Part 1: How Pamela Anderson Ruined Sex
You may remember, especially you craven young men, that in 1998 Playboy posette and Baywatch star Pamela Anderson was filmed by her new husband, Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, while they did the nasty on some sort of houseboat. Her iconic status at the time, combined with the sheer amazement over Lee's substantial manhood, created what was really the first modern sex tape craze. Perpetuated by the newly discovered internet, the tape became an international phenomenon. It's not just that everyone heard of it, everyone saw it, too. Both Anderson and Lee still enjoy some strange mutation of fame, though they've long since separated and gotten back together and separated again and gotten back together again, etc. What this tape really did, aside from aid these two people, was ruin sex by finally and viscerally commodifying it. Sure there has always been pornography, but this was something different. Famous people who were not hardcore porn actors, but regular (albeit frequently nude on Pam's part) celebrities. Famous people, however (un)intentionally, caught while engaging in the most basic and carnal animal harmony. And now, without the nuisance of seeming like a hooker or a porn star who entered into the act with the intention of making money, one's lovemaking could at some point turn a profit. And the public was both more interested in and more perilously desensitized to the whole idea. Some fourth wall cracked and crumbled that day, opening a hole through which slithered a whole different dimension's worth neo-celebrities.

Part 2: How Paris Hilton Ruined Celebrity
Encouraged no doubt by the crazy zeitgest of the Anderson/Lee tape, budding socialite and headline-grabber Paris Hilton recorded her sex-making with famous dater-of-trashy-celebrities Rick Salomon. It was first leaked, in 2004, onto the internet by (public opinion seems to hold) Mr. Salomon and Hilton initially tried to block it from being released. But, you know, then she saw that it was popular and said 'fuck it' and agreed to its release and now makes money off of the tape, which was eventually titled One Night in Paris. And that, really, was that. Hilton was, yes, already sorta famous, but this sent her into an entirely new strata of celebrity. Suddenly she was the infamous darling of late night jokesters and burgeoning gossip bloggers. Her name was even co-opted by Mario Lavandeira, who assumed the identity Perez Hilton to start his odious gossip rag in 2005. And that's where the already-rickety wheels of the celebrity-industrial complex began to spin off and clatter down the mine shaft ahead of us. An entirely new set of rules about how famous people are made and what keeps people famous and Why We Care was beginning to form, all because Hilton seemed to be becoming one of the most famous people in America simply because she wore pink clothes and let some grody guy from Neptune, New Jersey fuck her with the nightvision on. She possessed no discernible talent other than the uncanny ability to make people, against their better judgment, pay attention. She rewrote the manual, and many other people would follow.

Part 3: How Kim Kardashian Ruined America
And then came Kim Kardashian, whose mother is married to athlete Bruce Jenner or something. She had a large butt and was dating Ray J, the little brother of former celebrity Brandy. She and Ray J boffed in like 2007, I think, and the tape was released. And oh my god. Kim was so freaking mad that she sued the company, Vivid Entertainment, that released the tape. Eventually she dropped the lawsuit and settled for a measly ol' five million dollars. And then. And then she became famous. She was on red carpets and people talked about her and she embarrassed herself on The View (just like a real celebrity!) and she got her own reality show and somehow helped make her even less interesting sisters sort-of-famous, too. Where Paris Hilton developed a coy relationship with magazine creations of this bleak new millennium like Us Weekly and InTouch, teasing things at them to keep everyone interested, Kardashian just barnstorms through things, ass-bellowing and demanding attention for the stupidest of events and occurrences, flaunting the fact that, to paraphrase Soup host and possible savior of pop culture Joel McHale, she is famous simply for having a big butt and a sex tape. So how does this large-caboosed blip on the radar get blamed for the ruination of these United States? Well, maybe she and her sex tape didn't necessarily ruin it themselves, but they do represent everything that is wrong and broken and bankrupt and ill of this "uh oh, everyone put your goggles on!" experiment. Kardashian's success proves that Hilton's new rules do, in fact, work in some inexplicable way. And, more importantly, the whole boondoggle suggests that many of us care (even if we're doing it ironically, we're still paying attention) as much, if not more, about the frivolous self-exploitation of a stranger's body as we do about fractious and dangerous political landscapes, about holes we've torn in the very fabric of the sky, about people dying from all imaginable kinds of neglect. Nah, we're too busy watching Access Hollywood scream at us that Kardashian cut her toe in a New York City hotel room (this was an actual top story) to pay attention to the fact that the rug, upon which they (and we) are fucking for the camera, is being pulled out from under our sweaty, writhing, desperate selves.

