1.) Chris Brown loves women.
He appeared on The Wendy Williams Show today to continue The Remorse Tour '09.

2.) The Unveiling of Charla Nash
Charla—who had her hands and face gruesomely torn off by her friend's pet chimp—was interviewed by Oprah this week. Her eyes were lost in the attack, so she hasn't seen what she looks like.

Also, while I generally love primates, the one who attacked Charla looks like an asshole.

3.) Slade's smiley

4.) Ben Affleck's cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm
If you blink, you'll miss him.

5.) Tabloid stars collide

On The Insider this week, Jon Gosselin was giving Levi Johnston some "parenting advice." Earlier in the week on the same show, he went into some detail about his responsibility as a parent.

And he also talked shit on Kate's hair and kissing skills.

6.) Speaking of hair…
This kid has been suspended from school for getting an elaborate design shaved into his head. He is not allowed to return unless he shaves the rest of his head. His parents are supporting his "freedom of expression." Judging from the way he speaks, this kid needs a lot more school, and a little less expression.

7.) Men blame everything on our periods!

8.) This:

9.) Stephanie Pratt is growing on me.

10.) "It's important for women to stick together."
Faux-minism is not the answer for tackling double standards, when you don't even know what "double standards" are.

Yes, last night was quite an emotional episode. And it was shaping up to be a "very special" episode of Glee, like when cousin Geri would come to visit on The Facts of Life, what with all the talk about handicapped people and gays and fake stutters . Being far superior to that '80s sitcom (sorry, Mrs. Garrett) our favorite singing dramedy about lovable losers didn't fall into the easy trap of sentimentality but instead went for some really genuine emotion. I'm still crying just thinking about it. Fucking Glee.

To really get into it, let look at what really got us to buy some stock in Kleenex: the music!

"Dancing With Myself": Yeah, yeah, we know this Billy Idol ditty is about jerking off, but on Glee it has a much more innocent meaning. For Artie, who finally got to do something other than wheel around aimlessly like a matchbox car in the back of a stationwagon, it's quite literal. He's always off by himself playing a guitar and not dancing with the rest of the Glee club. He's also not going to ride with them on the bus to sectionals because they can't afford the handcapable van that will get him and his wheelchair aboard. It's hard to be Artie, but he doesn't let it get him down. Such heart.

Also all alone is Quinn, even though she's carrying permanent company in her womb. First of all, Quinn looks much better now that he hair is out of that tight ponytail and she isn't wearing her Cheerios outfit every day. When out of uniform, it seems like she's growing a personality of her own as well. She was looser and more fun last night than she has been all season. Team Quinn! But it's hard to be her too. She's trying to keep her pregnancy secret and pay for all her doctor bills, and the only support she has is Finn, who isn't doing the job.

Speaking of which, Finn had a bout of lonliness himself last night. He's trying to play football and be in Glee and get a job to support his girlfriend that some other dude knocked up. Her constant nagging isn't helping either. But Puck is the stand-up guy Quinn needs, and he's so lonely pining after her that it takes him almost an hour to think up selling pot cupcakes to the school in order to pay for Quinn's ultrasound. A real juvenile deliquent like him should have been able to think that up in no time at all. You're slipping, Puck!

Rachel is back in lonely mode as well. Not only does Quinn have Finn asking "How high?" every time she tells him to get a job, but now Mr Schu is making her try out for her solos. Le gasp! She's worried that the auditon/election is going to turn into a popularity contest, but isn't any form of democracy really just that? She has no chance of winning, because everyone hates her, and you can't really blame them when she throws a hissy fit every time something doesn't go her way. You don't see Artie bitching and complaining because he's paralyzed, do you? If he can get through life without whining, then she can handle losing the solo in "Defying Gravity." God, Rachel. You're just like the new version of Melrose Place. We want you to like you, but you just make it so hard.

"Defying Gravity": Way to go Babygay Kurt and claim this song for the gays! Well, we've already taken it for our own. Just ask any queen who has stood on a cabaret table on Musical Mondays at New York gay bar Mecca, Splash, and thrown a handful of napkins in the air just as soon as Idina Menzel starts the first chorus. Amazing. Honestly, I enjoy this pared down version much more than the over-produced original from the musical Wicked.

Very obviously the song is about overcoming obstacles and using that journey as empowerment. That is just what Babygay Kurt does to get an audition for his favorite song. No wonder a young gay kid has a serious connection to this song, which is all about not accepting the limits others place on you to find the strength to be a powerful individual that wears Alexander McQueen to McKinley High. When Will won't let him try out to sing the song, BG Kurt goes to his dad, who takes his case to the principal. It's so sweet to see Pops go from an uptight greasemonkey to a PFLAG dad in the course of several episodes. All Babygay Kurt wants is a fair shake at trying to win the song, and once he has it, he works hard to make it happen.

Puck is looking for a fair shake too, but he wants to try out to win Quinn's icy heart now that she's carrying his baby. He comes up with moolah for her medical bills when stupid Finn can't. Even though he steals it from a bake sale that he made successful with drug-laced treats, his blond-headed object of affection is starting to see that he's a provider. Even more than giving her cash though, Puck seems to give Quinn the first real smiles we've seen all season, when they play Swedish Chef in the Home Ec room. Rather than giving her money, maybe really making her happy will be the thing that turns her heart around.

Even Finn is defying gravity by getting a job, even though he has to use Rachel and a little bit of lying about being paralyzed to get it. And why is Quinn even stressing about all this money stuff when she can get Terri to pay. Sure Terri, who is going to take the baby, said no to an expense account, but Quinn knows way too much about her and is way too shrewd to go about making boys pay for her lady vitamins when she can be conniving her way into the lap of luxury—or at least a few sets of free linens from Sheets-N-Things.

The biggest defyer of gravity is Artie who can not only defy gravity down there (and by that we mean his penis), but is also getting closer to Tina, the girl who has no last name but a stutter. Instead of letting his wheelchair push her away, he is trying to roll right into his heart. But once he gets there, she admits that her stutter was fake all along. We knew it! Either that, or her stutter was so bad that the writers made that up so that she would stop doing it. Seriously, her fake stutter was jacked. We can't believe anyone fell for that.

But she says that she came up with her ploy because she was so shy and she didn't want people paying attention to her and doing something that made her different would drive everyone away. But she has found the strength to be at center stage thanks to performing with Glee and she's dropping her ersatz impediment to be true to herself. We thought that Artie was being mean by reacting so harshly to her, but now we totally agree with him. When there are all these people, Babygay Kurt, Puck, Quinn, Finn, even Wicked Witch of the West Rachel, becoming strong by overcoming obstacles, she's been building one to try to hide behind. Sure, it's great she is growing as a person, but to someone like Artie (or BG Kurt or...) we could see how her fake stutter would be a s-s-serious no-no.

"Proud Mary": More than Tina Turner's defining anthem, this is a tune about the people one meets on a journey that make the trip worth taking and the burden a bit easier to bear.

The biggest enablers (and we mean that in a good way) were all the kids in the club, who got in their wheelchairs to roll a mile in Artie's shoes and to perfect their skills for this killer choreographed number. It's like jazz hands-icapped!

Babygay Kurt helped out around the house. When his father gets a homophobic phone call (we swear it was one of Rachel's fathers on the other end) BGK realizes that he may be strong enough to be out but his father isn't. He tells Pops that being a big ol' ball of gay glamor made him different, but his difference made him strong and will eventually get him out of crappy Lima for a job toiling away on Fashion Avenue. Well, that is when the tears started in earnest. We officially have a Pavlovian response to Kurt, and every time he sashays on screen, we get that tight, dry feeling in the back of our throat that signals another crying jag that we try to tamp down.

Tinyqueen Kurt (sorry, we had to mix it up) throws his audition so that his father doesn't have to take any extra heat from the people in town who don't want a boy singing a girl's song. We think that his father would have found a way to cope, that he would have found something redeeming in his own struggle to be accepted, but it's noble of Kurt to put his father before his own happiness. He's going to have plenty of time to be gay throwing napkins from atop a cabaret table at Splash on Musical Mondays.

Even though Artie is receiving so much good will from the team, he doesn't want to use the money selfishly to ride on the bus, but would rather install a ramp in the auditorium so that other kids can get themselves to center stage once he's gone. Jesus, why can't you just be a normal egotastic teenager, Artie. That wouldn't make us have to pull out one of the crumpled hankies from the bottom of our pockets to dab our eyes. What a jerk! Think of us!

But the nicest thing of all was that this was the first episode where everyone functioned as a unit rather than a bunch of subplots swimming along trying to impregnate a musical egg to give birth to this baby of a show. Before when someone would say "Oh, we have Glee, and we're all friends," we wouldn't buy it. But not anymore. And Will really is the one who made it happen. He finally did the right thing and got the kids to look past their selfishness to work hard to bring Artie along with them, and they all benefited. Except Rachael. She's still a bitch.

Jump Rope for Heart: Did you think we forgot about Sue Motherfucking Sylvester? Please!

She was a bit out of character last night, but she was still the best of the bunch. When she was nice to a little Down Syndrome girl and let her be on the Cheerios, we were seriously suspicious. Then, when she was drilling the girl and being mean to her in the gym, we knew that Sue was going to have some connection to handicapped people that was going to make her a real character and not the funniest one-dimensional sketch this side of Balky Bartokomous. It turns out that her sister has Down Syndrome, and Sue knows a thing or two about defying gravity for her family. OK, Glee, we'll make a deal. You can only go about making Sue MF Sylvester into a real person if she'll continue to be a raging bitch who says every inappropriate thing that comes into her little head. You already made her being a cunt to a retarded girl into an act of supreme love, don't you go doing that to everything. We cry enough as it is!

But really this jump rope sequence is like a great episode of Glee: everything piece working in synch to create something that is greater than the sum of its parts. Last night worked very well, mostly because it focused more on the kids and their relationships to each other rather than all the fake-baby-craziness, the Will-and-Emma-will-never-get-together antics, and all the other stupid adult bullshit that drives the show off the rails. It took the time to slow down the plot mechanics and really introduce us to these people. Also, the music sounded better than ever. Just when you thought you couldn't love something even more, it rides a unicorn back from several weeks away with a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a Snuggie to keep you full, warm, completely satisfied, and a little damp around the eyes.

In Touch
"Oh, Baby! 'We're Ready!'"
Here's what Margaret learned: Kendra is a die-hard Nancy Grace fan and is worried about people who hurt children. "I tell Hank, we're going to know every neighbor, every teacher, every priest, everybody around us. We will make sure to be surrounded by good people. Like Jaycee Dugard — how can you not know your neighbors have kids living in tents in the backyard?" Khloe went to breastfeeding classes with Kourtney. None of this is scintillating, but there it is. Also inside: Suri Cruise has found her "sole mate" — another little girl who wears heels! (See image 7). Lots of random stuff in the Aniston/Jolie/Pitt story: Jennifer Aniston has given her friends permission to talk about Angelina for Andrew Morton's book, because she wants the world to know what Angie is really like. While they were filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angie would call Brad repeatedly. "Angelina wanted to plant a seed of doubt in Jen's mind that something was going on with her and Brad," says a friend. "Jen and Brad would fight about it, then Brad would seek comfort from Angelina." At the time, Brad and Jen were actively trying to have a baby. Brad's pal says the book will probably contain information about Angelina that would make it easier for Brad to leave her — with nobody thinking worse of him. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat anyone involved, says the book could open up communication between Brad and Jen and may lead to them reuniting. A story about Beyoncé's baby plans begins, "Beyoncé may soon be putting a diaper on it instead of a ring!" Does that even make sense? Lastly: Kate Hudson is "so desperate" to marry A-Rod, she even agreed to sign a pre-nup agreement to protect his $300 million fortune. A friend says she's already met with an attorney, intent on proving she's not after his cash.
Grade: F (rotting fish)

Ok!
"Angie's Adopting… Without Brad!"
Angelina is "preparing" to bring home a little girl from Syria, "a move that could result in an almighty showdown" in their "already strained relationship." Angie met the girl in October when she traveled to Syria with the UN Refugee Agency. Some more hyperbole: "Blinded by her desire to adopt again, Angie has failed to see the many glaring issues that are threatening her relationship with Brad." Just so you know, this adoption will be "a slap in Brad's face." Moving on: Matthew McConaughey's ladyfriend, Camilla Alves bought son Levi a baby bunny as a pet. (See image 8). Lastly: Secrets from the set of Glee! Madonna requested DVDs of the series for her kids, and is letting the show use her songs for an episode! Quinn and Rachel used to be roommates in real life!
Grade: F (rancid meat)

