Ok!
"Real Sizes Revealed."
Guess what? Most stars are thin! Between a size 0 and size 4. The highest dress size number on this spread is a 6/8: Mariah Carey. Brooke Shields wears a jean size 29. Really hard-hitting stuff. Moving on: Jessica Biel is threatening to break up with Justin Timberlake; she was overheard saying on a phone, "I'm sick and tired of his bullshit." Although she could have been talking about her agent, or a dog. Anyway, Justin "craves guy time" and is "constantly flirting." There are two pages on Bethenny from Real Housewives, who wears a bikini and talks about her diet book. Lastly, Tim Gunn is photographed with his pants down (Fig 1). It's sort of adorable, and due to his avuncular demeanor, it's also sort of weird. He says: "I haven't been on a date in 26 years." Awww. But then he says: "It might sound selfish, but I am very happy being alone."
Grade: F, upgraded to F+ for Tim Gunn (broken locks)

Life & Style
"Thin By Summer!" Margaret skipped this story but did see pictures of chicken on a plate and a person working out, so she deduces that much like ALL OTHER diet stories, this one advocates eating healthy and exercising. Moving on: "Lindsay's Back To Boys," since she hooked up with some dude named Chris Jepson at a house party in L.A. He works as a manager at Bungalow 8 in London. At the party in Hollywood, the two "disappeared into the bathroom" for 45 minutes. People were knocking on the door! LL reportedly told Mel B. that she's "back on men." The mag asks, "was she ever really into girls in the first place?" A psychologist who does not treat her explains that bisexuality means you can sometimes like dudes and sometimes like chicks. Jennifer Aniston is "holed up in her hotel" in NY because she's afraid of running into Angelina Jolie on the street or in restaurants. The mag copy reads: "Making matters worse, Jen was still dating John Mayer at the Oscars, but now she's single, and running into Angie would only rub salt in her wounds." Also in the article: "The bottom line is, she's pretty lonely." A four page story addresses the burning question: "Is Robert [Pattinson] The Sexiest Man On Earth?" There are diagrams, quotes and arrows pointing to the sparkly vampire's "soulful eyes." 90210 star Kellan Lutz says: "Rob is Edward. He's so complicated, so poetic, so sensual." What else? In a two page interview with Real Housewives Jill Zarin about her breast-reduction surgery, she says "I wanted to go public with my story to show women that there is no shame in wanting to look and feel your best, as long as it's done safely." Bless you! This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Hands In Hollywood?" Rosario Dawson, 29, has "flawless, young-looking" hands. Dr. Rey says, "She probably uses a good skin cream, like Dr. Rey's Well-In-Hand." And, in a horrifying display of Frankenstein-like Photoshop, Sarah Jessica Parker is given Reese Witherspoon's hands (Fig 2).
Grade: D- (missing knob)

Star
"Rehab For Tori!" Candy Spelling says she'd be willing to pay for Tori to get treatment for anorexia. Tori has said that she is not anorexic, but that, like many busy moms, she tends to just pick food off the plate of her kid. The mag adds up the value of bits and scraps of food and comes up with 130 calories. A nutritionist who does not treat her says "If Tori is only eating 130 calories, then she is definitely not consuming enough." Really? Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are "drifting apart." Jess wants to get hitched and start a family; Justin likes things the way they are. Someone overheard Alicia Silverstone talking to Amy Heckerling and so there might be a sequel to Clueless. Blind item: "Which TV starlet is really on the rebound? She's got a new body, a new gig and even a new guy. The only problem is, he's married. She makes a show of partying solo as a distraction." Moving on: John Mayer is dating a model, Scheana Marie Jancan. There are six pages of "Stars Without Makeup" and bitchy blurbs like this: "When Miley goes out minus her red carpet war paint, she looks just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teenage girl." Britney and Kevin had a "talk" about having more babies together. Her idea. She's "seriously considering" their future together. She wants to have more kids before she gets too old so she can "relate" to them. In Brad and Angelina news, when he came back from France, he brought home an antique rocking chair and a Cartier ring for Angie: "Pre-push presents." Rihanna's best friend Melissa never liked Chris Brown and was the one who urged RiRi to stay away. But! She also urged Rihanna not to appear on Oprah and talk about domestic violence. Lastly: Star uses its art department muscle and creates a photo composite of what Susah Boyle would look like if she had a makeover [Fig 3].
Grade: D (rusted, squeaky hinges)