So let this Britney tape—the Holy of Holies, the culmination of all things—sing us sweet tidings of eternal rapture. Or damnation. Or whatever. I just can't watch any more promos for Dancing With the Sex Tape Stars.

Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)
In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)
Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)
Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found wee Zahara. Ange wants to "balance the races" in her household and since Maddox has Pax, now it's "Z's turn." Speaking of babies, Britney will charter a jet to Kentwood, Louisiana, the second lil' sis Jamie goes into labor. There are rumblings that Prince William and on-again, off-again flame Kate Middleton will be married next summer. Why did Anne Hathaway stay with scuzzy Raffaello Follieri for so long? Because he's a baaaad boy, of course. "[Women] believe that if we are wonderful enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough, we will cure them of their bad ways, and make ourselves all the more beautiful," Dr. Jenn Berman tells Ok!. Ugh. In other douche-dating news, David Spade says "girls date me because I'm normal." Good to know.
Grade: D- (a motel room on Three Mile Island)


Life & Style
Just when you thought she was getting better, L&S dredges up some old dirt: Britney tried to off herself twice, says a new book. Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist who is writing a bio of Brit tells L&S, "I can't divulge too much, but I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details of both of them>" The book is also about how "sleazy and destructive" her handlers were, and how Britney is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe's tragic fate. The formerly self-destructive Nicole Richie is "back to her old ways" and is losing weight. She and Joel madden are fighting a lot and she's stressed out by baby Harlow. Unlike Nicole Richie, another Nicole (Kidman) is trying to gain weight. She thinks her baby bump is too small and wishes it were bigger. She also wishes that her jugs were bigger. Are Mariah and Nick already on the rocks? "I give the marriage six months, tops," says an insider.
Grade: D- (a teepee in Chernobyl)
Fig. A:

In today's installment: Lindsay Lohan (twice!), Katherine Heigl, Al Pacino, Adrian Grenier, Nicole Richie, Casey Affleck, Elijah Wood (with Dominic Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly), Eric Stoltz, Mario Lopez, Bryce Dallas Howard, Samantha Ronson, Larry King, Audina Patridge, Tommy Lee and Ludacris, Bradley Cooper, Clea Duvall, Ian Ziering and Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons.

FRIDAY, MAY 9
· Friday night I make a quick run into Toast for one of their yummy cupcakes. While I'm waiting, I look over and see uber hottie Bradley Cooper laying back on the couch. Sporting that sexy scruff and a shirt unbuttoned enough to get a shot of his nice chest. My gay porn fantasy come true! Oh...he was with some unrecognizable chick.
· Saw Casey Affleck, Summer Phoenix and two young kids dining with Clea Duvall, an unknown male and another small kid at Mexico City in Los Feliz. Nobody seemed to pay much attention but I was transfixed. Summer Phoenix sat facing the whole restaurant holding a small child. Her eyes are huge and she is a people watcher. Casey was very quiet and paid attention only to his small, hyper son.
· Lindsay Lohan walking into the Vista Theater in Silver Lake at 12 noon for a video shoot for the Make A Wish Foundation. The papanazis were right behind in minivans and SUV's, peeling into an alley one after the other like NASCAR drivers on meth (or Danica Patrick on a pit stop.) Hard to say who's more dangerous behind the wheel, Lindsay or these duds. I mean, dudes. No I don't.