Life & Style
"Angelina's A Total Fake"
Apparently Angelina "manipulates and controls" every aspect of her life. Is that really a bad thing? Anyway: According to an "insider," Angelina has "mastered the ability to play the greatest role of her life — that of a doting mother and partner who'd do anything for humanity. But the truth is more complex." The mag claims Angie has "no sense of right and wrong" and convinced Brad that their relationship was fine when he was with Jennifer Aniston. "Angie created a world where he was free of accountability and responsibility for another person's feelings." Angie told Brad what was happening between them was bigger than they were and there was no way to deny it. She said they were destined to be together. Maybe she was right? Anywhoo, "Though the actress has stated that she wants the kids to be worldly, growing up in many places, some believe it may be harmful to deprive them or a stable home base." Also, Angelina and Brad are addicted to adopting, and Angelina is addicted to fame. More accusations and bullshit too tedious to print inside. Oh, and she "Says one thing, does another." (See image 9). She says she doesn't think about what she wears on the red carpet, but uses a stylist? That doesn't make her a hypocrite, that means someone else is thinking about what she wears on the red carpet. Gah. Moving on: An insider close to Jay-Z says: "Jay wanted to marry B and make babies with her from practically the day they met." When they were engaged, he called her "wifey" and "my baby's mama." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer went on a date! He took her to his manager's birthday party. An eyewitness says: "They were clearly a couple. They were acting very lovey-dovey… She was giggly all night." Finally, TLC's T-Boz has Swine Flu! Over the years, she's been diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, had brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor, and now: H1N1. It took her two weeks to recover, but she says she won't get the vaccine next year, because whenever she gets a flu shot, she feels sick for about three days.
Grade: F (sour milk)

Us
"Angelina's Cruel Lies"
Ian Halperin's new book, Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie , has lots of claims, like: Angelina spread nasty rumors about her romantic rival Jen Aniston; a tipster says Angie was recently taking crystal meth; and Angelina and Brad are just one year from splitting. According to one of Halperin's exes, who worked on Troy with Brad Pitt, but never saw Brad with Angie, "They've broken up so many times, it would make your head spin." A limo driver says: "She has a temper like a cobra." Halperin claims that in 1998, Angie was so distraught that she hired a hit man to kill her. LOL. Also, Brad met a Sudanese model named Amma at a Darfur event and they flirted, fueling fears of cheating. An employee and the Dorchester Hotel in London overheard Shiloh refer to a nanny as "mommy." And, Halperin says, "It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the two were broken up by Christmas 2010." On the other hand, Us reports that Angie and Brad are enjoying "a peaceful French life" : A recent visitor says Angie was in the kitchen doing dishes while the kids were running outside; she could watch from the window. The kids have free reign on the estate's 880 acre grounds; Pax and Maddox run around for hours pointing their fingers at each other like guns. Shiloh and Zahara bond with the ponies and donkeys on the estate and "revel in golf cart rides with Daddy." An insider says: "Every time the cart goes over a bump, Shiloh squeals with delight." Moving right along: We love 3 of the "25 Things" you don't know about Dolly Parton: "I have a treehouse where I write a lot of children's songs." And! "I still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and true love. Don't even try to tell me different." And! "I get acrylic put on the inside of my nails as well as the outside. It makes them just like guitar picks." On another page, Kim Kardashian reveals, "I lost my virginity to an R. Kelly CD." Wait, you had sex with a disc? "We put up the music really loud," she clarifies. Lindsay Lohan was "trailing after" Kellan Lutz (Twilight, 902010) at a club and "when she wasn't following him, she was texting him." She talked to him for 5 minutes — but it ended there. He has a girlfriend.
Grade: D- (freezer burned ice cream)

Star
"Mind Games!"
An insider says Jen and Angelina despise each other, and take great pleasure in seeing each other squirm. "Neither has an ounce of empathy." After Thanksgiving, Brad is filming The Lost City Of Z in Brazil, and Jen is planning a vacation in Mexico, but will take a side trip to Brazil! "Jennifer sees her chance for a reunion far from the prying eyes of Hollywood," a source says. "And she knows that when Angelina finds out — and she certainly will — she'll be livid." Jen gets drunk and calls Chateau Mirval in the middle of the night — and she likes that she wakes up Angie. Every time she hears that Brad and Angie are having problems, Jen will call Brad and "act sweet." Then Brad unloads on her, telling her Angie's being moody and difficult, and Jen loves that. Angelina steals all the roles that Jen wants and laughs when Jen's movies bomb. Angelina knows which designers Jen likes and when her "spies" find out she's asked for something, Angie tries to get it first, and be photographed in it. Angie knew that Jen wanted to wear an Elie Saab dress to the Oscars, but Angie got it first, and poor Jen had to wear Valentino. : ( Angelina isn't crazy about Brad's scruffy look, but Jen recently texted Brad, telling him he looked handsome and distinguished in his goatee. Brad likes watching them fight over him, so he purposely leaves out his cell phone so that Angie can see Jen's called or texted. Moving on: A handwriting expert analyzed Twilight autographs, and now we know that Robert Pattinson is highly intelligent; Kristen Stewart is "more traditional and stiff" and Rob and Kristen "feel safe with each other." (See image 10.) Blind item! "Which former TV host shocked patrons at LA's Voyeur night club on October 29 when he debuted his new face? Sources say he recently got a hush-hush eyelift that made him unrecognizable." Since his kid was born, Colin Farrell's girlfriend put a swear jar in his house — every time he curses he has to put in $100. Tobey Macguire was running and heard a "pitiful meow" and saw a scared kitten stuck in a tree! He pulled her to safety with his Spider-Man grip. Rihanna told Diane Sawyer that she doesn't hate Chris Brown, but and insider says she "despises" Chris — so much that if someone mentions his name, she'll say. "Please don't talk about him." Lindsay Lohan went to Crown Bar, where she ran into her former live-in love, Courtenay Semel. She asked to be moved to a table away from Courtenay, then "flirted heavily" with Twilight's Kellan Lutz, to no avail, then ran from the club to "sob in an alley." Lindsay also partied super-late three nights in a row at Leonardo Di Caprio's house. "Wow! Jessica's Revenge" is about how Jess Simpson dropped 15 pounds in 30 days "and she's not done yet." First she lost 5 lbs. by doing a three-day cleanse; then she cut meat from her diet and eliminated her favorite fatty Mexican foods — and has barely touched alcohol. A doctor who does not treat Simpson says: "This is the old Jessica we all know and love." Yes, not the sad, burrito-loving one! The vengeful, fasting one! The whole time Bradley Cooper has been dating Renée Zellweger, he's also been hooking up with his ex, Isabella Brewster — the younger sister of Jordana Brewster. "He wanted to keep it hush-hush, so usually, they'd just grab takeout and stay in," says a source. "He'd call and tell her, 'Bring your hot self over here, and don't forget dinner.'" Lastly: A man who wrote a book titled Blown For Good — about escaping Scientology — says Tom Cruise audited him when the guy was 17. This was 20 years ago. The dude says: "Tom would talk to inanimate objects, like books, desks, bottles, even ashtrays — for hours. You tell the ashtray, sit in that chair. And then you actually go over and put the ashtray in the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle and the book. And you do this for hours and hours." Why? It's Scientology's "Book and Bottle Routine" that "rehabilitates" your ability to control things and be controlled. The guy says he was in a Scientology compound where he was forced to watch clips of Tom Cruise on talk shows. But then he snuck a small TV in and started watching late-night talk shows that made fun of Tom. "I'd see Conan O'Brien dissing Tom, and I was like wait a minute… They were all laughing their butts off about Tom Cruise being a crazy nutjob, but I thought he was awesome."
Grade: D (furry, moldy berries)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Earlier: All previous Midweek Madness posts

No Room and an In
By Betsey Morgenstern
944 Magazine Assistant Contributing Society Editor

Miami International Fashion Week is in full swing, so there are even more parties than usual. Last night Whitney Port and Roxy Carmichael Olin descended on The Florida Room in the Delano Hotel for a pre-party for a fashion show. The party was so excellent, no one quite knew which brand they were celebrating, and the band was so bad that no one quite knew who they were.

That didn't stop Roxy Carmichael Olin from dancing on the banquette like a low-class Paris Hilton and dragging Nick Soandso up there with her. As soon as they found out they both went to Harvard, it was a deep and animal lust that attracted them. As soon as Whitney took a minute out to powder her nose (wink wink) he asked Roxy to leave. Without a second thought of her friend, she was out the door in search of the next party. In fact, Roxy had been complaining ever since they got to Miami about being put on a budget by People's Revolution boss Kelly Cutrone. All she wanted to do was lie out and eat room service and party. Luckily her cohort Whitney has her head about her and didn't let this happen.

But that didn't stop Roxy from leaving Whintey all alone and defenseless in the club. A reporter tailed Roxy and Nick as they left. First it was more drinks at Mynt Lounge, but Roxy was way too antsy for the sedate crowd. Nick took her over to SET to dance the night away and after they bumped into well known man-about-town Pookie "Candyman" Collins, they were bumping all night long (wink wink take two). They caused quite a scene, especially when Roxy popped a bottle of Cristal and poured it all over her body like she was living in a rap video fantasy world. Nick got down on his knees and wrung out her champagne-drenched skirt and drank the nectar as some of it oozed down his neck. He then started kissing up her thigh, his head disappearing underneath the soggy seam of her drenched dress. Roxy let her head fall back as her eyes closed and her mouth opened. It looked like she was moaning, but the new remix of Shakira's "She Wolf" was so loud, no one could hear a thing. After pushing his head out from underneath her skirt she grabbed his arm and ran for the exit.

They gave me—I mean, a reporter—the slip but it sounds like they were headed back to Nick's to continue the party. No wonder poor Roxy was late to work the next day!

Bathing Beauties at Mara Hoffman
by Betsey Morgenstern
944 Magazine Assistant Contributing Fashion Editor

Miami International Fashion Week isn't just about world-famous designers like Agatha Ruiz de la Prada, Munib Nawaz, and Amato Couture but it's really all about the fashion shows. Today it was time for the biggest bash of them all: The Mara Hoffman collection was presented at Soho Studios. Everything was glorious.

Show director Kelly Cutrone, the head boss at New York's trendy fashion PR firm People's Revolution said she had a hard time at the casting, but what do you expect from a pasty New Yorker who wears all black to the beach! After making fun of the model's faces and walks, she had a nice stable of hoofers to walk Hoffman's swimwear down the catwalk.

Before the show started, we saw Erin Kaplan and Olivia Palermo of Elle Magazine giving each other a chilly reception in the front row. After sauntering back to her seat from behind the stage, Kaplan peppered Palermo with questions: "Why aren't you taking notes? Are you going to the trade shows? Why don't you like me? God gave me brains, but why didn't he make me as pretty and rich as you? Is that fair?" Olivia just stared blankly at her shoes, moving her toes ever so slightly to watch the way the light reflected on her pedicure. It was as if she could just ignore the questions away.

It was then that we heard the sound of an argument coming from backstage, and it sounded like People's Revolution PR girls Roxy Carmichael Olin and Whitney Port (who just broke up with my boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer, full disclosure!).
"Where were you last night?" Whitney shouted.
"I thought you left," Roxy slurred back.
"No, I didn't leave, I said I'd be right back."
"But you didn't come back, so I didn't think you were coming back. Nick and I left. That place was boring."
"Yeah, it was real boring without you. And you're late. And why do you smell like stale champagne?"
That's when Kelly Cutrone walked by, slammed their heads together and just kept walking.

Her intervention must have worked, because the show went off without a hitch. There were lots of one-piece suits and futuristic cuts (as Olivia noted). Our favorite was a silver metallic, square bikini with a flowing printed caftan over it. There were lots of geometric prints, that would fit right in with the international stoner set that loves to litter Miami's beaches. The models did walk a little slow and didn't smile much. What is up with that?

One Elle of an Afterparty
by Betsey Morgenstern
944 Magazine Assistant Contributing Fashion and Social Editor

With models in pink wigs and swimsuits lounging on boxes by the pool, Elle Magazine and Lycra's afterparty for Mara Hoffman's fashion show was the hit of Miami International fashion week. The W Hotel pool was transformed by the staff of the magazine and ace PR girl Erin Kaplan, who picked out the wigs herself. She said she was inspired by the time she and her girlfriends went as a pack of slutty flight attendants for Halloween and she saw the same raunchy joy in Hoffman's designs and wanted to channel that for the party's living decorations.

Loving the wigs was host Brooklyn Decker, who stole one off a model's head and was parading around with it half-cocked on her head for most of the evening. Kaplan was seen chatting with Elle's executive fashion editor Judi Sanders at the party, and it seems like she was carrying on about her favorite subject Olivia Palermo. She was bitching about how her socialite coworker didn't go to the crumby trade shows during fashion week (neither did I, because they sound too much like swap meets and that sounds like something that poor people would go to). She was also complaining that Olivia didn't take notes at the fashion show and how was she going to remember the very, very important and groundbreaking fashions they just witnessed without notes.

Olivia was off talking to designer Red Carter, who is not at all related to Red Buttons, but he does look a little bit like him. She then approached Saunders who told Palermo that bitch Erin Kaplan had been talking shit about her. No she said, and I quote, "That bitch Erin has been talking shit about you." Olivia didn't know what to do. She couldn't stare at her toes like she usually does, so she asked Saunders for advice. This is what the wise old editor had to say:

"Here's how it's going to go down. You're going to be in a meeting with Joe Z and he's going to ask about the trade shows. Say you didn't know anything about them. That's definitely going to piss Erin off and she's going to say she told you about them. Make it look like it's her fault that you didn't go. She'll hate that and take the offensive. Joe just wants everyone to get along because he's a pussy. Just agree with everything Joe says about being a team player and wanting to work with Erin while she sits there making her sour face. You don't even have to seem sincere. Being nice is Erin's kryptonite. It will render her silent. You'll look like the winner and she'll look like the mean lady who doesn't want to help out. This is the only way you can save yourself in Joe's eyes."