Us
"We're Having Baby No. 4"
Heidi Klum and Seal are expecting! Do they want a girl? "We would be happy with either, but it would be a lie if I said we all weren't hoping for a little girl. Especially Leni, because she would love to have a little sister." Also, Heidi says of Seal: "I knew right away he was my dream husband." There are six pages of awesome quotes and pictures and info about how the kids wear hand-me-downs. Next: "Would You Let Chris Brown Hold Your Baby?" Well, 67% of readers said No [Fig. 4]. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal went to Coachella and were spotted hugging and singing along to the music, yawn. Lastly, you may not know this, but Beyoncé, Amy Winehouse and Juliette Lewis consider Urkel fashion inspiration [Fig 5].
Grade: D+ (high threshold)

In Touch
"Brad Moves Out." This cover is not to be confused with last August's "Brad Storms Out" or May 2008's "Brad Walks Away." [Fig. 6] This particular story is vague about what Angelina and Brad were fighting about, and the fact that he left the house and went to France to check on renovations — and then came back — proves nothing. Also inside: In a picture of Mariah Carey looking curvy, a trainer who does not work with her estimates that she weighs 175 lbs. An insider says "She is going crazy trying to slim down. She looks at old pictures and compares her weight and talks about her body nonstop." Sounds healthy! Also, Oprah's straight hair is making her look thinner. Another fake wedding for Heidi and Spencer? It's supposed to happen this weekend in Pasadena. A source says, "It's just a plot line, they're not really getting married." It's happening in a church that's also a "closed set" and The Hills cast will attend. The producers want Lauren to "do something dramatic." A "pal" says of Speidi, "They would have a fake baby if people would watch them on TV." Did you know that Gavin Rossdale had a relationship with a dude in the past? The gentleman in question is a rocker known as Marilyn [Fig. 7]. Marilyn says of Gavin: "He was the love of my life. We were together 5 years, but it felt like 40." Then there are a smattering of pictures Marilyn looking like Gwen Stefani [Fig. 8] Evidence points to the fact that Gavin and Marilyn are friends. Katie Holmes is one step closer to her "baby dream" because there is a picture of her holding her stomach. In Nadya Suleman news, the mother of octuplets was indeed a stripper for at least a year in her early 20s and "enjoyed the experience a lot." She got fired from some bar because she kept breaking the "no touching" rule. But! Before that, she did private parties and was known as "the closer," the one who would do "special favors" for the men — beyond lap dancing or even touching. The mag prints a signed contract from the club, and — get this — Suleman's stripper name was Angelina. Next: Kevin Federline might get paid to lose weight, as he's been offered a deal with NutriSystem. Jennifer Love Hewitt says, "I always takes bubble baths wearing a tiara. I am a grown-up who bathes in a tiara! One that I got from Disneyland." Lastly, how do you top pictures of horses with hairdos [Fig. 9]? All in all, good stuff, except for the stoopid fake cover story.
Grade: C (ripped screen)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7

Fig. 8

Fig. 9

Tori maintained that she didn't want a relationship with her mom, and said that if she did, it would be handled privately. Candy Spelling will be on The View next week. She hates handling anything privately, and will surely be talking all about this with the gals. If you haven't check out her website, you really should. It's an amazing display of self-involvement crossed with total lack of self-awareness.

If you want the truth ... you probably shouldn't check out In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. But nevertheless, we continue our weekly quest for real gossip below.



Ok!
WEDDING NEWS! For years, Angelina Jolie has taken on the bulk of the responsibility with the kids, but now that she's been spending so much time away from home taking on humanitarian and film projects, Brad Pitt feels like he's a single dad. "He wants to get married before they have any more babies - and that mean getting pregnant or adopting," says a source. "He needs to know Angie is really committed to him," a friend adds. "Becoming Mrs. Pitt would give him the answer." In other fake news, Jennifer Aniston wants to adopt a baby girl because she loves the relationship Courteney Cox has with her daughter Coco and breaking up with John Mayer has "sidelined the idea of getting pregnant." Lastly, Britney's fighting to win Kevin back. Though she kissed an unnamed dancer during a dinner with members of her tour and then spent nine minutes in the bathroom with him while her bodyguards blocked the door, she's only hooking up with the dancer to make Kevin jealous. "If she wants Kevin back, she better move fast," says a Federline source. "Kevin's track record is to get every girl he falls for pregnant, and he wastes no time."
Grade: F (Favorite show gets cancelled)

