotline." (Specifically for The Office.) Everything was so much better before."
What You Should Say: "Cram it with walnuts, ugly. The Office was good as it's ever been last season, and 30 Rock is so stupendously brilliant it makes, well, my face hurt. Tracy Morgan for president."
[Returning. 8:30 & 9pm, NBC, '30' Oct. 30th (ugh!) 'Office' Sept. 25]

FRIDAY & SATURDAY
Get the hell out of the house.

• New One-Sheet for Jennifer's Body [ComingSoon.net]

Both Twilight and True Blood have a very similar Romeo and Juliet-like couple at the center of their story lines — as you (should!) know by now, Twilight's main focus is on the doomed romance between the impossibly gorgeous vampire Edward and nerdy mere mortal Bella, while TB stars equally titillating Stephen Moyer as the bad boy blood-luster and Anna Paquin as the frumpy waitress who falls for him. While Twilight lacks a single marquee name, Ball's show not only scored Paquin, but recently added Alexander Skarsgard to the cast, son of Swedish sexpot Stellan. And Alan Ball isn't afraid of letting his cockiness show — in an interview with THR's blog, the Six Feet Under vet and king of quirky cool dismissed all those other silly vampire shows (all of which, like Buffy, were far from flops) by saying, "I think it's pretty lame when you let your vampire go out during the day just because you don't want to shoot at night."

Plus, Ball has the advantage of debuting TB in September, while Twilight isn't scheduled to hit theaters until December. But we think Ball's balls are a wee bit heftier than they should be when it comes to giving competitors the finger. Even if EW got it all wrong by depicting Twilight's leads as pale, hairy, and "too seductive" for innocent tweenybops' taste, sex sells. And Paquin, adorable as she is, just can't compete with the nubile allure of Twilight's memorably sultry trailer when it comes to pitching trouser tents.

• EW'S 'TWILIGHT' COVER BACKLASH [LAT]
• 'TRUE BLOOD' V. 'MOONLIGHT' [THR]