Olivia was nodding furiously, so we hope she took her advice. We'll know next time we check the masthead at Elle if it's missing an accessories editor! But then we just grabbed another glass of free champagne and did another lap of the party. Conspicuously absent were the People's Revolution crew. We heard that after a hard night of partying Whitney Port and Roxy Carmichael Olin ordered up $200 worth of room service! Who do they think is going to pay for that? When Kelly Cutrone gets that bill they're going to wish they ate Taco Bell instead.

Well, we're going to be paying for all the champagne we drank for about a week. But what a glorious time we had. Why can't every week be Miami International Fashion Week? We'll never know.

Fade in. Ms. Gaga, ever the generous host, is just chilling with her minions, listening to music.

She is wearing her razor-blade sunglasses, because a girl can never be too careful. The world assaults us with images! We must fight back! (Or, as she told MTV News: "I wanted to design a pair for some of the toughest chicks and some of my girlfriends - don't do this at home! - they used to keep razor blades in the side of their mouths… That tough female spirit is something that I want to project. It's meant to be, 'This is my shield, this is my weapon, this is my inner sense of fame, this is my monster.") I certainly hope you're taking notes.

FYI: Motherboard, barbed wire or fine screen door mesh manicures are the new hot shit. Adjust accordingly.

Suddenly, there's a flash of light.

A room! With Ukranian vodka! This must be a dream. Or a nightmare?

Coffin-like pods line the floor. Note the one which reads "Monster," as therein lies our heroine.

By the way: Since The Lady refers to her creative team as the Haus of Gaga, this scenario, naturally, takes place in the Bath Haus of Gaga.

The Lady emerges, wrapped up for freshness.

It's important to loosen up the joints and muscles after being transported — nay, kidnapped — into a questionable dimension. Working out with friends keeps you motivated.

Speeding through a hole in the time/space continuum often leaves a layer of grime. Bathing is a must.

Here, her eyes are wide with knowledge, not fear: She is a captive!

Product placement! Did you know that Dr. Dre, who has his own Beats By Dre headphones, worked with The Lady to make Heartbeats by Lady Gaga?

Back to the story: Gaga is ripped from the bath by her captors.

She is really just an innocent young thing, what could they possibly want with her?

Well, first they'd like to strip her of her latex garments…

…Then they'd like to force imported vodka down her throat. The usual Tuesday night stuff.

Fueled by liquor, Gaga is trussed up in a sparkly ensemble, robbed of her Burberry overcoat and forced to dance.

So many male bidders, so little time!

The Man With The Gold Chin Strap takes an interest in Ms. Gaga. Gold+Man= Goldman? As in Goldman Sachs? Is Gaga part of the bailout package?

Her brain aches; she must make a choice. She can flee. Sure. But she can also stay and dance her ass off, use this man the way he wants to use her. She could really, really use the money, you see…

…She's got a little problem with her spine. And Oxford won't cover the surgery.

So she dances. She seduces him because she has to. And because she can.

According to The Woman's Dictionary Of Symbols & Sacred Objects, the bond between cats and women has always been strong. There was a time that the patriarchy, suspicious of this connection, would accuse any woman seen talking to or petting a cat of witchcraft. Cats were sacred to the Ancient Egyptians, and festivals for the the cat goddess Bast were huge. The Norse goddess Freya rode in a chariot drawn by cats, and felines were generally thought to be magic. So save your shaved pussy jokes until the end.

Oooh, looky! Our favorite ankle-snapping Alexander McQueen shoes from his Spring 2010 show in paris. You know, the Futuristic Interplanetary Mutant Alien Queen one. Not Derelicte In Wonderland… that's so Fall 2009.

If you saw the McQueen ensembles and thought to yourself, "Who wears that? Now you know.

Anyway: Gaga drags herself and her bear carcass peignoir to do what she knows she must do.

Mr. Goldman awaits, hand creeping toward his stimulus package.

He'd like to see what he's purchased.

She's happy to oblige.

But! Little does he know — she has power, strength, and can, like a young Drew Barrymore, start fires with her mind.

(See, she has already informed the others that there will be a revolt! That's where the red and the leather come in: Viva La Revolucion!)

Yes, the bed is aflame. Fire can be symbolic of passion, but in this case, she is using it as a weapon, to destroy her enemy.

In the end, her sparkbra is saved, but Mr. Goldman? He is merely a charred skeleton.

The moral: Buy flame-retardant lingerie.

Here's the video clip, sans commentary. Enjoy.

Lady Gaga Says 'Bad Romance' Video Is About 'Tough Female Spirit' [MTV News]
Bad Romance Exclusive Premiere [Facebook]
Lady Gaga Bad Romance [YouTube]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
An Analysis Of The Underlying Themes In Britney's New Candie's Commerical

The much-hyped threeway was really a bit of a let down on what otherwise was a rather good episode. Jenny continued on the path to being queen bitch, supreme bitch; Serena and Blair almost kissed and made up; Nate served as nothing more than a prop; and Jenny's little gay shadow Eric finally came into his own. We hate him for that.

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Even as a blur, she still looks ravishing: +3
Total: +3
Season to Date: 42
Power Position: Up

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Purple!: -1, Purple bathrobe: -2, Black tux and red bowtie makes him look like he's wearing one of those T-shirts with a tuxedo printed on it: -2
Personality Flaw: Likes to be punished: +2 (cause we're into that)
Sexual Intrigue: His "lost weekend" with Nate is going to involve some gay ass shit: +1 (cause we're into that), Are we supposed to believe that Chuck and Nate "shared" a stripper? They totally shared each other: +2 (cause we're still into that)
Social Schemes: Orchestrates the Blair and Serena Reunion Special: +2, Cares enough to give them scotch and cookies when trapped in the elevator: +1, Tries to get them to make out: +1
Total: 4
Season to Date: 27
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Fashion Points: Jenny gives her headband a fashion neg: -1, Her midsection is being attacked by a giant, glittery, red, leech in the shape of a bow: -2
Power Play: Doesn't want to be compared to Lance Armstrong: +1, Is still messing with Cotillion: -1, Stupid Jenny disses her: -2, Reunites with Serena, and it feels so good: +2
Quip: "This is not your wedding day. Cotillion only happens once": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Tells Serena that Trip is bad news, and she's right: +2
Social Schemes: Can create a queen with a dose of expensive mascara, will power, and an icy stare: +2, Steals Jenny's date: +2, Jenny foils her plan to humiliate her: -1, Turns it into a victory by admiring Jenny's maneuvers and making it known she always backed her: +3
Total: 6
Season to Date: 16
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: That black off the shoulder number is quite fetching: +3, Until we see how short it is: -1, Shockingly wears an appropriate outfit to work: +1
Personality Flaw: Has major daddy issues: -2
Power Play: Tells Blair that Cotillion is the only place she still matters. Burn!: +2, Reunited with Blair and it feels so good: +2, Quits two jobs in two weeks: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Trip wants to bang her and he is as hot as a bakery on the sun: +2, He must be a really crappy Congressman if he hires Serena to work for him: -1, She is totally going to fuck Trip and then his crazy wife is going to come for her: (preemptive) -2
Total: 3
Season to Date: 3
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Never dance again!: -2, V-neck fashion neg: -1, Looking bustier than ever: +1
Personality Flaw: Thinks keg stands are acceptable behavior: -1
Power Play: Is single-handedly keeping a big-budget movie franchise sequel from happening: +3, Nerds hate him. If he were a big-budget movie franchise, he'd be toast: -1, Misses his sister's debut: -1, But it's to have a threeway: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Is telling people he had sex with Georgina. Ew: -1, Barely fights for his girlfriend when she's going to go off to be a movie star: -1, Let's Vanessa continue to constantly cock block him: -1, Until she is there for a threeway: +1, Threeway: +5, Vanessa is involved: -2, He just did it with his best friend. Awkward: -1
Total: 0
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Bonus: Against our better judgment, we like Olivia: +1
Personality Flaw: She can't study because she is stupid and they don't teach you anything in those joke schools kid stars go to on set: -2
Power Play: Won't be in Endless Knights 4: +2 (cause all good things must come to an end), Nerds love her. For a movie actress, that means huge opening weekend: +3, Holds a big-budget movie franchise hostage: +1, Has to do movie against her will: -1, The director kills the movie, not her: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Threeway: +5, Vanessa was involved: -2
Total: 5
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Up

Nate:
Fashion Points: Manbangs are gone again and his hair looks like rusty Brillo pad that has been stuck to the soap dish for two months: -2
Personality Flaw: He seems depressed. Maybe he should see a professional: (no points, just a warning)
Power Play: Let's Chuck order him around like Blair does her minions: -1, Teen girls love him. If he were a big-budget movie franchise, that would be huge: +3, Still "epic": +1, But, really, it's Cotillion: -1
Sexual Intrigue: He and Chuck totally got gay on their "lost weekend": +2, Nate's biggest fantasy has been fulfilled!: +2, But he still feels the need to use some stripper as a beard: -1
Total: 3
Season to Date: -6
Power Position: Down

Rufus:
Sexual Intrigue: Is married to the horniest pre-menopausal woman in the world: +3
Social Schemes: Still doesn't understand how society works: -1
WTF: Gave his daughter the middle name "Tallulah." He was never famous enough for that: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: -8
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Lady dreads!: -2
Personality Flaw: Knows all the gossip on the Endless Knights movies: -1
Power Play: Professional third wheel: -2, It leads to a threeway: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Threeway: +5, She is involved: -2, Sleeping with your best friend is really stupid: -2, Where was your video camera for the celebrity sex tape? You could have made millions!: -1
Total: -2
Season to Date: -28
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Her Cotillion dress is actually really nice: +3, Tiny gloves: -1
Power Play: She's no one at Cotillion: -2, Can't dance: -2, A really hot, rich, gay dude wants to be her Cotillion escort: +3, He's gay: -1, She was so condescending to Eric when leaving Cotillion. It was awesome: +2
Quip: "You're over. And so is that headband": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Losing her virginity to Nate finally paid off: +2
Social Schemes: Can not stop the Gay Shadow Rebellion of 2009: -1, Disses Blair as her Cotillion mentor: +3 (for balls!), Embarrassed on stage by Blair and Eric: -1, Gets to walk a second time: +3, With Nate: +2, Impresses Blair with her scheming skills: +2, Try as she might, there is no way that Eric and some short, plain girl can dethrone her: +3
WTF: Oh, Jenny. You'll always be a Brooklyn nobody: -2
Total: 13
Season to Date: -31
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Fashion Points: The jewels!: +2
Power Play: Running Cotillion makes her Queen Mean Girl For Life: +3, Gets a "Brooklyn girl" invited to Cotillion: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Your ex-boyfriend's coming back and you're gonna be in trouble, hey na, hey na, your ex-boyfriend's back: -2
WTF: She sees less of her kids than Jon Gosselin: -1
Total: 5
Season to Date: -32
Power Position: Up

Eric:
Personality Flaw: Knows he's a better person than Jenny: +2
Power Play: Finally came out of the gay shadows: +1, Gets hooked up with some short, plain girl: -1, Blair teams up with him: +4, Thinks he can dethrone Jenny: -2, His only ally now is some short, plain girl: -3
Sexual Intrigue: He totally did it at camp with the guy Jenny wants to take to Cotillion: +2, He's cute and rich: +1 (bonus), Gets dumped: -3
Social Schemes: He fucks with Jenny's date: +1, It's to "save her": -2, His plan gets foiled by some short, plain girl: -1, Effectively steals Jenny's date: +3, She beats him at his own game: -5
WTF: For years of living in the shadows: -30
Total: -33
Season to Date: -33
Power Position: Down

While Mad Men is a critical darling and its ratings are growing, it has never been a ratings bonanza for AMC and the pay is notoriously low. And after three seasons of being on "TV's best show," the siren song of more lucrative TV and movie roles may be irresistible. Plus, the way that series creator Matthew Weiner left things — Sterling Cooper as we knew it is dissolved, newly formed Sterling Cooper Draper Price may make it out of the Pierre Hotel, and Don's marriage is effectively over — almost any any character could be easily written out. So it would not be surprising if some of the regular characters disappear entirely from the show by next summer with nothing but a line of dialogue — "Oh, Peggy couldn't stand working next to Pete and Duck hired her after three weeks" — and a guest appearance or two.

Here your betting guide for who's coming back as a regular for Mad Men's fourth series, from most likely to call-your-agent.

