OK!
"I Still Love Nick!" At no point in this story is there a quote from Jessica Simpson saying, "I still love Nick." Instead, there's information about how, on August 1, Jess went to Katsuya in West Hollywood with Ken Paves and sister Ashlee and John Mayer stopped by. He poured champagne and told jokes for them! Jess got so tipsy that she wanted to drunk dial ex Tony Romo, but Ashlee took the phone away. Moving on: Brad and Angie believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something. They've been apart because taking breaks put the spice back in their life. Also inside: Old pictures of Michael Jackson's SECRET NORWEGIAN LOVE CHILD Omer Bhatti at Prince Jackson's first birthday. Omer is wearing at hat which reads, "Doo-Doo." Also be sure and check out the picture of MJ and Omer on an elephant. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: No longer an item! "Their passion ultimately fizzled," claims the mag. As if it was ever there! "The future is up in the air," says a source. Isn't it always? Lastly: Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou have a cute new baby boy named Kenzo (Fig 1).
Grade: F (paper cut on genitalia)

Life & Style
"I Don't Need A Boob Job!" In this "exclusive" interview with Kelly Ripa — conducted at a Super Saturday Shopping Event in Water Mill, NY — she says, "I would never have a boob job." Then the mag provides pictures going back for the last decade illustrating that when Kelly weighed more or was pregnant, her breasts were larger; yet as she worked out more, and lost weight, her rack became smaller. This story spins off into four pages about other stars' boobs and how they feel about them. Next: Zahara and Shiloh went to Toys R Us with Angelina to buy Spider-Man party supplies for Maddox's birthday and were cute while doing so. At a recent ballet class, an eyewitness says: "They held hands and sat side by side. Zahara was a little more coordinated, and she tried to help Shiloh. Zahara took the big sister role." Kate Gosselin is "so lonely." Her friend Jamie Ayers says: "She's lonely now that Jon's gone." Jessica Simpson is being "tortured by her ex," John Mayer: He's never stopped texting or leaving voicemails, and in one voicemail he serenaded her. "Jess said it sounded like he was in a restroom and tipsy, but that's normal for John." Another source says: "Every now and then he would sex-text Jessica or send her fairly explicit messages. She used to keep all the texts and read them over and over. It was a real ego boost for her." But! John Mayer does the same thing to Jennifer Aniston. The mother of Samantha Burke, Jude Law's new baby mama, says "Let's be very clear: It was a total mistake, and Jude hasn't called Samantha a single time." Is Chris Brown stalking Rihanna? They "coincidentally" stayed at the same hotel, then he drove up to a restaurant where she was eating and stared out the window. And Rihanna tattooed her tattoo artist, Bang Bang, and now Chris has also tattooed Bang Bang. Bang Bang tells the mag: "We talked about the tattoo Rihanna did on me. I was like, 'Don't let her give me a better tattoo than you.' He did a little face, like a little cartoon." Lastly: Inside Paris Hilton's $325,000 dog house, which is a two-story miniature version of her house, with a crystal chandelier, air-conditioned upstairs bedroom with closet, and a "Furcedes" bed (Fig. 2).
Grade: F (paper cut on eye)

Us
"Bachelorette Betrayed!" Ugh. Who cares. Some dude proposed to some chick on national TV and they've been talking about how they're so in love and plan to get married, but while he was taping the show he had two girlfriends back home and so on and so forth, YAWN. Apparently there was some kind of scenario in which he was unable to perform sexually, and the mag calls it "guilt wilt." Moving on: Sarah Michelle Gellar had a baby shower and Michelle Trachtenberg, Kristin Chenoweth and Shannen Doherty attended. "Bump Watch: Male Edition" made us giggle, despite ourselves. (Fig 3). Slumdog's Dev Patel and Friend Pinto: Officially a couple! Jon Gosselin had a "sexy sleepover" with a 23-year-old model, waitress and single mom named Stephanie Santoro. Michael Lohan claims she's a nanny. By the by, while shooting for TLC, between takes, Jon was "inattentive" with the kids. Also, Jon allegedly got $40,000 for his In Touch interview. Lastly: Brats from Real Housewives (Francois, Johan, Gia) are modeling back to school clothes in this issue.
Grade: F (paper cut on tongue)