SATURDAY, MAY 10
· At the Southern California Renaissance Faire I saw Tommy Lee and Ludacris filming an episode for their show Battleground Earth. They were supposedly learning how to make paper. Both were wearing extravagantly feathered 3 Musketeers hats.
· I saw Lindsay Lohan with Sam Ronson at the Beachwood Market; they were shopping for a lot of groceries (including toilet paper, cause everyone shits), but NO BOOZE.
· Al Pacino shops at Target (at the mall in Hollywood). Saw him in the toy section with some little kid (son? grandson?). He was in that all in black, oversized blazer, baggy pants look, and my girlfriend thought he was Richard Lewis.
· Katherine Heigl exits the Say Cheese in Silverlake at Hyperion and Monon and the paparazzi swarm around her making a huge scene. Katherine looks great and handles it well but it looks annoying as F**k. These paparazzi look like total scum and K.H. is soooo boooooring anyway. The whole situation is bizarre but for some reason people like seeing people in movies walk in and out of stores.
· After suffering through the stank of dog urine at Runyon Canyon, my friends and I are blinded by the site of some chick with ginormous boobs. They were so distracting that we almost missed that she was with none other than Steve Sanders himself - Ian Ziering.
· I have never felt uglier sending a sighting in than i do right now. Saturday evening @ the gelson's in calabasas, I saw Jeffrey Tambor buying a travel-sized saline solution and a single fleet enema. Hey now!

TUESDAY, MAY 13
· I saw Diedrich Bader and Jamie Kennedy at Mozza. Damn, that place is tasty.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14
· I spotted hobbits Elijah Wood and Dominic Monaghan (with girlfriend Evangeline Lilly in tow) checking out singer/songwriter Matt Miller's set at King's Road Cafe. Unfortunately, there was no cover of Leonard Nimoy's 'The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins', but that would've been amazing.

THURSDAY, MAY 15
· Rode the elevator with Beyonce and her security guy at Jay-Z's Roc The Mic Studios on 27th street about 5 mins ago. Very pretty -not noticeably pregnant. Also, the asshole security guard blocked her off from just me like she was royalty.

SUNDAY, MAY 18
· The opening of Two Unrelated Plays by David Mamet at the Kirk Douglas was the place to be for random celeb (ok, generous) sightings on a Sunday afternoon. Felicity Huffman, Eric Stoltz, Tate Donovan, Joe Mantegna, Kate Burton, Julianne Phillips, and Ricky Jay were all present and accounted for.
· Bryce Dallas Howard with baby and a companion (not sure if it was husband Seth Gabel or not, but I'm kicking myself for not paying attention to a potential Jeremy Darling sighting!) leaving Whole Foods at Fairfax & Santa Monica.

MONDAY, MAY 19
· Mario Lopez at T-Mobile Store at One Embarcadero Center in San Francisco. With a mustachioed handler. Tight green shirt (showed off the guns), woven leather belt and jeans. Didn't really believe it was him until one of the (male) cashiers asked him for a cell phone photo, which he gave graciously. As soon as he left the store, all three male cashiers huddled over the cell phone photo and discussed Saved By The Bell episodes.
· Mickey Gubitosi AKA Robert Blake at the Pinkberry looking happy, healthy and enjoying the goodness that is Crackberry. Looks like he has been hitting the gym. It's nice to him happy again. [Ed Note — Um, we guess?]

TUESDAY, MAY 20
· Saw the ESPN Sports Guy (Bill Simmons) eating a fancy lunch at Campanile with the Sports Gal (wife), kid, and what looked like either his or his wife's mom (5/20). This sighting probably means nothing to 90% of Defamer readers but for us heterosexual males in our 30s it's a big deal.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21
· Saw Adrian Grenier at the El Rey at the sold-out Kills show. His appearance in the crowd triggered several conversations around me that went exactly like this: "Do you watch Entourage?" "Eeeeeehhhhhhhhyeeeeah, well, I used to...then I totally got sick of it."