Don Draper
Played By: Jon Hamm
Last We Saw Him: Lording over his new kingdom in a hotel room.
Why Stay: There wouldn't be a show without him.
Why Leave: After a great guest spot on 30 Rock, Hamm is getting more attention than anyone in the cast, for drama as well as comedy. He's also involved in several upcoming movies like Howl, The Town, and Sucker Punch.
Odds of Returning: 1: 1,000,000 (come on, there's no Mad Men without Don Draper)

Peggy Olsen
Played By: Elizabeth Moss
Last We Saw Her: Working for Don at the new firm.
Why Stay: She's a fan favorite with a great role and her character is on solid ground at the new firm.
Why Leave: To be a movie star! She's come a long way since her days on The West Wing. Between this an a well-regarded turn on Broadway opposite sushi-poisoned Jeremy Piven in Speed The Plow, now may be her time.
Odds of Returning: 1: 500

Roger Sterling
Played By: John Slattery
Last We Saw Him: Don's new best friend and business partner.
Why Stay: Roger gets all the ladies, funny lines, and best bits. Who doesn't want to play the scene stealer. Plus, Slattery and Hamm are besties.
Why Leave: There will be plenty of work for a veteran character actor like Slattery—work that probably pays a lot better.
Odds of Returning: 1:200

Pete Campbell
Played By: Vincent Kartheiser
Last We Saw Him: Don's new protege at the new firm.
Why Stay: He has a nice juicy, high-profile role that's far better than anything else he'll land.
Why Leave: He doesn't have a good reason.
Odds of Returning: 1: 100

Joan Holloway
Played By: Christina Hendricks
Last We Saw Her: The new office queen of Sterling Cooper Draper Price.
Why Stay: Because if she doesn't, we will slit our wrists.
Why Leave: Holloway is a sexy lady who has been on the fringes of TV for awhile. She may see this as her break. She's in next winter movie Life as We Know It, and she has proven to have the looks and the talent to anchor a TV show of her own.
Odds of Returning: 1: 75

Trudy Campbell
Played By: Alison Brie
Last We Saw Him: Delivering a cake in a wonderful red bucket hat.
Why Stay: Who else is going to nudge Pete in the right direction. And we need someone to show off retro fashions.
Why Leave: This isn't the biggest role, unless she and Pete get an upgrade.
Odds of Returning: 1:50

Harry Crane
Played By: Rich Sommer
Last We Saw Her: Eating one of Trudy's sandwiches at Sterling Cooper Draper Price.
Why Stay: He was saved by this plot twist, which means the writers have something in store for him.
Why Leave: Harry never gets to do much of anything, not even supporting character zany. He may want to stretch his legs.
Odds of Returning: 1: 10

Betty Draper
Played By: January Jones
Last We Saw Her: On the plane to Reno to get a divorce from Don with her future ex-husband Henry.
Why Stay: Because it would be great fun to watch Betty get tortured some more.
Why Leave: She has every reason to leave. Betty's storyline is at an obvious stopping point, at least as featured character. January Jones has been making the PR push, putting her boobs on GQ, hosting Saturday Night Live, and attaching herself to a number of projects. She also has a part in the upcoming Pirate Radio, so it certainly looks like she's planning a busy schedule away from Mad Men
Odds of Returning: 1:5

Sally, Bobby, and Gene Draper
Played By: Kiernan Shipka, Jared Gilmore, some baby
Last We Saw Them: On the couch with Carla being dazed by the TV.
Why Stay: They're kids. What, would they rather go to like real school? Also, they're Don's kids. You can't just erase them.
Why Leave: Or can you? If Betty leaves for good (maybe she and Henry settle in Reno and open a casino?) the kids go with her. And Bachelor Don is going to have plenty of babes to play with.
Odds of Returning: 3:1

Ken Cosgrove
Played By: Aaron Staton
Last We Saw Him: Left at the former Sterling Cooper, but as head of accounts.
Why Stay: A steady job—albeit a small part and, hey, maybe the writers need a way to a character to demonstrate life inside soulless McCann-Erickson.
Why Leave: Staton would be bummed to be cut, but it'd be really easy for him to go off and finally become a novelist.
Odds of Returning: 5:1

Bert Cooper
Played By: Robert Morse
Last We Saw Him: Keeping the sofa warm at his newest ad agency.
Why Stay: As an older gentleman, just like Cooper, if Morse leaves, there isn't going to be much work for him elsewhere. At least not with this high a profile.
Why Leave: He may not have a choice. Cooper doesn't do all that much, and when they need a big shock, it will be easy to give him a stroke/heart attack/Japanese armor accident at any time.
Odds of Returning: 10:1

Paul Kinsey
Played By: Michael Gladis
Last We Saw Him: Wishing Don had taken him instead of Peggy.
Why Stay: There's not much else for him on the horizon.
Why Leave: We have a feeling he doesn't want to, but if we're looking to streamline the cast, his peripheral character is an easy cut.
Odds of Returning: 75: 1

Sal Romano
Played By: Brian Batt
Last We Saw Him: Calling his wife from a pay phone before cruising the after he was fired from Sterling Cooper.
Why Stay: Well, he is effectively gone, but the way his storyline ended, he always seemed like he'd be back for more. Plus his "gay in the closet" storyline has tons of ways it could play out and lots of modern day implications.
Why Leave: He is already gone. Don could rehire him, but their main client is American Tobacco, the company that had him fired in the first place, so that seems about as likely as a Judy Garland Resurrection Tour.
Odds of Returning: 100 : 1 (but we really want him back!)

Thompson, you see, disappointed many of her fans earlier this fall when she signed a petition — along with a host of other boldface names, including Salman Rushdie, Natalie Portman, and Diane Von Furstenburg — demanding that Polanski be freed on charges relating to his rape of a 13-year-old girl in 1977.

Luckily, Caitlin Hayward-Tapp was nowhere near as abstemious as the View ladies: last week, the 19-year-old Exeter University student gutsily convinced Thompson to remove her name from the petition demanding Polanski's freeing. But as of this morning, Thompson's name was still on the petition, which is hosted on the website of French public intellectual Bernard Henri-Levy.

After we contacted her a few hours ago, Ms. Thompson's publicist told us that her client "...requested that her name be removed when she said she would. We have asked for confirmation from them but have not yet received it."

We also asked Mr. Henri-Levy's camp for an update, and Liliane Lazar, a former French professor who worked with him on the petition, responded, saying that Thompson's name will be removed Wednesday. As for why it would take several days to remove a line from a posting on a webpage, Ms. Lazar has yet to say.

Related: Thompson Talked Out of Support For Polanski by 19-year-old Student [Independent]
Polanski Business: In Which Emma Thompson Breaks My Heart [Shakesville]
Dear Emma... [Shakesville]

Earlier: Emma Thompson To Remove Name From Polanski Petition?
Letters From Hollywood: Roman Polanski's Rape Of Child No Big Thing

The season finale (directed by show creator Matthew Weiner himself) was all about Don's relationships and how he rectifies them in order to move on creating his own advertising agency. Usually happy to be the lone gunman, Don has to rally the troops in order to stake out on his own, which means checking his ego, doing some apologizing, and letting some of the people in his life know just how he really thinks about them. And Joan came back! And Trudy wore a killer hat. All was right with the world as it—and Don—strikes out in a new direction.

Don and Connie: As he has been all season, Hilton is a stand in for Don's father, who also got some face time this episode. We learn from Hilton that Sterling Cooper has been sold to a larger agency, one that Don—or anyone else for that matter—doesn't want to work for. Because of that, Hilton drops Don, which leaves him in the lurch because he had to sign a three-year contract to secure the Hilton deal in the first place.

But what he's really upset about is that he doesn't have his independence. He is energized by Connie's final question: is he going to be a whiner or is he going to be a winner? And with the promise that they'll do business again in the future, Connie gives Don the final push to try to take his future into his own hands.

This leads to the flashbacks concerning Don's father, who we learn wasn't happy with the price his crops were going to get in a cooperative, so he struck out on his own to do what was right for him. Instead of selling for cheap, Whitman Sr decides to hold onto his crop and sell it in the winter when it will fetch more money. Though Don tried to shed his past like a snake wriggling out of a dirty skin that was far too tight, he is still his father's son. When things aren't working out for him, he decided that he would rather do the right thing on his own and possibly fail, than succeed as an automaton for The Man.

This is later reinforced when we learn that Don's father was literally killed by caving in. When there isn't much money left, Don's stepmother convinces her very drunk husband that he has to sell his crop. He says he'll go immediately, and Don goes with him to make sure he doesn't literally fall off the wagon. But he doesn't even get on the road, when a spooked horse kicks him in the face and kills him. If he had stood by his principal and held onto his crop, he never would have been out there to be kicked in the first place, and might still be alive—or at least lived a bit longer.

While Don might be the indepence-at-all-costs, up-by-the-bootstraps, fuck-them-all-I-know-what's-right product of his father, he is determined not to be him. He is not bending over to get kicked in the face while McCann fucks him for the rest of his life.

Don and Roger: It was easy for Don to convince Bert Cooper to get on board with his plan of buying the agency (or striking out on their own, as they eventually do) since Cooper would be let go if the agency was sold again. However, it wasn't going to be a cake walk to convince Roger Sterling, who Don has spent the whole season trying to distance himself from.

It would seem that Sterling would much rather sit in his office counting his piles of coins like Scrooge McDuck while kicking back a few drinks and then going home to goose his pretty young wife before passing out in his expensive bed than actually run an ad agency. But he has the money and the accounts to make a new agency work, and it seems like he still has the ambition too. What he really needs is Don to supplicate himself, which he does with great sincerity. Roger hits the nail on the head when he tells Don he's no good at relationships because he doesn't value them. We see that with his home life as well as how things go around the office.

It's great that egotastic Don can be self actualized enough to know he needs Roger to deal with the clients and make them happy, since that's not in his grainy little heart. As we see during their scene at the bar when Roger tells Don that Betty is seeing Henry Francis, Don and Roger work much better when collaborating than they do when competing.

The other brilliant thing that Roger brings with him is St. Joan. As soon as Cooper brought up the fact that no one knows where anything is, we thought, "What a brilliant way to bring back Joan," and the vision of her sauntering in to save the day with her red hair coaxed into tight perfecting and the gold pen swaying seductively between her enormous knockers brought tears to our eyes. Welcome back, kiddo.

Don and Pete: Don has never been the biggest fan of man-child Pete, but both he and Roger know that Pete is the much better account man for the small (at first) firm they're planning than Ken Cosgrove, the upward failing buffoon who seems like he was made for a life in middle management. While Ken might have beat out Pete at Sterling Cooper because he was a yes man who could fit into the corporate culture, he doesn't have the instinct that Pete has to make it in the big time.

Of course, to get him, Don has to put his condescension aside and let Pete know that he will be a valued member of the team. Of course, Pete asks for more than he's worth, but better that than not asking for enough. This is really the best possible outcome for Pete. He was on the outs at SC anyway, and his interviews at other agencies may or may not have panned out, but he will succeed quite nicely at a firm that will value his gifts while overlooking the fact that he is an immature cad deep in his chewy center.

Speaking of great members of the team, Pete would really be nothing without Trudy. She fixes things up all nice when Don and Roger come a-calling, and excuses herself with a plausible story when they get there. When Pete starts to lose the way her call of "Peter, can I speak to you for a minute," sets him back on the right course. She isn't allowed into the conversation, but just knowing that she's listening turns his rudder in the right direction. She never strong arms, she just nudges. And then she brings sandwiches. And wears a cute hat! If Betty is gone for good next season, we're going to need someone to give us Suburban Splendor Barbie realness, and it's going to have to be Trudy.

Pete got over his hurt quickly and signed up, and another easy sell was Lane Price. Unhappy with being unappreciated, shuffled around, and generally maligned by his bosses and liking the life in New York away from the class constraints of his native land, Price was ripe for the crew to pick off. Considering he was integral to their plan to get the ball rolling, it's good he agreed. We look forward to seeing more of his strangely shaped head around the office. But, oh, his poor wife!

Don and Peggy: Don handled the Peggy situation all wrong, at least the first time around. He naturally thought of her first to take with him to the new agency, but he orders her about like he controls her. It's funny that Don has such a great way with seducing women in his private life but he can be so blind to what Peggy needs at work.

This whole season Peggy's storyline was about empowerment. She smoked weed, she slept around with a boy, she got an apartment and a roommate, she put her domineering mother behind her, she even got her secretary to respect her (even though winning over her colleagues was a bit harder). And finally, she realized that she has a promising career in advertising and a sexual being, both thanks to skeevy Duck. So when Don comes at her like she's a blubbering child, she finally stands on her own, letting him know that she has other offers, and that she is not there for him to kick around. Spurned, Don reacts the way he usually does when he doesn't get his way, by being a cocky asshole.

The way he handles her the second time was perfect though. Don uses his best pitching skills to win Peggy over. Don knows that things have changed—not just for him and the firm, but something fundamental in the culture—and that Peggy is necessary to keeping up with that shift. She's smart and creative and, like Don says, a miniature version of himself. She is often depicted as a mini Don, giving up her personal life for work, but this episode she seemed more like a grown up version of Sally. When Don makes his offer for a second time she says, "If I say 'no' you'll never talk to me again," and starts to tear up, betraying that all she really wants from Don is his approval. The scene where Don makes up with Peggy comes right after the scene where Sally storms off when he tells the kids he and Betty are getting divorced. It seems like Don making peace with Peggy, his office daughter, is somehow akin to him making peace with Sally.