Us
Here's the "diet secret" that keeps the ladies of Dancing With the Stars so svelte: DANCE FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY. Moving on: "Octomom, The Nannies Tell All" gives more detail about why the Angels in Waiting nurses clashed with Nadya Suleman. Representatives from the organization claim that she was tipping off the media, that cameramen were telling nurses to "get out of the shot" while they were trying to care for the babies, and that there is no security in the home and anyone can just walk in. They say Nadya was always shopping, only took care of the babies when the cameras were on, and didn't bathe one baby for days. In other news, Bridget Moynahan isn't amused by Gisele Bundchen's comment regarding her son Jack in Vanity Fair. Gisele said, "It's not like because somebody else delivered him that's not my child." Bridget and her friends are "in shock" since she's never met Gisele and a source says, "Gisele parades that kid for the pararazzi to show she's a family person." Stevie Nicks makes fun of some of her worst looks ever. (Fig. 1) Next: Us is calling out all of the other tabloids for recently running cover stories that weren't true. For the record, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't breaking up, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer weren't trying to conceive a baby, and Rihanna and Chris Brown did not have a secret wedding. They also show how OK! Photoshopped two pictures together to make it look like Suri and Shiloh were having a play date. A Jolie-Pitt source says, "Angelina has never met Suri, nor is Shiloh her new best friend. Actually, Shiloh's real best friend, Zahara, would be upset to hear that!" In closing, John Mayer insulted Jennifer Aniston on a five-day cruise with his fans aboard the "Mayercraft Carrier 2." He debuted a song about an anonymous needy lover, and admitted to making out with Jen's "nemesis" by which the mag means Perez Hilton. "Fuck yeah, I made out with Perez," Mayer told the crowd, "I just wanted to prove that I'm a sicker fuck than he is. I'll [have sex with him] until he runs away screaming just to prove a point."
Grade: D- (Favorite character diagnosed with brain tumor)

Life & Style
"Twilight Fight!" claims that Robert Pattinson is intimidated by the set of younger, buffer actors playing werewolves in New Moon. No actual fisticuffs have ensued, but they've been telling the press that Rob is smelly and Ryan Seacrest told one of the new stars, Kellan Lutz, "Rob is the lead,m but you're the better-looking Cullen." Also, Kristen Stewart is friends with Taylor Lautner, so the mags are going to say she's cheating on her boyfriend with him now instead of Rob. Moving on: Angelina is on an extreme diet. On the set of Salt she had her assistant put a single small salted pretzel on a plate and bring it to her for a snack. Sources on the crew haven't seen her eating much else. It's not the first time she's done this. "Angelina calls it 'movie dieting'" says a friend. "She likes the way she looks on-screen when she's slim and angular." Jessica Alba won't eat white food. Anything with sugar or flour isn't allowed in the house. "Jamie Kennedy: How he scored his dream girl" never exactly says that Jennifer Love Hewitt is out of his league, but the accompanying graphic of other normal looking guys and their hotter ladies gets the message across (Fig. 2) There's more on Nadya Suleman's alleged lack of parenting skills. Angels in Waiting lawyer Gloria Allred says, "The babies appeared to be treated as props after their feedings." As for the older kids, an insider says, "They run around in the same dirty clothes, underwear, and socks for days at a time. And when Nadya gets overwhelmed, she locks herself in a closet and talks on the phone." Britney Spears' dad is angry about her leaked phone message. "He was considering ending the conservatorship when she wrapped her tour, but now he may change his mind," says an insider, "He's freaked that Britney will stop paying him and kick him to the curb." Paris Hilton has dumped her BFF, Brittany Flickinger, who she found on a reality show. "All that girl wanted was the free trips, the goodie bags, staying at Paris' mansion and the parties and clubs. She was desperate for money," says a source. "She was another one of these girls using Paris to get famous." In Dr. Rey's casebook the bad doctor is once again using the fine film Face/Off as the inspiration for "Who has the most flawless face?" This time, Cameron Diaz would look would look better with Gwyneth Paltrow's skin grafted onto her face. (Fig. 3)
Grade: D (Lead actor leaves to make a movie)