Star
"Broken Home." Angie and Brad's relationship was "too hot not to cool down." Two days before the trip, Brad disinvited Angelina from the German premiere of Inglourious Basterds. Brad started drinking at a photocall hours before the premiere and kept going until 4am. Angie kept calling, but he wouldn't pick up, and she was nagging him so much that he shut his phone off. That night, Brad continued to party with director Katya von Garnier, who he was linked to in 1997, when she went with him to the premiere of Seven Years In Tibet. Things have been crazy at home: Shiloh has been throwing tantrums. Shiloh tries to intervene when Brad and Angie fight; once she told Angie, "Stop yelling at Daddy"; another time she threw her doll at Angie. Angie has been booking the suite at a Beverly Hills hotel where her mother lived before her death; a source says: "Angie likes to go to [her mother's] old suite and be alone and think and cry." Moving on: Penn Badgley wants to marry Blake Lively now, but she wants to wait because she thinks they're too young. But she's up for living together and getting a puppy. Blind item! "Which Hollywood hubby has been cheating on his pregnant wife with a teenager? He's definitely known as a cad, but even for him, this is ridiculous." Robert Pattinson: On the rebound, with Camilla Belle, who broke up with Joe Jonas. Did Kate Gosselin buy an apartment 40 feet away from her bodyguard's place? True Blood's Ryan Kwanten — Jason Stackhouse — was in an S&M themed play in Australia in 2002, hence the shirtless pic of him with angel wings. John Mayer drunk dialed Jessica Simpson and BEGGED her to hang out with him at Katsuya on August 1st. She headed there with Ashlee and Ken Paves, and after dinner in the main restaurant, she joined John in a back room. The mag says: "But diet-conscious Jess made sure not to indulge in too much champagne and kept shaking her head as John coaxed her to keep up with him." Lastly: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are taking their 7-week-old twins on vacation to Ireland, where the couple goes every year (Matthew's sister is an Episcopal minister there). And by the by: SJP and Cynthia Nixon, who had been the closest of the Sex and the City ladies, aren't speaking to each other because SJP didn't attend a gay right rally with Cynthia and her partner. Boo.
Grade: D (paper cut between fingers)

In Touch
"I'm Tired Of Being Blamed." In an epic interview, Jon says stuff like: "Throughout the marriage, I felt like my personality had changed a lot. In December, I went to therapy. I asked Kate to come, but she didn't want to. She said, if you have a problem, go fix it." And: "I used to be very introverted, but in my marriage, I became extroverted, I was very open and friendly. I don't think Kate liked that." And: "I'm not a womanizer." The mag asks him if his girlfriend Hailey wants kids. He says: "I don't know. We never really talked about having kids. I know they want kids at certain ages." He also says: "I'm not asking her to be the kids' stepmom, I'm asking her to love me for who I am." Jon also claims he never dated Kate Major, he was just "hanging out" with her. He was happy to know someone in New York to go to dinner with, but "I've always been true to Hailey," he says. As for Kate Major, he says: "I think she fell for me but I knew my heart was with Hailey. I tried to be nice to everyone and I didn't want to lead anyone on." ENOUGH. Next: Brad and Angelina's kids are "caught in the middle." There's tension in the Jolie-Pitt relationship. Brad got wasted at the German premiere of Inglourious Basterds: "He was so drunk he looked to me like he could barely walk," says a source. "It was not the sort of behavior you'd expect from a father of six." Dads don't drink? And! Maddox recently made Zahara cry when he swiped one of her dolls and cut its hair off. This week in Jennifer Aniston "heartbreak" news, the magazine prints the words "Jen is desperate" next to a picture of her, and the story has a quote from Dr. Judy Kurianski, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Dating (Fig. 4). Lastly: Britney wants another baby. "I want more babies!" she exclaimed while getting ready in her dressing room.
Grade: C- (paper cut on finger)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2 (Click to enlarge)

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

As none other than Defamer first reported back in April of 2006, the newly single Simpson handled her pouty grief by shoving her cleavage in scented cinema revolutionary Brett Ratner's smelly face, to the dismay of rumored Ratner tossaway Lindsay Lohan. After a Simpson hanger-on called Lohan a "bitch," the then-closeted lesbian allegedly lunged towards their table, held back by the heroic hack himself. A year later, entrenched in John Mayer's predatory grip, Jessica was said to have declared war against her own sister Ashlee after Mayer got the two mixed up in old photos. The rivalry ended with Jessica stating to the press that she was "no longer the girl with potential," but a "blessed butterfly" instead. Triumph! And later that year, the NY Post claimed the amnesia-ridden Jessica became furious after hearing engaged Eva Longoria had dared to be "friendly and polite" to then-ex Mayer, and went on a name-calling rant through New York.