Of course, Peggy agrees to join the team (she nearly broke our heart with joy with the tiny wave of excitement she made when storming the office) and her best moment was yet to come. When the newly assembled Mad Men All-Stars are planning to extricate themselves from the office, Roger tells her to go make him some coffee. She is a secretary no more, she is an equal member of the team, and she is strong and secure in her position. "No," she says in an even and forceful tone, which says, "You will never ask me to do that shit again."

Don and Betty: Wow, Betty actually did it! She asks for a divorce so that she can leave Don and marry Henry Francis. This was the only bit of tying up that had nothing to do with work. This year was very personal, focusing on the denizens of Sterling Cooper in their personal lives rather than in the office, so it was a bit surprising when the final episode centered around the creation of a whole new office. Of course, we couldn't forget about Don's disintegrating home life.

When he comes home drunk to confront Betty about Henry, he puts her journey this season into perspective: Betty was building a life raft. Everything she's done this year has been to get away from Don. Starting things with Henry, finding out his past, getting money from her father—it was her escape route. After all his transgressions, divorcing Don wasn't so much a circumstance, but an inevitability. Poor Betty, doesn't she see that she's leaping from one bad situation to the next. Henry Francis—who barely knows you but wants to marry you!!—will probably be just as bad and stifling as Don. Just as Don said, he gave her everything she wanted, and that wasn't enough, she still wasn't happy. Why does she think replicating it with Henry will have some magically different effect?

When Don chooses to insult her, he really knows how to do it. He calls her a bad mother which, duh, and then calls her a whore. There were several prostitute references last night which are that much more meaningful given Don's mother was a hooker. When he needs to show ultimate disdain for Betty, that's the word he goes for. When talking about the sale of Sterling Cooper, Roger says it's like going from "one john's bed to another." Painting the old firm to look like a whore is the surest way to get Don to distance himself from it. Also, Lane Price's assistant "Moneypenny" is really named Mr. Hooker. We don't know how that fits in, but...hmm?

Back to Betty and Don, she takes off for six weeks in Reno so that she can get an easy divorce from Don, because she can't prove that he's been unfaithful. Maybe she should make about three phone calls, because the wronged ladies shouldn't be that hard to dig up to testify against him. Of course bad mother Betty leaves the kids with Carla while she jets off with her new lover to Reno to get divorced/married. This makes us hate Betty.

Also, the scene where they tell the kids about the divorce was super painful to watch. Don tries his best to pitch the kids on the idea of their new life, but they're not buying it. Betty can't do anything but hide behind her hand and try to keep the tears in. Future lesbian Sally storms off, sad that daddy is leaving. Little Bobby pleads for daddy to stay, but he won't. No wonder this kid is going to be snorting lines with a very dapper, emotionally-distant Halston in the VIP lounge of Studio 54—he's working out some serious daddy issues. But when Don hugged his son and earlier when he climbed into bed with Sally, we see that he really cares deeply about his children, despite his cool demeanor. But he barely sees them now that they live in the same house, how much time is he going to spend with them now?

Sterling Cooper Draper Price, How May I Help You?: Don Draper's marriage may have dissolved, but his firm has just started. He, Roger, Bert, and Lane have drafted Peggy, Harry Crane, Pete, and St. Joan as their coalition of the willing to steal clients and bust into the art department (yes, we saw that someone placed a curlicue letter F in front of Art Department) to take whatever they can get their hands on.

This wasn't necessarily a cliffhanger, because the decisive action has been taken. We won't be left guessing "Will they leave?" a la "Who shot J.R.?" but we are left with plenty of questions to ponder over the winter (or in the comments section). Here are a few:

Now that Peggy and Pete are working in a tiny office together, are they ever going to come to terms with their past?

What is going to happen to Peggy and Duck? Is that still going on? Is he going to ruin Don's new agency?

Just what the heck is Bert Cooper going to do? There's no room for his armor and he can't take naps anymore. Do they even need him?

Lane Price's wife was unhinged before their stay in the U.S. became indefinite. How soon before she goes completely bonkers?

So, does this mean Betty is gone for good or are we going to get to see her staggering unhappiness with Henry?

How soon before Roger starts doing Joan again?

How soon before Doctor Rapist is killed in Vietnam?

Will they think of something interesting for Harry to do?

And what the heck is going on with Suzanne (nee Missy) Sally's teacher that Don was diddling? Why didn't he just go right back to her when Betty called it quits? Will she be coming back?

How sweet is Don's bachelor pad going to be? Just wait for the Mad Men furniture line at CB2.

If Don isn't married, is he just going to spend all of his time scoring ladies or just most of it?

1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

Yes, Gretchen, Tamra, Lynne, Vicki, and Jeana are our muses and we think that this is a fitting tribute for the start of what is sure to be a great season of foreclosures, petty disputes, and plastic surgery.

Gretchen Rossi Has a Dildo with a Cord

Empty
like feet searching for the ground while hurling
out of a plane. Empty like tingling
in the cheeks longing for the flapping rush of wind
and the taut explosion of a screaming descent.

Empty
like a love tank in a Prius that has no sparks
and no oil and is just cruising down a hill to crash
into the community's gate. The neighbors will swell
out of their houses—empty, all their goods pawned—

And they will watch as her bloody manicure
sweeps her hair out of her face and she begins
to climb back up the hill, past the empty homes. The mood
is foreboding and gnawing, like debt, like a husband
who doesn't yell, he talks

But when he talks, he is accused of yelling
because everything about his spouse is empty,
her head, her threats, her rhetoric, she is empty
like a puppet missing a hand
like a marionette bobbing

Up and down on yellow strings trying to force her
body into a desirable shape. She is just gilding it,
like a leather and diamond cuff, like Wonder Woman's
magic bracelets,
bullets deflecting in every direction.

The jewelry is designed by a beast, her
tanned hide stretched tight over ribs
like a fleshen xylophone. Hit her with mallets,
make her sing a song of peace as she brings the enemies
around a table, floods it with wine.

Watch them fight, watch them cower. There are
no angels here. Only the accused, eyes still
puffy from crying at the beach with her little creature terriers
named pain and vanity. She cares for them
but longs for a man

Blank as a slate to throw her around a cluttered garage.
There is no room for your grief in the flotsam.
Clear out a space for your dead husband's hospital bed, the Ming vase
urn, swirling with the blue lines of your tears
protecting the chunky ash.

Around the dinner table, let them talk about flowers,
let them talk about work
Let them talk about truth and grievances.
No victims, just someone to tell you to shut the fuck up
to seance the ghost of your gold digging succubus

Before the final empty accusation:
Gretchen Rossi has a dildo with a cord.

Finally, the last challenge of this dreadful season of our favorite the fashion design competition. It was yet another "here's some cash, go buy a hooker and some fabric, then make her an outfit" challenge. This time they had to be inspired by something at the Getty Museum and they imported the hookers from the show that dare not speak it's name that airs after Runway. It shouldn't be hard to get excited about beauty in the Getty, but the problem is that the collective talent pool of this group is about as deep as Mad Max's well. How can they be inspired by art when they wouldn't even know how to create something mildly interesting, or at least with a bit of color!

Things We Hated:

• Conspiracy Theories: We really hate it when people say things like "they know he's not talented, but they're keeping him around because he's good TV" and things like that. While we know this is television, we like to think that the competition's producers have at least a little bit of integrity. So now we hate ourselves for thinking that the final three is a great conspiracy by Lifetime to make sure that a woman wins this thing. Sure, the boys pretty much sucked this season (even though Epperson and Ra'Mon deserved more of a chance to show us the goods), but it's a little suspect when the final three are all woman and they are picked by an entirely female panel on Lifetime, television for women. We would never begrudge a woman success, but doesn't this just seem a little bit fishy?
• More Bitching about the Judges: Last night Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine had the gall to say "I don't know who Gordana is as a designer." That is because you didn't even know her name and had to look it up on an index card. Maybe you would have known her name and her (paltry) aesthetic if you bothered to show up every week to do your job. Also, Ms. Kors couldn't make it in for the final judging when two designers were booted off and the final contestants are picked. Isn't that a pretty big deal? And if we couldn't get MK to do the duty, why not ask Tim? Other than Heidi, he's the only person that has seen the work week in and week out.
• Choosing Sides: It seems like the producers are working really hard to make the "bitch edit" happen and have all the designers hate each other. It's like if they manufacture some drama it might distract us from the fact that they are all no-talent, no-personality hacks.
• Having No One to Root For: Does anyone care who wins this whole thing? We don't.
• Michelle Pfieffer and Aston Kutcher: Wow, how sad is it for these two that they're now making movies for Lifetime. And how sad is it that Lifetime thinks we'd actually watch this movie. We'd rather tune in for a Dude, Where's My Car marathon than this sappy estrogen fest.
• Being Bored by Runway: Every reality show has its good years and its bad years. But we just hate hating Runway. It's off year just came at the worst possible point, with a new network and a new production company, which probably means that everyone is going to jump ship and in a year we'll be talking about how "remember when Runway used to be good?" We don't want to give up on it, but this season is making it hard.

Things We Loved:

• Cindy Crawford: Damn, how good does she look guest judging!
• Tim Gunn: It was so sweet when Tim told the designers to go "knock Nina Garcia (FDMCM)'s stillettos off so they fly across the runway." But really, did he think that was going to happen? No. But it's cute that he's still enthusiastic.
• The End: Thank God this season is over. Let's all pray that next season is great again and then instead of saying "remember when Runway was good on Bravo" we can just say "God, remember that really shitty season they rushed into production because of a lawsuit? That was the worst."

In the end, both Gordana and Cry-stopher were sent home to crush smurfs and drown in their tears in solitude. It's not like we'll miss either of you, but it is a little crushing that there won't be one Y chromosome in the finale. But they really deserved to be auf-ed, Cry-stopher for his heavy skirt and runway theatrics, and Gordana for her dress that looked like a giant vagina Georgia O'Keefe painting.

Carol Hannah's stunning gold column, Althea's messy gold somethingorother, and Irina's swishing seafoam structured muumuu were enough to take them to the final in Bryant Park. Yay! The end is in sight.

But there was no end to the bitchiness, the crying, or lack of inspiration this week. To the videos!

Art Thieves
Context: The designers stroll around the Getty Museum looking for inspiration.
Vision: That using something beautiful will help them create beautiful clothing.
Delusion: Silly designers, you need talent to turn art into something creative.
What Would Nina Say?: "What's your name again?"
Dramometer: 4

Fashion Factions
Context: It's Carol Hannah and Althea vs. Irina and Gordana in a fight to the death. But only three will survive.
Vision: Bitching about the other designers will someone make your work better.
Delusion: None of you deserve to be there, and the audience hates all of you. So there!
What Would Nina Say?: "Who is fighting with whom?"
Dramometer: 6

Under the Gunn
Context: Tim Gunn knows that Cry-stopher is going to make an ugly dress and go home. It's what he's been doing for about a month of episodes now—minus the going home part.
Vision: Using a rock to make a dress.
Delusion: Better to use scissors and paper to cut it to shreds, roll it up in a ball, and just throw it away.
What Would Nina Say?: "Tim, why are you talking to that...that, boy!"
Dramometer: 4

Runway Arrogance
Context: Althea watches her dress walk down the runway.
Vision: She uses a bed as inspiration and makes something that is actually pretty cool.
Delusion: No delusion here, other than that having the best dress means she's a great designer.
What Would Nina Say?: "If I knew who you were, I would pick this as a winner."
Dramometer: 3

Meltdown of the Week
Context: Cry-stopher defends his dress with, what else, tears! He compares himself to a rock with a piece of algae on it. That's funny, because we think of him more like a mildewy prom dress that has been left in your parents' basement for 20 years. Really, this is the sorriest thing we've seen since we watched Kim Zolciak sing "Tardy for the Party" live.
Vision: That getting emotional will make the judges see that he made something great.
Delusion: Except the skirt is ugly and looks like a Victorian hooker after she's been graffiti-ed on.
What Would Nina Say?: "I don't know who you are, but I know you won't stop blubbering."
Dramometer: 7

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

Instead of opening to a buzzing chorus and a heat-seaking Slushie cruising down the hallway, we are introduced to Fabio, who will be the heavily-accented Virgil for our tour through this fresh hell. Apparently this episode is meant to show us what all of our favorite Glee club members are going to look like in 10 years. Apparently they have all become chefs and been on some sort of reality show, but not all at the same time. They have also given up singing and dancing, which is sad.

He starts bringing in all these people we don't even recognize. First is some chucklehead who must be Finn after getting married: bloated, haggard, but still walking around with that confidence that says he has the biggest dick in the locker room. Then in saunters Mercedes, the big girl with the big voice and plenty of sass to back it up. She's also pulled a Michael Jackson and lightened her skin a whole lot.

