1) Transformers: Rise of the Fallen — $112 million
Well, actually, the damn thing grossed $200 million over its five-day opening weekend, making it the second biggest five-day haul ever, after last summer's The Dark Knight brooded through the box office. While the film doing well isn't a surprise in the least, the film doing this well is, um.... OK, not a surprise either. It has giant smashy robots! And pyramids! And, oh who the fuck cares about anything else, it has Megan Fox running and running and running and bouncing and running. Her hypnotic jiggles lulled the first Wednesday audiences into a stupor, compelling them to buy ticket after ticket after ticket this weekend. Actually, only about 500 people saw the damn thing nationwide. She's just that good.

2) The Proposal — $18.5 million
Girl, do they love them some Sandra Bullock! Holding on strongly with a mere 40% decline, this romantic comedy (with the emphasis, as is the case with most Bullock pictures, on comedy) has racked up a tidy little $69 million in just two weeks, which means it ought to teeter over the $100 million by the end of its run. Easily, perhaps. Good news for everyone involved, but most of all for Mary Steenburgen. Because why the hell not. She's just swell. Melvin & Howard 2, anyone?

3) The Hangover — $17.2 million
Naturally, the Hangover comes after the Proposal. But not too much after! As America stumbles its drunken way through yet another boozed-up summer (drinking outside = A. the reason man exists B. simply the best thing ever C. yes) they've turned to this wackadoo comedy to get the shakes off by shaking with laughter. Because he's weird in a funny way, we bet Zach Galifianakis is taking a bath in money right now. Ed Helms is probably just sitting on his porch in a rocking chair, whistling. And Bradley Cooper? Well, Bradley Cooper is probably on some sailboat right now, knee-deep in strange, writing love letters to his oft-beleaguered agent.

4) Up — $13 million
Because the little ones will get scared by giant robots chasing giant mammaries, confused by naked 45-year-old ladies chasing naked 32-year-old Canadians, and scarred by Mike Tyson chasing middle-aged men around Las Vegas, there had to be something else for them this weekend. Luckily Up has drifted through the box office for the past few weeks, collecting some $250 million in coins on its way. While children might end up being frightened of and made ponderous by the film's melancholic portrayal of the pains of life and loss, well pretty soon they're going to feel that every day of their lives, so they might as well get used to it in 3D animated form, dammit.

5) My Sister's Keeper — $12 million
This was the weekend's other "big" opener, a Jodi Piccoult weeper starring the strangely-cast Cameron Diaz and Jason Patric. Oh, plus Alec Baldwin, Abigail Breslin, the kid from Sarah Connor, and some other girl. It's about disease and dying and family and responsibility. But mostly it is about weeping. Yes, weeping in offices, weeping in cars, weeping at dinner tables, weeping in bedrooms, weeping with your arms outstretched as you ride a bicycle or something, weeping as you hug someone, weeping as you don't hug someone, weeping while on the can, weeping while not on the can, weeping for the future, weeping for the past, weeping for the ticket prices, weeping for the always-awkward moment when everyone has to shuffle out of the theater at the end of a sad movie (how are you supposed to act? so awkward!), weeping for pretty much everything there ever was. Mostly, weeping for yourself.

The spot now makes little to no sense in glorious HD — polished sound, picture and Shia. The product placement is sharper, and when Megan Fox shrieks, it's just like the night before she slapped us with our restraining order. It's uncanny. And anyway, if Bay doesn't deserve at least three minutes of your consideration on President's Day, we really don't know who does. Enjoy! Again!

• 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen' - Official HD Trailer [YouTube]

Wisely eschewing unecessary distractions like dialogue, a voice of God announcer, and even a rap-metal soundtrack, masterly blowshituplogist and giantfuckingrobotician Michael Bay opts instead to paint stunning large-scale tableaux of Decepticon-reaped destruction, set to atmospheric metallic/windy/echo sounds.

Before fanboys worldwide crap their size 44 cargo pants in anticipation, we can offer some modest relief with news that the release date has been pushed up two days, to June 24. That's a Wednesday—you don't stop, you don't hide, you run. You hear what we're saying?

• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Official Site