Our favorite tale, however, occurred right on the heels of her anti-PETA message tee bomb drop. Some gossips say the shirt had nothing to do with fuzzy wuzzies or pro-fur campaigns, but was meant as a message to Jesus fan and Tony Romo ex, Carrie Underwood. Underwood won the group's infamous Leno-monologue-staple Sexiest Vegetarian title back in 2005, and Simpson has supposedly been jealous of her whipped boyfriend's ex since day one of their ridiculous union. So in the end, Anderson should probably put the venom away and align with Simpson — they're both failed actresses whose only chance of maintaining "celebrity" is shoving their ample cleavage in the faces of hacks who'll give them their precious screen time.

[Photo credits: Getty]

• PAMELA ANDERSON CALLS JESSICA SIMPSON A BITCH AND A WHORE [The Sun]

After Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck attempt to assist the clueless singer/actress/professional pouter in promoting her record-breaking new single, Simpson jumps right in by noting that she first heard the song while riding home (from Church!) in Dallas with none other than Tony. Even the show's producers participated in the "Jessica Simpson Is So, So Happy! We Swear!" segment by immediately flashing to a shot of the couple looking just like every high school's Prom King and Queen posing for cheap glamour shots. Thankfully, Hasselbeck's always-impressive skill of insulting guests while disguising the low blow in complimentary clothing came through, as the co-host told Jessica that "country is where you should be." Yes, Elisabeth. If only it were another country, we'd agree with you even more.

• THE VIEW [ABC]

In a move we simply cannot fathom, Papa Joe actually attempted to steal Romo away from his longtime sports agent and agree to sign a contract with him for a reported $67.5 million. As every single character on Lost has said myriad times..."WHAT?" This guy used to be a Texas minister, realized his daughters had great racks and decent smiles, threw out his Jesus Fish stickers, and marketed them to the pop industry. A few reality shows and plastic surgery sessions later, the Simpson girls are still wallowing dangerously close to the D-List. And simply because he's a Cowboys fan, Joe hand-selects his favorite player to date his pouty daughter by luring him in with her push-up bras and even poutier lips. Inevitably, Romo realizes the great rack only goes so far when all Jessica really does is screw him over on Game Day (and not in the good way), so Joe has the nerve to, essentially, ask Tony to pay him money for the pleasure of schtupping his daughter? We think there's a word for this, and that word is gall.

[Photo credit: Popcrunch]

• JESSICA SIMPSON'S DAD ATTEMPTS TO SELL 'ENGAGEMENT', ENRAGES TONY ROMO [Us]

At this point in Jessica Simpson’s sad, sad career, it’s become clear that her only chance of making headlines is by sleeping with a new guy, getting dumped by that new guy, or whining over one of the many guys who’ve dumped and/or slept with her. As we learned this week, her most recent conquest — QB Tony Romo, who Jessica called “her future husband” in Glamour’s March issue before admitting that “this article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up” — rid himself of the Game Day Curse just as her ex-fling John Mayer was popping up all over the weeklies swapping spit with Jennifer Aniston and her fembot nips. Naturally, Jessica reacted by drinking herself silly and, we presume, making several late-night calls to her Dadager, Papa Joe, requesting her next romantic PR stunt stat. So the question is: which lucky bachelors will Joe pay off set her up with this time to guarantee continuous coverage of his darling daughter? Our suggestions, after the jump.

Chase Crawford: Very worthy choice. Couple those gay rumors with his preference for blonde beards from the South, and it's a magic match in PR heaven.
Owen Wilson: Also a wise decision, though Joe would break the bank nabbing the Stallion. Also a blonde fan, Wilson is currently on the lookout for a Kate Hudson replacement and, if Jess is lucky, Wilson will relapse weeks into their depressing union, ensuring her distressed mug appears in the press for weeks.

Pete Wentz: Easy access, for sure. Both incestuous and sensational, Joe could always find a baby from whichever celebrity adoption agency delivered Suri Cruise to TomKat, and claim Pete is the father to not one, but both of his toothy princesses.
Sam Ronson: Sam is always available for the part of wingwoman, and the fits Lindsay would cause in the press would go on for months.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• JESSICA SIMPSON AND TONY ROMO THROW IN THE TOWEL [NYDN]

"What he's done for me is irreplaceable," Simpson says about her newfound confidence. Fortified by a glass of chardonnay, she sets the record straight on coping with the tabloids, her acting career and, of course, her new, happy life with Romo. "It feels like forever," she says about the months they've been together. "I love this guy. Can you feel it?" You can't help but feel it.

"I'm not going to lie and say that I don't want to see Tony and me in the pictures. It is good airplane reading if you throw it away when you get off; I'm good at that. I am not the type of person who believes everything she reads, but I like to look at photos and see what people are wearing."