Then the Will Schuester arrives. He is going by Ilan these days, and he is still cute in a nerdy way and a little bit too earnest. Shortly after comes Puck, throwing about oblivious bravado just like he used to swings about his massive man guns, except now his mohawk has grown out into a nest of scary nettles. Babygay Kurt's has grown into chubby adolescent and screeches when he sees the sexy and kinda mean Quinn Fabray, who has dyed her hair brown and is wearing a very cute outfit that is nothing like a cheerleader's uniform. They are joined by some guy named Hung who was one of those silent Asians in the background of the Glee club who they trot out whenever they need someone to do break dance moves.

Next is Ken Tanaka, with a face that looks like it was attacked by a hive of bees and a haircut only a lesbian could love. Speaking of which, in saunters Sue Motherfucking Sylvester. Well, at least we thought so, until we realized that this dykey lady was about as funny as spending a night in county jail for public urination. What could have happened to ruin her spirit?

Finally the diva of the show arrives, but Rachel has gone from an awkward, strangely attractive and totally totally self absorbed bitch into an awkward, strangely attractive tall black woman with giant eyes. She's not nearly so full of herself though. Then we see that pot-dealing, Josh Groban-loving Sandy has gone back in the closet. What a sad day to see him without the protection of a sherbet colored sweater tied around his neck like he was pretending to drive to the country club.

Now that we've met the dramatis personae, we're ready for them to start talking about how they're going to put on the show. A little doo-wop and be-bop later, and we'll have ourselves a cheerleader-themed production number that will make every hair on your body stand on end for two whole minutes before falling off your body in exhaustion. It's like the television equivalent of a full-body wax, and it hurts so good. Well, they start talking...and talking and talking. We keep seeing flashbacks of them actually doing things—namely cooking and bitching at each other—but now that are not doing anything. It's like a third year high school reunion, where everyone is still far too familiar and the wounds are as fresh as newly-picked hemlock.

Fabio the Fabulous must be the director, because he's going around and talking to everyone and trying to find out about their character's motivations. We're ready for him to start blocking a scene or something, but instead he just seems to be practicing to host a reality show all his own. Finally, he starts to get things rolling by pulling out this crazy block with a bunch of knives sticking out of it. We get prepared for the massacre, as each gang of two (or three in the case of Babygay Kurt, Quinn, and nameless Asian) draws their weapon. But they're not fighting, they're just randomly assigning numbers. Somehow this translates into Rachel and Sandy having to make dessert, which is funny because Rachel would never eat dessert or else it would ruin her elliptical-based aerobic exercise regime and Sandy only eats dessert when he's stoned. Any situation this tedious would probably sober him up right quick.

Next thing you know, everyone is in the supermarket. This is like some kind of fever dream, when you expect to see Judy Garland dance with Mickey Rooney, and instead you get a Nicolas Cage chewing the scenery up and down a liquor store aisle as he fulls his cart full of the booze that he's going to use to kill himself. But instead of Nic's bad hair, you have a whole bunch of bad lesbian hair all competing for your attention. And it is dotted with all these wretched reminders of better days, when they were playing this awesome game that was judged by beautiful, wise, and witty people, including Parvati, the Hindu goddess of love. But these xenophobes keep mispronouncing her name and calling her Padma. God, Americans are so stupid. There is no mention of the evil goddess Kali, who once ruled the land, but was replaced by someone more charismatic and photogenic.

Then they go back and cook, but not in a way like they're actually trying to get something done (except for nameless Asian who is all high kicks and head spins around that kitchen like he's the third chorus boy in Barefoot Contessa: The Musical!) Rachel is talking about how stressful life is as a star. Sandy is walking around trying to prove how straight he is by hitting on all the lesbians. The lesbians are rolling their eyes, and Sue Motherfucking Sylvester doesn't even threaten one person except with her scowl, which could peel the hides off of a battered cardboard box of newborn puppies.

Director Fabio is making the rounds and asking everyone what they are doing, but we don't really care. We're just thinking that after this extravaganza of tedium that there has to be a great closing number with tap dancers, showgirls in headdresses, and stairs that light up when they are stepped on. Instead they all sit down to dinner. The only way this could be good is if Fabio puts on a corset and a curly wig gets Rachel in a maid's outfit and Finn as a bald butler to flank him for a rendition of "Eddie's Teddy" from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and at the end of the number he rips the table cloth off the table to reveal the body of dead goddess Kali below. But they don't, and we still don't know what happened to Kali Joel.

Instead, they sit around and talk about how hard it is to be on reality television and how no one understand them. Puck has it the worst, apparently, but it seems he deserves it because he behaves so appallingly that it makes it seem like he has some sort of personality disorder. In the middle of all this, Fabio gets all incensed for no reason. We think he's going to suddenly blow his top and scream "prostitution whore" and flip over a table, but instead he just makes some speech that we couldn't quite understand because the only Italian words we know are puttanesca and DiGiorno, which we think means delivery.

They're all eating and everyone likes most of the food, except everyone agrees that Babygay Kurt's pirogi thing is about as bad as that "Single Ladies" song the millionth time you've heard it. Then there are more memories, good and bad and more bitching. We have to check the calendar, because it seems like Thanksgiving came early this year, except we don't get to eat any of our mother's famous Indian Pudding (maybe Parvati stole it?) and we just get all the fighting. Finn tries to keep everything positive, but despite the swagger, no one listens to him anymore because he's fat now. Quinn and Rachel try to make nice and say that Rachel has forgiven Quinn for ruining her life, but we know she was kicking her under the table through the entire meal. She has very long legs now.

After more misty watercolor memories of everyone playing and getting drunk in some dirty room that must be Mercedes' basement where everyone goes to party after an especially tough rehearsal, the whole thing is over. Like sex with a bad hooker or a community theater production of Into the Woods, it ends with no climax, with no big final scene, and it took way too long to get there. We can't wait for next week when everything is back to normal, because this episode of Glee sucked.

Stars Cross the Lily Pond
by Betsey Morgenstern
Hamptons.com Contributor

Last night there was another packed crowd at the Lily Pond, the hottest nightclub in all of East Hampton, and the dance floor was especially star studded, with the likes of Whitney Port, Roxy Carmichael Olin, and Sammie Somethingorother in town for the weekend staying at the Fackelmayer's luxe compound. Nearly identical brothers Freddie and Harry couldn't have been dressed more differently for the late night fun. Harry came wearing a T-shirt and shorts, looking like he just finished a shift at the Crab Shack down the street and was stopping by for a drink on his way home. The buff and bronzed Freddie, however, was wearing an open tuxedo shirt and jacket, looking like he had just been thrown out of the End Alopecia Now benefit that was happening earlier that evening at McGuffan's Farm.

While the gemini brothers couldn't have looked more different, they both had the same goal: to score with Whitney. Apparently Whitney insisted on bringing her friend Roxy C.O. along for the weekend, much to everyone's chagrin. We hear that Sammy tried to swerve her Audi when Roxy was sticking her head out the sunroof so that she would be hurled headlong into the gutter, never to bray or instigate ever again. Her plan did not work. Neither of the Fackelmayers, with their upper-class, East Coast cool, could stand the brash California girl, and she was left to do the Tiffani dance all by herself while wearing a pair of glowing green sunglasses.

Harry (who I met when dating his brother Freddie, full disclosure!) ambled over and told me that he was thinking of hitting on Sammy, but she just wasn't that cute, and was on the prowl for another girl. I said, "What about Whitney. She's really giving you the signals."

At that moment, she was on the dance floor grinding with Freddie, who was popping the cork off a bottle of champagne and making sure that his girl was having a good time. I told Harry, who was a little drunk, that was the chance to make his move. He went in to kiss her, but Whitney kept turning her head. "I love you," I overheard him say as I sat on a banquette nearby watching the action. Freddie could clearly see the scene play out, and he bent over and shouted something to Roxy C.O., but I couldn't hear over the thump of the music from DJ Skeezy, who once asked me if I would do a line of coke off his penis. It's not as difficult as you would think.

Freddie made his way back over to Whitney, and Harry slumped over with the look of defeat all over his face where his limp bangs usually hang. I sat next to him and patted his knee and told him everything would be fine. As he slipped his hand under my blouse (but over the bra), I thought of an even better plan. "Hey, why don't you tell Whitney that I'm Freddie's girlfriend and that she should break up with him. Then maybe she'll sleep with you."

Harry weaved his way through the crowd of glamorous hangers on, stepped over Sammy, who was making out on the floor with Ship Needermacker, heir to the Needermacker frozen waffle fortune, and sidled up to Whitney. I swished my martini around and mustered up my biggest scowl as Harry whispered in her ear and Whitney's face festered with even more confusion that usual. It was like someone just told her that her little puppy hadn't been sent to a farm in Connecticut to live with Martha Stewart, but really wound up under the wheels of Lizzie Grubman's SUV. She grabbed Roxy C.O. and told Sammie to stop being a slut on the sticky floor of a suburban club because it was time to storm off in a huff.

I went over to Harry to ask what happened, and he slumped onto my shoulders like a lonely corpse. I patted his head and thought he was going to cry. Then he vomited down my back, and it was time to leave.

The next morning, I had to find out the scoop and hid out in the shed next to the Fackelmayer pool. As the brothers did cannonballs, I could see the three witches plotting inside throwing little ingredients into a cauldron. Sammie would stir and Roxy would throw back her head and emit painful bleats that made the boys cower like Glenn Close taking a shower in The Big Chill. They came downstairs and coven leader Roxy gave Freddie a piece of her mind, but Whitney wanted to do the talking. She changed a spell of truth, and Freddie had no choice to admit his girlfriend and say he was sorry, but offerend no explanation.

Then I burst out of the shed, leaves still in my hair and chucks of dried puke flaking off my dress and shouted, "It's me! He's in love with me!" and the witches screamed, running with hands over head like a gaggle of crazed hula dancers. They ran right to the Audi and shuttled back from the city. It might have been a shaky night, but this party ended with the best of mornings.

Interview with Betsey Morgenstern, Blogger for Stylehive.com
By Olivia Palermo

There are many style blogs on the internet, but the bloggiest belongs to Betsey Morgenstern, the girl who has something to do with Stylehive.com.

Olivia Palermo: Hi Betsey. How are you?
Betsey Morgenstern: I'm fine, how are....

OP: That's great to hear. So, how would you describe your personal style?
BM: Well, I really like a mix of fashion-forward and more...

OP: That's awesome. I have something like that myself. Who are your favorite designers?
BM: Right now I'm really into Jason...

OP: I'm friends with Phillip Lim. And I lost my virginity in Zac Posen's hot tub on Fire Island. What trends are you seeing now?
BM: The thing that's going to be a hit for fall is...

OP: Great. That's all I need.
BM: What? You wouldn't even let me say...

OP: I'm leaving. Bye.

OK!
"Yes! We're In Love"
Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are so on! Swift is hosting SNL November 7, and Lautner may appear! And Lautner may take Swift as his date to the New Moon premiere! Also: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a "couple's self-therapy session" when they met up at his hotel in Beverly Hills and talked through their problems. Moving on: Kate Hudson and A-Rod may get hitched. A Source says: "He wants to think of a creative and cute way to pop the question." Kate loves to joke, "I don't look like a Rodriguez, so you'll have to take my name." Khloe Kardashian says: "We definitely want a big family. Lamar keeps asking me when I want to start!" Margaret says: You've only known each other for two months, so you have time. Lastly: The kids from Glee get the tabloid treatment when the mag asks, "More than just friends?" When you read the article, you find the answer: No.
Grade: F (fetid quagmire)

Life & Style
"I Love Being Pregnant"
Where are the covers which read "I Hate Being Pregnant!" or "I Feel Fat & Gross"?? Anyway: Kourtney Kardashian is "excited to be a mom" but also "nervous." YAWN. Moving on: Britney Spears wants to marry Jason Trawick! She says the sex is great! But an insider says: "Jason truly cares about Britney. Nobody doubts that. But in terms of real chemistry, it's not really there. It's more like they're best friends with benefits." Next: We don't even know what to say about "Taylor's Last Shirtless Photo Shoot," (see image 7) and we might go to jail for looking at it, so let's move on. The story titled "Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson: Love At 30,000 Feet" is, unfortunately, not about joining the mile high club. Instead we learn that the two secured the entire first class section of an Alaska Airlines flight for themselves — and sat next to each other. Brad and Angie found time for a "date night." The caption on a picture of them in a car reads: "The Look Of Love: As Brad drove his new Camaro, 'Angelina looked at him with an expression of admiration,' says a witness." Lastly: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are having a marriage crisis. A friend says he's gotten into trouble with Fergie over his flirting before — and usually he "crawls back to her and begs for forgiveness." Now the allegations are that he hooked up with a stripper and a source says: "Fergie's in denial. She's going on like it's business as usual."
Grade: D- (murky bog)