Star
"Tori anorexic? 98lbs." Of course the personal trainer who estimated her weight doesn't treat Tori. Candy Spelling has written a tell-all book called Stories from Candyland in retaliation for her daughter's tell-all book, sTori Telling and Tori's so upset she can't eat. "Tori's so stressed over her mom's new book, she has no appetite but is still exercising every day. Her friends are all worried that she may be anorexic. She's now down to a size zero," says a source. But if Spelling is trying to get back at her estranged mother, it's not working. "Candy actually thinks Tori looks good like this," says a source. "She always told her daughter it's best to be thin." Blind item: Which smack-talking rapper is very in touch with his feminine side? During a recent trop to Vegas, he got a luxe mani-pedi at Michael Boychuk's AMP Salon in the Palms hotel. And when he hit Cirque du Soleil's O, he wore a huge afro wig! At least his girlfriend didn't seem to mind his look. Last week Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal annoyed their fellow diners in Paris by making out like teenagers at a restaurant and feeding each other pieces of chocolate mousse. Next: Sources claim that Jennifer Aniston is desperate to arrange a meeting with Brad Pitt since they are both staying in New York. So desperate in fact, that she's made two appointments at the Waldorf-Astoria's spa, hoping that she might run into Brad. It's unclear why she went through all the trouble, since she also called Brad and he said he'd love to get together and chat. Then he told Angie and she "yelled at him for half an hour," according to an insider. "She pulled him into her bedroom and hissed, 'we are leaving the city right now!'" says the source. She told the kids to pack their bags and the brood sped off to their rented Long Island estate in an SUV sans Brad. Angie said they need a break. Don't tell the kids about this (probably fake) separation. They don't want them to know because, a source says, "It would upset them too much."
Grade: D+ (Unsatisfying series finale)

In Touch
"Loving Mother or ... MOM FROM HELL?" This story takes us "inside Octomom's crazy world," with exclusive pictures of six of her octuplets piled on her bosom, the babies lined up in their crib, and her holding one baby in the palm of her hand. In addition to complaints by Angels in Waiting published by every mag this week, In Touch goes the extra mile and chats up her neighbors. One says, "The woman is completely nuts. She thinks she's famous. She doesn't know that people are laughing at her, that she's a freak." Also, an insider says that a deal is in place for Nadya to be filmed for a reality show as soon ash the last two babies come home. "Octomom" won't appear in the title because she hates the name. "It's about Nadya trying to raise 14 children while looking for love," the insider explains. Next: Angelina feels threatened by Natalie Portman starring with Brad Pitt in the new film Important Artifacts because Natalie is beautiful, educated, six years younger than Angie, and single. "In Angelina's mind, it isn't at all far-fetched that Brad could fall for Natalie and leave her the way he did Jen," says a source. A relationship expert who doesn't treat Angie agrees: "History repeats itself. She can ask for his reassurance, but there is nothing else she can do. It's out of her control." A source claims Matthew McConaughey has proposed to Camila Alves. She's been spotted wearing a yellow-diamond engagement ring. Jennifer Love Hewitt's ex-fiance, Ross McCall is upset that she's started dating co-star Jamie Kennedy only three months after they broke up. "He feels that Jamie always flirted with Jennifer around him, and now he is wondering to his friends if this romance actually began while they were still together. He is very upset," says a friend. Moving on: Are Lindsay Lohan's habits ruining her looks? A pal says she looks "skinny and run-down" because she is "always smoking and eating crappy food." Maybe Lindsay's partying is taking a toll, but the "obvious creases" "forehead lines" and "dark circles" that the mag so helpfully points out may be a result of being human. (Fig. 4) Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have split up, according to In Touch, but only because they have a $200,000 deal with another tabloid to deliver four cover stories and they have already done three, including the fake elopement. "The actual story has be written for weeks," a friend reveals, adding that "they'll get back together," as long as the price is right. Finally, the mag reports that there's a "trendy cosmetic procedure that's sweeping Hollywood: bangs!" Apparently stars like Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Richie, and Sarah Jessica Parker are wearing bangs so they don't have to shell out for Botox on their foreheads in these hard economic times.
Grade: C- (Anti-drug episode)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Not everyone gets a prime-time real-estate infomercial courtesy of ABC and hosted by Elizabeth Vargas (left, with Spelling) — but the 56,500-sq. ft. megamegamansion in Los Angeles's Holmby Hills neighborhood is not just any house. Spelling doesn't even know how many bathrooms it has, she told 20/20. Or how many rooms, period. Even her real-estate agent, Sally Forster Jones, doesn't know:

While some published reports put the tally of rooms in the mansion at well past 100, Jones couldn't provide an exact count.

Spelling says she doesn't know either.

"You're really asking the wrong person," Spelling jokes. "There's a lot. (The house) has evolved and I actually haven't gone around and counted."

Spelling also says she hasn't read actress daughter Tori Spelling's memoir because friends told her it was "hurtful." So much for getting a mother-daughter jacket blurb for Stories from Candyland!