"The cute story is that my family and I were watching a Cowboys game. I was going through my divorce and—Tony would die if I told you this—but [on television there was a story] about him. They said his celebrity dream crush was Jessica Simpson. My family was like, 'Did you just hear that?' His picture came up and I'm like, He's really cute. Then I heard [that I was his crush], and I'm like, Oh my gosh! ...One of my best friends played on a basketball team with Tony. He introduced Tony to my dad, and they hung out. Then Tony e-mailed my dad, 'Cute date,' when we were at the Country Music Awards [last November], because we were sitting next to each other in the audience and I guess we made a camera shot. My dad was like, 'Look what Tony said.' I said, 'Give him my e-mail address. We'll see if he's good with words.' Then he e-mailed me, and we flirted over e-mail and on the phone. We got to know each other by talking, which I think is the best way. We set up our first date on November 20. Today is our four-month anniversary, but it seems like we've been together for so much longer. I said five months to him today, and [Tony] goes, 'Baby, that hurts my feelings that you don't even know.'"

"He reintroduced me to myself. I thought that I had to be deeper, more profound and more artsy. You change with the guys you date. [I thought] I had to be more intellectual. Come on—just be yourself! Tony taught me that because he loves me [as me]. He made me feel comfortable [being myself] again."

"...I think it's ironic that I fell in love with a man I thought I would never be interested in because he's an athlete. I was always, An athlete? Heck no. Because it reminded me of being married. This article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up, but he still deserves all the accolades for bringing me back to who I am."

Earlier: Glamour's '50 Most Glamorous' Does Not Include Cover Model Jessica Simpson Something Blue

When Tony and Jess first got together back in November, rumors abounded that Joe was the mastermind behind the set-up. Jess didn't have a whole lot to do, what with that whole acting attempt disaster weakening any Oscar dreams and, well, Joe was like totally a fan of the Cowboys quarterback! So he pimped her out, just like he'd pimped out boy toy Ryan Cabrera to Ashlee. Making matters worse, ever since Jess's divorce from Nick Lachey, all of her so-called boyfriends tend to appear completely embarrassed around the booby blonde. John Mayer denied their relationship for months, while Bam Margera chose to take the classier route and say all they did was do the deed. It seems that once her boyfriends bed her, Papa Joe enters the picture and frightens them away. We call for a Lynne/Britney-style separation, stat.

[Photo credit: Wireimage]

• Tony, Jess and Joe Simpson Makes Three? [OK!]
• PAPA JOE CAUSING PROBLEMS FOR JESSICA, TONY [MSNBC]

1) According to our handy online infection decoders, one of the tamest causes for Simpson's suffering is a pesky case of strep throat. Which might make sense, seeing as all that brutal training and all those bitter failures boyfriend Tony Romo went through last season could have resulted in contracting the very contagious disease. And knowing Jessica and her recent (alleged) acts of desperation, we have a feeling she'd make out with him anyway, no matter how much the guy protested.

2) Another sort-of-common source of kidney infection is coming into contact with that always-scary-sounding bacteria known as E. Coli. This may make sense as well, seeing as Jessica recently spent some time entertaining the troops in Iraq, where one would hope tending to soldiers' injuries and, you know, amputating limbs would take precedence over a blonde pop star's tummy ache.

3) But, as many of us girls know, "kidney infection" is generally a very sweet way of saying, "I have way too much rough sex, tend to suffer from chronic UTI syndrome, and it kinda caught up with me, doc." As our Intrepid Videographer Molly McAleer put it a bit more bluntly, "Kidney infections are often caused by untreated UTIs and UTIs are often caused by vaginal bacteria like the kind created during sex." Of course, we're in no way suggesting that Jess has been spreading her gorgeous legs a wee too often, but we Mollys are simply stating the facts. Not that we um, knew anything about this stuff before or anything. We just, you know, researched? In any case, get well Jess! And stay away from all those strep-ridden boys, E. Coli-ridden air in the Middle East, and perhaps try the sponge next time Tony's in the mood?

[Photo Credit: Topwomen.org]

• JESSICA SIMPSON HOSPITALIZED [People]

And by "slander," we mean "reporting the facts," as OK continues to stand by their report that Romo "broke up with the singer because she was too high-maintenance" (according to US Magazine). Jessica, high maintenance? We are shocked. We always thought that piling on 8 pounds of makeup, being so creepily close to her hairdresser that he's officially her only friend, and insisting on toting around puppy Daisy in a Louis Vuitton doggie carrier priced high above $3k made the pop tart look downright Joni Mitchell.

• Jessica Simpson Fights Back Against OK! Magazine [US Magazine]