Us
"Fergie Betrayed"
Don't you just love how the cover shows Ferg looking innocent and her man with a wandering eye? Stripper Nicole Forrester was allegedly offered $20,000 for her story about having sex with Josh Duhamel — but has yet to collect. She did pass a lie detector test and is in "possession of racy texts." She says a seemingly inebriated Josh "wanted to party" so they watched porn, then hooked up. They fell asleep together and he kept waking her up to have more sex. Josh's rep denies everything. Next: Rihanna says, "I am stronger, wiser and more aware" now. And: "You don't realize how much your decisions affect people you don't even know — like fans." Jennifer Aniston had a tipsy night out at some wedding — she was "the life and soul" of the party and danced to "Paparazzi." Jude Law and Sienna Miller are hooking up — a source says "They're fooling around again, but I'm not sure if they're dating." Kate Hudson and A-Rod "love having sex." People will call her and she'll say "we're having nap time," which is what they call their sex time. Brad and Angie attended a party thrown by Times columnist Nicholas Kristof. He says: "I emailed Angie last minute — and they came." No limos for these kids — Brad drove himself and Angie there in a Chevy Camaro. Lastly: The Lindsay Lohan spread called "What's Wrong With Her Face" just made us sad (see image 8).
Grade: D (mucky swamp)

In Touch
"The Fight For Suri"
Tom wants Suri to be homeschooled, as is common in Scientology, and Katie wants her to go to Catholic school when she turns 5. Kate has become disenchanted with Scientology, and she doesn't like that Tom's other kids, Connor and Isabella — who were homeschooled — have very few friends, and the friends they do have are Scientologists. Katie is also freaked out by Scientology's reluctance to give kids medicine and assigning kids chores at a young age. Plus, she doesn't like that Suri's Scientology nanny has been giving Suri a drink called Calmag, which is made with calcium, magnesium, vinegar and hot water, and "relaxes children." The mag calls Suri "an adult at age 3" because she uses the dictionary — her nanny encourages her to look up words she doesn't know when reading; she doesn't play with kids and has no friends her own age. Moving on: "No Longer Embarrassed By Their Boobs" is four pages about women who have changed their breasts: Megan Fox got implants; Queen Latifah got a reduction; Drew Barrymore got a reduction and Christina Aguilera got implants because she was insecure. Next: Angelina found out that Brad's been texting Jen by going through his cell phone while he was asleep. He didn't deny it and admitted to Angie that he misses his ex-wife; Angie spent the rest of the day in tears. But! "That night, she made a point of appearing with Brad in public." And! Brad doesn't care how upset Angelina is — he's going to continue texting his ex-wife. In Fergie/Josh news, one source says Josh is so in love with Fergie and none of the cheating rumors are true. Fergie is apparently "sobbing" behind the scenes. Michael Lohan is now bad-mouthing Jon Gosselin, saying: "Jon has become secretive and distant. He has become a different person than I thought he was." By which you mean he wants nothing to do with you?!?! Janet Jackson has reunited with Jermaine Dupri and is planning to marry him. Janet is planning to eventually raise Michael Jackson's kids and thinks it would be good for them to have a father figure. She'd like to get married early next year — "the family needs something to smile about," a source says. Tony Romo is dating Candace Crawford — Chase's sister — and Jessica Simpson is "heartbroken" because Tony has invited Candace to live with him. Jess totally wanted to live with Tony when they were together, but he said No. Lastly, "Who Wore It Better" pits celebrity children against each other, regardless of age: That's why Lourdes has to battle Suri. (See image 9)
Grade: D (gassy marsh)

Star
"Angie & Brad's Dark Secrets Exposed!"
Ian Halperin, who's done unauthorized books on Kurt Cobain and Michael Jackson, is writing a new salacious tell-all, called Brangelina Exposed. He claims that Angelina throws things at Brad. She makes comments about Jennifer Aniston all the time, like, "You'd be just as miserable with Jen" — and Brad shoots back, "Jen would never act like you." Brad is depressed and deals with by smoking pot and drinking almost every night. Brad is also "slipping in and out of his home" through neighbor's yards to meet "a waiting Town Car that spirits him away from his family drama." Oh, and Brad is "drinking away his looks." (See image 10.) Meanwhile, Angie is in an ongoing lesbian relationship with Jenny Shimuzu. Jenny started calling after Angie's mom died and "there's always bee an animal attraction between them." Angelina has another lady on the side near their chateau in France; she's an artist around Angie's age and they see each other whenever Angie is in town. Finally, they have a "whole crate" of intimate pictures and video that Brad took during the early days of their relationship. Scandalous! Moving on: Jessica Szohr brought her boyfriend Ed Westwick to a friend's wedding in Milwaukee and after a couple of drinks, she made Ed do a special dance for the bride. It involved Ed shirtless. (See image 11.) If you want a Lady Gaga My Little Pony, it'll cost you $589 and up! (See image 12.) Blind item! "Which hunky actor is a real stinker? His girlfriend has refused his kisses because of his seriously bad breath. Maybe that's the reason they're constantly on and off." (How about: All of them.) Chris Martin was seen making out with Kate Bosworth in the VIP section of U2's Las Vegas show. Other stars in the VIP section at the time include Bill Clinton, Jessica Alba and Sean Penn. Later Bosworth was telling people about being good friends with Gwyneth, maybe to justify her actions? Supposedly Chris has had a crush on her since he saw Blue Crush. Levi Johnston is going to sue Sarah Palin because she's preventing him from seeing his son. Next: Is Nicole Richie wearing a wedding band? Did Adam Lambert dump his boyfriend for another guy? Also inside: Britney Spears is planning a spring wedding to Jason Trawick. Their relationship is the result of a devious plan by Brit's parents, Jamie and Lynn: They stared trying to hook Britney and Jason up in 2007 — but Jason was fat then, and didn't have the dangerous side that Britney likes. The parents decided that Jason needed to get hotter — and fast! They were so crafty that Britney believed the makeover was her idea: She had her hairstylist dye his hair and give him a better goatee; and they've been working out together everyday. Peep Jason's new look — and his old look, which is K-Fed-esque (See image 13). Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are falling apart. They were arguing in the car before a GQ event; Demi was upset that Ashton was pounding beer. She said it was immature to drink so much before the party. Plus, she's "always uncomfortable" when he's around pretty young women, and she doesn't want him going out without her — for fears that some young starlet will snap him up. Do you get it yet? SHE IS OLD. Lastly: Michael Bublé's ex is warning his current girlfriend that he's "a cheater and a rat." The ex says that he was sleeping with her during his 3-year relationship with Emily Blunt.
Grade: D+ (dense wetland)

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Scientology refugee Marc Headley has written a book called Blown For Good—featuring a dramatic, action-scene-type cover—detailing his 15 years of work inside Scientology. The Village Voice interviewed him about his 1990 "auditing" session performed by Days of Thunder-era Tom Cruise himself.

"You do a lot of things with a book and a bottle," Headley says. "It's known as the book-and-bottle routine." Cruise, he says, would instruct Headley to speak to a book, telling it to stand up, or to sit down, or otherwise to move somewhere.

"You do the same with the bottle. You talk to it. You do it with an ashtray too," he says. "You tell the ashtray, 'Sit in that chair.' Then you actually go over and put the ashtray on the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle, and the book. And you do this for hours and hours."

This was supposed " to get your intention over to the bottle...to rehabilitate your ability to control things." Well then. Tom Cruise can control books and bottles with his mind and don't ever let anyone tell you different.

Headley also says that there are only about 10,000 Scientologists in the whole world. They could be whupped by the Unitarians!
[Village Voice. Pic by Richard Blakeley]

Last night, Nate's cousin Trip was elected the only prepubescent member of the House of Representatives ever. The only thing exciting about that is that his crazy wife made the biggest power play of the evening, setting up a fake drowning to get both Nate and his meddlesome grandfather out of their lives. Brilliant. Why couldn't Blair do something like that instead of just messing with some lousy hooker. Still, on this hour of the caviar wishes and champagne nightmares of New York's upperclass, there were plenty of shifty dynamics.

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Should have known better than to let Blair parade around in that gold metalic number: -2
Power Play: Why didn't Blair turn to her when she needed a friend?: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: 39
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: This man does wonders for a pinstriped suit and a bowtie: +3, Puts the Vanderbilt campaign in a hotel suite with a picture of a girl's crotch wearing panties: -3
Personality Flaw: Knows prostitutes: -1, On second thought, we think it's pretty awesome that Chuck knows lots of hookers: +3
Power Play: Pleases the Vanderbilts: +1, Can't control anyone at his party: -2, Is getting the hostile media to like his hotel: +1, Stands by when Blair gets caked: -1
Quip: "Ladies, this is a classy party, not some sample sale at an outlet mall": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Really loves Blair: +1, Let's Blair clean the cake out of her hair by herself, not by washing it out in the tub for her Out of Africa style: -2
Total: 1
Season to Date: 23
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Extracurricular Activities: Everything about the "sneak peek" of Leighton Meester's music video—the glittery outfit, the clown makeup, the giant hair, looking like a Britney Spears rip off. Just no: -6
Fashion Points: That hideous gold dress and matching coat: -2, Apparently wears all the same clothes as a hooker: -2
Personality Flaw: Doesn't know that Brandeis is clearly a call girl or stripper name: -1
Power Play: Has no friends now that she pissed off Serena: -2, Knows the difference between friends and staff: +1, Pretends she doesn't know Vanessa: +3, Plays frenemies with Serena: +1, Calls Serena a prostitute, because, hello!: +3, Serena lets her eat cake: -4, Thinks Serena is jealous of her because she's in college and has a hot boyfriend: +1, Calls out Serena for dating a poor and having a shitty job: +3
Quip: "No one ever accused [Serena] of saying no.": +1, "He's drunker than Paula Abdul during Hollywood week.": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Only helps get Serena's drunk mess boyfriend out of the party to help Chuck: +2, Has no friends, only Chuck: -3, Things could be worse if your only ally is a sexy, well-dressed, rich power broker: +2
Social Schemes: Thinks about remaining friends with a hooker: +1, Ditches her as soon as she finds out that the skank used her to get rich clients: +2, Seriously, Blair Waldorf should be able to outsmart a hooker named Brandeis: -4
Total: -3
Season to Date: 10
Power Position: Down

Serena:
Fashion Points: That tie-dyed top would be bad enough even if the draping didn't make her boobs like like warped, deflated balloons: -2,
Personality Flaw: Is the go-to girl when people like Trip want to talk about nothing of substance: -3,
Power Play: Lands on Page Six: +1, It's the big story at the top of the page: +3, But no picture: -1, Running K.C.'s errands: -1, If she's only as good as her social network, then this girl is doomed: -1, Has no come back when Blair calls her a prostitute, because it's pretty on the nose: -3, Pushes Blair in a cake!: +6, Can't tell that Blair really misses her: -1, Apologizes to Blair by pointing out all of Blair's faults: +2 (for brazenness), Can't get Blair to reconcile: -1, Quits her stupid PR job: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Her fake boyfriend Patrick is sick hot: +2, She makes him put his clothes back on: -1, More than once: -2
Social Schemes: Ruining Nate is coming back to haunt her: -1, Tries to make up with Blair like grown ups: +2, Plays frenemies with Blair: +1, Let's a barely legal congressman buy her drinks when she's underage: -2, She can use that dirt against him: +3
Total: 6
Season to Date: 0
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Still looks good shirtless: +3
Power Play: That "Bathroom Boy" thing is a really lame story to be embarrassed by: -2, Gets name checked on Fallon: +3, It's still only Fallon: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Why is he spending the night in Olivia's dorm when he has a Brooklyn pussy den all to himself?: -2, Lighting a bunch of candles and telling a celebrity she thinks she's nifty continues to get him laid: +4, We saw their first date, and it was them rushing off for a slice, nothing having to do with bathrooms, sweating, hand dryers, spiders, or any of that other bullshit: -3
Total: 2
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Personality Flaw: Has had publicists so long, that she's bad at being herself: -1, Enjoys Humphrey Board Game Night: -1
Power Play: Can only get on Fallon: -2, Gets Fallon to apologize: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Falls for Dan's whole "candles in the pussy den" trick. Just because there is mood lighting doesn't mean it's any less of a pussy den: -2
Social Schemes: Gets stuck hanging out with Jenny when Dan storms out of the apartment: -2
Total: -7
Season to Date: -7
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Fashion Points: Looks even shittier in his shirt with no tie and rumpled manbangs standing next to Chuck: -1
Personality Flaw: Cowardly enough to stand by and watch as Trip rescues a guy: -2
Power Play: Thinks his grandfather won't play dirty: -1, Serena goes over his head and gets invited to Trip's party: -1, Helps Trip get elected: +4, Thinks a hottie like Trip needs something other than a good headshot to get elected: -1
Social Schemes: Figures out the hero thing is a scam. That must have made his brain bleed: +2, Screws Vanessa over by sending a fake agent to buy her video footage: +3, Bonus for screwing over Vanessa: +1, Tells Vanessa not to be self righteous. God, how many times have we said that!: +2, Takes the fall for Trip: +2, Plays right into his cousin-in-law's plan: -1
Total: 7
Season to Date: -9
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Personality Flaw: Indulges in his board game fixation: -3, Doesn't feed anyone: +3
Total: 0
Season to Date: -10
Power Position: Down

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Is meeting someone at Cafeteria. What is she, a gay man?: -1, If she were a gay man, she would know that the far superior elmo is just up the street: -1
Power Play: Is gone so much, Dan is getting mad laid: +2 (cause that's what friends are for), Gets Vanderbilt access: +1, Sells her rescue footage: +2, But only to NY1: -2
Social Schemes: Uncovers the "hero" scam: +2, Tells Nate about it instead of acting: -2, Let's Nate fool her into selling the footage to the wrong person: -2, Exposes the whole scam: +5, Only on NY1: -1
Total: 1
Season to Date: -26
Power Position: Down

Lily:
Personality Flaw: Realizes that not everyone wants to play board games all the time. Hallelujah!: +7, Forgot that she had a little gay son again: -2
Total: 5
Season to Date: -37
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Looks better pale, sick, and in her bathrobe than in one of her trashy outfits: +1
Personality Flaw: Get's to play a board game: +3
Power Play: Her computer clues Dan off to "Bathroom Boy": -1, Her brother's celeb girlfriend still wants to hang with her even though she's sick and her brother storms out: +2
Total: 5
Season to Date: -44
Power Position: Up

[Tells some story of this girl in a bar who totally loves him, like, so much, but doesn't know about the movie]. I mean, when someone who identifies themselves as a huge fan, who has read the book and passed it to their friends and self-identifies as this type of person, when the movie is IN THEATERS and they don't even know there is a movie at all…that is a complete failure in the publicity and marketing of the movie...
I don't want to go through it, because it'll just be depressing, but the failures in marketing were just…big. Unrecoverable.