Spelling mère has been trying to sell the mansion since her husband's death in 2006 — at first secretly, now quite openly. She needs to move the product off the shelf, having bought a 17,000-sq. ft, $47 million condo in downtown Los Angeles. (Downsizing!) But here's the question: Who's going to take the PR hit of spending nine digits on a house in this age of populist outrage?

Here's a collection of stills from a video tour of the Spelling mansion:

(Photo of Vargas and Spelling by Ron Tom/ABC News)

The Advocate: When did you first feel love from gays?
Chelsea Handler: When I had sex with my first gay man. It was pretty quick and painless, but I definitely felt it. [Laughs] I was never some fruit fly hanging around with a bunch of gay guys. I always just loved gay people. Now I definitely have friends and people on staff who are gay, but I don’t only hang around gay people. It’s not like I’m trying to be Tori Spelling — on many levels.. [...]

Did you attend any Prop. 8 protests or rallies?
I only go where the gay people invite me to go. It’s not nice to do things for the community only when people are looking. People who speak out for gay people just so that they can create a fan base annoy the shit out of me. People like Tori Spelling. She doesn’t have compassion for them. She’s not going out doing things for them. She’s like, “Oh, I have such a huge gay following.” It’s because no one else is following her!

Not true: why, Spelling is practically hounded by women who got knocked up too late for her Bumps deadline, or 90210 producers who are simply begging her to tape a guest spot (on a Canada-only bumper meant to promote the show in between Shamwow informercials). Her gays aren't a necessity but a bonus! They make her feel special, beautiful, and employable in small, straight-to-Logo romantic comedies.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Big Gay Following: Chelsea Handler [The Advocate]

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Okay, but back to the fistfight: fact or fiction?...
DOHERTY: No, we never punched each other.
GARTH: Scratching? I'm not going to deny that.

More excerpts (and salacious sexual revelations) after the jump!

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: For the new 90210, you were both involved with determining where Kelly and Brenda were in their lives. Jennie, the producers initially wanted Kelly to be a West Beverly Hills High School board member, right? How did she become a guidance counselor?
GARTH: I didn't want to be on the show for no reason. I wanted to have some value. When Gabe and [exec producer] Jeff [Judah] told me some of the things they were doing, I was like, ''Whoa. That is not 90210, people.''...
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What kinds of things?
DOHERTY: All I know is there's a girl giving a guy a b—- job in the first episode.
GARTH: When they told me that, I thought, Aaron Spelling is rolling over in his grave right now.

Dare we dream that Lucille Bluth is the loose woman in question? That's right, CW: Bluthwatch '08 continues! But then, this tidbit concerning the initial Garth/Doherty reunion:

GARTH: There had been so much buildup. Everyone was asking me before what it was going to be like. I was like, ''I don't know. I haven't talked to her in 10 or 15 years.'' I had that tension and I started to let it get to me. Is she going to be nice? Is it going to be a bad environment? But when I saw her everything was fine. [To Shannen] I was going to call you and tell you this — I got your number from Gabe [Sachs, 90210 producer] but I never called.

Jennie, Jennie, Jennie! Have you still not learned to use a phone after the Tori debacle? We know that the kids today have moved onto Sidekicks and iPhones, but sheesh: can't somebody hand the girl an oversized 90's cell phone she feels familiar with?

• '90210''s Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth: The EW Reunion [EW]

• WATCH VIDEO

When she reunited with Doherty to shoot CW's 90210 spin-off, she tells TV Guide, “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

“I’m not much of a small talker, and I don’t think she is either. I was a little nervous because I hadn’t seen or talked to her in 14 years," she goes on. "Everyone was making it out to be such a big deal that I think we both fell prey to having that affect us.”

Sounds reasonable enough, especially when Garth adds, "We’re both grown women, both professionals." Still, she can't help but throw an elbow Doherty's way when asked what her reaction is to the Tori Spelling negotiation drama:

Fighting back tears, Garth tells TV Guide, “I know Shannen probably doesn’t share the feelings that I have for Tori, but I love Tori like my sister.”

Expertly played, Ms. Garth. Go share a glass of scotch with Lucille Bluth — you've earned it.

Photo Credit: Justin Stephens/The CW

• Jennie Garth: Working With Shannen Not "As Bad As I Thought" [Us]

We camped out on the 90210 set during pilot production, and cheered on our favorite new cast members - Cory Kennedy and Mark Hunter, aka The Cobrasnake, who both appear in the show's first revival episode.