THURSDAY, MAY 22
· Saw Nicole Richie at Katsu-Ya in Studio City. She was teeny tiny, wearing a dirty white hoodie (that was too big) with leggings and had her hood up most of the time. Sorry Nicole, there's no mistaking that mug! She waited for a long time for a table and finally settled down at the sushi bar. She was with a nondescript female and was not approached by anyone. She was a bit boring, but my friends visiting from New York got the celeb sighting they were hoping for!
· Thurs. 5/22. Saw Paula Poundstone at the Coffee Bean in the lobby of the CAA building asking the barista if he wanted an extra ticket to an LA Sparks game.

FRIDAY, MAY 23
· Wee little Christian Siriano spotted in West Hollywood last night- giving out hugs to fans on San Vicente and Santa Monica, wearing a black beanie, black trench coat, black skinny jeans and silver reflective high top sneakers (possibly Nikes?). Fierce!
· Was walking out of Indy 4 at the Arclight Hollywood and saw Jacinda Barrett having a chat with 2 guys. White long sleeve shirt under a black short sleeve one and super skinny jeans. So skinny in fact I almost bought her a pesto sausage from the snack bar.

SATURDAY, MAY 24
· Saw Audina Patridge around 6:30PM at the Happy Nail salon at West Hollywood Gateway center. The salon madame was clearly impressed with her walk-in client, who arrived with a friend girl. Since I was with my only friend who gives a shit about The Hills, Defamer has the privilege of being my "OMG, guess who I just saw" email.

SUNDAY, MAY 25
· Oh. My. God. F-List reality night at Barney's Beanery (WeHo branch on Santa Monica Blvd.) on Sunday night for karaoke. First of all, some dude is singing Kiss by Prince and surprisingly hitting all the notes, and it turns out to be that black trainer with the dreads from Work Out on Bravo. Not a bad singer! THEN. I am talking to a group of people who include these two tall identical blond dudes. Today whilst trolling the blogs I see one of them in the teaser for the new VH1 show I Love Money, and I realize that he was Mr. Boston from I Love New York. He has an identical twin. They are both kind of dorky and awkward.
· Wandering in and out between the parked cars in the 700 block of Hillcrest Road in Beverly Hills Sunday morning: Larry King. Note to Larry — those speeding metal chariots will hurt you. Use your phone on the sidewalk.

In today's episode: Tom Hanks and Larry David; Vince Vaughn; Diane Keaton; Robin Williams; Laurence Fishburne; Jason Bateman; Mike Tyson; Bill Paxton; Kevin Smith; Tommy Lee; Cuba Gooding Jr.; Eliza Dushku; Michael Des Barres; John "Johnny Rotten" Lydon; Sanjaya Malakar; Pauly Shore; Rick Rubin; Coley Laffoon; Doug Benson and Samantha Ronson.

· Was at Buffalo Club in Santa Monica on Tuesday, June 12 and saw Tom Hanks having lunch with none other than Larry David. They laughed a lot and generally seemed to be having fun. They drank water and Larry paid the bill. I hope they are planning something together.

· 6-16 Tom Hanks, polo shirt collar up, and his ? Two boys gist leaving Swingers in Santa Monica. Looks terrific. That's what Paul McCartney money will do for a guy.

· Vince Vaughn hanging out on the smoking patio at the Seven Grand downtown on Saturday Night (good strong drinks). He is very tall and currently non-bloaty. And surprisingly, not drawing attention to himself, aside from the black pimp shirt un-buttoned one too low.

· Saturday afternoon (6/16), Diane Keaton opted out of the "chilly bliss" and enjoyed the real stuff on the patio of Piccomolo Italian Ice Cream in Pacific Palisades. She was with two children and was sporting her usual Annie Hall garb (black bowler, black blazer, shirt buttoned up to her chin).

· June 17th: Went to see a friend perform at the Improv, when about half way through the show the host surprised the audience by introducing "the man of Mork and Mindy fame, Mr. Robin Williams." He did about a 45 minute set and was absolutely hilarious, the guy definetly has talent, as it seemed to be pretty much entirely improv. Amazing.