I would have guessed "Because it was awful." But I'm no Tucker Max.
[Pic: Flickr]

In the killing fields of NBC chatland, what little peace and stability had been achieved was just been blown to smithereens by a little hint dropped by Jay Leno, that, oh yes, now that you mention it, he'd be willing to take his old slot back.

Pity poor Conan O'Brien; his ratings are off 47 percent from Jay's, competing not just against Leno's legacy but Letterman's ongoing scandal. And then his lead-off batter, in a Q&A with Broadcasting and Cable, drops this:

If someone [from new ownership] comes in tomorrow and puts you back at 11:35, are you thrilled?

Oh, I don't know. Are you married? Whatever you want, honey.

You know I don't believe a word you are saying, right?

I'm not having a bad time at 10 o'clock now. I look at this as a job, and now I'm faced with a challenge, and it's a challenge I find difficult but interesting. I find that when I go to Vegas, whereas before I might not sell out, all of a sudden it's sold out. I seem to be doing better in terms of public appearances. I am reaching a wider audience. Whether that translates to television just yet, I don't know. But I see a difference.

Now why is that, because I'm in the paper every day? I don't know. Because I'm on earlier? I'm actually doing well; this is almost the best year for personal appearances since I started. So there is no negativity there.

Do you want to go back to 11:35?

If it were offered to me, would I take it? If that's what they wanted to do, sure. That would be fine if they wanted to.

If you are Conan O'Brien reading the above, it might occur to you that that 11:30 slot to which Jay is graciously willing to return is the one that you currently occupy.

Elsewhere in the interview, Jay shows himself to be startingly self-aware of the differences between himself and Letterman, and delivering a sort of triple backhanded compliment, saying of Dave's current scandal:

He's not being a hypocrite; Dave has never set himself up as [a model citizen]. If it were me, it would kill me. I'm the guy who's been married 29 years. But Dave has never pretended to be Mr. Moral America, he's never set himself up that way. He's not a hypocrite. I don't know how it will be viewed. He doesn't do corporate days like me, he's not as advertiser-friendly as I am. I'm the guy when Coke or Pepsi is here, I come down and shake hands and take pictures, but he doesn't do that. I don't think it will have a big effect at all.

All this occurs as the backdrop to the ratings horror show of the Leno experiment. The moment we would see the genius of the whole plan, NBC had promised, was when the other networks dramatic shows went into reruns, and there would be low-cost Jay with fresh shows to come in and clean up. Well, last week Jay had his first head-to-head against reruns and the results were not pretty. Leno actually hit his lowest number yet against a CSI: Miami repeat.

And elsewhere, the Leno lead-in seems to be pulling down local news shows across the nation.

So just to sum up the Ben Silverman legacy: NBC has decimated one of its three prime-time hours, its affiliates news shows are sinking, its late night line-up is staggering along at half the viewership of a year ago, and now its 11:30 host must once again watch his back against his network teammate.

The one thing that can be said in this whole arrangement's favor is that NBC getting out of the drama business is probably a great thing for NBC and, certainly a great thing for America. It may not be a law of nature that the big networks are incapable of launching decent dramas, but it certainly looks that way at the moment, and extra-certainly does so for NBC which just surrendered the acclaimed Southland to basic cable. Until the network figures out a way to produce shows that seem to have been created in the same space-time continuum as the HBO shows, Mad Men, Damages and even Lost or 24, it is probably better for everyone that they just sit out a few games.

At times it seems like Mad Men—our favorite historical drama about the personal and professional lives of retro ad men—is populated by a bunch of selfish egoists who only care about themselves. But, then again, so is life, so it makes sense that when a national tragedy strikes, everyone reverts back to the basic foundations of their personality to deal with the news. Their coping mechanisms say more about how these individuals deal with their own lives than they do with the passing of the president.

Despair and Confusion: When the president is killed, people are naturally going to be upset because, well, it's sad, and it upsets the natural order of things. We're used to a hierarchical structure of government with someone at the top who is wise and strong and who will protect us when bad things happen. When an event occurs to disrupt that, we begin to question not only our safety, but everything about our lives and the fragility of our happiness. That leads to confusion, and confusion often leads to clarity, but it always leads to rash acts.

This plays out beautifully with beautiful, beautiful Betty, whose fragile shell cracks when she learns the news. She puts herself to bed and withdraws even further from her family. For her, Kennedy being shot is her way of dealing with Don confessing the truth of his past. The strong, handsome man she can trust has been murdered, and she is sad because her life has been ruined. The pretty fairy tale facade that she tries so hard to cultivate has been nothing but an illusion, and when she wakes up from her dream, she finds a very scary reality: she is deeply unhappy.

That shouldn't be too much of a shock to her, but when the only stability in her life—the cool control that Don exerts over her—is subverted by the disclosure of his past, she has to find some way to recover. Initially, she lets Don control her again. At the wedding, she accepts that everything is going to be OK, because Don tells her that it will. When the ill-fated reception is over, Betty (in a rather dowdy dress that Michael Kors from Project Runway would describe as "mother-of-the-bride") is walking towards both Don and Henry, her object of unfulfilled desire. She chooses Don, hoping that, like he says, everything will go back to normal shortly.

Then, Oswald is shot by Jack Ruby in front of America, and Betty freaks out again. Passively listening to Don isn't going to work anymore, and she needs something else—someone else—to satisfy her.

Selfishness: Naturally, some of the characters are only worried about how the assassination is going to affect them. Most notably is Roger's daughter, who finds out about the news and cries, in her wedding dress, that the ceremony will be ruined. Damn right, sister.

Pete is the king of selfishness and uses the whole incident as a substitute for his unhappiness at Sterling Cooper. We start off the episode and hear that he's being demoted from co-head of accounts with Ken to a lesser position. Ken will be the new head of accounts, and Pete will be working under him. How their jobs are different, we don't quite know, but we do know that Pete lost. Well-bred and ambition, Pete is distraught because he thinks that he deserves the job more than the stupid yahoo Ken, who still manages to succeed in spite of himself. Ken is Lydon Johnson to his Kennedy, at least in his own warped mind.

On an aside, we're still not quite sure why the office was freezing when Pete got the news of his demotion (the cold shoulder?) and sweltering when Don blew his top about not having an art director (hot headed?). Maybe it just shows that no one has control in the office anymore, not only over their own careers but also of the environment itself.

Back to Pete, who deals with the news by pouting and eating cereal and getting drunk, which is exactly how he copes with the president being murdered. "I felt for a second like everything was about to change," Pete says about the Democrat's death, but he really means about his own station following his promotion at the beginning of the year. He says he's so upset that he's not going to the wedding. Trudy (who may have better style than even Betty Draper, but she definitely had better hats), tries to get Pete to go, because he has to play the game of office politics. But eventually this Lady MacBeth relents, and they are the only ones conspicuously absent from the party.

Trudy realized the same thing Pete did, he may still have a job, but he is done at the firm. Ken won and he will be the one on the rise, while Pete's career will fester in middle management until he dies. He is using the excuse of the president's death to get out of a social obligation, just like he will soon get himself out of the firm. We bet the first thing he does on Tuesday is call Duck for a job.

Pull the Plug: While waiting for Peggy to arrive for their "nooner," an invitation that she brazenly accepted in front of Paul, Duck hears the news of the attack on the TV. When there's a knock on the door, instead of saying "Hey, check this out," he pulls the plug on the television so that Peggy won't hear and he'll still get to have sex. When the romp is done, he starts thinking about it again. When he and Peggy hear that the President has been killed, he reacts by thinking first of his children. Peggy doesn't see that this relationship, for him, is primarily about sex, which is sad, because she seems to be falling for him.

Like Duck (who looks much better with his clothes off than we imaged he would, not that we ever imagined it before we saw it, but still), Peggy has pulled the plug, and would rather have a relationship than deal with the news that it's not right with Duck. We find out that she has been having lunch with him often and that he's been spending nights in her apartment, that is starting to smell like his aftershave. It seems like Peggy wants their relationship to become something more, especially when we find her in the office at the end of the episode.

Rather than dealing with the president's death, she goes in to work to pretend like it isn't happening. Also, she has been displaced from her life. She says that her apartment is full of her roommate's friends being frivolous, and her mother's house is too full of her mother and her emotions, so she heads into the office. Peggy is ready for the next step. She doesn't want to be at home with her domineering mother or living the single life with a bunch of giggling office girls, she wants to be playing house with Duck. Obviously, that's not going to work, and she's going to end up married to her job. And as the door closes on a sad, lonely Don drinking in the dark while the nation mourns, we get a little snapshot into Peggy's future.

Life Goes On: Just because the president has been killed, does that mean everything should stop. Roger certainly doesn't think so, and refuses to cancel his daughter's wedding, just days after the event. Of course, no one shows, and all his employees who do—which is everyone but Pete—is in the kitchen watching the television, along with Roger's child bride, who would rather hide out than deal with the stepdaughter who can barely disguise her contempt for her new mother.

When he returns home drunk from the reception with his very drunk wife (this is the second time we've seen her get shitfaced beyond belief), he gets on the phone with Joan. Just last week we saw Roger asserting his happiness with Jane, is that starting to sour already? First, he is pissed off with her for going to lunch with his daughter (an anger than makes the Misses just as mad), then for hanging in the kitchen, and then for being a mess.

Of course, Saint Joan is beautiful, patient, and sober and offering very sage advice on the other end of the phone. Life is happening, she tells Roger. Mourn as you will—both the president, and his unpopular decision to dump his wife for a young secretary—but that doesn't mean that the world is going to stop for you. And she will not allow any joking about this. Oh no, mister.

Life hasn't stopped for Joanie, who seems to be doing well with Doctor Rapist, who is off working in the E.R. now that he joined the Army. She's at home being the happy housewife, or so it seems. Making the best out of a bad situation and keeping a cool head. That's our girl. Let's just see how long this is going to last.

Control: Like always, Don tries to exert control over the situation when everyone is mourning the president. He does the right thing and tells his television-addicted future hippie daughter and future Studio 54 denizen son that everything is going to be OK. He tries to do the same thing to Betty, but, at the end of the night, he's borrowing one of her sleeping pills to forget the pain inside.

Initially Betty reverts to her old behavior, letting Don have the upper hand, but when his control is shattered by the unpredictability of world events, she goes running to Henry. She makes a quick excuse to get out of the house and meets him in her car, the seat of their last act of intimacy, but instead of kissing through the window, he is now invited in. "Have you thought there are other ways to live?" he asks her. Well, thanks mister, now she has. And rather than just patting her hand, sending her to bed, and telling her it will be fine, Henry says he would do something for her to cheer her up, like take her to see her favorite movie. She tells us it is Singing in the Rain—romantic, escapist fare, no surprise there.

The scary thing is that Henry tells Betty he wants to marry her. Haven't they only met a handful of times and shared two kisses, and he wants to talk about marriage? That is just crazy talk. But she buys it. She trades in one controlling man for another, even though this one might be a slightly more benign model, but wouldn't he say anything to convince her to leave her husband for him?

Thoughts of running away with Henry and being happy in her head, she returns home to confront Don. The scene plays out like Betty is still reacting to Kennedy's death, but now we see that she is really talking to Don about how he's lied to her and cheated on her for years. She wants to scream at him for ruining "all this," and by that she presumably means not their happiness, because both of them have scant amounts of that, but the illusion that they are the perfect family. Betty can't pretend anymore, and now she knows that she doesn't love him.

She drops that bomb like a scratch to the face. Like always, Don tries to control her, saying that she'll get over it and everything will be fine. But the passive, docile, and confused Betty of yore is gone, and it no longer works. Instead of trying to work things out with her, Don pulls away, letting her stew in her unhappiness which will no doubt only drive her into Henry's arms—more as a reaction to Don than because of how nice Henry's guns most certainly are. And that's where we leave it, going into next week's season finale, with Don drinking alone in the dark, his distraught wife at home alone hating him, in an office where he can't even control the temperature.