Will Cory teach new starlet AnnaLynne McCord how to pose for internet paparazzi? Will Mark find a new muse in returning diva Shannen Doherty?

Sorry, we can't reveal everything, at least not all at once. The first episode airs on September 2 on the CW. Tune in and see why our whole office is calling it NYL0210...

If you're unfamiliar with these two staples of Hollywood nightlife, The Cobrasnake is LA's best-known party photographer, and Cory Kennedy is his hipster muse. While some may quibble about their inclusion, we can't wait for the inevitable, Cinespace-set scene where Cobrasnake's lens captures Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth engaging in a Red Bull-fueled smackdown (as DJ Steve Aoki hastily programs a calming mash-up from his 3G iPhone).

[Photo Credit: Getty Images, AP]

• AND STARRING MARK AND CORY, AS THEMSELVES [Nylon]

“[The press thinks] we’re at war over salary with Tori. I didn’t know I was at war with Tori,” Garth told EW.com. “I’m really bummed because I love Tori and I was psyched Tori was going to be on the show. I think she should definitely get paid as much as either of us is getting paid. Her father created the show. It just seems wrong if that’s the case. I don’t know what really happened because I haven’t talked to her. I would like to talk to her.”

Well, why pick up the phone when a couple of online quotes will suffice? Surely, Garth has the number of a costar she acted opposite for ten years — or is she simply mad that Spelling sold off the garage door opener she'd forever had her eye on without even so much as a friendly publicist tip-off?

• Jennie Garth 'bummed' that Tori Spelling won’t appear on '90210' [EW]

Insiders tell me that Tori was hired to reprise her role as fashion boutique owner Donna Martin for just "$10,000-$20,000" per episode. But then Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty were signed for "$35,000-$50,000" a show. When Tori found out her former co-stars were getting paid way more than she was, she got pissed and demanded equal pay.

But the network suits have refused. So now my sources tell me that Tori has pulled out of the series, which premieres with a 2-hour special on September 2nd. "She thought she deserved parity, and she's got a point," an insider explained to me.

That's because, for some bizarre reason, Tori is a reality show ratings hit by Oxygen's low standards. (Last Tuesday's Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood was the most watched telecast in the history of that execrable women's cable channel as 1.4 million viewers saw the episode where Tori gave birth to her 2nd child — which actually took place 5 months ago.)

Yes, the 90210 producers ought to take note: Tori Spelling is Oxygen's biggest draw, narrowly beating out all those highly-rated Shamwow commercials. She might not be worth Shannen and Jennie money, but can't she at least claim parity with a Mark D. Espinosa?

[Photo credit: AP]

• Tori Spelling Furious At '90210' Spinoff For Unequal Pay With Jennie & Shannen [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

Garth was the first desperado to sign on and, unlike newly departed Tori Spelling, the always awesome Joe E. Tata is still rumored to be on board as the Peach Pit’s warm and fuzzy overlord Nat once again. But, sadly, he will not be reuniting with star employeee Brandon — Jason Priestley will not be growing out his sideburns to enlighten us on the Walsh heir's dark descent into drugs and liquor while living outside the fading marquee of his failed After Party club franchise. But he will direct! As for Luke Perry, the failed Broadway star is way too busy to even give a return to the only show anyone remembers him for a moment's pause. He's starring opposite C. Thomas Howell in made-for-TV Westerns! Leave him alone! He's got cheaper budgets and lower ratings records to focus on!

• SHANNEN DOHERTY IN TALKS TO RETURN TO '90210' [People]