· I miss out on all the Coffee Bean sightings, because I don't normally drink coffee or tea.. but thankfully they brought back Lavender Mint and I was able to enter the Matrix! On my second run of the weekend (6-18) I saw Laurence Fishburne at the Wilshire & 9th Coffee Bean. He was dressed casually and drove off in a black G-wagon.

· Jason Bateman hit the Hollywood Farmers Market on Sunday (6/17) with his wife and very cute baby girl.

This is very out-of-date but I spaced on reporting it earlier, so if you still care: on June 7 while stuck in rush-hour traffic on the Sunset Strip, we spotted Mike Tyson - dressed to the nines in a very expensive-looking suit - sitting outside some tattoo parlor. A passer-by walked up excitedly and asked if he could snap a photo, which Mike agreed to while looking off into the distance quite forlornly. It made me kind of sad to see...

· About half an hour later (still crawling down Sunset) my spirits were
resurrected by watching a smiley Bill Paxton finishing up the press line at the Cinerama Dome for the season premiere screening of "Big Love". Whee!

· Saturday, June 16, 2007: Kevin Smith, aka Silent Bob, at AMC Century 15, in the 7 p.m. preview screening for "Ratatouille."

· Happy Fathers Day! Saw Tommy Lee at the Dugout Club at Dodger Stadium 6/17. He was wearing black baseball cap, grey t shirt and copious b.o. Sort of a combo of old cigarretes, old cigarettes and old cigarettes. Stanky! Ran into him a short time later in the men's' room (i swear i wasn't trying to get a glimpse of "li'l tommy). Dude exited the stall and did not wash his hands! Later still, saw enthusiastic fans taking pics and shaking hands with Tommy. They better get themselves checked for hepatitis c.

oh yeah. also saw Cuba Gooding Jr. Is he still making movies?

· 6/17: LA Dodgers v. Angels Tommy Lee in the dugout club, maybe there for fathers day, didn't see kids but you never know. Separately saw Eliza Dushku there as well looking hot with her dimples.

· 6/18: Mambos in Burbank, Murdoc from MacGyver (Michael Des Barres) looking appropriately crazy in tinted blue shades, bright red button down open to bellybutton and adidas warmup pants.

· 6/14- Johnny Lydon (Rotten) having lunch in Venice by Washington Pier. Talks really loud so people will turn and look at him.

· 6/15/07 - Sanjaya Malakar (I know, this is hardly newsworthy) at the Derek Trucks/Susan Tedeschi Soul Stew Revival concert at the Ford Ampitheatre.

· 6-19 Pauly Shore working out at Equinox on Sunset. I dont know what he's taking, but the man hasn't aged a day since 1994.

· Sunday June 17th- Went down to Newport this last weekend to celebrate father's day with my Kenny Rogers-looking dad (pre surgery but post Roasters chow down) and who goes tooling past me on PCH but uber music producer, label owner Rick Rubin in his Johnny Cash black Bentley. Of course Bentleys are a a dime a dozen in coastal OC but when someone looking like the 4th member of ZZ Top goes zipping by, he blends in about as much as Newport's favorite son, Dennis Rodman.

· Is Anne Heche's porn-and-poker-loving ex-husband (i.e. healthy American male) Coley Laffoon a celebrity? What if I sweetened the deal by adding recently won shared-custody prize Homer on his shoulders? Saw the two at the Farmer's Market Friday evening June 15 by 326 Bar at the Farmer's Market. Laffoon is tall, handsome, Homer is the blondest, cutest 5-year-old kid you ever saw, and the two seemed positively beaming with the kind of happiness you get after freshly shedding a Certified Organic Crazy Lady.

· Monday, 6/18, Around 1pm I'm not sure if he qualifies as a celebrity, but I see comedian Doug Benson of VH1's "Best Week Ever" getting chatted up by a diminutive bear at Gold's Gym Hollywood. The Thunderpuss Remix of something is blaring, so I can't hear what the bear is saying, but I'm pretty sure he's just a fan. I think.

· 6-18 I'm not sure it counts as a sighting... but I saw Samantha Ronson working out at my gym tonight. She looks greasy in person...