Life & Style
"From Party Girls To Moms." Christina Aguilera has been "clubbing up a storm" and almost made out with a girl she was grinding on the dancefloor with. Hubby Jordan stopped her. Nicole Richie misses her party pals and now when she goes out she has to bring her breast pump with her, sigh. As for JLS, she refused to go home to Kentwood with mom Lynn and is staying in Liberty, Mississippi with her baby and baby daddy in their own house. Also inside: Apparently Angelina's assistant (and good friend) Holly Goline is pregnant too! And due at the same time as Angelina! Everyone is panicking! Because Holly had a medical scare! But Angie called the hospital and said she was Angelina Jolie and needed someone right away, so the doctor made a house call. Everything's fine. Except Maddox and Pax set off some security alarms while climbing trees, so it's kind of chaos. Next: Tori Spelling has "lost the baby weight" already. Her kid was born June 9 and it is June 25. WTF. Is Will Smith secretly a Scientologist? Signs point to yes. Lastly: Nicole Kidman's "secret heartbreak" is that Isabella Connor never visit her. They're being raised as Scientologists and call Katie Holmes "mom" and Nicole "Nicole."
Grade: D (saltwater)
OK!
"Tori's Miracle Baby Girl" To be honest, we didn't read this entire cover story. But baby Stella Doreen, born June 9, weighing 6lbs and 8 ounces, is making Tori Spelling super happy. She's psyched to have a daughter, blah blah blah. Moving on: Another baby! Jamie Lynn wants little Maddie Briann to have a normal life that is more Kentwood than Hollywood. The mag claims that only medical professionals were in the delivery room with JLS and calls her "charmingly old-fashioned." Jennifer Aniston supposedly wants John Mayer to buy her a ring and pop the question. But! John's "friend" says he's not the marrying kind and Jen had better stop pressuring him or he'll dump her. Fuck you, dude. Also inside: When Kate Cruise hits Broadway, she'll be billed as the more familiar Katie Holmes. Tina Fey wants Oprah to be on 30 Rock. That would be awesome. Natalie Portman will be a Project Runway judge? Hmm. The "Best Pecs" spread includes Hugh Jackman, David Beckham and, drumroll please, Barack Obama (Fig. 1). Two pages on same-sex couples! Who will be the first to wed? All the lesbian couples (Ellen and Portia, Tammy and Melissa, Cynthia and Christine) will probably get hitched, the gay dudes (Neil Patrick Harris and TR Knight) have no plans, haha. The two—page story called "Get Your Man In Shape" includes the following tip: "Join a gym together and ask him how to use the machines." Seriously?
Grade: D+ (unsweetened lemonade)
In Touch
"Best & Worst Beach Bodies." Audrina Patridge, Matthew McConaughey and Gavin Rossdale are "best." Heidi Klum, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mariah Carey are "worst." But actually, judging people in their swimsuits is what is "worst." Moving on: Brad "left" Angelina… to go to a Radiohead concert in Italy. He went with Ed Norton and some other peeps and knew the words to of all the songs. He had the audacity to have wine and appetizers after the show even though this heavily pregnant wife was at home in France. Brad slept at George Clooney's house that night. Rough times. Also inside: Jamie Lynn has the daughter that Britney always wanted. Sob. Oh, and JLS named her baby Maddie Briann after the Madeline books she loved as a kid and her brother Bryan. Denise Richards says: "My kids are in therapy. It's really sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it's good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate." Sam is 4 and Lola is 3. Does it the fact that mom has a reality show help? Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have been together for a month and she's already telling him "I love you." The magazine helpfully points out that Lance loves blondes: notches on his bike include ex-wife Kristin Richard, Sheryl Crow, Tory Burch and model Kim Strother. Meanwhile: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long love to party! The mag says Drew's "booze-soaked romance with Justin could be detrimental to her health and career." Let's not forget that Drew's been in rehab twice. Lastly: Corey Haim dated Victoria Beckham back in 1995, when she was Victoria Adams, aka Posh Spice. What if they had stayed together? Let that sink in.
Grade: C- (warm Mountain Dew)
Us
"Jake Moves In!" Jake Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese Witherspoon's $5 million L.A. home, even though he still has his own $2.5 million bachelor pad in the Hollywood Hills. But! He keeps his stuff at her place and uses it as a home base. Moving on: Kristen Johnston says, "I realize I'm too skinny." She's 6 foot tall and 133 lbs. She says a burst ulcer spurred a 60 lb. weight loss and forced her to change her eating habits. She claims she only weighs 5 lbs. less than she did when she was on 3rd Rock but, whatever (Fig. 2). Next: Jamie Lynn Spears will breastfeed and has no plans to hire a nanny. Brooke Hogan is NOT happy that her mom has a teenage boyfriend. Brooke tells the magazine, "I know if I was 48 years old, I wouldn't date a 19-year-old." Brooke doesn't speak to her mom anymore, but their path cross at jail when they visit Nick. Lastly: Male bikini waxing is all the rage. Sean Diddy Combs says, "I wax my privates." And Jay-Z also thinks "bald is beautiful," according to the mag.
Grade: C+ (unsweetened iced tea)
Star
"Delivery Room Drama!" Love the coverlines "Casey passes out, Britney flees." Doctors urged a C-section, but Jamie Lynn Spears refused. The baby's heart rate dropped everytime JLS pushed, and docs discovered that the umbilical cord was too short and wrapped around the baby's neck. The obstetrician had to cut the umbilical cord while the rest of the baby's body was still inside Jamie Lynn! That's when Casey fainted, fell to the floor and was out for 2 seconds. Also! The baby had neo-natal jaundice. Grandma Lynn Spears wants a DNA test ASAP because she's not sure Casey is the father— and neither is JLS. Next: Did Liv Tyler break up with her husband because of her "deep friendship" with Edward Norton? She doesn't know if she wants a divorce but Ed is "waiting in the wings" and has told his friends she is "the kind of woman every man dreams of having." Drew Barrymore is 3 years older than Justin Long, but has taken to calling him "daddy." She also asks him for permission to go out with her friends, eat candy and watch TV. Blind item! "Which pregnant actress isn't so honorable after all? She visited the DNA diagnostic center in NYC in April because she isn't sure who the baby girl's daddy is… But it's not her hubby." Heidi and Spencer don't sleep in the same room and if they weren't making millions as a couple, they'd be broken up for sure, a source says. They smile on film but fight as soon as the cameraman walks away. "Angelina's Pregnancy Diary" is about how she's recording the special moments of being knocked up in a book while on bed rest. She won't let Brad read it, but the mag has details! She's written in her journal regarding her daydreams about how the twins will look and sound and how she's ready for the twins to just come out already. Jennifer Aniston is so madly in love with John Mayer that she's looking into getting a $10,000 body makeover, including a botox, collagen and boob job. She also thinks a good way to show John that she's spontaneous would be to get some tattoos! Lastly: Nicole Richie is ready for another baby! And the mag says it looks like she's already hiding a new baby bump and has been wearing loose clothes. Plus, she was seen drinking water when everyone else was drinking champagne, so she must be pregnant.
Grade: B- (cold NYC tap water)
Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Lindsay Lohan v. Hilary Duff: As silly, catty and pointless as the battle for waste of space Aaron Carter was back in 2003, freckle-faced Lindsay Lohan and healthy Hilary Duff spent years exchanging passive-aggressive jabs aimed at each other via bad songs, magazine interviews, and of course, endless false claims that things were Totally Cool! between the two. The feud was memorably spoofed in this 2004 SNL clip in which Lindsay assures the world there's no truth to her feuds with Duff (as portrayed by Rachel Dratch).

Lauren Conrad v. Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad vs. Heidi Montag: After spending a few shameful years with our eyes glued to the insanely gorgeous cast of MTV's Laguna Beach, the series ended its wildly successful run with a focus on the brewing animosity between good girl LC and bad girl with bigger boobs Kristin Cavallari. Over an irritatingly boring boy, of course. But Lauren Conrad's girl trouble didn't stop there. Along with the rumored cat pee-based tension between Lauren and silicone-enhanced roommate Audrina Patridge on The Hills, the entire point of the show has always circled around her hatred of hip hop star/runaway bride of Frankenstein, Heidi Montag. High-pitched screaming fights both seen on-camera and gossiped about endlessly off-camera, have been reported for what feels like centuries. And yet, and yet...how to look away?

Shannen Doherty v. Entire Beverly Hills: 90210 Cast: Doherty landed the career-changing part of Brenda Walsh in 1990 at the age of 19, and almost as soon as the epic series wrapped its first few episodes, rumors were rampant that her on-screen catty demeanor was not a result of magnificent acting. After just four years, Brenda’s character was shipped off to Paris and replaced by the sexier Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Why? Long story short, Doherty made a series of bizarre decisions off-camera: trashing hotel rooms, adding two quickie marriages followed by two quickie divorces to her personal resume, giving paparazzi the bird, and most memorably, appearing in uncomfortably unsexy nudie spreads in Playboy.

• DISNEY STAR SELENA GOMEZ: I'M NOT FEUDING WITH MILEY [People]

boomp3.com

A hungry photographer gazed longingly at Tori Spelling's hot dogs at an appearance at the Hollywood landmark, Pink's. The appearance was to promote the second season of Spelling's reality series, yet the photographer's attention was primarily focused on the two uneaten hot dogs mocking him from Spelling's tray. Naturally, it was assumed that the photographer was staring at Spelling's cleavage, but the photographer defended his care bear stare by stating he got up too late for breakfast and those dogs were beginning to look like a steak from Ruth's Chris. Spelling explained that she wouldn't be able to share any of her dogs since she was eating for two and that, if he truly was that hungry, he should just wait in line like everybody else.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]